Written for the lovely Alliswell for The Hunger Games 2018 Season of Hope Holiday Gift Exchange.
All I Want for Christmas is You.
It's the middle of the night when Peeta startles awake —his heart pounding and his hands clenched into tight fists as he bites back a scream.
As the fog of sleep slowly lifts, the uneasiness which usually follows his nightmares ebbs. With restless eyes, he scans the walls, carefully mapping the dark shadows which envelop his room.
He's beginning to relax into the mattress when a soft murmur reaches his ears. His heart stutters. Let it be her, he silently hopes as he slowly turns towards the sound.
Next to him, Katniss sleeps with her arms wrapped around her pillow.
In the stillness of the room, Peeta watches her. Bathed in moonlight, and without the worry that usually makes her scowl, she looks blissfully happy.
It's at times like these —when he sees her unguarded and serene— that he wonders whether she's real.
He longs to caress her soft cheeks, to touch her delicate lips and wrap his arms around her shoulders. But he doesn't dare disturb her slumber, so he keeps his hands to himself and lets his mind run free.
For an instant, he dares to dream; to imagine a future with the two of them together. Not just in the shadows or under the sheets but out in the sun for all to see.
He's always cared for her; always thought she was special -from that first day of school when he heard her sing in front of their entire class, to the day when she showed up at the bakery to ask if he could tutor her for her GED after she had dropped out of high school.
He's always admired her strength, her resolve, her devotion to those she cares about.
Becoming her friend was easy. Beneath her rough exterior, Katniss is kind and smart. She always has a sweet smile and an encouraging word for him. Despite their differences, they've always found a way to reach a common ground. At the end of the day, their goals are not that different, their dreams are not that far apart. Except for one.
After growing up surrounded by pain and resentment, -watching his parents fight and bicker all his life- Peeta longs for a genuine connection. He desperately wants to share his future with a real partner; someone who will understand and respect him; someone who will love him and let him love them back.
But Katniss doesn't want love, she's already seen what it does to people when it ends. She wants friendship –companionship and joy without the heartbreak, she calls it- and, apparently, she also wants sex.
As her best friend, Peeta has been more than happy to oblige.
It all started on the night when their friends Finnick and Annie got engaged. Drunk on vodka, happiness, and lust, he kissed her. Much to his surprise, Katniss kissed him back.
Thinking back, Peeta can't remember a happier night in his life. It was as if every star in the universe had aligned, guiding them as they explored each other's bodies and gave each other pleasure.
When morning broke, reality crashed in.
"You're my best friend," Katniss whispered, tenderly brushing his hair away from his face. "I don't want to lose what we have. It means too much to me."
"You won't," Peeta vowed. "Nothing has to change."
In a way, it hadn't. They had remained friends.
In the months that followed, Peeta went out on dates, and slept with other people -they both did, it was part of their arrangement. They were free to do as they pleased. They were also free to fall in bed together if they ever wanted to, which they did. Repeatedly.
It wasn't a bad deal, but Peeta quickly lost interest. Some of the girls he dated were intelligent and funny, most were pretty, but no one held his attention the way Katniss did. Convinced that there was no point in pursuing a relationship when he knew there was no expectation of a future, he stopped asking them out.
Now, almost a year later, Peeta knows that, despite all his carefully crafted excuses and theories, this friendship-turned-casual-affair has gotten away from him.
Katniss still calls him a friend and goes out with other people, but Peeta waits.
His heart breaks a little every time she meets someone new. He feels like dying every time she kisses other lips, and lives in constant fear of the day when she finally decides to call their arrangement off and walk away.
The notion that she might find a pair of arms she chooses to claim as her own terrifies him.
He's tried to break their original arrangement more than once, -to give her some sort of an ultimatum and tell her how he feels- but he can't bring himself to do it. Because, as afraid as he is of what might happen if she decides to leave him, he's also hopeful.
A deep, stubborn part of him still believes there's a chance she might see him differently one day -especially when he thinks about all the times when she's dropped by lately, or about the fact that she insists on spending the night by his side.
Can it be that she's started to want him just as much as he wants her? The possibility alone is enough to make him deliriously happy.
Peeta settles on his side and notices the smell of freshly fallen snow coming in through the crack in the open window. Christmas is almost here, he thinks, before drifting into a peaceful sleep.
