Disclaimer: I'd like to register a complaint, about this story which I used not 'alf an 'our ago from this very Rowling...
One day, not too far off from the last chapter, a ComposerBird had an idea.
She flew over to all the other ComposerBirds, and after they chattered and sang and raised a general rucks (to which Hagrid threw something out of his door again, yelling "Ruddy birds!"), they came to a conclusion. They were going to end this once and for all.
A few moments later, a contingent of about a hundred ComposerBirds flew towards the office of the Headmaster, who was out.
The resident pervert, Fawkes himself, was not. He was sitting on his perch, half asleep, muttering something in phoenix language resembling "Oh yeah, strut your stuff... whoo whoo nice cloaca!"
He opened one eye.
He saw about a hundred ComposerBirds staring at him.
You would not think a phoenix could leer, but Fawkes leered.
The ComposerBirds, as one, turned around and raised their tails, exposing all of their birdie goodies.
Fawkes licked his beak.
And, as one, every ComposerBird, in a feat of musicality rarely seen before then, turned around and went into a perfect rendition of Janet Jackson's "What Have you Done for me Lately?"
Fawkes paused and cocked his head.
One brave ComposerBird strutted forward, as temptingly as a bird could, and stared right in Fawkes' eyes.
Fawkes nodded. And flamed out.
The ComposerBirds turned around, and as one, flew out into the sunlight. Operation "Get Fawkes To Do Our Dirty Work" was in full swing.
Scene Change
Fawkes flashed into Griffindor Tower and grabbed Harry, who was currently in the lap of Lunaxury. He flamed out. Luna smiled. She knew something he didn't. But she was sad to have him gone. Harry was warm.
Harry and Fawkes flashed into being in an open field, near a cabe. There were wildflowers everywhere, and the sound of the sea was in the distance. And, right in front of them, was a sleeping dragon. One of the dragon's eyes opened.
"Harry?", she said, surprised.
Harry shrugged. "It's me, Asperanth. Though I don't know what I'm doing here. This bloody flaming turkey took me here with no warning whatsoever."
Asperanth chuckled. "So I see, young two-legs. Let us see what your, as you say, 'flaming turkey' wants. His kind are very smart."
They locked eyes. Asperanth's eyes widened. Fawkes leered. Asperanth blew fire at Fawkes. Fawkes jumped up and jeered.
"Well, two-legs, it seems that other than a rather indecent proposal involving him, me, and those huge chains, your roast bird over there" - she glared at Fawkes - "your little friend here seems to want to get rid of something that's been causing you problems for a long time. I'm in, young two-legs. Hop on."
She pulled herself to a sitting position and positioned herself in such a way that Harry could climb onto her. He grabbed onto her scales with everything he could.
"Off we go!", she almost squealed, and with one huge flap of her wings, they were off.
Scene Change
Fawkes flamed into the ministry of Magic and grabbed Amelia from her office. He deposited her in the death chamber. He looked at her as if to say "wait here and watch this". Then he flamed out.
Fawkes flamed into the Headmaster's office and grabbed Dumbledore. He deposited him into the death chamber, gave Dumbledore the same look, and flamed out.
Dumbledore and Amelia exchanged glances. "What the-", Amelia said, nonplussed.
Dumbledore just chuckled. "Usually, my dear Amelia, when Phoenixes 'kidnap' someone, as it were, they usually have a very good reason. I suggest we wait here and watch the show."
He conjured two chairs and some light refreshments. Amelia reluctantly sat down.
"It won't be long, Amelia. I'm sure of it". He sat back, munching contentedly at a sandwich, and listened to the faint symphony of voices coming from the veil.
Scene Change
Not long after, the dragon, along with Harry (who was under his invisibility cloak, which Fawkes brought him), came crashing through the doors of Gringotts at high speed. Goblins scattered everywhere as Asperanth roasted every one in her sights.
"Ugly little blighters", Asperanth said, bitterly.
They flew deeper into the catacombs. They came up upon a huge dragon, who appeared to want to cause them great fire-based harm, until it saw Harry. Then it laid down and put its snout between its forelegs. Asperanth chuckled.
"Mark of the Dragon", she said. "He knows one of his own. Besides, the Goblins don't treat him well" Harry nodded, sadly. She grinned. "I'll come back for him, young one."
They came to one particular vault, and Asperanth blew the hottest flame she could at the door until it literally melted. They then flew through the molten hole, completely ignoring the alarms and roasting the Goblins that showed up. She went to one wall where there was a cup.
"Take the cup, young one. Do not touch it with your bare hands."
Harry did as he was told, and roasted more Goblins on the way out. They then made their way on to the Ministry of Magic. Harry got off and thanked Asperanth for the most fun he'd had in a long time.
He then, on Asperanth's instructions, made his way down to the death chamber.
Scene Change
Harry, Dumbledore, and Amelia looked in abject astonishment as a small pile of trinkets started appearing in front of them, as Fawkes flashed in and flashed out. There was a ring, a cup, an old, ruined diary, a tiara, and a locket. Fawkes observed them with a very birdlike grin, then grabbed them with his beak and threw them, one by one, through the veil. They came out the other end, but without the horrible aura that they had previously.
