The reason I always tried to accentuate Lien's appearance (which is hard to do without making her look like a Sue) is because I basically wanted her to look like what Ren may have if he had been born female. That's why she was so headstrong when she was a kid, as well.

This chapter, "Decision" is named for the Ayumi Hamasaki song of the same name. I chose it as one of Lien's image songs. If I can ever find the time, I'd like to do little profiles for everyone, at which time you would be able see that everyone, especially Ren and Pin-Mei, get a few.

I regret that I have nothing constructive or informative to say, aside from that the first eight pages were started last summer, so I hope that they reflect that much work. Enjoy!

A Gift of Love – Chapter Ninety-Five: Decision

My earliest memory...I think it's of Papa. Yeah...it's really foggy, but I remember him being there. I kind of forget what we were doing. I think I was just staring up at him like an idiot. The way someone might look up to a deity or something.

My father is a god.

No one could ever tell me otherwise. I'll never think any less of him, not for any reason. No matter if he killed someone. Hell, even a hundred people. I wouldn't care. Papa, to me, has always been perfection. I yearned for his acknowledgment. I wanted his attention.

Ever since I was little, I've wanted to be as powerful, as intelligent, as majestic, as beautiful as he is.

In that memory, I was four years old. I remember watching him walk down the hall, his arms folded, strolling in and out of the sunlight that streamed in through the windows. From around a corner, my eyes just couldn't leave him. Before I knew it, he had walked past me, stopping before choosing which wing he would walk toward next. He looked at me, like he found my early stages of voyeurism interesting.

"Lien, what are you doing?"

I remember fumbling for an answer.

"Watching you, Papa."

"Oh?"

My father doesn't smile half as much as my mother does. I really wish he did. I just want to know that he approves of the things I do.

"Lien, staring is quite rude. Hasn't Pin-Mei told you that?"

I don't know why Papa used to call Mama by her given name when he was referring to her. If I had to guess, I think maybe it was because he didn't want to act like her name was "Mom" or "Mother". As Niisama and I got older, he eased into calling her those things.

Mama said that when I was younger, I was obsessed with my father. She said she always thought it had something to do with how he and I look just a little more alike than he and Niisama do. She says that's kind of why Papa sometimes seems a little softer with me than with Niisama, too.

It was such a strange relationship. I was scared of him, but at the same time, I loved him more than anything. I really did. The feeling in my heart, the anxiety and the happiness I felt when I saw him, is something I can't possibly forget. I honestly thought it was love, that I would marry him.

I'll never forget the day that I let it slip out of my mouth.

Mama was sitting in the study, trying to mend one of Niisama's shirts, and I was following Papa around again. I was twirling around, talking about how I was going to be strong like him when I grew up.

"If you're so eager to be an adult, I suppose I should begin finding a fiancé for you."

"No, Papa! I wanna marry you instead!"

He had paused, thinking it over. He told me no, that he already had a wife, and would not be taking another. I think he was trying to laugh it off in a sense, though he was finding it hard. I persisted. Before I knew it, Mama had knelt down in front of me.

"So you think he's wonderful too, don't you?"

When I nodded, she tilted her head, her voice cold.

"Well, I suppose we'll have to fight for him then, won't we?"

The look in her eyes made me drop the idea altogether. Papa said nothing. I don't blame him. What could he possibly say to her when she was like that?

That, coupled with his already cold demeanor, made me afraid of him again.

My father terrified me. Even when he suppressed his power, I sometimes found it suffocating. I never understood why my brother was able to be in the same room with him and not get that same dizzy, helpless feeling I used to get. I had always thought I was stronger than him. I was so determined to prove that I had just as much power and resilience as my twin, if not more. Regretfully...I...

"Shut up, dumb head!"

"Dumb, stupid wuss!"

"Stop crying, you big baby!"

I became a bully. He was my older brother, and I pushed him around mercilessly. If he had been the brother I know today, he never would have let it happen. But since he was meek back then, he never complained. He never went out of his way to tell on me, either. He was still nothing but nice to me. It only pissed me off more.

