Although her grief over Cade had subsided many moons ago, she still found herself assuaged by his absence from time to time when his memory floated into her consciousness at random moments. Now, grief over both him and the king overwhelmed her as she sat in her bathing room, the steam mingling with her tears. After she had cried herself out, she continued to let the soothing water stream over her body for some time. Eventually she felt cleansed and enough heat had passed over muscles to make her as comfortable as possible. She dried herself gently and found her bathrobe. She sighed cathartically and walked out of the shower room and into her bedroom, expecting to hit frigid air. The nights were still cold this close to the ocean. To her surprise a warm fire was burning in the hearth. Surprised because firstly, the servants knew not to go near her room at night and secondly, because there was Tori, building the fire.
Tori turned on her heels after a moment. "If your father knew that you went to sleep at night in this cold, he would fire every servant we have," she said sternly. Karigan stumbled over her words. "I know but…I would prefer….I asked them not to come in here. I just make it myself, I promise. Plus it's starting to get warm at night, I don't really need one." Her traitorous body shivered involuntarily in the chill. Tori stood, brushing her hands from the soot and faced Karigan squarely. "Enough. I realise that we have had this conversation many times before, but enough. It is time you confided in one of us. If you don't want to talk to me that is fine. But you need to talk to someone. This silence is straining our family." Karigan sighed, chewing the side of her lip. Her aunt was right; she had noticed the increased bickering amongst her family and it was always worse when her back was particularly bad. She walked towards the fire in thought, ordering her thoughts.
"I'm not sure if I want to marry," Karigan murmured quietly. Tori nodded in understanding. "None of us has married lass, we understand more than most why you might feel that. Your father might be disappointed for a time but he will come around, he loves you." Karigan shook her head and sighed. "No, it's more than that. It's not that I don't want to be with someone," she blinked rapidly, "it's just that….I can't. I am unable to be a wife, I don't have the ability." Her aunt hissed in surprise. "Kari, lass, that is the daftest thing I have ever heard you say. Any man would love you as a wife. I mean, young Richard…" She stopped as Karigan held up her hand gently. "Aunt Tori, it's not that I don't want to. I just don't have the ability to…have children. No one would want me, or at least, no one that has to worry about their inheritance plans." Tori stared at her. "But child, you are young. What makes you say that?"
Karigan smiled bitterly. "Because I was a green rider". At Tori's questioning glance, Karigan began to talk about her time as a green rider although she kept many things to herself, her eye one of them. When she finished, the grandfather clock chiming downstairs told her it was almost morning. Karigan fed the flames for the fourth time. Finally Tori spoke. "Child, I am so sorry for everything you have been through and I am glad that you have trusted me enough to share your story. But I still don't really understand. To me, it seems like marriage might be the best thing for you, someone to hold you when the memories threaten to overwhelm you. Why don't you think you are capable of being a wife, that you don't deserve this?"
She was very gentle and Karigan swallowed. Perhaps she just needed to get on with it. At least one of her aunts should know. "Let me show you," she replied softly. And with that, Karigan opened her gown and dropped it to the floor to reveal her naked body, letting the lamplight shine on her bare skin. Her aunt's eyes rounded at the sight of Karigan's body pocketed with scars from old injuries and stab wounds. She stood, approaching. "Kari," she breathed. Karigan turned. She heard her aunts' intake of breath as she stilled in shock. Karigan stood there for a full minute before she turned and slowly put her gown back on. Finally she looked at her aunt and sighed as she read the pity and horror on Tori's white face. "My body is too weak to birth," she said quietly. "I cannot be the woman a man would want at night, or bear him heirs. Mornhaven and Second Empire had the last laugh and took that from me. So, now you know everything that I can tell you." Her aunt just stood there, unmoving, tears falling down her face. Karigan grew nervous as the silence unfolded until Tori seemed to snap out of her reverie and leaned in to clutch Karigan fiercely, but gently. "Oh child," was all she said. For once Karigan leaned into her aunts' embrace, feeling drained but calm. It was nice to have shared her burden with someone.
Eventually they moved apart and Tori wiped her eyes. "It is almost dawn, but I think you need a good sleep. Head to bed and rest now. I will wake you for the midday meal." Karigan yawned in response and nodded, drowsy after her late, emotional night. She climbed into bed and her aunt tucked her in, smoothing Karigan's forehead as she drifted off. Tori watched her niece, noticing the lines she had always thought of as sadness melt away as the constant pain she must feel drifted away with sleep.
Tori shut the door quietly and went down to the kitchen. She stoked the hearth fire and set the kettle on to boil, preparing the teapot in deep thought. The kettle whistled and she poured the steaming water over the leaves, setting them aside. She was staring out the window, having drunk half a cup, when she heard quiet noises in the hallway and the door opened to admit Stevic. He was startled to see her; he was almost always the first of the household to wake. "Morning Tori. Poor sleep? It's unlike you to be awake already." She sighed and leaned over to grab another cup. "That would be because I have not yet seen my bed. Have a seat, Stevic." He looked at her with startled eyes and sat while he sipped on the hot tea. Tori was lost again in a train of thought, her eyes arrested by the fire. Stevic gently placed a hand on hers to gain her attention. "What's on your mind?" he asked. Tori took a deep breath.
"I think we all know that Kari's service to the king was difficult and we have all agreed that there is much we suspect she hadn't told us. Well, we were right. Last night she told me her story. Oh, Stevic!" she cried, grasping both of his hands in hers tightly. "She is a miracle! Our little girl is the reason our neighbours can sit in their homes this morning and drink tea, the reason you can organise your trade schedule this season! She saved us all! And she saved our children, and our children's' children. But the price she paid… Brother, her body is scarred. Like nothing you have ever seen. She has paid this price for us dearly." Taking a sip of tea for composure whilst her brother sat in silence, Tori clasped her brother's hand again and in a calmer manner, unfolded Karigan's story.