XXXXX
Katniss lets out a long, tired sigh. Slowly, she opens her eyes. The traitorous home pregnancy test stares back.
The two blue lines dashing across the small window pierce her soul.
The words she's said and thought a hundred times come back to taunt her. I'm never having children. I don't want any kids. If it ever happens, I'll just get rid of it.
It's always seemed so simple -so easy- to draw a line in the sand, to act like she's impervious to love. But she isn't, not anymore.
As she faces the small plastic wand, she knows that all those declarations were nothing more than words in the wind.
And it's not because of her. Her beliefs are as strong as they ever were. Giving herself over and loving someone so completely seems reckless and unwise. The fear of losing those she loves is a dark cloud that hovers over her and still paralyzes her sometimes.
This is all his fault.
Her reluctance to act is about him. Peeta. He's the one who's turned her philosophy into an impossible road.
She knew she was playing with fire, heading down a dangerous road, but she couldn't help herself. From the first time they kissed, the first time they touched, she felt a pull so strong, a need so deep that she couldn't hold back.
As a teenager -scared and confused by her father's death and her mother's depression- Katniss had vowed to keep her heart safe. It wasn't that hard, in her sister and her mother she had all the love she needed to get by.
But Peeta's different. He always was. Even back when they hardly knew each other, he usually had a sweet smile or encouraging word to give.
Falling in bed with him is the sweetest mistake she's ever made but, as vulnerable as it makes her feel, she just can't bring herself to regret it.
In his arms, she's found passion, tenderness, fire, comfort. She's never felt happier or safer as she does when she's with him.
Straightening up, Katniss faces her reflection in the mirror. The woman who stares back looks scared, but there's a hopeful glint in her eyes.
As her small hand awkwardly pats her stomach, a new idea crosses her mind. This baby belongs to Peeta as much as it does to me.
Maybe it's the hormones wreaking havoc in her system, or the fact that the things she's shared with him have been the best in her life, but the simple thought settles her nerves and fills her with resolve.
I'll tell him tomorrow, she thinks, it'll be alright.
XXXXX
Sae's diner is packed, as usual.
Families and couples sit on the heavily decorated booths sipping hot chocolate and listening to tired Christmas carols. They talk and laugh as they enjoy their evening, thrilled by the excitement of the days ahead and utterly oblivious to the fact that, in his usual seat on the square table by the window, Peeta's world is coming to a screeching halt.
"You're pregnant?" Peeta says with a shake of his head. He knows he sounds like a moron repeating everything Katniss says, but his brain is too stunned to work.
"Merry Christmas!" Katniss intones. She's incredibly calm, considering the circumstances.
Peeta presses his lips together and tries to play it cool, but he feels nauseous. The one thought going through his mind makes him want to rip his skin off.
Dizzy with heartbreak, he spits the words like he would a mouthful of broken shards of glass. "Whose is it? Darius?"
Katniss bites her lip and looks down, eyebrows pinched together as she tries to find the right words to explain her situation.
As the silence between them stretches, Peeta's stomach plummets. In her downcast eyes, he sees all his dreams and hopes quickly slipping from his grasp, dripping away like water between his fingers.
Katniss swallows hard. Her cheeks have turned pale, but the quiet defiance in her voice is something Peeta hasn't heard in a long time. "No, it's not his. I... I haven't been with him in a while." The next words escape her lips in a rush. "I haven't been with anyone in a while."
Peeta nods, the movement is disjointed, mechanical. "You've been with me," he says so matter-of-factly she knows he hasn't seen the implication yet.
Her eyes find his and, slowly -like a doctor delivering sensitive news- she explains, "Yeah. I haven't been with anyone else."
Peeta straightens up in his seat. "Since when?"
Katniss shrugs. "Sometime last summer."
Across the table, Peeta's mind spins out of control as he tries to understand the implications of Katniss's words.
Katniss is pregnant, he repeats in disbelief. The baby is not Darius's, it's... it's mine. The baby is mine!
He's about to stand up and rush to her side when the little voice of his conscience suddenly reminds him, "This isn't about you, doofus! It's about Katniss. This is her body, her choice."
Getting a grip on his emotions, he asks, "What are you going to do?"
One of her hands flies to her stomach and settles there, gently protecting the new life within. "I'm keeping it."
