1 October 1611
I found a penny I have lying around and a pretty dress to wear that fits well enough. I have no idea how I'll get out of the house for the night and go to the play, but I'll think of something.
Oh dear, what if it's dark when I get back? I won't be able to go home and I'll have to stay with Dolora and Simonn and (most importantly) Sigmun! For the night! Maybe I'm overthinking this, but even the most careless of parents would be shocked, at least a bit upset. I know I've done this before and I'd be sleeping on the couch (which I cannot complain about because it's extremely kind and it's a very comfortable couch), but…! (There is no better way to express my feelings right now.)
I wonder what it would be like to kiss him, though. I wonder how soft his lips are, how warm his body must be, how his hands would feel buried in my hair. I wonder if I'd feel that dexterity he has when he writes when he touched me, of if I'd feel his tenderness when he held me. I have wondered things like this almost ceaselessly for a long time and I wish I could just kiss him and then I'd know.
I bet his arms are strong and sturdy and everything I love about him. I bet he's wonderful to kiss. And I bet he loves Neolla and I'll never find out.
2 October 1611
What a day! It's late and I'm at Dolora's like I guessed. Luckily I remembered to stash this journal in my bag. I told Mother the seamstress had told me I had to work late tonight and she believed me enough to let me go. I told her I might stay the night and she told me that if I got pregnant she'd kick me out on the streets. Who does she think I am? Honestly.
So I met Simonn by the butcher's and we met Dolora and Sigmun by the road to the theater. While we were walking there, Sigmun's hand brushed mine and I thought he might grab on for a second, but he didn't. Maybe it was an accident. We all had our pennies and everything, so we got in right away. I absolutely love the theater, and so do my friends, so we were all just excited to see the play. Simonn was being sarcastic, of course, because that seems to be his default response to things, and Sigmun was really excited to be there. I know how much he loves theater. Dolora looked so nervous for all of us, because she's always treated Simonn and me like she has to take care of us, too. I think it's because Mother doesn't care about me and Simonn's parents are so busy they don't worry about him much, either, and she knows it. There are days when I go to Sigmun's house after a bad storm or something and she hugs me so tightly it almost hurts, like she's making sure I'm not a ghost. It's more than my own mother ever does.
Anyways, the play was amazing! It was about a fairy queen and a fairy king and a fairy named Puck who was honestly not very good at his job (mostly making people fall in love) and these four people who just keep getting confused because Puck's not very good with magic and Lysander is running away with Hermia, but Demetrius is chasing them because he's supposed to marry Hermia but she doesn't want to marry him (I can completely understand how Hermia feels). And then Helena loves Demetrius, but he's not terribly kind to her (poor girl), and then Lysander and Demetrius both love Helena because Puck did something wrong, but she thinks they're mocking her (and I can see why) and it all becomes a huge mess and over on the side there's a few people who fail badly at making a play of their own. And someone named Bottom gets a donkey head, falls in love with the fairy queen, and then the king steals the queen's changeling! That seems fairly awful to me, honestly. All a woman really has in this world is her honor before marriage and her children afterwards. Taking her child seems horrible to me. But the king (Oberon) takes the child anyways. And since he got what he wanted, he releases everybody and Hermia and Lysander get married, and so do Helena and Demetrius. I quite like the ending because it all turns out well and it's all very funny. I love comedies. All the actors were amazing, too! I loved the whole thing.
We walked home when it was dark and Dolora told me that there was no way she was letting me walk home in the dark and I could have the couch. Simonn was already planning on staying over, so Dolora made tea for all of us and then those three went to bed and I stayed up with a candle and this journal. But it's late and I really ought to get to bed. I'm sure I'll have one of my dreams with Sigmun tonight and I don't know whether to be happy or ashamed.
3 October 1611
I did have one of those dreams and I'm not sure I should feel so guilty but I do anyways. Also, I panicked when I woke up because I forgot I'd spent the night here and I thought someone had kidnapped me or I was going insane. Then I realized I was at Sigmun's house and therefore I really shouldn't be panicking because nothing bad has ever happened to me here. And then I remembered the play and everything and I nearly started laughing because it was the most fun I've had in a long time. I mean, my days with my friends are fun, but there's always Mother looming over me. I wish she'd stop trying to shape my life to be like hers! She's tainted almost everything I do, from spending a day with my friends to having a crush. She's ruined everything!
But I don't want to focus on that right now. I'd rather think about good things, like the fact that I have my best friends and that we saw a wonderful play and there are so many things in my life that are good and happy. I don't see the point of focusing on the negative; I never have. Well, except when it comes to myself, but I actually am that ugly and outspoken and unfeminine and everything else Mother says I am.
It'll probably come back to bite me some day, this optimism. But I don't really care.
4 October 1611
It's getting cold out and we can go outside even less. I hope it'll snow soon. I love snow! I've heard in some places it never snows and the leaves never turn and there're other places where it never gets warm and people wear winter clothes all year long. I much prefer the variety of where I live.
