1 January 1613
Happy new year, I suppose. It hasn't been especially happy so far. It's just been the usual: get ready in the morning, go to Sigmun and Dolora's for most of the day, come home and deal with Mother, eat dinner, sew or knit or whatever I have to do to keep my clothes and things in good condition, write, go to bed. I don't lead an interesting life, and I doubt I ever will. Except the fact that I'm not exactly of average reading and writing ability, but that's rather a side note, figuratively speaking.
Anyways, we went skating today. It was quite nice.
2 January 1613
We leave for the city in just two weeks! It'll be wonderful to get away from my mother, even for a few days. I just want to get away from her, so I can breathe again. I can never really breathe these days. I feel like some huge weight is pressing on my chest when I wake up, as if breathing is some great burden I must carry.
I wish I could leave now. I wish I could leave and never return. I know it's wrong, but I want to leave.
3 January 1613
My head was pounding today, so my friends said we could rest inside for the day. I think it's the last remnants of my illness. At least the fever hasn't come back. That's certainly nice.
I wonder sometimes how Simonn plans to keep Isabella healthy. She never had cowpox, even though all Simonn's siblings and Sigmun and Simonn and I did. You don't usually get smallpox if you've gotten cowpox, so Isabella's vulnerable to smallpox, unlike the rest of us. I'm so glad I had cowpox when I was little. But not everyone gets smallpox anyways, so I think more likely than not she'll be fine.
I certainly hope so.
4 January 1613
Dolora took out the stitches from those cuts today because she said she can't leave them in too long. I saw that she was very concerned, and I guess that's somewhat justified. I know most parents sometimes hit their children, but I'm pretty sure most parents never throw bottles at their children. I'm never going to hit my children. I'm going to make sure they grow up feeling loved. I'm not going to be like my mother. I swear it.
Anyways, we read about medical science today and Dolora seemed to be listening when she was home. I know she likes medicine and I think she'd have a degree to be a doctor if she could get one. Why won't universities let women study and work there? I mean, Neolla's just as clever as the current town lawyer. Dolora's and excellent doctor. Mariek regularly plans theoretical raids that would probably actually work. If I ever meet someone who works at a university, I'll ask them why.
5 January 1613
I finally got my bleeding! I never thought I'd be happy about it. But this means I've gained back enough weight to be healthy, sort of. I just don't want to be sick anymore; is that really too much to ask for?
Mother was sick from drinking today and I feel awful because she was crying. I know it's insane to feel bad for my mother, of all people, but she was crying and heartbroken and she didn't even notice me. I don't know what to think anymore.
7 January 1613
I dreamed about the two girls last night, who I should know but I don't. After a long time trying to speak to me, the older girl finally hugged me again and for some reason, I heard the word "mother". I don't know what that's about. If the two girls are my children, why do they look so little like my love? I certainly hope I marry him, and I would like to have children, and I think (if my knowledge is correct) children tend to have traits from both of their parents. So they probably aren't my children. This continues to plague my waking hours sometimes because who on Earth is in my dreams? My dreams are in my head. Who else is in my head?
8 January 1613
My mother dearest made me stay home for a while today to speak with a man called Andrew, I think. I don't quite remember because this time I tried to be polite, but as soon as Mother left the room, he tried to kiss me, even though I was pushing him away. And he wouldn't stop, so I slapped him so he'd just get off me. Mother was horribly mad. She said I attacked him, and it was my fault anyways. I was just trying to get him off me! I didn't want him kissing me. I think I should be able to chose who kisses me!
Anyways, I escaped around noon and got to Sigmun and Dolora's to study a novel for the afternoon. It was quite nice.
9 January 1613
I saw my friends in the village today and we sat around the park and talked about things.
"So did you finally kiss him?"
"Mariek!"
"So you did! I told you so…"
"Alright, alright. You all were right, I was wrong. Happy?"
"Very." Mariek grinned and poked me. "Your handsome lover must be very glad."
"Shut up."
"Oh, come on. He's got a lovely girl."
"Thanks." I stopped for a second. "How come you always say things like that?"
"Like what?"
"That I'm pretty."
"Because you are. And that's what friends do, isn't it? Compliment each other."
