Stand Up For Us

by sciencegeeky

The Disciple, before she was the Disciple, was Dianna Leijon, a short girl with a crush, two best friends, and a hell of a lot to prove to her mother.

6. Whispers

1 February 1612

I had that stupid nightmare again last night. In this once, he was kissing me when I starting sinking and he pulled away from me like I was a snake and when I tried to kiss him again, he covered my mouth and said, "You're so stupid! I can't believe how gullible you are, you useless thing! Useless, helpless, hopeless!" He shoved my head underwater and I couldn't swim up and I couldn't breathe, but I fought for my life. Nothing came of it and I woke up afraid and breathing hard.

They weren't whispering today, but Sigmun looked surprised when I walked in and I think he was thinking about their secret. I don't even have a clue of what it might be! I just wish I weren't so in the dark about things.

2 February 1612

My chest hurt today for some unknown reason and that was just generally irritating, especially because there is not a thing I can do about it. I can't lie on my stomach anymore, especially to sleep, and that's also annoying. I thought women are supposed to have beautiful shapes, but mine isn't. I always thought I'd grow into a nice shape, but I haven't. And I haven't been growing so much, so I'm probably going to stop soon. I used to think that even though my face and hair and everything else about is awful, maybe I'd grow up nice. But no; here I am with red splotches all over my face and an awful, disproportioned shape and ugly features still. I've resigned myself to looking like this when I'm grown up properly and I just hope something, some miracle, will prompt a change.

We studied math today and I found it to be of moderate difficulty; not too hard, but definitely a challenge. I liked it.

4 February 1612

I had a dream of the two girls I don't quite recognize last night. The two talked back and forth briefly before the older ran to me and her mouth started moving, trying to tell me something clearly important to her. Her little one (a little girl, I think) was reaching for her hair, tugging at the long locks, but she just kept trying to talk to me. Once she realized I had no idea what she was saying, she took a step back and rocked her baby for a moment or two before she motioned for her sister to join her. Then she gently passed her baby to her sister and hugged me as if I was someone she loved and hadn't seen in years. I heard a whispering and I knew it was her voice. She was older than me by a good few years, maybe twenty or twenty-five, but something about her made her seem my peer. Her sister, who looked about my age, looked at me like I was an incarnation of a story she'd been told over and over.

The older girl, after talking for a long time, hugged me again and whispered something. I heard it; it's the only time I've heard her voice. She just whispered, "Thank you." Then I woke up.

I'm confused. What's she thanking me for? I've never seen her in my life. I haven't done anything for her worth thanking me for. I guess she must be someone from my future? But why would I be dreaming about her? No, how would I be dreaming about her? How could I be dreaming about the future? I just want to know who the mystery girls who inhabit my dreams are.

5 February 1612

Mother tried to get me to wear makeup again today, but I dodged around her and made it outside without any. I guess that part of this whole thing is that I don't want to give into Mother. I don't want her to control my life. I have my own life and I want to be in charge of it!

The red blotches on my face have been slowly subsiding and I think I'm past the worst of it (which I think was in October). I certainly hope so. Besides being ugly, those blotches are quite painful.

7 February 1612

It's surprising how flustered it can make me to just think about Sigmun sometimes. It's not always, but…sometimes. Like today, when I was sitting with Mother at dinner, and I started daydreaming about a lovely little scene in which Sigmun and I were the clearing with the pine tree, just having a picnic, and it was very nice. It was just a little daydream that was romantic, and sweet, and only a little guilty. But I guess Mother could tell I wasn't paying attention, because she banged her fist on the table and yelled, "Dianna Leijon! What are you daydreaming about?"

"N-Nothing, Mother…"

"Liar! Is it some boy? It's that boy you used to follow around, isn't it? Isn't it?"

"No! I was just, just…I-I was thinking about…about…"

"Liar!" She slapped me and said, "Go to your room and don't come out until you tell me what you were thinking about!" I did, because my face was stinging, and I curled up on my bed and just sat there, a little cold and a little sad. Normally, I can lie much better than that to avoid Mother. I mean, I really have no choice. What's wrong with me?

We studied physics today. It's rather sweet how excited Simonn gets and how lost Sigmun is. At least we two are on the same page when it comes to physics.

