Chapter Twelve

Whale Calls of Denial

If there was anything I was quite talented at, it was exaggerating things to the umpteenth degree until my mind sprinted out of control and hit a wall. With my pulsing head, it certainly felt like I'd hit a wall, anyway.

My heart hammered in my chest and my limbs felt heavy and numb like I'd drunk myself into oblivion. Which I hadn't. I'd only kissed Sirius. Friendly kiss. The forehead, after all, is a perfectly safe, friendly kissing zone and it was in no way crossing any kind of boundary. He wasn't even awake. It was fine.

But a thought nagged at my mind, suggesting that my lips had been in far too much of proximity to his.

My mind battled against the thoughts, and I attempted to visualize myself charging at an angry army of trolls with a spear, hollering and yodeling at the top of my lungs. That thought, though, probably was a little too distracting. The feeling of soft lips brushing against my cheek brought me back to the surface and I was reminded of the warm arms encasing me in a reality that was suddenly all too vivid.

I'd almost blurted out, "Oh, yeah, forgot you were here!" but kept my tongue. Thank Merlin I'd been blessed with some sort of social instinct. "Kenneth," I said instead, shaping my mouth into my best attempt at a smile. His eyes poured into mine and a familiar fuzzy feeling filled my stomach, making me a bit woozy on my feet.

I gripped his fingers for balance, passing it off as an affectionate gesture, and allowed myself a few moments to stabilize.

Kenneth was quite the charmer, I forced myself to admit after the wave of violent electricity passed. I certainly had liked kissing him, too, in the few times that I had, but as the swooping calm wrapped around me, I couldn't help but think that it hadn't really meant anything indefinitely. It was a not-right-but-not-wrong kind of feeling, and that made it more numb than anything else.

He was perfect in a million ways and I almost felt ashamed for not appreciating his deep eyes or golden hair as much as I could have. But those things only held a temporary effect, as all appearances did eventually, and I found myself hitting another wall.

Though there was something else. I hardly dared to admit it, but there was something else that drove me from Kenneth, a little bud of a thought, an idea in my mind that threatened to attack all of my control.

But that was trivial, inconsequential, and I could not dwell on it. Would not, rather. Especially because Kenneth was so close to me and beckoning me with those damn eyes. But I couldn't.

"How are you?" he asked finally, stirring me from my cloud of thoughts. I studied his face, taking in the sight of the strain and composure in his features, wondering absentmindedly if those lines around his eyes had been there before and if I'd had anything to do with them. "You and Sirius?" he added.

I choked loudly, unable to repress the deathly color and heat that burned at my cheeks. "Me and Sirius? What do you mean?"

His eyebrows arched, and in a quick flash I realized I'd made too quick of a judgment. My expression fell, and I stammered in a fluster to correct myself.

"I mean—no—I'm good, I'm alive and so is—so is, um, Sirius."

Oh, Merlin.

A hint of mirth passed his eyes for a moment, as if he was saying, 'I'm alive?' Well thank goodness, too. I'd have had a conniption fit if I found myself talking to your ghost! He hadn't said anything of the sort, though, just nodded his head subtly with his gaze wandering from me for a moment. "I'm glad you're okay. Mighty good at living up to that Gryffindor name, yeah?"

I shrugged, but found that my response really wasn't necessary. He spoke again as if I hadn't responded at all and the question had been poised on his tongue the entire time.

"So, Black then, eh?"

This time I was overly hesitant, staring at him for an explanation before I blurted out any other morbidly embarrassing things.

Kenneth appeared slightly pained, but concealed it in a quick moment, and I wondered if I'd just imagined it. "How do you feel about us?" he asked. "You and me."

I scratched my forehead, teetering a bit on my feet. I wracked my brain for a feasible, honest answer, but I was drawing a blank. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I guess now's a rotten time to bring this up," he said sourly, shifting slightly away, visibly uncomfortable. "But I've been meaning to ask you… about all of this. You and me, you know? I know I've told you I fancy you, but we've never really…" He held my gaze, biting his lip, and breathed outwards with resignation. "Discussed it."

This was not the sort of conversation boys enjoyed having, I decided internally. Hell, I didn't even like it.

"Just want to know if I'm wasting my time," he said, tone softening, placating me from my own discomfort. "What do you think?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "Right now, I don't think I can't take anything really… serious." The serious-Sirius pun stung harshly in my mind but I quickly attempted to disregard it as he was not someone I needed in my thoughts at a moment like this.

