TW: Body shaming in the last couple pages of the chapter.
Notes: Mild lime towards the end.
Once again, these past three chapters have been named for the song, "Devotion" by Hurts.
A Gift of Love – Chapter 101: Devotion, Part III
Pin-Mei's mind was racing as much as the rest of her. Usually when either of her grandparents returned from a trip, she was immediately summoned to the front hall. There she would bow and welcome them home, gushing about how much they had been missed, lying when necessary.
Had he been trying to keep this a secret? From who? Why wouldn't he want anyone to know? Why…would he want me of all people to know?
Rong led her down the stone stairs and through the darkest wings of the castle. The only rooms here were those for rather unwelcome guests – not prisoners per say, but the meager accommodations assured that no lodger would be at all comfortable. Pin-Mei glanced around, unsure of why her grandfather would put up with such dank conditions.
"Rong, are you sure he's down here?" she whispered. A chill went down her spine, and she clutched her arms with a shiver.
"Yes, most positive." She looked back at her mistress. "Rest assured, I would not lead My Lady into such a dark, unnerving area without good reason."
Pin-Mei nodded. She had no reason to doubt Rong, but it didn't make their journey any more pleasant.
Suddenly, Ling popped out of one of the nearby rooms. "Rong!" she cried. Relief washed over her face. "I was afraid Mistress Suo had found us. Thank the gods it was only you."
The guard ignored her. "How is Master Yao?" Without waiting for an answer, she entered the room.
Shu looked up at her from her kneeling position at the side of the bed. "Um…I've been trying to get his fever down, but no matter what I do, he only seems to get hotter." She dipped a cloth into a small tub of water and placed it on the man's forehead.
Pin-Mei watched them from the doorway, unable to see her grandfather. Only a very limited amount of light was emitting from a lantern located on the floor next to Shu. The heiress squinted, then cautiously stepped into the room.
"Who is it…?" a tired voice came.
Rong dropped to one knee, genuflecting. "Master Yao, I have brought Lady Pin-Mei as you requested."
There was a raspy breath. "Pin-Mei…My dear granddaughter…"
She took a few more steps. "I'm here, Grandfather," she said, her voice shaking. She was thankful that he had finally returned, as he was often able to deter Suo from dolling out any severe physical punishment. Not only that, but if he was sick, there was reason to worry. He was getting on in age, and due to her family not having adopted any of the recent medical advancements, the likelihood of him dying wasn't so farfetched.
"Come closer."
His whisper was weak, strained.
Pin-Mei swallowed. Is this really just a fever? She took a few more steps toward the cheap, likely uncomfortable bed. All of this had thus far been unpleasant and rather unnerving, but she tried to act natural. She bowed.
"Welcome home, Grandfather. You were terribly missed. May the gods be praised for your…safe…return…"
The last phrase felt like a complete lie. He wasn't safe at all. He was ill…suffering…wasting away in this prison-like guest room.
Yao chuckled faintly. "There is no need for you to be so formal with me, child. I would feel so much more at home if you gave me a more "Pin-Mei-like" greeting."
Still bowed, she clenched her clasped hands. She bit her trembling lip. After a few moments, she exploded with emotion.
Pin-Mei fell to her knees, taking his cold right hand in both of hers. Her sobs were near uncontrollable, forcing her to release it momentarily to wipe her eyes. Rong soon produced a handkerchief, kneeling beside her master and clearing her vision when necessary.
"I really did miss you, Grandfather!" she cried. "I missed you so much! It…It…It's so unbearable here when you're gone! Grandmother is so much worse without you here to stop her!" She clutched the hand tighter, almost as if to strangle it. "Why…Why did you go away for so long? Why did you leave me here with her? WHY?!"
Fury and resentment were beginning to swell inside of her. The man who she saw as one of her only allies in this disgusting world had seemingly abandoned her for almost a year. He had turned out to be like everyone else, abandoning her when she had allowed herself to trust him, just as she had with Ren. This traitor had left her to be abused by his wife, someone Pin-Mei couldn't understand in the slightest why he would want to marry.
"I-I should hate you so much," she said in a choked whisper. "But you're the only family member here who treats me kindly." She nuzzled her cheek against the hand. "Please, just don't leave me again. I'll do anything, but just don't leave me by myself again! If you have to go, take me with you! I…I…"
Yao made a hushing sound and weakly squeezed her hand. "I understand, Pin-Mei," he whispered. "I'm sorry that I couldn't take you with me. There was much to accomplish in the little time I had…"
At this, she looked up at him. "Little time you had?" she asked softly, sniffling. Rong quickly leaned in and cleaned up her eyes and nose.
He hesitated, as if questioning whether or not it would be wise to be truthful with her. "Rong…if you would," he said finally.
The guard gave a simple nod, then grasped the handle at the top of the lantern and lifted it. Pin-Mei curiously followed the flame with her eyes, watching as it came to rest on the shabby nightstand at the head of the bed.
It took a bit of time for her to take in the sight before her. Her eyes widened in horror. She let out a small yip like a terrier, releasing his hand to clasp both of hers over her mouth.
As she breathed, she could smell the distinct, disgusting stench of rotting flesh. She sniffed her hands. Her mouth contorted and she tried not to gag.
It's on me…But I…What could I have touched to make me…? She stiffened, then snapped her head over to look at her grandfather's hand.
In her haste she hadn't noticed it before, but the old man's hand was grey, peeling like mad. Trembling, she watched as the nail of his index finger fell to the ground. The thumb nail soon followed.
Pin-Mei had been loosely covering her mouth up until that moment, but now she clutched it harder. Between both the horror of watching her grandfather deteriorate right in front of her very eyes, along with the nauseating stench on her hands…it was all too much.
Rong saw her mistress lurch, and she grabbed the tub Shu had been soaking the head cloth in and slammed it down in front of the girl. Water sloshed around, spilling over the sides as Pin-Mei practically collapsed on top of it. With a nod from Rong, Ling was on her feet and running to get clean water.
