Hello everyone! Thanks for all the reviews! And If you thought the last chapter had a lot of drama, you ain't seen nothing yet! Thank you all for being so patient with me and understanding the process. I don't have writer's block or anything, I just like to read over my chapters several times before releasing them, to make sure the words are just right and that they provoke the right feelings. This chapter is really special to me. Enjoy.
Chapter 9: Loving & Living
"Austin we need you in Make-up in five!" Larry yells from the other side of the room. I yell back in response.
Rachel, my wardrobe girl, has me trying on different outfits for tonight. My dressing room was really far out in the back, so we decided to make all the last minute changes here in the hallway.
I stare at myself in the mirror. I look really pale and dull. I guess the make-up artists can fix that. There are dark circles drooping from my eyes. They can probably fix that too. My hair looks really dry and brittle.
"Austin, I really like this shirt. What do you say? You wanna go with this one?" Rachel beams pressing the blue collared shirt onto my chest.
"Yeah, this one's fine." I reply staring emptily at myself.
I imagine all the products on my face and all my imperfections being erased, but something's still not right. I still don't look right. Your frown. I conclude. That's what's not right. Unfortunately, I don't think the makeup artists can't fix that.
I sigh as I look down at my arm viewing the sling that is holding my arm up. I should be thankful, the doctor said the damage could have been way worse. I feel a quick sharp pain in my arm and wince noticeably as I grimace in pain.
"I'm sorry...Rachel? Can I grab my bag for a sec?" I ask her.
"Sure Austin." she replies taking a step back.
I quickly reach for my pills in my backpack and swallow them whole. I release a breath of relief as the pain is reduced. My doctor gave me some pills for the pain, and told me to leave the sling on my arm for about 3 weeks. To my parents' dismay, I have obeyed his orders. They tried to convince me to take it off for tonight's performance, but I refused. My doctor said taking off my sling before my arm healed would slow down the healing process. My dad just hates the way it limits my dancing. He should be lucky my whole body's not in a cast. I'm lucky my whole body's not in a cast. After a fall like that, I'm just thankful I can walk.
I smile at Rachel as I get back in front of the mirror. She brings out a white leather jacket and has me try it on. I struggle slightly to remove my current jacket and she takes notice.
"Here. I'll help you with that." She says slipping my right sleeve off my arm with care. As she helps me into the new jacket I wince slightly feeling the pain of my arm. I tell her it's fine, and she keeps trying to pull it over my shoulder, but it hurts more and more. I express a grimace of pain as the sharp pain returns to me. Rachael stops, and I let out a sigh of relief.
"Okay… maybe no jacket tonight." I suggested breathing heavily.
"Yea." she laughs and agrees. I laugh slightly as I flick the leather off my shoulders. I see him walking towards me from behind. I view his tall figure through the mirror. I avoid eye contact with him as tension builds inside me.
"Having trouble with that sling?" My father asks sarcastically. I roll my eyes ignoring his comment. I continue to fix my collar and adjust my outfit. He continues to antagonize me.
"You need to take it off. As soon as the concert is over you can put it back on and you'll have all night to rest with it on, but for the show it really needs to come off." He says with disgust as he stares down at my arm. He is trying to make me think his way is right, but I know If I listen to him, my arm will be broken by the end of the month.
"Yea, then you're gonna make me take it off for the Helen show tomorrow, and then it will never have time to heal." I stated plainly with casual irritation.
"Austin, you're a pop star. Pop stars are supposed to dance and sing and entertain. You can't entertain with that thing on you. You're going to bore the audience. Do you honestly think your fans come to hear your voice? No. If they wanted to hear an average pop singer they could just turn on the radio and save their money." He laughs loudly. I see Rachel look up briefly shocked at my dad's obstreperous mannerism. I swallow hard becoming mortified by his public shaming of me.
Everyone seems to take notice. I feel myself becoming more embarrassed and also... angry! He tells me I'm all these horrible things and says I'm worthless all the time. He is extremely offensive and really hurtful. He makes me feel like a puppet. An incompetent, worthless puppet. He thinks the only thing I'm good for is 'putting on a show' he doesn't think I'm actually a gifted musician. He views my success as a lucky break! He doesn't believe in me! He doesn't care about me!
"They come to see the lights, the backdrops, the dancers, and the real musicians that play behind you. They come for the whole Austin Moon experience. They come to see a show. It is your job to give them a show."
My blood hit its boiling point and anger quickly filled my body; it was overflowing, like a volcano.
