The captain was sitting nearby, sipping what was at least his fifth cup of tea. When they'd sat at the big table in the dining room, Eren had thought the captain would remain mostly silent. But surprisingly, he'd been entertaining Eren with renewed yet inconsistent conversation.
Eren was the one who was silent. Until now, Eren had believed that the captain didn't talk much because he didn't want to. It occurred to him then that maybe he just didn't know what to say.
The one-sided conversation occasionally dwindled, though, and Eren was left alone with his thoughts.
On one such occasion, he was waiting for the Captain to resume talking. But he waited and waited, and nothing happened. The silence remained unbroken this time. Unable to bear its weight – or maybe it was the weight of guilt – Eren opened his mouth.
"I'm sorry," he said.
It wasn't what he'd wanted to say, but it was too late, the words out of his control.
He thought the captain would be annoyed at him, berate him maybe, or at least scowl harder. It wasn't the first time Eren apologized. It was, after all, his fault the whole squad was dead. They'd been the captain's companions, and he was pretty sure that he was mourning, in his own standoffish manner.
But the captain didn't react. He went on sipping his tea, undisturbed in the surrounding quiet, as if Eren hadn't spoken.
As if he wasn't there.
"I'm sorry," Eren repeated, louder, brushing his fingers against the palm of his opposite hand.
Major Hanji said the itch he sometimes felt there was caused by some kind of phantom pain. That the wound he inflicted on himself disappeared like they'd never been there, and that it confused his body.
He had to bite at the joint of his thumb to trigger the transformation. He bit hard, quickly cutting through his skin on the outside, so the wound was usually shallow, and it wasn't that sensitive to begin with. Since he healed once he was encased into his titan, he never really had enough time to feel the pain.
The palm side was another matter. It had more flesh, muscles and tendons. His teeth would sink deep into it. It hurt more, though it was still temporary. It would itch sometimes, and even hurt, especially at night.
Now it itched so bad that he almost wanted to bite it again, just it'd stop.
The captain still wasn't paying attention to him. Eren wished he would say something. Anything would do.
"I'm sorry," Eren repeated, his voice reverberating in the empty dining room. "It's my fault."
The captain, at last, gently set his cup on the table and looked at Eren. He stared, his face blank. The usual frown was absent from his features, but the light from the torches on the wall made his eyes flicker with live flames.
Eren's anger died on the tip of his tongue. The captain's face might look impassive, but his eyes – they told Eren otherwise. This was the face of a man who knew grief.
"Are you fucking kidding me," Levi said, voice firm but soft. "I said that you shouldn't apologize because it wasn't your fault."
Eren looked at his hands. He'd scratched his palm until it bled.
"I'm not sure I could've saved them," he said, watching blood run down his wrists. "But it feels like I didn't even try."
Levi let out a small noise, betraying his irritation with Eren.
"You never fucking listen,' Levi said, running a hand through his hair. "But maybe I shouldn't blame you."
Some nagging certainty grazed at Eren's mind. What was the captain saying? He wasn't supposed to say that – it hadn't happened that way. But the certainty left as it came, without leaving so much as a trace. Before the realization hit him, he got swept back into the memory – or the approximation of it – that was replaying in his dream.
"Why?" Eren asked.
Levi huffed, and Eren didn't know if he was laughing or sighing. His eyes were mirthless.
"Look at what guilt can do to someone," he said.
Eren didn't understand.
"What do you mean?"
Levi's laugh was a quiet sound coming from deep within his chest.
"Do as I fucking say, not as I do, eh? I've never been much of a role model anyway," he said, scowling at the stone floor. "Erwin saved me from despair, but I've never been the forgiving type, not even to myself."
With that said, Levi got up to make more tea, and Eren was left alone.
He was confused by Levi's words. He knew Levi had never said these things to him, but this was – a dream of a memory from long ago – irrelevant right now. He didn't understand what Levi was trying to tell him. Levi seemed to live without a care in the world most of the time, though Eren knew it wasn't true. Levi cared for the people around him. He worried about them. The fact he'd tried to comfort Eren, even though it was an awkward, clumsy attempt only served to prove that.
