1 March 1613
I didn't want to go see Sigmun today, but I also didn't want to stay home with Mother, and I decided risking my dignity was better than risking my sanity, so I left.
When I got there, Sigmun looked away from me and crossed his arms, like he was closing himself off from me. (Simonn was at home dealing with some spring cleaning, apparently.)
"Hi."
"Hi, Sigmun."
"Uh…do you want to read a book or something?"
"Sure. You pick."
"Okay."
He picked a history book, just on French history, and sat on the couch a foot away from me and just read, pretty much in a monotone, not like he usually does with all the inflection and hand gestures. I felt so horrible about it, because I didn't mean to panic like that, it just all came at me and I…and I panicked.
He was a few pages in when I blurted, "I'm sorry!"
"What?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to panic like that, I just…I just can't…I…I'm sorry!"
"It's alright. I understand." He sounded so dejected, even a little hollow, like he thought I didn't love him anymore.
"No, it's not…you don't…I still love you! I do! It's just…you're supposed to do things like this, you're allowed to, and I'm not, I'm not supposed to even be close to a boy until I'm married, and I just…I can't!"
"Sorry, but…I kind of lost track of that."
"I mean…isn't that what boys are supposed to do, go around kissing all these girls before they get married? And then girls aren't supposed to go near any boys before they get married…And here I am kissing you all the time and I like it and that's just not supposed to happen!"
"…I'm still lost."
"What else can I possibly explain?!"
"Well, if boy are supposed to kiss girls, but girls aren't supposed to kiss boys, who're the boys supposed to kiss?"
"I never said it made sense, did I?"
"Well, if it doesn't make sense, they why bother with it?"
"Because that's how things are and I just do my best to deal with it. I'm used to it."
"So…you still love me?"
"Of course. Don't be dumb."
"Good…because I still love you."
I scoffed. I didn't really mean to, it just came out.
"I mean it!"
"I know."
"Then what was that all about?"
"Well, what's the point if you can't kiss me?"
"The point is that I love you!"
I didn't really have anything to say to that, so I just pulled my knees up to my chin and wrapped my arms around my legs. It's something I do a lot. I think it was Simonn who told me it's probably self-protective. "This is crazy."
"What is?"
"I don't even know what I'm supposed to think anymore."
"You could try not worrying about what you're supposed to think and just think whatever you like." He wasn't sarcastic at all, which I found a little bit strange.
"You think I haven't tried? Every time I think I've got it, my mother just throws everything back in my face and screws it all up again!" I know I spat the word "mother", but I just hate her so much sometimes!
"Well…if it helps…I mean, no one can read your mind. If you think something, no one knows unless you tell them. For all I know, right now you're thinking about how much you hate me."
"I'd never think that!"
"Well, that's nice to know."
He sat there for a while before he moved over a little closer to me and put an arm around my shoulders, very slowly, like he thought I'd push him away. I don't want to push him away. I like knowing someone cares.
"So…do you want to keep reading?" he finally asked.
"I…sure."
I was tired and I felt a little bit sick, but I was happy that I was with him, because I still love him. I just…I want to kiss him, I like kissing him, but I know I'm not supposed to. It's so confusing. What I want to do and what I'm supposed to do run directly opposite and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
2 March 1613
Today, when I came over, he looked awkward and a little nervous, so I kissed him once on the lips, quickly, because I like kissing him and I don't want to lose that. I think that it's more important that I love him and he loves me, but kissing is nice and I'd rather be able to kiss him than not.
Anyways, I told him I was sorry, and he said it was fine, he wasn't upset, he forgave me, even though I hadn't done anything that needed forgiving, and would I mind terribly if he kissed me, and I said no, not at all.
I hope he means that he forgives me. I'm so close to snapping these days that I'm not sure what will push me over the edge anymore.
10 June 1613
I must be getting forgetful. I lost my journal again! This time, it was under a pile of clothes I haven't moved in months, because I always feel too tired. At any rate, at least Mother didn't find it.