9 February 1612

What's the worst that could happen if I tell him I love him? He could say he loves me, too, which I set at about zero percent likelihood and thus I don't really need to fuss about it. He could say he loves me as a friend, in which case I tell him that's what I meant, too, and just live with the heartbreak. That seems most likely. He could tell me he hates me, in which case I'll probably just start crying because I couldn't stand losing my friends (which I guess also applies if he doesn't want to be friends anymore because I love him). Or he could pretend he loves me for the sake of shattering my heart, which would probably achieve its desired effect, and that's the one I fear the worst, I don't know what I'd do if that happened, and that scares me, too. I guess the worst that could happen is pretty bad.

We studied Roman history today. It was quite interesting, and I rather liked it.

10 February 1612

Mother seems to have given up on the makeup for now, but she made me do my hair up before I left. The only good that came from that is that when I got to Sigmun and Dolora's, Sigmun said my hair looked lovely. He asked why it was done up all nice and I told him it was Mother, but I did it myself. I think it was very sweet of him to say that, especially because I have awful hair and doing it up doesn't really do much. Simonn noticed, too, but he just asked why I'd spent the time to do my hair up unless I was meeting a boy or something. He did that on purpose, I know it.

"I'm not meeting a boy!"

"Oh? Do you love someone?" Simonn asked.

"Shut up. I'm not telling you!" He knows already.

"Why not?" Sigmun complained.

"Because you wouldn't shut up about it!"

"Not fair!"

"You didn't tell me."

Sigmun sighed jokingly and said, "Fine. But I get to choose the book!"

"You chose yesterday!" Simonn said. "It's Dianna's turn."

I chose a "bodice-ripper" romance just to annoy Simonn. I like that sort of book, anyways. Poor Simonn; he looked irritated the entire time (we've never read a book like that before) and I just made a face because I know he was trying to get me to confess to Sigmun that he was the only boy I wanted to meet anywhere. I really hate Simonn sometimes. (But not really.)

12 February 1612

Beauty is funny to me. It's so ephemeral and so contrived and so enviable. A certain set of characteristics are considered beautiful and if you don't fit that, you can't possibly be lovely the way another girl is. It's like you have to make yourself into a nice little porcelain doll or no one will love you. And while I know that's certainly not okay, because a lot of people do deserve love, I know that if I don't fit those standards, I won't be loved. And I can't fit it because as much as I try, I just can't be beautiful and I know I never will be.

It is rather discouraging.

We studied a novel today, one that was written to make a point, and the point was about how important it is to get the right sort of education. I think the right sort of education is different for everyone. Sigmun and Simonn and I have this sort of choice education. Dolora went to school, but I wonder where she got her real education, because a girl's education isn't like a boy's education. No one tells a girl she can be clever, anyways. Anyways, Neolla's going to have a school education, and Mariek's is mostly on her own, without someone like Dolora to help be a teacher. Hannah can read, but it's a secret, so she doesn't much. I don't know if she can write. I just think education is different for different people.

13 February 1612

I had such a headache today, and I think it's because I didn't sleep, because I had that damn nightmare again. In this one, I was sitting on the edge of the river with Sigmun and I dived in first, but I couldn't stay afloat. He dived in after me and I tried to hold onto him, but he shoved me into the current and I was struggling to stay afloat and he laughed and taunted, "What, you can't stand the current? You're ugly and no one will ever love you! You should just let the current kill you!" I slipped under, but he shoved me away and laughed while I drowned and then I woke up and I was terrified.

We studied Russian language today and I really like languages. They're just very interesting.

15 February 1612

I had the nightmare again and I'm upset because it was awful. In this one, he made fun of me because of how awful I look, my ugly face and hair and the red blotches and my awful shape and a whole lot of other things I hate about myself. I woke up even more upset than usual.

We studied a book of laws today and it was confusing, but I liked it. It was interesting.

16 February 1612

Today has proved to me that people in general can be awful. I don't mean all people, but it seems to me that when people get together and one of them isn't nice, a whole bunch of very nice people don't do very nice things at all.

But people can also be excellent. And kind. And brave. And maybe I'm one of the brave ones.

