I think I could need this in my life and I think I'm scared, I think too much. I know it's wrong, it's a problem I'm dealing if you're gone.
- Matchbox 20, If You're Gone
Donna knocks on the glass door to Harvey's office, hesitation stalling her as she waits for an acknowledgement to enter. They're both exhausted but Harvey came out of the night far worse off. He'd stayed at the hospital waiting for Henry to show up and god knows how long he'd spent there afterwards, giving what little comfort he could and trying to find out how much extensive damage was done. She'd at least managed to go home and get a couple of hours sleep but she still fights a yawn as he glances up with nod.
She pushes forward on the door entering with a sympathetic smile. "How you holding up?"
He shakes his head, the answer rhetorical as he leans back in his chair meeting with a view of the overcast sky outside. The forecast predicted storms and if it wasn't for Louis now being on paternity leave he might have actually conceded and taken his first day off in years. As it stands he's only tackling urgent queries and his gaze drifts back to her pale features. She looks almost as bad as he feels but he refrains from making the comment worried it might sound offensive. "You should take the afternoon, go home and get some rest," he instructs scrubbing a hand over his rough stubble. He should really do the same, at least shave, but for once vanity is the last thing on his mind.
"I will, soon." She agrees moving into the seat opposite his desk. With all the chaos going on she isn't surprised he's forgotten about their client drinks and she crosses her legs affording him a gentle reminder. "I just wanted to let you know that everything is set for tonight. The final list is sixty in attendance and Louis said he'll be able to pop in and make a quick appearance."
Shit.
He'd completely spaced about the event and pinches the bridge of his nose grateful for her diligence. It's not something they can exactly cancel. The whole point of putting it on is to assure people there won't be any ball-dropping with Louis away and he flinches realising his Armani is still at the dry cleaners waiting to be picked up. "I need to get-"
"Already done." She smiles, preempting he would ask about the tux. "I sent Cameron out about an hour ago and told him to drop off the Clarkson papers on his way. Then when he gets back I suggested he forward the rest of your calls to Samantha or Alex, whoever is available first." Despite the wording it wasn't a suggestion and she clasps her hands together with a raised eyebrow, "I know, you don't like the idea but you need to get some sleep before tonight."
He's too tired to even feign surprise at the level she's operating on. It's beyond his comprehension but before he can thank her the curve slips from her mouth and his shoulders tense in response.
"There is one other thing. Barnaby from H&B Carter called, he said given the circumstances he'll be the only one in attendance tonight." She hesitates, knowing anything to do with the Carter's is a potential minefield but wanting to show her support regardless. "Has there been any word on Drake?"
Harvey stiffens at the mere mention of the man's name. There's no way he could've foreseen the accident but Henry's grief was heart breaking to watch and he feels responsible for creating a rift between the two men. "Still in a coma," he answers gruffly, "the doctors said it will be a few days before they know anything."
"I know you don't like him-"
"The guys a piece of shit Donna." He interjects sourly. After the phone calls and threats he received 'not liking' would be an understatement.
She catches the flash of anger in his gaze and holds up a hand in defense. "I was just going to say that I'm sure Henry appreciates your support and if you want to talk about it, I'm here to listen."
He instantly feels like a jerk for snapping, an apology riding on the tip of his tongue but he swallows it scared more will inadvertently spill out. He wants to talk about what happened, what he was about to say ti her before Sheila went into labour, but the hangover from hell is a far cry from the bravado alcohol gave him. Instead his thoughts are tangled in a web of anxiety and he flexes his fingers trying to shake out the adrenaline. "Donna, about last night..."
She can hear the change his tone and the softer note immediately puts her on edge. Since sobering up she's avoided thinking about it. They're in a good place now and this is what they both want. There's no sense ruining the past several months because of one drunken slip up. "Harvey it's okay, we don't have to do this."
"Do what?" He asks genuinely confused. She doesn't look angry, just resigned and in some ways that's worse than the reaction he was expecting.
"Talk about it." She chooses her words carefully keeping them light and reassuring, "nothing happened we don't need to turn it into some big thing."
The dismal stabs sharply through his chest catching him off guard. He never thought he'd be the one in this position and the irony that he has no idea what to do or say isn't lost on him. "Right." His throat is dry like the Sahara desert and he tries swallowing the discomfort to little avail. If she notices the reaction her expression remains impassive to it and he quickly shakes himself free of the hold. "So we just move passed it."