Hope blossoms. Peeta smiles. "You are?"
She nods. Her eyes shine with determination now, and Peeta finds himself trapped in the fire of her conviction. Her voice barely trembles as she says, "I don't want you to worry about anything, though. I know this isn't what you signed up for when we started sleeping together-,"
"It wasn't." He reaches across the table, where her other hand rests closed in a tight fist. Gently, he covers it with his. "But that doesn't mean I don't want to be a part of it."
"Of course! You can be as involved as you want. It's just…" Katniss looks down at their hands and wishes she could just open her palm and lace their fingers together, but her stubborn fears don't let her. "I don't want you to feel trapped here."
"Trapped?"
"Yeah. You have other things going on, you-,"
"What things?"
The question stops her short. Talking about the deep stuff has never been her strong suit. Peeta is much better at it. "Well, I don't know, you haven't mentioned anyone lately, but I know you're still looking for… well, you know…"
A crooked smile turns Peeta's lips. "The one?"
Katniss nods feeling suddenly drained. Hearing about Peeta's romantic ideal always makes her queasy. "I wouldn't want to be the reason why you can't pursue that," she mutters.
Peeta leans forward. Using both hands, he gently pries her fist open. With a playful tug to her fingers, he asks, "Katniss, look at me."
Leaning back on her chair, Katniss looks up.
It's now, or never, Peeta thinks. Tightening his hold on her, he starts, "You don't need to worry about that because… Well, because there's nothing to pursue. I'm not looking anymore." Katniss's lips part but, before she can say anything, he pushes on, "I stopped looking a while back."
Katniss frowns. Her eyes darken and can't tell if she's angry or confused until she asks, "But, why?"
Peeta's heart is beating a mile a minute -his lungs feel like they're on fire- but it's too late to back down now. Trying to keep his voice from shaking, he admits, "Well, because I already know who 'the one' is. I already found her." His deep blue eyes hold her gaze. "I've just been too much of a coward to tell her."
"What?" Katniss pulls her hand away. The pain in her eyes shocks him. "But, what about those girls?"
"What girls?"
"The girls Madge sets you up with," she practically shrieks, "aren't you dating them?"
"Dating them?" Peeta shakes his head. The girls his cousin had set him up with had been nice, but he hadn't seen any of them more than once. And that had been a while back. "Back in spring, Madge introduced me to a handful of friends. I took a few of them out to dinner, and… yes, I slept with a couple of them, but that was ages ago!"
"Ages ago?"
"Yeah."
Katniss sighs. He can see the wheels in her mind turning as she connects all the dots. Her voice is soft and shy when she finally asks, "When was the last time you slept with someone who wasn't me?"
Peeta shrugs. "Honestly? I don't even remember."
Exhausted, Katniss looks out the window. There's a park across the street where a group of children is getting ready for a snowball fight. She idly wonders whether her baby will like playing in the snow. "What does this mean, Peeta?"
Terrified and bold, Peeta stands up and walks over to her side of the table. He can hardly breathe as he sits next to her and gently places a hand on her chin, turning her toward him until their eyes meet. "It means that I'm done searching," he whispers. "You are the one for me. I know this deep in my heart, and I want to be with you, Katniss, –with you and with our baby— for as long as you'll have me. Just tell me you'll allow it."
Katniss smiles. A lone tear streams down her cheek, and she quickly wipes it away as she nods. "We still have to work some things out but…" Leaning forward, she presses her forehead to his. "I'll allow it," she answers, sealing her words with a kiss.
XXXXX
"Ready?" Peeta whispers in her ear.
"Not really," she admits. "Are you sure we need to do this today?"
Peeta chuckles. He understands her trepidation -telling their family and friends that they've been sneaking behind their backs is not something he's looking forward to—but he's tired of hiding. Besides, New Years' is the one night when everyone is together, it's the perfect opportunity to deal with all the complaints and recriminations in one blow.
Placing a hand on the small of her back, Peeta leads her up to the front door. "Remember what we said."
Katniss bobs her head. "It's just like ripping off a band-aid."
"Exactly."
After filling her lungs with crisp winter air to find her courage, Katniss rings the doorbell.
A moment later, the door swings open. "Hey, guys!" Annie greets them.