Well, Sigmun and I are still that special sort of close and we still kiss on the days when Simonn leaves early, which is probably about once a week. It's nice. It's nice knowing he loves me. He and Simonn try to persuade me to run away at least three times a week. I still can't.
11 June 1613
June is a lovely month. We're almost done cleaning out the clearing. It's going to be wonderful for growing food. The soil is that dark color that's good for planting, the sort farmers always look for when they're buying fields. It's certainly good that there'll be more space for food to grow, because no one has enough food around here and so many people are sick that growing herbs to help them would be wonderful.
12 June 1613
It's been a year since I kissed him for the first time. How much has happened since then. I wonder sometimes what would have happened if I hadn't. If I'd pushed him away again like when we were fourteen and he tried to kiss me for the first time. I just wonder what would have happened.
On the whole, I'm glad I didn't.
13 June 1613
Staying the night at Dolora and Sigmun's has recently become a good deal more complicated. Mostly because the roof over Sigmun's room started leaking and he sleeps on the couch now, so I can't sleep anywhere, so I get flustered and just walk home in the dark. But I know that at some point I'll have to stay over for one reason or another and I'm nervous because though I love him and he knows it, it's still very married to sleep in the same bed and a couch is even worse.
We went out the clearing with the pine tree in the middle and lied in the grass and stared up at the sky and talked about things. It was nice.
14 June 1613
I was so tempted to steal one of my mother's bottles today. I was so tempted. But I don't want to end up like her and I swore I'd be better than that. I'm not going to end up sad and alone and drinking to forget like her, if even just to prove to her that I'm better than that. I don't want to forget anything. I don't want to end up like her.
15 June 1613
Dolora took out the stitches in my arm today and told me that I could move in with them any time, I actually could, and she would clean out the guest room and I could sleep there, I didn't have to live with my mother. She continued in that vein for quite a while and she's right, I just don't want to admit it.
16 June 1613
I feel ill again, and I hope I don't actually have a cold. I don't want to get sick now; I just have two more months left. Two months plus a few days until freedom from my mother.
I wonder what my life will be like without her. What will I do with my evenings and nights? Will I have fewer nightmares? How will I buy food and fabric? What will it be like to fall asleep without crying, without anger and resentment holding my breath in a tight knot in my chest?
I look forward to it.
17 June 1613
Well. Today has been completely humiliating and kind of funny. Mostly because Simonn doesn't usually come over late, and Dolora wasn't home and—
I'll start from the beginning.
I thought it was just Sigmun and I today, because Dolora had to go to town for work and Simonn didn't show up for two or three hours. He almost never comes late. So, we sat for a while, just reading a book, and had lunch, and it was just a normal sort of day. But then, when we were sitting on the couch after lunch, I felt his hands slowly inch around my middle more and more until we were completely wrapped around each other. And for some crazy reason, I found I had enough courage to lean up just a little and kiss him right on the lips. He kissed me back and I felt his hands reach up to thread through my hair. I threw my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his even harder, I don't even know why. I opened my lips a little and I felt him do the same and I fell on top of him so that I was pressed so close to him that I could feel his heartbeat. I started kissing his neck and his breath was so hot against my skin and he made this sort of moaning sound that made me want to faint. Then he started kissing my neck and I couldn't help but whisper his name and he kissed me even harder, so I thought I'd get a bruise (thank heaven I didn't, I don't want to explain that to Mother). I kissed his lips again and our mouths were pressed so tight against each other that everything else faded.
Apparently that included the sound of the front door opening and closing and Simonn shouting, "Hey guys!" Because a long time later, I heard Simonn say, "So, when's the wedding?"
I pulled away from Sigmun faster than I thought was possible and we both sat up awkwardly and I saw Simonn smirking. I felt my face turn a really awful shade of crimson. "Seriously. You two…It's probably a good thing I'm not Dolora!"