Kenneth nodded, face still slack and cool, almost as if he'd expected the reaction. "And then there's Black."

I grew tense again, desperately wishing to flee the scene. There, that was it, I'd said it, I'd said all I needed to and now I was done with all of this, wasn't I? We didn't need to venture into any other topics.

"Do you fancy him?"

It was an innocent question, but I couldn't help but want to bite his head off. I sighed, digging my nails into my palm. "No," I answered automatically, an instinctive answer that had always been true as long as I'd ever known Sirius. He was my best friend—I'd always considered him to be like a girl, really—and no one had ever questioned our friendship. Not until Kenneth came along. I'd never questioned it myself. Not until Kenneth came along. I thought about his question, and wondered if my automatic answer really did it justice. I didn't fancy Sirius; fancying reminded me of frills and girlish giggles accompanied with candy hearts and magical chocolate scented roses. And love poems and kissing and pretty pink dresses and candlelight dinners and everything that was so not Sirius and me. But maybe that's not what he meant at all. Maybe he'd just meant to ask how I felt about Sirius, whether it was on the grounds of really seeing him as a literal girl or as appreciating him for the good old bloke he was. Or maybe it was more complex than that.

But the longer I thought about it, the longer I realized our friendship had grown increasingly complex over the last couple of months. I could see him burning in front of me again and I felt the rabid loss of sense and control crawl its way up my back. It was worse than anything I'd ever felt, seeing him like that and unable to reach out to him, watching him squirm and writhe before me. The effect was immeasurable; sure, I would have reacted similarly if it'd been anyone but him, but the fact that it was him had stabbed at my control and made me incapable of functioning. If it'd ended any worse, I would have been driven blind with insanity. Just the thought of his laugh, his smile, his grey eyes all erupting into flames lodged a cry in my throat.

And so I opened my mouth, correcting my answer with a simple, "I don't know."

"You're late!"

Sirius huffed, flattening out stray strands of hair idly. "You act as if I've missed our wedding. Calm down."

"I've been waiting for you for fifteen minutes. You said two," I growled.

"My point exactly. What's the rush? It's just McGonagall."

I scowled, stringing him along the corridor. "When you do get married, Sirius, I am personally going to assure that you are not late for your own wedding. I will barge into your dressing room and drag you out half-naked if I need to."

He laughed loudly at the image. "Does that imply that I'll be without my shirt or without my pants?"

I shot him a look and he held up his hands defensively.

We arrived at McGonagall's office minutes later and I paused, staring at the slight crack in the door. The sound of our approaching footsteps was met with the door swinging completely open, revealing a disheveled and exhausted looking professor behind it.

"Ah, there you are," she said, her eyes more stern than usual. "Mr. Black, come in and sit down please. Miss Hachette, I'll attend to you afterwards. If you would patiently wait outside."

I nodded, as there was no way I could feasibly object. Sirius shot me a fleeting glance and I returned a reassuring smile. I wanted to tease him about his sudden anxiety but Professor McGonagall whisked him away and I was alone.

The door closed and silence followed the sound of the knob locking into place. I leaned against the wall, eyes absentmindedly tracing the patterns of the rug on the floor. I sucked in a breath and felt my mind wander far from the corridor.

Kenneth's eyes floated past my closed lids and I ushered the image away. It wasn't difficult to push him from my mind. Sirius, on the other hand, was as difficult as anything. He took grasp of my mind like a Sticking Charm and wouldn't let go for all of the world. That bloody stubborn dog.

I thought for a moment on Kenneth's question. Did I fancy Sirius? No, I'd told him right away. I don't know, I'd said after. Maybe, is what I had meant. Could he see it? I hoped he hadn't. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have explored the idea at all. That bugger.

What did fancying mean, anyways? It was far too silly a word for feelings that were far too complex to analyze in terms of a fancy. Fancying always seemed to trail the borders of physical appearance. Yes, I let myself admit, Sirius was attractive. Not that I'd ever dwelled on the thought, but sometimes he would shoot me a grin and I would stare in wonder at how he could possess such a handsome jaw. Honestly, how could a jaw be so attractive? It was perplexingly odd. But his was chiseled and defined, smooth and pristine, all the bones and structure visible beneath his skin when he was tense. And then there were his eyes, glassy grey orbs that had far too much sparkle when rules were broken. A sharp nose, thin lips, straight brows. And his casual air that topped it all off, making him completely and fully Sirius.

