"You don't look happy," Gisele told him one morning, carefully drinking her shitty, scalding office coffee during a break.
Levi, who was waiting for his equally hot green tea to cool and tired of being patient, hummed as he risked a sip.
"I never look happy," he told her. "That's my default face."
There was a fond insult somewhere in there, but it got lost on the way from his throat to the tip of his tongue. Which, incidentally, had just gotten burned by his small mouthful tea. Maybe the universe was trying to send him a sign, he told himself – but he didn't believe in that bullshit. Besides, he wasn't close enough to Gisele to feel comfortable being so familiar with her anyway. Not even for fond insults.
"No, I mean," she insisted, "lately, you looked..."
She trailed off, lost in thought as if trying to find her wording. She often did that, and Levi remained silent, waiting for her to elaborate.
They were sitting at the only table in the small kitchen next to their office. Gisele had started taking her coffee breaks along Levi's recently. She still left him to eat lunch on his own, so he didn't mind.
"You haven't met someone, have you?" she asked, then added without waiting for a reply, "You don't have to tell me. I'm just wondering."
She fell silent and sat there, awkward.
Levi focused on his cup of tea, face artfully blank.
"You have, haven't you?"
The words were almost whispered. Levi glanced at her. She was staring at the dark, fragrant coffee in her cup.
Levi hadn't uttered a single word yet. He'd hoped she would drop the subject.
"No," he said, his voice level and passionless.
She hummed softly, drinking more of her coffee.
"Were you rejected?" she asked after a while.
There was a moment of quiet between them. Two of their co-workers came into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee, casually talking, and left.
Levi wondered what would happen if he told Gisele the truth. He toyed with the idea, but ultimately decided against it.
"Let's go back to work," he said, already leaving for their shared office.
I had a great time tonight, Eren's text said. I hope we can do this again soon.
Levi didn't know how to answer that, so he didn't.
Midterms are coming and my boss at the store won't give me more shifts, the next one said. He says he doesn't want me to fail college.
The next text came a couple minutes later.
He's not wrong, but I get a bonus for Christmas shifts and I need the money.
Levi had been there before, working his ass off to pay for his education and make ends meet. He doubted his words would bring Eren any sort of comfort, so he offered none.
You can message me whenever, you know? No pressure. It's okay if you're busy, or if you don't want to talk.
No pressure all right, you little shit, Levi wanted to say. Of course, he didn't. It'd only serve to spur Eren on – but what did Levi expect? Eren didn't need to be spurred on either way.
I spent all day studying and I'm bored as fuck, Eren sent next. There's nothing on tv.
Then a few minutes later: I started watching some cooking show reruns because there was nothing else and now I'm hungry. My fridge is empty but I don't want to move. What do you suggest?
Nice try, Levi thought.
I think I'm gonna order something. That doner kebab place near college is really good.
Of course, he wasn't going to take the bait.
Kebab is fucking disgusting.
This might be too harsh of a reply after so many days, so a minute later, Levi added:
Thanks for the tip anyway.
He was watching shadows shift on the ceiling above his bed. His room was dark, aside from the light of a streetlamp seeping through the window. The quiet of his apartment seemed to swallow every sound coming from outside. It almost seemed like he was in another world, separated by a thin veil.
Levi was lying on his back, his two blankets bunched around him to optimize warmth. Heating was expensive, and he would usually turn it off during the night. But he was freezing. Even the second, thicker blanket wasn't enough to ward off the cold of winter.
In the past few days, the weather had changed. The pleasant warmth of Indian summer had given way to chilly days and colder nights. It wasn't unexpected: it was now, after all, late November.
If Levi didn't care much for the cold, he preferred it to steamy hot weather. His run-down building had no air conditioning, and he didn't have the funds to have it installed. Not to mention the fact that he was only renting the place. Because of that, he was glad that his apartment windows faced the North.
He didn't care much for the sun either, so all was well. His apartment was always pleasantly cool in the summertime, and dark like a tomb in the wintertime.
Cool and dark like his fucking stony heart, apparently.