"That's how this works isn't it." There's no malice or judgement and it isn't a question. She doesn't see the point in complicating it and pushes up from the chair with a delicate smile. "I'll organise some flowers for Henry then I'm going to take off, unless you need me to do anything else?"
He shakes his head because there isn't anything else left he can say. The words are bricked up behind that goddamn wall of fear and regret, the one that's closing in rapidly and he doesn't make any attempt to stop her from leaving. God only knows how he's managed to fuck this up so badly but he has and he smothers his face with a frustrated sigh. Maybe he hadn't been ready before but Louis was right. He should of tried instead of being such a fucking coward.
A roar of thunder claps around the office and his gaze snaps up zeroing in on Cameron who's back awkwardly trying to find a place for his zipped up tuxedo. The task Donna assigned him. It's the smallest of things but he can't get over it and when he catches a flash of red departing it takes him far too long to realise what he should be doing.
Fuck it.
He pushes up from his desk waving off whatever Cameron is trying to say as he breaks into a slow jog.
Shit.
He misses the closing door by a heartbeat and slams the button, his pulse thudding as the car opposite him arrives with a ding. He has absolutely no idea what he's doing, too exhausted to rationalize it, but he steps inside rocking awkwardly on the balls of his feet.
The ride down takes forever and he glares at everyone who enters pushing his way through once they reach thr ground. The lobby is unusually quiet save for the irritated voices behind him and his eyes scan the area, his heart leaping into his throat at the emptiness.
He can't be too late and picks up speed as he clears security throwing himself into the revolving door. A flash of lightening illuminates the street as he swings out into the rain spotting her about to get into a cab. He calls out to stop her, his breath falling heavily as he runs to catch up with her.
"Harvey, what the-"
"I don't want to move passed it." He holds her gaze with a deadpan expression, "I don't want to keep getting this wrong and I know that after everything I have no right to say it but I do, I want more." The words break free with another roar of thunder and he stands in front of her wearing the vulnerability so he can face her reaction. "I was wrong, I don't have everything I was just too much of an idiot to realise it."
She's shocked into silence, frozen in place as she blinks the rain out of her eyes watching him do the same. She can't process what he's saying or the desperation in his gaze until the cab driver speaks reminding her to breathe again.
"Excuse me miss, in or out?"
She glances back at Harvey feeling her world tilt on its axes. "I-"
"Donna, please."
She stares back at him feeling the blood rush to ears but instead of feeling elated, anger floods her body. He doesn't have the right. After everything she went through, all the doubt and uncertainty, convincing herself that he would never feel the same... he has no fucking right to stand there and say it now. Her hand slams the car door closed and she barrels forward stepping up onto the curve to face him. "What, Harvey?" She snaps, her tone accusing as pushes his chest, "what can you possibly say to back all the ways we hurt each other because I for once can't think of a single-"
He steals the protest from her mouth with a bruising kiss, his mouth clamping over the wetness of her lips as he drags them together in the rain. He doesn't care about the raging storm. Even as the sky opens up all he can feel is the warmth of her skin body pressed flush against his chest. He can barely comprehend it, they way her fist balls his shirt with the same need.
Above them lightning strikes again moving in closer and he feels a strange sensation rush through his veins, almost like he's slipping. He doesn't want to give in to it but another clap of thunder shakes the ground and his eyes snap open forcefully.
...
His head shoots up from his desk the echo of the storm loud in the silence of his office and it takes him several seconds to get his bearings. He should be wet but his clothes are bone dry and he suddenly realises he was dreaming. He must have fallen asleep after Donna left and his gaze darts to where Cameron is fussing with his tuxedo, trying to find space for it on the desk.
His finger instantly flies to the intercom. "Cameron, is Donna still here?"
The young secretary shakes his head and he removes his hand from the buzzer raking it back over his exhausted features.
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
An ache spreads throughout his chest and he turns toward the rain hitting the floor to ceiling windows. It had felt so real, too real, and he reaches for the phone on his desk contemplating calling her but he stops himself. What he needs to do is go home and get some sleep. He'll be able to talk to her at the drinks later tonight and he shuts down his laptop resolving to make good on the promise.
It's time to come clean about how he really feels.
AN: If the show can throw in a dream sequence I can too :P Also for some reason I haven't filled out the next chapter like I did with the rest so it might take a little longer to post but I'll try my best to get it up in a couple of days :)