It was okay, Levi told himself, as he let Eren into his apartment. Eren took his shoes off upon entering the place. He obviously remembered well.
Eren offered to make tea. Levi wanted to refuse. But Eren protested, saying that Levi had made tea for him when he wasn't feeling great, and Levi relented.
It was okay, he told himself as Eren busied himself in his tiny kitchen. Okay if Eren made a mess – but Eren was careful, and anything spilled was promptly wiped with a kitchen sponge found near Levi's sink.
It was only water.
He thought it was okay, maybe, to let Eren into his life like this. Of course, having someone that would truly get you was a good thing, Levi knew that. But if that someone was him? Difficult, moody, avoidant, particular? Burdened with memories that had neither rhyme nor reason, when Eren had to deal with his own? Yet Eren, despite his own shortcomings, knew how to get through to Levi like nobody else could. They'd been through so much together before. It was easy to understand each other.
Levi didn't have much to offer, but Eren had made it clear that he wanted to be here.
Levi had never wanted anything for himself. He tried not to let it, but the thought that, maybe, it was okay to want this settled in his mind like it belonged there.
Eren soon handed him a cup full of warm tea, and sat next to him on the couch.
"I like your place," he said. "It's bigger than mine, in better shape." He laughed. "Also, cleaner."
"Yours was okay," Levi said.
"Sure," Eren said, "but there only so much you can do to clean when the ceiling crumbles on your face while you're asleep."
Levi glanced at him. "You're joking."
"I wish I was," Eren said, grimacing.
Levi scrunched his nose and scowled. "Gross."
"Don't tell me. I never fell asleep on the couch ever again."
They fell silent. Levi took short sips to test the tea's temperature. It was still too hot to drink, but it did wonders for his cold fingers. He already felt warmer. But still, his hold on the cup was tight, and his hands were shaking.
"Eren," he said.
Eren's eyes shot up from over his cup.
"Yeah?"
Levi put his cup down on the coffee table to avoid any spills. "What are you going to do?"
Eren watched him attentively for a moment, a frown on his face. "About what?" he said. "The memories? I don't know. Life goes on, I guess."
Levi was staring at the lazy plumes of steam slowly rising from his cup.
"Don't know," he repeated slowly. "'Don't know' as in...?"
"As in 'I don't know the future'." Eren's eyes followed Levi's line of sight to fall on the steaming cup as well. "Nobody can. The future is whatever we make of it." His voice was quiet.
Levi glanced up at Eren, but the latter didn't seem to notice.
"What do you remember, exactly?" Levi asked, not caring that the switch in topic was a little abrupt.
"Almost everything, I suppose, but I'm not sure. The memories haven't stopped coming yet" Eren said. "You know what, it's weird, now that I think about it."
"Weird?" Levi said.
"A lot came to me at once," Eren started, "but after that was over, I kept remembering bits and pieces at the weirdest time. Without notice."
Levi took his time taking this in, pondering over his next question. His eyes fell on a pillow from the couch. There was a loose string on one edge.
"Was there an order?" he asked.
Eren shook his head.
"I'm not sure. The memories that came at first, I could tell – they were about moments that had a strong emotional impact. Then it was smaller moments, like random conversations. Most were irrelevant but in retrospect, some were pretty important. I just didn't know that when they took place."
Levi let the information sink in.
"I see."
He retrieved his cup from the coffee table and took a sip. Still too hot. He put it back there.
"It was the same for me," he said. "Once I started remembering, it felt like they'd always been there, just waiting for me to reach for them."
"Like books in a library?" Eren said.
Levi shrugged.
"Or a photo album?" Eren went on. "Like each photo makes the relevant memory come back, but you have to look at it first."
"Something like that," Levi conceded.
They fell silent, both lost in thought.
"I was wondering," Eren started, something cautious and contemplative in his tone. "You said you remembered when you were twelve, right?"
"Yeah," Levi said.
Eren glanced at Levi, but was quick to avert his eyes when he saw that Levi was watching him as well.
"That..."
Eren trailed off, looking uneasy. Levi knew what he was hesitant to ask.
"After my mother died," he said, voice quiet but unwavering.
A frown appeared on Eren's face. He was still avoiding Levi's eyes.
"It's okay," Levi said. "It was a long time ago."
The conversation died down again. Levi, waiting for Eren to speak again, absentmindedly pulled on the loose thread.