"No, I mean, what's wrong with saying clever, or funny, or brave, or…I don't know?"
"Well, I think you guys are all those things, too. But other people value being pretty over being anything else. So, I figure I'll tell you that of the things you are, you're something other people will like, too."
"Geez, could you be any more mushy?" Neolla added.
"I think Dianna's the mushiest of us all."
"Excuse me!"
"Dianna…no offense or anything, but you read romance books and quote from them. All the time."
"I do not!"
Neolla gave me a look full of disbelief. "Yeah. And last time I saw you, you didn't at all mention that new book called Adrift that's about such a nice boy—"
"Stop it, will you?!"
"Alright, alright," Neolla grinned. I swear, Neolla and Mariek have the same mind sometimes.
"Hey, um…Dianna? Neolla? Mariek?" Hannah asked.
"Yeah?" I said.
"Can you teach me how to write?"
"Sure…" I said. "Why?"
"I want to write a letter to Dorothy."
"Hannah…she's in Austria," Neolla said gently.
"I know. But….I need to know if she's okay. And she…she wants to hear from us. I know it."
"How?" Neolla asked. "I'm not exactly telepathic with my siblings."
"I just do," Hannah said. She looked about thirteen, vulnerable and small. "Please?"
"Yeah, sure," I said. "When can I meet you?"
"Uh…I don't know. I have…I have a lot of things to do…" she mumbled. I think Hannah keeps secrets from us. I don't want to bother her about it, but I'm a little curious. I mean, I know she has problems with her father, and her mother died giving birth to Alice six years ago, but I think there's something she's not telling us.
"Well, I'm usually at Sigmun and Dolora's during the day," I said. I had the idea that I could kill two birds with one stone and persuade Simonn to spend more time with Hannah and also help Hannah write her letter. "Come over any time."
"Thanks," Hannah said, playing with the ends of her hair. She does that a lot, like Neolla chews her lower lip and I push my hair behind my ears repeatedly, even if it's not in my face. (I've never seen Mariek nervous, so I don't know what she does.)
So I guess I'll be seeing Hannah more often. That's good.
10 January 1613
We leave for the city in six days. Six days! And then I get a whole week when I'll be free from my mother. A week! That sounds wonderful.
We practiced calligraphy today and I'm decent at it, I suppose. I like calligraphy; it's fun.
12 January 1613
Today it was snowing, so we went to the river and skating around and I loved the cold air. I like being cold now because it makes me feel real like I didn't when I was trapped inside. I like feeling real.
14 January 1613
We read some of the novel today. I liked the part where the hero decided he wouldn't kill anyone. I think killing is just a bad thing to do.
Two days. I'm counting the minutes!
15 January 1613
Tomorrow. I leave tomorrow and then I'm free from my mother for seven days! I'm determined to make the most of those days because dammit, I'm going to the city and I'm not going to let Mother of all people ruin it for me!
We didn't study today because we all knew it would be useless, so I sprawled on the couch and Sigmun lied on the floor and stared up at the ceiling and Simonn leaning against a bookshelf and we all just sat there and talked some.
16 January 1613
We left for the city today! I told Mother that the seamstress I work for was sending me to the city for a week to pick up some fabric. She was asleep from drinking when I left anyways, so I left with my pack and left a note behind before she woke up.
We started out around eight, then stopped for lunch at noon, and arrived in the city at six. Dolora's Aunt Matilda said we should all call her Aunt Matilda and she seemed a little bit…old. She asked Dolora what her last name was and she seemed to not remember a lot of things. I know some people don't remember things so well when they're older and I guess that's what happened to Aunt Matilda.
Aunt Matilda's house had only a few rooms and only two bedrooms. She doesn't have a couch to sleep on, either, so Dolora's sharing with her aunt and I'm stuck sharing with Sigmun and Simonn again. Which isn't too bad, because obviously they're my best friends and I trust them, but Simonn wouldn't stop pestering Sigmun and I and there're only two beds, so Simonn has taken it upon himself to take up the smaller bed such that no one can share with him and Sigmun and I have no choice but to share. I could sleep on the floor, but it's a very hard floor and there aren't enough blankets. So I guess I'll have to share with Sigmun tonight.
I ought to find something to bother Simonn about tomorrow.