How can I tell Mother I need a new shirt again? My chest is growing at an alarmingly rapid rate and it's embarrassing because I can't hide it anymore. I'm just worried about what Sigmun and Simonn will think. We almost looked the same as children, except my long hair. Now I look different because I've started growing in shape, because my chest is growing out and my hips are defined, as well as my waist. I've been growing far too fast for about half a year now and I hate it. I'm shaped like a girl and it gets more pronounced by the day. Sigmun and Simonn look like boys, growing muscles and getting broad shoulders like men do. I'm just afraid that they won't want to be my friend anymore. I'm afraid to loose my best friends. I'm terrified.
5 October 1611
Mother just sighed when I told her. I don't know my inherited traits from my blood parents, but I'll bet anything they include stupid-looking, big, olive-colored eyes and ridiculously hard to brush, thick, curly, hair and a humiliatingly large chest. Mother glares at me whenever I mention something to do with my figure and I don't know why. At a guess, I'd say she's jealous, but who would be jealous of me? I'm ugly and unfeminine and nobody. I'm nothing worth being jealous of.
Sigmun was sick today, so Simonn and I went to the clearing and raced each other up trees and across the grass. It's childish (I'm "of marrying age" and Simonn is too), but I still love races. I almost wish I'd never fallen for Sigmun so things could be like they used to, before I couldn't stop thinking about him and burying the dreams I can't control anyways.
I told Simonn and he just nodded. "I bet he likes you, too."
"Don't be stupid."
"You're the one being stupid here."
"You could just tell me, I know you know if he does or not."
"But I can't say. Swore I wouldn't say anything. How dumb are you?" Simonn's not big on compliments, but it's his way of showing friendship.
"I'm smart as you! It's not my fault all boys are morons."
"Well, I swore I wouldn't tell you anything."
"So…you like me?" (I know how to get my friends to tell me things.)
"No!"
"Then who does Sigmun like?"
"I can't say!"
"Who do you like, then?"
"I already said."
"Hannah, right. Get her flowers!"
"No!"
"Oh my goodness, Simonn. You'll never get anywhere with her unless you do something."
"She's too good for me!"
"You don't know if you never try."
"But…!"
"Fine, I'll drop it. But don't tell Sigmun!"
"Don't tell him what?"
"That I like him, stupid!"
"Alright, fine. But you've got to do something, too!"
"Fiiine."
So I guess not I have to do something, but heaven knows what.
7 October 1611
It's so funny when Dolora calls Sigmun "little love" or "little one" or "darling" and he gets so red in the face and sometimes I'd swear he glances at me sometimes, but I could just be crazy. That's more likely.
Today we tried drawing and Simonn is a wonderful artist! I can't say the same for Sigmun or myself. I'm certainly no artist and Sigmun's drawing of a flower looked rather like a cloud with a leg. But Simonn completely pinpointed the cover of the book he was drawing! I don't know how he does it.
I tried to draw Sigmun, but I kept messing up so I drew the cover of my journal instead (by memory). I think it's recognizable, sort of, except I am hopefully the only one who's seen my journal since I got it, so I couldn't ask Sigmun or Simonn.
Oh, and I had the strangest dream. There was this girl, a bit older than me, and another girl a bit younger. They both looked like people I knew for some reason and the older girl was carrying a newborn child. I didn't say anything and neither did they. They both looked surprised to see each other, and the older girl nearly fainted when she saw me. I wonder what that was all about.
8 October 1611
We went to the village today and met Orvill and Grantt and Candas. Orvill said he wanted to be called Orphaner because Orvill sounds stupid. I think Orphaner sounds cruel and scary, so I might stick with Orvill, at least in my head. There are enough orphans around without someone making more.
Candas scares me a little, too. When she talks about her plans for being queen, she's got this manic sort of look I don't see on anyone else. When Simonn gets passionate, he stars gesturing a lot and making less sense, but he looks excited. Sigmun speaks very eloquently when he's passionate about something and he always looks enthusiastic and it's so clearly heartfelt. But Candas gets this insane-looking spark in her eye that scares me a good deal. She's going to be ruling the whole country soon! Our village is less than a day's walk from the palace (which is why Candas comes here), so we feel the full force of the king (queen soon enough). I'm afraid of what we'll feel when she rules our country.
But of all of them, Grantt is the scariest. He doesn't talk much, but he always sounds a little bit out of it. In and of itself, it's not that scary, but what really chills me is the way he says things like, "Five hundred men died in the war last week". He says it like it couldn't possibly matter, like those men were disposable. He's going to be the second most powerful person in the country and I am terrified of what that could entail if human life is so unimportant to him.
Candas asked me why I dress the way I do (I've been trying to wrap my chest and it hasn't been working as well as I'd like) and I just told her I didn't like how I looked without wrapping and she laughed and told me that I could make good money if I didn't! What on Earth? Does she think every village person can't afford dinner?
I might actually talk to Mariek or Neolla next time I see one of them, because they grew up before I did and they might know. And Neolla plans on pretending to be a boy named Nelson to go to school in the city, so she's bound to know. I'll see them soon and then I won't have this problem anymore.
9 October 1611
I was in the market today (because I had to run errands for Mother) and I was by myself and this man just walked up to me and put his arm around me and said, "Hey there, sweetheart." I didn't know what to do, so I tried to get away, but he didn't seem to notice. His breath smelled like alcohol and tobacco and his fingers were greasy and slimy. "Get off me."
"Sugar, why don't you ditch the shopping and come have a drink with us."