I scowled at the distracting presence of his appearance in my mind. Sure, he was good looking. Graceful, really, and even the thought of him proved to be, as he strode through my mind effortlessly. But beyond looks, beyond that strangely attractive jaw, Sirius was far more complex. So much so that I didn't even know how to approach the mere idea.

Sirius had had his fair share of girlfriends. It seemed as if he'd grown out of his poor habit of picking from the lot, though, as I couldn't remember a girl hanging on his arm over the last couple of months. Yes, there was one, a shy Hufflepuff girl that James had persuaded him into asking to Hogsmeade. It was mostly due to the fact that James had needed someone to ensure he did not terribly ruin his date with Lily, and I was otherwise unavailable and off with Kenneth somewhere. But that girl hadn't stuck around with Sirius for longer than that day.

What did I really know about fancying, anyhow? Before Kenneth, I'd had a few mild crushes, a few dates, a few meaningless snogs, all very inconsequential. None of it had seemed to maintain a very lasting effect on me.

I thought instead of how James had fawned over Lily since first year. The way she'd piqued his interests, held his attention for seven long years, until she finally gave in and allowed him a chance. She'd always been strikingly beautiful, even just at eleven. But that wasn't why James had taken such a liking to her, was it? Perhaps that had driven him initially, but looks couldn't possibly have held such a sincere interest for seven years. If that had been the case, he could have found another girl of adequate beauty and been perfectly content with her. Lily was pretty, of course, but realistically speaking, there were definitely girls just as attractive. But James had been adamant and relentless. He refused to back down, as much as it had visibly irritated Lily, until finally the mark of her nature had affected James and reworked the lining of his mind.

He'd changed for her, though subtly. It was him as he'd always been, but with an increase of responsibility that had come with adoration and maturity. That was the extent of his fancying.

So certainly that meant I couldn't possibly be interested in Sirius in that odd, obsessive way. I certainly had never changed for him.

But then I reminded myself that James hadn't really changed, either. He was still the same restless deviant, same air-headed Quidditch hero. He'd just learned how to control it.

There went that theory.

I drew a long breath and closed my eyes for the longest time, mind flitting from the miscellaneous thoughts of Sirius and James and Lily and Kenneth and even for some reason back to my parents, to myself as a child, to my old muggle school, to the playground and my muggle friends…

I stood there, swimming in my thoughts for what felt like forever, until the door swung open on strident hinges and launched me from my mind. I'd hardly realized how long it'd been until the piercing gaze of Sirius's eyes reformed in front of me, staring with a mingled curiosity and amusement.

"You there, Gracie?"

I blinked quickly, regathering my breath, and composed my face. "Oh, shut up," I said, but it did not contain his mirth. "How'd it go?"

He gave a little shrug. "You can be the judge." He beckoned me through the door emphatically, grinning wildly. "Go ahead. Enjoy yourself."

I rolled my eyes, making sure to give him a much deserved shove. "This is supposed to be a serious discussion, Mr. Black, and I would implore you to take it very seriously."

"As seriously as I can," he replied with a tactful wink.

I smiled, shaking my head dismissively, and turned from him into the room where Professor McGonagall was waiting patiently. I took a seat before she could request I do so.

"Miss Hachette, I find this really tedious to go over again," she said, peering over her glasses to look at me. "So if you'd please briefly explain what happened two nights ago and you may happily be on your way."

I raised my eyebrows, straightening my back. "Then you won't have me sent to Azkaban for my supposed misconduct? No Dementor's kiss?"

McGongall's lips pressed firmly into a thin line and her eyes strained to maintain her sternness. My attempt at humor went unrewarded. "Unless your action deem themselves worthy, no. Get on with it then."

"I've heard Dementors can't hardly kiss at all, anyway," I commented quickly, dodging a harsh look, and dived into the explanation of what'd happened that night in the dark corridor. I kept mind to skip over the detail of our late night wandering, though it was obvious, but she paid no attention to it and instead focused her attention on the heart of the tale, Mary MacDonald's torturing. She didn't appear surprised, as if was no doubt the third time she'd been told, though she did appear to be just as disturbed as if it was fresh and raw in her mind. I finished swiftly by retelling seeing Sirius burning before me, and I paused at the pain of the memory, before recalling the searing feeling at my throat and descending into an empty blackness.

She was silent for a moment, processing, and nodded her head. "Very well. It seems as if your stories add up," McGonagall stated without further question. "Though I had no trouble believing it. How anyone could think a group of Gryffindors would ever attack each other in the middle of the night." She shook her head, sighing, and went on. "I'll let Professor Dumbledore know and the situation with Avery and Mulciber will be determined shortly. You may be on your way now."

