1 March 1612

I wanted to hide in my cave again today, but I was so bored yesterday just hiding. Pretty much the only thing I can do for hours on end is read (and sleep, but that's different), so I kind of had no choice but to go to Dolora and Sigmun's house. I planned on walking in, taking a novel, and walking out again, but that didn't work. I succeeded in the first two steps, but while I was leaving, Sigmun stopped me and asked me if I was okay and I didn't want to tell him that I just feel really lonely a lot and I tried to get out but…I don't know. I just didn't want to talk about it. I felt really guilty for yelling at them and I guess I know it was unfair, but I feel like they don't care about me and they're the only people I know who did do.

The reason I wrote do is because I gave up trying to escape and forced a smile and said, "I'm fine."

"Right."

"Will you just drop it?" I snapped.

"I was just gonna say sorry, jeez," he said, all defensive and tense. "Cuz of the thing…I'm not keeping any secrets from you."

"Yeah right."

"Really! No secrets, at all. I'd tell you any secrets I might have, anyways."

"Except who you love."

"I…That's different."

"How?"

"You're going to have to trust me when I say it is," he snapped. "Just…trust me on this, okay?"

"Trust you." I was a little dubious.

"Isn't that what friends do?"

That was harsh. "Fine. I'll take your word for it. But friends don't keep secrets, either."

"I said I wouldn't! Simonn sure isn't."

"He is kind of an open book, isn't he?" I acknowledged, and I smiled a little.

"Yeah…" Sigmun started laughing a little and I laughed a little more and then we just kept laughing and I felt a little better because…I guess I'll just trust him for now. I'm sure there is a reason he's not telling me. I guess he's probably too shy. What can I say about being too shy to tell someone something?

Anyways, I guess they never really meant to do that to me. I guess they do at least care about a little, and considering Mother, that's very nice to know.

2 March 1612

I think my favorite thing in the world is to feel loved. I like how warm and safe and protected it feels. I crave it; I crave the feeling of being loved after so long being unlovable. There's no use in loving me; I don't know why my friends bother. I have nothing to offer. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be loved. It certainly doesn't mean I don't want to love. I love with all my heart; I don't see a point in feeling anything halfway. I love without expecting to be loved. It's just very nice, being loved back.

We studied a novel today and Sigmun walked around a bit. I hope he'll feel better by the time the snow melts and we can go into the forest more often again.

4 March 1612

Apparently Sigmun tried to go to the creek the other day (the one by the clearing with the pine tree in it, the one by the berry patch), so today Dolora put his cloak away so he can't go outside without freezing. He's crazy if he thinks he should be spending time outside. A sprained ankle takes time to heal.

We studied Russian today and it's slowly getting easier. Writing in Russian is harder than I expected, considering the new alphabet. I think I'll just keep my journal in English for now.

5 March 1612

Simonn's tense; I can tell. His mother isn't feeling too well and his parents will make him take care of his siblings soon. They all adore him; it's rather sweet. But I can tell it makes him stressed and worried, and I think I would be, too, if I had to take care of four children under the age of twelve for two weeks at least. He says he'll find time to come learn and work on our projects, but I know he'll be gone for a few days. I have completely different family problems from Simonn and I can't even imagine how much stress it must put on him. Besides that, his mother must be under a lot of pressure, too. Because first of all, if the child is a stillborn or dies young, it's her fault. Then, if she loses her job or Simonn's father loses his job because of the baby, it's still her fault. And if, after all that, after labor and giving birth and raising another child (because Simonn's father isn't around much, though that's because he works on a farm), one of the other children doesn't end up in a respectable career, it's still her fault. Why is it always her fault? It's always her fault, never his fault. Never mind that it's not her fault if he gets fired. It's not her fault if one of Simonn's siblings drinks her or his life away. It's no one's fault but the people directly involved.

So why is it always her fault?

6 March 1612

Mother told me to at least try to fix my shape and told me I should eat less food because heaven forbid I eat a filling meal. If I eat a filling meal, then I'm ruining my already awful shape and was I growing on purpose just to be an awful daughter because I couldn't possibly be a good daughter. I just couldn't be a good daughter, I'm too ugly and disobedient and headstrong and useless and hopeless.

I know it's wrong, but sometimes I don't care anymore if I'm not a good daughter. Sometimes, I dare to think that someday, when I'm grown up and Mother's long gone, I won't have to worry about being a good daughter and maybe I'll feel happy.

8 March 1612

My friends are such idiots sometimes. Today, after we read a chapter of a novel, Sigmun said wouldn't it be fun to go skating. Which it would be, except it wasn't that cold out and obviously the ice was part melted, and his ankle is mostly healed, but not all the way. But Sigmun and Simonn went anyways and I wasn't about to let them drown, so I went to and climbed the tree branch by the bridge and waited for someone to fall in.