I wasn't at Sigmun and Dolora's for long because I had to find paprika and cooking knives in the market and it was hard. So I left early and headed for the market, which is where all of this happened.

I finally found everything I needed just when it was getting dark and I headed for home, but I thought I heard Sigmun shouting something, so I turned to see if it was him. And it was him, but he was surrounded by a bunch of men in an alley and I thought he was bleeding. I could see him kind of…I don't want to say cowering, but he kind of was cowering against the wall. They were shouting things like "bastard" and other words I don't want to write. I heard him say, "G-Get away from me!" and he sounded properly afraid and really, who wouldn't be; he was surrounded by at least seven men, all much taller than him, and when you've lost that much blood, the world doesn't seem the way it is. I don't know what exactly I was thinking, but I shoved one of them aside and stood in front of Sigmun and said, "GET AWAY FROM HIM!"

One of them sneered at me and said, "Aw, poor little girl. This your little boyfriend?"

"He's my best friend and if you don't leave him alone I'm not afraid to hurt you!"

"Oh, really? How?"

It is some beautiful, miraculous coincidence that I still had the cooking knives Mother told me to buy. I pulled one of them out of the canvas bag I always bring shopping and I didn't even say anything.

One of them smirked and said, "Do you even know how to use that, sugar?"

The others started jeering at me, too, so I had to say something.

"I've got a few ideas." I tightened my grip on the knife and I tried to sound menacing and I was scared, because I think if it really came down to it, I wouldn't use the knife. I couldn't.

But I guess I looked pretty scary, because I'm sure my anger was in my eyes and I know how to hold a knife (not because I use knives to hurt people but because I cook). They dispersed pretty quickly and I dropped the knife (I better wash it before Mother finds out) and tilted Sigmun's head so I could see if he was hurt. "Are you alright? Sigmun, are you okay?"

"Dianna?"

"It's me, Sigmun." Dolora once told me that you can hit your head hard enough to hurt your mind, so I tested his memory. "What's your name? Full name? Age?"

"Sigmun Vantas…sixteen."

"Uh…conjugate avoir in passé composé."

"What? Why?"

"Just do it."

"J'ai eu, tu as eu, il elle on a eu, nous avons eu, vous avez eu, ils elles ont eu. There."

"Okay, good. Come on," I helped him up and said, "We're going to your house. Your remember where it is, right?"

"Of course I do. Why?"

"I'm making sure you didn't hit your head hard enough to lose your memory."

"Oh."

There was far too much blood on his clothes and in his hair and I was worried. I put one of his arms around my shoulders and supported his waist (because he's gotten too tall for me to just carry him like I used to be able to) and I made sure he was conscious because I know it can be dangerous to fall asleep like that. I could tell he was barely keeping himself in one piece and I honestly wasn't thinking about Mother or anything else but making sure he was alright.

We were near the square when a man I've never met before ran over to me and said, "What happened? Do you need help?"

"I need to get my best friend home," I said. "He was attacked."

The man nodded and put Sigmun's other arm around his shoulders and supported his waist like I was and helped me half-carry him to Dolora's. "Dianna?" Sigmun murmured.

"Don't talk, okay? You need your breath."

"…Okay."

We got to Dolora and Sigmun's and I knocked on the door as best as I could and I really was afraid because he seemed about ready to fall apart and the light from their house made the blood even more obvious.

Dolora opened the door and I could see that it took everything she had not to scream. She covered her mouth with one hand and I said, "There were these men attacking him so I scared them away with a knife and…"

Dolora nodded and helped me carry Sigmun inside. The man just left before I could tell him thank you.

Once she'd gotten him situated on the couch like she does so she can figure out what's wrong, she sent me for herbs and water. I know where the herb cupboard is and where the water is, so I was quick. When I came back, he was crying and she was comforting him. "Dianna, willow and—no, not willow. Just some bandages and turmeric."

I nodded and watched while she worked like she always did, serious and solemn and a bit detached. "Valerian root, Dianna, and a cup of water. Go make a cup of chamomile tea."

I nodded again and went to make the tea, probably to help him sleep. I think Dolora knows more about being a doctor than most of the men with degrees because her herbs actually work very well and I don't know anyone who knows more about medicine, just from watching.