I wanted to scream, or slap him, or something, but I was too afraid. Instead, I picked up my bags and ducked out from under his arm and walked home as fast as I could. I'm really upset about that and I don't know if that's okay. He's a man, though, so doesn't he have some sort of right to do that? That's what Mother says. I feel that it was wrong, but I'm sure Mother would disagree. On the other hand, she doesn't go into the village. How would she know? I don't want to tell Dolora or Sigmun or Simonn because they'd get all worked up over nothing. I'm sure it was nothing.
10 October 1611
Neolla told me that if I want to wrap my chest I'd have to pay a lot of money for a special sort of cloth that wouldn't give you cuts and make you unable to feed children later. She had some, but just enough that she'd be able to dress up as a man to go to school. The nearest cheap school is boys-only as a strict rule and she can't afford one further away. Mariek laughed and said that I had a great figure and I ought to show it off.
"Are you serious?"
"Oh, come on. You've got boobs and hips and everything. You dressed different, you'd have every guy in the village after you."
"But…I don't want every guy in the village after me!" Maybe she likes when drunk men flirt with her?
"Not the drunks. I mean the nice guys. You'd have a couple drunks, too, but most every guy would want you."
"I…I…I don't even want to get married until I'm older though!"
"Really, Dianna," Neolla said. "You think she's serious?" I blushed really red and she added, "Who's the guy?"
"W-What d'you mean?"
"You liiiike someone. Who is it?"
"No one!"
"Right. I'll pretend I believe that," Mariek scoffed.
"Look, I don't want to talk about it."
"Fine. Whatever," Mariek said.
"How on Earth do you cope with the men?" She does dress the way she said I should, so I figured I might as well ask her. And also change the subject away from love.
"Oh, it's easy," she said. "If you mind, just don't go anywhere alone. When I don't feel like flirting, I wander around with Neolla here."
"You wander around with me because you actually like me."
"Bonus. Anyways, if you don't want to have guys all over you, chop off your hair and wrap your boobs or just walk around with one of your boy toys."
"What?!"
"Simonn or Sigmun, hello?" Neolla said. "Mariek just doesn't know the difference between a friend and a suitor."
"Look, I'll just go to the market with Simonn and Sigmun and I'll be fine, right?"
"If you don't mind people saying you're a prostitute."
At that point I made some sound of frustration and Neolla patted me on the arm. "Mary's kidding. You'll be fine if you don't go anywhere alone. Oh, and never go out alone at night." (She calls Mariek Mary sometimes.)
"I'm not stupid, I know what happens to girls who walk around alone at night."
"Alright. Hey, as long as we're all safe," Neolla said. Then we talked about some gossipy stuff and Neolla invited me and Simonn and Sigmun and Hannah and Mariek to her birthday tomorrow. I think it'll be fun.
11 October 1611
Today was Neolla's birthday! She invited a bunch of us over for a nice dinner. Neolla's family has money, unlike Simonn's or Sigmun's or Hannah's families. They're not rich like Patrik or Grantt or Candas, but enough that Mariek and Simonn and Sigmun and Hannah and I could come for dinner. Dolora stayed and talked to Neolla's mother and they looked all motherly, but I heard them talking and they were all gossipy like my girl friends and I can be. I wonder if boys gossip?
It was great fun at Neolla's because we were all having fun and laughing and just enjoying life. I don't get a lot of pure happiness because of Mother and I savored it while I could. We just had stew with a little meat in it and potatoes, and a nice cake. (Much better than the one we made for Dolora.) It's times like that, when I'm with my best friends and my friends and the people I love, that I actually think I might have a family. Not a blood family like most people, but a heart family. More like Sigmun and Dolora. A family at heart. How odd.
12 October 1611
Does marriage make two people family by blood or at heart? Or both? Because marriage is a joining of two hearts (or so I'd like to believe), but children make the couple bound by blood, do they not? I'm never sure of anything these days. Well, except my friends. I am certain about friendship.
We went hiking today and it was nippy and I felt (still feel) great. We climbed up one of the hills to the top where there's a twisted old oak and we climbed it and sat in the tree and the wind was blowing through my hair and I hadn't wrapped my chest and I just felt good. I could breathe properly and everything and I don't think Sigmun or Simonn even noticed. Well, I thought I caught Sigmun looking at me, but I'm not going to get my hopes up. That's happened to me too many times for me to let it happen again.
13 October 1611
Names are funny things. It's all in the way someone says it. When Mother calls me by name, it's the worst insult you could call someone. It's like "Diyana", all nasal and awful-sounding, and I can tell she spells it with one n. But when Dolora calls me by my name, it's either three short, sharp, scolding syllables (when I do something dangerous), or long and motherly with "dear" after it, like "Dianna dear." Simonn always says my name quickly, like he's got something more interesting to follow it with (and he usually does). And Sigmun says Dianna like a compliment, all sweet and soft with two n's like I spell it. My village friends say it all excited, the way I say their names, like we haven't seen each other in years. I'm not sure how I say my own name. I'm proud of my first name. Dianna—the huntress, the goddess. I like the shape of the words and I love the "Di" part and I refuse to take it the way my mother says it. But my last name is shameful. It's the noble family who keeps so many in poverty, who hurts people and doesn't care. I'm not like them. I don't want to be like them. I don't tell people my last name, and if I do, I say it all funny so it's unrecognizable. Different enough so it's still my name, but it's also my name.