When she returned, Rong dipped the cloth in the water and began wiping off her Lady's face again.
"I'm sorry…Pin-Mei…"
His granddaughter wouldn't even turn to look at him. She breathed deeply, coughing, crying, shaking. Anything to try and regain her composure.
"It was selfish of me to not tell you right away…Even though I can no longer feel my right hand…I just wanted you to touch me once more…"
"It's…It's fine," she said finally. Her eyes were still flooding. "Grandfather, what happened to you?" She went to look at him, but then remember that his face would not be the source of comfort it once was. She shied away.
With a wheeze, Yao finally spoke.
"Pin-Mei, my dear granddaughter…I sense so much hatred in your tone…Even kind words come out sharp as daggers...ones dripping with venom…I'm more worried about what may have happened to you in my absence…You used to be such a sweet, happy girl…What has happened to cause such a drastic change in you?"
Pin-Mei stiffened, her eyes wide. Her head drooped, her bangs covering them. She fisted her skirt as she grit her teeth. All at once, she grabbed the damp cloth Rong was holding, stood, and threw it at the man's face.
"'What could have happened to you?'" she cried. "You can't be serious! You know what you left me here with! My witch of a grandmother! The person who hates me more than even I can comprehend! Who beats me with an iron fan until my body aches so much that I can't move! Who tells me I'm the reason why my father is so miserable that he's locked himself in his room for the past eight years, only allowing women in so he can give them the love that should be mine!
"You're the only person who doesn't treat me like some sort of parasite or some demon…" Her voice cracked as she began to cry. "The only person who doesn't make me feel hated." Her face hardened again.
"Then you leave!" she screamed. "You leave me here to fend for myself! You left, knowing that that horrible wife of yours would treat me even worse! You knew you would be throwing me into the dragon's den by leaving, but you did it anyway! You're just like everyone else! And you know how I feel about everyone else? I HATE THEM! So I hate you too! I hate you even more for tricking me! I hate you, grandfather! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!"
She panted a few times, then made a grumbling sound and kicked the leg of the bed for good measure. Rong had been sitting quietly like a feudal soldier awaiting orders, her eyes closed. Now that her mistress's tantrum had subsided, she opened her right eye to check her expression.
Pin-Mei snapped her head over. "What are you staring at?"
"I was checking to make sure My Lady was not in need of another handkerchief."
"Sure you were," she scoffed.
"Pin-Mei, please don't take your anger out on Rong…I know for a fact that she only wishes for you to be happy, as do I…" Yao whispered.
"If you meant that, then you wouldn't have left me in the first place!" she yelled back. She shut her eyes tight, but that didn't stop her tears. "Grandmother wants me to compete in the Shaman Fight, and even though I hate her, I'm going to, no matter what. I'll make it far enough so I can get away from here, and when I do, I'll just let one of the other competitors kill me. That way, that person gets to move on, and so do I. I can finally be free from all of this. Who knows, maybe Ren will be the one who finishes me off! He wouldn't even recognize me anyway!"
Ling prudently covered her mouth, then tried to cajole the small girl. "M-My Lady…You do realize that if you die, Rong will be executed, right? That's—"
"It's fine, Ling," Rong said stoically, putting up a hand to silence her. "You forget that I will be going with her. There isn't a chance in the world that I would stand by and watch Lady Pin-Mei die in front of me, no matter how badly she wishes it. I will die before her, no matter what."
She turned to look Pin-Mei in the eye.
"That much I can promise."
Pin-Mei looked uneasy for a split second, then snapped her head away. "It's your funeral."
There were a few minutes of silence, only interrupted by the old man's gasps for air.
"Pin-Mei…Do you remember what you told me your dream was?" he whispered.
She folded her arms, her eyes cast downward.
"To…to marry Ren," she said finally. "And live together with our children…happily ever after."
"What happened to that?"
She grit her teeth and looked away. "No one in Guizhou cares about me. I haven't heard anything from the Tao family since I left. If he cared at all, he would have sent me a letter by now, or called me…done something to show that I still mattered to him." Her fingernails dug into the flesh of her arm. "I realized last year that I'm probably never going to see him again. That was the only thing keeping me going. I thought if I could just hold on until I was old enough to leave and get married, then it would be worth it. I could get my happy ending.
"But knowing I mean nothing to him, that I'll never escape this place…I have nothing left. There's nothing for me on Earth. No friends, no family I can depend on. No other hopes or dreams to look forward to…" She bowed her head. "What's the point of living? It's too tiring…It hurts too much…Why try so hard when I know it will all be for nothing?" She took a few trembling breaths.
Yao had remained silent as he listened to her, despite having wanted to object numerous times. When she was done, he directed his attention to her guard.
"Rong…if you would…please fetch the parcel from my bag and give it to Pin-Mei."
She bowed. "Of course, Master Yao." She stood and walked over to the simple, meager sack leaning against the footboard. After reaching in and pulling out a rectangular item wrapped in brown paper and tied with twine, she returned.
Pin-Mei only glanced at her out of the corner of her eye as the guard bowed and offered the gift to her with outstretched arms. "Don't think you'll win me over just because you got me a souvenir."
"No, I don't expect you to forgive me," he said. "But I hope you'll be pleased by this nonetheless. It's something you've been wanting for a long time."
At this, she turned her head to look at the package. "Something I've wanted…?"
"I know it won't erase the damage that's already been done, but hopefully it will help you get closer to achieving your dream."
Pin-Mei stared for a few more seconds, then snatched the present from Rong and pulled at the twine. She ripped the wrapping paper a little too harshly, causing it to burst open and send numerous envelopes to the floor. She looked down. At least a dozen stamps celebrating ancient Chinese texts, historical figures, and creatures of the zodiac stared up at her. Her name and address were on them, the ink more faded on some than others. Hesitantly, she knelt onto the floor.