It had taken him a couple days of renewed distance and careful banter through texts from Eren for the muted panic that had filled him since their last encounter to recede a bit. A couple more to answer said texts. He was aware of being difficult, but despite what he'd told Eren, there were definitely some things he'd rather not deal with if he could avoid them.
His own awkwardness wasn't a problem. He'd had a lifetime to get used to being unskilled at social interaction. He dealt with it on a daily basis. But dealing with bright-eyed idiots who seemed to want something from him that he couldn't provide was another story.
As for his own shortcomings in that department, he refused to start even thinking about them.
He hadn't missed the look on Eren's face that night. Whatever it meant was irrelevant. Levi understood that Eren wanted them to be close, at least as friends, and possibly more. But in what manner wasn't important. Relationships, no matter their nature, weren't something Levi envisioned in his future. They weren't even something he wanted for himself.
Levi sighed and turned around until he was resting on his side. As he settled into his blanket, the light he could see outside shifted. A passing car, probably. The green letters of the digital clock on the stool he used as his bedside table glowed in the dark. It was nearly three in the morning, a little over an hour since he'd woken up from yet another dream he'd rather not remember.
Tired, he closed his eyes. He'd been dozing off since then, hovering between sleep and waking. He wasn't even sure he wanted to go back to sleep. Unwanted dreams couldn't reach him when he was awake. Not that being alone with his thought was much better, but he could at least try to distract himself.
Levi didn't understand. He had nothing to offer, no ambition in his life other than day-to-day survival. He had no redeeming qualities. And yet, Eren was still there. Like Gisele, he saw something in Levi that left the latter bewildered. Those two seemed to like his company, and even to seek it. They were probably not all that right in the head.
The previous day, he'd finally decided to reply to Eren's texts. The increasing desperation behind each message was almost palpable, despite the fact Eren had given no such indication – not in words, anyway. He hadn't even sent that many to begin with, and his tone was perfectly casual. Maybe it was all in Levi's head. His curt reply had seemed to be enough for Eren, and they were back to texting regularly as if nothing had ever happened.
And yet, there was now something subtle, a layer so sheer it was almost transparent, to Eren's interactions with Levi. Not that he was guarded or coy – Eren seemed incapable of that, too honest to be anything but himself. He was just being peculiarly delicate, mindful of Levi's feeling and boundaries. This was new. Had Eren always be this considerate? His behavior since their nightly visit to the cemetery had only suffered minute shifts, at best. Only a trained eye would notice them, and Levi didn't know if what he saw was there or simply a reflection of his own reservations.
Levi planned on ignoring it all and acting as if nothing had changed for as long as he could get away with. Fortunately, Eren didn't seem ready to act on whatever he wanted from Levi yet. Possibly ever.
He turned around again and opened his eyes, now facing away from the window. The room was dark, but he could make out the outlines of furniture. There was not much to see, anyway. The door leading to his tiny bathroom was shut. There was nothing lying around, no mess. It was all put away behind the closed doors of his closet. It wasn't even full. He didn't have much.
Annoyed, he threw the blankets away. He'd been cold minutes ago. Now he was too warm. His insomnia had been better for a while, but he'd had trouble falling asleep every single night for the past few days. Worse, whenever he'd been able to fall asleep early, he'd woken up in the middle of the night. He just wanted to sleep. He felt exhausted. Why was it so hard?
He'd toyed with the thought of going for a run when it happened, inspired by Eren's own battle against sleep deprivation. But he knew Eren lived nearby. He didn't want to risk running into him on a deserted street with no distraction, making the subtle connection binding them all the more obvious in the quiet of the night.
Meeting during the day, surrounded by light and people, was easier. It made the shadows recede, made it easier to maintain the status quo.
Levi shouldn't have let things reach that point. He should have stayed away from the beginning. But he hadn't. He'd thought holding Eren at arm's length from the start would be good enough, in spite of how unwilling he'd been to have anything to do with the kid. And here he was, now, thinking about him in the middle of the night instead of getting rest.
Was it wrong of him to want a friend? It was selfish, and a disaster waiting to happen, but Levi couldn't help it. Against his best judgment, he found that he didn't want to let go. The kid was genuine to a fault and consistently kind to Levi. He seemed to get him, to understand and respect his need for distance like no one ever had before. It made him easy to be around, and Levi liked his company.