Sigmun sort of gaped for a long moment and then just shut his mouth. "We…I…uh…I…we…"
"It's fine," Simonn laughed. His face had gone red from laughing. "Come on then. Anyone want to go pick berries?"
"If you swear never to tell anyone about this," Sigmun said.
"C'mon. What sort of person do you think I am?"
"Let's go," I said. "I'll get the baskets." I stood up and I was shaking. "Can we pretend this never happened?"
"You two feel free. I think I'll bring it up when there is a wedding."
"SIMONN!" Sigmun shouted.
"What? It's hilarious."
"Stop it!" I protested.
"I was right, wasn't I? I said you had nothing to lose. I said it over and over and over—"
"Wait—you knew?" Sigmun shouted. "You knew the whole time?"
"Yeah."
"How?"
"Both of you told me, then made me swear not to tell, and then stubbornly resisted every hint I dropped. It was kind of impressive, actually."
"I—I don't even know what to say."
"You could try saying that you're both idiots and at least you figured it out somehow."
"I hate you," I contributed.
"You don't. Let's go."
And, to be honest, I don't.
18 June 1613
I made a deal with Simonn today; I told him he had to tell Hannah by the end of October. He could tell her on All Hallows' Eve, that would be so romantic. I think they deserve each other. Simonn's still fretting, though. I'd make Hannah swear to tell, too, but she's so shy it might just be mean. Simonn's not shy, just nervous.
19 June 1613
Sigmun seems worried. Of course he is; my face blooms with fresh bruises almost every day now. I don't want him to worry, but I can't cover up the bruises without making it obvious. Simonn's worrying, too, that much is clear. But he covers it up better. Simonn has to cover it up for his siblings, lest they worry as well. But he really needn't bother around us; I want to know if he's worried, so maybe he can open up about it. I know talking about things helps, and I want my friends to be happy, so I wish they'd both just talk more.
20 June 1613
Dolora did a few more stitches today, this time in my hand, and she said, "Dianna dear, speaking as a doctor, you really should leave. it's horrible for your health, both your body and your mind." She had that medical tone, but I knew she was worried.
I shrugged, because I didn't know what to say. "I don't know."
"Dear, speaking as…" She paused, like she wasn't quite sure what to say. I wanted her to say "your mother", but I didn't want her to feel responsible for me. I just…I can't explain why I wanted her to say that, either. It's crazy. I just wanted to have a mother, or at least pretend. I just don't want to be nobody's daughter, no one's pride and joy, no one's little girl. I'm no one's child.
"Speaking as your mother, I can't condone you staying."
I felt tears in my eyes and I hoped I could pass them off as hurting from the stitches, but I knew I couldn't. Dolora knows me too well. So I let myself cry, just a little, and Dolora hummed a little lullaby I seem to remember hearing before, something in French. "It's alright, Dianna dear. It's going to be just fine."
"How can you say that?"
"It's always fine in the end, dear. Always."
I just nodded and let her finish wrapping the stitches. "Keep this clean, and then make sure you're here tomorrow so I can put on more salve."
"I will."
"And eat a full bowl of stew tonight, and some bread if you can, and drink plenty of water, and get a good night's sleep, and chew mint leaves before bed, and use a thimble if you really must sew with a cut like that—"
"I will, Dolora."
"Alright, dear. Be careful."
"I will be, I promise." It's practically a game now, her reminding me of everything I don't like to admit I forget to do. And I love her for it.
21 June 1613
I did get some sewing done, because I'm making a new quilt and it's taking a while. I might take it to Dolora and Sigmun's and work on it there some, because they all know how to sew. At least I haven't lost my book of patterns yet. I've had the same one since I was six. I think everything I've ever sewn has been in that book.