Dumbledore now was staring with abject shock. "Did you just-"
Fawkes just trilled, and flashed out again.
Scene Change
Peter Pettigrew was having a bad day. Changing Voldemort's diapers was never, ever fun. Especially considering that snake venom and diapers did not mix very well.
It was about to get far worse.
Fawkes flashed in, grabbed Voldemort's wand, and disappeared.
He flashed in again, grabbed Pettigrew's wand, and disappeared.
He flashed in a third time, grabbed Pettigrew, and disappeared.
Then, before Voldemort could even process what was happening, he flashed in a fourth and final time, grabbed him too, and disappeared.
Scene Change
Dumbledore could not get up from his chair if he wanted to. First Fawkes flashed in with a snake, made sure Amelia saw it clearly, and then threw it right through the veil.
Then he flashed in with a struggling Pettigrew, whom he also made sure Amelia saw clearly, and threw him through the veil as well.
Then he flashed in with Voldemort, who screamed "Unhand me you -", but never finished his thought as he flew through the veil as well.
The veil burped.
Fawkes flew down, landed on the floor, flapped his wings, and preened. He stared at both Dumbledore and Amelia, flipped his wings in a vey obvious "Well, that's done", gesture, and flashed out.
Dumbledore stared at Amelia in shock.
Amelia fainted.
The world was rid of Voldemort for good.
Scene Change
Fawkes flashed into the crowd of ComposerBirds, with a very satisfied look on his face. He had a burden in his talons. It was a small ComposerBird.
It could barely move.
Its eyes were half-lidded, it was trembling like it was cold, and it just tweeted faint fragments of songs. Finally it flopped over, feet up in the air, fast asleep.
Fawkes trilled happily, and flashed out.
Several ComposerBirds tended her. The others began preparations. Her sacrifice must be honored.
Scene Change
All of the ComposerBirds were standing on a flat plain. There were thousands of them, all in formation, in two rows, leaving a wide aisle in between. Several WilliamsBirds started blasting the opening notes to the "Throne Room" theme, while a single, solitary ComposerBird waddled down the aisle of birds, looking to the left and to the right. All of the birds lifted a wing at once, and she walked to the front of the aisle, where, on a raised credenza, stood the Queen of the ComposerBirds.
The LatifahBird smiled, and put a small medal around the other bird's neck.
She bowed.
The LatifahBird bowed back, gratefully.
Fawkes flashed in and grabbed the small bird again.
The small bird squawked in a way that both implied "Oh no not again" and "Take me you red fiery monster!"
All of the other birds clapped. Which, because they were birds, sounded much like the rustling of fabric.
The WilliamsBirds morphed into the "End Theme".
And they lived happily ever after. Except for the small bird Fawkes abducted, who ended up shagged out after a prolonged squawk. But even she was having the time of her life.
Scene Change
"And now", Dark Lord Springer said into his microphone, "We have a very odd case."
In three chairs were the ugliest examples of humanity one had ever seen. The mustachioed man looked like a whale, wearing nothing but a diaper and leather straps in a criss-cross shape over his bulbous belly. The woman, who was horse-faced and thin, stared moresely at the audience. Her leather corset was far, far too tight for her liking, and what was the deal with all that latex? And there was a whale of a boy, as well, who wore a buttown-down shirt, suspenders, coke bottle glasses, pants that were too short, and a pocket protector.
"And here we have the Dursleys, from 4 Privet Drive, Surrey. Surely the most normal people you've ever seen in your life!"
The audience laughed.
Amelia smiled to herself. You could put anyone in jail. You could send anyone to New Cincinnati. You could even kill them. But she knew exactly where to hit the Dursleys.
Their lives would never, ever be normal again.
Though Petunia did rather seem to be enjoying her outfit a bit too much.
Scene Change
Later that evening, after everyone had gone back to their respective places of residence, Harry was cuddling with Luna, and Hermione was lying on the couch with her legs over both of them, reading a book.
Luna smiled at Harry while she played with his hair.
"Harry Potter, are you glad he is gone?"
Harry thought for a bit.
"I am", he said, and for the first time, he smiled. Truly smiled. And he reached over, pulled her face to him, and snogged her.
He released her after a minute or two, and she did not move. She just stared into his eyes, lips slightly parted, breathing fast, and thoroughly enjoying herself. He nodded.
"I am." He said. And dove right back in. She did not resist.
And nothing need more be said.
A/N
The idea for how to end this story came to me in a flash a few days ago. What if everything just hits Voldemort all at once? And what if the reason for Fawkes doing it was just to get laid? So it happened that way.
There are unresolved plot points. I left it that way on purpose. A sequel is not out of the question. But I thought this would be a good way to end it.
I hope you enjoyed the ride. Thank you for all of the reviews, follows, and favorites. I appreciated each and every one. Even the rude guest reviews at least took the time to leave one.
I had several favorite review, but I think my all time favorite was the one that just said something like "around chapter five, you just said f*** it"... yep. I sure did.
No regrets.
Thank you all.