She picked up one of the envelopes. The edges were black, as if it had somehow caught fire. She carefully tore the side and pulled out the letter nestled inside. Rong placed the lantern on the side of the bed.
The room was silent as she read it. There was a crinkling sound as she held the note tighter. A sharp intake of breath followed.
Yao smiled softly. "Go ahead and read it aloud, Pin-Mei."
She nodded. A small sniffle escaped her before she took another deep breath.
'Dear Pin-Mei,
I hope you are well. I just wanted to write to you to wish you a happy birthday. Six, is that right? My, I can only imagine how much you must have grown since I saw you last.
I thought of maybe sending you a toy of some sort, but I admit that I wouldn't know what to give you. Ren rarely had time for playthings, so I'm a bit out of practice. Instead, I have enclosed a photo from when you visited. Hopefully this will surf…soof…'
"Suffice, My Lady."
"Suffice. Hopefully this will suffice."
'I know you are probably wondering about Ren. He's as good as can be expected. He spends much of the afternoon and evening training, beginning as soon as he returns from school. I'm sorry to say, but I mentioned to him that I was sending you this letter, and he gave me the impression that he doesn't remember you. Please don't feel too badly. He may only be seven, but he still has a lot on his mind. After the Shaman Fight, he won't have such burdens to carry.
Still, it would be ideal for you two to reunite before the fight starts. Hopefully your father will reply so we may orchestrate a date for that. Even if Ren acts irritated around you, I hope you'll trust me when I say that deep down, he'll be happy to see you.
I know you may not be able to write me back, but I'll keep doing my part, don't worry.
Again, Happy Birthday, little Pin-Mei.
-Ran.'
The paper fluttered to the floor, and Pin-Mei crumbled along with it. Her body hunched over so far that her forehead almost touched the ground. The tears were unrelenting. With a rather reluctant nod from Rong, the three maidservants began collecting the letters before they could be further damaged.
From his bed, Yao was still smiling weakly. "Why so many tears, Pin-Mei? I thought this was what you wanted."
"It-It is," she replied in a shaky voice. "All this time I thought they had forgotten about me…I mean…the letter is two years old, but it's here, she sent it…If only I had gotten this sooner…" She looked up at him, ignoring his grotesque appearance. "Why…Why did you keep these from me, Grandfather?"
"Of course I didn't, Pin-Mei," he explained slowly. "Suo stole those letters as they arrived, then hid them in our room. When she realized that I was catching on, she began sending them to the incinerator. I managed to salvage a few, but the rest were burned to ash. Since then, Rong, at my request, has been gathering the mail as it comes in an effort to intercept any of Ran's letters before Suo can get to them."
At this, Pin-Mei looked up at Rong, whose eyes were once again closed. "But Rong…you hate Ren…"
"My feelings toward others are irrelevant," the guard replied in a monotone voice. "The only feelings that matter are those that wish only happiness for you, My Lady. Though I personally may have ill feelings toward Lord Ren, I will set those feelings aside for your sake."
"Rong…"
Rong opened her eyes to look at her. They widened ever so slightly. For the first time in nearly two years, her master was giving her a sincere smile.
"Thank you so much, Rong," she whispered. She crawled over and hugged her. "Thank you…you have no idea how much this means to me…"
The maidservant finally rested her right hand on the girl's head, the other patting one of her wrists. "There is nothing I won't do to bring a smile to my mistress's face," she said calmly.
Yao gave them another moment to revel in Rong's good deed, then continued. "I suggest that you contact Zhang's parents and ask them if they would mind if you had Ran send her letters to their house instead of here. Rong put herself in a formidable amount of danger by helping me. I'm sure she would appreciate it if you would spare her from this task."
Pin-Mei nodded hastily. "Yes! Yes of course! That's a really good idea! Plus it's a good excuse to see them!" Her smile was still holding. It seemed as though the letter had been just what she needed to cleanse her heart rekindle her hope.
Wheezing and coughing sounded throughout the dark room. Pin-Mei sprang up and went to her grandfather's bedside.
"Grandfather! What's wrong?! What do you need? What can I get for you?" She grabbed the lantern from the bed and returned it to the nightstand. She forced herself to keep her eyes on him as his gory visage came into view. It took all she had to keep the nausea at bay, but she managed. He deserved that much from her.
"Pin-Mei, bring the lantern over. Let me see how much you've grown," he whispered.
Her breathing hitched. She looked back at Rong. The guard closed her eyes and gave her a slow nod. Pin-Mei's gaze trailed to the ground. She shook it off and tried to smile.
"Of course!" She picked up the lantern and roughly set it down again, making sure the noise would be enough to signal she had done as he asked.
A small smile formed on his lips. "Oh, how beautiful you're becoming, my dearest granddaughter," he said softly. "You really do look just like your mother..."
"Th-Thank you…" Her gaze began to drift again, but something caught her eye. She squinted.
Like a crimson tear, red liquid was brimming in his eyes. When it overflowed, it fell down his cheek, leaving red streaks. Another stream came down, this time from his nose.
Is that…blood?!
"Gr-Grandfather?! What's happening? What's wrong with you?" She glanced around frantically, looking at Rong, then the rotted hand she had held before, then back to Yao. "Grandfather, please tell me what I can do for you! I'll help you any way I can!" she cried, her voice raspy as she tried to keep herself together.
He didn't immediately answer her, his cursed milky eyes showing no hint of emotion.
"Ah…So my time is nearly up…"
She let out a breathy gasp. "Wh-What do you mean? You can't die, Grandfather!"
"I'm sorry, Pin-Mei…Believe me, if I knew of a way to stay with you, I would…Of course I would…But I have no choice in the matter…The curse tag Suo used was much more powerful than I could have imagined…"
Pin-Mei's eyes grew wide. "Suo…So Grandmother did this to you?! Why?!"
