A/N: Warning for attempted rape in this chapter

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT THIS TIME PLEASE READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE. REALLY.

1 January 1614

Happy New Year! I didn't make any resolutions this year because I'm not sure what I don't like in my world anymore. I dislike myself, at least my external self, but I think I've mostly come to terms with my internal self. I'd certainly like to think so, anyways.

I celebrated with Sigmun and Simonn and Dolora and it felt so warm to be having a nice meal and joking about how 1614 will go and all that. I love holidays.

3 January 1614

Today we were all sitting around in the library when Simonn said, "Hey, guys?"

"What?"

"Five things you like about yourself. Go."

"I'm brave, I'm kind, I'm…good at public speaking, I'm good at history, and…I have you all," Sigmun said.

The both turned to me and I thought for a second. "I'm clever, I can speak six languages, I'm kind, I…I have a family, and I…I'm a quick learner."

"I'm intelligent, I'm taking care of my siblings pretty damn well, I'm a good teacher, I'm really good at math and science, and I'm…I'm compassionate."

"Funny, that was much easier than it used to be," I said, because it was.

"It helps not to be stuck with someone like your mother," Simonn said wryly.

"Yeah, that might be part of it," I said, and I half-smiled because I'm so glad she's out of my life.

6 January 1614

Hannah came over today and handed Simonn her letter to Dorothy to proofread. I suppose she'll send it soon. I hope Dorothy's alright; I know Hannah worries about her sisters more than anything else. Hannah's handwriting still looks rather like a child's, but she's only just learned, so that's to be expected. She'll get better if she practices. I hope she can find time and secrecy to practice when she lives with her father.

8 January 1614

Simonn brought his siblings over today for unknown reasons. He said his mother just told him to take them out. He didn't bring Joanne, the youngest, because she's not even two years yet. Anyways, they had a snowball fight outside again and I persuaded Sigmun and Simonn to come outside and play with them. After all, in many ways we're still children. So we all played in the snow until it was near dark and Simonn left for home. I stayed for dinner with Dolora and Sigmun and I'm still so grateful for everything Dolora does for me.

9 January 1614

Dolora got a letter today and Rose will be visiting in September, apparently. It's when she can next get away with all her duties as a seamstress and as part of that revolutionary underground. I can't believe how casual Rose is about that fact that she's part of an underground movement. But she's kind and I see how happy she makes Dolora and I think that Dolora deserves happiness. I wonder what it would have been like if the two of them had been together when I was little, if I might've been able to summon the courage to run away if there had been two adults I trusted.

Oh, and I finished my nice dress today. I can wear that on all the holidays and other days I want to look nice.

11 January 1614

I was in the market today with Sigmun and I overheard someone talking about the king, King James the first. He's Candas's father, obviously, and apparently he might make some laws about how doctors who are men can't treat women, or can only treat them under certain circumstances. If that's true, then who's supposed to treat women? I suppose people like Dolora, but I doubt they're all that common. I already know that people don't like Dolora because she's a midwife and midwives make childbirth less painful and apparently that's our punishment for what Eve did. I think that's silly because Adam ate the fruit, too. But apparently men don't get any punishment for that first sin. Is forgiveness exclusive to them? Are women supposed to wait for some other messiah to save us?

I just don't think it's fair to blame women for all the problems of the world when all the people in power are men.

13 January 1614

Sigmun made mashed potatoes today, my favorite, and when I asked him why he said it was a present. When I asked what for, he said for the hell of it. He said that he wanted to make me happy. So I smiled, because the mashed potatoes were delicious, and then I kissed him, for the hell of it and because I like kissing him. He's so sweet.

Oh, and I returned the other book and brought home a new one, this one on Russian literature. I love books. They're wonderful.

14 January 1614

Disaster has properly struck this time. Hannah's father is taking her and her two sisters and moving to another village tomorrow! I guess he's trying to find husbands for them. It's hard because Hannah's family is Jewish and people aren't nice to Jewish people, which I think is very strange. Also, Hannah's father told her she has to marry a Jewish man. Simonn's upset and Hannah's scared because she says that we protect her from her father a lot of days. I don't know if there's anything we can do.

But really, what does she mean about protecting her from her father? Unless…I dislike considering that her father might be like my mother, but…it would explain an awful lot. I must ask her again tomorrow.

15 January 1614

Hannah cried when she said goodbye to us today. She seemed so afraid, so I told her to come back to visit or to stay any time she liked. We'd find a place for her and her sisters, I know it. I'm just so worried.

She left around noon. I hope and pray I'll see her again.

9 March 1614

Well, I lost my journal for two months or so again. How intelligent I am sometimes. It was buried under my light summer quilt this time. At least I have it now. I'll keep it in my satchel so I don't lose track of it. And I'll also fold my quilts and put them away in the different seasons.

