Part 24: Sealing
A/N: Dear readers, as promised I did not make you wait as long for this chapter. I hope it makes up for all the sadness and tragedy I make Kagura go through. This chapter will be a major step towards the end of the fic. Happy reading!
Thank you for reviewing:
IMoveTheStars4No1
ayingChan
AmorPorSiempre
Little25victor
Kagura's #1 fan (So sorry to have caused you pain, but it was necessary. When it comes to Sesshy and Kagura, this chapter will feature them heavily)
Disclaimer: No matter how much I wish for it, I unfortunately own nothing except my plot, and a few OC's here and there.
I don't know how long I stayed in bed, unmoving. I felt completely numb. I had spied through the curtains the sun go up and down a few times, and Kagome had come to force more food down my throat, but I had lost all notion of time.
The sun had gone down again, and I was lying down with the covers over my head. I heard the door open, and heaved a sigh.
"Kagome, I really don't want anymore food right now." The sandwich she had forced me to eat earlier was still lodged in my throat. The thought of eating more made me nauseous.
I was startled when the covers were suddenly tugged away from me. I sat up, ready to curse at whoever had dared to disturb my peace like this. All words died in my throat. My visitor was the last person I expected to see.
"Get up wind witch! Time to face the world."
"What do you want?" I sneered. Once upon a time, I had been keen on the woman liking me, but right about now, I could care less about what she thought about me.
Sakura Tashio sent me a glare sharp enough to cut glass. Had I been able to care enough, I would have been scared.
"How much longer do you intend to stay hidden?"
"I'll stay here as long as I want to." I grabbed the blanket, and placed it back over my head. I wanted my protective cocoon back. I hoped now that the woman would go away, and leave me alone.
Of course, just like her son, Sakura was a stubborn bitch, and would not be deterred once she had an objective in mind. This time around she did not just remove the blanket from me, but rolled it in a ball and threw it away for good measure.
"You reek and are an eyesore." She lifted the corner of her mouth in pure disgust. "Get up, now!"
"Fuck you!"
I just lost my mother in a horrific way, so how dare she talk to me about hygiene standards! In truth, I realized I must be stinking quite badly; after all, I had stayed in bed for who knew how many days without bothering to shower nor brush my teeth. Even though I acted like I did not care, I hated that the woman got to see me in such a low state. Still my embarrassment was not enough to make me get out of that bed.
"Charming as always." She sneered. "I have no intention of spending the whole day here, so go ahead and get up."
"Why do you care?" I asked her. Frankly I had no idea why she was even here to begin with.
"I could care less about you, I am doing this for my son." She glided to the window and opened it wide, letting freezing cold air in. A gust of wind rushed towards me and wrapped me in its comforting embrace. I steeled myself against it. I did not deserve to be comforted right about now. Not after what happened to mom.
"Fresh air! Much better." She murmured to herself before going around the room to open two more windows. She then turned around to walk back to my bedside. "Now go on and take a shower while I strive to find something suitable in your wardrobe for you to wear."
"Get out of here." I snapped. "What kind of cold unfeeling monster are you, that you would bother someone who just suffered such a great loss?!" I did not think I needed to remind her that I just lost my mom, but frankly she did not seem like she actually cared.
"Naraku killed the father of my son too." She reminded me, her face as cold and unfeeling as if it was carved from ice. "I saw Sesshoumaru earlier. He feels terrible. He could not take revenge for the murder of his own father… yet, and now he could not protect your mother..."
"My mother was just murdered, so I'm sorry I'm too busy grieving to actually feel bad for your son."
My statement seemed to finally break her veneer of calm, and her true face came forward.
"You call this grieving? Curled up pathetically in your bed? Is this how you honor your mother's memory? Do you think seeing you mopping pathetically would make your mother happy? She would be ashamed of you. I know I would in her place."
"Shut up!" I shouted. How dare she talk about mother?! She did not know her, and had never even met her. Even as I screamed, in my mind I felt a pinch in my heart. Despite all the horrors she had lived through, she had never given up. Never had she locked herself in her room away from the world. Despite her pain and suffering, she had always made sure to keep a smile, an embrace or some sort of support for me. Was Sakura right? Was I failing mother's memory by shutting myself away? The pit in my stomach now weighed a ton. The feeling of embarrassment I had experienced when Sakura had come upon me grew to an unbearable level. I felt sickened by my own behavior. As much as I hated to admit it, Sakura was right. Mom would be so disappointed if she saw me now.