Anyways, Dolora kind of muttered like she does and I heard, "Broken arm, definitely. Sprained wrist. Partial fracture in the forearm…multiple lacerations on the head and limbs. You're lucky they didn't hurt anything vital, little love." Her tone switched from medical and detached to gentle and kind like someone snuffing out a candle.

"Dianna, stay right here. Make sure he doesn't fall asleep. Is the tea brewing?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Good. I'm mixing up some herbs to help with the blood loss and pain."

I nodded and pulled up another chair next to him.

"Hey," I said, trying my best to sound kind. "You alright?"

He was still crying a little and I could see why. He had at least two broken bones and a sprain or two and there was a lot of blood. I don't mind the sight of blood, but I can't stand the smell. It smells like death and decay and pain and shame and everything that hurts. "…I'm fine."

"No you're not," I said, and I tried to smile but I couldn't. "What happened?" I figured if he was talking, maybe he wouldn't fall asleep. I was afraid he'd die.

"I was just walking…I was walking home and I took the shortcut through the alley…then suddenly there were all these people around me and one of them…threw me against the wall and…they started hitting me and calling me a bastard and some other…things like that and I couldn't do anything because…there were so many of them and…then you showed up and…you saved my life."

"Any time." I think I cried a tear or two. I was definitely choked up. I took his hand in both of mine and I could feel that his skin was colder than it should've been. "You'll be okay, I promise. Just don't fall asleep."

"But I'm tired."

"I know. But you can't fall asleep."

"Why not?"

"Because…Dolora said so. You just can't fall asleep."

"I'm so tired…"

"Hey," I said. "How about you tell me a story?"

"You've lived most every story I could tell."

"That doesn't matter. How about you tell me the story of…of the time we were eight and we first found the river? That's a good story."

"You were there, though…"

"But I want to hear it again."

"Well…okay." I could barely hear his voice, and I could still hear the tears. "We were eight and we were excited…because we'd found the clearing with the pine tree, Simonn and you and me…and we decided to explore the woods a bit more. And then…just when we were about to head home, you said you heard water…So we followed the sound—" He coughed and I saw blood still staining his bandages. "And we found that huge, rushing river. So naturally…my first thought was to dive in." He laughed a little and I remembered that day clear as the sun. "Simonn yelled at me not to, but I did anyways and you followed me and…we were so lucky that day because both of us landed in that eddy. And then…Simonn dived in and we barely floated around but we had started…swimming properly." I felt his grip on my hand tighten. "It didn't go so well the second time." He tried to laugh, but he ended up coughing instead.

"Are you alright, Sigmun?"

"…I know you won't believe me if I say I'm fine."

"You're bleeding and broken. Of course I wouldn't believe you."

"Well, then, I guess…I'm not okay, but at least I'm not alone."

I smiled properly and squeezed his hand tighter. I saw his eyes flutter a little and he coughed that heavy, bloodstained cough again. "…You're really pretty," he said, his voice slipping a little out of consciousness.

"You're delirious." I said flatly.

"'M not…"

Dolora came back with some herb mix and a cup of tea. "Dianna, you can't go home, it's too dark out."

"I have to, though. My mother…"

Dolora sighed. "Are you sure? It's not safe."

"I have to go home."

"I'd offer to walk you, Dianna dear, but…" She looked over at Sigmun, who she obviously couldn't leave.

"S'alright. I promise I'll be careful."

Dolora sighed again. "Alright, Dianna dear. But come over tomorrow so I know you're okay."

"I will, I promise."

I got home and Mother glared at me and she told me in that scary tone that she'd deal with me tomorrow. It's very late now and I'm tired and honestly I can't believe I did that. What was I thinking? How…how did I have the courage to do something like that? I'm not brave, and I'm definitely not some sort of hero. I'm just me and I…I saved Sigmun's life.

What on Earth has gotten into me?

17 February 1612

I don't think it's fair that those men attacked Sigmun just because he doesn't have a father. It's not his fault his parents weren't married, and it's not his fault his birth mother abandoned him, and he certainly doesn't deserve to be attacked just for being born.

I've got a nasty bruise on my cheek from Mother slapping me. But it'll heal before long; I've had worse. It's not that noticeable, anyways. And it's nothing compared to Sigmun!