17 January 1613
It wasn't such a bad night, only I fell asleep holding his hand and when I woke up, his side was pressed against mine. Simonn saw, of course, and he laughed like a witch and I made him swear not to tell anybody. I'm just very embarrassed because you're not supposed to spend time with a man that way until you're married. I don't want to get married so young, partly because Mother wants me to, but also because I want to be sure about him before we're married.
Anyways, Dolora told us that we should stay away from the bad sections of the city and told us where they were, to be very careful if offered anything to eat or drink, never put our food down out of sight, and keep our lunch money hidden at all times. And we had to be back by six for dinner every night and be double-sure to keep warm. Then she told us we could go, and of course the first place we went was the library.
The library was huge, and of course it was full of books. Strictly speaking, only university people are supposed to be there, but no one questioned us, so we didn't leave. I have a feeling Dolora didn't really mind.
We explored the entire library, from this huge, tancy atrium to these tiny little back rooms with little light and old desks just for looking at old, old books. Simonn found a section all on physics and Sigmun found one on French history (his favorite) and I found one full of books just for learning languages, and this section full of novels and poetry. We all read some in the morning, but mostly we explored. We bought lunch in the market, which is to say we went to a stand where a man was selling bread and a stand where a man was selling cooked meat and had meat and bread.
I wish I could draw; I'd draw a picture of the library and all the books. The atrium was three stories tall with a stained-glass window at one end and a painted ceiling with the Greek gods on it. There was this sort of carpeting in the middle that softened footsteps, and tile floors and walls on the sides that made every footstep a million times louder. The hallways were quiet and made of stone and full of books only, except for a few university students and a few old professors, one of whom called Simonn Brian and asked where that copy of A History of Greece was. (Simonn panicked and now I have my small revenge.)
We ate dinner with Aunt Matilda and she's a very good cook. Dolora said we're going to have dinner with her friends tomorrow and maybe one more time before we leave. I wonder what that'll be like.
18 January 1613
Dolora said today that we were all going to her friend Rebecca's house for dinner, and that all her old friends would be there. She told us they were named Rebecca (obviously), Sybil, Maggie,
Miriam, and Rosalie. She stuttered a bit on Rosalie's name and I wondered what that was all about because Dolora's never seemed nervous since I've known her. So us three went to see a play (and then stayed for a second one) and then went to Aunt Matilda's house and Dolora told us all to put on our cloaks, she was still getting ready, and then she took a very long time getting ready. I think she did her hair and she put on a nice dress and everything.
"Come on, we'll be late."
"We're coming, Dolora."
She tapped her foot impatiently. "We're leaving. Rebecca's house isn't far away."
We walked about half a mile to her house, where everyone was waiting. "Dolora!" Rebecca called, throwing her arms around her. "It's so lovely to see you. Are these your…children?"
"Hello, Rebecca. Well, this is Sigmun, my son, and his two friends, Dianna and Simonn. But…" Dolora shook her head. "It's not important. Where's Rosalie?"
"Of course you'd ask about Rosalie," another woman said cheekily. "She's coming."
"How nice," Dolora said, forcing a smile. "Haven't seen her in years."
"I bet she misses you," yet another woman added, grinning like Simonn used to.
Dolora rolled her eyes. "I haven't introduced you all. Sigmun, Dianna, Simonn, this is Rebecca" (the first woman to speak) "Sybil," (the second to speak) "Maggie," (the third to speak) "and Miriam" (a tall woman with dark hair and eyes.) "All of you, this is Sigmun, my son, and Dianna, my…niece, and Simonn, my nephew."
"You didn't have siblings," Miriam pointed out. "Did your husband?"
"I never married."
"But…" Maggie tilted her head towards Sigmun.
"It's a long story," Dolora sighed. "What about you all?"
They started exchanging stories while Sigmun and Simonn and I sat on the couch and felt awkward. I've never visited relatives before and I suppose this is what it's like. Sigmun once left town for three days to visit Aunt Matilda, but Simonn never has and I certainly haven't, so we all just sat stiffly and Sigmun held my hand and Simonn clenched his.
Eventually, someone knocked on the door. "That'll be Rosalie," Rebecca said. "You know, she never married."