"Ahaha…She didn't appreciate my meddling in "her affairs." All she had needed me for was to help her bear children, after all. I'm of no use to her anymore…If anything, I've been a hindrance…"
She squeezed his hand. "But you're her husband! I can see why she would hate me so much - Mother is dead because of me. But you?! You're supposed to be the person she loves most! Why would she want to kill you?!"
He shook his head minimally, as if pitying her. "She loves no one. She doesn't have the capacity to love anyone, not even herself. By the time the matchmaker introduced us, she had already taken to the belief that humans are undeserving of living in this world, that they are simply a plague that should be eradicated as soon as possible…She promised herself that she would punish those whom she deemed parasites. I tried to change her, ever hopeful that if I just showed my love for her, she would reveal herself to be a kind and loving person. I never succeeded…The only time she showed any sort of kindness was toward Yan…But after she was killed…She…Suo…"
Pin-Mei had been just sitting and listening, but now she could sense that he was fading. "H-Hang on! I'll…I'll go ask Grandma and Grandpa Xu what I should do to save you!" She went to stand. "I'll—"
"No," he said quietly, weakly. "There's no conventional medicine in existence that can cure this…"
Pin-Mei returned to the ground, defeated. Yao twisted himself so his left hand could reach her. It looked only slightly less decrepit than his right. "Give me…Your hand…"
She obeyed, offering her left with the palm facing up.
"Watch closely, Pin-Mei."
He began using his finger like a calligraphy brush, writing characters on her small palm. She watched closely, trying not to blink.
"Remember these characters," he said as he completed the last stroke. "Engrave them into your mind. Practice them every day. Never forget them. If Suo ever aims a tag at you with these characters on it, you must avoid it no matter the cost. If you don't, you will suffer the same fate I am now."
His hand suddenly went limp, a cracking sound accompanied it.
The little girl stared at it in horror. "Grand…father…" She couldn't keep the whimpers inside as she turned back to his face. Her vision became blurry as tears fell and her entire body shook. As cruel as the thought was, she was thankful she couldn't see him.
"I'm sorry I was away for so long, Pin-Mei." His voice was becoming even more weak and raspy.
"I-It's okay! Really! Please don't feel bad about that anymore!"
"I left as soon as I knew I was cursed…I knew it was impossible to cure…I wanted to do as much as I could secure your future…I failed to save Hua…I didn't…I refuse to fail in saving you.
"It's okay! I'm okay! We're all okay!"
"I sent Shu…so you would have one more person…to protect you…I adjusted your inheritance…so you can continue to live comfortably…I met with Ran."
"Y-You did?!"
"Yes…I advised her that you haven't been receiving her letters….and that you want nothing more than to see Ren again…she assured me that she would keep trying…to reach you…Ren is enduring very…strenuous training regimens…As she said…he will be different when you see him…but a pained boy like him needs someone who…loves him as much as you do."
Pin-Mei wiped her eyes and nodded. "I promise I'll write to her, and I'll make sure I see Ren again. I won't let your hard work go to waste!"
The corners of his mouth turned up slightly. "Just don't give up like she did…Even if the world seemed cruel now, it truly is worth the pain to continue living…"
"I know it is! I promise I won't give up!"
"Good…I've always known you to be an obedient child," he whispered. His eyelids were twitching.
All at once, small red blotches covered his face.
"Just know that I love you…So did your mother…As does your father…"
"I love you too, Grandfather," she whispered back. "Thank you for all you've done."
"Ahaha…Of course, my child…Of course…"
There was a small smile on her face. He really had done so for her, even when she had been acting like a rude, spoilt child. He really did care. She closed her eyes and wiped them with a curled index finger.
"Really, Grandfather I—"
There as a popping sound – like a large, fleshy pimple. She froze mid-wipe and looked at him. Her eyes shot open.
Yao's face was covered with blood. It was now flowing from nearly every pore. What small areas of skin she could see had turned grey. His jaw had gone flimsy, hanging open. The skin was rotting away.
She had no desire to watch her only blood ally in the castle deteriorate before her eyes, but her body wouldn't move. Small, hoarse whimpers escaped her as she leaned away from him, her hands daintily raised in small fists.
The milky white eyes shifted.
"R…ong…p…lea…se…"
His jaw went limp, unhinged like a puppet's. It drifted to the side. Blood trailed from the corner of his mouth like lazy saliva.
Pin-Mei let out a shriek as Rong made her move. She nodded to Ling and Shu. They nodded back and grabbed their mistress, then began pulling her from the room. When Pin-Mei realized what was going on, she struggled.
"N-No! Let me stay with him! Let me stay! I need to say good-bye!"
They didn't give in, but her flailing made it hard for them to obey Rong's order. Seeing this, Rong took out a cloth and opened her vest, taking a bottle from it. After pouring the contents on the rag, she placed it over the girl's nose and mouth. Pin-Mei continued trying to break free.
"One of you hold this. Get her out of here now."
"Yes, Ma'am!"
The guard stood and approached the bed. Pin-Mei reached out, as if trying to pull her back. Her vision faded in and out as the chloroform took hold of her.
She could see Rong kneel before the bed and kowtow to her grandfather.
"You needn't suffer anymore, Master Yao."
The guard then stood and pulled a blade from the handle of her chained whip. She raised it.
The last thing Pin-Mei heard was a gurgle of gratitude from her grandfather before she passed out.
The scene darkened, focusing on Rong as she brought the knife down. The sound of the blade piercing Yao's throat echoed throughout the plane as it went completely dark.
After a few moments, another materialized. Now Ren was back in Pin-Mei's room. Pin-Mei herself was under her comforter crying while Rong, Ling, and Shu stood next to the bed, watching silently. Minutes passed, and Rong finally sat on the edge of the bed.
