Chapter Thirty-One

Stay With Me

Two days later, Peter was found.

He arrived at James's doorstep completely out of the blue, famished and pale and disoriented to the furthest degree. James had taken him in frantically, asking him what happened, how he'd returned, how he was feeling, but before Peter could produce any sort of answer, he'd fainted on the spot.

Several Order members were called to James's house after that, and it was figured that when Peter recovered enough, he'd be able to share something that might prove to be valuable information.

Well, that conclusion proved itself to be one-hundred percent wrong.

When he woke up and managed to scarf down some ration of food, he announced, somewhat bashfully, that he didn't really know much of what happened at all.

Months continued to pass, because that was the only things months really ever did. Things got better, and Peter warmed back into the routine of things, no longer flinching any time someone wielding a wand walked past him. (This was likely due in part to Mad-Eye's scolding; very frequently I heard him reminding Peter that the phrase was "constant vigilance," not "constant cowardice.") James and Sirius had resumed their normal school-boy days, and apparently - though no one would fill me in - they were both sharing a very big secret. I would hear them talking about it: "You got hurt just so you wouldn't have to follow through with our plan, didn't you?" "Mate, you and I both know you weren't ready anyways." I was dumber than Merlin's left shoe to ever think they'd actually tell me about their secret. Remus was working at a café in Downtown Muggle London, which was due in part to Lily's masterful flirting with the manager and also of course in part to Remus's natural charm. I was forbidden to say anything about the part with Lily to anyone, though. Especially tossers named James Potter.

I, on the other hand, was somewhere in between, juggling insignificant Prophet work with rather significant Order work, while managing to survive the wrath of Loraine and Lily and the rib-crushing oxygen stealing bear hugs of Sirius all at the same time. That might sound rather bothersome, but in actuality, I couldn't remember ever living so fully in my life.

At times I was convinced that I was living in a dream; they were the moments that Sirius and I ran in circles around the kitchen laughing or the moments that Sirius would fall asleep mid-sentence with his head in my lap that I would just stop and ask myself, when did all of this happen?

And it was a funny sort of question, because along the way the lines had melded together, making it seem like this, us, was all I'd ever known.

Sirius fell beside me on the sofa, stumbling clumsily over the arm and nose-diving on top of me. I groaned and shoved him off, receiving an innocent glance in return. "Woops. Didn't see you there, love."

"Sure you didn't. You were just looking for an excuse to smother me."

He said nothing in reply, only winked and nestled himself in the spot beside me before burying his face in the paper he'd been holding in his hands. The title was loud with black letters: TERROR CONTINUES, COMMUNITY IN PANIC.

I sighed. "Sirius. I thought we banned the Prophet on the weekdays."

He lowered the paper so only a glimmer of his eyes was visible. "No we didn't," he said quickly. Guiltily.

"Yes, we did. Give me it."

"But I paid 2 sickles for this!"

"You can have it on Saturday."

"Gracieee, I just want to look.."

"Sirius! Give it here!"

I moved swiftly to grab it, but he waved it high above his head and laughed maniacally while I climbed on top of him to reach the paper. I tickled his sides in an attempt to get him to lower his arms, but he just writhed and squirmed and managed to keep me down with his free hand until I was breathless and edging on surrender.

In desperate retaliation, I jumped up again and flung my arms about wildly to grasp the paper.

"Mmf! Graeffie, ror suffocatimf mm—" he protested, words muffled by my shirt.

"What was that? Can't hear you," I teased gleefully, managing to catch a corner of the newspaper. I was reigning in victory when suddenly I let out a loud shriek and collapsed back onto the sofa. "Sirius! Did you just bite me?"

He smiled smugly, momentarily fixing his hair and hugged the paper tight in his arms. "I don't know what you're talking about."

I raised my shirt slightly, exposing a set of pink teeth marks across my skin. "Look! You animal!"

"It wasn't that hard."

I gave him a long stare.

"Oh, fine." He bent down and quickly kissed the fading marks. "Sorry, Gracie."

I laughed, catching my mouth with his in a kiss as he sat up. I ran my fingers along his neck and down his jaw, and then met his gaze. "Why do you have to read that stupid paper, anyways?"