It's been nice recently. We study, we swim, we work on our projects, we discuss getting jobs. We're all going to have to get jobs soon. I'm eighteen and living on my own, and my savings are running out. I'll need to find a job sooner rather than later.

10 March 1614

Simonn sent another letter to Hannah today, asking her if she was okay and begging her to please reply so we know she's alive and, with any luck, safe and sound. I rather doubt that second point, but I don't want to discourage Simonn. I'm afraid for Hannah, too.

12 March 1614

I had one of the dreams last night about the two girls I feel like I should know, but I don't. I have no idea who they are. The older girl hugged me again, and I felt her tears on my shoulder. I hope I haven't wronged her somehow. But she said it again, "I love you. Thank you." This time I caught the whole sentence: "Thank you for being my mother." I have no idea what on Earth she's talking about. I suppose I'm her mother at some point in my future, and it's nice to know I have a future that includes children, but why would she be thanking me? For that matter, what about the other girl? The two must be sisters; they look too much alike to be unrelated, or even cousins.

I wonder.

13 March 1614

Oh my goodness. Please somebody tell me this isn't real. I'm still shaking and I think I might vomit. Again. I don't even know what to do right now. I'm too afraid to go back home, but I can't stay here forever. Why does fear have to rule my life?

I should probably write it, if only to attempt to clear my head. I need to sort out my thoughts.

I was running errands today, because all my clothes are getting old and rather torn. I needed fabric and thread to just sew myself a couple new shirts and skirts and a nice dress, one for festivals and the like. And I need a new nightdress, most definitely. Anyways, then I needed some food, too, like every week. I really wasn't doing anything different, only I took a shortcut home through an alley because I planned to visit Sigmun and Dolora before going home, because today was going to be a sewing day. I wasn't doing anything wrong, I don't think. I'm pretty sure that walking through an alley doesn't count as wrong. Does it?

At any rate, I was walking when I felt someone behind me. I wheeled around because it was getting dark and I was getting nervous and there was this huge man standing behind me with this awful look on his face, angry and terrible and something I couldn't quite pin down. He grabbed the front of my shirt and picked me up and I panicked because if he was strong enough to just pick me up off the ground, how was I supposed to escape? I tried to kick him, but missed. "Hey there, missy," he whispered, and his voice was rough as tree bark. "I hope you like men a little…shall we say cocky?"

"Please leave me alone!"

"Not a chance, you little bitch," he snarled. He threw me down and it winded me to the point where I couldn't run. But I could still scream. "GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"You know you want it, whore."

"No! Please go away!" I could feel tears stinging my eyes and it got hard to see and I was desperate and terrified, more afraid than I've ever been in my life.

He just growled at me, covered my mouth with one hand, and started pulling off my shirt, even though I was fighting as hard as I could. He grabbed my chest and it was like I was bread dough he was kneading it and it hurt, it hurt more than just about anything else. I thought I saw something shiny glint in the light and I could feel him ripping off my clothes (damn that cheap fabric) and I thought I felt something metal near my head. "GO AWAY!" I kicked again and I guess I hit his groin because he grunted and curled up like he was hurt. At any rate, he wasn't on top of me anymore, so I braced myself against a wall and tried to get my breath back. My shirt was all torn, but I wasn't about to worry about that. Anyways, I know shortcuts through the woods. I just took a deep breath and ran for my life. I could hear the man shouting behind me and I was scared that he'd follow me and kill me. Anyways, women aren't supposed to fight back. So I ran to Dolora's, because where else could I go? I have nowhere else.

"Dolora! Please open the door!" One of my legs began to give way and I realized it was broken. I have no idea how I even made it to their house.

Dolora opened the door right away and asked, "Dianna dear? What's wrong?"

I ran inside and slammed the door. I stumbled into the kitchen and collapsed on the floor, leaning against the wall. "I…I don't know…"

"Dianna dear? What happened? Why's your shirt all ripped up? Dianna?"

"There was a man…"

"Oh my goodness…Dianna…"

"I got away."

"Thank heaven. But you're hurt!"

"I'm fine."

"No, sit still. I'm getting bandages."

"But…"

"No buts. You stay right where you are."

"Where're Simonn and Sigmun?" I don't know why I asked, but I was such a mess that I wasn't thinking straight.

"Simonn's reading. I'm sure Sigmun's outside somewhere," Dolora said absent-mindedly, picking some herbs from her cupboard. She had a look of focus on her face as she plucked a few jars out of her herb cabinet. "He'll be back soon. I sent Sigmun out to check the berry bushes. That's not important. " Then she saw me try to stand up to help her. "Dianna, I mean it. Stay right where you are or you'll make the bleeding worse."

"Bleeding?!"

"Don't worry, it's just a little cut."

