The Pitfalls of Being an Insufferable Know-it-all

Twenty Seven

It took her many years of convincing before she could get me to contribute to her so-called memoir. Why would you want to write memoir? I asked. What an exercise in narcissism, I told her.

I was summarily told that it is not narcissism. Apparently, it's an exercise in self-reflection and personal growth (whatever that is).

Be that as it may, these are the 'private reminiscences' of one Hermione Granger, not Severus Snape, therefore, why do I have to contribute?

Write it second-hand, I told her. It's not my fault she allowed herself to get Obliviated, is it?

It will add to the story, she said. It will be good for the momentum.

Momentum? Is this an exercise in personal growth or a fiction novel? I wondered. Truth be told, there is much about her that I've given up trying to fathom over the years.

I never read her first few drafts. For years I simply refused. In all honesty, I just couldn't face it. It seemed little more than a trifle, anyway, as she assured me it was merely a hobby — a personal 'journey' so to speak. For her eyes (and mine if I wished) only. However, some years later, when the heat had died down and certain peoples were no longer around, she told me she had sent it off to a publisher.

A publisher.

Of course, I had to bloody read it then, if only to insist on some swift editing of certain personal details, facts, fanciful imagery and/or incorrect assessments and judgements relating to my being.

And Merlin, how I cringed and bridled that such light should be shone on my existence, and yet, how impressed and relieved I was to experience the depth of her feelings and emotions. How novel to see the world through the eyes of one Hermione Granger; to see myself through her eyes, even. How could I not fail then to acquiesce to her?

Still, this remains not my own memoir. I am merely to fill in the blanks whilst she was otherwise incapacitated. I have received strict orders not to give too much away before the end and, once again, I ask myself just what sort of story is this?

So, there we were — we'd arrived at the Malfoy estate woefully unprepared and both of irritable persuasions. No doubt it was the latter which helped inform our foolish approach. I lay that firmly at her door. She should have known better than to waltz in demanding to know about my dealings with Lucius Malfoy as if she were my keeper. Bloody know-it-all.

I digress.

Granger was gone to search the lower level of the barn and I had climbed the ladder to search through the raised storage area. It could only have been mere moments later when someone else entered the premises. I heard nothing. The first I knew about it was through Granger's quick-thinking and the sound of her tearing through the barn on her broomstick. At the sudden cacophony of noise, I crept to the edge of the floor and watched as she flew out through the doorway. Close behind her was her assailant running out on foot after her.

I flew down to the floor and peered from the darkness, just in time to watch as she tumbled from her broom to the ground below.

I must say, it was a rather sickening thump; even I winced.

But I had no time to dwell; there were figures advancing on her. I had my wand held in a fierce grip, but it was very dark and I was too far away to get a good aim. I was undecided about blowing my own cover too soon. For all I knew, there could be others nearby and we could end up rather outnumbered. Suddenly, several spells in quick succession were shot at Granger, and I stepped out into the yard, knowing I had to act now or loose the upper hand altogether.

Her two attackers appeared to be exchanging some heated words. I did not recognise these figures. I could see in the way the moonlight glinted off them that they wore masks over their faces. Probably, I could have taken them both by surprise; definitely, even. Instead, I chose to do something a tad mercenary, but if it helps, Granger has forgiven me —I let them bundle her up and Disapparate away with her into the night.

Not before I had cursed her, of course.

I had a prime shot when they levitated her into the air for me to hex her with a Tracking spell. It was obvious; I would follow them to wherever they took her and in the process, perhaps uncover further this ring of corruption. If anything, Granger would be proud.

It was a risky strategy, undoubtedly, and realising it could all unravel quite quickly, I sent my Patronus to Potter advising him to get the Aurors to Malfoy Manor. I made no mention of Granger, or of where I would be. The cavalry wouldn't needed there quite yet. I pulled out the map Granger and I had used in the past. I took a surprised breath when I saw that she had been deposited in Edinburgh, of all places.

How original, I thought.

I made my way around the barn to find the crumpled figure of the guardsman Granger had felled. He also had a mask on. I relieved him of his cloak and put it round me, throwing up the hood over my head and then slipped on the mask. There was no time right then for ruminating on the connotations of this particular get-up. I think I might have shivered, however.

I Disapparated into the courtyard behind the Society and, to my initial shock, found myself standing directly over Granger's inert form.

'Where the fuck were you?' A voice hissed at me.

Only years of practice meant I kept my wits about me and didn't flinch. Granger was on the floor and there was only one of our assailants present.

'She got me with a Stunner,' I hissed back, hoping my assumed character was not a Scotsman or a similarly accented fellow.

'Bitch,' he muttered.

I sighed internally with relief.

'What are we doing with her?' I asked, feeling bold.

'Matthews has gone to fetch Ridley. She's been Obliviated, but there's something else he wants to do before we dump her.'

I felt my heart still momentarily in my chest. They'd Obliviated her. Had they done so recklessly, who knew what state her mind could be in? I was very nearly prepared to grab her and Disapparate out from there straightaway.