I beamed, rising from my seat. "Thank you, Professor! You always were my favorite, you know."

She allowed something of a smile to pass her lips and she ushered me out with a wave of her hands. "Go on, Hachette."

I thanked her and skipped happily from the office, a thousand ton weight lifted from my chest. The effect was immediate and I was overflowing with bliss. Sirius was suddenly there, and I felt an electric current pulse from my fingertips. "Oh, you waited!"

"Mhm," he mumbled, raising his eyebrows at my skip. "How was it then?"

"Fantastic!" I was inexplicably joyful and ran to him, jumping in his arms with an uncontrollable, gleeful giggle. I felt like such a child but McGonagall's clearance had given me such a light and elated feeling that I was unable to restrain it.

He caught me easily, laughing at my lack of composure, and spun me around for a moment before lacing an arm over my shoulders as we walked.

My heart raced with exhilaration and content at the feeling of his arm around me. No, it was the moment, not solely him. It was a surge of friendly happiness. Nothing more than that.

Oh, for Merlin's sake, what did it matter? It didn't, not at all. I was there with him, regardless of any fickle fancying. What mattered was that we were both okay, that everything was okay.

I felt like screaming. And so I did, loud and releasing into my pillow, sounding distinctly savage-like and wild.

Lily was giggling, seemingly unperturbed by my distress, instead stroking my head and sighing happily. "You really are overreacting, you know. It's a perfectly harmless thing."

I lifted my head from my pillow and breathed a sharp intake of air. "No! I can't! This is stupid! Ridiculous! Bullocks to it all!" I threw my pillow at the wall, wishing it might burst into flames or at least into a cloud of feathers. It did neither, falling instead at the head of my four-posted with a dull thud.

"Bullocks." She rolled her eyes, still giggling. "I can't believe I didn't see it either. It's so obvious, isn't it? That's why you were avoiding Kenneth! Oh, he must be a mess." She frowned suddenly at the mention.

"You think so? I tried letting him down gently," I said.

"Probably, but his pride's just been hurt. He'll recover eventually." She gave me a full smile and nudged my elbow. "So. Sirius." She waggled her eyebrows.

"Shh!" I waved her away frantically, turning in my bed as not to face her, and she climbed back over to me, hugging me around the neck.

"Come on, you admitted it for a fraction of a second and then you took it back as fast as it came."

I met her gaze daringly.

"You're nuts over him, Gracie. No use denying it." She dropped her arms and moved back from me, sizing up my reaction.

I pressed my lips together. "Well, what if I do? Won't that be awkward?"

She shrugged. "No. He doesn't even have to know."

I let that thought sink in. Right, that was the most intelligent approach, of course it was. It was a little one-sided infatuation of utterly no consequence.

"Though, I think you should tell him."

I turned and stared at her as if she was growing an ear between her eyes.

"Gracie! You're just going to sit here, madly in love with him, and not say anything about it at all? Ever?"

I growled. "I am not madly in love… I tell you one thing, and there you go, leaping to conclusions…"

"But, still! This isn't just nothing, Gracie." She stared at me seriously.

"It could ruin everything, Lily!" I threw my head backwards onto my pillow and loud, continuous guttural groan. "Nooooooooooooo…"

"Gracie, you are so melodramatic. You act as if this is the apocalypse."

I refused to listen and stuffed my face back into the pillow, the long "nooo" muffled and sounding more like a whale call.

I heard one of the other girls in the dorm enter and Lily nudged me to shut up, but I couldn't.

"She failed a Potion exam," she said lamely, patting my head.

I drew the sound out as long as I could until my lungs were so dry I couldn't handle it. I rolled over and stared blankly at the ceiling.

I couldn't believe I'd admitted it. This was so wrong.

A/N: All right, forget whatever "pattern" I thought I had down, I'm obviously incapable of being consistent. Apologies for a late-ish update, but I hope this was satisfying enough! I've been working on a couple of other things, including a Sirius/Lily series of one-shots, so I've been writing nonstop and the whole Sirius/Lily thing is confusing me with this one. Teehee, but no worries. And yes, KENNETH IS FINALLY GONE! Well, for the most part. Thanks very much for reading and a BIG thank you to everyone for the amount of favorites and alerting; the happiness it brings to me is overwhelming. And of course, and even bigger thank you to those who have reviewed. Can't thank you all enough!