"Do you think," Eren asked after a while, something soft in his voice, "that it was what triggered the memories?"
Levi shrugged.
"Possibly. It doesn't matter."
Eren was tapping a finger against his knee.
"But maybe it does," he said.
"Why would it?" Levi asked.
"Well, we're both here," Eren said. "What if there are others?"
Levi, abandoning the thread, picked up his cup again. It didn't feel as hot against his fingertips.
"Yeah, maybe," he said, before taking a sip. The temperature was perfect. "It's not like we could easily find them. There are seven billion human beings out there. They could be anywhere, and they might not even remember."
"Yeah," Eren said. "But what if they do?"
Levi glanced at Eren. He was frowning, his expressive eyes downcast.
"I mean," he said, "nothing tragic happened to me in the past few months to trigger them, yet the memories hit me hard. I was lucky you were there." He raised his head to look at Levi. "You were alone when it happened to you, and not in the best place. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. "
Levi's hands tightened around his cup.
"You're looking at it from the wrong angle. Maybe it doesn't need to be tragic. It can be a simple thing."
Their eyes met.
"Like the face of someone you once knew?" Eren said softly.
Levi stared at the worn wooden floor of his apartment before looking back at Eren.
"What else could it be?"
Eren's shrugged in an unaffected way, but his shoulders were hunched. He was avoiding Levi's eyes now. He looked antsy as shit, as if he'd been caught doing something he wasn't supposed to.
Unannounced, a memory from another era came to the forefront of Levi's mind. Eren's friends doing a piss poor job with the cleaning the safe house. Eren gracing everyone with what could only be described as a minor freak out. He'd almost fought Kirstein over something ridiculous – was it potatoes? Levi couldn't remember. Acted like disappointing Levi was the worse thing that could ever happen to him. Levi had felt oddly touched then, but there were more important matters to attend, so he'd never addressed it.
"Is there something you want to share?" he asked Eren.
Eren's face was sporting a visible flush, despite the healthy tan of his skin.
"Do I – " Eren said, frowning at his hands, which were sitting limp in his lap. "Do I really need to say it?"
Levi just stared, making Eren sigh.
"Okay, right. Well, if you really wanna know," he said, words a little stilted, "I–"
He stopped then, and muttered something before scooting closer to Levi. He gently took Levi's cup from his hands to set it on the table.
Levi's heart was suddenly waking up from its lethargy, beating strong enough for him to feel the electrifying course of adrenaline through his body. There was an arm behind him, on the back of the couch, gentle fingers holding his.
His heartbeat quickened as he peered into green eyes.
When Eren had started to make him feel this electrified and alive, Levi didn't know.
"I'm not sure what I was expecting," Eren said, "but here goes. I –"
He stopped again, and with a tired sigh, leaned closer, hand light on Levi's shoulder, fingers brushing against his neck. Closer still, until his hair was tickling Levi's skin.
He was so close Levi could smell him – shampoo and deodorant and warmth.
Eren's lips brushed against the skin of Levi's jaw as he spoke.
"I think, deep down, I wanted to remember, because I was in love with you."
Levi felt like cursing, like saying, are you fucking kidding me, Eren. But he leaned back and peered at Eren's serious face, and everything – his annoyance at the ridiculous confession, his equal amusement, deeper concerns and doubts – was lost to the look in Eren's eyes.
Eren was frowning, his lips drawn in a line thinned by anxiety. He looked scared, more scared than Levi had ever seen him, and strangely vulnerable.
Levi had thought about this before. He'd wondered about Eren's feelings, and decided it was better not to think too hard. He didn't know for sure how Eren felt about him, aside from the obvious physical attraction and a smidgen of leftover hero worship that he'd be dumb not to see. He would have been stupid not to see Eren cared about him. Eren had always cared.
But this? Eren looked so serious about it, like he was with everything that meant something to him.
And there Levi was, always certain, deep down, that the dedication Eren had shown him throughout their shared existence was a gift he'd done nothing to earn. He didn't deserve half of what the kid had given him in this life or another, and he was given even more? Given something so important?
He'd never felt so unworthy.
"You're such a shithead," was what finally came out of Levi's mouth.
He meant to shake his head along with these words, to roll his eyes and hide how off balance Eren's confession threw him, but somehow, he couldn't. Captivated as he was by the worry etched over Eren's features – Eren, who was maybe scared of the rejection that he thought would follow – he couldn't avert his eyes.