"Stop! Just Shut-Up!" I yell quickly turning to face him. "I am not taking the sling off! And if you have a problem with that, you can go screw yourself!" I shout with anger and annoyance. I feel like I'm about to tear my shirt open because of how tense my body feels right now. My hands ball up into a tight fist. I close the gap between us and get in his face. Since we are the same height, I just walk straight towards him. I bring my voice to a quiet, yet stern anger tone. I speak in a quiet scream.
"I am more than a puppet who dances for a crowd! I am more than just a show! I am an artist. You are trying to destroy me and reduce me to vulnerability, so I'll listen and be easier to manipulate. But I won't let you! I'll never listen! I am unique and I am good at what I do." I feel tears coming, but I push them back. However, despite my efforts, I still feel water build up in my eyes. I feel my anxieties building up inside. I am on the brink of explosion.
"YOU'RE, AVERAGE." My dad corrects me breaking down my wall of defense. "Average singer, average dancer… just an average toy on the playground." He says enraging me emotionally. I feel more and more tears coming. But I reject them all. He is not worth a tear.
"I'm not your toy." I say with disgust shaking my head. I yell in a passionately angry voice. "I'm done believing what you say! I'm done crying over your insults! From now on they mean nothing to me! Cause you mean nothing to me!" I turn quickly and wipe the fresh tears from my eyes. My breathing patterns become scattered and I can feel myself coming undone. I am about to explode. I'm about to breakdown. My dad turns my shoulder and I'm facing him once more. His eyes are soft and he looks me straight in the eyes. I'm praying to God I don't lose it right here.
"As your manager, you're fired. As your father, I'm very disappointed in you. You severely indecent spoiled brat." He finished with clear repugnance. He might as well have spit in my face. There was nothing left of my wall to be destroyed. All the bricks had fallen and I was just left there uncovered and exposed. My lips came together to form my last words; before they died along with my dignity.
"As your client and as your son, I hate you." I finish before storming off to my dressing room.
I stumbled inside quickly shutting the door, locking myself inside. I find a corner behind my couch and curl up with a pillow and start to cry my eyes out. I clench the pillow so hard, the fabric begins to tear. I continue to tear the pillow, then I throw it across the room, shattering my lamp in the process. Unsatisfied, I drive my hand across my vanity table violently sliding all my junk onto the floor. I look into the mirror and view my red, dark eyes. My hair has been thrown in several different directions and my shirt is torn. Displeased once again with my appearance, I drive my right hand into my vanity mirror cracking and shattering the glass. I watch the pieces fall onto the cleaned off table. I laugh sickly at what awful mess I had made of my room, and then watch myself fall along with the glass. I sink down to the floor and begin to sob vehemently.
This isn't at all what I had planned for myself. When I was younger, I had always dreamed of becoming a musician, making music, and sharing it with people around the world. But not like this. I had lived my whole life waiting for something, and it had killed me when it found me. I never wanted to be a teen heartthrob pop star with perfect hair, perfect teeth, and a perfect body; because I never truly respected singers like that. I didn't consider them artists. I considered them stagnant place holders. Holding the place for the next heart throb to come along, or the next pop star to reach the spotlight. But I did consider myself an artist. Who would have thought I'd come to realize those people and I were one in the same. I'm just a typical stereotype. I'm just a placeholder. I'm just... average.
There is a light tap on my door. I ignore it and do not even attempt to answer.
I didn't care how many people paid to see me tonight. I was not getting on that stage for all the money in the world. A whirlwind of pain engulfs me as the problem in my shoulder makes it's presence known. I bury my head in my lap, wishing I had my pills in here. Now I'm crying because of emotional and physical pain.
I hear a key work it's way through my door and hear it turn. The door opens revealing Ally. I forgot I had given her a key to my dressing room. I kept my face buried in my lap as she entered. I felt her hands rest on my back. I lifted myself up to look at her, revealing my red tear dried eyes. She must have thought I was the most pathetic guy in the world. I'm 16 years old and I'm crying my eyes out like a 5 year old.
My chest begins to burn and my throat feels parched and dry. The emotional pain registers once more and Ally pulls me into a tight embrace, wrapping her arms tightly around my neck. I slowly snake my arms around her waist. I am full on sobbing right now. I've never cried this hard in my life. They were all I ever wanted. I just wanted my parents to love me for me. Not for what I have done, or for all that I'll accomplish; but just because I'm their son. Even now I still want it. I just want their acceptance. But, they only accept perfection. And… I'm not perfect. So, I think that means they'll never really love me. I must be grateful for their tolerance of me. Cause I know that's all I'll ever get.
"If no one loves me, then what's the point of... living?" I speak in a faint whisper. That thought had never popped in my head before and I never meant to speak it. I feared thoughts like that. The words came out sorrowful and terrible. Ally's eyes widened as she heard the words and slightly moved back from me to look me in the eyes.