"Your mother may be gone, but you can avenge her." Sakura's words took me out of my introspection. I looked up at her, and noticed she seemed to struggle to school her features into something less vicious. "In just a few days, Sesshoumaru is facing the fight of his life… sadly, all he thinks about right now is you. Instead of properly training and devising a battle plan, he just broods, waiting for you to decide to re-enter the world of the living."
She twisted her mouth into a sneer, probably a pathetic attempt at a smile.
"I understand why you are shutting Sesshoumaru away." Her voice suddenly became syrupy sweet. "You are angry, and you wish to punish him because you are hurting," She leaned forward, putting her face inches away from mine.
"We both know the truth." She continued on her fake nice tone. "The person you are really angry about is your own self. If you truly wanted to ensure your mother's safety, you could have gone to her and kept her safe yourself. Instead you stayed by Sesshoumaru's side, flaunting your relationship in Naraku's face. Enraging that cursed spider. He was bound to take action. If anyone is to blame, it is you."
My heart sunk. Any fiery retort I would have usually thrown her way died in my throat. She was right. This was my entire fault. How could I have ever thought to take on the hanyou head-on and not have my heart broken in the process? For years he had warned me that he would kill mother if I dared oppose him. I did, and he called my bluff. Mom died because of me. Sesshoumaru had nothing to do with it; lashing out at him as I did earlier was not only useless, but also unfair. I was the one to blame, no one else.
"You've gone too far!" Like an avenging angel, Kagome came storming in the room. "She's gone through too much, let her be."
"Fine, cuddle her all you want." Sakura hissed angrily. "She may have caused her mother's death, but I will be damned if she brings down my son too."
By the time Sakura marched out of the room, I was shaking. Kagome encircled my shoulders with her arm.
"Come on, I'll run you a bath; it will make you feel better."
As if I were one of her kids, Kagome took me to the adjacent bathroom, and helped me undress and climb into a steaming hot bath. I instantly felt soothed. It reminded me of how she had taken care of me the night I had come home covered in blood after accidentally killing Hakudoushi.
Quietly, she took down my hair, washed it and rinsed in until it gained back its usual shine. She gently pampered me, and I let her. I knew I did no deserve it, but I let her. I selfishly sought some comfort from someone who actually cared about me. After my altercation with Sakura, all the fight had gone out of me, and I felt like a deflated balloon. I could definitely use some pampering.
Kagome worked in silence, and it was only once I was all scrubbed and cleaned that she spoke.
"Kagura, you're the strongest woman I know. You survived pain and suffering I cannot even imagine." Her fingers traced down my heavily scarred lower back. "Don't give up now or he wins." She did not have to name 'he', I knew who she was talking about. "The one thing he wants above all is to destroy you, and you are letting him."
Like an arrow to the heart, her words hit me as true as Sakura's had. The one thing Naraku wanted was to see me in pain. Keeping myself separate from the man I loved, and blaming him for mother's dead was akin to playing right into Naraku's hand. Kagome was right; I was inadvertently letting the horrible hanyou hurt me once again… No more. No way was I going to let him get the best of me once again.
"Now come on, let's get you dressed. Then I think it's time for more food." Her usual bright smile was back in place.
"No need, I'm okay. I think I can take it from here." I assured her. Enough of being treated like a big baby.
Kagome did not seem to be offended, in fact her smile brightened further. She was so bright it was like looking at the damn sun. I wrapped myself in a fluffy robe, reveling in its soft comfort.
"Thanks Kagome. You're a good friend."
She pouted. "Friend? I think of you more as a sister, but I guess friend will do."
I snorted, this was the closest I had come to laughing in what felt like forever.
"Anyways, I'll just be in the nursery with Izayoi, let me know if you need anything else."
With a final wave, she exited the bathroom. I sighed heavily; she was leaving me alone to my thoughts, an unpleasant occurrence, but one I had to deal with. As hateful as Sakura's words were, they were tainted in truth: the time for hiding was over.
One last steadying breath was all the delay I gave myself before I pushed open the door to Sesshoumaru's study. The last time I had been here, the room had been set up as a base of operation in the search and rescue mission aimed at getting my mom back home safely. This time around it had been transformed in a makeshift bedroom. Pillows, throw blankets and change of clothes were covering the large couch. Guess I now had my answer to where Sesshoumaru had been sleeping since I had kicked him out of our bedroom. Talking about him, he was sitting at his desk, his eyes glued on his computer screen.