He hated himself for it.
He fell in and out of sleep until morning. He shut off his alarm clock before he could ring and go up to start his day.
Levi was putting on his clothes, which he'd neatly placed on an old chair – the only piece of furniture in his bedroom aside from his bed – the night before, the screen of his phone lit up.
Hey, I got coupons for a new dim sum restaurant.
Levi dropped his phone on the bed. He was combing through his hair when his phone lit up again.
The internet reviews are nice. Are you free on Friday?
Levi knew he should refuse the invitation. Agreeing to meet would be a terrible idea.
They also serve special tea. You like tea, right?
Saying no to Eren had ever been easy to begin with.
A few days later, Levi joined Eren near the subway station closest to the restaurant.
When he arrived – walking, because subway trains were even worse than buses – Eren was already there, talking on the phone.
"I know, but –" he was saying, looking a little annoyed. "No, I understand."
When he saw Levi, his face relaxed in an easy smile. He gestured for him to wait.
"Yeah, of course," he said, his voice softer. "All right. I'll tell you as soon as I know. Okay. Me too."
He hung up and turned towards Levi.
"Hey," he said. "How's it going?"
Levi shrugged at Eren but didn't answer.
They started walking towards the restaurant. Eren was uncharacteristically silent. He seemed lost in his thoughts, a small frown darkening his face in the cold winter evening.
They soon arrived at the restaurant, but Eren lingered outside. Levi was about to ask him what was wrong when Eren finally opened his mouth.
"I'm sorry, I'm – well," he said. "Something came up and I have a lot on my mind." He sighed, the frown on his face deepening.
"Was that your mom on the phone?" Levi asked after a bit.
"Yeah," Eren said. "She wants me to go home for the holidays, but I don't really have the money."
Levi didn't answer right away, eyes on the pavement.
"Is it the right time to eat at a restaurant?" he said.
Eren chuckled, looking embarrassed.
"Nah. A night out isn't gonna make a difference, and this place is cheap." He was scratching at the palm of his left hand. "Come on, let's go."
Eren led Levi inside. They remained silent until they were seated and browsing the menu.
"It's not just money, you know," Eren said. "I have exams I need to study for. I get by all right, but I can only work part-time. I just don't make enough to travel there on a regular basis."
Levi hummed in reply.
"It's not like I don't want to go. I hate leaving her to spend Christmas on her own. But I don't want her to pay for that trip either, you know?" He sighed. "We have that same discussion every year. She's always trying to help by giving me money."
They were interrupted as a waiter came to take their orders.
"I'm not mad at her," he went on after the waiter was gone. "But she doesn't have much to start with."
"She's your mom, though," Levi said. "Of course, she wants to have you home on Christmas."
Eren sighed.
"I know. I usually visit her in January, when exams are over. I make a lot by working on Christmas and New Year's."
The waiter came back with Levi's tea and a pitcher filled with tap water for Eren.
"So you'll be alone on Christmas?" Levi asked when they were alone again.
"Well, yeah," Eren said, pouring himself a glass of water.
Eren averted his eyes and fell silent after that. He fiddled with his glass. Levi wondered why he seemed so tense. He supposed that being alone on Christmas would be something people could feel awkward about. Levi himself didn't have anyone willing to spend that time with him. No family left, and no friends. He didn't really care for Christmas anyway, so it was fine.
Eren didn't know that. Levi wanted to tell him, hoping it would make him feel better. But he didn't want Eren to suggest something nice and stupid. Like spending the day together.
"I don't celebrate Christmas," he finally said.
It seemed like a good compromise.
"Yeah," Eren said.
Their food arrived, providing a welcome distraction from the tense atmosphere, and Levi dug in. Like the tea, the dim sum was good. They ate in silence for a while. Levi noticed that Eren was picking at his food, but didn't comment. Eren would talk if he wanted to, when he felt ready. He didn't need any prompting.
"You know," Eren eventually said, "I'm not someone who makes friends easily."