I moved my hand to my head and I felt blood dripping from a cut on my forehead. I don't even remember how that happened, though I seem to remember a sharp, shining knife. Did he have a knife? I don't know. "Dolora, I'm bleeding a lot!" Not to mention breathing hard and fast like I'd just been drowned.

"Don't panic, Dianna dear. You'll be fine." She called, "Simonn! Go get bandages and a bucket of water now!"

Simonn ran in a second later (I guess he wasn't going to question her, considering that I'd shouted about how I was bleeding) and I was still sitting on the floor with all that blood in my eyes and hair and mouth. I heard someone drop something and I guess it was Simonn because I think Dolora was still in the other room. But I heard Simonn set down the water and I saw him run over to me and cover his mouth with one hand in shock. "Dianna? What happened?"

"Simonn, I need to clean that cut."

"Right. Uh…sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for. Water?"

"Right here, Dolora." She cleaned up my cut and checked me for injuries, of which there were plenty.

"Broken leg. Sprained wrist. Bandages?"

Simonn handed her the whole bundle of them. "This'll hurt just a touch," Dolora said. She wrapped my wrist and I was about to tell her that it was fine, it didn't hurt so much, when she set to work on my leg (she always does this sort of quick wrapping to keep injuries clean until she can figure out everything that's broken). I winced and bit my lip because it hurt and I didn't want to cry out. I saw Dolora wince, too.

Of course Sigmun chose that moment to come home. "There're plenty of flowers, Mama! I think there'll be lots of berries."

"Sigmun, go get more bandages and my clean thread and needle from the cupboard."

I heard some crashing and general sounds of that sort of clumsiness that comes from fear and I assumed he just wasn't going to question her. She had that scary tone I heard once when we were ten and I came over and Simonn had managed to fall out of a tree (it's a talent of his) and she ordered me to get a bucket of water. I've heard it other times, too, but never directed at someone because of me.

Dolora gave me some mix of herbs and had me sit still so she could figure out where the break was in my leg and while she was in the middle of that, someone knocked on the door. I was terrified because for all I knew, it was the horrible man who did this to me and I was just so afraid. Sigmun stood to answer the door and it wasn't that man, luckily. It was a different man, almost as bad.

"Hello, does someone by the name of Maryam live here?"

"Yes, why?"

"I'm from the palace—"

"She's busy. Please come back later."

"I am from the palace!"

"Well, someone's been attacked and she's caring for her. You'll have to come back in a little while."

"Excuse me—"

"My best friend has been horribly injured. Do you have a letter? If so, I can take it. If not, you will have to come back."

"I don't care about the state of your little friend's health, this is important crown business."

"Sigmun, come in here and finish bracing Dianna's leg, will you? The break is in the middle of her shin. I'll deal with this… 'business', whatever it is."

Sigmun walked back over by me and sat next to me and took my hand and said, "It's alright, Dianna. It'll be alright."

"I'm fine, Sigmun. Don't worry."

"If that were true, you wouldn't need all these bandages and things."

I had to admit that he was right, but I didn't want him worrying.

I heard Dolora talking to the man in a very curt, irritated tone. "What do you want?"

"Important crown business."

"Clearly. What?"

"There will be an inspection of this village in three weeks' time. It would be beneficial for you to make your home presentable."

"How lovely. Now leave; I have business to attend to."

"Of what sort?"

"I believe my son told you. My daughter needs medical attention and, as a doctor, I am qualified."

"A doctor?"

"Yes. I have work to do."

"How can you be a doctor?"

"With a good deal of research and practice. Now, leave. This is my house and I will choose who may interrupt my work."

I suppose the palace man realized that Dolora wasn't going to relent, because he left and Dolora closed the door behind him. She walked back into the room where I was and sighed. "Sorry about all that, Dianna dear. How's your head?"

"What happened?" Sigmun asked, sounding shocked. I guess he'd been taking in what the palace man was saying earlier, or he guessed I was.

Dolora finished wrapping my leg and shot him a glare. "What is it?" he asked.

"Wait until I finish all the dressings."

Sigmun nodded and wrapped his other hand around mine, too. Dolora threaded the needle she uses for stitches and she told me to close my eyes and she stitched up the cut and I winced every time the needle poked my skin, but my eyes were still half-open and I saw her wince every time I did. She finished the stitches and wrapped the cut with some salve. "Right. If anything starts bleeding again, come straight to me. And you're not going home tonight."

"But I can make it, really."

"You broke your leg, Dianna dear. You're staying right here for a few days, until I can make you crutches and that cut heals up properly. I'm going to go mix something up for blood loss and then make you some chicken soup and tea." She stood and went to her cupboard of herbs and other things.

"What happened?" Sigmun asked again, everything about him seeming to radiate concern.