Simonn didn't go out on the ice as far as Sigmun, so he didn't fall in. Sigmun did, though, when the ice cracked under him, and Simonn had to pull him out. Sigmun was soaking wet and rather grumpy-looking when he finally got out of the water and I felt bad for laughing, but I couldn't help it.

9 March 1612

I had the nightmare again last night. I don't even want to write about it right now, and that's rare for me. It's just very stressful.

I find myself staring at him these days, and sometimes, I find myself fixating on his lips and wondering what it'd be like to feel them against mine. I've felt his warmth and his skin near mine, when we sit next to each other or when his hand brushes mine or when we try to spend the night in the woods and it's dark and quiet and cold except for our linked hands and heavy, nervous breathing, and I adore the feeling. Sometimes, I wonder about how I'd sleep if I were to sleep next to him. I think I'd sleep well with his arms around me and my head resting on my chest. I don't think he'd mind if I curled up like I do to sleep, and I know I wouldn't mind those cute little snores I remember from when I spend the night at their house. He's always been very kind to me (I can't forget on All Saint's Day when I had that awful nightmare) and there's no reason he wouldn't be so nice if we were married.

I certainly hope so.

10 March 1612

I don't understand what's so wrong with crying. Everyone cries sometimes, when they're sad or in pain or angry or under stress, and there's nothing wrong with that. Why do people always act like crying is shameful or something only weak people do? Even the strongest people I know cry sometimes, and it's because everybody cries and I just don't understand. I think crying is probably better than a lot of things, actually, because you don't just hold everything in.

11 March 1612

We went to the village today in the afternoon and I saw all my girl friends, except Candas. It was nice to talk to them again. Neolla's planning is getting ever more complex as the day she visits the school for the first time draws nearer. Mariek's mother is growing sicker and she'll have to live with her aunt and uncle soon if her mother doesn't recover. I feel so bad for Mariek; her mother is the only adult in her family who loves her. Oh, and Hannah's father had her older sister marry the old man from Austria. So she's safe for now. But she'll be next, because her other sisters are younger. Hannah was almost in tears when she told me and I suspect that she and her sisters cling to each other because they have no one else. I did my best to comfort her and I hope she feels better. Poor Hannah; how awful it must be to know you'll never your sisters again. I almost miss the sister I never really had sometimes. I can't imagine losing a sibling you've already known.

13 March 1612

Another one of those dreams. In this one, the storm drowned me, but in the thunder I could hear Sigmun's voice taunting me, shouting how stupid and ugly and useless I am, and I was so afraid, and I woke up with a scream hiding just behind my lips. I'm glad it didn't escape; Mother would've been so upset. I don't want to get her angry. She's always angry, but when her anger is directed at me more intensely, it can be very scary.

We practiced Russian today and it's slowly getting easier. I guess that's how things work.

14 March 1612

I had a dream about the two girls I don't quite know last night. This time, it was younger girl who addressed me directly, and she kept asking me questions. At least, I think she did. It's hard to tell, but there was something in her mannerisms and the incoherent whispers I could barely hear that suggested questions. The younger girl finally fell back and stood with the older girl, who was almost crying. Her baby was reaching for her face like children do and she seemed to barely notice. I still don't understand them, why or how or who.

Oh, and we studied Austrian history today. The way things are going there, I hope Hannah's sister is safe.

16 March 1612

My friends are still idiots, it seems. Well, Sigmun is sometimes. Because what person in their right mind would climb the tallest pine tree in the middle of our clearing, in the rain (it was storming today), with a healing ankle, and try to get to the top? He just said it would be fun, but even Simonn tried to talk him out of it. But he climbed that stupid tree anyways and we had to follow him because he'd hurt himself. So the three of us wound up in the clearing, in the pouring rain, and Sigmun easily climbed to the top of the tree. "Hey! See, I'm fine! Nothing's gonna happen!" (Famous last words.) His smile fell as he did, along with the branch he was standing on. A huge snap that sounded like thunder hit my ears and I almost panicked.

"What do we do?" Simonn yelled, rather uselessly I think. For some insane, half-thought-out reason, I ran under where he was falling and I held out my arms and I barely caught him. But I did, and I thought my arms were going to break. But they didn't, and I held him stand up. And then we had to walk the half-mile or more back home in the rain.

"Sorry…"Sigmun said while we were walking back.

"Yeah," Simonn said. "That was not smart. In fact, it was pretty moronic."

"I said sorry, what else am I supposed to do?" Sigmun snapped. "It seemed like a good idea when I suggested it…"

"Stop arguing, guys," I interrupted, rolling my eyes. They don't fight for real often (though they have many not-fights), so I'd rather avoid it. "Let's just go get dried off."

