I don't really think I have much to say. This was a hard chapter to write. I'll admit it, I'm rather fond of Tadashi. I don't know why exactly, but I am. And I didn't like putting him or Xue through all this. But at least this is the last full flashback chapter, so let's take some solace in that.
Ah, yes. Go buy Shaman King Kang Zeng Bang volume 27 for the all new Shaman King ending. It's kickass.
A Gift of Love – Chapter Eighty-Four: Xue's Icy Heart
"Yeah, so, this is what I got him."
Xue held up a subscription card to Goddess Sweets.
"Is that a joke?" Chuuko asked, pointing at it.
"Kind of," she replied with a grin. "I need one more thing, I think."
Another girl raised her hand. "Condoms!"
"No."
"Aww, Xue, you're no fun. You guys've been together for over six months! That's a long time to wait."
She tossed her head. "We're not ready yet."
"She means she's worried her boobs are too small."
"NO I'M NOT!!"
Her friends laughed and she sat down in embarrassment. Xue and Tadashi were still happy together, much to the astonishment of their classmates. He often surprised her with a special dessert at lunchtime or a random flower, or just small displays of affection. She would often play them off as being annoying, but everyone could tell that she really did enjoy the little surprises.
It would be Christmas in a few days, and Xue was still frantically searching for a heartfelt gift for him. He had just smiled and said he would love anything she got him when she asked what he wanted. She was on her own.
"I'll just have to think of something," she said glumly.
Sashi, who was sitting quietly at the end of the table, raised her head. "Get him something that reminds him of when you two met, or when you started going out. He'd like a memento of that sort."
Xue looked at her, guilty that she'd forgotten she was there. "Thanks. I'll try that."
As she walked home, her mind raced with possible ideas.
A basketball? No… Skateboard? No… A book about knives? ARGH! NO! GODDAMMIT I can't think of anything!
A bird squawked, and she looked up to see a pet store. Looking through the windows, she could see fish tanks along the back wall. She had an epiphany.
"A goldfish! Since we both failed the goldfish scooping game at the bonfire festival! Perfect!"
She resolved to buy one a day or two before Christmas, then started to practically skip her way home. When she saw her house, she smiled and ran towards it.
A few months before, her parents made a down payment on a house using the revenue from HoroHoro's store. Now they had a small, three bedroom home, a luxury they greatly appreciated. Xue and Seta had been forced to share a room in the apartment, something that had become a great inconvenience years ago. Xue would, more often than not, retreat to the couch and sleep there, not wanting to make her brother feel like he had to be careful or embarrassed of himself. Now, they didn't need to waste time getting dressed in the bathroom, and they each, for once, had privacy.
When she got in and went to take off her shoes, she noticed all the extra pairs already lined up at the door. She smiled.
"Are my favorite twins in the house?" she called.
A squeal came from the living room, followed by running until Lien appeared and charged at her. "Xuuuuueeeeeeee!" she cried as she leaped and hugged her.
Xue had to brace herself to prevent being knocked over. She playfully tugged on her friend's navy blue loops as she surveyed her.
"You got taller, didn't you?" she teased.
The twelve year-old beamed. "Yup!"
Xue smiled, then squinted at her hair. "Are those new ribbons?"
Lien patted them and smiled once more. "Seta just gave them to me. Aren't they pretty?"
"They sure are!" She looked past the heiress to see the boy in question blushing, a small victorious smile on his face.
"You didn't even thank him," the other twin said, coming to stand beside his friend. "Mother and Father taught us better than that."
"Sorry…" She ran back and hugged Seta tightly. "Thank you so much, Seta! I love them!"
The boy went stiff. "Y-You're welcome, Lien," he squeaked. Before he could hug her back, she let go and turned back to Xue.
"Why'd you come home so much later than Seta?"
"I was doing club activities."
"Oh, you still do that ballet thing?"
Xue shook her head. "I decided to go back to gymnastics. Makes me feel stronger." She grinned. "Plus, flipping around is fun. I think you'd like it."
Lien frowned. "I can't."
"Why not?"
She made a sound of embarrassment and looked down at her chest. Xue sneered.
"Oh, I see! Someone's becoming a woman!" She went behind her and grabbed her maturing breasts. "You're only twelve, but you're already this curvy! Have you been drinking a lot of milk or something?"
Lien was squirming, her face red as she tried to get away. "S-Stop it! It's not funny!" she cried. "I didn't ask for them! And I'm almost thirteen, anyway! L-Lots of girls have boobs at thirteen!"
Ren sighed before walking over to them, calmly removing Xue's hands, and pulling his twin away from her. "Lien doesn't respond well to that sort of teasing, however friendly the intent. Our classmates are already expressing their jealousy in a less than subtle manner."
"Oh…Sorry, Lien," Xue said softly.
The girl smiled, the blush still on her face. "I-It's okay, you didn't know."
"DID I HEAR A XUE?!" Pin-Mei's voice rang from down the hall.
Ren grinned. "Looks like you should go make an entrance."
Xue reciprocated. "Looks like it." She started for the living room. As she passed Seta, she put a hand on his shoulder and leaned in. "Don't worry, I'm sure that someday, you'll get to do what I just did," she whispered.
His face has already been pink, but it immediately flashed crimson as he pushed her away. "N-N-Neesan! Don't say things like that!"
She just cackled and skipped down the hall, captured by Pin-Mei as soon as she entered the room. Seta stared after her, a worried look on his face.
"That was very out of character for her," Ren observed.
Seta sighed. "She's been a lot more relaxed since she got a boyfriend over the summer. I'm happy for her, but he's a little bit of a perv sometimes, only a little bit, though. I think it's rubbed off on her. She's okay most of the time, but every once in a while, she'll do something unpredictable like that." He smiled. "But she's still the same sister I love, so it's okay."
"I see," the scion said, his attention once again on the hallway.
He looked out of the corner of his eye at his sister, who had taken to poking one of the objects of Xue's envy. She poked it from different angles until she winced, then looked up at him with innocent eyes.
"What is it?"