"You work for that stupid paper, you know, I don't see why you're so against it—"

"I'm not against it." I dropped my hands, falling back into the sofa. "I just don't think it's worth depressing yourself over because I know just what you're going to read first."

"But I wanted to read the comics." He grinned childishly.

"Oh, right."

He'd meant the missing persons column, more like. He read it almost every day, searching the ever-growing list of names for someone he or I knew. There were several people we'd known of from school that appeared on the lists, but after a while, we'd both agreed that checking it every day was just too disheartening.

Of course, I couldn't really blame him for his intense desire to know. But still. There needed to be limits.

I avoided it as much as I could at work. I didn't work in that department, thankfully, so it wasn't too difficult to avoid the more serious topics of late. I worked more with the nonsensical stories, like the ones about old ladies not knowing their husbands were actually just very intelligent house pets.

Speaking of which, Sirius did happen to transform into a dog...

There was a loud rap on the window that woke me from my thoughts and I looked to it at once. "That's not another paper, is it?"

He frowned. "No, this is today's paper." He waved it at me in proof.

I stared at him, but neither of us made a move to get up. After a while, I let out a weary exhale (which Sirius made a face at) and moved towards the window. "If this letter isn't for me, I'm going to hex your foot." He responded by saying I couldn't catch him if I tried. I unlatched the letter from the owl's out-stretched leg, and then it was gone, just a mousy brown speck in the sky. I peered down at the letter. "Merlin. It's for you, Sirius. Looks like you just lost a foot."

"I'm busy!" he cried immaturely, falling back on the sofa with the Prophet over his face. I seriously doubted he could read it that way...

"Fine," I mumbled. "I'll just read your letter and pointedly invade your privacy."

"Be my guest."

"I will, thank you."

"You're very welcome."

I unfolded the letter from its envelope, making a self-righteous "hmph" sound as I did so. The script was long and ornate, letters curling into and around each other in pretty patterns. At that point, I felt a pang that told me quite clearly that I should not have been reading Sirius's letter, but I disregarded it. My mistake.

My Dearest Cousin Sirius,

It's been far too long since we've last spoken and I very much hope that you have been well. I meant to send you a gift upon your graduation, but I couldn't think of anything to send you for the life of me. Ted's struggling with jobs lately, as am I, so there's not much money to go around. I hope that you'll forgive me for that...

That's not what I'm writing to you about, however, and I apologize for not writing under better circumstances. It's just that I believe this news necessary to be shared with you, and the other members of our family are not very likely to do so, despite however important it may be to you.

You see, Sirius, it's about Regulus...

The letter continued on from there, and when I had finished reading the rest, I felt my face drain of color. I wasn't sure just what expression to make, or even how to tell Sirius of what I'd read. It suddenly became painstakingly obvious that I shouldn't have read it, however much in jest it might have originally been. And there was a wisp of a memory from seventh year that drifted back to me, two pairs of light grey eyes that pierced through the dark...

When I met Sirius's eyes, those eyes with almost all the same lights, I found in them an equivalent expression, one of calculating decision and stark white features. Like we were thinking the same thing.

"You, ah—" I passed the letter to him. "You'll want to read this for yourself."

He pressed his lips together into a firm line, and passed me the paper. "You'll want to read this as well, I think."

We passed the next moments in silence, a silence that was so daunting it was nearly uncomfortable. I found the section of the paper he mentioned, where the list of missing people drawled on, accompanied by information and small photographs of the missing men and women smiling, laughing, living...

I skimmed through the names: Melania Foster, Albert MacRory, Viola Fortecuen, Gytha Bonham, Daniel Frobisher, Grogan Matlock, Delia Punnet, Kenneth Howell...

My stomach lurched violently as I reread the name. Kenneth Howell.

The picture provided was one I recognized from school, the Ravenclaw Quidditch team photograph, cropped out so only Kenneth himself in his proud blue robes and never fading smile was visible.

Seventeen years old, last seen near his residence in Brighton, England on 19 November 1978.

It was only the 28th of November. Kenneth had been missing for over a week.