"I was just walking home, really. I don't think I was doing anything wrong. I took a shortcut through the alley to meet you all here and there was this man and he threw me down and he had a knife…" I choked on the thickness in my throat, but I still managed to talk. "I got away…I kicked him. But he started chasing me and I came here and…I don't even know how I got here."

"Oh, Dianna." Sigmun hugged me tightly and didn't let go for a long time. When he finally did, Simonn hugged me just as tightly and they both looked so sad. It was about then that I remembered that for all practical purposes, I wasn't really wearing a shirt and I started blushing scarlet and I had this urge to cover my chest. But I was so tired and so sore and so hurt that I just stopped caring.

Dolora came back and added another salve to the cut. She wrapped it again and had Sigmun carry me to the couch. "Now, Dianna dear, I'd advise just some soup tonight. Be careful with yourself until you're fully healed. The break wasn't complete, as far as I can tell, so I set it; it'll take about six weeks to heal completely. As for your wrist, I'll give you some ice if I can find some. Make sure to keep it up high. I'll give you something for the pain and it should heal in about three or four weeks. You can stay here as long as you need. I'll make you some crutches tomorrow."

"Thanks, Dolora. I'll pay you back for this, I promise."

"Don't worry about that, dear."

"But really—"

"I said not to worry and I meant it. Now stay here; I'm going to go get dinner ready."

Sigmun and Simonn came to sit next to me and they didn't say anything. I didn't really want them to say anything; I just wanted to rest.

I tried to eat dinner, but I vomited it all up again. I didn't move from the couch because Dolora wouldn't let me, so I just wrapped a blanket as tightly as I could around me, and even then I didn't feel any warmer. I feel awful. I don't know what I did wrong to deserve this. What did I do? Is it because of Mother? Is this my punishment for letting her down? Or is it because I'm not what a woman is supposed to be? Is that it?

It's late and I'm so glad I keep my journal in my satchel now because I need to write at times like this. I think I ought to get to sleep, though. Maybe I'll heal faster that way.

14 March 1614

I had a horrible nightmare last night. I don't know what I was expecting. It was awful, I don't even know what was happened. I was just afraid, and then once I woke up, I was too afraid to move or speak, as much as I wanted to talk to Dolora. I was just so afraid.

I'm still afraid, though. I mean, I keep thinking I've seen something moving out of the corner of my eye, but when I turn, there's nothing there. I can't focus on anything, I just can't. I haven't been sleeping so much, either, possibly because I feel like my heart is always pounding and partly because of the nightmares. But I'm so tired…

We were talking today, Sigmun and I, and he got very upset, pacing the room and everything. Dolora wouldn't let me stand up (because she was making crutches all day), so I sat on the couch. She also gave me a spare shirt and skirt to wear, for which I'm very grateful.

"We should report him to the guards."

"Sigmun…"

"I mean it. He's a criminal and he hurt you. Unless you're not okay with it? Because if that's it, that's fine too. I just think we should report him to the guards."

"Sigmun, you don't understand. He was a guard."

"What?!"

"He was a guard," I repeated.

"Well, then we should tell a different guard. He can't do that just because he's a guard!"

"Sigmun, just leave it. It's not that big of a deal." Yes it is. "It's probably my fault."

"No it's not! How can you say that?"

"Because it's true."

"No it's not! You were walking home, for heaven's sake! You shouldn't have to be afraid when you're walking home!" He grabbed my shoulders and looked my right in the eyes. "You haven't done anything wrong, Dianna. You did absolutely nothing to deserve any of this. You're an amazing person and you have done nothing to justify this. No one has ever deserved anything like this. Okay?"

"Okay, jeez."

"I mean it."

I couldn't really think of anything to say to that. Because…I guess, maybe, he was right. I was just walking. There's nothing wrong with walking home. I wasn't committing a crime, and I still think being a criminal doesn't mean one deserves that. I mean…even if I was doing something wrong, did I deserve something like that? I don't think so. I…I can't really think of a reason I would be at fault, now that I'm in full control of my mind.

What if it wasn't? What if it wasn't my fault? It's hard to believe, but…maybe.

15 March 1614

I was curious today and I asked him what he'd thought when he came home and I was lying there all bloody. I want to know if he cares, because I'm so afraid that they'll just abandon me somewhere and then it'll happen all over again.

"Honestly? Something along the lines of, 'That much blood should not be on the outside of a person, oh my goodness, what happened.'"

"Really?"

"What else could I possibly have been thinking?"

"I don't know."

"My second thought was something like, 'Oh my goodness, she's dead, she's dead, dammit, she's dead,' sort of in a loop. And then, 'Oh thank heaven she's not dead but look at her shirt and that massive cut on her head what the hell happened please don't be what I think it is, please, please don't be what I think it is.' I mean, I was kind of panicking."

"I was busy trying not to die."