What if I did marry Sigmun? I'd be Dianna Vantas. I quite like that. Sigmun and Dianna Vantas. I'd love to be able to say "Sigmun and Dianna" like husband and wife. Not like "Mr. and Mrs. Sigmun Vantas" but with both our names. Sigmun and Dianna, Dianna and Sigmun. Now I've thought on it so much I'm sure to have one of those picnic dreams tonight. I'll keep dreaming about walks and picnics and kisses and hands and I'll keep being embarrassed until I can get him out of my head, I'm sure of it.
How am I supposed to do that?
14 October 1611
I was right. A swimming dream. I do love swimming in that little eddy of ours, even though my skirt weighs me down and my hair gets heavy and tangled. It was summer in the dream, July I bet, and it was just my usual swimming dream with just Sigmun and I. I don't want to write about it now, because I'm tired and today was more interesting than one of those dreams, anyways. (And maybe, just here, I'll admit I'm embarrassed about it.)
Today, soldiers searched the village. They were recruiting servants for work at the palace. Well…recruiting. More like enslaving. Sigmun and Simonn and I are all at risk and we were in the village when we saw the soldiers marching. Sigmun panicked and grabbed my hand and I grabbed Simonn's hand and the three of us sprinted away. But somehow, a soldier pinned us as "wrong". Illegitimate, poor, female, I don't know which ones of they latched onto or why, but as we started running, there was a man on trail chasing us like we were his prey. We were his prey. Simonn was in the lead and must've known we'd get caught if we stayed in the village, because the guard or soldier or whoever was faster than us. So he did the only thing he could do: he pulled us away from the village and into the forest.
Nowhere near Dolora's, of course. No one's that dumb. I ended up in front and I pulled us towards the third clearing we've found, the one full of briars and pricklies. I could hear the man behind us, crashing through the woods as we pulled ahead because we all know the woods like the backs of our hands. Suddenly Sigmun turned sharply right and pulled Simonn and I into this ditch he must've known was there, because it was invisible otherwise. Simonn and I, since we were all still holding hands, basically flew into the ditch. I sort of landed on top of Sigmun and Simonn landed next to me, but I couldn't move because there were so many leaves; I'd make a sound. So I was stuck with one arm and leg and half my body sprawled over him and I could feel him and his heartbeat was so calm and I couldn't help but wonder how.
But anyways, the man ran right past us and into the clearing and he started shouting that he'd kill us if he found us. I was properly scared and I was shaking really badly, but Sigmun put one hand on my back and pressed just hard enough that it felt safe. I reached out for Simonn's hand and Sigmun took Simonn's other hand so we all knew the others were safe.
We didn't move until the man had long since gone and it was getting dark. My chest hurt from lying face down for so long and my friends were stiff and sore. It felt like it was freezing out because we were all in summer clothes, and Sigmun's nose was bleeding. He must've hit himself on something when we landed. I asked him if he was alright and I think he blushed (though I don't know why) and said he was fine. He sort of covered his nose with one hand and said he'd walk Simonn and me home. Everything about him seemed to stay away from us, physically speaking. We went to Simonn's house first, then mine. I got close enough to my house to see it, then I told him he ought to go before Mother saw him. So I hugged him one more time and he turned headed for home. I slipped in without Mother noticing and made it to my room without getting yelled at. The whole thing left me rather scared. What if it happens again and we don't make it out?
Is it weird to be obsessing over how much of him I could feel when we nearly died? He's got such strong legs, all fast and able and everything. And I could hear his heartbeat because my head was near his chest and it was so calm and steady. I've always wondered if he'd be a kind husband, or a clever one, or a funny one. I'd guess he'd everything at once and I think the word I'd use to describe him would be "loving".
15 October 1611
We went down to the river today and it was too cold to swim (obviously), but we weren't there to swim, or even to fish or something. The point was to test out the swing.
We can't cross the river except by swimming, and that's really dangerous because of the current. Our eddies that we swim in do not protect us crossing the river. But the other side of the river is only part of the woods we haven't explored yet. So we made a rope swing over the summer, two actually, to cross the river with. The current is lowest now, just before the snow, so it's safest to test the swing.
I climbed the tree and crawled out into the best limb to hang the rope from. Simonn tossed the rope up to me and I tied it on. Sigmun was going to be the one to test it out. If it worked, he'd also have the second rope to swing back. Then we'd link the two ropes and make a sort of bridge to cross the river on. And if it didn't work, we'd fish him out of the river and just try again later. Sigmun's the best swimmer of us and the least afraid of swinging across the river, so that's why he was testing it.
I got the knot all tied as tight as I could and I dropped the end of the rope to the ground. I stayed up in the tree in case I had to jump into the river. Sigmun climbed onto the rope and Simonn pushed him as hard as he could. I was nervous when I watched because the river gets pretty cold in winter. Sigmun got to the top of the swing's arc and jumped for the other side.
He didn't quite make it. I had to jump into the river and grab him around the waist to pull him out of the current. Simonn tossed us a third rope he'd had the foresight to bring and I gripped that rope, too. Simonn pulled us out of the river and Sigmun started coughing water up so Simonn whacked him on the back and he coughed really hard and then stopped.