Despite the new room set up, I could tell he had not slept in days. He looked exhausted. He, who was always so well groomed was now sporting some silver stubble on his cheeks, and was wearing rumpled clothes. It was the first time I had ever seen him look so disheveled.
"Your mother stopped by." That was the best icebreaker I could think of on the fly. After all I had said to him, and all the time that had gone by, I felt awkward. My heart was beating loudly after just a glance at him. After all the horrible things I had said to him, and the fact that I had attacked him, I did not know how he would welcome me.
"So I heard. Unfortunately this Sesshoumaru had stepped out, or I would have prevented her from bothering you." He rolled back form his desk, and looked up at me. His reddened eyed made my heart clench.
"No big deal." I shrugged. There was no way I was going let him know how shaken I had been by my encounter with Sakura. It was because of her hurtful words that I had gotten out of my lethargic state. One glance at Sesshoumaru revealed that Sakura had been right to be worried. In his current sleep-deprived and heartbroken state, Naraku would destroy Sesshoumaru easily in combat. After losing mom in such a horrible way, the mere thought that my lover could be killed by Naraku too was enough to make me feel ill.
Sakura was right, it was time for me to face the truth.
I went to Sesshoumaru. Tentatively, I sat in his lap. He instantly locked his arms tightly around me, as if he feared I would change my mind and run away from him. Right about now, this was the only place I wanted to be. I placed my head on his shoulder, soaking in his strength and comfort.
"It was unfair to blame you." I pressed up my face against his and murmured against the skin of his neck. I was no inu youkai, but I could still smell the unique scent that was Sesshoumaru, and it was instantly comforting. "Naraku killed both my parents. All you ever did was try to help me." Apologizing had never come to me easy, but I had to try to give it my best shot.
"Ever since I found out about mom's death, I've been so full of anger and sadness. It is all I feel right now. If I let it go, it feels like I will let mom go at the same time. She was my reason for holding on for so long, and in some ways it feels like I have nothing left anymore."
He tightened his arms around me. I wondered if he was trying to offer me comfort, or trying to make sure I would not bolt. When he pressed a kiss to my wet hair, I figured it was the former.
"It took me a bit of time to realize that this is not true. Anger, grief and pain are not all I have left. I still have you and your whole family." I knew I would never forget the kindness Kagome had shown me, and how she had managed to prop me back up when I was falling. In her own twisted fucked up way, Sakura had also helped me get out of my self-imposed fog, but that did not mean I felt grateful to the spiteful bitch.
"You will always have me." He whispered by my ear. Loving warmth spread throughout my chest.
"I am sorry too." Apologizing did not usually come easy to him either, but the words had just rolled off his tongue. Obviously he was better at this than I was. "I promised to keep your mother safe, yet I failed."
I leaned back to stare up into his eyes. "Looking back, you did the best you could. Thanks to you I was able to see her one last time and spend time with her even if did not get to say goodbye." I managed, barely, to keep down my sob.
"I failed you, and I failed your mother." He shook his head. "I should not have provoked Naraku. This Sesshoumaru was too arrogant in thinking I would be able to fool the spider."
"You're not to blame, I am." This had all started with me after all. "I found out the Shikon Jewel and his secret, and fed information about him to his enemies. He wanted to hurt me in return, and that's why he kidnapped mom and hurt her..."
"Let us share the weight of guilt and let it not consume us." He stated, cutting off my explanation. Truer words had never been spoken.
"You're right. This won't bring mom back." I nodded. Nothing would. She was dead and gone, and I would never see her again. What broke my heart the most was that I did not get to tell her a proper goodbye. Instead of dying peacefully of old age surrounded by her loved ones, she had been mutilated and died alone in a hospital emergency room.
"I don't even know where her remains are." This was the last straw. Before I could hold myself back, I felt tears stream down my face. I cried for my poor beloved mother whose life had been ruined by a devious monster in search of power. I cried for the pain and suffering she had had to endure for years. I cried for myself and my broken heart riddled with guilt. Finally I cried for the man I loved who put so much credence on his ability to keep safe those under his protection, and who Naraku had managed to bring to his knees. Up until now I had been unable to shed a tear, but it seemed that now that I had started crying, I could not stop.
Sesshoumaru rubbed my back, but other than that did not speak a word. He knew I needed to let all my emotions out if I was to move forward.