I can't even explain why I decided that hurting him was the best thing to do. Papa was giving him all the attention because he was the rightful heir. He gradually began training him to be head of the family – testing him, scrutinizing his speech, his posture, his gait. Mama attempted to teach me how to be graceful, but sometimes it seemed like she was in need of a teacher just as much as I was. I longed for my father's attention. I didn't care if it meant that I had to learn to use a weapon, or even that I'd have to contend with my brother for the metaphorical throne. I just…wanted…

"Here."

I remember looking up at him when he finally handed the Kwan Dao to me for the first time. It was heavy. Even for plastic, it was heavy. But this…this was my crowning achievement. Not only was I allowed to hold it, he taught me for some time. My pride. My confidence. That night, everything I had been working for began to come together.

All because of a curious brat's question:

"Papa, why do you dance with that stick all the time?"

I remember every movement he taught me. A mere six years old, and I remember everything. I can hardly remember things I'm told the day before, or things I see, I can't even recall five minutes later. But instances like that, when I have to move, I almost never forget the movement. The way I'm touched. If my stance is repositioned. I never forget those things.

I remember tossing that piece of plastic into the sky, allowing it to spin. I remember catching it and smiling. I remember giggling and inflating my ego, telling myself that I was the best, no one could beat me. I remember saying those words out loud:

"I'm Tao Lien! I won't be defeated by any of you weaklings!"

I remember the birds hearing my battle cry and dispersing. I remember turning around.

I remember seeing my father leaning against the armory.

"It's time to go inside."

I remember him smiling.

Despite that...I still wasn't the center of attention. Mom became pregnant, and I feared that I would be lost as the middle child. I kept running to my father, begging for training, just a few minutes time to remind him that I was there. Anything to make sure he wouldn't forget about me. Thinking back, I wonder how I must have looked, scurrying around and clinging to whoever would listen. It was exhausting, but I just couldn't calm myself down.

Despite all the love my mother drowned me in, and the love my father tried his best to show, I had already decided that I was the unwanted one. The second-born, female, disappointing, dishonorable, unwanted child.

I remember Ren being sick one day and staying home from school. Honest to goodness sick, not intentional-milk-drinking sick. It was pouring outside when it was time to go home. Ren had always been the one to remember things like bringing an umbrella, and I wasn't able to pick up the slack without him there. I almost started walking home on my own, but Mama had once said that if it was ever raining really hard, that my brother and I could stay at school and a servant would come get us in the carriage. It had been a long time ago that she had said this, but I figured maybe, with her memory, she wouldn't forget.

So I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

One by one, all of the other children were picked up by their parents. Soon, I was alone. I remember being cold. I hoped that if the rain stopped that I could maybe walk home, but if anything, it rained harder.

Mrs. Chi stood beside me patiently. She was very kind, trying to distract me with conversation instead of grumbling about how she had better things to do.

"Do you think they may have forgotten?"

She had been trying to ask an innocent question, but I remember it stabbing me so suddenly. My brother was at home. Maybe it was only that someone would come get me if he was there. Yeah, what good was I without my brother?

I cried. No one was going to come for me. I decided that. My parents didn't love me. Why would they want an extra child? They had their heir, what purpose did I serve? Why was I even bo-

"Hm? Is this for you, Lien?"

I looked up. Out in the distance, someone was walking toward us, umbrella in hand. I wiped my eyes. Li had come for me. Finally. Maybe she was the one who had remembered, not that it mattered. I could finally go home.

But as my savior neared the school, I discovered I was mistaken. It wasn't Li at all.

"I apologize for keeping you waiting. Thank you for staying with her."

"It's no trouble at all, Mr. Tao. But I must wonder what took so long - car trouble?"

From under his gold-handled, black umbrella, my father gave me a knowing glance. I just stared back at him with wide eyes.

"Yes, let's just leave it at that."

We've never owned a car. Papa says they're beneath him.

He held out my small, white umbrella for me to take, but I just stared at him more. Why now? Why did he take so long? Was he mad at me? Was I weak for not being able to walk home on my own?

I started crying again. I was so sad, angry, and confused about the whole thing. I didn't even know if I wanted to be picked up at this point.

Mrs. Chi bent down and put a hand on my shoulder.

"She was extremely worried that she had been abandoned."

"I see."

He put his hand on my head.

"We can talk on the way home if you so desire. You've troubled your teacher enough as it is."