"Lady Pin-Mei, I am by no means trying to be cruel, but it would be wise to contain your sadness and not cry. Mistress Suo cannot know that you are aware of what truly happened to Master Yao. If she finds out, only the Great Spirit knows what will happen to you." She paused momentarily. "And you must keep yourself safe, if not for your own sake, for Lord Ren's."
The lump moved as Pin-Mei nodded. She stuck her hand out and she was handed a tissue. After blowing her nose, she lowered the blanket, allowing her teary face to come into view. She was trying hard to heed Rong's advice, but judging by her troubled breathing, Ren knew it was nigh impossible. He squinted.
"Her face…"
As if reading his mind, Rong gently held her chin and turned it so she could study her. She shook her head.
"The blood vessels around your eyes are all popped. There's no way Suo won't notice these blotches." She looked up. "Shu, bring me Lady Pin-Mei's makeup box."
"Y-Yes of course!" the small servant cried. She ran to Pin-Mei's powder bureau and opened one of its small drawers. After taking out a parcel about half the size of a shoebox, she returned. She put her head down and held it out to Rong in a small bow. The guard took it.
'What are you going to do with that? I haven't used it since…" Her eyes watered and her shoulders drooped. "…Grandfather gave it to me last year…" She tried to shake it off, refusing to break down again. "All those things are probably old! Aren't they useless like that?"
Rong examined the kit. Sure enough, the makeup, though barely used, was dry and cracked. "It doesn't matter," she said finally. "We have to cover up those marks under your eyes or Suo will catch on that we know what happened to Lord Yao. She'll beat you at the very least, and I won't let that happen."
She added a few drops of water to the dry concealer. After mixing it up, she was finally able to come up with a tone pale enough to match her mistress's. She began dabbing the little girl's face using the care and precision of a painter adding clouds to a landscape. When she was done, the spots were nowhere to be seen.
Ling and Shu clapped, in awe of her feat. Ren couldn't really blame them. After all, Rong had never seemed like the type to know anything about cosmetics.
She took a step back and sighed. "Alright. Just don't rub your face or anything," she said. "And absolutely no crying. Understand?"
Pin-Mei nodded furiously, then forced a smile. "Thank you, Rong."
The guard bowed. "If there is something I can do to prevent any harm from coming to My Lady, I will not hesitate to do it."
Pin-Mei stared at her in silence. Her eyes were widening more and more by the second. Ren watched her drop her handkerchief, then fall to her knees. As the moments went by, a hoarse whimper began, gradually becoming louder until she was bawling. She slammed her head against the floor, her arms out in front of her.
"I'm sorry…" she whispered. "I'm so sorry…I'm sorry…All this time you've just been…And I…I've…"
"Shh…"
Rong knelt in front of her, gently stroked her hair, then tilted her chin up. "My Lady, you don't need to bow to anyone – not Suo, not the villagers, not Ren, and certainly not me. Whether you choose to acknowledge it or not, you have Qiao blood running through your veins." Pin-Mei was about to protest, but Rong's thumb kept her mouth shut. "Now, it's getting quite late. Once I reapply your makeup, let's settle down and tuck you into bed. It's still a school night."
Pin-Mei solemnly looked down at the rug. After all this, she had to face her classmates the next morning? The Great Spirit must have had it out for her.
"Of course, there has been quite a bug going around the village. With this cold weather, it would be dreadful for you to catch it."
She looked up to see Rong giving her a half-smile, and she couldn't help but smile back.
They faded, then reappeared with Pin-Mei in bed clutching Lián, and Rong seated on a stool next to her. She held one of the purloined letters as she calmly read from it, her listener leaning on every word.
"Thank you for coming all the way here to see Ren. He really did seem to enjoy your company in his own way. En resumed his training as soon as you left, so he hasn't had a peaceful moment since…"
Pin-Mei looked down at Lián and kissed him on the head. "Don't worry, we'll be together again soon!" She squeezed him tight, then vanished.
Ren just stared at where she had been. His gaze trailed to the floor until his head was bowed.
Hua came up beside him. "I'll admit that even after this, there were still days that she lost hope and lashed out. There were times when not even your mother's letters could quell her loneliness."
He clenched his fist. All those years, Ran had been working behind the scenes to ensure that he and Pin-Mei would reunite. She had done it all without him knowing. And she had simply smiled at them, never expecting a word of gratitude. Seeing him happy had been enough. If only she weren't already gone…
A small bit of light caught his eye. He looked up to see the mirage of a ten year-old Pin-Mei trudging through the darkness. Bruised and battered, she moved like a traveler lost in a desert.
"I also won't pretend that her obsession with you is anything short of foolish. Hinging her entire existence on seeing you again…What if you had been killed during the Shaman Fight? What then?" She shook her head in disgust. "Still…"
Pin-Mei fell to her knees, her eyes blank. A small prison formed around her. Shadows, some of which Ren faintly recognized, passed by her. She gripped the bars, shook them, reached out to the shadows with muted screams.
"All those years, she begged for help. Zhang didn't help her. Sun and Na couldn't help her, being only human and powerless against my mother. Rong tried to help, but at the same time hindered her. Her reluctance to allow Pin-Mei to join your family led to her allowing at least one of your proposed meetings to be missed." Their eyes met.
"I was supposed to visit the following year, but Father forgot."
"He forgot?"
"Yes, that's what I was told."
He frowned. Rong, you…
"I was of no help," Hua continued. "I wouldn't even appear before Pin-Mei to encourage her. I felt that my presence would only make things more difficult for her." She faced forward. "But you…"
Ren watched one of the passing shadows assume the appearance of his sixteen year-old self. It stopped and looked down at the caged girl, her body now aged to fourteen. She had given up; her head was down, her arm had flopped to the ground in defeat.