It was slow and painful to register. Suddenly images of his face came flooding through my mind: when he'd asked me to Hogsmeade for the first time, when he'd found out how I felt about Sirius, when he asked me to help him pick out a present for Ruth. I remembered the disgusting Pumpkin Fizz he made me try and his laugh that made any ounce of guilt I'd contained inconceivable. I remembered seeing him dance with Ruth at the Leaving Ball, and I remembered watching him, wondering if I'd ever see him again...

The sound of paper falling caught my attention, and I looked up at Sirius, who's wide eyed, blank expression hadn't moved an inch.

"My cousin Andromeda," Sirius said quietly. She had been the one to send him the letter. "She was always my favorite."

I stayed quiet.

"She'd be the one to tell me my brother was dead. Of course."

He'd said it bitterly, like he was testing the words on his tongue to see if they sounded right. They didn't, and he didn't seem to think so, either.

I wasn't thinking very much, only that things were very wrong. The look in Sirius's eyes was confused, lost. I took the newspaper and the letter and laid them on the table, far removed from us, and then nestled myself against Sirius's chest. He wrapped me in his arms, and we just sat there, saying nothing because, really, there wasn't much to say at all.

"You'll be just as good as the rest, cadet," Gideon said, patting me on the shoulder.

"Thanks," I murmured indistinctly, staring at the fading remnants of the spell I'd just cast.

"Mad-Eye's told me that today will be the last official day of training. Though, technically, I'll always be your mentor." He grinned with a degree of obnoxious pride that I could only roll my eyes to.

"One day, I will completely usurp you. Just you wait, Gideon."

"I'll be doing a lot of waiting, then, won't I?"

I stuck my tongue out at him.

"You're doing a fantastic job of convincing me of your maturity now. How about demonstrating a Disarming Spell, just for old time's sake?"

"You asked for it."

I struck the air with my wand, creating a great gasp of wind that blew past him and trembled a vase of flowers on the far wall. His stare travelled towards it, utterly perplexed.

"What was that? I said a Disarming—"

"Expelliarmus!"

His wand clinked to the floor before he'd even had time to turn his head. Gideon frowned and folded his arms across his chest. "I don't know whether or not to qualify that as cheating."

"Why would it be cheating?"

"You distracted me."

"Sure I did. Winning duels involves a certain psychological component, doesn't it?"

He seemed to consider this, then answered, reluctantly, "I suppose so."

I knelt down and returned his wand to him. "Well, you surely can't fail me now, can you?"

"I technically can," he replied, taking his wand back with a haughty look. "But I won't. Go on now. I'll go talk to Mad-Eye and tell him I've passed you forward."

I smiled. "Thanks, Gideon."

"Don't look so genuine, all right? It's bugging me out."

There was something about normalcy that we all strived for. Disregard the magic, the darkness, the war, the deaths, and normalcy was what we expected to find beyond all of it.

That was the thing, though; the fact of the matter was that, that magic, that darkness, all of it, it had become intertwined within us, binding itself so close to the inner workings of ourselves that without it, none of us were really certain where we stood. You could paint on a brave face, but nothing could rid you of the scars.

I noticed that Sirius was acting different that night. We were all clanking our glasses together in the dim light, laughing and cheerful, the six of us, celebrating an end to our Order training, when I first noticed Sirius avert his eyes. Not from me, but from everyone.

"I cannot wait to see Mad-Eye's face when he finds out we were all passed through," James was saying, sighing blissfully. "It will be a moment I will have to engrave into my memory."

"Does he not like us?" Peter asked, and I tried to pretend it didn't come out like a squeak.

"Of course he does, Pete! Who doesn't?" James laughed loudly, clapping his friend on the shoulder.

"Sirius, you look devastated," Remus commented bluntly.

"Yeah, mate," James agreed with a nod. "Torn up because you won't be mentored by Mundungus anymore?"

"Absolutely," Sirius said dully, downing a gulp from his glass. I noticed there was something wrong almost immediately. "Devastated."

"Hey, Sirius..." I started, but when Sirius slammed his glass back down on the table, he was a lost cause.

"I'm going to head out," he announced, and stood to turn away. "I'll see you lot tomorrow."

I opened my mouth, but no words came out, and the others made sounds of protests following this, but he was gone and walking away before anything they'd said could sink in. I watched him disappear beyond the doors and stared after for a long moment, letting my mind wander, until I met four curious gazes.