"Are you alright?"
More coughing. "Yeah. Fine."
"You know," Simonn said dryly. "I don't think it worked."
"You don't say," Sigmun answered, coughing again.
"Right, well, we just need a longer rope," Simonn said. "Or Dianna could tie it closer to the end of the branch."
"I think the second one," I said. "It's a really strong branch, it should hold."
"Can we wait on testing it again for a couple days?" Sigmun asked.
"Yeah," I said. "Come on, let's go get something to eat."
I hope it works better next time. It was pretty scary pulling my best friend out of a river. At least he didn't start drowning. I have no idea what I'd do if Simonn or Sigmun started drowning.
And, of course, what I can't stop thinking about was the feeling of his stomach under my arms when I had to wrap my arms around his waist. He's all muscles, I think. He probably doesn't have fat to spare, because Dolora is not rich. On the other hand, neither does Simonn. But he's all wiry and skinny. Not that that's a bad thing (I sound horrible right now), but Sigmun's just so handsome and so clever and so brave and so determined and I just love him.
16 October 1611
I had the swimming dream again last night. I almost always remember my dreams and this one more than most. The swimming dream is probably my favorite, even though it's the one I feel most guilty about. I don't want to write it down, but I also don't want to leave anything out of this journal. So here it is.
I always realize what's going on when I'm walking down to the river with Sigmun. The dream starts before that, I suppose, but I never remember it. I'm holding his hand and it's soft and warm and his grip on my hand is firm, but also gentle. It's usually just before sunset, judging from the light. We get to the river and dive in and we just kind of splash around for a bit and for some reason my skirt doesn't feel so weighed down like it usually does. Then, usually when the sun starts setting, he swims over closer to me and we float right next to each other and he kisses me and I don't usually remember how it feels, but I know it feels wonderful. And we have to hold onto each other tightly because we're floating in a river and I feel his hands brushing other parts of me besides my back and my hair and I don't remember that too well, either (I suspect part of it is my mind repressing it), but I still like it. In the swimming dream, I'm not always wearing a shirt and he hardly ever is (which is mostly why I didn't want to write about it). I guess the swimming dream is a guilty pleasure because I always wake up feeling happy and ashamed.
17 October 1611
We figured out a new plan for the rope today. I'll hang it farther out on the limb and we'll practice on land first so Sigmun jumps off right. It'd be so fun to actually build a bridge! Right now the plan is to fasten the two ropes to branches on opposite side and string them parallel so we can weave more rope and sticks and whatever else we can find between them and make a sort of sky-bridge-thing. We'd have to climb trees to cross, but that'd protect the bridge and anyways, when you've grown up with the forest as your playground, you can climb trees.
Dolora sighed nervously when we told her we needed more rope. I think she's worried the bridge'll break and we'll drown or something. I just want to see the other side of the river. I can always see mulberry trees and black raspberry bushes and I think it'd be great to have berries, and anyways, black raspberries with milk and sugar are my favorite treat.
19 October 1611
We're testing the swing again tomorrow. I hope it works this time, because it was not fun fishing Sigmun out of the river. And it was pretty scary! Even if I didn't love him like I do, I would've been worried and scared. I wonder if they could tell how afraid I was. My friends say I'm brave, but I'm not. I'm afraid so often that it's a wonder I do anything at all. I'm so confused about myself that anything I do end up doing makes me full of self-doubt. I know this, I know that I must be able to do something right, and I know it equally as well as I know that everything I do will go wrong.
I wonder if Mother has done this to me. It's just…Mother criticizes me for things my friends don't care about, and they compliment me for things Mother says I shouldn't be. Sigmun and Simonn and Dolora have complimented me on my beauty, my brains, my sense of humor, my bravery, my strength, my writing skills, my outspokenness, my kindness. I tell them thank you, but they're wrong. I'm just not anything good. That list didn't help anything; it's highlighted for me everything that's wrong with me.
It's funny, though. I don't care that all that stuff is wrong with me; I'm still going to meet my friends and speak up for myself and stand up to Mother. I guess I'm just too stubborn to give up the things that actually make me happy.
20 October 1611
The swing worked! We managed to string the two ropes across the river and no one got dumped in the water this time. Sigmun jumped across and he climbed the other tree and tied the second rope on. Which prompted the question of how we were going to get the ropes across, which Simonn had luckily thought of. He tossed me a rock and I tied it to my rope, while Sigmun tied a rock to his rope, and we threw them to each other. Sigmun missed the first time, but caught it the second time, and we tied the ropes on nice and tight. Then he had to make it back across, which involved this whole harness system I thought of and Simonn designed and Sigmun built. And that was pretty nerve-wracking because it was my job to help him off the harness without falling into the river again.
He climbed onto the branch and we got his harness undone. We were going to keep it so we'd be safer building the bridge, but it fell into the river and no one really wanted to go get it. No one was going to risk the river for a few feet of rope.
By then, it was getting dark and Simonn, who is honestly much more reasonable than Sigmun and I combined, shouted that me better come down from the tree before we froze to death or fell into the river. The sun was setting when I walked home and I think it'll be fun building up that bridge.