"That sounds like an appropriate reaction."

"At least I have crutches now, so I can head home later."

"Are you seriously planning on walking home today?"

"Yes. I can make it and I don't want to keep taking food."

"You're not being a burden! You've got a broken leg; you shouldn't be walking two miles back home. I don't know a lot about medicine, but that much I do know."

"You don't have to pretend I'm not being a pain in the neck. I'm taking up space and food; I can make it home fine."

"I don't want to be weird and controlling, but are you kidding me? You can't walk two miles in your condition; those stitches will reopen and your leg won't last. Anyways, has anyone ever given any indication that you're being a pain? Because you're not, I swear."

"You don't have to lie to me, Sigmun. I'd rather you didn't."

"And I'm not."

"Look, I'll head home tonight and I'll come back tomorrow like I have every day for twelve years."

"Mama won't let you, you know. If you won't listen to me, will you listen to her?"

"Probably not."

"If you insist on going home, I'm walking you."

"Sigmun," I protested. "I'm fine."

"Yes, most people are fine while recovering from being nearly killed. It's been all of two days, and Mama said you shouldn't even leave the house for a week."

"Yet here I am, right next to the creek. Which very pointedly is not in the house."

"I had to follow you here! You left on your own with those crutches and I had to guess where you'd gone by which trails lead somewhere closer than half a mile. I thought you'd get stuck! I was worried!"

"You found me, didn't you? And I'm fine." I was trying to act normal, I didn't want them to worry.

"Love, when I got here, you were just getting here. And I left…what, an hour after you did?"

"Fine," I said, because he was right, I wouldn't make it two miles home. It took me about an hour and half to walk half a mile. "I'll stay just one more day."

"I guess that's the best I'll get for now. Want help getting back?"

I kind of did, but I didn't want to be touched. "No."

"Alright…"

I walked all the way there very slowly on my crutches. Sigmun walked right next to me, even though I was walking about as fast as a snail. Dolora was furious (well, that sort of furious she gets when one of us does something dangerous and she's worried) with us when we got back and asked me what I'd been thinking, I was going to get hurt. She made me swear to stay for another week in case I'd damaged myself and not to leave the house or go up the stairs.

I guess I can understand that. I don't even know why I left the house in the first place.

16 March 1614

I'm going to have a huge scar on my forehead. I guess I'll have to cover it with my hair, because I can't look nice if there's a massive, ugly scar on my face. I don't like the look of scars, and makeup won't cover it.

And I ought to make dinner, to at least try to pay back Dolora for all she does for me.

16 March, later

I had to put on more salve over the stitches and I was having trouble because to look in the mirror, I had to stand up, but I couldn't because of the crutches, so I was trying to lean on one crutch and also put on the salve when Sigmun joined me and said, "Let me get that for you, love."

"I'm fine."

"You're barely standing up."

"Details."

"I've put salve on cuts before. I'm not going to hurt you."

"Yeah, the other man took care of that."

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Well, he certainly does."

"And you're not him, so you don't have to apologize. Just help me get the salve on. Maybe I won't have such an awful scar then."

"Why does that matter?"

"Because when the whole thing heals and I'm back to normal life, I'll have this huge, ugly scar on my already awful face and that's bad enough, but…oh, never mind."

"Never mind what?"

"Never mind means it's not important."

"It's not unimportant."

"Fine. I'd like to look nice but I can't if there's a huge ugly scar scrawled on my face like some sort of pen scribble!"

"Well, I personally think it doesn't matter. It's just a scar. Everyone has them. I mean, everyone has pox marks, and everyone's gotten cuts, and everyone has some scars."

"I know I'm not pretty, and you don't have to lie to me about it, but this is not something that can be easily overlooked!"

He didn't answer for a long time and I thought he was going to confirm it, because sometimes it seems to me that nothing else matters to men but beauty.

"I could never think you're not absolutely gorgeous."

"You're just saying that. I don't even know why you bother with me."

"I don't say things I don't mean. It's just a scar. You're still the loveliest girl I've ever met."

I rolled my eyes. "You sound like a romance novel."

"It's true."

"As if. Pass me the bandages?"

"I've got it, love."

I shrugged and stood up on my crutches to walk to the kitchen to make dinner as a favor to Dolora.

"What're you doing?"

"I'm going to make dinner."

"Why?"

"Because you've all been so nice, and I intend to return the favor."

"That's very kind, but maybe wait until you can stand on your own two feet?"

"There you go, obsessing over details like standing again."

"I worry about you a lot, Deedee," he said. "You're gonna get hurt."

"It's a bit late for that."

"I mean hurt more. I'll make dinner, and you can rest and heal."

"I'll read, thank you very much. Or sew something. Something without buttonholes." I hate sewing buttonholes.