As he shoved the umbrella into my arms and guided me out into the rain, I began to wonder what he was thinking. Was he mad at me for not coming home? Should I have been jumping up and down and clinging to him as if he had just bought me a pony? I stared down at my shoes in shame.

But I noticed something: Papa's gold shoes were nowhere to be found. The ones he had on now were simple and black. Expensive to be sure, but in no way as lavish as his favorite glistening pair.

"I was trying to get the carriage out of the mud."

I looked up at him in surprise. I hadn't been forgotten? Truly?

"Pin-Mei realized right away that you had forgotten your umbrella, but she had to stay with your brother. I had the servants try to man the carriage, but it wasn't working out, so I came here myself. I would have been here sooner had it not been for that useless thing."

I remember biting my lip, trying not to cry. No one had forgotten about me. Papa had even changed his clothes to come get me. He even came himself, knowing his shoes would get dirty, when he could have just sent Li like I thought he would. He cared. He hides his feelings a lot, but he really does care.

I stopped and stood where I was, staring at the mud. He turned to look at me, asking if I had forgotten something. I shook my head. He didn't ask anything else. As I felt myself about to cry, I lowered my umbrella to hide my face. I wanted him to think I was strong, that something like this wouldn't be enough to make me upset. I'm a Tao after all. That's right, a Tao. A Tao…A…

"Did you really think Pin-Mei and I would forget about you?"

When I looked up at him, he sighed and walked over, giving an awkward movement of wanting to bend down, but having no desire to soak his pants. With an annoyed twitch, he finally made leveled eye contact with me.

"Don't be foolish. It would be impossible for us to forget you."

He gave a faint smile and brushed my wet bangs from my eyes.

"Don't tell Pin-Mei about that. She'd burst into tears if she knew you thought that."

He paused.

"I don't like knowing you feel that way, either."

My love for my father was restored. I became more comfortable with going to him or talking to him or asking for him to train me. Though sometimes cold, I was always able to tell myself that I was important, that I was love by him, even if he didn't show it as often as Mama did.

My body always hurt after practicing with him, but it was a good kind of hurt. I liked the feeling. Once Papa decided to start training Niisama, my lessons took a backseat. I understood. Or I tried to. Papa seemed far away once again. Once again, I felt abandoned.

I hated my brother again. I was better than him at the Kwan Dao, but he was given all of Papa's attention. It pissed me off to no end.

I remember finding him crying one day. All that attention and he still wasn't happy? I was about to go beat him up when he hugged me.

"Mei-Mei…Help me…"

He was disgusting; he wasn't like Papa at all.

"What are you crying about now, you idiot?"

"I…I don't want to be head of the family!"

"What the bejeezus are you talking about? That's your job, you can't back out! That's what you were born for!"

"I-I know! But!"

"But what?"

"I'm too scared. I'm not like Father. I can't be like him. I can't be in charge of the whole family by myself!"

As he started wailing again, I just scowled at him. But then, when I really thought about it, I could see why he was so upset. Papa was in charge of taking care of all of us; me and Niisama and Mama. He always had to be brave, no matter what. It dawned on me then that I might not be the only one who saw my father as a god, as something all-powerful, something super-human and to be feared by those who dared to do him wrong.

Niisama looked at our father and saw, at the age of six, the type of man he would have to become in order to successfully head the Tao Family once he was handed the reins. It was too much for him to handle. I…felt sorry for him.

Even though I was still mad at him for stealing attention from me, I couldn't just leave him how he was. I'm his twin – No matter how mad I am, I will always find it in me to be there when he needs me.

It was on that night that I hugged him and made a vow:

"Ren…I'll help you."

"You…You will?"

"Yup. We'll rule the family together!"

"Really?"

"Uh-huh! We'll both be heads of the family!"

"B-But...will Papa really allow that?"

"I bet he'll understand if we tell him what's up when you have to take over for him. Don't worry! You won't be alone!"

"Mei-Mei…"

The incident with Suoshi occurred soon after that, and Niisama was never the same again.

"Who do you think you are, calling me by my given name? I'm you're older brother, no matter how small that margin may be, and you WILL address me as such!"

Before the spirit was exorcised, he was much meaner than he is now. I don't know, when I lost that sweet, innocent brother of mine, I lost part of myself. I can't even explain why, but I became the quiet one. My harsh jealousy and heiress mindset was locked away, and it hasn't shown itself since. It wasn't until now that I even realized it had happened.