He'd said that he'd never forgiven himself. Eren didn't know the full story, though. He only knew someone close to him had died, but even that was hearsay at most. Had Levi lived his whole life since then with guilt? A disturbing thought hit him. So many had died. Did Levi feel guilty about all of them too?
Levi came back from the kitchen with a pot of warm tea. He put it on the table and sat down.
The following silence only lasted so much.
"Captain," Eren said, "I don't know what to do."
Levi took off the teapot's lid and looked at the beverage with a critical eye.
"It's up to you," he said. "You'll do whatever you fucking want, as usual, and that's the way it should be."
He put the lid back and stood up.
"Tea isn't ready yet. Why don't you wake up?"
Eren looked at his hand. It had stopped bleeding. In fact, the wound was nowhere to be seen.
"I'm sorry," he said, looking up. "What?"
Eren blinking at Levi when two strong hands landed on his shoulders. Levi was pushing him back against his chair, making room for him to straddle Eren's lap.
"I said," Levi said in a soft voice as he put his arms around Eren's neck, "you might want to wake up."
He was so close that his breath was fanning Eren's face, so close he could almost feel Levi's lips against his own.
Eren breathed in. He smelled tea and regret, and drowned.
Eren was slow to regain consciousness. He didn't open his eyes right away, basking in the sensations that blanketed him. His head was fuzzy, as if he'd been tucked in cottony wool, and his neck hurt a little. He was warm, really warm, but not uncomfortably so. One if his arms was around something solid, and he couldn't move.
When that something shifted, he realized that he was, in fact, hugging someone. Someone who had his arms around Eren as well.
Levi, Eren thought. Levi was still here.
Eren blinked awake, cautious not to move.
It was morning. Light filtered through the blinds, which meant they had probably overslept. Eren didn't remember what day it was, but he couldn't care less about getting in trouble for missing school. He'd managed to attend most of his classes in the past few days, though he hadn't been able to focus at all, lost in memories as they came back to him, piece by piece. One day wouldn't hurt.
He was more or less squished against Levi's chest, head tucked under his chin. Levi's hold was strong, stronger than his overall size suggested, even asleep, but Eren wasn't surprised. He should've known better. The captain had always been deceptively stronger than he looked, and military training or not, Levi was no different.
He could feel the slow rise and fall of Levi's chest, his breathing deep and regular. Aside from that, he was still, the arm around Eren's back heavy with sleep. Eren's head was resting on his other arm. He could remember falling asleep to Levi's soft stroking of his hair.
Their position made it difficult, and he had to lean back, just a tiny bit, so he could have a peek. He didn't want to wake him up, but he needed to make sure that this was really happening.
Levi was sleeping with his mouth closed in a more relaxed version of his usual scowl. His bangs were falling into his face, casting shadows over his eyes. His eyelashes were short and a stark black against the pale skin of his eyelids. In contrast, the skin below his eyes was puffy, making the color of his dark circles, tinged with blue, seem deeper in the faint morning light.
He looked just like in the memories, yet it was different. If they were any indication, the captain had never gotten much sleep. Even then, Eren had rarely seen him asleep. The few times he had, Levi's sleep had been superficial, when he wasn't simply resting his eyes – or faking it, depending on who you asked. The smallest unexpected noise would have him awake and perfectly alert.
Levi had told him that he had trouble sleeping. But here he was, fast asleep in Eren's bed.
It seemed like a dream.
Eren closed his eyes and breathed him in. He didn't smell like much – like clean laundry, maybe a faraway whiff of tea – all of which combined with Levi's natural smell to give off a scent that was familiar, comforting.
The past few days had been insane and taxing. He'd spent a lot of time stomaching the memories that had invaded his mind at first. After the initial shock had receded, when he'd finally managed to function on a basic level, he'd racked his brain over the matter. But he wasn't any closer to understanding what was happening.
Sometimes, remembering an event felt strange, totally foreign, like watching a movie, or maybe imagining a story told by someone else. But most of the time, they felt just like his own, like he'd been through these events himself, even though he knew he hadn't. The emotions he felt, as more and more memories made their way to his brain like they'd always been there, were genuine. In these moments, Eren wasn't sure what was real anymore. Which of these lives – this one or the other – which universe was the one he existed in. Both felt like a fever-induced dream.