"How nice," Dolora said stiffly.
Rebecca answered the door and Rosalie walked in all confident and smiling this sort of mischievous smile that made me think she's slipped a spider into every book in the house. (Rebecca had some books, but not as many as Dolora has. On the other hand, Dolora has the most books of anyone I've ever met outside a library.) "Dolora!" Rosalie bent down to be as tall as Dolora (because Dolora was sitting down) and kissed her, right on the lips. Sigmun flushed crimson and Simonn turned to us, as if he was asking, "Did you know about this?!"
"Sorry to ask, but…" Rosalie gestured towards us three.
"Right. This is Sigmun, my son, and Dianna and Simonn, my niece and nephew. Sigmun, Dianna, Simonn, this is Rosalie, my…"
"Friend," Rosalie filled in. "Good friend…" Rosalie smiled warmly and said, "Nice to meet you all." She turned back to Dolora. "Son?"
"I never married, either…It's a long story."
"I'll take your word for it."
"You always have."
Rosalie grinned that catlike grin again. "I have. Anyways, it's lovely to see you again, 'Lora."
"Lora?" Simonn whispered to me. Sigmun was still colored scarlet.
The adults turned to us and I felt so uncomfortable that I wanted to melt. I knew they were Dolora's friends, but they were also complete strangers. "So, what do you three want to do when you're done with your education?"
"Work at a university," Simonn said quietly. "As a physicist." That's been his ambition for as long as I can remember.
"I want to be a historian," Sigmun said. "Or maybe public speaking."
"And you?" Miriam asked me.
"I want to work in translating books," I blurted. I've only ever told Sigmun and Simonn that before. "But I don't think I can."
"Why not?" Rosalie challenged.
"Because…my mother," I said, rather reluctantly. I turned to Sigmun. "When you were..nine, was it? You wanted to be an adventurer."
He blushed even darker and said, "I was just a kid."
"So was I, and I wanted to work at a university," Simonn pointed out.
"When I was your age, I wanted to work at a library," Sybil said, a bit wistfully. "Never did, in the end."
"'Lora always wanted to be a doctor," Rosalie said.
"I am a doctor, thank you very much," Dolora said. "You wanted to be in politics, correct?"
"And I am. I've joined an underground revolutionary organization. It's quite interesting. And I work for a seamstress."
"You're all lucky," Rebecca said. "I can't get a job. My husband works as a barber."
"My husband is a lawyer," Sybil said, rather boastingly I think. "But I assist."
"So you all married?" Dolora asked.
"Except you and Rosalie," Miriam said. "What about you three?"
"I—uh—we…" Sigmun stammered, while I blushed scarlet and Simonn looked at his shoes very pointedly.
"I see," Rebecca said with that tone of needling someone like she'd done earlier. "Well—" Dolora gave her a stern glare and Rebecca nodded and left us alone, which was a relief. I've never visited relatives (relatives I suppose I have), and I guess this was what it'd be like. I'm not so sure I liked it.
But the dinner was good and it wasn't so bad after that. Sigmun was red for the rest of the night, though. I guess that's understandable considering Rosalie. I'd just die if my friends ever met my parents together.
19 January 1613
Last night, I slept with my head on his chest and his arms around me. I feel a little guilty about it, because it felt very intimate, but I also don't think it's wrong because I had no dreams, bad or good, and I slept so well like I haven't since I was little. Sleeping well can't be wrong. I wish I could sleep with him this way every night (I wish that couldn't so easily be taken the wrong way) because I felt safe and I felt loved. I don't feel loved so often and I stored up the feeling in the back of my mind to examine later.
We explored the market today and Sigmun held my hand and his grip was warm and soft and rather exciting. My heart was a little too fast and my knees a little too shaky, but I didn't mind.
The market was huge. There were stands for everything: meat, bread, fruit, vegetables, ice, clothes, cloth, jewelry…I could go on. We spent some of our lunch money on a fancy pastry and split it between us and it was delicious. We had meat and bread for lunch again, too, and in the afternoon we searched for the famous square in the middle of the city.
We found it, eventually, and it was such a lovely square. There was a huge stone fountain in the center that was glorifying the kind. I giggled because it looked rather silly and said, "He looks ridiculous."