22 October 1611
It was warm today, so we worked on the bridge. We found sticks and planks and ropes and anything else there was and we got a good eighth of the way across. I was a little skittish about the bridge, but the two of them were fine and in the end, I was too. I don't know why my nightmares sometimes haunt my days; I know they're just dreams.
Simonn's going to have another little sibling soon. He wasn't going to tell us, but Sigmun and I could tell something was on his mind. He says the new one will arrive in five months or so. I wonder if they'll survive. Simonn only once talked about his siblings that didn't. Apparently, he's had two sisters and a brother die before they turned five. I wonder what would happen if Simonn did have another sibling. He's already the oldest; would his parents even notice him? He says his father is kinder about noticing than his mother. I wonder if he'd rather have my mother, hovering over everything and sharply criticizing every mistake or "mistake" she finds. I'd certainly rather have his father.
I wonder how Sigmun feels about his birth parents? He doesn't really talk about them, likely because he probably doesn't remember a lot. The only reason I suspect he remembers anything is because his last name is Vantas, but Dolora's is Maryam. None of us have normal families, but sometimes I think that works out better for some than others.
23 October 1611
We went to the market today. I met Neolla and Mariek and Hannah in the park while Simonn and Sigmun went off with Sumner and Patrik. Mariek's older than me and Hannah is a bit younger. Neolla's in between Mariek and me.
"I'm going to go to school next fall," Neolla said.
"How're you gonna manage that?" Hannah asked. "Yangsley's only takes boys." Yangsley's is the local school. I guess she didn't know about Neolla's plans.
"I'll dress up as a boy and call myself Nelson," Neolla said. "I can get my father to vouch for me and everything."
"You guys all want education or something!" Mariek teased, rolling her eyes. "I'm going to be a pirate."
"A pirate!?" Hannah exclaimed. "I just want to get married!" Hannah's rather like what Mother wants me to be, except she doesn't criticize what our other friends want to be.
"Yeah, a pirate," Mariek said. "Can't a woman support herself?"
"Yeah," Neolla agreed. "Why d'you think I'm going to school?"
"Wh-what do you think, Dianna?" Hannah asked me. I think she wanted someone to validate her.
"I think whatever you want to do with your life is perfectly fine." Because it ought to be! A woman ought to be able to be a pirate or a scholar or a housewife or whatever she wants to be. A man should be allowed to be a pirate or a scholar or a stay-at-home husband or whatever he wants to be. Why does no one else see things this way? It seems like it's just the eight of us who think things ought to be different. Even Candas doesn't see it this way, and she's going to be the queen! I hope to heaven that something can be done.
24 October 1611
It sounds horrible, but we're planning something for All Hallows' Eve. (I'm exhausted; I think that's why I let myself get talked into this) I know it's bad to pull pranks on people, but I think this'll be funny. And it's not on anyone who'll care. We're just going to put soap in the town fountain. It's a small one, and it won't hurt anyone. We just need soap. And I have an idea where to get some.
25 October 1611
I hope this isn't one of those things that seems like a good idea at the time. The day after All Hallows' is All Saints Day and the whole town will be celebrating that. Hopefully Mother will be gossiping with some village women and I'll be able to escape her and the giggling girls who will be like Mother or like Mariek's mother (who is a gossipy woman and a very archetypal mother) someday. I think sometimes that part of the reason I don't like them is because I'm afraid I'll end up like them. Fear doesn't always mean shaking hands and sweaty palms, I've discovered.
I've never really done anything like this before. I don't really know what to think of it right now, because it's harmless and at the same time it's fairly dangerous. That is, we will be in so much trouble if we get caught. And Dolora doesn't know, either. It was Simonn and Sigmun's idea, but I'm helping, too. We'll be pulling it off the night of October 30th because the fountain goes on in the morning. I hope Mother doesn't find out.
26 October 1611
Today we were reading a history book to each other and I was sprawled in front of the fireplace, half-asleep, and Simonn was reading while leaning up against the bookcase, and Dolora was working on a dress of some sort, when suddenly Sigmun put his face right over mine and shouted, "WAKE UP DIANNA!" I kind of screamed and Dolora smiled to herself (I don't know why) and Simonn threw the book.
"What was that?!" (I was napping!)
He smiled, all mischievous like he is sometimes, and he said, "You were sleeping just when we got to the part about Marathon."
"So?"
"That's when it gets interesting!"
"I was napping, Sigmun! I didn't sleep a lot last night."
"Why not?"
"No reason." I had a nightmare about all of them dying at the king's hand while I watched. I wasn't about to tell him about that.
"Oh, come on, why not?"
"I had a nightmare, why else?"
"Oh."
"Next time, could you try warning me before you start shouting?" Simonn grumbled. "I'd rather not throw books around."
"Uh…sorry."
"It's your turn to read anyways," Simonn said, handing the book to Sigmun. "I'm gonna get some water." We don't usually eat at Dolora and Sigmun's house because they have so little anyways.
"Fine." Then Sigmun started reading and I couldn't fall asleep because I like the sound of his voice too much.
27 October 1611
Mother and I got in an argument today. When I got home, my dress was dirty because it was what's likely the last warm day of the year, so we worked on the bridge. I suppose Mother thought I'd been doing something she doesn't approve of (heaven only knows what, that list is endless), because she stood in front of me, blocking the way to my room, and said, "Where have you been, young lady?"