"It…It feels funny when you poke the center."
There was a near choking sound as Seta hurriedly covered his nose. After the things his sister had said and done, this had been the last thing he needed to hear. The twins blinked at him.
"I-I'm going to the bathroom," he said sheepishly before running away.
Lien blinked, once again turning to her brother. "Niisama, what happened to Seta?"
Ren glanced at her, his pursed lips tilted in thought. She was looking at him patiently, awaiting the wise answer that always followed this expression. He finally placed his hand on her head and patted her a couple times.
"You did," he said bluntly.
She looked confused. "What?"
He gave her a hug of pity. "I'll tell you when you're older."
"B-But that's not fair! I wanna know now!"
"Ah, well…We can't have everything we want."
They went to join the rest of their family in the den.
"Oooh! A boyfriend! How exciting!" Pin-Mei cried as she clapped her hands. Niu-Nai poked his head over his mother's leg to see the picture Xue was displaying.
"Another Niichan!" he exclaimed.
Xue smiled as she closed he cell phone. "Yeah…It's nice to have someone experienced. I still haven't gotten the whole gist of it yet."
"Don't be foolish," the elder Ren said gruffly. "People don't love in exactly the same way. There's no 'right way' to love someone."
The girl nervously scratched the back of her head. "Yeah, I guess you're right."
Ren tossed his head. "Of course I am."
"Is he going to be coming over for Christmas?" HoroHoro asked.
"Oh, yeah! That's what I wanted to talk to you guys about. Is it okay if I go over his house that night? His dad said he's probably going to be working late, and I…don't want him to be alone." She kicked at the floor lightly.
Rong tapped her foot. "Xue, you knew that we were going to be having Ren and Pin-Mei over. There really isn't any excuse for you to skip out when they had to come such a long way to spend the holidays with us."
"Oh, it's perfectly fine!" Pin-Mei cried, flailing. "It's their first Christmas together, right? So it's okay! I-I mean, they probably want to have some privacy and such…"
Rong and HoroHoro immediately snapped their heads over to study their daughter. They glanced at each other, then back at her. Rong put her hand on her shoulder.
"How about you and I sit down and talk?" she said, her voice firm.
Xue blinked at her, then glanced around in confusion. Pin-Mei was now covering her mouth, aware that she had said too much. Ren had closed his eyes and was rubbing his temple as he sighed at his wife's inability to hold her tongue. She could hear Lien murmuring to her brother, asking what made everyone so quiet, and him just shushing her until a later time. Xue shifted her gaze back to her parents. Finally, it dawned on her, and her eyes widened as she brushed the hand away and took a step back. She tried to hide her face.
"W-What?! No! That's definitely NOT what I meant! Tadashi and I aren't really worrying about that right now!" She tried to stand up straight, taking a confident stance. "A-And even if we were, that's none of your business!"
Rong looked back at her husband, sharing a knowing glance. She turned back to Xue.
"You're right. If you and Tadashi want to do that, we can't stop you. Just promise us you'll be safe about it. You can't depend on Tadashi reacting the same way your dad did in the case of you getting pregnant. I don't think you want your dreams of going to Tokyo University to be jeopardized either."
Xue stared at the ground. She knew her mother hadn't meant to, but she felt patronized. She still had a little guilt within her about be conceived when her parents were barely in a relationship, and were neither emotionally or financially ready for a child.
HoroHoro noticed the look in her eyes and went over and hugged her. "But don't you believe for one second that we didn't want you. We did, and that's why you're here."
"You should have seen how protective of you they were when Rong's parents…er…told them that they didn't agree with their decision," Pin-Mei offered, trying to make up for the drama her comment had caused. "They were ready to fight tooth and nail for you, Xue! They've always loved you very much!" She turned to Ren as if to encourage him to say something uplifting, but he just nodded, a small smile on his face.
Xue looked at them, then gave a faint smile. She didn't even have to say anything to get the reassurance she so desperately wanted. It was obvious that her parents had considered her feelings throughout the years, how she must have felt when she finally learned the story of her birth, and that without her, the possibility of her parents being together like this was very slim. They probably wouldn't have met until Ren and Pin-Mei had gone to visit the Ainu. These get-togethers, in essence, were because of Rong and Pin-Mei's deep relationship. What reason would they have to venture all the way to Hokkaido if only HoroHoro was there? Perhaps they would have eventually traveled there, but it would be nowhere near as often as now – which was about every two months, less if one of the children was celebrating a birthday. Either way, the adults knew that Xue was the link between them that had connected Rong and HoroHoro and brought them back together. That had encouraged the two fathers to maintain their friendship, and allowed the mothers to keep theirs.
"Alright," she said finally. "I promise that if or when things get to that point, I'll be smart about it."
Her parents both sighed heavily, evidence that a huge weight had been lifted off their shoulders.
"Thank the gods that I'm blessed with an intelligent daughter," Rong thought aloud.
"That makes two of us," HoroHoro agreed.
Pin-Mei heard a near inaudible whimper and looked up to see Lien standing at the door uncomfortably. She had been having trouble at school as of late, and her confidence in her intelligence and ability to live up to her brother's example, as well as her father's past academic success, had dropped. She smiled, getting ready to chime in and sing her praises.
"Three."
Pin-Mei looked up, her eyes shifting to her husband. She glanced at Lien, who had also looked up in astonishment. The heiress's eyes eventually softened, smiling at the approval she was given.
"Four..." Pin-Mei was still looking at her husband listlessly, as if she had fallen in love all over again.
Xue looked about the room at her parents, the Taos, and then behind her where Seta had taken his place beside Lien, gazing at her with an expression of passionate, unconfessed love in his eyes.
I want to be able to love as deeply and sincerely as these people.
Once she had the goldfish bag in her hands, she looked at it doubtfully.
"This is a mistake," she said to herself. But all the same, she bought the Beginner's Goldfish Kit and began walking to the Meihou residence. The confidence she had in her gift dropped with every step up to the front door.