So we all sat by the fire and tried to dry off. My hair didn't dry completely by the time I had to walk home, so I felt like I'd gone swimming or taken a bath fully clothed by the time I was home. I suppose Sigmun's always been a bit reckless. (A lot reckless.) I think it's alright sometimes (otherwise we'd never have found the eddy), but more often, it just gets all of us in trouble.

It's been a long day.

17 March 1612

I didn't sleep much last night. I kept having nightmares. I had nightmares of Mother and of Father and of Sigmun and Simonn and Dolora and all my other friends, and of course I had my nightmare that I always have. I didn't even get a very good dream, one of Sigmun and I swimming or in the woods or maybe even reading, just one good dream to lessen the blow of my nightmares. It happens sometimes. But I wonder what it'd be like if I had a mother who would comfort me when I had such a horrible dream. Ever since I can remember, Mother's yelled at me if I had a nightmare. Even if I didn't wake her up, but told her in the morning, she'd tell me I'd done something awful and wrong and it was my fault. But when I was younger and Sigmun had nightmares, he said Dolora would comfort him. Even Simonn says his father did so. Mother just yells. It's all she's ever done.

We studied some British history today. It was quite interesting.

18 March 1612

Simonn's mother is going to have her baby soon, in about a week Simonn says. He looked rather nervous and I feel bad for him. His mother could easily die, or I guess his new sister could die, too, but he says she won't die until she's three. It's still all very scary.

20 March 1612

Simonn only stayed for a couple hours today, and he was tense. It was obvious. Dolora made him one of her cups of tea and he hardly drank any. Poor Simonn.

21 March 1612

Simonn's tension is contagious; all three of us were a little on edge today. He had another cup of tea, too. We just read the novel until it was dark and we all had to head home.

22 March 1612

I'm feeling incredibly flustered because I really didn't intend to be sitting in the same room as Sigmun, and just Sigmun, for an entire day, including staying for dinner, and I really didn't mean to almost blurt out how much I love him. But Simonn was busy with his siblings and Dolora's the midwife so she was in town, so it was just Sigmun and I today and I just felt rather flustered about spending my whole day with him, and just him. It's happened before, of course, but Dolora usually comes home and I've never spent dinner with just him. Also, I've never really cooked with someone else before (Mother won't let me help and when she's out or drinking I make dinner myself) and that was interesting to say the least. It felt very close and I know I should've been thinking about Simonn and his mother and everyone, but all I could worry about was how shy I felt and how much I wanted to just tell him and get it off my shoulders, but I couldn't. I can never tell him because I know he'll never love me back, and I just couldn't bear it.

So I just pretended I was fine like I always do and I know he didn't buy it, but he didn't press, either. And I guess that's good, because I felt so guilty about the whole thing, because I should've been worrying about Simonn and his family, and because I know it's my fault, and because I just really hate all this stress and pressure and for the life of me, all I want is to run away from home and maybe be happy for once in my life.

23 March 1612

I didn't expect Simonn to come at all today, and I certainly didn't expect him to come by with all four of his siblings.

"Mama wanted me to take them out of the house," Simonn said. "So…here we are. I didn't know where else to take them."

"Uh…" Sigmun said, staring at the four kids we'd only met through Simonn's stories. Richard, Thomas, Robert, and Isabella. "What do we do?"

"Hey, Richard, let go of Thomas. Isabella—Izzy!"

"I don't like Izzy!"

"Then listen to me, all of you. We're going to go play in a pretty clearing with a big tree. This is Dianna and Sigmun. Listen to them, alright? They're my friends."

"Okay, Simmie!" Robert called, giggling. Simonn sighed.

"Simmie?" Isabella asked, tugging on his arm. "Are we gonna have a yummy lunch?"

"Uh…yeah! We will. We'll have a picnic. How does that sound?"

The four of them grinned and Thomas said, "Yeah! That sounds yummy!"

"Great! Okay…" He looked at me and I nodded. "Dianna will take you to the clearing. I'll be right there."

So I led the four of them to the clearing with the pine tree in the middle, even though it was chilly out (it is March). At least it didn't rain. Richard and Thomas climbed the tree quickly, and Roger was quick behind them (I can tell the difference: Richard is the tallest, Thomas is the only one with blonde hair, and Roger is the only one with blue eyes.) But Isabella sat next to me with her big brown eyes and asked me, "You're name's Dianna, right?"

"Mm-hmm."

"I'm Isabella. Uh, good to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too, Isabella. How old are you?"

"Five."

"I'm sixteen."

"You're really old," she said. "How comes you're big like Simmie?"

I laughed. "He's sixteen, too. You'll be big, too, someday."

"Then I can get married and have babies. That's what Mama says."

I didn't know what to say. I wanted to tell her that she didn't have to get married if she didn't want to, but I didn't know how.

"Dianna? How comes my brothers are gonna work and maybe do school and I can't?"

"You can go to school, Isabella. You're just as clever as they are."