But something else happened a few years after my brother changed.

"It's alright, Lien. I'll protect you. Nothing bad will happen to you as long as I'm here."

I…

"You need help with your homework again, don't you? Feh, you're so troublesome sometimes."

I…

"You're cutting it off? That's a shame. I rather like it long."

I fell in love with him. I tried my hardest to control myself, to hide my feelings. Still, even then, I would find myself sometimes holding him tighter, pushing against him more, squeezing his hand…I just wanted that love so badly, but deep inside, I knew it was sick. Sick, disgusting, and morally wrong.

Valentine's Day has been the only day when I can show my emotions without being taken too seriously. I cherished that day when I could say "I love you," and simply be patted and cooed at for being close to my twin. I still had to hold back my blushes, to avert my eyes to prevent them from becoming wistful and pain-filled.

Did he ever realize it? Sometimes I wonder. The few times he felt the need to apologize to me, he would hold me, leaning his forehead against mine with eyes closed.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry…"

It seemed excessive. Could he have been apologizing for something else as well? I don't know.

Do I love him for who he is, or because he's there? What drew me to him? If he hadn't changed, would I still feel the same? I find myself wondering about these things whenever I feel sorry for myself and my feelings.

I think one reason is because he's one of very few men who cared about me before my body changed. To him, I'm never an object; I'm just Lien, his little sister. Both Papa and Niisama…they treat me like a person, not a thing or a parasite. That's why I've always loved them. That's why I love Niisama. That's why I can't bear to be without him…

Papa…

Niisama…

I love you…

Don't leave me alone…

Lien slowly opened her eyes and stood. Everything was black. Looking down, she couldn't even see her hands or any other part of her body.

"What is this? Where am I?"

Not knowing what else to do, she walked, hoping that eventually she would be able to find a light switch. Off in the distance, a spotlight flickered as if it were a dying streetlamp. Encouraged, she began running toward it. As she stepped into the bright circle, she realized how little this meant.

"Great, I found some light. Now what? How the hell does this matter?" She grabbed the sides of her head. "Am…Am I dead? Did Hao really kill me? No…No…"

"Don't worry, you're fine."

She slowly removed her hands. The voice was more than familiar, but she couldn't believe it was real. "W-Who's there?"

The light flashed, creating a larger circle. On the very circumference, she could make out a figure sitting on the floor, clutching his knees.

"Don't worry, Mei-Mei. You're fine. You've just lost consciousness."

She took a small step back. "H-Hey…"

The figure slowly stood, momentarily patting his backside as he straightened. "I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be able see you again, especially like this." He took a step, but Lien backed up once more. "Are you scared?"

She nodded. "You're not real…You're a trick…I can't let myself get close to you."

She could see enough of his face to make out a knowing smirk. "I understand. However…" He ignored her retreat and stepped out from the darkness. "After finally being able to reach you, I'm not going to let you go without telling you what I need to."

She tried to stop the surprise from showing on her face, not wanting to let this mirage get the best of her. It was her brother, or at least it looked like him. He looked identical to the twin she always walked to school with and laughed (or for his part, smirked) with and leaned on for support. The thing that set the two young men apart was the look in his eyes. They were warm and soft, a stark contrast to the stern maturity her brother's usually held. Either way, it made no sense to her. She didn't understand how he could possibly be here. Wasn't he essentially dead? Had Hao not completely taken over his soul and broken it down, dissolving it into nothing more than a memory?

"It's really been a long time, Lien," he whispered, bowing his head so his bangs covered his eyes. "You have no idea how much I've missed you."

The confusion was overloading her. She tried to hold back her tears. "Wait, what are you saying? I just saw you…the real you…earlier tonight. It wasn't that long ago at all!"

He gave a pitiful smile. "Yes, he's been with you all this time. He's been able to share everything with you, and taken all those precious moments away from me. It makes sense that you'd forget about me."

"I don't understand! Who the hell are you?"

He continued, hoping that something he said would rouse her memory. "I'm sorry that I caused all of this. I'm sorry that I changed, and that in turn caused you to change. You were so strong before, Mei-Mei. I admired you for that. But after he took over, the evil spirit broke you down and took that strength away from you. Even after the spirit was exorcised, he remained, albeit kinder and gentler."