They seemed irreconcilable, and he wasn't getting any closer to figuring out what was real or not, of the memories or his current world.
Furthermore, he'd been dreaming of them for years – mixing up things and confusing people and places, as minds would do while asleep, but still. How long had they been hidden within his subconscious, only accessible through distorted dreams? Had they always been there, at the back of his mind, just waiting for him to turn around and look?
As Eren pondered the nature of these new – yet ancient – memories, Levi's eyelashes fluttered. He let out a sound that was halfway between a sigh and a groan. Levi's hand found its way back into Eren's hair, and he tightened his embrace around him. Eren's face was squashed against Levi's sweater.
He didn't mind. Feeling Levi against him like this felt good, real. He smelled good, too. Levi's arms around him were grounding. Eren didn't plan on moving in the foreseeable future.
Levi was waking up. The slow rhythm of his breathing had changed for a more alert one, and the weight of the limbs around Eren was now deliberate. He was stiff for a bit, and Eren expected to be pushed away, but Levi slowly relaxed. The fingers in his hair started combing again, resuming their ministrations from the previous night, and that, too, felt good. Eren tightened his arm around Levi's waist and sighed, nuzzling closer.
He didn't remember entertaining these sort of feelings for his captain. The memories explained the familiarity he'd felt around Levi, but this?
None of what he could recall so far indicated that he'd been in love with the captain, but he thought he might have. Maybe he'd been too inexperienced to recognize his feelings for what they were then. After all, he'd always had a great deal of admiration for him. It was easy to confuse the two. Or maybe the respect he felt for Levi had been so great that he'd repressed the feelings. And of course, he could've been too distracted by the events happening around him, his priorities lying elsewhere.
Or maybe he'd just been dense.
As if Eren had been fixated on that part of him, a lot of the memories featuring the captain only highlighted how caring he'd been, behind the gruff exterior. Towards his fellow soldiers, but specifically towards Eren himself. He only had to close his eyes to conjure the captain's gaze, glaring at Eren, yet unable to hide his concern. The captain, asking how he felt. Trying to cheer him up, awkward but compassionate.
And kind, always so kind, if sometimes finicky and inscrutable. He'd known to treat Eren like the monster he was, but also like a human being, one whose opinion had worth. In the memories, it was obvious that Eren mattered in the captain's eyes, and not just because of his unusual abilities.
It was true in this reality as well. From the first time they'd met, Levi had cared, and he'd listened, even though he sometimes looked like he wanted nothing to do with Eren.
What he felt now – he was in love, wasn't he? These were his own feelings, not ones belonging to someone who was long dead.
Without thinking, Eren huddled closer. His hand slipped under the back of Levi's sweater and found warm skin there. He brushed his thumb against it – smooth but solid.
The motions in his hair halted for a moment, but soon resumed.
Eren didn't know where their boundaries stood anymore. Levi had let Eren kiss him, had kissed back, then had run away. He hadn't called for days on end, but had come as soon as Eren had wanted to see him. There was no other way to describe what they were doing, other than cuddling in Eren's bed.
In retrospect, after remembering so much, Levi's ambivalent behavior wasn't that hard to decipher. That was how the captain had acted after making a difficult choice, one that he didn't like much but thought was the one with the least dire consequences. It seemed Levi wasn't much different in that regard. If he wanted this but thought he should keep his distance – whatever his reasons were – Eren wouldn't let him run away.
He leaned up to hide his face in Levi's neck and breathed him in. He couldn't help but brush his lips on the tender skin of Levi's neck. Full body shivers were Levi's sole answer, but to Eren, it felt like a reward. He wanted to treasure each jolt, each shudder. Cautious, he planted small kisses on Levi's neck, slowly reaching his jaw.
Levi shivered again, not showing any other reaction, until the hand in Eren's hair grabbed at it and pulled backward.