Levi glanced up at him from behind his cup of tea.
"You could have fooled me," he said. "You were pretty persistent."
He'd barely stopped talking when he realized what his words implied. They weren't friends, he thought. Not yet. But if Eren kept asking him out on a regular basis, if Levi kept on saying yes like he had in the past weeks, they might be, someday. At least, Eren would come to think of Levi as a friend, if it wasn't already too late.
Eren interrupted that line of thought.
"Was I?" Eren asked with a small grin that made him look a little embarrassed. "It's true, though."
"How so?"
Eren didn't answer, munching on one of his dumplings.
"When I was younger," he started after swallowing his food, "I was always angry. At everyone – my dad for leaving, the kids at school who'd make fun of me because of that, my mom for working so hard and never being home. But most of all, I was angry at myself. For letting it all affect me so much, for being so useless… Most of the time, I didn't even know why. There were too many reasons and none at once."
Eren paused, staring at his plate as he poked a juicy dumpling in the side.
"It was hard to make friends. Harder to keep them. And then, the nightmares started. Terrible ones."
He glanced at Levi, before focusing on his plate again.
"I got in too many fights. My mom had me see someone for a while because of that," he added. "I don't remember how it happened, but everyone in school somehow knew. I'd been the weird angry kid with no dad before that. Adding 'nutcase' to that didn't help."
Eren fell silent and resumed eating as Levi sipped on his tea. Eren didn't seem to be used to chopsticks, not always managing to bring food all the way to his mouth. As he dropped yet another shumai dumpling, Eren noticed that Levi was watching him. Levi didn't break eye contact, drinking more tea as they stared at each other.
"Yes?" Eren asked after swallowing the last of his meal.
But Levi shrugged. A smile skimmed over Eren's lips, weak and ephemeral-looking. To Levi's surprise, it remained there as Eren spoke again.
"We moved away when I was in middle school," he said, placing his chopsticks on the table. "Nobody knew me. I did whatever I needed to keep it that way. I could keep myself in check by then, but I was always scared to lose it again."
Eren's hands were on his lap, hidden from view by the table between them. Levi saw his arms twitch. Eren was scratching at his palm again.
"Even nowadays," Eren said, glancing at Levi before letting his gaze fall to his lap, "it's complicated. My mom says I'm too serious, that I don't know how to have fun. She says I try to hard. She's right, but I don't know. Maybe I just don't click with people."
Eren took a deep breath and looked at Levi. He was frowning, but there was something hopeful, painfully honest about his face in that moment.
"It's different with you, though," he said. "Somehow, I feel like you get me. It's weird, I know. We don't know each other all that well, but you always know how to help me feel better. And you always listen. Like I matter."
Levi didn't know what to say, but Eren didn't seem to expect a reply.
"And I hope," he added, "that someday, I can do the same for you."
Levi dropped his eyes to his plate. Half of his dumplings remained uneaten, but he was already full.
Levi was silent as they paid for their meal. They exited the restaurant and walked towards the subway station. Levi kept his eyes on the pavement. He thought that maybe, if he could remain perfectly silent, after a while, people would stop noticing him, and it would be almost like he wasn't there. Vanishing entirely, not just so people would be unable to see you but make them completely forget they'd ever met you, as if you'd never even existed, was a fascinating notion.
"Let's walk," he said abruptly.
Eren, who'd been lost in his thoughts, turned to face Levi.
"Walk?" he said.
Looking ahead, Levi nodded.
"Where to?" Eren asked.
Levi glanced at him. Eren smiled but looked unconvinced.
"Our station," Levi said.
"It's a forty minutes walk."
"Yep," was Levi's answer.
He was already walking. It was better than taking the subway, even if at this hour, it'd be almost empty.
"It's freezing," Eren said as he caught up.
"I'm aware."
Eren looked ready to protest, but seemed to decide against it.
They fell silent after that. They walked past the nearby station, but none of them stopped. Levi just kept on walking, and Eren followed.
They walked and walked, Eren sometimes breaking the silence, but Levi didn't feel like talking and offered monosyllabic replies. Eren seemed to understand and remained quiet after a while.