Much like Karigan had hidden the gorier details from her aunt, Tori endeavoured to protect Stevic from some of the uglier parts of her tales. Still, he was as white as a sheet by the end as he rubbed his eyes. Silence had fallen for several minutes before he stood abruptly to stare out the window. Finally he heaved a sigh and sat again by his sister, who had poured them both another cup of tea and by the taste, added a little something to soothe the nerves. He spoke quietly. "It is clear that our family is privileged to have such a woman amongst us and we must do everything we can to look out for her. My poor girl." He stared at his hands and Tori squeezed them. Then she sat straighter and sniffed. "Right. That's enough now. We have the day to get on with." He bowed his head and sighed heavily before grabbing his hat and striding outside.
When Karigan awoke, the sun was shining through the edges of her curtains and small rays of sunshine cast patterns around her room. She watched dust motes float through the air, reflecting light like tiny pieces of floating silver glinting in the sun. She laughed at the thought, thinking back to her last experience with floating pieces of silver. Still she felt good, warm and relaxed and was content to lie for a while yet. She drowsed until nature called before she got up and padded to the bathing room. By the faint rumble in her tummy she thought it must be closer to lunch than not and decided to bathe for the banquet now so she had time to wash and dry her hair. The heat felt so good. As she dried her hair and gently removed some of the easier tangles, she thought that for the first time since her mission up north long ago, she felt good. The night with her aunt had been cathartic and had given her a deep, longed for rest. Coupled with the ease that bathing always made her feel, she decided she felt on top of the world.
She trotted downstairs and whistled her favourite song, listening to her aunts and father busying themselves over the lunch table from the hallway. She glanced at the grandfather clock startled; it was well after midday! She pushed the kitchen door open cheerfully calling, "morning everyone!" and made her way to the sideboard to pour herself a cup of tea and help everyone to a refill. Stace took the full cup off her immediately, as if she was afraid that Karigan would drop it. Her father was staring into his and the rest of her aunts were giving each other furtive glances and busying themselves with various dishes. All conversation stopped.
Karigan sighed and turned to face them squarely, her hands on hips. She was determined to stay in a good mood today. "Listen," she commanded. They all looked at her, their sorrow apparent. "Listen closely," she said harshly. "I am in pain. I will be in pain every day for the rest of my life. I have scars on my body and in my heart and if my king asked me, I would do it again without question. I was in service to my king and my country and my family, and it is my right to protect those that I love. I expect you to respect my choices in life. Although there are things I wish had never happened, they did and I have made my peace with it. So now, I expect you to do the same. Agreed?" She stood, waiting. Her father stood and embraced her gently but fiercely. "Aye Kari lass, we will make our peace with it. Just know that your family loves you and couldn't be more proud of you." She hugged her father back and her stomach growled. They all laughed and the mood lightened.
Brini grabbed her a plate and Gretta piled it with food. Stevic started to talk schedules but his sisters quickly shut him up, complaining about shop talk at lunch time. So he sat there contentedly watching as the 5 of them gossiped about the upcoming dinner and what the ladies would wear and he smiled at the look of light on Karigan's face, which had become a rare sight. This dinner was the social highlight of the year in Corsa since it was the night that the trade deals with the islands would be signed, and everyone of note was expected to attend. They had been gossiping for weeks at his kitchen table.
Karigan spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing on the beach, enjoying the few rare hours of leisure she had given herself. She sat and watched the children as they squealed in the surf, trying to jump over the waves. After a while she noticed Richard approaching her in the peripheral vision of her good eye and her stomach tightened. They needed to chat.
He called a greeting and folded his long body beside her, their thighs slightly touching. She cleared her throat and used the action to face him and move apart slightly. Before she could begin he looked at her earnestly and caught her hands in his. "Karigan, please. Let me speak. I hope it's been clear that I have very much enjoyed being around you. Given the dinner is tonight….." He took a deep breath. "I thought it best to try and catch you before and, well….. ask you….well, at least see….where you think this might be heading?" His fumbled speech made her smile. She turned his hands over in hers gently. 'Richard, I am honoured by your attentions, I truly am. But I have an interesting past and people have hurt me. I can't bear you heirs, Richard. I think that I could love you but that's not going to be enough. You are the first born in your clan and your wife will be expected to give you children and it's the one thing I can't do." He stared at her in consternation. "What do you mean, you've been hurt?" She shrugged. "I was in service to the king, Richard. I can't tell you. All I can say is that I will never have children and because I respect you and I like you, I think you should know what it would mean to be involved with me." He opened his mouth and she placed a finger over his lips.
"I'm not interested in a speech about love conquers all; you and I are both heirs. We know better than that." He closed his mouth looking deeply upset and instead, stared out to sea for a while before looking back at her. Karigan was watching him with such a vulnerable, uncertain expression on her beautiful face that all he could do was grasp her hands tighter, kissing the back of them. Then he let them go. "Karigan," he said simply, "you are a rare woman and I suspect my greatest regret in life might be watching you say goodbye." She smiled at him warmly. "Friends?" she asked. "Friends," he replied firmly. "Let's walk". He got up and watched her slowly struggle to her feet, knowing better by now than to offer her assistance. Then he gallantly offered his arm and they wandered down the coast, chatting the afternoon away. The sun was slowly reaching the horizon when he deposited her back at her doorstep. Their laughter died and he gave her one final, penetrating glance, before swopping down to press a gentle kiss on her lips. With a sad smile, he left.