At least I'm making up for it, she thought as she looked down at herself. For the first time since they had started dating, she was wearing a skirt, something Tadashi clearly wanted but didn't vocalize often. In her mind, if her present was a failure, at least she was giving him another treat. This isn't degrading, right? I mean, it's just Tadashi and it's just this one time.
She knocked on the door, stepped back, and waited. Running could be heard until the door opened and a smiling Tadashi emerged.
"I'm glad you could make it," he said. "It's a little lonely to be in this house by myself."
She smiled back rather sadly. "Well, I'll be here for a while. It sucks that your dad has to work tonight."
He gestured for her to come in and then began leading her toward the living room so they could sit down. Aware that she failed to even wrap her present, Xue panicked and looked for a safe place to hide it. Out of desperation, she quickly put her gift on the table, covering it with her coat, and then spun around to smile innocently at him, hoping that her actions were inconspicuous. He saw what she was doing, but paid her no mind. She was trying hard, that much he could tell, and he would never allow himself to trivialize her efforts. Instead, he carried on the conversation, ignoring the large lump that had suddenly appeared as he plopped himself down on the sofa.
"Yeah, but people usually act up on Christmas Eve, and he's the chief, so he needs to be there." He smiled and patted the spot to his right, and she obediently sat down next to him. As soon as she hit the cushion, he grabbed her and hugged her tightly. "But you're here with me, so it's fine. There's no one else I'd rather spend Christmas with."
She returned the hug, smiling softly. It felt good to be wanted, and she never got tired of it.
There was a ding noise, and Tadashi got up to check on the dinner he had prepared for them. With his back turned, Xue stared down at her shoes in embarrassment.
I forgot to bring something for dessert! Dammit, I'm so stupid!
"Looks like it's about ready!" he exclaimed as he put on some oven mitts. He took the roast out and set it on the table, then busied himself with checking the various pots that were on the stove.
Xue rushed over to the cabinet in a desperate attempt to redeem herself and took down two glasses. She turned to the refrigerator. "What do you want to drink?"
"Milk is fine."
So she poured two glasses of milk as he began loading their plates with food. After they had sat down and begun eating, she couldn't help but notice that he kept stealing glances at her. She had been lenient on letting him get away with this, but now she honestly wondered what he was staring at.
"Your neck," he said simply.
She raised her eyebrows. "My neck?"
He nodded before coolly taking a bite of the chicken.
"And that's because…?"
"Just imagining how nice it would look with something around it."
Xue stared at him, her hand involuntarily touching the place of interest. No…He didn't…There's no way he could've…
But as dinner was finished and cleared, and they returned to the couch, he produced a small, slim box. She stared at it, letting it sit in her hands idly. Tadashi smiled expectantly, curious as to why she hadn't opened it yet.
"Is something wrong?"
She bit her lip. Yeah! You spent too much on me – again! "No…I-I just like the bow. I don't want to mess it up."
"Oh…But the thing that's inside is so much better!"
She locked eyes with him. He looked so hopeful, so confident that his present would amaze her, and she couldn't ignore the guilt and utter embarrassment that was developing inside of her. Her family may have moved into a house, a luxury that very few enjoyed, but she, herself, was still poor. All she had was the meager yet deeply appreciated allowance she received each week. She didn't have the time for a job, though her school had become slightly more lenient on allowing its students to have one. Tadashi had since returned to his job at the bakery and now was earning an enviable 1000yen per hour on top of the allowance his father gave him, which was more than twice as generous. He emphasized saving money, but always seemed to have a wallet full of bills anyway, arming him with the means to shower her with gifts big and small while he received little from her (not that he minded).
She knew her gifts weren't good enough, but he always accepted them without the slightest hesitation. It just made her feel worse every time he took whatever knickknack she had bought him and placed it on a spare shelf in his room. He'd always step back and admire it in the same way one would admire the beauty of the Hope Diamond. It was one of the things about him that she doubted she would ever understand.
Opening Tadashi's presents is like removing a Band-Aid, Xue thought to herself. All I have to do is close my eyes and yank the box open, then it'll be over. We'll marvel at it for a few minutes, then we'll move on. I can feel guilty about this later. The only thing I can do now is show how much I appreciate his gifts.
She inhaled and squeezed her eyes shut, tugged the ribbon to unravel the bow, and quickly snatched the cover. The inside of the box almost seemed to glow as she lifted the lid. She sheepishly opened her eyes to see a necklace with a medium-sized topaz hanging at its center. It took her a few moments of staring before she was able to say anything.
"It's beautiful…" she whispered.
He smiled, obviously pleased with himself. "I'm glad you like it, Princess. I know that jewelry isn't usually your thing, but I decided it was worth a shot."
"Of course I love it!" she cried, waving her arms. "I mean, I need to have something nice to wear for dinners at my friends' house and stuff!" What the fuck am I saying? I never dress up nicely when we go to China. "Or, you know, just around the house!" That's even worse!
She stopped when she realized that he was leaning his cheek on his fist. He was clearly amused by her blundering. Red-faced, she looked down at the gold chain as it shined back at her. Deep down, she knew she had no use for it, but she loved it anyway. She smiled.
"Thank you! Thank you so much!"
"You're welcome."
He removed the necklace from the box and unclasped it, holding it out to her. She nervously leaned toward him so he could put it on her. As she sat up again, he tilted his head and admired the jewels.
"I don't know what's more beautiful – you or the stone."
She tired to shy away from him. "You say weird things sometimes, you know that?"
He continued beaming. "You're right, it's no contest." He leaned in and gently made her look at him. "You're more beautiful than anything I or anyone else could possibly compare you to."
Xue whimpered and shoved him away, then ran over to the table to stand in front of her present. "Mine's not all that great but…I picked it out myself, so I hope you like it."
He stood in front of her, a genuine look of excitement on his face. "Awesome! I can't wait!"
Slightly reassured, she took a deep breath. "'Kay! Here it is!" She grabbed her coat and stepped to the side to reveal to goldfish kit. She watched as he approached and inspected the gift.
