Apparently I'm supposed to just accept what I'm told and be okay with it. No one answers anymore questions, no matter how often I ask and in the end I settle for silence. Annie sits with me on the Everdeen's porch in-between meal times and the only time we move from there is to use the bathroom or wash. I don't enjoy having to be helped to do such simple things but I can't breathe comfortably at the moment, let alone hold my own weight.
I wonder what happens next. Do I go back? I don't see how I'm supposed to, I can't walk and my father certainly isn't going to help me wash when I need to. I'd be of absolutely no use to him as I am which leads me to believe he'd finish the job rather than carry the dead weight I'm going to be for the next few months.
I can't very well stay here. I'll be grateful for their help and hospitality until I can repay it twice over but that doesn't change the fact that they're strangers. No matter what Haymitch says. I could go to Aunt Effie, she'd understand, she'd help. I could be happy with her and Cato I think but could they be happy with me? No, it won't do, no matter where I go I'd be putting those who helped me in danger and I'd take this beating again before letting that happen.
"Madge?" Annie interrupts my thoughts "are you alright?"
"Fine"
"Are you in pain? You're crying" huh, I didn't even notice. Though, now it's been pointed out my face is stinging. I can't usually feel much of anything on my face, I know it's swollen because I can see my cheeks protruding and my lips get in the way when I speak but I haven't felt anything more than throbbing as of yet
"Could I maybe have a bowl of water to wash my face? It's stinging a bit"
"Of course, I'll be right back" she returns from inside with a basin of clear water, a sponge, a cloth and a box tucked under her arm. She sets the basin on a small round table between us and drapes the cloth over her shoulder "I thought I'd comb and plait your hair too, to keep it out of your eyes" she says lifting the lid of the box and taking out a fine toothed comb. Inside the lid of the box is a mirror and it brings on a fresh wave of tears
"I had no idea" I watch myself as I speak, amazed it's intelligible. My lips are the worst of the whole mess that doesn't even look human anymore. They're puffy and uneven, the upper split up to my nostril. There's stitches across my hairline that I didn't even know I had and a much smaller set through my left eyebrow. My cheeks are indeed swollen and pink but not enough to adhere my sight, which thankfully seems to be alright. The left eye is horribly bloodshot with a burst blood vessel but no permanent damage
"Hmm?"
"I had no idea how awful I look. I can't feel any of it"
"It will all heal in time" Annie tells me soothingly, dragging the comb over my head. I snort
"Not all of it" I mumble. It's not vanity, of course I don't want to look like this but it's the reminder. Walking around – or not walking around in my case – with it on my face. The worst thing about myself plastered quite obviously across my face for everyone to ogle at "besides, by the time I get rid of one another takes its place"
"Not anymore Madge. You'll never go back there"
"Of course I will. Where else am I going to go? As soon as I can walk without this thing I'll go back and sooner the better"
"Madge" Annie shakes her head frowning
"The longer I'm here the more dangerous it is for you all. I'm older now I can handle it better. Before long he'll marry me off and it'll be over"
"I thought you were smart" Annie scowls at me as she ties the end of my plaited hair off "you'll die next time, your body can't handle another trauma like this"
"My father didn't do this" I remind her
"What's to say he won't let that man at you again? What's to say he doesn't let others do it? What's to say it doesn't get worse, that next time there is other damage?" she says with a meaningful glance at my crotch "that no one finds you and you bleed out on the floor" I look away from her. I know she's right and I know I sound stupid but she doesn't seem to realize for me, there's no other choice. Maybe if she knew what happened to Mr. Cartwright she wouldn't be so vocal "not like it matters. We'd never let you go back"
"Are you going to hold me captive?" I bite back "keep me here by force?" Annie focuses on dipping the sponge in to the water at her side "I thought not"
"The people here care about you Madge"
"They're strangers" I retort "I'm grateful for all that you've done and I'll find a way to repay your kindness but you don't know me and I don't know you"
"That's not true" Annie says dismissive "you heard what Haymitch said"
"I don't have any family, just my aunt and cousin" Annie raises an eyebrow at me and I see the beginnings of a smirk
"Family isn't always blood Madge. Hold still" I expect to wince when she lifts the sponge to my face but don't feel anything. I'm not even sure of the waters temperature
"I'm sorry I've been rude. I'm not exactly in a great mind space right now"
"No need to apologies. It's nice to see you've got an attitude and a bit of fire in there. Most don't after living the way you have for so long"
"What d'you mean?"
"Let's just say you're not the only one Haymitch has taken in who had nowhere else to go"
"Is that why the girls work for him? Because they have no other choice?"
"No. Haymitch is much more morale than he'd have anyone believe. Johanna's been with him longest and she insists on it"
"Insists?" Annie grimaces
"She calls it 'earning her keep' but Haymitch doesn't make anyone do anything. We're happy here, all of us and we wouldn't be if it weren't for him"
"So Johanna is a-?" Annie smiles and nods
"Yes. Johanna is a dancing girl, so are Cashmere, Glimmer, Clove and Bristel. Though they call themselves cats"
"Not Levy?"
"No Levy is Bristel's younger sister. She dances and sings in the saloon like me but we don't entertain in other ways"
"What about the men? Finnick and Gloss and Thom?"
"Finnick and Thom run the bar. Gloss and sometimes Thresh take care of the rowdier customers, usually it's travelers from out of town who get too drunk or won't take no for an answer"
"What about the Hawthorne's and the Everdeen's? I got the impression yesterday that Hazelle doesn't approve of Haymitch's business" Annie laughs
"She doesn't, to an extent. She was furious at Gale when he sold the land to Haymitch but after meeting us and gaining a better understanding of how Haymitch runs things she's not so bad. Yesterday was the first time she's let her children anywhere near the building though. Evelyn isn't as … with it. Katniss says she hasn't been right since her husband died, understandably. She sometimes comes in to speak with Haymitch but doesn't have to worry about her girls coming in. Katniss is slightly terrified of the place and keeps Prim and Rue away"
"Why was Johanna so angry about me being here?" Annie's lips quirk up in amusement
"I'm sure she thinks she's justified but Johanna just likes to be angry. I think she might have been a little jealous but that seems to have changed"
"She wasn't as mean when she saw how pathetically tragic I was" I point out
"Well, yes" Annie agrees sympathetically "she's got some maternal protectiveness over the boys and I think seeing them all worry about you made her jealous"
"She was jealous of Haymitch?" I ask, my tone full of sarcasm
"Very, she was about your age when he took her in and she's always babied Gale, much to his chagrin. That bothered her most I expect, it took her a year to relinquish Finnick to me" she giggles
"So it was Gale who decided I would stay?"
"It wasn't up for debate anyway but it was him who shut Johanna up, yes" Annie wrings out the sponge, the water tinted the slightest bit pink with blood and tosses the water over the railing at the side of the house
"What would you do, if you were me?"
"If I were you I'd go back to that god forsaken house because I was worried what might happen to those who tried to help. If I was me in your position I'd accept the help that was offered to me. He's only as powerful as you let him be Madge"
"I think, if I could find a way to keep it away from him I would ask my aunt for help"
"You're not an 'I' anymore Madge. You're part of a 'we'. And we look after our own".