"Hey…"

He raised his head. She could see the beginnings of tears in his soft eyes. "But really, if I hadn't allowed him to take over, if I had just been stronger, none of this would be happening."

She was staring at him, her mouth slightly open.

"It's okay. You can call me all the names you want now. All of this really does make me an idiot."

Their eyes met. She slowly shook her head. "This can't be real…" She looked up at him hesitantly, offering the only answer she could think of. "Re…Ren?"

He smiled, tilting his head slightly. "Hi."

The tears streamed down her face. She clutched her arms, digging her nails into the flesh. The demeanor, those kind words, that dorky smile – they could only possibly belong to one person. Lien ran to her brother and wrapped her arms around him. She cried into his chest with no respect to the volume of her wails. He hugged her back, his right arm around her waist, his left hand resting on her head.

"I thought you were gone forever!" she exclaimed.

He shook his head. "No, I've been here all along, watching my life as if it were a movie. I've been sitting here alone in the darkness, watching, waiting, hoping that I'd be released someday. Not a day passed by that I didn't want to hold you again, to cheer you up when you were sad, to make sure everything was done to keep you happy. I've always been here."

"Ren…"

"I know I've missed so much. Even knowing that, I can't find it in me to hate him. I can't even feel angry about it. It took me a while to understand, but I finally realized that the spirit separated my anger from the rest of me. That's what he used to change me in the first place. It just never rejoined the rest of me. The only time I can remember wanting to be angry, and I couldn't even scowl. The person who's been your brother since that day has always been me…just not the me that everyone was used to."

She tried to look up at him, but he was firmly holding her in place. Instead, her eyes surveyed the ground. "I…I'd always wondered where the nicer you went. I got used to who you became, but I still missed you being more sensitive with me. Sometimes I just needed to cry, and I didn't always feel like I could without you looking down on me."

"Nothing I say can make up for anything bad that's happened to you because of me, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to hold my own against him. I'm sorry that I needed his help in the first place. I just couldn't stand to see you suffer anymore. I thought…I thought that if I could stop them this one time, if I could scare them enough, that they wouldn't bother us again.

"But now it's ten years later and nothing's been made any better for you! You're still harassed every day, and he feels that he can only do so much about it! He wishes he could just punch some sense into them, but if he does, he'll be suspended at the very least – and then who will look out for you? If you were ever-!"

"So all this…is because of me?" She felt him tense, then he let out a remorseful sigh and bow his head. "It's okay…I understand. You changed because I got beat up. You felt like it was the only thing you could do. Because of that, you've lost everything." She let out a small laugh and buried her face into his shoulder. "It's because of me that all of this was set into motion. Hao said so. If I wasn't so weak-minded, if I could just get my feelings under control, Papa and Tadashi and the Usuis and everyone else wouldn't be…"

"Don't say that. If Hao was so determined to come back, he would have found a way with or without you. You can't let your mind get clouded by things you can't change. You still have to do something to end all this."

"But…But how? What the hell am I supposed to do? I can't fight Hao, not when he looks like you! He's…He's…"

"You'll have to find a way - even if it means killing me."

"But Ren!" she cried, trying to pull herself away to look him in the eye, but in his strong arms, she couldn't move an inch. She relented, leaning into him. "Ren…I can't do that…"

"You can, and you will if you have to. I command you…as head of the Tao family."

She paused before letting the tears flow again. "You dummy…You idiot…You stupid head…We were supposed to head the family together, remember? I can't do that if you're gone!"

"And Mu Qin can't do it if she's all alone." When she said nothing, he continued. "Don't give up, Mei-Mei. You've never been alone, and you won't be alone when you go back out there. I'll try to do as much as I can from the inside."

"But how?"

"I'll bide my time and gather all the mental strength I can. When the time comes, I'll hold him in place for you, and then you can finish him."

She finally pushed away from him. "No, I can't! I won't! I love you too much! I-!"

He grabbed her shoulders and put his lips over hers to silence her.

Time seemed to completely stop. She couldn't tell if the kiss was a peck, platonic, or passionate. When he finally ended it, he locked eyes with her for the briefest of moments. They were so listless and soft. Just staring into them made the warm feeling in her chest return.