Levi had never been told he was loved before.
He couldn't help it. He found that he didn't want to drive Eren away. He didn't want to turn him down.
Next thing he knew, he had a hand around Eren's neck, bringing him closer. Eren's arm went around Levi's back, his frown softening, and Levi closed his eyes.
Eren's mouth, delicately brushing against his, unsure and light, felt full of incredulous reverence.
Levi let Eren take them there, because he wanted to follow, even if he didn't know if it was the right thing to do.
But maybe, he thought as his tongue brushed against Eren's and his fingers intertwined into his hair, maybe this was okay too.
He soon found himself gently pushed against the couch. Gentle, Eren's kisses and Eren's hands, always so gentle. His lips against the skin of Levis neck. The comforting feeling of his solid body against Levi's – yeah, okay, he could live with that. But Eren wasn't doing anything, wasn't moving. He'd just stopped, face hidden in Levi's neck.
"Levi," he said, voice muffled.
He sounded breathless.
Levi made a noncommittal noise in answer, gripping Eren's sweater and willing him to do something at last. He didn't trust himself not to be equally out of breath.
"Now would be a good time to stop me," Eren said. "That is, unless you want me to go on."
Eren, Levi decided as he overturned him, was a little shit. Levi wanted many things right then. Stopping wasn't one of these. Hadn't been for a while now, if he had to be perfectly honest. He was tired of being confused at so many things, his own fucking feelings included, tired of blaming everything on his inability to process what he felt. Of being so unsure of what he wanted.
He straddled Eren's hips and leaned down for another kiss.
Maybe Levi wasn't the best at expressing himself. But maybe he didn't need to explain anything. Eren didn't seem to mind. He let Levi in, lips already wet and pliant.
Levi wanted this. Eren, splayed under him on the old couch. Eren, eyes glazed with something Levi was still hesitant to name. Eren, doing a bad job at keeping himself in check, muscles twitching when Levi ran a hand that wasn't trembling under his sweater, along his side. Eren, closing his eyes and letting out tiny noises when Levi ground their hips together. Eren, hard for him, pushing his clothed erection against Levi's, making him equally breathless.
Eren surged forward, sitting up as his arms slid around Levi to bring him closer. He started kissing a trail along Levi's neck.
Levi's sigh caught in his throat when he felt wet warmth line the seam of his ear.
"Captain," Eren whispered.
Only a breathy whisper, and yet, Levi felt himself shiver.
Eren just smiled against his skin before traveling further down his neck.
Levi hated how easy it was for Eren to get the better of him like that. And yet, strangely, he loved Eren for it.
His hands were back under Eren's sweater. They went over ribs and muscles that felt solid – despite the absence of intensive training. They mapped Eren's back, curious but careful. He'd been in no state to do this last time, when Eren had deserved it then, deserved better than what Levi had to offer, always. Levi could only make up for it by giving the best he had.
One of his hands went to the back of Eren's neck. He ran his fingers through thick hair that was softer than it looked. The other traced Eren's hip bones, his skin warm under Levi's hands. Eren nipped at Levi's collarbones then, and an intense spike of want had Levi's dick strain against his clothes.
He meant to sneak a hand into Eren's jean's to get at more skin, but there was only room for Levi to slide a couple fingers under Eren's belt. Being denied access had a mix of desire and frustration surge within him, intense and greedy. His other hand, deliberate and cautious before, fisted into Eren's hair as Levi ground down. Eren's sigh against his skin was only rousing the fire.
"Captain," Eren said, the title, a soft moan fanning breath against Levi's skin.
Levi's hand tightened in Eren's hair. He knew it shouldn't, but there was something in the way Eren said his former title that drove the blood in his veins wild. Eren sucked the tender skin of his throat, and Levi ground down again, harder, and again.
The moan that escaped Eren's lips was high-pitched this time, almost a whimper.
"Captain," Eren said, something like a warning in his voice.
But Levi didn't want to stop. He was hard and horny. He had Eren under him, between his legs, hard and wanting. He had no reason to stop.
Suddenly Eren's hands were at his waist, gently pushing him away so that there was space between them again.
There was enough room now for Levi to take a proper look at Eren's face.
