Chapter 8: I'm Not Leaving
When the time we had scheduled arrives, Austin arrives at my house right on time and we immediately start working on his song. He told me he had to perform it in two days. He was once again acting really strange. He was unusually stressed, nervous, and to be honest, a little rude. He oddly wasn't so nice. I asked him how he was doing, and he just cut me off and said 'Fine, we need to work on my song.'
"To believe again. To love again.
You ain't gotta make your mind up, you ain't gotta make your mind up right now.
No pressure."
I sat at my piano and looked over the song I had been working on secretly for Austin. I had a feeling this song wouldn't turn out well. I had planned to show him this song by the end of the night. It's an easy song to learn so I figured he would be able to perfect it with ease. Austin was currently pacing around the room as he sang his song "No Pressure". My fingers lightly grazed the keys as the melody flowed from his lips. We had gone over the song about twenty times. The first five were..okay. But now, it was just awful.
"How was that? Was it better than last time?!" He demanded of me.
He asked me with wide, red eyes as his pacing came to a halt and he was finished with the last chorus. He was staring me down, desperately looking for my approval. Honestly, he was murdering the song, and not in a good way. This also came into a shock because he usually sings songs very well. I don't think it's him, I just think the song doesn't fit his voice as well as pop songs do. Although R&B beats and tracks are in right now, it doesn't mean every artist needs to adopt that style. I didn't understand why Austin's producer was trying to change his sound.
"Ally!" He pushed me to respond snapping me out of my thoughts. Literally snapping in my face. Did I say a little rude? I meant a lot rude.
"Okay. You did good." I lied trying not to be too candid as I whipped my face up to look at him.
He rolled his eyes before retorting back in a truculent manner.
"I didn't ask you if I did good, I asked you if I did better."
I was majorly irritated by his aggressiveness. I however refused to get on his level and decided to stay seated at the piano and continue to play the song on the keys. I ignored his rude remark and continued to move my hands along the white keys.
"God, uhh." He sighed frustratingly. He walked over to my bed and sat down running his cold hands roughly through his hair taking the deepest breaths in the world. "All I want to do is get this dang song over with. I want to perfect it. Record it. Then send it off. That's all I want Ally."
I nodded silently before saying something. I was tempted to go over to him, but I decided against it. I was still annoyed by him right now. He was not acting like the kind-hearted, sweet boy I'm used to writing with. Until he learned how to talk to me, he didn't deserve my comfort.
"Maybe you should take a break and-"
"That's the stupidest-" He sighed cutting himself off. "I'm not taking a freaking break, when I can barely hit the notes in the freakin song."
"Hey, I was just-"
"Giving me dumb advice? Yeah, no thanks. You have no idea what I'm going through. I have to finish this song. I have to finish it tonight. I can not take a break. No breaks. We're doing this again. Go. From the top." He quickly rose from his seat and gave me a three count before signalling for me to begin.
I turned my attention back to the piano and began to play the intro to the song. Fine, I'll play along. I'll continue acting as if his attitude right now isn't totally inching me more and more towards kicking his butt out of my house.
"And I don't wanna spend it with nobody else. Hear me? Ain't nobody deserve myself."
I tuned him out towards end of his first note. When we began rehearsing it was 5:10. It is now 8:57. I am tired of him, his attitude and this stupid song.
"Okay!" He shouted clapping his hands together for the 90th time tonight. "How was that?"
I was currently laying my head down on the keys trying to imagine being somewhere else. Anywhere else.
"Ally, get up! How was it!"
I slowly rose from my laying position giving him all kinds of death glares as I rose.
"I don't know." I shrugged.
"What do you mean you don't know? Were you not listening? God, Ally I need you to be paying attention."
"I was listening." I replied gritting my teeth to avoid blowing up.
I am so done with him.
"Then why can't you give me a decent response instead of daydreaming like a five year old with an attention span of a squirrel."
"Hey you don't have to be a jerk about it." I stood up giving in to the desire of releasing my anger.
"Just answer the question! It's so like you. To complicate things. You're always pulling crap like this."
"Oh am I? because I believe it was you that complained to me about how you complicate things with your parents and cause drama!"
"I think you're referring to the time you cried all night and poured out all your little problems claiming it was you're own fault, then the following day you swore all your friends were the reason for your constant search for self acceptance. If that's not complicated, I don't know what is."
"No! You don't know anything! But I guess I already knew that. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're not smart enough to understand a girl's feelings!" I yelled angrily as I turned away heading for the door.
"No, I'm sorry, for thinking my girlfriend was smart enough to answer a simple stupid question!" He yelled making me stop at the door frame.
What?
Wow, Girlfriend? I knew his behavior was strange. I guess now I know the reason why. I laughed lightly to myself.
Girlfriend.