Anyways, today we planted some herbs and a few berry bushes in the clearing now that it's empty of thorn bushes and prickly plants. I don't remember what the proper name of the prickly plants is; I just call them pricklies. Sometimes Dolora has us collect them and that's difficult because you have to be very careful pulling the leaves off the stem. I mastered it a long time ago, because I suppose writing and sewing and knitting has made me relatively dexterous.
22 June 1613
I feel so torn. I see three ways out of my predicament: I could marry one of the men Mother wants me to marry, I could keep living with Mother until I turn eighteen, or I could run away. I am never, not in a million years, going to marry one of the men Mother's tried to get me interested in. That leaves two options, one infinitely more appealing than the other. I don't know why I don't leave.
23 June 1613
Two months minus one day left. I can get through this. I know I can. At least, I'll try.
We studied physics today and Simonn explained it quite well, but i feel too afraid to really absorb it the way I used to. If that even makes sense.
24 June 1613
I had such a strange conversation with Sigmun and Simonn today.
"You know, Dianna, I just don't understand you sometimes," Simonn said.
"I don't understand me sometimes. That's part of being a person."
"No, I mean…What's your favorite color?"
"Green, the olive colored kind."
"Favorite book?"
"Lost at Sea."
"Do you prefer pencils or pens?"
"Pens. They don't wear out so quickly."
"What do you think of your birth family?"
"I don't know them well enough to really care."
"What about your mother?"
"I don't love her and I want her out of my life."
"What about Sigmun and Dolora and I?"
"Well, I love all of you, if that's what you mean."
"Are you optimistic or pessimistic?"
"Rather a mix, I think."
"Give me five things you know about yourself."
"I'm short, I like to read and write, I'm stubborn, I'm relatively clever, I love you and Sigmun and Dolora."
"How many hours of sleep do you need a night?"
"Eight and a half or so."
"How do you know you're sick?"
"My head hurts by my forehead, my nose gets stuffy, and my back hurts."
"Do you prefer sciences or humanities?"
"Humanities, because there's lots of right answers and all of them make sense."
"Why do you like languages?"
"Because it's amazing that words mean certain things to certain people, the way words can change people's minds or break their hearts or mend them again."
"Would it be safer here or at your mother's house?"
"Here."
"Why don't you leave?"
I had no answer for that.
"Give me five things you like about yourself."
"Uh…I can read and write…I…um…Give me a second…"
"See, that's what I mean. Sigmun, give me five things you like about yourself."
He looked surprised, but he said, "Let's see…I'm quite clever…I'm pretty brave…I'm good at speaking in public…I have you all…and I'm good at swimming. Simonn, you list five."
"Well, I'm very smart when it comes to science, I can take care of my siblings, I'm a pretty decent teacher, I have the two different eyes, and I can do math pretty damn well."
"How the hell do you just pick five things and list them off like that?" I asked.
"Not without difficulty," Sigmun contributed. "It's not exactly easy listing five things you like about yourself!"
"But that's my point!" Sigmun said. "Here you are, rattling off answers to really complicated questions, and you can't list five good things about yourself. Sigmun, how many hours of sleep do you need?"
"Um…several?"
"Humanities or science?"
"Uh…humanities."
"How do you feel about your birth mother?"
"I…uh…I don't know! That's a hell of a question!"
"See what I mean?"
"Yeah, I suppose so." I sighed, because Simonn's right. "I bet I can name six things I like about both of you."
Simonn rolled his eyes.
"I can! Okay, Simonn. You're the cleverest person I know. You're really kind to your siblings. You're perceptive about people. You're a good listener. You keep calm in emergencies. And you're not afraid to say you can sew and knit and cook." Simonn rolled his eyes again, but I saw him blush. "Sigmun. You're the bravest person I know. You're sweeter than honey. You look at the world like it can be changed, not like it's stuck kind of this way. You want to change the world for the better. You're kind to most everyone. And you have a very good reading voice." Sigmun hid behind the book.