Eren's breathing was harsh, shaky. There wasn't much light in the room, but it was good enough for Levi to see Eren's eyes, dark and hazy. His hair was a mess, sticking out in the places Levi had touched it. His skin was burning when Levi brushed a finger along his cheekbone. There was a small frown on his features. He looked overwhelmed.
There was something about watching a debauched Eren from above that made Levi's heart sing.
I did that, he thought, I made him like this, and he likes it.
He said he loves me, was his next though. Levi didn't know what to do with that knowledge, or how it was supposed to make him feel. It was all to huge for him to know how to deal with it.
There was nothing he could say, but it was okay. Levi had always been more eloquent through his actions.
His hand traveled down, until he could raise Eren's face, fingers delicate under his chin. He brushed his thumb along Eren's mouth. His lips were wet and Levi wanted to kiss them more. So, he did.
When they parted, Eren released a deep sigh. Levi had just started kissing his throat, when Eren spoke softly.
"Maybe," he started, "do you –" and stopped there.
Levi's mouth was busy licking its way down Eren's collarbone, so he couldn't reply.
"Hmm?" Levi said against Eren's skin.
Levi reluctantly leaned back when Eren's hand that was running through his hair gently tugged at it.
The look of unadulterated affection and want on Eren's face had Levi's chest fill with something he wasn't sure he wanted to voice yet.
"Bed?" Eren simply asked.
Yes, Levi thought.
He stood up from Eren's lap. Eren took a few seconds to follow suit. Levi didn't miss how he slightly adjusted himself in his pants. He could see Eren's erection barely hidden by the thickness of his jeans. Not bad.
When Levi looked up, Eren was watching him as well. Eren raised his eyes to meet Levi's gaze, and offered him an apologetic smile that was just this side of coy.
Levi guessed he didn't fare much better.
Eren took Levi's hand when the latter reached for him. He followed without a word into Levi's small bedroom.
It was even darker in there, but Levi made no move to turn on the light. Instead, he maneuvered Eren to sit on the bed and straddled his lap again.
"You like this," Eren said, a small smile dancing on his lips as his hands went to rest on Levi's waist.
Eren was right. But as he watched Eren's smile widen, Levi decided that commenting on the fact Eren had noticed was unnecessary.
They gazed into one another's eyes. Looking into Eren's darkened eyes like that, without a filter between them, was unnerving, Levi found. In the darkness of the bedroom, their green seemed black, deep like the night sky. The light from the nearby streetlamp, sneaking in through the small window, gave them a glimmer that reminded Levi of tiny stars, shining against the immensity of space.
Levi didn't think himself a coward, but he'd been taught to choose his battles. Despite the bravery he knew he possessed, this was too much. Levi couldn't face the void.
He closed his eyes, and let Eren kiss him.
Eren's hands wandered. They ventured down, squeezing Levi's thighs, before coming up again. They slid under his shirt and deft fingers tickled the naked skin of his back. Warm palms brushing against his nipples made him jolt.
Eren snorted then. It annoyed Levi, but it was okay. This was Eren, always eager to earn Levi's approval. Levi knew he didn't mean to ridicule or hurt. Eren was much too genuine, much too righteous for that.
And Levi could play this game too.
He pulled Eren's sweater up. Eren raised his arms without a word.
Once he had him topless, Levi pushed at Eren's shoulders, until he had him lying down on the bed. He ran his hands up and down Eren's chest, noting when he tensed or relaxed under him. He learned how Eren liked to be touched, and noted with no uncertain amount of satisfaction that he wasn't the only one who was ticklish.
Eren sat up after a while, and pushed his warm hands up Levi's sweater.
"You too," he said.
His quiet voice made Levi shiver. He let Eren remove his upper garments without protest. He didn't say anything either when Eren started unfastening his pants.
It was easy to stand up and remove them, leaving him in nothing but his underwear, which was just as easily taken care of. Eren had already started undressing, making it even easier to slide his remaining clothes down his legs. Easier still, to come back on the bed and sit in Eren's naked lap.
Levi shivered again at the contact of Eren's skin against his own. He was annoyed at himself. They'd been like this before. It shouldn't affect him so much. And yet, he relished how pent up it made him feel. He didn't remember ever feeling something like this, and he didn't think he'd ever get tired of it.
He couldn't help the shaky breath that escaped him when Eren put his hands on his bare hips.