He found himself staring into Levi's eyes. Levi was trying to glare at him, but still half asleep, he was doing a poor job of it. Eren felt self-conscious at being stared at like that. He knew he looked terrible. His bedhead was legendary, and his eyes were puffy from crying so much the previous night.
Levi's hair wasn't long enough to tangle during the night. His eyes weren't puffy like Eren's, though he didn't look completely awake yet. He looked perfect.
Eren saw the flicker of Levi's eyes to his lips, making his heart jump in his chest. He freed the arm that was stuck between them and careful, brushed away the hair obscuring Levi's eyes. He tried to tuck it behind his ears, but it was too short. Eren's other arm joined the first, brushing Levi's hair back, fingertips delicate on his temples.
Levi sighed quietly as he closed his eyes. Careful, Eren leaned up and kissed him. It was a cautious brush of lips on lips, nothing more. If Levi needed time, Eren would let him have it.
But Levi didn't seem to think he needed time. With a shuddering breath, he opened his mouth and nudged at Eren's lips with his tongue. Desire coursed through Eren like fire, and he was getting hard already. He let Levi in, who wasted no time brushing his tongue against Eren's, slow with sleepiness.
Like the first time, Eren had initiated the kiss, but Levi seemed to be the eager one. He wasn't slow anymore, attacking Eren's mouth, clumsy and earnest.
Eren wanted to moan but refrained. He didn't know how far Levi intended to take this. And yet, he wanted him so much he barely knew what to do with himself anymore.
Levi's hands were brushing up and down Eren's back, and his mouth was warm and silky soft despite the eagerness. Kissing him felt like taming a storm.
When he hooked a leg around Eren's and pulled him on top, Eren was already panting. He braced his hands on each side of Levi and paused. Levi's breathing was harsh. A frown twisted his features, and his eyes were darker than Eren had ever seen them – outside battle, that is. His dark hair was spilling like ink on the pillow's lighter fabric. He looked good like this.
Eren crawled up Levi's body so that he could reach his mouth and kiss him more. Levi's hands brushed up his chest, down his back. Eren was surprised when they cupped his backside and pulled him between Levi's legs. He was hard as well, and Eren felt overwhelmed by that knowledge. He didn't know if he wanted to cry or come right there and then, or make love to Levi for hours. Instead, he pressed into Levi's hips. Levi hid his face in the pillow as Eren left his mouth to place kisses against the skin of his jaw, his neck. A sensitive spot, if Levi's sigh were any indication.
There were suddenly way too many clothes in the way. Eren pushed a hand underneath all the layers and brushed Levi's side with a shaking hand, reveling in the feeling of warm skin against his fingertips. Levi squirmed a little under him, possibly ticklish. But he held his arms up to let Eren removes his clothes. Eren kissed his chest, focusing on his nipples for a bit before licking and nipping at his collarbone. Levi hid his face behind his arm when Eren cupped his dick through his pants, and let out a shaky sigh. He was mostly silent, but his gasps gave away how much he liked this.
He was beautiful.
Eren pushed Levi's arm aside, looking at their joined hands as he intertwined their fingers. He liked how they fit against his own, slightly larger hands. Had they always been so small? The captain's hands used to be deadly, causing so much destruction without their owner even breaking a sweat. He'd always found them fascinating. But that was then, and this was now.
Just like every single part of Levi, his hands were perfect.
Overwhelmed by the depth of his emotions, Eren brought Levi's hand to his mouth and kissed his knuckles. Then, closing his eyes, he dipped down to kiss Levi's neck, right under his ear.
"Captain", he sighed against Levi's skin as he thrust against Levi's erection through their clothes, still too many.
If Levi heard, he didn't comment on it, thrusting back against Eren instead, hard and wanting.
He went back to Levi's mouth and licked into it. They only separated when Levi's hand reached for the hem of Eren's t-shirt. Eren let him take it off, but they were soon colliding again. Eren ran his hands down Levi's sides as they kissed. Making out with Levi like this, skin on skin, felt incredible. But Eren wanted, needed more. He wanted Levi naked under him, around him, inside him, and stay that way forever.