When I said that, a guard who I guess had been behind me whispered, "Be careful what you say, missy." I wheeled around and the man had left.
"What the hell?" Simonn blurted.
"I guess we better be careful what we say," Sigmun said, sounding spooked.
Anyways, the square was lovely, even with the trees all bare and blank and the grass all brown (there wasn't any snow). Then we explored the artisan's part of the market until dinner.
After dinner, we read a book that Sigmun brought from home and it was a good book, so it was nice.
20 January 1613
Today we snuck into the university, not just the library. It was quite an operation, because I had to borrow some of Sigmun's clothes and tuck my hair up into a hat and everything. Simonn and Sigmun looked like they could belong, and we supposed I could be a younger brother or something. But Simonn strode right on in, looking confident and like he belonged, and no one questioned him. So the three of us explored the whole university, top to bottom, and we only got questioned once.
"Who're you three?"
"I'm Brian Green. This is my brother Peter and my other brother Vincent."
"Do you go to school here?"
"Yes. It's my third year. It's Peter's first. Vincent is going to come here in a few years. It's a family tradition."
"Really."
"Of course, sir."
"I've never heard of the Green family."
"Then surely you aren't in the highest social circles."
The man looked flustered, nodded, and walked off.
I wish I could go to university. It seemed incredibly interesting and everyone looked all busy doing interesting things, going to classes or looking things up in the library or writing important letters. I'd love to go to a university. It would be amazing.
21 January 1613
I really like sleeping like I do here, hearing his heartbeat and being so close to him. I like the sound or the feel or something of his heartbeat; it makes me feel so calm and peaceful. And when he plays with my hair, I see this sleepy, slightly goofy sort of smile that's endearing and also reminds me that he's happy. And I like when he's happy.
We just explored the city today. We went everywhere, from the dark and scary parts (which we went through quickly) to the lovely grass lawn in front of the palace. It's strange; the palace looks at once stunningly beautiful and terrifyingly foreboding. I can't imagine ever living there, but Candas and Orvill and Grantt do. How is that possible? It looked like a miserable place to live.
Anyways, the city is huge and it took the whole day to explore it, and even then, we didn't see everywhere. I can't imagine living in a city this huge. Oh, and we found that school for girls Dolora says she went to. It looks nice enough, if…well…a girl's school. Boy's schools, like the university, look and feel like interesting places to be. This school looked more like a trap.
I'm really very glad I don't go to school.
22 January 1613
We leave in two days. In two days, I have to go back to my mother and deal with her again. I have to go back to my normal life. I wish I didn't have to.
But for now, it's still lovely here. It's lovely living with my friends and Dolora and her nice (if a little odd) aunt. It's lovely feeling safe, like I don't have to worry about my safety every second. I wish I could feel like this all the time. That would be wonderful.
Anyways, we went to the theater again and saw a play and then we went to the market again and I told Sigmun and Simonn to go ahead and I'd meet them in a second. I thought I'd buy them a present, so I found some chocolates in a candy store and bought them with the money I've been saving from when Mother drops coins around the house. I'll give them to my friends tomorrow. I like giving people presents.
Anyways, we sat in the square and read in the afternoon. Sigmun only brought two books from home, so we re-read the first novel and we all took turns and no one really gave it a second glance except when I was reading. When I was reading, everyone gave us funny looks and a few people stopped and asked why I knew how to read. Is it really that surprising that I can read?
23 January 1613
Our last day. I already dread returning home.
Last night, since Simonn was still persistently taking up the smaller bed, I slept like I have been the past few nights, snuggled against his side and resting my head on his chest so I can feel his heartbeat, calming and just there. Just being there means so much to me. And I like that sleepy, goofy little smile he has when he sleeps because I like knowing he's happy, that I'm making him happy.
Maybe I'm crazy.
At any rate, we went to the library again and played some strange game where we'd try to find the strangest sentence in a book we could. I found one in a book on bugs that said, "The thorax, containing the soul in a human, is only an empty, senseless, instinctual void in the average insect." Simonn's oddest was, "The largest and most vital portion of a human being, his immortal soul, resides just behind his eyebrows." (I think that was Alexander the Great, of all people.) But Sigmun's was the oddest. "The ladybug, when placed in the proper environment, will immediately transform into a lethal stinging ladybug due to its sinful, carnivorous diet." I'm completely serious.