"Work, Mother."
"What sort of seamstress's work involves dirtying this already awful dress?"
"I like this dress! It was just muddy on the road, that's all!"
"I know what you get up to, consorting with those friends of yours!"
"What friends?"
"Those girls in the village, that awful Natalia or whatever her name is—"
"It's Neolla, Mother!"
"Who wants to go to school, of all things, and that Mary—"
"Mariek!"
"Who's so promiscuous, going around with all those men, and that Hannah whose family has no money! The only respectable person you're friends with is the heiress to the throne!"
"You could at least bother to know her name! It's Candas!"
"How dare you be so disrespectful to the princess!"
"Because she's my friend!"
"And you never speak with Patrik!"
"Because I don't want to marry him!"
"You're not going to get anyone better! You're not anywhere near pretty enough for any other man in the village to look at you twice!"
"I don't care! Then I just won't marry anyone at all!"
"That is not an option, young lady! How dare you talk back to your own mother! I've heard you say the most awful things in the village, about how women ought to go to school and get an education and all sorts of ridiculous things! Haven't I told you enough times that you're far too outspoken and far too opinionated to ever have a husband?"
"I'm sorry for thinking differently from you!" (Mother hates when I'm sarcastic like that.)
"And there you are again with that sarcasm! You're the worst daughter a mother could ask for! Heaven forbid you wear anything even remotely feminine or brush your hair or at least try to wrap your chest!" (I gave up on that once I realized the only people who care are drunk men in the village. And once I got a bodice that fits properly.)
"What's wrong with my body?"
"You're ugly and far too busty and not nearly pretty enough to attract any men on your own!"
"How do you know that?" I know Sigmun doesn't like me, but she doesn't.
"If you mean that skinny boy with more siblings than his family can afford, he is far too poor for you to marry! And if you mean the boy with no father who lives in the woods with that awful 'educated' mother of his who follows you around, he is not one appropriate to marry for one of your social status, even though you can't seem to act it!" Does she think my best friends might love me that way? Can't I be friends with boys with nothing romantic between us?
"You know what? You're not my mother! You've never been my mother! You can't accept that I don't care about the same things you do!"
"How dare you! I have raised you for more than sixteen years and you have never appreciated me!"
"Because you haven't raised me! I haven't spent time at home with you except for dinner since I was seven!"
"You used to spend all your time with those horrid boys and that educated woman!"
"You never even bothered to learn their names!"
"Because you should never have spent time with them!"
"They made me better, Mother!"
"They made you worse!"
"If you had your way, I wouldn't have any friends at all!"
"Maybe then you'd learn some respect for your mother!"
"Just let me do what I want for once in my life!"
"You're being horribly disrespectful! Go to your room!"
"Fine!"
"And don't come down for supper!"
"Fine!"
I think arguments with Mother wouldn't wear me out so much if she wasn't right.
28 October 1611
Today I was trying not to be too upset (because that was my worst and most tiring argument with Mother in a long time as I spend most of my time avoiding her or blocking her out), but of course my friends noticed. They always notice! I guess I can't be surprised, considering that I always notice when they're feeling down. Simonn asked what happened and I just told them I had a fight with Mother. They know how wearing my fights with Mother are. It's just really tiring, that yelling. And I didn't have dinner, so I was hungry, too. I don't think Mother knows how much fighting with her wears me down. I suppose I have to admit I don't know how it affects her, either. But she knows she's not my mother and she knows I care too much about my friends.
We started on a physics book today. Physics is a new sort of science that talks about how things move and I think it's pretty interesting. Except whoever wrote this one huge book on it, Principia, wasn't too concerned with making simple sense. But Simonn's quite good at breaking it down for Sigmun and I, just as I break down language books for them and Sigmun takes apart history and ideology books for us. I guess we all have our strengths. As far as I can understand, there're three laws about things: they stay moving at the same speed in the same direction or stay still until something pushes or pulls them, they move more if pushed or pulled more, and two things put equal force on each other when you push or pull on them. Simonn got very excited about this and I find that very endearing (in a platonic way).
Also, Sigmun showed us calligraphy and he did my name and I thought that was also very endearing because he was so careful with the letters and he did that thing when he wrinkles his nose because he's concentrating and he was holding the pen really tightly (I guess to keep from messing up) and I just love how he looks when he's focused on something he cares about. He's radiant when he's like that! I need to stop thinking about him, though, or I'll never be able to focus.
Mother didn't speak to me today and I didn't speak to her. At least I got dinner.
30 October 1611
I got to Sigmun's early today because sometimes Dolora gives us chores to do and we had to make sure we'd done all of them. And because I am a horrible person, I heard Simonn and Sigmun talking and I listened again.
"Is all you ever worry about girls?" (That was Simonn.)
"No! Excuse me, how often have I brought her up? Maybe once a week at most!"
"Yeah, but you've been obsessing over her for months now! Just do tell her already, moron!"
"I can't!"
"And why not?"
"Because I know she doesn't love me, okay? I know it."
"Look…how about we stop yelling at each other and cooperate to solve all of these issues?" Simonn sounds so formal sometimes.
"Okay. Fine. So, the main problem here is that you love someone, and I love someone, and both of us know that the other one's crush does in fact like them back while knowing that their own crush does not."