"At first you were so against being with her…but you were finally the person who not only protected her, but encouraged her to defy Suo, even in the smallest of ways. Wearing her hair down, for example. It was one way she was forced to live her life as my copy. With you, she didn't have to keep up the routine of wearing blue contacts and using my facial cream. She realized she didn't need those things. You loved her anyway."
Ren watched as he quickly grabbed his fiancée's hand and pulled her up. The prison dissolved as she passed through the bars, like smoke.
"Ren…you freed her."
The mirage of his wife looked up at him in shock. She bit her lip, then began to cry. He gently brushed her hair from her face and placed his hand on her head. She lunged and hugged him. They disappeared.
"Had you not re-entered her life, had Ran given up on writing to her, had she not been given hope that she would see you again, there's little doubt in my mind that Pin-Mei would be dead by now." She looked over her shoulder at him. "I have even less doubt that you would have slain her as an opponent in the Shaman Fight. All that anger would have channeled into determination to track you down and fight you, knowing she wouldn't have a prayer against you." She looked away. "You would have simply been the means to help carry out a desire she had in those dark years."
Ren's eyes shifted in the darkness. All this newfound information…these things Pin-Mei had hidden from him…How was he supposed to react? He felt anger at her secrecy, concern over the reason why, hurt that she hadn't trusted him as a confidant. Then there was this "choice" he had to make. Should he reject her, would time be reversed? Would Ren, Lien, Niu-Nai, Xue, Seta, and even Rong vanish? Or would Pin-Mei simply disappear, and his life go on?
He clutched his head. The throbbing was back, and worse than ever before. How was he supposed to sort all this out if his mind wouldn't allow him?
Hua sighed. "I've shown you all I can," she said in a reluctant voice. "The rest is up to you. You must draw upon what you know about Pin-Mei in order to arrive at your decision. Just know that…" She glared up at him, eyes like daggers. "If you make my daughter cry, I'll make your afterlife a living hell."
With that, she vanished for good. All was quiet in the darkened realm. He never would have admitted it aloud, but the deathly silence bothered him.
Now what? Pin-Mei's gone, so I couldn't even make my choice right now if I wanted to. And I can't leave until I do. Ren glanced about the area. It seemed as though wandering was his only option. He folded his arms and started trekking.
Hua's reason for not bringing him back to Pin-Mei quickly became clear. All this walking gave him plenty of time to think. He reflected on the memories he had just seen many, many times. One question kept nagging at him.
Why didn't she mention any of this? Sure, I knew Suo had beaten her, but she never told me herself, never elaborated on her childhood. She never complained or confided in me. Why?
He stopped.
"No wait…That's wrong."
A vision of a pained fourteen year-old Pin-Mei flashed in his mind. What was she doing? She was…on all fours in front of him…looking back at him. She was on the brink of tears.
"I remember now…"
It had been a mere three weeks since their return from Xu-Tao Castle to gather Pin-Mei's things – after their relationship had become intimate.
Pin-Mei had always insisted on being on her back, or at least having it face away from him. Ren had allowed her to do as she pleased, as he had wanted her to feel comfortable and safe, but the night finally came when he decided to give her a little push.
Before removing his pants, with her under him, he had run his hand down her naked body and whispered in her ear.
"Let me see the rest of you."
Her body had instantly and noticeably tensed. When his eyes met hers, she was like a deer in headlights. He tried to bury the slight annoyance he felt. In his mind, there was no reason for her to be so afraid. All this time, he had been doing everything in his power to prevent this sort of reaction. He considered backing down, but she hadn't shaken her head or said no, so if he wanted a straight answer, he would have to prod a bit more.
"What are you afraid of? I promise I won't hurt you."
She looked away. "I know…I know you won't."
He brushed her bangs from her face. "If you don't like it, we won't do it again until you're ready."
Their eyes met again. Hers still looked terrified, as if he were asking her to spend a night alone in the Ryuyou no Ma. Definitely not a "Yes."
He let out a small sigh. "If it bothers you that much, then-"
"No…I'll…I'll do it…"
He held back a smile. "Are you sure?"
She nodded. "Yes."
Pin-Mei slowly sat up, wiping her eyes. After making eye contact with him once again, she turned around and sat on her legs. Before he could see her back, she flipped her long black hair behind her shoulders, covering it. He looked slightly perturbed, but calmly inched closer and gently pushed on her shoulder blade. She didn't move.
"How…How much do you love me?" she whispered, her head bowed.
He released the pressure he had been placing on her. "Why are you asking? Have I done something to make you think otherwise?"
"Please, just answer me…"
She gave a small start as he wrapped his arms around her. His mouth was at her ear.
"I love you more than Yi loved Da-Xia – a love that transcended almost two thousand years. More than Zhang loved your mother – a love short-lived, but still overcame so much. More than I love milk – something I'm not afraid of anyone seeing. Pin-Mei, I love you more than anything, more than I will ever allow myself to admit." He came just a bit closer. "And nothing will ever change that."
The deep breath she took staggered. Without another word, she wiped her eyes and got down on all fours in front of him. He watched her try to cover her back with her hair, but it kept falling to either side of her. Eventually, with a childish moan, she gave up. He grinned. Finally, he would be getting what he had been wanting ever since she had first offered herself to him.
His first order of business was to brush her hair out of the way. All it took was a gentle sweeping motion of his left hand.
And now…
He froze, his devilish smile vanishing in an instant.
Pin-Mei's porcelain white skin was covered with diagonal scars. He didn't take the time to count them all, but there must have been at least a dozen. His mind raced.
"What the gods happened to you?!"
Useless question. He knew exactly what – or rather, who – had happened to her.
"Why did you keep this from me?"
Another useless question. Of course he knew why.
Ren squinted at one of the larger, darker scars. It ran from her right shoulder blade, across her spine, and nearly to her left hip. Without thinking, he traced it with his left hand.