"I'm sorry." I hiccupped after a long time, wiping the last of my tears and my runny nose with the sleeve of my shirt.
"You have no reason to apologize." Always my knight in shinning armor, he reached in one of his desk drawers for a wad of tissues. I gratefully took them. Both of my sleeves were already soaked.
"Would you like to organize a memorial service to honor your mother?" I was touched that he made just a suggestion. I may not have had a body to bury, but getting to say a proper farewell would help with my grieving process.
"Yes. I would love that." I pressed a quick kiss to his lips. We were going to be okay, now we just had to make sure we would remain alive.
The memorial ceremony had just ended, and I had done my best to keep my composure. The guests had moved on to the lunch served in the shrine's large hall, but I had asked to stay behind. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts for a bit of time. My eyes stayed stuck on the empty urn on the altar. Knowing that Naraku had mom's body cremated, and not having her ashes to display during her memorial ceremony broke my heart. Instantly I shed tears. Now that the floodgates were opened, I knew closing them would not be so easy. I had done my best to keep a placid look on my face during the ceremony, and afterwards while I received condolences and well wishes, but now that I was alone, I could finally let go.
I took long deep breaths to settle myself. I dried the last of my tears, and promised myself these would be the last time I shed tears because of Naraku. I did one last bow in front of mother's portrait, saluting her memory and begging her forgiveness one last time.
I had no idea where the hell Kagome had gotten her hands on such a beautiful picture of mom, but it pleased me. On the blown-up image, mom looked young and had a bright smile. She looked beautiful and happy. If only her life had truly matched with the expression she was sporting on her picture. Just as I felt tears well up in my eyes once again, I pushed my thoughts towards the family I still had: the Tashios and the Higurashis.
Kagome, my human would be sister in-law had done a terrific job organizing the ceremony. From the moment I had spoken my intention to hold a memorial service for mom, Kagome had volunteered to oversee the preparations. Her own mother had graciously offered to host the ceremony at the shrine, and old man Higurashi had overseen the ceremony himself.
The Tashio clan had also showed up in full force, their faces somber, and dressed in all black. I had expected Sesshoumaru and his brother to be there, but I had been pleasantly surprised to see the rest of the clan. Rin, Shippou and Izayoi were there as well, closely watched by a surprisingly sullen looking Jaken and an attentive Sango. Her boyfriend Miroku had also insisted on being here. He had been released from the hospital just the day before, and still wore a bandage covering half of his face. A constant reminder of how he had almost lost his life too. The one unexpected guest had been Sakura Tashio. When she had strolled in the shrine's reception hall, wearing a massive black kimono I was shocked.
"Glad to see you decided to join the world of the living after all." She had whispered to me as soon as she had been close enough to speak to me without her son overhearing. I understood her vicious verbal attack. She was a mother who cared about her son above all else, but that did not mean I forgot nor forgave the horrible words she had spoken to me only two days ago.
"If you wish we can go home now." A voice said, breaking me out of my recollections.
I turned around and saw Sesshoumaru walking towards me. He too was dressed in traditional black garb.
"You do not have to stay for the meal." He tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear. "If you so desire, this Sesshoumaru will take you home."
I smiled. He probably was worried I was not up to siting down and sharing lunch with our friends and family.
"Don't worry. I'm okay. They came all the way to pay their respects. Sharing a meal with them is the least I can do." Even if I had yet to regain my appetite, I had become adept at pretending to eat. Such subterfuges were necessary or everyone around me worried way too much.
He leaned forward and gently traced a finger along the bags under my eyes. Just because he and I had reconciled and resumed sharing a bed, I still had trouble sleeping. Not even Sesshoumaru's loving presence was enough to bring me peace.
"This is the last time Naraku will ever give reason to cry to a loved one of this Sesshoumaru."
He was right. It was high time to put an end to Naraku, once and for all. The thought of Sesshoumaru facing the hanyou still terrified a part of me. I knew what Naraku was capable of, and the idea of losing the man I loved to him would be my undoing. If only there was something I could do to encourage more favorable outcomes.
An idea suddenly popped in my head, and I spoke it immediately.
"Sesshoumaru, we need to adapt your training. I know all that there is to know about that cursed hanyou, and I intend to make full use of it."
No more crying. It was time for action.
To be continued…
A/N: Sesshoumaru and Kagura made up, and their love seems stronger than ever as they are both sharing a similar goal: kill Naraku. In the next one, it's time for action. The chapter will be named Battle Cry.