I sit at the back of the saloon, my back to the outside kitchen door and the cushion from my chair behind my head. I write out my favourite pieces of music, pushing past the horrid cramping in my fingers as long as possible. Eventually I give up and begin peeling the paint from the porch railing next to me. I'm finding the task immensely satisfying and gaining some precision with my fingertips when voices begin to emanate from next door
"If she doesn't get out of that chair soon, she never will" it's Gale and he's furious
"We can't push her" Haymitch argues "she's still swollen, still got healing to do"
"You're not her guardian, you can't decide these things for her" ironic, I snort, this feels like a conversation I shouldn't have been excluded from
"Watch yourself boy, you're lucky I'm even letting you around her" Haymitch warns
"He's not wrong Haymitch" Evelyn intervenes "she should be walking by now"
"You said there was no way of knowing" Haymitch throws back accusingly
"Knowing for sure, but based on her progress elsewhere, she needs to get out of the chair, and she needs to want to"
"That's it" Gale fumes "I'm taking over"
There's nowhere to hide, no time to get back to my chair, in the end I don't even try to seem busy. gale emerges from the back door as if on a mission but the determination seeps from his body rather quickly once he spots me at the edge of the porch
"Busted" I half smile and he drops his head as if ashamed "I was eavesdropping"
"I don't think it counts as eavesdropping if you're the topic of conversation and it's not like you had a choice" he gestures to my chair parked beside me
"Either way" I shrug
"You need to come with me" he says suddenly "if you're willing"
"Where?"
"Not far but I'm going to need a little trust".
I watch him hitch up the waggon with blankets and what could be mistaken for a picnic, with kettles of both coffee and cocoa. Then it's my turn and he lifts me onto the front of the waggon before bundling my chair into the back.
"Where are you taking me?" I ask
"I'm not telling you. You'll jump from the waggon"
"Not a chance, I could seriously hurt myself, end up in a wheel chair" he throws me a look one might give to a misbehaving child before smiling
"At least you aren't moping anymore".
Gale climbs onto the waggon and we set off away from town and towards the mountains. There is terribly awkward silence for the first few minutes, I'm struggling for something to say when Gale puts me out of my misery
"I'm glad you started reading for me again" he tells me
"So am I, I've always liked reading, never out loud though"
"Does it make you uncomfortable?"
"No" I tell him truthfully "well, maybe at first but not anymore. I've never read books like the ones you have"
"They're inspired by myths and folk legends from all around the world. My great grandfather was a traveller and everywhere he went he'd try and collect a story, some of them are handwritten in his old journals. When we finish the bookcase, I'll get them from storage so we can read those too"
"That sounds brilliant, I had no idea there was such a great story behind the stories" he smiles at me then like I haven't seen anyone smile before. For a moment I think it could be how a man looks at the woman he loves but that doesn't last and we fall back in to a more comfortable silence.
After a short time the wilderness opens up to a lake, there are hundreds of small bodies of water in these mountains and all of them lovely but I can't imagine any of them looking more inviting than this one
"Can you swim?" Gale asks mischievously and my brain goes to mush
"I- yes- I mean- no I don't have a change of clothes- and I can't ...walk"
"Yet" he grins "that's why we're here"
"I don't like this idea"
"And I can't stand the idea of you being stuck in that chair without knowing we did everything we could" his admission takes me by surprise as does his next move "you have had so much taken from you in such a short life" he begins, kneeling before my chair "I couldn't live with myself if I didn't help you try and take some of it back" I nod, dumbfounded and distracted by the melting sensation in my chest and gut
"Okay, you better not let me drown" I warn.
The moment I realise I'm going to have to undress to my under garments I begin to panic. I can't possibly, not in front of Gale and not in general. When I realise he'll have to help me undress I'm ready to wheel myself the whole way back
"I appreciate I could have planned this better" he interrupts my internal hell "how can I help?"
"I have to undress" I deadpan
"Yes, sorry, I'll give you some privacy"
"Gale" I call after him "I can't undress myself" I can feel the heat draining from my face as his turns beet red
"Right, yeah, I can help. It'll be fine"
He spends an eternity circling me as if trying to work out where to start before I can't take it anymore
"If you unlace the back we should be able to lift if over my head. I just can't lift my arms too high"
"Of course, yeah, no problem" he stammers, I can feel his fingers trembling as he unties the bow at my neck and loosens the fastenings enough that it can be taken off "Ready? Tell me if it hurts" I nod and he takes hold of my skirts. I hold my breath as he pulls them up and over my head and don't let it out again until he returns to eye level and fixes my hair with his fingertips "you ready?"
"Don't let me drown" I tell him again and he laughs
"Come on, arms around my neck" I steal glances at the side of his face as he carries me. I can't make sense of our budding friendship. He's protective like Rye and understands how to navigate my emotions like Peeta and knows my humour like Cato but none of them are so tentative to me, none of them have taken me for picnics or asked me to read for them, or taken me to a lake in the mountains and undressed me. None of them have moved me with their words or spoken to me and about me so intensely. None of them have ever made me want love or resent the fact I'll never have it.
"Oh that's chilly" Gale laughs as his feet are submerged
"Great a cold is all I need right now" I joke as he wades further into the water. When it reaches his hips I can feel it lapping up at me and I cling tighter to him instinctively
"You ready, I'm not going to let go but try and float" I nod and wince as he lowers me into the lakes icy clutches
"It's not so bad" I comment "maybe that's because I don't have full feeling"
"Lay back" Gale commands as if I hadn't spoken "it'll be hard to balance yourself out but I'll hold you until you do" He's right and it's harder than I remember because I'm not able to manoeuvre myself the way I'd like but with Gale propping me up at my back and thighs I manage "now try to lean forward and plant your feet"
"Gale I can't stand"
"I've got you, just try, the water will take all your weight" I do as he says, my body not cooperating fully and he has to catch me under my arms, but then I feel the lake bed between my toes.
Evelyn has been prodding and tickling my feet with feathers and cool objects for a while but this was an entirely different way of feeling. Weightless yet heavy and strange but familiar. I daren't move but suddenly realise I am indeed standing upright and burst into fits of gleeful laughter and Gale is beaming at me. The laughter disrupts my equilibrium and Gale catches me before I fall face down into the water
"I knew you'd do it"
"Thank you" I mumble into the wet fabric of his shirt "for caring enough to bring me out here"
"I knew you could do it" he repeats, his eyes boring into me "we'll come back, every day if that's what it takes"
"You're too busy" I argue but know it's futile
"We'll come back every day" he quiets me and for a moment I think he might lean down, close the small space between us and touch his lips to mine, but he doesn't. "Let's get back, don't want you getting sick".
We share cocoa from the same cup and cold apple pie on the ride back and when he leaves me to return the horses to the stable, he thanks me for a nice day. I feel a sense of emptiness, an unease, like the night is incomplete as he walks away, leaving me with Annie and Finnick.
"How was it?" Annie smiles, embracing me
"Cold" I laugh, the eldest Hawthorne pushed from the forefront of my mind.