I couldn't protect her…I just sat here and did nothing while she…
It was fresh. Her shuddering brought him back.
"Ren…? What do you think…?"
He looked down at her. She was glancing back at him, tears in her eyes. When he didn't reply, she faced forward again and hung her head.
More than anything, he wanted to apologize for not coming for her sooner, for not saving for from the abuse she had suffered. It would be hard to force out, which could show her just how much he meant it. But was that what she wanted?
With a small smile, he ran his hand down her back again, this time on her spine.
"Sorry, I was just admiring your body, how beautiful it is."
She stopped. "W-What?"
"Even more alluring than I was expecting. It left me a little speechless."
"But…But…"
"But what?"
"My…back…"
"Yes, I'm looking at it. Smooth, pale skin – just like the rest of you. Not a single imperfection to be had." He touched his chin with a sound of thought. "Not even a single blemish. You're one lucky girl. Heh. Of course, you have me as your fiancé, so you already knew that."
Pin-Mei's body was shaking. Looking into the mirror that made up his headboard, he could see her biting her lip, her eyes shut tight. He leaned over her, his mouth resting on her neck. Over her shoulder he could see that she was fisting the sheets under her hand. A tear fell on it, then another.
"You never have to worry about how I view your body," Ren whispered. "No matter how you view yourself, all I see is perfection."
"R-Ren…"
He ran his hands down her back, then up over the soft flesh of her torso, before running his left hand down her arm to grasp hers. A kiss to her neck.
"You've looked past all of my scars. Why shouldn't I look past yours?"
Why shouldn't he? That's all those scenes were- scars from a life Pin-Mei had been trying her best to get past and forgive herself for. Judging by how Rong had never hinted at any of this, she had forgiven her friend long ago. Pin-Mei was the only one clinging to these toxic memories.
What the hell have I been doing…wait…my scars? What scars do I-?"
Everything began flooding back. Slicing Jiang Shi in two day after day. Punishing servants of his own. Murdering those who got in his way. How he had smirked and walked away from Chrome's still-warm corpse. Everything he had ever been ashamed of.
She had ignored all of that. Never asking why, never wanting him to repent.
"Pin-Mei…"
"Ren…"
He looked up. Pin-Mei was before him again. Still fourteen. Still crying.
"I…I'm sorry for being a bad girl. I'm sorry…for everything," she said, her hands covering her face. "I'm sorry…Just please…please forgive me…Don't leave me alone…I need you…I can't imagine life without you…I just can't…live without you…I just can't…"
His folded arms unlocked and fell. He stared at her, then grit his teeth and bowed his head.
"Foolish woman…Do you have any idea how pathetic you look right now? Professing your love for a man who was just contemplating leaving you?" He clenched his fists. "Who drugged you when you got in his way? Who slapped you back instead of refraining and taking control of the situation? And what of all the other things I've done?" He looked around angrily. "You haven't forgotten that I tried to rape you, have you? You're so goddamn foolish! It pisses me off!"
He glanced up at her, eyes flaring. Upon seeing her still crying as if she hadn't heard a single word, they softened.
"You still say, after all that, you need me? You can't live without me?" He began walking toward her. "And what say do I have? What do I have to consider?
"Do I really want some naïve clingy girl for a wife? Someone who cries no matter if she's happy or sad? Who…knows about my past, but still thinks the world of me? Someone who…put us through so much, who's been beaten so hard and in so many ways that at times I doubted if I'd be able to help?"
He stopped in front of her. "Those months after you came back…you have no idea how hard those were. You had been so cheerful before. But once everyone went back to Japan and we were alone, you just fell apart. All that pent up hurt came out and I wasn't prepared for it. I'd never dealt with something like that before. There were those times when all I could do was lay in our bed and hold you, whispering in your ear because I just…didn't know what else to do.
"But we got through it. I didn't toss you aside because you suddenly weren't "perfect." Even when you fell into that deep depression because you thought you would never be able to have children with me, I didn't give up. You didn't fall in love with a quitter, and like Hell I was going to become one."
The girl continued sobbing, unaffected by his words. Ren's eyes trailed to the ground, then back to her.
"I always thought you were weak," he said. "When we met, your body was so frail that I was sometimes afraid to even touch you. You were kidnapped, and I thought you would just sit there and cry until I saved you. Suo took you away, and I never fathomed that you would escape on your own. I never counted on you being able to fight for yourself. Even when you insisted on applying to my school, I didn't believe in you. I always thought you were...incapable."
He shook his head. "I couldn't have been more wrong."
"When Silva came and told me I needed to go with him, to do my duty and tame the Spirit of Thunder, you were the one who urged me to go. You understood that I had to leave, even though it meant finishing your pregnancy on your own, without me there to help you. How scared were you, watching me ride off, waving to me with a big smile on your face? Hiding your emotions for once in your life…Did you ever regret letting me leave?
"That journey allowed me to see Lyzerg and Chocolove again, but that wasn't enough. Every day I was gone, I regretted it. I regretted not being there to help you. It wasn't until after I left that I remembered all the pain you'd complain about having, how you couldn't sleep, how uncomfortable you felt nearly every day. And I had just left you to fend for yourself.
"You never let on how you felt. Even when the twins were born, I knew you were in pain, but you told me that you were my wife, and because of that, you refused to scream or cry. I was only gone for three months, but you changed so much. Jun told me how you tried to be self-sufficient in every way, even when it was clear you needed help. You…decided to take on my family's pride while I wasn't looking."
He laughed to himself in a derogatory manner. "We've really put each other through a lot. Almost twenty-five years, now. Neither of us are the exact same people we were back then. Of course not - we've both grown up.
"I remember when I tried to convince myself that you weren't maturing, to stop looking at your body. It didn't hit me until our wedding day that you weren't a little girl anymore. Then you chose to deal with the end of your pregnancy on your down. I didn't have any choice other than to see you as the beautiful woman you had become.