He laughed and helped me to the library. "See, you're always saying that you don't know why I bother with you, but what I want to know is why you bother with me."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm illegitimate, I'm poor, I'm short, I'm certainly not handsome, I may be clever but not like Simonn or someone, I can be pretty reckless sometimes, I—"

"Oh, just stop talking."

"What?"

"First of all, I'm shorter than you. I don't care about that anyways. Second, I couldn't care less about how much money you have. I'm not exactly rich, either. And anyways, I've known you most of my life and I know it doesn't matter that you're illegitimate. And you're very clever and I think you're the handsomest man I've ever met. And so what if you're a bit reckless sometimes? Life's more fun that way."

He was blushing a painful-looking shade of red by the time I was done. "Thanks, Dianna."

"You're welcome."

"I still have to make dinner, though."

"Fiiiine," I said. "But don't take too long. I'll get lonely."

"I can't let that happen." He grinned. I doubt any of them realize how much it means to me that they are my family. I've never really had a family otherwise and it just means so much to me that they are mine.

Oh, and I had four different nightmares last night. One of them made me relive everything that happened that day once I woke up. I'm terrified of what will happen once I go back into the village. What if another man attacks me? What if that man finds me again? What if someone does tell the guards? What will I do?

I'm scared.

17 March 1614

Today I was sitting on the couch, reading a book and not paying much attention to the world, and Sigmun reached for my arm and pulled me up and I almost screamed.

"Are you alright? Dianna?" When that awful man grabbed at my chest, he left a sore, purple and blue bruise and it hurts to raise my left arm.

"I—I'm fine…"

"What is it?"

"Just a little bruise…"

"On your arm?"

"No…"

"Dianna, did he—?"

"He bruised my chest. It's just a little swollen, don't worry."

"Do you want some ice? I bet Mama has some around here somewhere."

"I'm fine, for heaven's sake…"

"In the twelve years I've known you, 'I'm fine' has never been the truth."

"It's just a bruise. It'll heal up soon."

"If you're sure. But really, if you want some ice or willow or something—"

"No thanks, love."

"If you're sure."

"Of course I'm sure." I wasn't going to tell him how upset it makes me. I also wasn't going to tell him that I had four more nightmares last night, or that I just keep reliving it, over and over and over. I don't even know why. It just keeps happening. I want to tell Dolora, but I don't know what she'll say and I'm afraid it means there's something wrong with me. On the other hand, I'm not sure I can stand one more day of these nightmares and reliving it and how scared I am.

18 March 1614

I told Dolora because I had five nightmares last night and I just couldn't cope with it all. She told me that first of all, nothing was wrong with me, and second of all, it was a good thing I told her.

"Dear, it's normal to have nightmares. There are a lot of herbs that can help."

"Really?"

"Of course, dear. Do you want to tell me about them?"

"I…I don't know."

"Either way, it's fine. But it's important to know that you're safe here. I won't let anything hurt you, dear."

"It's just…they're terrifying. They feel so real…"

"I know, little love. I know." She hugged me and I wanted to cry again, but I didn't. I didn't want to start crying again, because I feel like I always end up relying on Dolora and I don't want to be such a child when I'm eighteen years old. "Dianna, if you write them down, it might help."

"Alright…"

"Dear, talk to me any time you want to. Now, would you like something for the nightmares?"

"Yes please."

"Alright. Try some valerian tonight, and a cup of chamomile tea. If it doesn't work or if it gets worse, you can try something else."

"Thank you."

"Any time, dear." Dolora stood and picked a couple jars out of her cabinet and mixed a few things, and then put them on the stove. "If you'd like to try writing, you can borrow a paper and pen."

"It's alright."

"Alright."

She looked at me with concern, but she kept cooking. I can tell she's worried.

At any rate, I thought I'd try to write the nightmares down. Not here, of course. I thought I'd like to write them on other paper and then throw those in the fire. I don't want to be reminded of this when I'm older and I reread this journal.

I hope the valerian works. I'm afraid I'll have more nightmares tonight, but I'm more afraid that I won't be able to stop having nightmares.

19 March 1614

The valerian worked a little. I only had three last night. But I'm still shaky on my feet and I'm still terrified of what will happen once I go into the village, which I'll have to eventually. I hope Sigmun and Simonn won't mind coming with me. I don't want to face anything right now without my best friends, especially a prospect so terrifying.

We read today and I think I'm healing somewhat. I've heard it said that having a family and friends makes one more resilient to things like this and I hope so, because I think I have a family and friends.

I think a lot about telling the guards. I know nothing would be done, because nothing is ever really done, but I'm just afraid that since he is a guard, he'd find me and try to get revenge. But it might be nice to get some sort of ending to this.