"This is great, but why would I need any of th—Oh wait." He gently moved the box to see the bagged goldfish. "Aha! So there is a fish!" He picked up the clear bag with his new pet in it and poked at it. "Hey there, little fishie! How are you doing on this fine Christmas Eve night?" After a small, amused chuckle, he put the bag back on the table and looked at his girlfriend. "Trying to remind me about how much I suck at catching goldfish?"
Xue's face lit up. He had seen through the cheap gift and understood why she had bought it in the first place. "Hey, I can't let you forget such a glorious defeat. I'd suggest you use her to practice, but she might not be able to stand being dropped so much."
"Ha-ha. Very funny, hilarious even," Tadashi said with a playful scowl. He picked up the guidebook and leafed through it. "I hope this tells me every single thing about being a good goldfish daddy. I want to take good care of my new fish-baby."
She smiled at him, touched by his dedication. "Well, we can figure it out together."
Tadashi looked at her, and the sudden serious look he was giving her sent a chill up her spine. He put a hand on the small of her back and pushed her closer to him.
"I love my present, thank you," he whispered.
She hated how she still wasn't used to this. "You're welcome..."
With a light kiss, he guided her back to the living room. When they were seated again, he pulled her by the ankle so her right leg crossed her body and laid in his lap. His hand crept up her thigh and he pulled her closer so he could kiss her neck.
"Bet you thought I didn't notice, ne?"
She could only let out a slight whimper.
"Silly. I noticed the second I saw you. But other things take priority over that. Can't have you thinking that I care more about your body than I care about you spending tonight with me. The skirt is just a sweet little extra."
He began kissing her with more vigor while he rubbed her legs again. She put her arms around his neck to make sure she didn't fall backwards, but Tadashi soon forced her onto her back, leaving a surprised Xue to stare up at him.
To be truthful, she hated times like this. But it was undeniable that she loved them as well. He always made her feel weak. Her mind would almost always go blank, leaving her vulnerable to the tender touches of her boyfriend. That wasn't who she was. She took pride in being strong and largely independent, but for some reason, whenever he got her in his grasp, all of that was out of reach.
Despite that...
"You really do have a wonderful body, Xue," Tadashi whispered in her ear. "You shouldn't compare yourself to other girls. Ignore their chests, especially, since I know you often size yourself up with your classmates. You're the perfect size for me. Plus, you don't have to deal with the backaches." He smiled and kissed her again.
She reveled in the endless stream of compliments he showered her with. Never a negative thought, only the occasional constructive criticism. Even then, it was only to tell her that she shouldn't be so hard on herself.
She shivered, then her body stiffened. His hand was on her stomach, and steadily moving upward. They had briefly entered this stage before, but she still hadn't gotten used to it yet.
"Even after all these months, I still can't get over how soft you are," he murmured. He made eye contact before capturing her lips again.
She relaxed her tense body and rested her head against the sofa cushion. It felt nice – the trust that is. Growing up, she had always been looking over her shoulder, expecting a friend to greet her with a stab to the back. Even now, she felt the need to put a wall between her group of friends and herself, wondering if they were really as loyal as they pretended to be. With Tadashi, she never felt the need to examine and pick apart his every action.
Just as his hand grazed her bra, the doorbell rang. The two teens jerked to attention, quickly sitting up innocently as if they were being walked in on.
Tadashi straightened the gray blazer he was wearing as he looked toward the door. "Wonder who that could be. Dad's not supposed to be back until early in the morning."
Xue watched him hesitantly get up and open the door. A police officer stood on the doorstep, and she saw the way his body instantly tensed.
"Officer Kyouin," he said slowly.
Xue quickly gasped. Kyouin Kechi was the officer who was stationed at the police box down in the square. His main jobs were to catch petty shoplifters and give directions, but if he was at the Meihou's front door, that could only mean...
Tadashi seemed to be trying to play it off. "What's up? Did my dad want dinner or something? Or is he going to be out later than he thought?"
Kechi's eyes wavered momentarily, but he tried to push the pity away for now. "Tadashi, there was an accident."
He choked slightly. "Accident...?"
"We asked the chief to help us get a gang broken up since it was causing trouble downtown. There ended up being some exchange of fire, and the chief got hit in the chest. We tried to save him, but he died on the way to the hospital."
Tadashi covered his mouth. He crippled slightly as his grip on the door frame tightened.
"On behalf of the entire force, we would like to express our deepest condolences. If you'd like, we could assist you with the funeral arrangements. Your father also has a life insurance policy, as well as a trust fund to finance your education. We will also try to get his other accounts released to you to provide further assistance."
He uncovered his mouth for a brief moment. "Th...Thanks..."
The officer saluted him. "Your father was a good man, and you should be proud of the accomplishments he made throughout his career. Please let us know if you require further assistance."
"I...I will...Thanks..."
Kyouin finished his salute and left. Tadashi closed the door and leaned his back against it. Xue quickly went over to him as he slumped to the floor. For a few minutes, all she could do was stare at him. His eyes were focused on the ground, but she knew that all he could see was his father's face.
What are you doing, you idiot? Say something to him!
But before she could, his body shook, and his head fell into his hands. Seconds later, he was sobbing, but still trying to 'take it like a man'. She watched him, almost sorry that she was there. She worried that her presence was hindering his ability to express his anguish like she knew he needed to. Slowly, she touched one of his wrists and pushed it down so she could see his face. He looked up at her.
"I cried in front of you a couple times. It's okay for you to do the same with me," she said softly. Without giving him a chance to decline, she wrapped her arms around him. "Go on, Tadashi, I'm listening."
There were a few beats of silence while he seemed to be deciding if he should give in and break down in front of her. His arms soon wrapped around her and his hands fisted the back of her shirt as he shamelessly cried into her shoulder.
"It's not fair...It could have been anyone else...why did it have to be him?!"
"I know it's not fair," she whispered. "He just was in the wrong place at the wrong time."
"Now I have no one! Mom abandoned me, and now Dad's gone, too! What the hell am I supposed to do now?!!" he yelled.