"I can't think of a more confusing way to put it, but yeah. Basically."
"So who's right?" Sigmun asked.
A long silence.
"I don't know."
Another long silence. "Why is she so perfect? It's just not fair." (Sigmun sounded really lovesick and I know it's horrible but I'm really jealous of whatever girl he loves.)
"You sound like a lovesick twelve-year-old."
"Shut up!"
"I don't moan about Hannah, do I?"
"You do! Just last week you were going on and on about how she was so sweet and so shy but also so beautiful…"
"Shut up!" (Simonn was really embarrassed.) "Look, Dianna's probably here by now."
"Fine. I'll go check." I knocked on the door just as Sigmun opened it and his face went from the face he has after arguing with Simonn to the one he has when he's a little bit flustered (which is incredibly charming).
"Hi!"
"H-Hi," he said, and I don't know why he was stammering. I want to believe it's because he's nervous around me, but I know that's not true. But his smile is just so captivating! He makes me want to faint and at the same time it's like a rush of energy. I wish there was a word for it.
I told Mother I had to work late again and Simonn's parents don't have work, so we all said we were staying over. Once Dolora was asleep, we went into the village with the soap that I took from Mother's cabinets and dumped it all into the fountain and it was exhilarating! I'm almost afraid to go into the village for All Hallows' Eve tomorrow, but at the same time I can't wait. Here goes nothing!
31 October 1611
Oh my goodness. I went into the village today with Mother and I had every intention of escaping her right away but the fountain was absolutely full of bubbles! I mean, they were everywhere! And the ground around the fountain was so slippery that people kept falling over (no one got hurt) and I felt really bad for laughing, but almost everyone was laughing. I could see Mother trying not to laugh, and that is saying something! I saw Simonn with all his siblings and he was covering his mouth with one hand and I saw Sigmun with Dolora and his whole face was red from not laughing! Dolora also looked about to burst from keeping it in and I have a feeling she knew it was us and didn't particularly care. I hope Mother didn't realize.
Anyways, the entire town had to avoid the fountain or risk slipping and falling for the rest of the day and the man who maintains the fountain (I have no idea if that's his job or what) just flushed it out with water and someone cleaned up the square so we didn't hurt anyone, not really. From the look of it, I think most people thought it was pretty funny.
I think I know who painted Mr. Tailor's house, though. Only Mariek would do something that mean.
Mother took me to the park, where she met all these women with daughters my age who giggle at everything at kept pointing at men they thought were good-looking. None of them were as handsome and Sigmun and I bet none of them were nearly as kind or funny or sweet or smart or honest as him. Actually, Sigmun walked by and I asked them what they thought.
"Who, the skinny one or the short one?" one of the girls, I think Mary, asked.
"The short one." The skinny one was Simonn.
"He's alright. Sorta…short, you know?" one of the other girls, Joan, said.
"I think he's quite handsome. Anyways, he's sweet and funny and quite smart."
"Does he have money?" Mary asked.
"No."
"Then why bother with him?" yet another girl, probably Elizabeth, asked.
"Because what's the point in marrying a man with money if he's just going to use you?"
I got a lot of strange looks. "You're an oddball, Dianna," Joan said. "Oh, look at him!"
I am an oddball, but I'd rather have my sweetheart crush and friend for a husband than any of the men they were looking at. So I waited until they were ignoring me again and I slipped away to find my real friends. I've never spent time with all my friends at once before. Sigmun, Simonn, Hannah, Neolla, Mariek, Candas, Grantt, Orvill, Patrik, and Sumner were all there. I don't know why Grantt and Orvill and Candas bothered coming here; the celebrations the city must be so much nicer. I have no particular desire to live in the city, but I'd love to visit.
Anyways, we all chose a spot in the park and stood around there. People were handing out flowers and sweets and that was especially nice. I ended up with a few flowers I wove into a little bracelet (a trick every little girl learns in the village) and several sweets I ate right away before Mother could bug me about ruining my figure. We don't have a parade or anything for All Hallows'; everyone just gathers and there're sweets and flowers and it just feels sort of festive.
But it got late and dark and we all had to go home. Since Hannah and Mariek and Neolla and Patrik all live in the center of town, they went their way while Candas and Grant and Orvill headed for the road. Sigmun and Simonn and I live in the same direction from the town square, so we walked home together. And Simonn's house is in the village, so eventually it was just Sigmun and I walking home alone.
He had a flower from earlier and I don't know why, but he pushed my hair back (I always let my hair fall in my face because I know I'm not pretty) and he tucked the flower behind my ear. He has the gentlest touch of anyone I've ever met! He was so tender and delicate and it was just so sweet! It was all tentative and careful, like I'd slap his hand away. I was blushing so red my face felt like it was on fire! He didn't say anything, but he sort of dropped his hand and smiled awkwardly, like he was embarrassed, and then turned left where I had to turn right. I can't even think right now! I had to hide the flower from Mother, but I'm not getting rid of it. I'm sure he was just being friendly, and no boy would keep a flower anyways so why not give it to a friend, but I do wish it meant that he loves me. Oh well. I guess I know that's never going to happen. I wish and I dream, but I know in my heart of hearts that my dreams will never come true. Any of them.