"I take that challenge," Simonn said. "Sigmun. You're kind, brave, motivated, optimistic, clever, and helpful. Dianna. You're smart, perceptive, kind, outspoken, genuine, and you challenge people." I buried my face in my knees.
"My turn," Sigmun said, putting the book down. His face was still red. "Dianna, you're kind, and you're clever, and you don't back down, and you're good at listening, and you're good at figuring out people, and you're an excellent writer. And I think you're beautiful." I pulled my knees closer to my chest. "Simonn, you're smart as hell, and you're also good at listening, and you give good advice, and you're confident, and you're kind, and you're reasonable no matter the situation. Oh, and the two different eyes thing is really interesting-looking, too."
"Thanks," I said, though I'm not sure they heard because I was still hiding my face in my knees.
After that, it was dark and I had to leave for home. But I keep thinking. Five things. I'll just try to come up with five.
25 June 1613
We planted more berries and herbs and other plants in the clearing. It'll be cultivated properly by next year. The seeds this year are mostly about making sure the weeds don't come back.
Five things. One: I can read and write. Two: I…I like how I can resist my mother. Three…Oh, I don't know. I'm tired. I'm going to go to bed. I'll think on this more after a good night's sleep.
26 June 1613
It was a bad day with my mother today. I can't think of the last good day with her, actually. But today was worse than most and I feel sick to my stomach from the smell of alcohol and vomit and drying blood. I don't want to add to the smell with my own vomit, but I feel so sick. I ought to clean up some tomorrow.
27 June 1613
I did clean up the house today and it doesn't smell so bad, but everything feels tainted and stained. My whole life feels tainted.
We read today, a book of poetry by someone whose name I don't quite remember. It was nice spending time with Sigmun and Simonn. I still love my friends more than anyone or anything else in the world.
29 June 1613
I was so tired yesterday I just forgot to write. Anyways, we crossed the river and we explored yesterday and today. And there's another deer path we found that leads somewhere. We don't have enough time to follow it to its end.
30 June 1613
Today when I went to Sigmun and Dolora's and I opened the door (Dolora never latches it during the day and I can undo the latch from the outside anyways), Rosalie from the city was sitting at the table with a cup of tea.
"Um…Hello, Miss Lalonde," I tried, confused.
"Rose, please," she said. "And you're Dianna?"
"Mm-hmm." I didn't really know what to do, so I slipped into the library and, when no one was there, checked behind the bookshelf where I once caught Sigmun reading romance poetry. I suppose he's still a little embarrassed.
"Sigmun, uh…why is Dolora's…friend here?"
He jumped again and dropped the book of romance poetry that I quite like, too.
"You scared me, jeez…"
"Sorry. But what on Earth?"
"She's…uh…she's staying here for a few days, Mama said. I don't know why."
"Alright." I was too tired to ask further. "Is Simonn going to be here?"
"I don't know."
I nodded and said, "You pick today."
He stood and plucked a book off one of the higher shelves (Dolora said we could read whatever books we could reach) and we sat on the couch and read this book on what they're now calling the Hundred Year's War. It wasn't war for one hundred years, so I don't know why they call it that, but there you have it.
Anyways, I couldn't sleep last night, so I curled up on his lap and rested my head on his chest and fell asleep like that because it was very comfortable and he was breathing softly and I fell asleep easily. When I woke up, he was asleep, too.
I woke him up on accident when I shifted trying to get a blanket because I was cold, even though it's June. By then it was late enough that I had to head home, but Sigmun asked if I'd stay for dinner, and when I asked why, he said he that it was dumb but he really didn't want to eat dinner with just Dolora and Rose, so I laughed and said I'd stay. He's sweet.
So I stayed for dinner and it was quite good and Rose kept asking questions about what it's like living in the village, which Sigmun and I couldn't answer because neither of us really do. But she seems nice and I think Dolora's happy with her. I hope so, anyways. I like it when Dolora's happy.