"Maybe you could try to find your mom? She probably misses you, and would be happy to take you in..."
"No! I'm not looking for her! She left us like the selfish bitch Dad said she was!"
Xue stroked his hair as his cries picked up again. She didn't really know what else she could do.
"I love you," she whispered, squeezing him tighter.
"I...love you too," he replied after a few chokes.
"I'll be here for you, I promise."
"Thank you..."
But the silence that followed reminded her that she was inexperienced compared to him. She didn't know how to comfort him. The realization of just how powerless she was made her want to sob along with him, but she held it in. She couldn't trivialize his grief by crying over something that was so small in comparison.
But what can I do? I want to make things better but...
"Hey, let's go to the couch or your room or something. You'll be more comfortable," she said finally.
He nodded solemnly, then clumsily stood up and allowed her to lead him to his room. They sat on the bed, and she rubbed his back in a stiff manner.
Okay, now what? She bit her lip. "I'm sorry I can't do more for you."
He shook his head. "Don't be sorry. You really can't do much in a situation like this."
Xue looked at the floor. Come on, think!
She squeezed her eyes shut, then slowly opened them. After propping herself up slightly, she gently turned his head and kissed him. It was clear that he was surprised, but after a few trembles he returned it and wrapped his arms around her.
She could feel how warm he was as she was pressed against him. When he pushed her down onto the mattress she froze momentarily, wondering if he was ready for this yet, but when he leaned down to kiss her again, she instantly relaxed.
If this can make him feel any better, even just a little bit, then it's okay. I'll just let him for now.
His actions were tame at first, but as time went on, the intensity built and the rubbing and squeezing became rougher. Soon he was fiddling with the buttons of her blouse. He glanced up at her, and she slowly nodded. He smiled and moments later threw the shirt on the floor. Other articles soon joined it. He leaned over her, his eyes never leaving hers. She finally looked away slightly, but he grabbed her chin and brought it back.
"I love you," he said.
"I love you, too."
They both smiled.
He stroked her legs, going up to her stomach, then tracing a finger downward. She shivered, and their eyes met.
"Do you want to?"
It took some time for her to fully process the words. She tried to laugh it off. "T-Tonight? Wouldn't you rather wait until you're happier and –,"
He wasn't laughing. "No, Xue. I'm serious."
"S-Still…"
"If I need to feed you a cheesy line, I will. I just want an answer either way."
Inside, she knew they both wanted the same thing, but she didn't want it to be under these circumstances. A little voice in the back of her head echoed what her parents had told her mere days before, but it wasn't loud enough for her to listen. All she could hear was the steady rhythm of breathing they each had. He covered her right hand with his left.
"I've waited a long time for this, Xue. I've had so many opportunities before, and I've turned them all down. I don't want to wait anymore. But only if this is what you want, too."
After a long silence, she nodded. "It is." She smiled, as if a weight had been lifted off her chest. "I love you, and this is what I want."
"You're sure?"
"Yes.
"Say...um...can we turn the lights o--"
"No, they're staying on. I want to see every look on your face."
She clutched his hand tighter.
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
Happy Days! Happy Days! A night of stars---
Xue's eyes shot open. She sat up quickly to look for her cellphone, which she found in the pocket of her discarded skirt. After looking at the caller ID, she timidly opened it.
"Hello...?"
"Xue!" Rong's voice yelled from the other end. "Where are you?! Do you know what time it is?!"
She looked at the clock. It was almost three in the morning. "I...I'm sorry, Mom...I just..."
"Are you still at Tadashi's house? Didn't you say you'd be home by midnight at the latest? We've been worried about you!"
"I am..." she started, but trailed off. She didn't know what else to say.
"What else? Why aren't you home?"
She heard shifting and looked back to see Tadashi sitting up groggily. After some hesitation, she turned back to the phone.
"Mom, I'm sorry, but Tadashi needed me here. He...His dad was killed last night while he was on duty." When there was complete silence on the other end, she felt as though she had to continue. "I just couldn't leave him by himself. I'm sorry, I should have called, but I hope you can understand why I'm still here."
Rong was still in shock. "Oh...That's...terrible! Oh my...gods...It's alright, Xue. I completely understand. I wish you had called, but it's alright. Wh-Why don't you have him come over today? Then he can spend Christmas with us, and Pin-Mei can meet him like she's apparently dying to." She let out a nervous laugh.
Her daughter gave a slanted smile. "I'll ask him if he wants to, but I don't know if he'll be up for it."
"Oh...well...that's fine. Just let him know that we'll be here if he needs us."
"I will, thanks Mom. I'll talk to you later on today. Bye."
She sighed as she closed the phone, almost shaking. While the discussion with her parents was still far from her mind, she still knew that they wouldn't exactly be jumping for joy if they knew what she and Tadashi had been doing only hours before.
Tadashi was smiling at her as she stood to return to the large king size bed.
"Hey," he said in an airy voice.
She swallowed. "Hey..."
He shook his head, chuckling and glancing down at the sheet that covered him.
"What?"
He glanced up at her. "I just wish you could see how beautiful you look right now."
Xue looked down at her nude body, almost as if she were trying to figure out what exactly was so beautiful about her. He beckoned her, and she returned to laying next to him. With his arms wrapped around her, pulling her close, she could tell what he wanted.
"You've been really good to me tonight, Xue."
She made a small noise of acknowledgment.
"You really have. It's weird, but I...It's easier to deal with all this when you're here with me."
"I'm glad."
He rubbed her shoulder before brushing a couple pieces of hair out of her face. He gave her a smile, and she reciprocated.
"And the only thing I can do now is show you just how much I appreciate you."
"Tadashi..."
With a kiss, he silenced her, only to reverse the effect moments later.
"Someone looks happy today," Chuuko mused as she watched Xue change into her indoor shoes.
Xue looked up, her face turning red. "What makes you say that?"
"You're grinning ear-to-ear! I can't remember the last time I saw you this happy!" Her eyes widened. "Oh my gosh. D-Did you?!"