Bugger the Augurey's, I thought to myself.

But there were suddenly two cracks of Apparition that forestalled me. The night was getting better and better — Theodore Ridley was now standing before me, along with this fellow Matthews, presumably.

'Jenkins, get her up to Ridley's office,' ordered Matthews.

Fuck, I thought. This was alarming — was I Jenkins? Luckily for me, it transpired I was not. The other man stepped forward and began Levitating Granger through the air, the rest of us following on behind.

'Do we really have to —'

This was Theo, sounding somewhat pathetic.

'Get the Polyjuice. You will use Snape to threaten her into being quiet. Do whatever it takes. If she knows what's good for her she'll go straight to the Aurors and we will have them both off our backs.'

I felt my eyebrows rise behind my mask.

'How do you know Severus wasn't with her tonight?' asked Theo.

My step nearly faltered at that. He always pretty sharp, old Theo; such a shame, really.

'Just do as your told,will you?'

I thought their plan of action a tad far-fetched and doomed to failure. Theoretically, perhaps she would be taken in by my imposter and she would report me to the Ministry, but I failed to see why she would then drop the matter. Far from it, in actual fact. Clearly, they'd underestimated her.

Except, I wasn't to hear quite the full story yet.

Theo had gone to take the Polyjuice, with little to no further protestation,which I found intriguing. Matthews, Jenkins, and whoever I was, stood in Theo's office peering down over Granger's body. To my infinite relief, no one had yet sought to remove their mask.

Matthews suddenly took out his wand, nudging Granger with his foot. 'This, here, is a problem, gentlemen. If our operation is compromised because of her, we will not live to see out the remainder of the year. I am going to enter her mind and find out every bit of information she knows about us and I'm going to take it from her.'

I hadn't quite anticipated that. Messing around her mind… Well, who knew what damage that would cause? Permanent damage... Selfishly, I thought of her memories of me, of us, and how they might be compromised.

Matthews got down onto his knees and, fearing I really only had one option left, I manoeuvred my body so that I had both Matthews and Jenkins before me. I cast a non-verbal Silencing spell on the room, and then I drew out my wand.

I took out Matthews first, which was easy enough because he had his back to me. He actually keeled over on top of Granger, which was unfortunate but couldn't be helped. Jenkins, of course, had time to react and so he managed to throw spells at me. He was no real dueller, however, and within a few moments he was also face down on the floor.

Amateurs, if truth be told.

I dragged Matthews off Granger and piled him and Jenkins up behind the door. I went through both of their robes and recovered Granger's wand. Next, I conjured my Patronus and sent for the Aurors, and when that was done I awaited the arrival of the bigger fish.

Of course, I could have simply scooped Granger up and made our escape, but she understood.

Footsteps soon approached and, I must admit, it was somewhat unnerving to see my own face and body come through the door.

This Snape, Theo, paused and looked around the room. Naturally, there was some disarray to be beheld from the scuffle. I flicked my wand and the door behind him shut violently and locked.

I pulled my mask away and shook my head free of the hood.

'All right, there, Theo? My, my — that is a disturbing fetish you have.'

He stared at me blankly. Who knew I had it in me to look so utterly dumb?

He moved to raise his wand, but I blocked his attempt at a hex easily. He reached behind him to try the door, but it wouldn't budge.

'Let me out,' he demanded.

'Why Theo?' I asked. 'Why get embroiled in all of this?'

'Fuck off.'

'Charming.'

I took several steps forward until his back was pressed up against the door. 'So what will it be; will you come quietly or…?'

I could see the panic begin to rise in him by the way his eyes - my eyes - began to dart about. Fortunately, this Snape was not much practised in the art of Occlumency and so I was one step ahead when he tried once more to hex me.

He didn't want to come quietly. In fact, he lunged at me. Of course, I knew what he was going to do so perhaps even before he did, so I stepped aside. As he fell headlong into his desk, I took the opportunity to disarm him. I saw him reach out to grab a letter knife that sat on his desk, but I was too quick for him. I grabbed a fistful of his robes and hauled him backwards so that he sprawled across the floor.

Turns out I'm rather light.

I pointed my wand down at his chest as I stood over him.

'Who's at the top of this chain, hmm? It's not some weak-willed, pathetic old academic like you, that's for sure.'

I'm not sure I can do justice how utterly surreal this tableau was to me. Theo was only lucky that I had no twisted desire to cause myself pain. Things might have ended far differently, otherwise.

As it was, he ignored my question and made one last attempt to kick out at me. I didn't really need him to answer. I could tell he didn't know who was pulling the strings.

Knowing the Aurors were imminent, I decided to end it and knock him out with a Stunner.

With Ridley felled, I paused to take a breath and to rip off the heavy cloak that hung around me. I pushed the hair from my face and turned to Granger's supine body on the floor. I went to my knees and spelled free first her bonds and then I poised my wand ready to wake her, finally. But… and I admit, I hesitated.