I turned around only to see him standing there, with cheeks as red as a balloon. I slowly and menacingly turn around and make my way back over to him with a grin plastered on my face. Austin is standing there looking as If I just told the whole school he still sleeps with a night light. He is completely, utterly, embarrassed. You can see the regret in his eyes. His eyes shift down momentarily, but I take my hand and force him to look at me. I hold my hand up to his cheek and lightly caress his gentle face. I drag my hand from his face to his chest and place both of my hands on him. I can feel his heartbeat getting faster and I can feel the smile on my face getting bigger.
"Okay." I whispered lifting myself on my tip toes using his body for support so that I could be inches from his face.
"One, Screw you. Two, I'm not your girlfriend. And Three, thank God for that." I smiled mockingly. "Good luck on your hopeless song." I said sarcastically before leaving the room.
I felt his hand roughly grab my wrist spinning me around. I cringed slightly at the pain of his tight grip on my wrist. He forced me into him. He put me into a tight lock restraining me completely.
"Where do you think you're going missy?" He said lightly loosened his grip on me after noticing my discomfort. I even thought I heard a quiet apology.
"I'm going to my dad's room and having him kick you out." I told him attempting to free myself but he kept me restrained.
"Oh, what's wrong? You seemed to have liked this position a few seconds ago. What? Now that someone else is in control you all of the sudden don't like it? Huh? Is that it!"
"Austin, stop. Let me go." I yelled at him struggling to free myself, but he wasn't budging. It's not like he was hurting me, I don't like being restrained. I like to be in control. I liked manipulating him. He was being a jerk, so he deserved it. I don't deserve this. I didn't do anything wrong. I was just trying to help my best friend learn a song. I didn't want to rehearse for four hours, but that's what he wanted so we rehearsed for four hours. I didn't want to slave over a piano waiting for his command to play, but that's what he wanted, so that's what I did. And all he did was complain the whole night! Never asking me if I needed a break, or needed water, or wanted to stop.
"Austin, seriously if you don't get your hands off me I will kill you!" I struggled with all my energy and eventually escaped his strong hold. I pushed him away from me and ran towards the door. As I twist the knob on the handle and crack open the door, A large hand shuts it close. I take a deep breath slightly startled by his action.
he had shut my door so loud it could have woken the neighbors. First he roughly grabbed me and now he was prohibiting me from leaving my own room. This was a very aggressive side of Austin and I was not liking it.
He was staring me down with his big brown eyes. Eyes that once were so soft and kind, now unrecognizable. His wide hand spread across my door firmly keeping it shut, warning any hand that would dare try to pry it open. The hand that once held mine in comfort, now used as blockade. A symbol for strength and force and restriction and dominance. I looked down unable look at him. I couldn't bare to view his changed eyes. I feared I might notice something else different about his now unrecognizable features. Things that would prove his transformation. Through my peripherals I could see his eyes never wavering from mine, and his hand never retreating from the door.
"Ally, I'm not leaving." He told me in a firm voice. I trembled under the sound of his tone.
"I'm not, leaving." He repeated as if my request was absurd and illogical. As if him leaving was not even an option.
But then, he dropped his hand and stood plainly. He growled down on me. He looked at me with the most sincere, soft, pure eyes. He lightened his face. Austin softly touched my chin with his thumb moving my face up to look at him. Once my eyes met his, they were locked. They were never to be torn apart. He then dropped his hand from my face and said once more,
"I am not. Leaving. And neither are you."
I nodded, verifying my understanding of our past agreement. We always said, we would never leave each other during a fight. We would talk it out, until we reached an agreement. It was similar to those marriage pacts couples make about not going to bed mad at each other. Except we were not married. We were just two kids who wanted a strong long lasting friendship. No matter how unreasonable the other person may be, we have to put up with them. Sometimes one person might have to try harder to end the argument, but what's important is that we both try. I was trying, but then he hurt my feelings. And I got upset with him. I didn't think it was fair that he got to be angry and I just had to take it. I was ready to walk out that door. I was done being the only one who cared. Maybe he was willing to try now?
He walked over to my bed. He sat down and told me to join him.
"Come here." He instructed. I shyly advanced him settling next to him. I shifted away from him in efforts to avoid our shoulders brushing against each other. He did not pay mind to my action and continued to look down deep in thought.
"I wrote a song for you." I told him hoping to raise his attention. "It's called 'Bridge Over Trouble'. I thought maybe if your song didn't work out you could sing this one."
I had a feeling he was going to like it. I grabbed my guitar and began to serenade him.
When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you (ooo)
I'll take your part, oh, when darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
When no friends can be found,
Your dad will be around
To watch you grow and believe that you know
A father's love will never go.
I placed the guitar down and grinned widely at Austin. He didn't say anything, but I was hoping he had enjoyed it.
"So, I know it's a little different from the usual tempo you sing at, but I think this song will be perfect for you to perform at the Helen show."
He still remained silent. He just sat there staring at the floor. I thought the purpose of us staying was to talk. If we stay silent nothing will get resolved.
"So… do you like it? Austin." I finally asked him after minutes of silence.
"No, I-I don't." I hear him say. My heart dropped and I fell silent. He always likes my songs. How could he not like this one?
"Well, I guess, maybe we can speed it up... if it's too slow for you or we can-"
"No, that's not it."