I doubt it would do any good. Maybe I shouldn't. Sigmun says I should, but he's irritatingly optimistic and he thinks it might do some good. Simonn says I should, but he also doesn't understand how scared I am. Dolora just looks concerned and says I should never risk my health, and whichever option feels better for my health of mind and body is the one I should take.

I think I'm too scared to tell.

20 March 1614

Sigmun sat next to me on the couch today while I was all wrapped in blankets, because I still feel cold all the time, and he asked, "Hey, Dianna?"

"Yeah?"

"Honest answer. Are you okay?"

"Honestly?"

"Yes."

"Not at all."

"Want to talk about it?"

"What is there to talk about? I'm terrified of going into the village, I'm afraid if I tell the guards he'll find me and try for some sort of revenge, I have at least three nightmares a night, I just keep reliving the whole mess over and over to think if there was anything I could have done, and I'm freezing cold all the time. I feel like shit."

"I just thought I'd ask."

"It's alright," I said. "I just…I'm scared."

"There's nothing to be scared of here."

"I know that. But outside this house, and I suppose the woods, the world is frightening. And it's awful."

"I bet you could defend yourself. You stood up to the other man."

I shivered and pulled the blankets tighter. "Please don't talk about him."

"Okay, I won't. I still think you're strong enough to fight back." I hate sometimes that he has such faith in all of us, because I know someday he will be let down. But it's nice that someone believes in me.

"Not in this condition."

"Once you're better. I mean, bad stuff happens. But sometimes the best thing to do is just learn something and then move on."

"You think I'm not trying!?"

"I didn't mean that," he said, holding up his hands. "I just mean that you're really strong and this isn't your whole life. It's just part of it. And there's thirty, forty years left for you to live. So I just mean…it's just one thing in life. Not all of it."

"Sure feels like all of it." I was still shivering horribly. I still couldn't get warm.

"Well, it's not. Neither was living with your mother, or our visit to the city, or any of it. A life is made of lots of parts, and this is just a little one." He paused. "Do you want some tea?"

"Tea?" I said skeptically.

"Chamomile tea. It helps sometimes, especially if you haven't been sleeping."

"How do you know I haven't been sleeping?"

"Just a guess."

I shrugged. "Alright, if you don't mind."

"Of course I don't mind. You're my best friend."

"I think rather more than that!"

"What, do the last eleven years of friendship not count?"

"Of course they do! But I think the past two years count, too."

"Well, I'm still making you tea."

I rolled my eyes, but I let him make tea because I thought it might help.

I ate a whole bowl of stew today and I only felt like throwing up a little, so that's a definite improvement.

21 March 1614

I wish there was something to help me sleep though the night. I haven't in a while because whenever I wake up, I'm too afraid to sleep again. And I still can't get warm, no matter what I do. I just keep shivering. I'd like to hug someone, because then maybe I could get warm, but I'm kind of afraid of being touched right now. I know it's crazy, but I'm afraid that if someone touches me, they'll hurt me, or I'll just end up reliving this whole mess one more time.

At least I've convinced myself that it wasn't my fault.

22 March 1614

Sigmun tried to hug me yesterday while I was buried in blankets and I almost jumped out of my skin.

"No, don't touch me!"

"Jeez, I'm sorry, I just thought a hug would help…"

"No, it's just…I'm afraid," I admitted.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Well, if you don't want me to touch you, I won't."

"It's not that—I mean—jeez, I can't even get my head in order right now…"

"I know," he said simply. "But tell me when I can try to help comfort you with a hug, because I'm not really sure what else to do." He looked unsure and worried.

"It's alright," I said. "Just…" I curled in on myself. "I'm cold."

"In more ways than one."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Mama says a cold body means a cold mind."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning if you really can't get warm, it's because you're afraid, or sad, or something."

"That makes all sorts of sense."

He nodded. "Yeah."

I sat there shivering for a while before I said, "Uh, a hug would be nice about now."

"Alright. If you're sure."

"Very much so."

He hugged me over the layers of blankets and said, "Is this helping?"

"A little."

I took off one of the blankets before I went to bed because I didn't feel quite so cold.

23 March 1614

I just read today. I read a sweet romance book. And I only had three nightmares, and none of them were screaming ones. Also Dolora helped me walk around some today. She said if I just sit there forever, I'll forget how to walk. So, strange as it felt, I practiced walking.

Also I wasn't so afraid when Sigmun hugged me today and I wasn't afraid when Simonn hugged me, either. But I still dread the village, and the guards, and just about everything outside Dolora and Sigmun's home and the woods. And even a few things in the woods, but just the usual.

24 March 1614

I walked a little more today and I guess I felt a little better. I mean, I didn't almost jump out of my skin when Sigmun sat right next to me and we read a book together with Simonn, too.