"I'm sorry I said that." I quickly apologize as my eyes widen in resolution. "I didn't m-mean that, I promise." I quickly inform her as I see tears flood her eyes. She is plastered with fear and looks terrified. Dwelling in self pity too long, is never a good thing. "No don't cry. I didn't mean it okay? I promise I didn't mean it." I sniff loudly trying to wipe away the tears that fall from her eyes with my thumb, trying to push back my own, in the process. I wrap both my hands around her face, giving her a sad smile. "I'm sorry for scaring you." She doesn't say anything, and just leans back into our embrace hugging me tighter. I squeeze her with everything in me and right in this moment, I make a promise that as long as there are people like her in this world I'll keep living.
"Trust me, you will always be loved. If not by the world then by God. And me." Ally whispers in my ear.
"God? And you?" I say. "Well, I think I can live with that." I smile lightly.
I break out in another cry. I feel the warm tears began to paint my face. I take a deep breath. As we sit on the floor, with our arms wrapped around each other and my eyes focused on the curl pattern of her soft brown hair.
I feel Ally start to loosen her grip on me and my smile fades. She loosens her arms to view me and she slowly connects her lips with mine. I pull back slowly, not wanting the usual treatment we give each other when we are feeling poorly. I just wanted to be held.
"Ally" I breath lightly pushing her away. "I... just need a friend right now." I softly tell her not wanting hurt her feelings in any way.
"I know, it's.. a friendship kiss. Remember?" She smiles at me.
I lightly return the smile and she leans back in. She kisses me slowly. I close my eyes hoping I am wrong, and that this kiss will make everything better. At first, it's just like the first time I kissed her, then suddenly, it's an entirely different sensation. I get this feeling, that sends me 1000 ft. in the air. I feel like I'm flying and she's taking me higher and higher, till I can't breath anymore. Soon I actually lose my breath; but she is the one that pulls away first. My eyes remained closed as I try to save with my mind, what I had lost with my lips.
"You didn't have to stop." I tell her wonder-stricken as I catch my breath.
"We have to breath" She laughs lightly. I open my eyes.
I shake my head and reply "Nope, not me. I can multi-task." Ally laughs along with me and I just stare at her. I glance down at her lips then back at her eyes.
"I wanna kiss you again." I tell her honestly bringing my hand up to the side of her face.
"I'm gonna kiss you again." I conclude. She smiles as she nods giving me her consent. I savor the wonderful sensations and kiss her with all the passion and patience I have. I kindly place my hands on either side of her soft, rosy cheeks; in efforts to bring her face closer to mine.
She giggles quietly pulling away after several minutes. I catch my own breath and lean back in. I reveled in the moment, as I rest my forehead against hers. I took a deep breath breathing in and out still captivated and enchanted. This is it. Right here. This is perfection. This is what perfect looks like. This is what perfect feels like.
"Do you wanna...get up" I ask her.
"Yea" She smiles softly.
We pull away temporarily to lift ourselves up onto the couch. She leans into my chest and I pull her closer wrapping my arms around her shoulders.
"I love you for being here with me right now. This is exactly what I needed. You're exactly what I needed." I whisper in her ear, fondling her locks. We stay like this, in perpetual perfection.
"You're my favorite person in the world." I tell her yawning as I adjust her in my arms.
"You're my favorite person in the world." She tell me, filling my heart with joy.
I'm surprised no one has bothered us all this time. But I'm also really thankful for that. I don't know what I would have done if my dad had walked into my dressing room. I don't even want to look at him right now. I'm just glad Ally was here tonight. I wouldn't have made it through if it wasn't for her. I probably would still be crying. Or worse. Singing on that stage. My eyelids grow heavy and I slowly drift in and out of sleep. I eventually let the sound of her breath lull me to a soft slumber.
A loud knock is heard from my door waking me up. I don't answer, hoping the person will leave. To my disappointment, the door cracks open. Gary appears behind the door. He doesn't open it all the way. He pokes his head in, scanning the room before his eyes land on me and Ally.
"Are you... coming back Austin?" He asks delicately. I shake my head and reply.
"No." I respond simply.
He nods his head briefly, before closing the door. "Okay." I hear him reply. Before he closes the door fully, he tells me "I'll… send your limo to the back. So you and... Ally can go together."
"Thank you." I reply.
DRAMATIC! Am I right? I am enjoying, writing this story and I hope you all are enjoying reading it. I didn't write a hospital scene, because I feel like all my stories end up with someone in the hospital at some point, and I didn't want to go there. I also wasn't too concerned with making the repercussions of the fall realistic. I just wanted get the point across. That's the beauty of writing Fiction!