He suddenly shoved her away, his head turned and eyes hidden as if he was disgusted with himself. She stumbled out of the light that had since receded to a spotlight.

"Ren!" she called.

She tensed as she felt what seemed to be two fingertips on her forehead. Her heart raced, and her mind seemed to open, as if she suddenly had a revelation of epic proportions.

"Don't hold yourself back anymore, Lien," her brother's voice came. "Just be the strong person I've always known you to be. Don't be afraid. Remember: You're a Tao."

Everything went white.

Hao grabbed Lien by her bangs and hoisted her up. There was still a pulse, meaning he had nothing to fear; her soul was still in perfect condition, and she would no longer stand in his way. He put his hand in position. Finally, after all the interferences, he would regain his power and pick up where he had left off twenty-five years before.

Just as he was about to reach in, his wrist was grabbed. The quick action stunned him, causing him to momentarily freeze. A palm-heel strike hit his chin, forcing him off of her.

He regained his balanced and stared, his eyes wide in disbelief. What? How could she regain consciousness so quickly? A blow like that should have knocked her out for hours! Even then, it's almost inconceivable that she wouldn't have a concussion afterwards!

Lien staggered to her feet, slowly rising with her eyes hidden by her bangs.

"Ah, I see now," she said aloud.

Hao slowly pulled out Houraiken, getting ready to fell the girl once more.

She reached behind her head and touched it, then brought the hand back into her view. Blood. "So I fell. That's why I saw all those memories…That's why I was able to see Niisama."

She looked around and spied the bandage that had been wrapped around her chest before Tadashi ripped it off. She casually went and picked it up, then wrapped it around her, compressing her chest.

"I really hate these things sometimes," she said, as if she were alone in her room. "All the backaches…It just makes it so hard to move around. Hopefully this'll make it a little easier." When she was done, she rebuttoned her blouse, then turned to face Hao. Her head was still lowered.

"I gotta say, I was a real wimp before," she said with a chuckle. "Here I am, the only one here who can beat you and I was wasting time crying and lamenting. I've sure caused a lot of trouble for everyone."

She walked over to pick up the Kwan Dao. Hao simply followed her with his eyes, unsure of what to make of this change in attitude.

"Yeah…When Ren changed, that really killed me. He scared the pride right out of me. It was like we switched places to offset the yin and yang we used to have." She covered her face with her hand, gripping her bangs. "I thought it was impossible for me to be strong without him. But now I see…you were the one who made him change, right?"

He didn't answer.

"Thing is, I actually need to thank you for pulling all of this tonight. Without you, I never would have found myself. So really…"

She looked up at him, her eyes flaring.

"Thank you so very much, Hao. I don't know how I could ever repay you." She raised her weapon. "Li-Ling!" Her grandmother's flower spirit appeared. "It's been a while since we've trained, but I hope you remember some of the tricks we learned."

"Of course, My Lady!"

She oversouled the weapon, making a rather awkward lotus shape near the blade.

"It's not what you're used to, I know, just bear with it, Li-Ling. Please."

"It is of no problem. I shall adapt"

She glared over at Hao. "Hao, I think we should review what's happened thus far, don't you?"

Lien stiffly turned to him. "You entranced me using Huan, and brought me here. Then you used Tadashi to keep me here, and prevent my brother from taking me home."

She looked to the Usuis. "Then, because of you, the precious friends of my family are dead. Even my maidservant, as imperfect as she was, you killed her so as to strip her of any honor she had."

"You…You took my brother, the one person I could always depend on. The one person who understood everything about me, who knew what I was thinking, who always put me first, no matter what. The person I loved most. You took him from me, and you used his body to play with the emotions of everyone who has tried to stop you thus far. Not only that…"

Her eyes trailed to Ren's body.

"You killed my father. The pillar of all I knew to be good in this world. The man who is like a god to me, who is everything I could ever hope to be, who is the person whose love and approval I want the most. He's the center of my existence, and you thought if you killed him, you'd be home free with whatever this stupid plan of yours is.

"But you're wrong."

She took a few deep breaths.

"Considering the circumstances – my father is dead, Niisama is unable to fulfill his duties, Niu-Nai isn't here, and neither is Mama, who isn't of Tao blood anyway – it would seem that there's only one way to treat this battle.

"I, Tao Lien, acting head of the Tao Family, will annihilate you."