Anyways, Dolora's Aunt Matilda made a lovely dinner and it was delicious and I'll probably fall asleep next to Sigmun again tonight and I don't feel so guilty because I haven't had any dreams in a week and that's such a delicious relief when all I've been getting for what feels like forever is nightmares and those very good dreams I can barely think about.
24 January 1613
I feel so silly, obsessing over the fact that he held my hand all the way home. But I like very much the feeling of his hand in mine, all warm and strong and feeling like him. I can't explain the specific feeling I have around him. Every person I'm close to has their own feeling and they all just feel that way. I can't explain it. Maybe it's the way he smells, like a campfire and the forest and forget-me-nots. Who knows.
25 January 1613
Today Mother was furious with me and we were fighting like usual when she lunged at me (because she wasn't drunk) and pinned me against the wall by my neck so I couldn't breathe, even though my feet were still on the ground, and I was scared she was actually going to kill me. I hate how my mother is taller than I am. She's taller than Sigmun, almost as tall as Father. If my parents were my blood parents, I'd be a lot taller.
Anyways, I couldn't breathe and I started kicking at her, but I couldn't seem to aim and my vision blurred like when I was drowning and I started begging her to let me go (or at least I was trying to) and after what might've been forever she did, she just let me drop and walked away. I was gasping, trying to get my breath back, and Mother picked up a bottle and just started drinking, the way she does after Father leaves.
I still feel a little strangled and there's bruises around my neck. I hope no one asks about it. I don't want to explain. I know Mother's mad at me all the time and I guess it was my fault, leaving for a week like that. It's always my fault, isn't it? I wish there was something that wasn't my fault.
27 January 1613
Today Simonn wasn't there, and neither was Dolora, so Sigmun and I were alone. I expected him to kiss me, but instead he asked me about the bruises on my neck like he did yesterday.
"It's nothing, really."
"No, it's not. I know bruises, and I know that's from someone strangling you."
"It's nothing! I can handle it!"
"Dianna, I'm worried! She's going to kill you!"
"I told you, I can handle it on my own!" I was getting upset because I'm not so sure I can handle it on my own anymore and I hate that.
"No, you can't!"
"How do you know what I can and can't do?"
"Maybe I don't, but you don't have to!"
I didn't say anything to that because I wish I didn't have to do this on my own.
"Please, Dianna," he said. "Please run away. You could live here, I swear. You could live with us and you wouldn't have to do anything, really."
"I can't. I can't put that on you."
"It wouldn't be any trouble. I promise. Mama would love it."
"How do you know?"
"Because Mama loves you and Simonn, too!" He paused. "Please? I just…I worry. I want you to be safe."
"I'm perfectly fine."
"Really," he said sarcastically.
"Really."
"The ring of bruises on your neck says otherwise. Very loudly."
"They'll be gone in a couple days."
"That they are there at all is bad! Please, Dianna, just run away. There's nothing wrong with keeping yourself safe."
"Just let me work it out, okay?!"
"Alright, alright. Just…keep yourself safe, alright?"
"I will."
"Good." He sighed that sort of sigh I hear from him sometimes, that one that means he's worried and tired and stressed, but something's been taken off his shoulders. I leaned against his side, because I was tired and I didn't get much sleep last night, and he pulled me up onto his lap and I fell asleep resting my head on his chest. I felt him stroking my hair and kissing my forehead and my cheeks and he was just very sweet. I don't know why he does things like that. He's so affectionate and it's so strange because it gives me this funny feeling inside and I never thought anyone could make me feel actually loved like that.
Anyways, he didn't wake me up or anything until it was almost dark out. Dolora asked me to stay for dinner, but I told her I had to go home because I did, so Mother wouldn't hurt me like that again.
28 January 1613
I had one of those dreams last night, about the two girls I don't quite recognize, and this time the older girl hugged me and whispered, "I love you. Thank you…mother." At least I have a better idea of what she's saying. But I think there was something between "thank you" and "mother". I wonder what.
