Chapter 16: If I Would Have Known
"So do you think I could get in?"
"Well, I think if you work really hard Austin, you might… surprise yourself."
"Surprise myself and get into UCF?" I asked eagerly.
Ms. George gave a sigh as she looked sadly at me. She looked at me the way teachers do when you just failed the final. The look that wants to help, but can't.
This was my first and only senior conference with my counselor. I had been waiting weeks to show her my plans. I was hoping I'd get some encouragement from her. Since I enrolled at Marino High School so late, most of the teachers don't know me. They've seen me on TV and heard my music on the radio, but don't know me personally; Like they know the other kids. I try to ask for their help, but they are all so busy with others seniors; Seniors they've known since freshmen year. Ms. George is the only educational adviser I have. I was counting on her to build me up.
"Austin, I'm really proud of you. You've improved so much from when you first started here. However, UCF is a highly competitive school. Maybe you should consider another university. Maybe UCF isn't for yo-"
"No, it is for me. It's perfect." I almost fell out of my seat as the words quickly bursted out of my mouth. I leaned in closer to her. She seemed a little put off by my intensity, but if she knew what was at stake for me, she would understand.
"Austin, there are many other schools that offer music majors-"
"But not all of them offer Chemistry and Music." I hinted trying to make Ms. George understand.
As if finally understanding, she rolls away from her desk to fully face me. I swallow deeply as she mentions her name. Even when it's expected, her name still brings me chills.
"This is about your friend Ally."
I nod as if it's obvious before explaining.
"She wants to double major in Chem and Music. She's been eyeing UCF brochures for months now."
"Austin, It's never a good plan to follow your friends after high school-"
"I'm not following her. I... like the school too." I respond half honestly.
"At least let this be your reach school and have two back-ups."
"I-" I start unsatisfied with the compromise.
"Please, Austin, trust me."
I nod. When our meeting is over I return to class. Through out Pre-Calculus I only had one thing on my mind: Getting into UCF.
If I don't get into the University of Central Florida, I could lose my connection with Ally and risk losing my best friend forever. I have to get in. And I have to get a full scholarship. I couldn't ask Ally's parents to pay for college. They've already taken care of all my high school expenditures. College is something I'll need to figure out myself. Of course I have money from all the CD's and Shows I've done, but my parents control that money. The last time I tried to withdraw money from my account, I was told it was frozen. I only have two choices: Get my parents to unfreeze my account, or get a scholarship. Considering the first option requires pigs to fly, I'll need to get a full scholarship to UCF.
After an hour of after school studying, I got to the house around 4:30. The house was fairly quiet, which is unusual. I set my keys on the kitchen counter and throw my jacket on one of the dining room chairs. Coming home alone is something I have to get used to. Ally and I haven't ridden together in a while. She's been letting Ethan drive her to school everyday. I've been doing better at stepping back, but seeing her with him makes every step harder and harder.
"Hi Ms. Dawson." I smiled walking into the living room.
I have to say, living with Ally does make it a bit easier. Knowing she's always next door, makes me feel closer to her than Ethan could ever be.
Ms. Dawson was watching the new "Hairspray Live" production.
"Hey Austin." She smiled.
"Aww cool. I wanted to see this." I smiled placing my backpack in the corner behind the couch.
"Take a seat! I'd love some company." She scooted over on the couch making room for me.
"Hold on, do you wanna record it and watch it later with Ally?" She hit pause on the movie.
I shook my head as I sat down next to her.
"No, she's not coming home anytime soon. She and Ethan are going somewhere to hang out."
"Aww okay." She commented turning to me.
"Yeah." I nodded with a tight smile.
"How are you dealing with everything." She asked sympathetically.
"What do you mean?"
I was intrigued with suspicion and a little bit of fear. Did she know more than I thought?
"Well, I know you must miss having your friend around all the time."
"Oh, yeah." I responded feeling relieved. She was still ignorant. Nothing to be afraid of.
She waited a beat before responding.