"Hi, Annie!" they answer.
Katniss walks into the warm foyer and begins unbuttoning her coat.
Peeta spots his cousin in the adjoining room and waves her over.
The next few minutes are a blur of kisses and hugs. Everyone is busy.
Finnick and Annie take their guests' coats; Gale pours drinks; Prim and Posy bring the appetizers from the kitchen; and Rory plays with the sound system. "No more Christmas carols," he proclaims.
From her place by the Christmas tree, Aunt Effie complains about the weather; Hazelle exchanges recipes with Peeta's dad; and Uncle Haymitch slouches on a couch looking like he's already had one too many.
By the time Katniss reaches her mother, she's exhausted. "Are you feeling ok?" Lillian asks squeezing her daughter's arm. "You look a bit pale."
"I'm fine," Katniss lies, "I'm just tired, that's all."
Lilian narrows her eyes. She doesn't seem convinced, but she decides not to push it. She knows her daughter. If Katniss needs her help, she'll ask for it. "Why don't you eat something? You're probably just hungry."
"Yeah, I'll do that," Katniss says, already turning to greet someone else.
Once everyone is settled around the living room, Peeta turns to Katniss, eyebrows raised in question.
She nods.
Peeta stands up and clears his throat. "Alright, everyone, I have an announcement to make."
As the general hubbub dies down, several pairs of curious eyes land on him. He's about to start speaking when Uncle Haymitch beats him to it. "Are you finally going to tell us that you're bonking my niece?" the old man slurs.
"What?" Katniss is up in a flash, glaring daggers at her uncle. "That's not what he's going to say!"
"It's not?" Finnick intervenes. The disappointment in his voice surprises her. "Well, I wish he would, I'm sure getting tired of pretending like I don't know you two guys are an item," he adds.
"An 'item'?" Peeta snaps. "What does that even mean?"
"Well it can mean a number of things," Madge pipes in, "Friends with benefits, fuck buddies, sleep partners, lovers..." Looking at the couple, she adds, "Honestly, whatever you want to call it is fine by us. Just don't stand there and ask us to believe you're nothing more than friends. We're tired of pretending. We don't want to do it anymore."
Shocked, Katniss looks around the room. "You all know?"
Like buoys on water. Every head in the room bobs up and down. Even Lillian and Peeta's dad seem to be aware of what's been happening between their children.
Prim's soft voice cuts through Katniss's stumped haze. "Peeta, what were you going to say?"
"Yeah, Mellark! Spit it out," Gale adds.
Peeta shakes his head, he still can't believe any of this is happening but, as weird as the moment is, he knows it's all for the best.
Letting go of his fears, he reaches out for Katniss's hand. His heart soars when she presses their palms together to bring him closer.
"You're right," Peeta admits, "Katniss and I are together. We've been together for a while." With a shy smile, he closes the small gap between them and places his free hand on her stomach.
Katniss quickly covers Peeta's hand with her own. She's looking straight into his eyes when she announces, "We're having a baby."
A stunned silence follows.
Out by the foyer, Finnick's grandfather clock counts down the seconds.
"I'm going to be an aunt?" Prim shrieks, bringing them all out of their stupor.
"Yes, Little Duck!" Katniss confirms relaxing into Peeta's side. Her anxiety over the announcement is quickly replaced by joy and relief.
With open arms, Prim rushes over to her sister's side. Among cheers and laughter, the rest of the guests follow.
XXXXX
At the stroke of midnight, Katniss kisses Peeta; not tucked away under a darkened stairwell -or in a broom closet- but right smack in the middle of the living room where all the world can see.
She kisses him, and he kisses her back, with that steadiness and warmth he brings into everything he does.
As her friends and family sing in the new year, Katniss beams –confident in the knowledge that things are just as they should be -that's she's exactly where she belongs.
In Peeta's arms, she's found the strength she needs to let go of her fears; and in his kind, blue eyes the hope of a better tomorrow. His lips speak the promise of love, but it's his actions that tell her that, together, they can weather any storm.
Later, as a new whirlwind of hugs and kisses envelops them, Katniss spots Peeta talking to his father. His eyes are full of mirth and life; they make her feel warm, hopeful.
Peeta catches her looking, and his bright smile lights up the room. Katniss smiles back, joyful and light, ready to face her future.