I was early today, and Simonn late, so I was sitting with Sigmun (who had been forbidden to move from the couch) and reading a book of poetry when Simonn came in. He of course had no idea about the attack last night and when he saw Sigmun with all those bandages and some blood still in his hair, he looked pretty panicked. Of course he did; it's the only reasonable reaction in that situation, I think.

"What the hell happened?"

I looked at Sigmun. I wasn't about to tell his story.

"Well…a group of men kind of attacked me when I was going for spices in the village yesterday and then Dianna scared them off and helped get me home. That's all."

"That's all. You got attacked by some idiots who probably had weapons and you toss off a sentence and say, 'That's all'?"

"…Yeah."

There was a pause. The Simonn asked. "Did you cry?"

"No," Sigmun said. Liar. I gave him a look when Simonn wasn't paying attention, but I didn't really mean it.

Simonn rolled his eyes and sat against the bookshelf like he does. "So what're we reading?"

"Poetry," I said. "Your turn."

"Seriously? This again?"

"It's good poetry," I argued. "I put up with your physics obsession."

"You're one to talk about obsessions."

"Shut up."

"What d'you mean?" Sigmun asked.

"Nothing," I said. "We were on page fifty-three, Simonn."

We read the poetry book for the rest of the day, even though Simonn groaned and complained about it the whole time. Dolora had to change the bandages on Sigmun's cuts once, and I suspect it's a lot worse than he's letting on, if the bloodstains on his cloak and the side of my dress he was pressed against are anything to go by. But then, he'd never just tell us if he was really hurt. It seems to me that men do that a rather lot, and I don't know why. I certainly don't think of my friends any different if they cry. Everyone cries; there's nothing shameful about it. Then again, what do I know?

18 February 1612

It's been that sort of day. I had the nightmare again last night, and another one on top of that. This time, when I usually wake up breathing hard, instead I felt the pressure on me lessen and I snapped awake and I thought it was over. I thought I was awake in real life, so I got dressed and finger-brushed my hair and checked in the mirror to make sure I looked halfway decent and ate breakfast and grabbed my cloak off the hook and walked over to Sigmun and Dolora's.

When I got there, the house was gone. I mean, where their house always is was an empty field. The garden was gone, the fence around the garden to keep out bunnies was gone, the footpath from the back door to the woods that we've worn down over the years was gone, even the deer trail that takes us to the hills was gone. So I ran to the clearing with the pine tree for some reason and there were three gravestones with their names on them and a fourth next to an empty pit. I was about to run when someone or something shoved me into the pit and started pouring dirt on me until I couldn't scream, I couldn't even breathe.

Then I woke up for real and actually went through my whole morning routine like I do. It should've been a clue to me in the dream that it was dream that my journal was on my desk. I never, ever leave my journal out. I've got more sense than that!

I got to Sigmun and Dolora's and Simonn and Sigmun were having one of those conversations again and when I walked in, Sigmun jumped and Simonn shut up and they both looked at me like I'd interrupted something and they just didn't want to let on and I felt like the odd one out again and I just feel so lonely. I don't even remember what we studied today. I just want to sleep my memories away.

19 February 1612

I had the nightmare yet again last night. This time, it was already storming when we were swimming, and it was my hair that felt heavy and dragged me down. When I tried to hang onto Sigmun, he grabbed my hair and started pulling it and it was unbearable, but eventually my head sank below the surface and this time I almost liked the feeling of water cooling my flaming scalp. But then he started pulling my hair again, like he was determined to yank it out, and I felt a chunk tear off and I tasted blood and I couldn't breathe and I woke up breathing hard. I checked three times in the mirror to make sure I still had all my hair, and when Sigmun reached around me to get a book and his hand brushed my hair, I jumped back pretty violently because I know it's dumb, but I just don't want anyone touching my hair right now.

Oh, and my lovely friends were having another one of their conversations today and I figured I might as well ask, so I did, but they said they couldn't tell me. Couldn't tell me, what a stupid lie. I can tell when my friends are lying! Who do they think they're kidding?

We studied chemistry today, some rules about gasses. It was fascinating and I liked it.