Maybe it was okay to relinquish control, when it was here, in bed with Eren. Levi knew Eren wouldn't try and take advantage of it. They'd been through too much together.
From Levi's waist, Eren's hands moved to his ass, lingering there. Cautious fingers slid into the dip beneath his buttocks, feeling, exploring, brushing and squeezing in turn. His hold, almost fluttering against Levi's skin at first, turned stronger, bringing him close, as close as possible, until they were flush against each other.
Levi felt Eren's hardness pressing close to his own, and took a deep breath.
This. This was good.
It was easy to find a rhythm. Easy to let Eren kiss him breathless again and again. So easy, to let tension build up between them. Easy even to lose himself in the moment, which wasn't something he could recall doing, ever. Coming to care for Eren had been easy, then or now, but this – this, Levi had no more words for.
Levi's hand went down to take Eren between careful fingers, earning him a soft moan. He liked the feel of him, silken, heavy warmth fitting just right in his hand. He loved how Eren would tense as he stroked in rhythm with their slow shifting, how he would strain towards more contact, and kiss Levi hard enough to bruise.
Eren's hand joined Levi's between them, halting his motions. He sucked on Levi's lower lip as he rearranged their hands around them both, and moaned against Levi's mouth at the new sensation. He seemed to like this. Levi could see why. The feeling of warmth was good, and overwhelming.
Eren's fingers were wet, providing a glide to their movements. Levi wondered if he'd used spit again. He absentmindedly noted that he should buy lube some time, but the thought was fleeting, gone in a moment.
Eren's sigh turned moan rebounded in the small bedroom like a warning. Levi leaned back to watch his face. His eyes were closed, his eyebrows, scrunched in a blissful twist.
He seemed close, cock pulsating against Levi's palm. Levi tightened his hand, fingers rubbing against the underside of Erens cock with purpose. He wanted Eren to come for him, knowing that he'd taken him there.
At Eren's gasp, he pulled gently and took the head of Eren's cock into his closed fist. Eren lowered his forehead to Levi's shoulder and kissed his clavicle.
"Yes," Eren breathed into Levi's neck, and he was spilling between them.
Levi let him ride through his orgasm, hand slowing as Eren's sensitivity increased. He let go when Eren started nuzzling and kissing his neck, removing his hand from the sticky mess.
He barely had time to grab tissues from the stool he used as a nightstand. He meant to wipe his fingers, but Eren was kissing him, still a little breathless but recovering. Levi let his hand fall back to the bed covers, careful not to touch it with the wet parts. He still felt pent up, and Eren's tongue in his mouth, brushing against his own with skill matching his enthusiasm, was distracting. He could wipe his hand later.
Eren seemed to have other ideas. Levi felt a dizzying moment of weightlessness. When his back hit firm fabric, he realized Eren had laid him down from his lap into the bed. Levi opened his eyes and looked down.
Eren was kissing his way down his throat, his chest. He took Levi's cock, still covered in cum, into his hand and started stroking slowly. Levi, who was throwing dirty tissues in the general direction of the trashcan, glanced at him with a badly concealed jolt. He tried to glare, but at that moment, Eren grabbed him by the hips and slid the tip of his cock between his lips, and he had to close his eyes.
The feeling of wet, velvety warmth was incredible against his already heated skin. Eren's thumbs were stroking the dip at the juncture of his hips and thighs. His hands moved to gently scratch at the sensitive flesh inside his legs, before gently pushing them further apart.
Eren let go of Levi's cock for a bit, running the tip of his tongue under the head as he settled between his legs. It wasn't long before he took him fully into his mouth.
Levi had been close before, but he was now feeling like he was about to lose his mind. The high pitched whine that escaped through his lips was probably pitiful, but it seemed distant to his own ears, and already, he felt himself tense all over.
Eren might have felt it too, because at this moment, one of his hands left Levi's hips to intertwined their fingers.
It was all it took.
Release hit him, dulling all sensations bar from where he and Eren were connected. He could feel Eren's hand, tightening around his. Eren, who kept his mouth on him throughout his orgasm, gripping his hip tight, guiding him through it.
Before long, Levi was spent. Eren let him go, and Levi noted that there was no mess to be found. The implications left him light-headed.
Eren crawled up the length of the bed. He opened his arms and motioned Levi to lie against him. Levi felt too exhausted and boneless to object.
Besides, he found that he wanted to be there.