When Xue looked away from her, the girl squealed, attracting the attention of their friends around them. Chuuko bounced over to her friend and hugged her. The other girls crowded them, chattering incessantly.
"Oh my gawd!"
"Did you…really?"
"Finally! Six months is a long time to wait!"
"Who made the first move?"
"I'm so proud of you!"
Xue stared at them, unsure of what to do.
"Guys…This is kinda private…"
"Oh, come on, Xue! Can't you at least tell us what it felt like?" Chuuko whined.
Xue bit her lip. "Well…" The girls all leaned in to listen to her. "It…It felt really warm…and nice…He told me later that it was the best he's ever felt in his life."
"Awww!" the girls cooed.
There was a loud slam of a locker. The group looked over to see Sashi stiffly walking down the hall. She looked over her shoulder and glared at them before going into her classroom.
"Jeez, what a bitch," one of the girls said.
"Yeah. You know, she still hasn't gotten over Tadashi. Some guy asked her out, and she said she was waiting for someone else."
"Catty much?"
"Seriously."
Chuuko put her hand on Xue's shoulder. "Well, I guess you'll just have to keep an eye on your man to make sure that she doesn't try anything funny!"
Xue was still staring down the hall, unsure of what to think. Sashi was her friend. Or at least, she thought she was. Why would everyone make it seem like she wanted their relationship to fail?
"Yeah…"
It was only a few days later that Xue found herself alone in the bathroom with Sashi. They hadn't spoken since that day, so she tried to wash her hands quickly and leave. But before she could make it to the door, Sashi spoke.
"So, I hear from your noisy friends that you're not a virgin anymore," she said as she casually applied some light blush.
Xue slowly turned. "Yeah…That's right."
"So Tadashi finally gave it up, hm? I wonder what's so special about you."
She wanted to run. It was too uncomfortable to be talking about this. Especially with Sashi.
"Good for you, though. Now you're a real woman." There was a snap as the compact closed. She turned to her. "Of course, you're a smart girl, so you took all the possible precautions I take it?"
"P-Precautions?"
"You know, silly – condoms."
For the first time in nearly a week, Xue remembered her parents' warning to her. She hadn't taken it to heart because she honestly didn't think that she would need to worry about it so soon.
As the horror showed on her face and she stared at the ground, Sashi gave a faint smile before donning a mask of concern.
"Oh my, Xue! Are you seriously going to tell me that you and Tadashi didn't use protection? Don't you know what could happen?"
Xue subconsciously put her hand on her stomach. "I could…get…" She stopped as her eyes welled up with tears and she covered her mouth.
"Don't tell me you thought you were immune to pregnancy just because it was your first time," Sashi taunted. "I mean, your mom had you when she was around your age, right? Sad to say, but sperm don't care how young you are." She took a couple steps toward her. "I mean, Xue, you could be pregnant right now. The school won't like that one bit. You'll probably get thrown out. No diploma, no Tokyo U."
Xue looked up at her slowly. "W-What should I do?"
Her "friend" put a hand on her shoulder. "I think it would be best for you two to take a break right now. Then you can have time to think about what you want to do with your new bundle of joy." She smirked. "Good luck." She sauntered out of the room.
Xue continued to stare at the floor.
How could I be so stupid?! I can't have a baby! I need to get to Tokyo University for I can make Dad's dream come true! He had to give it up because Mom got pregnant with me. I can't let the same thing happen again!
But the thought of separating from Tadashi made her sick.
He-He'll understand, won't he? He doesn't want a baby at our age! It'll just be for a little while. It'll be fine…
But she wasn't fine for the rest of the day, nor the nearly week that followed. Xue couldn't bring herself to abandon Tadashi so soon after his father's death. But after nearly throwing up in the sink, she hurriedly pulled him aside after school. His face made her want to take it all back, but she was so scared that she didn't what else to do.
"Why…? I don't understand…" he whispered. "I noticed that you've been tense lately, and that you didn't want to do it again, and that's perfectly fine. I just want you to feel comfortable. But why are you saying that we need to take a break?"
She couldn't even bring herself to look at him. "Tadashi, I love you, I really do, but I need some time to think."
"About what?"
She forced herself to make eye contact. "Tadashi, we didn't use protection that night. And it's not like we only did it once. I…I could be pregnant right now. I just need to think a little bit. Once I know if I'm really pregnant or not, then I can decide what I'm going to do."
He clenched his fists. "Why are you shutting me out? If there really is a baby, then we should be going through this together! It took BOTH of us to make it!"
She looked down again. "I'm sorry. This is the way it has to be for now."
He stared at her, speechless. Xue clutched her school bag tightly and turned and walked away. He could feel the burning in his eyes and the tears blurred her from sight.
"You promised you'd be there for me! What happened to that?!" he yelled after her.
She froze, then ran as fast as she could. He turned to the wall and punched it as hard as he possible could. There was a crunching sound, but he could hardly feel the pain.
Something inside him was broken much worse.
A week passed. The couple that was usually attached at the hip was now broken up. Xue wouldn't talk to him. Tadashi would leave flowers in her locker to try to rouse the romantic feelings that he knew still existed. While they made her smile for a few moments, she soon remembered why she felt she had to stay away from him. They were both miserable.
Seta silently watched his sister be the coldest he had ever seen her. He knew that there had to be more to the story. The next chance he got, he confronted his senpai.
"What's going on? Why are you and Neesan acting like this?"
Tadashi glanced up at him, then looked at the ground again. "Xue wanted a break, so we're taking a break, I guess."
"But why?!"
He looked at him again. He sighed. "If I tell you, will you PROMISE not to tell ANYONE?"
Seta nodded slowly. "I promise."
His senpai heaved a sigh. "Xue thinks she's pregnant, and doesn't want me around for some reason."
Seta stared at him with wide eyes. "Preg—That means—Did you—Actually---Neesan's not---SEX?!?!"
"Yeah, but I guess it was a mistake. I hate to say it, but I regret that night. If I had known that this would happen, then I never would have even taken her shirt off." He lowered his head. "You have no idea how much I miss her. I really need her now, you know?"