"Then, what is it?" I asked growing impatient. How can he just not like the song. There has to be some reason why he doesn't like it. I spent hours working on it and thought he would be impressed. It is about a father who is expresses his long lasting love for his son. Its beautiful! It has powerful lyrics, catchy hooks and a great melodic sound all together What's not to like?
"Okay…let's fix it then." I say getting up and walking over to the piano. I pat my hand down on the bench signaling for him to join me. It takes a minute, but he eventually rises to take a seat next to me.
"Alright," I sigh. I play the first verse and stop. Once again he shows no emotion. Something must be really wrong. This is painful for him. Working on this song with me is painful. But, why? "Austin? What's wrong with you?" I ask him sliding my hands off the piano and into his lifeless hands. To my surprise, he responds.
"I just don't agree with your lyrics." He tells me softly grazing his thumbs over my knuckles.
"What part?" I ask him.
Just as I am about to pull out my song book Austin stops my hand.
"I don't want to get into it. Okay?"
"Austin, we can to fix the song if you don't like it. We can change things up. It's okay, I'm open to your suggestions."
"Ally, I don't want to suggest anything and I don't want to fix anything because I don't like the song!" he yelled rising from his seat. He stood in the corner of the room with his arms crossed. I took a deep breath and turned to face him. I said each word with more anger filling my voice. I was trying my hardest to contain my anger.
"What is the point of staying if we don't communicate with each other. This pointless banter isn't enough. I need you to tell me something. Why don't you like the song?"
"I told you. I don't. Like. The lyrics." he told me to decreasing his distance with each word.
"Why don't you like the lyrics!" I screamed at him stepping in closer.
"I don't want to talk about it!" He turned away.
"Is it because of your dad?" I pushed.
"Stop! just Stop!" Austin yelled shutting his eyes tight.
"Why don't you like the lyrics." I pushed harder.
He quickly turns away from me and storms down the hallway. I follow him and continue to shout as he rushes down my staircase. He's keeping his feelings bottled up and I hate it. I have to know. I need to know. I deserve to know. He's my best friend. I hear my parents come out of their room, but I don't stop chasing him. "Austin! Answer me!" I yell.
Suddenly, my eyes widen, my feet stop. I am paralyzed with shock. I am overwhelmed with an immense sense of regret.
"Oh my God!" I whisper to myself.
Austin slips on one of the steps and falls forward. Suddenly everything is in slow motion. He tries to catch himself but he ends up tumbling down full speed. His body is thrown down the white 50 step staircase like a rag doll. I hear each loud bang as his head collides with the bars pounding either the bars or the steps on his way down. He catches himself as his left hand meets the black bar. He stands up, however, unable to keep his balance he falls over again. This time backwards. I just pray his back isn't broken, or his arms. I close my eyes unable to watch anymore.
I open my eyes and he is laying on the floor at the bottom of the staircase. Still as a lake. There is blood on the steps from the impact of his head and other scrapings that marked his perfect skin during his treacherous fall.
My parents ran behind me as we all rushed after Austin, careful not to slip. I grabbed his arm as I kneeled by his side. He was moving, but not very much. I lift up his heavy head solely supporting it with my hand. With my hand buried in his blond hair, I instantly regret every harsh word I said to him. I can feel the blood from his scalp soaking into my hand. He was staring right in my eyes as I held him up. His eyebrows were scrunched up in pain and his cheeks were red again. Not from blushing, but from bleeding. He opened and closed his eyes again and again. Each time he opened them, a new emotion would reveal. Exhaustion. Fear. Pain.
"Austin, can you move?" My dad asked.
He nodded his head as he moved his hand up to my hair for evidence of activity of his limbs. He ran his fingers deeply through my hair, sending me chills. He shifts his body forward uncomfortably, pressing his free hand against the tiles to support himself and to bring himself closer to me. He gives a grimace of pain. He removes his hand from the floor to softly grip my wrist.
"Can you stand sweety?" My mother asks Austin.
Austin looks like he's in so much agony. He shuts his eyes tightly, moaning in pain, but still keeps his hand tucked, wrapped, and tangled in my brown locks. I lean down to his red cheek and find a safe space to plant my kiss. I softly kiss him. Just enough to heal the pain. This seems to be what we do when we are in pain. I see him break briefly into a light laugh.
He tries to rise from the floor. I support his weight with my entire body, desperately trying to keep him up. He staggers a little bit. I just hope he doesn't completely lose his balance. Because, I don't know if I'll be able to catch him. He is just about twice my size. He slings his arm over my shoulder. Just as he is about to fall, my dad catches him on his other side He makes sure Austin does not lose balance and guides him to the front door. I bury my face in Austin's chest as my dad and I help him into the car. Once in the car, my dad jumps in the drivers seat. I sit in the back with Austin. He whispers apologies in my ear throughout the entire car ride. He feels for my hair as soon as we settle in the backseat. He releases a deep breath, as he is fondling my curls. I lean into his chest and happily provide him with therapy.