29 January 1613
Today Sigmun and I were kissing after Simonn left (we studied geometry and then Simonn left because he had to move firewood) and it was wonderful and I felt my blood taking up more space under my skin. I was kissing him and then he moved to kiss my neck, which normally I like very much, but my bruises weren't quite gone and when he kissed me right on one of the worst bruises, it hurt horribly and I yelped.
"Ouch!"
"Oh my goodness—I'm so sorry—I didn't—I just forgot…"
"It's—it's alright. I'm fine," I said, trying to catch my breath (It's surprising how much kissing makes me lose my breath). He hugged me, saying again how he was sorry, was I hurt, he was so sorry he forgot.
"I'm fine, Sigmun. Really I am."
"Are you sure?"
"Mm-hmm. Completely."
"Alright…" He kissed my cheek and stroked my hair and I leaned forward and kissed him again, because I wasn't hurt and I really like kissing him anyways.
Dolora came home eventually and she asked me if I'd like to stay over the next day, because Simonn was, so I said of course. That'll be fun.
8 February 1613
Well. That was almost a huge disaster.
I left my journal at Sigmun and Dolora's after I stayed over there. I thought I lost it at home, so I practically tore up the house searching for it. But then, yesterday, I saw it sitting on a side table in front of a few other books, so I grabbed it and brought it home and I'm pretty sure no one read it, but that was a very, very close call.
Anyways, it was a lovely overnight and it's been a decent few days. Could be better, could be worse. My bruises are mostly gone and it doesn't hurt when Sigmun kisses my neck (I do love that feeling). And I haven't had so many dreams, so that's nice.
10 February 1613
A letter came from Neolla today. She talked about school and how it's going well and even though there's a lot of pressure to do very well (apparently there's one teacher who punishes anyone below a ninety percent, which means that of a hundred questions they got ninety right), she likes it. It sounds absolutely horrendous to me, but she says she likes it.
We studied French today. It's such a lovely language. I'm glad I don't have to go to school to learn it.
11 February 1613
Mother drank a lot today and got very, very sick. She vomited all over the carpet and I got cuts all over my hands and knees trying to clean it all up because of the broken glass. But I'm fine. At least, I tell everyone I'm fine. Sometimes I tell myself I'm fine and sometimes I even manage to believe it.
13 February 1613
Today we practiced calligraphy and wrote a letter back to Neolla. It as an encouraging letter. We tried to make it optimistic and happy. I hope she likes it.
After Simonn left, Sigmun kissed me and it was intense and exciting like it is and I felt far happier than I have in a while, which isn't saying much, but it's nice. And when I had to leave, he kissed me once on the cheek and said, "I love you."
"I love you too."
And I do.
14 February 1613
Mother and I had a worse fight than usual today, which is saying something. It wasn't even over anything that made sense. She was just yelling at me over everything, absolutely everything. She yelled at me because I'm useless and helpless and hopeless, I'm ugly and too clever and disobedient and stubborn, I'm never going to be able to attract a man on my own, I'm a horrible daughter with horrible friends, every single damn thing about me that's wrong. Which is everything. I just feel miserable.
16 February 1613
I almost broke down today. I feel like I'm getting closer to shattering every day that goes by. I know that Sigmun would probably be sweet and hug me and probably he'd ask me to stay at least for dinner, and I know Dolora would make me tea and chicken soup and she'd tell me I'm perfect just the way I am (she says that a lot), and I know Simonn would roll his eyes and tell me that at least I'm not torturing myself anymore. I know they'd be nice. But I don't want to break down. I can't break down. I have to hold myself together. I'm not supposed to be feeling like this. I know what it's supposed to mean, to be a woman. I'm supposed to smile, to be beautiful, to cook and clean and sew, to have children and raise them, to smile and always be just fine. I know that, and I can't be that. What am I supposed to do?
We studied proofs today, geometry proofs, and I was better at them than Sigmun, but not as good as Simonn. But then, they're all about logic, and Simonn is possibly the most logical person I've ever met.
18 February 1613
I had such a nightmare. It was horrible, horrible, horrible. I…I killed all of them. Sigmun, Simonn, Dolora, Neolla, Mariek, even Hannah. I hurt them. I tortured them. I…I woke up sobbing. I thought it was real. I nearly started crying when I saw them alive and well today. I'm such a mess.