"Yeah." Seta frowned. "How could Neesan keep all this from us? And how could she leave you when she knows that you're going through a rough enough time as it is?" He grit his teeth. "I'm going to talk to her. I know I shouldn't get involved, but I can't let Neesan do this to herself and to you. I'll get her to come around."
Tadashi smiled at him. "I don't really care what it takes. I just want my Xue back."
Seta gave him a thumbs up. "I'll do my best! Later!" He ran to catch up with his sister.
Tadashi smiled weakly, only allowing a tiny ray of hope to shine through. He didn't want to get his hopes up.
"How much longer are you going to wait?"
He turned to see Sashi coming up to him. "What's it to you?"
"Because I'm here, Tadashi, and I still love you." She smiled and spread her arms. "I'd never leave you like Xue has. I know you need someone to be with you during this difficult time. I want to be that someone, Tadashi."
He sighed and turned away as if he'd heard this before. "Sashi, how many times do I need to tell you this? I don't love you. It was a fling, alright? You were just the victim of a playboy; the subject of a story to tell to the boys. Go find someone else to devote yourself to." He started walking away. "Xue will come back. I know she will. I'm waiting for the day when she does." He raised a hand. "Sayonara."
Sashi scowled, then grinned. "She's cheating on you, you know."
Tadashi stopped dead in his tracks. He turned around slowly. "What?"
"She's cheating on you with some family friend of hers. I told her this wasn't fair to you, but she wouldn't listen. She even said that she's just going to abort the baby if she really is pregnant and not even tell you. She said that she would never want your baby, that she'd rather have that other guy's baby instead."
He stared at the ground, horrified. Would Xue really say all of that? Was any of it even true?
She strolled over to him. "I know this must come as a shock to you, but I thought you deserved to know. You're so good to her, and she doesn't even appreciate you as much as I did."
"She's never mentioned any family friend…" he said quietly.
"Oh, really? He was her first crush. They've known each other since they were little kids. She confessed to him, but he flat out rejected her. I wouldn't be surprised if she still had feelings for him." She pulled out a photo. "This is him."
Tadashi looked at it hesitantly, then snatched it from her and examined it. Xue was standing next to a young man with dirty blonde hair. They were smiling and doing victory signs in front of an onsen while dunking Seta underwater. His eyes narrowed. Xue had never mentioned this guy. Why? Was she really sneaking around behind his back?
"From what I hear, he's coming to visit this week. I guess you can see for yourself." She took the photo back. "I'll still be here when you need me."
Sashi smirked as she left the bewildered boy to digest her lies.
The next time he saw Seta, all the boy could do was sadly shake his head. Xue wouldn't be moved. His new group of friends had tried to distract him by hanging out together, but soon gave up when he rarely showed.
At night, he would sit alone in his empty house and gaze at the goldfish Xue had given him. He felt numb all over. Why was this taking so long? He was almost at a breaking point. He couldn't take much more loneliness.
He finally cracked in the first week of February as he left school. Tadashi watched Xue walk toward the gate, once again feeling sorry for himself. There was a small shriek and he looked up to see her being pulled behind the gate wall. Without another thought, he began sprinting toward the gate to come to her rescue.
But when he came to the other side, she was fine. In fact, she looked quite happy – as she hugged the boy from Sashi's photo.
Tadashi's blood boiled. This was the bastard who had stolen the person he loved most away from him. It was because of this random guy that he was suffering all by himself.
"YOU BASTARD!!"
He ran and tackled Hana, then started punching him with all the strength he had. Hana let out distorted words of surprise, hardly able to believe what was happening to him.
"You fucking bastard!" Tadashi yelled. "Stealing my girlfriend away from me! Who the hell do you think you are?!"
"Tadashi! What's gotten into you?! Leave him alone!"
Xue pulled him off her friend and then rushed over to help Hana up. The youth checked his nose and mouth. When he saw the blood, he frowned.
"Xue," he said. "Who is this guy and why do I want to give him a rabies shot?"
She could tell that Hana was trying to be as calm, civil, and laid back as he ever was, but she couldn't blame him for his irritation.
"This is Tadashi. He's my…" She slowly looked at the ground, almost in shame. "…boyfriend…"
Something inside Tadashi smiled. At least she was still acknowledging their relationship somewhat.
"I can tell from your accent that you're from Osaka, but here in Hokkaido, as well as my hometown, you can't just go around beating people up for no reason," Hana said.
Tadashi glowered. "Yes I can. You're ruining our relationship! She won't even talk to me anymore! Hell, she's never even mentioned you! She's been sneaking around with you behind my back!"
Xue's mouth dropped. "What are you talking about?! I'd never do something like that! I'd never cheat on you, Tadashi!"
"Then what the hell is he doing here?!"
"HE'S MY FRIEND!!!" she screamed.
He seemed taken aback. "F-Friend?"
"Yeah, he's just a friend! I wouldn't lie to you! O-Our parents are friends, so we are too!"
"Then why the hell are you talking to Sashi about wanting his baby and not mine?!"
The students around them stopped and stared, then started gossiping amongst themselves. She could hear the accusations of her being a slut and the condemnations of their failure to use a condom. The anger built inside of her, and she herself felt the urge to launch an attack on the boy in front of her.
Instead, she walked up to him, then slapped him across the face. With a punch to the stomach, he fell to the ground. She stood over him ominously.
"Never talk to me again, Tadashi. Not until I tell you I'm ready to get back together. Until then, don't call me, don't text me, don't email me. I don't even want you looking at me. Just leave me the fuck alone."
With that, she turned and went back to Hana. She put an arm around him and guided him to her house.
Tadashi remained on the ground, crippled by both pain and devastation. It was worse now than ever. He just wanted her back. He didn't think it was wrong to still love her as much as he did. She was his first, after all, so of course he would feel attached to her. But she seemed close to hating him. She had already moved on to some hippy. He had nothing.
"Xue…"
After that day, Tadashi stopped going to school. When the administrator called his house, no one answered. The bakery called to let him know that he was fired due to multiple missed shifts, but only reached the answering machine. No one heard anything from him.