After a short kiss to Levi's chin, he leaned back and looked at Levi's groin. He ran his knuckles along the hard shape he could see through much too thick jeans. The topmost button of Levi's pants opened easily. Eren let his hand linger there, glancing up. Levi was panting, watching Eren's hand and giving no indication that he wanted to stop.
Eren slowly finished unfastening Levi's pants. Levi didn't stop him, not even when he dipped his fingers inside his underwear. His eyes closed as Eren's hands circled his cock and pumped once, rewarded with a faint moan. He lifted his hips when Eren finished undressing him, taking both jeans and underwear off.
Levi seemed determined to get Eren naked as well, fumbling with his zipper, sliding his hands around his ass and pushing his remaining clothes as far down as he could reach. Eren wriggled out of them and promptly kicked them away without looking. He couldn't be bothered, not when he had Levi naked and willing in his bed.
Levi's cock was hard, flushed and wet at the tip. He was gorgeous all over, and like the rest of him, it was everything Eren had never known he wanted. Eren kissed him, noting that Levi was shaking ever-so-slightly. But Levi didn't seem deterred. He caught Eren's ass again, with bruising fingers this time, and pulled him closer, tilting his hips up to garner more contact.
Eren couldn't contain the moan that escaped through his lips. He knew they would need some kind of lubrication before long, so he spat in his hand and lathered Levi's cock with moisture. He did the same with his own, and yes. It was even better like this, the added slickness making everything more intense. It was overwhelming.
Once he'd built a steady rhythm with slow thrusts, powerful with intent, he kissed and licked at everything he could reach, Levi's throat, his mouth. One hand traveled along Levi's chest, brushing his hair away and gently palming a hard nipple.
When Levi reached between them and took both of their erections in hand to stroke in time with Eren's thrusts, he hid his face into Levi's neck. Levi's hand was warm and steady. He smelled good, like sleep and lust. Another hand grabbed at Eren's ass to make him move faster, and Levi's sighs gave way to quiet moans. Eren loved it, loved him so much.
One of Levi's moan caught in his throat and he went silent. Eren felt him shudder as he came, hand slowing around their cocks, and panted against Levi's skin at the change in rhythm.
"Captain," he said, and he was coming too.
His orgasm was longer, more intense than when he touched himself at night. It left him shuddering and tired. He lied down next to Levi, taking him into his arms and holding him close. Levi didn't resist, and ran his hand along Eren's sweaty back.
Levi didn't fare much better. His hair was sticking to his forehead. With trembling fingers, Eren brushed it away. He kissed Levi's temple, his nose. He kissed him on the mouth, and Levi kissed back.
When they parted, Levi's nose was scrunched.
"I feel gross," he complained.
Eren placed a soft kiss on his mouth.
"Hold on." He stood up from the bed but almost fell back down. "Woops."
His legs were wobbly, but he managed to reach the bathroom. He cleaned himself up as well as he could, then wet a clean washcloth with warm water and came back to the room. He bypassed Levi's hand, waiting for him to relinquish the wet cloth, and cleaned him up himself.
Eren glanced up at him. Levi was avoiding his eyes. He was frowning.
"You can take a shower, if you want," Eren said.
Levi didn't answer, and his frown deepened. He looked upset. Eren reached up to brush Levi's hair away from his eyes, but when he saw Levi tense, he let his hand drop on the bed covers.
Eren wanted to ask him what was wrong, but Levi stood up and, picking up his shirt, started getting dressed. Heart in his throat, Eren spoke.
"Are you going?"
Levi's back, turned towards Eren, was tense when he answered.
"I have to," he said as he fastened his pants.
Eren felt the hurt slice through him like a knife, but didn't say anything. He got dressed as well.
Once he was fully clothed, Levi paused. He retrieved his coat from the chair, and turned around. His face was blank. That was a look Eren had seen before.
"I'll call you," Levi said, his eyes intent on Eren's. "I will."
Eren knew he meant it, but it didn't prevent anxiety from creeping up his throat as he came closer and took Levi's hand in a light hold.
"Okay," he said, giving a light squeeze.
Levi held Eren's gaze and nodded. Less than five seconds later, he was opening the door.
And just like that, Levi was gone.