We studied a new novel today. it was very good.
20 February 1613
I saw the strange man in the village today with a blonde girl I assume was Rose. I heard him introduce himself as John. I'm very tempted to ask him what he's doing here, but that would be rude. And what about the Rose girl? Is she his wife or his friend or what? How odd this whole affair is.
We studied chemistry today. It's certainly better than biology or physics.
21 February 1613
I do like the hours after Simonn leaves when Sigmun and I are alone and I can kiss him as much as I like. Maybe it's selfish, but I do like kissing him very much. I like the feeling and the intensity and that there is someone in the world who likes to kiss me. I really do like that smell of forget-me-nots; I think it's because Dolora grows them in pots in the house throughout the year. I think forget-me-nots are my favorite flower, even lovelier than daffodils. It's just nice, knowing he loves me. It's nice knowing there's someone who does.
22 February 1613
Much as I love Sigmun, he can be so completely tactless sometimes.
Hannah came over today to practice writing and since Simonn was there, I thought I should probably let Simonn show Hannah how to write because they really should talk more. How else do you fall in love with someone? So after Hannah started, I said I had to go collect herbs for Dolora (which wasn't actually a lie) and I told Sigmun to come with me.
"Why?"
"Because I need help finding herbs."
"I think you're fine."
"Then you can carry the basket."
"Do I have to? It's so nice inside."
"Come on, we're going," I said, dragging him outside.
"What was that all about?" he snapped.
"Simonn. And. Hannah."
"Yes?"
"They love each other,"
"So?"
"So I'm trying to get them to see that!"
"Okay…I'm still not sure I get it."
"We leave them alone together, they'll talk, then realize they love each other, and it'll all work out."
"I guess so…"
"You are so tactless…"
"I am not!"
"Well, only sometimes."
"Gee, thanks."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."
"S'alright. I'm not mad anyways."
"Good to know."
Anyways, we gathered herbs and when we got back, Hannah had left and Simonn was shaking and red. He gets shaky when he gets nervous; I've noticed that about him. He seemed a little upset, but I suppose he didn't realize I left on purpose.
23 February 1613
I had a horrible nightmare last night of the disease they talk about sometimes. I dreamed it killed everyone I love, and Mother and I were the only people left in town. I don't think a dream has ever made me feel so lonely.
We crossed the river today and found another clearing. This one had three oak trees in a row on one side, and a patch of nightshade berries on the other side. (Nightshade berries are really very scary, but easily avoided.)
25 February 1613
It took me a long time to get ready this morning because last night I fought with Mother and I didn't sleep so well. But Simonn left before I did and Dolora wasn't home, so Sigmun and I could kiss for a long time and it felt wonderful, like it always does. Even though sometimes I feel like maybe I shouldn't be, because you're not supposed to do things like that until you're married, I don't think it's so wrong. What could be wrong about something that feels so good?
27 February 1613
Mother had me meet another man today. He kept trying to kiss me, so I just stood up and left. Mother was angry with me, but she didn't touch me, she just yelled. I wonder if she feels bad about strangling me, even though it was a month ago. She'll forget before long.
28 February 1613
I don't know what I've done. I just…I don't know.
Today, after Simonn left, and Sigmun and I were kissing, and I felt that rush of energy and I felt so good, and so warm, and I loved it. And then I just realized what I was doing, and I practically shoved him away and I scrambled away and I was just completely panicking.
"Dianna?"
"Oh my goodness…what the hell am I doing?"
"What? Are you okay? Did…did I hurt you?"
"N-No, it's not that. I…I don't…I have to go!"
"What?"
"I'm sorry!" I shrieked. "I have to go!" I stood up and grabbed my cloak and I practically ran out the door. I just…what am I doing? I'm not supposed to be doing this! I mean…I'm not married to him. I'm not engaged to him. I'm just going around kissing him like…oh my goodness. I just…is it wrong? Is it a horrible thing? Am I wrong?
What the hell am I doing? I need to sort myself out. I know it's wrong, I know it must be wrong. But how can it be wrong when it's possibly the happiest I've been in my life? I don't know. I just…I can't think. I don't know.