Xue would pace about her room, her cellphone on her bed. Every so often, she would pause and stare at it, as if considering making a call, but never did. Every time she reached out for it, she remembered Hana's bloody face, and the anger would resurface.
Seta went to Tadashi's house many times but was never let in. He could see Tadashi peek out the window from behind a curtain, so he took minimal comfort in knowing he was alive.
On Valentine's Day, Meihou Tadashi broke his silence.
Xue hesitantly held up the white plastic stick, holding her breath.
Not Pregnant
She exhaled, and tossed the test in a plastic grocery bag that lined her bottom desk drawer. It made a small klinking sound as it joined the others. She sat at her desk, her head in her hands. Every single one of them had given the same answer. She must have tried at least a dozen by now, but they didn't provide her with any comfort or reassurance.
Otsuka Ai began singing from her bed, and she looked over at her cellphone.
Tadashi x3
She was both overjoyed and angry. He was alive, but he had the nerve to call her after attacking Hana. Despite that, she grabbed the phone and opened it.
"Hello."
"Hey Princess…Happy Valentine's Day."
She had to keep from gasping. His voice sounded so dead and weak. If his name hadn't displayed, she would've barely known who it was.
"Yeah…" she said finally in a nervous voice. "Happy Valentine's Day to you too, Tadashi."
He laughed weakly. "You don't sound too happy to hear from me."
"It's not that…It's just…"
"Are you pregnant?"
"W-What?"
He seemed to know exactly what he wanted to talk about.
"I…" She turned to the opened drawer. "I'm not sure yet…"
"You would've known by now. You probably aren't."
"But still--!"
"Even if you are, you can just move into my house with me. We can raise the baby there, just the two of us. I have enough money in the banks and everything. I got a hold of all of Dad's accounts."
"Tadashi…I don't want a baby right now."
"But you do in the future, right?"
"R-Right…"
"You want it to be mine, right?"
Her heart stopped. How was she supposed to answer something like this?
"Tadashi, I'm not ready to talk about that stuff yet."
"I see…So you don't…"
"Tadashi! That's not--!"
"I know you hate me, but would you be willing to meet with me so I can at least give you a gift?"
She looked at the ground. He sounded so desperate. All of this was a mistake. I shouldn't have done this to him. He needed me and I ran away. He's right, we should have been in this together. I should let him do this, then we can talk about things and hopefully work it all out.
"Okay, that's fine."
"Meet me at the large intersection in the square. Don't bring Seta or that hippie or anyone else with you." He paused. "And would it be too much for me to ask you to dress up a little for me?"
"I…I guess I could do that."
"Alright. I'll see you in an hour."
He hung up before she could say anything. Xue stared at the phone. The things he said about coming alone, his tone of voice…It was all too weird. Something wasn't right. But she had already agreed, so she had no choice but to put on some nice clothes and meet with him.
HoroHoro caught a glimpse of her as she left.
"Where are you going, Snowflake?"
"The square," she replied quickly as she shut the door.
He stared after her, mildly concerned. After a few awkward glances at the door again, he went back to folding laundry.
Xue ran the entire way. She wanted to make it there before she had the chance to change her mind. She had already disappointed him enough, and she couldn't do it again. Not today.
Just like he said, he was waiting for her in the middle of the intersection of the square. He stood amongst the people as their eyes met. People passed between them like he wasn't there, but his eyes never wavered. She swallowed, then walked toward him. He smiled weakly at her.
"You look as beautiful as ever, Princess."
She bit her lip and nodded. "Thank you."
He took out a gift that was wrapped upwards and closed by a neatly tied bow at the top. He handed it to her. "I hope you like it."
Xue looked at him hesitantly, and he nodded to coax her. She pulled on the ribbon to untie the bow and found a teddy bear inside. It had on it what seemed to be Ainu clothing, and held a large butterbur leaf over its head. She smiled.
"Koropokkuru," she said in a cutesy voice.
He smiled at her wistfully. "I remember you said you wanted that. Like it?"
She nodded. "I do. I really do, Tadashi. Thank y—."
There was a click. She looked up slowly.
Tadashi had pulled a small handgun from the back of his pants and was now pointing it at her. Her mind blanked and she tried to keep herself from trembling. There was no evil grin on his face, no vengeful eyes, only tears. She wanted to say something, to ask him why he was doing this, if what she had done was worth killing her over. Had this really been why he called her here? But her mouth was dry.
"Are you scared?" he whispered.
She nodded.
"So am I. I was so scared I'd lose you someday. And then I did. Over something as petty and selfish as sex," he said. "If you weren't ready, you should have said so. I wouldn't have forced you. I love you. We should have been in this together.
"But no, you left me. The time when I needed you the most, and you left me. I gave you all the love I had to give. I thought we could be happy for many years to come, even if there was a baby."
He glanced at the gift. "They say that if you give someone a bear and they name it after you, that you'll be together forever." He paused. "What are you going to name the bear, Xue?"
Xue just stared at him, terrified tears streaming down her face. "Please don't do this, Tadashi. I…"
"Tell me you love me!" he cried suddenly.
She clutched the bear. "L-Love you?! At a time like this?! You're about to shoot--!" But she silenced as he readied the trigger.
"This is the end, Usui Xue."
She looked around. The crowds had dispersed, not wanting to be caught in the crossfire. She could hear sirens in the distance, but they wouldn't make it in time.
Someone help me…I'm not ready to die…Daddy's dream…I haven't achieved it yet!
He smiled at her kindly. "I love you, Xue. Very, very much. Even if you hate me, I still love you. Even after all the things you've done to me, I still love you. That's why…"
She squeezed her eyes shut, burying her face in the bear's fur.
"…I could never hurt you."
Her eyes shot open. She looked up to see him press the barrel against his temple.
"Now neither of us will be in pain."
"Tadashi…Stop it…Tadashi…"
"Happy Valentine's Day, Xue."
She reached out for him, the bang drowning out her scream.