They passed their station and went in the general direction of Eren's apartment. Eren still didn't know where Levi lived, but he seemed to suspect it wasn't far from his own place and didn't say anything.
When they reached the street corner where they'd usually part ways, Levi found himself unable to repress shivers. He was starting to understand why Eren had looked a little concerned earlier. Eren was wearing a warm coat, as well as a plush wool scarf and matching gloves. Levi was only wearing a cheap anorak and his thin scarf didn't do much against the cold. He was freezing his ass off.
Eren, who was walking a step behind him, put a gentle hand on his elbow. Levi turned to look at him.
"You know, you're kind of stubborn," Eren said, frowning.
Levi glared at him as he took his scarf off.
"What the hell are you doing," he asked.
It wasn't really a question. Levi knew what Eren was doing.
How thoughtful, Levi thought as Eren wrapped his thick scarf around his neck, making him feel warmer instantly. But Levi knew better than to try and fool himself. Eren was always nice to him. Always patient, in his own fashion, despite the fact he was so obviously not.
"You should dress warmer," Eren said, arranging the scarf around Levi's head. "It's almost December. I wouldn't be surprised if it started snowing soon."
Levi nodded, feeling weirdly numb, possibly because of the cold. Eren's hands, now feeling around his freezing ears and brushing them with gentle fingers covered in soft wool, weren't helping at all. Once again, Levi found he wanted to disappear.
Glancing up at Eren was a mistake, probably. He was watching Levi with a peculiar look on his face. There was a subtle smile on his lips, but it was too faint to really reach his eyes. Levi thought he looked sad.
It didn't register that Eren was leaning towards him at first, until a flicker of his gaze towards Levi's lips made his intentions clear. Eren didn't break eye contact after that, but his hold on Levi's face remained light, almost delicate. Levi could move away at any time, if he so wanted.
But Levi didn't know what he wanted, and he didn't move.
Eren's lips were cold and soft. Lip balm made them glide against Levi's like there was nothing but air against his skin. He could feel Eren's breath against his face, ghosting his skin like remnants of a dream long forgotten.
Levi let himself be kissed. He stood there, eyes closed, perfectly still, frozen like a misshapen ice sculpture made by someone who had no idea how to hold a chisel.
Levi was cold and second-guessing himself.
Eren's lips felt light, tentative and cautious. They were asking a question.
He held no answer. In his mind, the only thought left was a never-ending twirl of the same string of question.
Why? This was never supposed to happen, so, why? How had things come to this? Why was he letting Eren do it? Why couldn't he move away from him? Why wasn't he rejecting him? Why hadn't he done that right from the start? And when had Eren started to think of him like this?
A gentle flick of moisture against the middle of his bottom lip had Levi move at last. Eren's tongue was pleasant against his mouth, contrasting with the surrounding cold, and Levi was suddenly starved for warmth. Without thinking, he opened his mouth to allow Eren inside.
It felt all wrong. He'd tensed up in anticipation of an onslaught, knowing he could withstand it. But Eren was nothing but warm and gentle. Levi had never known Eren was capable of that. His hold on the sides of Levi's head was light, the graze of his tongue against Levi's, even lighter. The assault on Levi's mouth was soft but devastating, crushing Levi's resolve and rendering the effort he put into building his defenses utterly fruitless, until he couldn't do anything else but lean into it.
This was no good. No good at all.
Levi's lungs seized, and he broke the kiss. Eren let him go as he leaned away.
Levi took a moment to catch his breath and regain his bearings. Without Eren shielding him against the night, he felt the cold again. Levi stuck his hands into his pockets and he heard Eren clear his throat. When he looked up, Levi found he was being watched.
Eren mirrored Levi's posture, his hands hidden away in the pockets of his coat. He held Levi's gaze for a bit, but ultimately averted his eyes. He looked like he wanted to say something, but remained silent.
Levi wished for the ground to swallow him.
After a while, Eren took a deep breath.
"Thanks for tonight," he said, sounding hesitant. "Text me later?"
Levi shrugged, and Eren smiled. Again, it was a small, sad thing of a smile.
Levi didn't stay to see it waver.