How unusual it was to see her so peaceful and quiet for once!

I lowered my wand and simply watched her. One must allow a selfish old man a momentary lapse of foolishness when presented with such beauty. Beauty that I had never ever held before, until recently, but beauty which felt so very brittle in my clumsy, unclean, selfish hands. It could never be mine — that much seemed very obvious to me in that moment.

I placed my hand under her neck and cast Ennervate.

Her eyes flew open with a gasp of air. 'Severus?'

I nodded.

She moved to sit up and grasped at her ribs as she did so. 'Fuck.'

I let my hand fall away to my lap, but she quickly took hold of it in hers. I didn't mind.

'Severus, where… ?.'

She trailed off as her eyes travelled the room and alighted on the immobile body of Ridley, or to her eyes, Severus Snape.

'What?' she breathed, rearing back from me immediately and taking her hand with her. 'Who…' She started feeling around frantically for her wand.

'Now, how will you tell which Snape is which?' I posed softly, and maybe a little bit menacingly, too.

I can be a cruel bastard, I admit it. It amused me to see her confusion and horror, only briefly of course.

She was staring at me wide-eyed.

I took pity on her and smirked. 'Your wand, my dear.' I held it out for her and she as good as snatched it off me. I noted she did not point it at me, however.

'I'm sure you would not be simply sitting here enjoying yourself if you were an imposter,' she observed dryly.

I allowed a concessionary nod.

'What… How did I get here? What happened?'

'You have been Obliviated.'

Her face dropped.

'What is the last thing you remember?'

'Um, it's fuzzy, but… I remember being at the Burrow and that's, well, that's it…'

Unbidden, I felt a prickle of relief that the Obliviate might very well prove to be a targeted one and that her memory loss might not be too affecting.

'I will fill you in on the details,' I advised. 'The Aurors will be here shortly.'

She nodded, still looking rather dazed. 'Do we tell them everything?'

'Yes; this is the end, Granger; you've got what you wanted, after all.'

A frown formed on her face. She did not remember her words of the earlier evening, I noted ruefully. She did not recall her frustration, which I knew was in part directed at me. To my mind, this would be the end. It should be the end if logic and common sense were to prevail.

She was watching me — studying me with such an open expression of relief and gratitude and happiness that I felt transfixed. .

She smiled widely. 'Oh, Severus, have we really done it?'

She shifted to her knees and put her arms about my shoulders. I must have stiffened with discomfort, but there was no way I wasn't going to make the most of it. I quickly brought my arms around her, documenting the feel of her, the smell of her, and wondered, not for the first time, how I'd managed all my life without such exquisite sensory overload.

In time she pulled back, sitting on her heels. I should have liked to have kissed her — what's the point of pretending otherwise, at this stage? I should have liked to have extracted from her a promise that she might never, ever leave me. I was beginning to be accustomed to these moments coming upon me in her presence. These unusual, almost otherworldly, moments where I was not myself.

There were sounds and voices approaching on the stairs, however, and I dropped my hands from her waist.

'Make sure they take you to St. Mungo's first,' I ordered, getting to my feet.

'Shall you not come, too?' she queried.

I smirked. 'No my dear, there will be no St. Mungo's for me.'

Potter burst into the room then, along with several others.

'Evening Potter.' I allowed myself an automatic grimace.

He stared openly between me, Granger, and the bodies on the floor.

'Give it ten minutes and that bloke there will no longer look like me,' I advised when his gaze seemed fixed on the Severus Snape on the floor.

'Here is my wand.' I held it out, handle first, to him.

He stepped up to me, as gormlessly as ever, and took it. 'You've breached the conditions of your release, Snape, so…'

He said it almost apologetically, but I merely jerked my head irritably that he should simply get on with it. He bound my hands together and indicated for an Auror to remove me.

'Harry,' put in Granger, 'is that really necessary?'

Potter bit his lip. 'Well, I'm afraid I'll have to bind you, too, Hermione, until it's known exactly what the hell is going on here…' He shrugged his shoulders sheepishly. 'Sorry, it's procedure.'

I just about caught Granger's look of pure outrage as I left the room. It afforded me some amusement on the journey to the Ministry, at least.

And that was that. That is how the final events unfolded. A somewhat strange series of occurrences, and we had yet to see what they would all amount to. I only hoped the Aurors were up to the task, but I'm no optimist.

From here I shall return to the eminent, ever loquacious turn of Granger's quill.

I've been told not to preface events too early in their chronological sequence, but I feel there is a part to this story yet to come which might be better served by my quill. Still, the facts are the facts, no matter how much we may dress them up or down in hindsight, and it's her story to tell, after all.

Yet, I note she is one for prescient foreboding, and so I will say this:

Granger thinks I'm a know-it-all. Well, it is a hard truth to acknowledge, but a truth nonetheless, that, actually, there is no such thing as a know-it-all.

We all have gaps in our knowledge and experience.

Unfortunately, some more than most.

AN: Thanks for your lovely reviews. Only the last one to go now : )