"I think I'm going to go after him. He's upset. It's... family issues. You know."

"Lunch tomorrow still?" Lily asked, grasping my hand briefly.

"'Course. Wouldn't miss it."

"Okay then," she said, and smiled earnestly. "See you, Gracie."

The others waved, and I said a quick good-bye before bolting out of the place. I'd half expected Sirius to have apparated home already, but I found him outside the door, steadying himself against the wall, hanging his head and staring at his feet.

"Sirius?"

He turned slowly, meeting my eyes with uncharacteristic caution. "Hey."

"Hey yourself." A small smile found my features and I cupped his face in my hands, kissing him on the lips. "I'll take you home, okay?"

He only nodded, saying nothing, and I grasped his hand with my fingers and we twisted through the cold and landed in the depths of Sirius's flat, warmth radiating from the walls.

"I'll make tea," I said, tapping him on the head as he started to protest, but I skipped away to the kitchen before he could say a word. Within minutes I returned to Sirius with two cups of tea, where I found him sitting with his head back and his eyes closed. He looked kind of like an angel, I thought, but perhaps the tortured sort. I moved to his side, gently, so I wouldn't disturb him, and said, "Here you go."

He opened his eyes and turned his head to the side. "Thanks."

"Of course." I set my cup on the table and fell back in to his side.

He exhaled a heavy breath, looking to the ceiling, like he knew that I was asking but didn't want to form the actual question. So he answered anyway, and when he did, his words were warm and soothing, like melting snow. "I used to think sometimes that Reg and I would be okay again someday," he said, swallowing air. "I was mad at him, because his loyalty was with them, and never with me. But I was just mad... I didn't hate him like I did with the rest of my family. It was just like an over-extended argument. I told myself that we'd make up one day." Sirius paused, pressing his lips together. "And then we didn't."

He let out a small sigh, a sad smile finding his lips as he turned and met my eyes again. I sat up straighter, looking down at our interlaced hands briefly and then back to his eyes. It was funny to think of Sirius that way, as someone who had genuinely cared for his younger brother. It gave him more depth, I thought. How had I never seen it before? But they're never spoken at school, not that I could offhandedly recall. But there was something of a bond between them, and I'd known that. I'd been thinking about it all day and hadn't said a word for fear of imposing on an inappropriate moment, but now it just appeared inevitable.

"There's something I have to tell you," I murmured.

He tilted his head to the side. "What?"

"It's not much," I said, "but it's something. Seventh year, the night when we found Mary MacDonald in the corridor, when you ended up in the hospital wing. I'd come to visit you, and it was really late, way past curfew, but I was coming to visit you anyway. When I got there, though, there was already someone there. And when he ran past me, I was so confused because I could have sworn it was you – until I realized it was Regulus."

Sirius's eyes widened slightly. "He came to see me? But I don't remember him ever..."

I shook my head. "You were sleeping. I told him that he should stay, but he asked me not to tell you that he'd been there. I would have told you anyways, but I was just so flustered, that I, well..." Guiltiness momentarily passed over my face. "I forgot."

He didn't move. I wondered if he was upset with me, but the focused look in his eyes made it clear he wasn't upset, really, just thinking. And when he looked at me, I saw a boy that had been lost for far too long, a boy that had been drowning in blackness and any glimmer of light was a thousand suns to his eyes.

"Hey, Gracie?"

"Yeah, Sirius?"

"Will you stay with me tonight?"

I nodded with a small smile on my face, tracing his jaw with my fingers. "Sure." Because sometimes we were too busy fighting the war on the outside to feel the war raging on the inside before it had already won.

This chapter's considerably short in comparison to other chapters, but there wasn't much real action for me to include in this one, so forgive me for that! Also, I'm on winter holiday at the moment, so I'll try to get another update out shortly after this. If I don't get one by Christmas, then Merry Christmas to you all! :) Crossing Boundaries is also reaching its one year anniversary soon.. Yay! Cookies and ice cream! And cupcakes and lots of sugary stuff...

Anyway, thanks for reading lovelies x

(By the way, in regard to those who asked me about it- I was considering doing a re-write of this story, but I decided against it. If I ever do, it will be long, long after this is complete. Just so you know.)