"Your appearance may have changed, but 'you' never did. You're still Pin-Mei. You're still naïve, quick to cry, and sometimes you're an airhead, but you're still the kind and unconditionally loving person you were when we met. Most of the things you've done for me have been out of love and devotion. I never admitted that – to you or even myself. I've just seen it as you being you.
"I could never accept that you were so much more than I originally thought. I always had to teach you things, and because of that, I convinced myself that you needed me. I've been tutoring you since we were children. You wanted to be accepted into my school, so I sat down and shoved three years of lessons into that head of yours. You passed. You may not have graduated at the top of your class, but you made it. I never told you how amazing that is."
Pin-Mei still hadn't heard him. Ren's eyes softened.
"I thought I knew everything. I think you did, too. If you had a question, you'd come to me with a diabeties-inducingly sweet smile and ask me to explain it to you. And I would, thinking it was just one more thing I was better at then you. But I realize that slowly, you've been teaching me the entire time, too. I'm doing things now, acting in ways I never thought I would. I never saw myself married, with children. Able to live with a clear conscience as opposed to cursing myself for what I had become. I never saw myself…happy."
His eyes began to burn.
"Pin-Mei, you've made me realize something."
He stepped forward and ripped her hands away from her face. She stared up at him with wide, guilty black eyes for a split second before he lunged and hugged her, holding her tightly against him.
"I could never live without you, either."
Instantly, Pin-Mei's body shattered, replaced with her true, older self. Her arms were suspended, almost as if she were going to return his embrace. She could do nothing but quiver, her eyes wide and shaking just as much as the rest of her. The thought that he would hold her so lovingly and so tightly after what she knew he had witnessed was something she couldn't possibly comprehend.
Finally, she couldn't take it anymore.
"No…Why would you…?"
She shoved herself away from him. "You've seen everything! You know what I've been hiding from you for over twenty years! I'm not the prim, proper Pin-Mei I've acted like all these years I've been with you!" Her eyes were filling with tears again, her voice strained. "I was a horrible child! I hurt those who loved me! I—"
Ren forcefully covered her lips with his to silence her. When they parted, their eyes briefly met before he pulled her against him, holding her with vise-like strength. This time, she had no way of escaping his grasp.
She couldn't find it in her to hug him back. All she could do stand there, her head against his chest, and stare into the now brightened plane in bewilderment. His heartbeat filled her ears. Every thump threatened to send her over the edge.
"Why…?" she whispered. Her eyes filled with tears, the pain and regret of what she had relived falling down her cheeks. "I'm supposed to confide everything in you. You should know everything about me by now. And yet, I still kept all of this from you. I never wanted you to find out about this…that I wasn't always so nice and loving to everyone. Now you have…and it wasn't even from me…"
He remained silent, his head bowed and nestled against hers.
"Doesn't it disgust you? Aren't you ashamed of me? How can you just act like this doesn't change anything?" Her voice seemed almost bitter. "What's wrong with you?"
He only held her tighter. "Are you done?"
She let out a small sound of uneasiness.
"Alright, then let me talk.
"You're right, I was surprised. Honestly, at first I thought it was all a trick. When Hua didn't deny it, however, I knew I had to accept it. Then, for some reason I viewed it as a lot worse than it was. I know you now know your behavior was wrong, so why punish you for it? Would my leaving really help you heal?"
"I…But…"
"I have a question, and I hope you can answer it for me. Tell me…
"What have I done to make all of you think I'm incapable of unconditional love?"
Her eyes shot open, wide as saucers. All these years, there had been times when she had felt the need to walk on eggshells, afraid he would leave her at the slightest disappointment. Reflecting on it, she realized there had been no reason for her to do so. Despite how cold he could be, how he would often refrain from public displays of affection, not for one second before this whole ordeal began had she felt unloved.
She too recalled that night in which she had finally shown him the scars Suo had given her over the years. Her grandmother had told her that no self-respecting heir to such an illustrious family would tolerate such a marred, "ugly" body, and she had believed it. Her round face had been used as an excuse to starve her, supposedly in hopes that weight loss would help remedy it. All this just to make her as unattractive as possible.
But all of that had blown up in Suo's face. Ren hadn't cared in the least. He never dwelled on her appearance, nor had he ever pointed out how gaunt her body was. In fact, that one night, he had uttered the word she had so desperately wanted to hear growing up.
"Beautiful."
He had accepted her unconditionally.
Even when he learned of all those strange quirks couples tend to discover upon living together, he had ignored the annoying ones, and attempted to correct the more bothersome ones. (It had taken some time, but he finally to stop her from emptying her school bag onto her floor every day when they came home.) Even when she was cranky and emotional during her pregnancies, he had taken it, rarely countering in a nasty fashion.
Speaking of which, her depression. Oh spirits, her depression. She put him through Hell right along with her for that year and a half – and he had stayed. Furthermore, he hadn't even removed his engagement ring. If he didn't leave her over that – no, he had eagerly wed her even! – then what would he leave her over?
Sobbing, she clutched his back, trying to avoid digging her nails into his skin. "N-Nothing," she whispered. "You haven't done anything to make me think that. You've done just the opposite. It was all just me being terrified of losing you. I don't care how pathetic you or anyone else think I am, but my world would just stop if you weren't in it. At this point, if I didn't have our children and I lost you that would just be it for me. I would…I would just…"
"Shhh…Neither of us is going anywhere, so don't waste your time thinking about it. The only place we're going is home." He stroked her hair a few times before releasing her. "For now, we need to get back to the outside. If my hunch is right, Hao has been using this time to wear HoroHoro down."
She nodded, then bowed her head slightly. Her hands found his, and she looked up at him with shy eyes and a red face.
"I love you, Ren."
He gave her a small smile. "I love you, too."
They kissed once more, their fingers intertwining. White light engulfed them.
The final test was over.