"I also know it's hard seeing someone you like with someone else."
She knew?
I felt heat rush into my cheeks as I buried my face into the nearest throw pillow on the couch.
"You knew all this time?" I mumbled into the pillow.
"I mean it's pretty obvious."
I laughed at her comment and lifted my head. I let out a long overdue sigh. At least now that she knew, I'd have another person to talk to about Ally.
"I just don't get what's got her so hung up on this guy? She dated him for 9 months, We've been best friends for 9 years!"
"To Ally, he's not just some guy. He's her friend too. Believe it or not, Ethan was there for her when you went on your 6 month tour."
"I was there for her. I called her all the time and texted her."
I felt attacked. How could she say Ethan was there for her. Like I wasn't? I didn't abandoned Ally when I toured for 6 months. I thought about her all the time.
"Yes, but sometimes you need a little bit more than a phone call and a text. Sometimes you need an actual person with you."
"But, I couldn't-"
"I know. And that's okay Austin. She didn't ask you to skip the tour and she didn't want you to. I'm just telling you what the after effects were. You can't have your cake and eat it too."
"Yeah, well if I knew my cake would have been stolen from me, I wouldn't have taken it for granted. I would have canceled the tour."
"Austin-"
"I would have. Pennie. If I would have known how she felt, I would have flown straight back to Miami to be with her. No questions asked. If I had known my best friend was missing me, as much as I was missing her…"
Frustration took over me as I recalled those sleepless nights I had on tour. Where my insomnia only lasted as long as the memory of our last phone conversation. It could have been the simplest of conversations. She would keep me up all night. As long as it was her soft voice on the line, I'd be replaying each word in my mind. Savoring it until our next call. If she only knew how lonely I was too.
"I would have stopped time just to be by her side. I mean, she's the reason I have- well had, this career."
My head drops as I am reminded of the other crisis in my life: My failing singing career and my relationship with my parents.
Ms. Dawson stood up and walked over to the kitchen. Without saying a word, she grabbed some letters and laid them in my hands.
With a smile she said,
"Your parents mailed these letters to the house. I think they're for you."
I took one light pink envelope in my hand and examined it like a foreign object. The stamp looked like it was from connecticut. Aunt Veronica.
Another green envelope was signed with a red pen and stamped with a Boston stamp on the corner. Uncle Fred.
"They are all birthday cards from my relatives." I concluded setting the rest of the colorful envelopes down.
Ms. Dawson's face lit up.
"It's.. not my birthday today. It was three months ago. I was on punishment before, so I wasn't allowed to read any of the letters. I guess they're giving them to me to read now."
"Well, are you going to read them?"
"Yeah, eventually. Just not now. I'm… tired."
Ms. Dawson sat down next to me and gave me a small hug.
"I tried to call your parents."
I haven't spoken to them since I picked up my things from the house. The way we left things, I assumed they didn't care about me. I had never seen someone act so indifferent towards me.
"What did you say?"
"Well, after my seventh attempt at calling them and they finally picked up, I just told your parents how you were doing and how Lester and I enrolled you at Marino High School. Your dad was very short with me, but your mom seemed concerned."
"Really? Like was she asking about me and stuff?"
"She was. She asked me if you were eating well. She also asked how you looked, how you sounded, how you liked staying here. Your mom really misses you Austin."
"Well, I wouldn't go as far as saying that. I'm surprised she asked about me, but I don't think she'd want me back."
"I'm not going to push you, but I think you should call her. I can tell she wants to hear your voice."
I gave her a small smile, but refused to agree to anything.
"She even asked about Ally. She wondered if you two had gotten together yet."
"Wow." I gave a light chuckle.
"Yeah, I couldn't answer that one." She laughed along with me.
"That's something even I wouldn't be able to answer." I replied honestly. At this point all I can think to do is hope that she breaks up with Ethan and considers me.
"My advise to you, would be to stay as close to her as possible. Don't push her, but don't step too far back either. When the time for chasing has come, you'll know."
Thank you for reading.