"But Papa says…Papa says girls can't be clever."

"Then he's wrong. What does Simonn say?"

"Simonn says I'm clever as Tommy and Rich and Rob."

"And who do you trust more?"

She looked down. "I'm supposed to trust Papa."

"But who do you trust?"

"Simmie," she whispered. "Cuz he cares about me more'n Papa."

"Hey, that's alright. My mama doesn't care about me a lot, so I trust other people more."

"Really?"

"Really. You can go to school if you want. Are you learning to read?"

She looked around. "It's a secret."

"You can tell me. I won't tell anyone."

"I'm learning how to read and write."

"Wow! I bet you're really good at it."

"Tommy says I am. Rob says he's the best."

"I bet you're the best," I said, and she smiled in response.

"Can you read and write?" she asked me.

"Yep."

"That's really fun."

"It sure is. Do you want to climb the tree with your brothers?"

"I do…but what if they push me?"

"They wouldn't."

"But if they do?"

"Push them back. They're siblings."

"They'll get mad."

"That's okay. It's okay to stand up for yourself."

She looked up at me, then at the tree.

"I'll help you up," I added.

"Okay," she finally said. I helped her into the tree and let her climb away.

Simonn and Sigmun showed up a bit later, with a basket full of a lunch. "Where's Isabella?" Simonn asked.

"In the tree."

"What? She's going to get hurt, Dianna! What the hell?"

"She'll be fine. Your brothers won't hurt her."

"That's not what I'm worried about! I'm teaching them about people being equal as best as I can and they know not to hurt anyone. She's just not tall enough to reach the far branches."

"Simonn, calm down," Sigmun said. "We'll be right here and we've got Mama."

Simonn took a deep breath. "Okay. Fine. But if any of them fall, it's your fault."

"Mine or Dianna's?"

"Both of yours."

I grinned. "Simonn. I know you're worried, but they adore you. They'd never do something you told them not to do."

"Yeah right," he scoffed, but he started blushing. "They do all the time. Believe me."

"Something serious," I said. "Isabella trusts you more than your father."

"Good," Simonn said dismissively. "Our father says girls can't be smart. As far as I know, they all trust me on that particular matter."

"You do know how much they love you, right?" I asked.

"Whatever."

"Alright." I let it drop because Simonn always puts on a front and I guess he knows we know, but I wasn't going to bug him about it. Men seem to do that a lot. I don't know how to tell my friends they really don't have to.

24 March 1612

Simonn warned us that it might be a while before he can leave his siblings at home. He says Richard mostly takes charge, in his proud role of second-oldest brother, but his mother wants the younger ones out of the house. He says part of the reason he leaves his house from after breakfast to about four in the afternoon is so they can do their chores without him, because he won't be there forever. I told him not to worry, and he said that they practice writing and do chores anyways. Apparently, they like doing chores when he's not home. He thinks they think they're surprising him.

Today we went to the clearing again and it was sunny (rare for March), so they played in the creek and by the berry patch while Sigmun and Simonn and I sat on the grass and read. We studied the novel and I kind of leaned on Sigmun to see the book over his shoulder and I could feel his arm pressed up against mine, and he had that sweet little smile I love, and it was just very overwhelming. And then I got tired in the late afternoon because of my nightmares and I rested my head on his shoulder and I kind of dozed off that way, and while Sigmun was very sweet about it and didn't move and let me fall or something, it was rather embarrassing. But Simonn raised his eyebrows at me and mouthed, "Just kiss him already!" I just shook my head and ignored him.

26 March 1612

My mother screamed at me today when she was drunk. She told me that it was all my fault, everything was. It's my fault Father leaves all the time, it's my fault she drinks, it's my fault she's miserable, it's my fault I'm so ugly and useless and hopeless, it's my fault my friends aren't any good, it's my fault I can't find a husband, everything is my fault. And then she slapped me twice and threw a bottle at me (which I dodged; I've gotten good at that. I didn't used to be, but it was something I had to learn) and she stormed to her room. I made dinner alone and I gave a bowl of soup to Mother (she yelled and I left it and ran) and I ate alone and then I went upstairs to go to bed and I just wish Mother wasn't right.

27 March 1612

We studied chemistry today, and I rather enjoyed it. Simonn's siblings played on the tree again and I tried not to seem upset, but it's hard because Sigmun and Simonn and Dolora are the only three people in the world I really, truly trust. I do trust and love my other friends, but my dear friends I trust more than anyone else. It's funny to think that the only ones I've ever truly loved and trusted aren't even related to me by blood. On the other hand, neither is my mother.

30 March 1612

I had one of those nightmares last night. I don't like those dreams and I'd give just about anything to stop them.

We studied chemistry today and I did almost fall asleep on Sigmun's shoulder because I was just so tired from nightmares, but I didn't. Luckily.