21 February 1612

I wonder why Mother ever bothered adopting me sometimes. Then I remember my very young days, when I went to the market with Mother and she'd hold my little hand so I wouldn't get lost and we'd walk around to the stores and she'd let me pick out one nice little thing, maybe I could choose between onions and carrots or between green and red, or something like that, and she'd smile. I sometimes remember Mother's smile and I wonder why she thinks smiling is so wrong for women.

We studied Russian history today and I liked it. The language was lovely and the history was interesting.

22 February 1612

They were whispering again and it's just really getting under my skin. I feel left out and I feel lonely and I feel unwanted and even though I know I'm unloved and unlovable, I'd like to think my friends like me, or at least tolerate me.

We studied the last chapter of the adventure novel and it was just this sweet little conclusion in which the hero marries the heroine and it's all sweet, except that it made a very clear statement that the heroine was not clever enough to handle herself and she became a damsel in distress. We finished it and there was this silence from all of us.

"I liked it till the end," Sigmun said from the couch.

"The ending was kind of awful," Simonn added.

"The ending was absolutely no good," I agreed. "Let's read a better book."

"Yeah," Simonn agreed. They may be keeping secrets from me, but we can all agree that damsels in distress aren't nearly as interesting as a proper character who happens to be a woman. Heaven forbid a woman have a personality.

23 February 1612

I had three dreams last night: one of the nightmares (in this one, he teased me for how stupid I am and how shallow I am and I fell under myself, but he held me there), one dream about having a sister, and one dream about the two girls. In this dream, the older girl was almost crying and she just kept repeating, "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

I still don't know what she's thanking me for.

We studied a new novel and this one doesn't have any women in it at all, and I can't decide whether I prefer no women or women with no real character.

28 February 1612

I am determined to get a good night's sleep tonight. Last night, Mother was sick from drinking and she kept yelling at me to get her bread and water and then she started vomiting and then she started drinking again and saying how useless her daughter was and why did she ever bother to adopt that stupid, disobedient girl and no one understood how hard it was to have a daughter who was a failure.

And then she said a few things about her husband and how much she missed him and how much she wished she had her own children and I wanted to cry because I know Mother's heart is broken and I don't think anyone deserves a broken heart, but she's just so mean to me.

We studied math today, geometry to be specific, and we did some proofs. I don't like proofs, and neither does Sigmun, but Simonn does. And they were whispering again today when I came over and I'm just very upset about the whole thing.

29 February 1612

Oh my goodness. I shouldn't have left the house today. I should've stayed home. I was already in a bad mood when I went to Dolora and Sigmun's because I was tired and they were whispering again and Dolora had that knowing smile and…I just couldn't take it anymore and I snapped.

"Am I interrupting something?"

"What? No," Sigmun said.

"Oh, sorry, it's just that you 'can't tell me'."

"What are you talking about?" Simonn pressed.

"Every time I come over here, you two are whispering like a couple of ten-year-olds and the second I walk in, you shut up! Do you think I don't know when my friends—sorry, am I allowed to call you friends? —don't want me around?!"

"What?" Sigmun asked again.

"I'm not an idiot, I know when I'm not wanted! I was never more than a stupid girl anyways! I am sick to death of you two always keeping secrets you 'can't' tell me! I know you think I'm stupid and I know you don't give a damn about me but would it kill you to at least not keep secrets? What, is it because I'm a girl? Am I going to spread it around? Or am I just too weak to handle it? I'm sick of it and I hate it and I hate you!"

They just kind of stared at me. I can't take being stared at, so I spun around and ran out and slammed to door behind me and ran into the woods. There are places I know that no one else does where I knew I could hide and wait out the rest of the day.

I climbed a tree to this one spot no one can see me from and rested for a minute. A second later, I heard Sigmun and Simonn come outside and shout, "Dianna! Dianna?" But I hadn't left footprints and I didn't want to be found. I'm good at that, ironically enough.

I jumped from my tree to one a few over, then another. I made it to this rock pile we found once with a little cave inside only I know about because only I can fit inside. I heard Sigmun and Simonn looking around for me a bit more before I guess they gave up. I spent the rest of the day in that cave and…I was crying. When it started getting dark, I headed home and Mother didn't even notice me.

I just lost my two best friends. What am I going to do?