I've been thinking about going to the village. Dolora said she might have to send us to get herbs and fabric and all that and I'm worried, because first of all Simonn doesn't know anything about fabric with all the time he spends caring for his siblings so he'll insist I go, and second of all we can't run all the errands with just two. Believe me, Simonn and I tried once.

They'll make me go and I'm terrified. I'll get hurt again, I just know it. I suppose if I protest enough, they won't make me, but I rather have to go. I'm afraid.

25 March 1614

I ate my three square meals today and I walked to the creek and back with Dolora's help. She's so kind and she's so much more my mother than anyone else that it hurts me to see her so worried for me. But I'm making progress and I physically feel better, at any rate. I haven't been needing so many blankets and I haven't really felt so nauseous. I mean, my nightmares haven't been getting any better, but I don't usually wake up crying.

Sigmun hugged me today and he didn't let go for a long time and when I asked him why, he said, "I was so worried when this first happened that you'd never get better and now you're letting me hug you so this is making up for the week and a half when I couldn't hug you." He said it all in one breath, and I barely caught most of it.

"It's alright, I'm fine, I promise."

"Could I…could I maybe kiss you?"

"I guess so…" I gave him a quick kiss and it wasn't so bad, not like I was dreading it would be. I don't know quite I was so afraid, but I was. Anyways, then I helped make dinner and Dolora said if my leg doesn't hurt too much, I can walk for just a little bit without crutches.

I guess I'm getting better.

26 March 1614

My whole body ached when I woke up today and I realized that I'd been thrashing around in my sleep and hit my bad wrist on something. I feel so ridiculous.

I can't write much more today. Dolora wants me to do some "exercises" or something with my healing wrist and do some walking with and without crutches so I can make sure I don't lose any functionality in either my wrist or my leg. Doctors have to know a lot more than I thought.

27 March 1614

Today was an alright day, but Dolora's exercises tired me out and I think I might just sleep for the rest of the night, as long as I can. I want to sleep forever, and I want to sleep right through all my nightmares so I wake up and forget them. I sometimes realize I've had a nightmares that I slept through because I wake up with this awful feeling of dread and fear and sometimes anger.

I'm just going to sleep.

28 March 1614

I forgot the valerian. I forgot the bloody valerian. I had five nightmares last night, each worse than the last and I wrote them all down on three pieces of paper and threw them all in the fire. It helped, somewhat, but I'm never doing that again. I don't want to forget it. Dolora said it might not work forever, and my body will probably work around it eventually. But it works for now, and I hope and pray it works until this new onslaught of nightmares wears off. The nightmares from one particular event usually take a few months to go away.

I hope these go away quicker.

29 March 1614

I had the valerian last night, along with chamomile tea, and I only had two nightmares. I woke up breathing hard, but not crying. And I did all those damn exercises again, and I'm feeling a little better. It's nice having Sigmun and Simonn around to remind me that I'm safe and that I'm fine and that it's not my fault and that there wasn't anything I could've done and that it was just a thing that happened, not my whole life. Which Sigmun reminds me almost every day, which actually helps. Maybe I'm crazy. But it's nice being reminded that I'm not a failure and I didn't mess up and it wasn't my fault when I was told that for twelve years.

Anyways, I'm not so afraid of going to the village. I can face anything with my best friends at my side.

30 March 1614

I'm very upset now, because today Dolora sent us to go into the village (but only if I went with Sigmun and Simonn) and we met Grantt and Orvill and Candas. I still need my crutches to get around, unfortunately.

"What happened?" Candas asked immediately. "Did you fall out of a tree or somethin'?"

"I was attacked," I tossed off.

"Like…by a man?" Candas pressed.

"Yeah," I said. I didn't really want to talk about it.

"Well, that's too bad," Candas said, and I thought she was going to let it rest. "Were you drinking or somefin?" (She has a very heavy accent of a sort I've never determined.)

"No!"

"Well, where were you walking?" Orvill added. It sounded very silly, because he stammers his w's. And his v's sometimes, too.

"Sheppard's Alley. Why?"

"Well, you were walking there, putting yourself in danger. You were kind of asking for it."

"I was walking home!"

"You were walking through an alley. I mean, what were you wearing?"

"This," I said, gesturing to my normal clothes. I wear almost the same thing every day, it's really only the colors that change.

"Come on, that's so revealing," Orvill said. "You were practically asking for it."

"I was running errands and wearing normal clothes! How is that 'asking for it'? How is anything ever 'asking for it'?" I was very upset, because I've finally managed to believe that it's not my fault and here they were, throwing it all back in my face again. And no one deserves to be hurt, ever, I don't care what they've done or what they're doing!

"You were walking through an alley and wearing that. Come on," Orvill said.

"I took a shortcut! What's wrong with a bloody shortcut?"

"I bet you were drinking anyways."

"He might've been," I muttered darkly.

"Then it's not his fault, he was drunk," Orvill said.

"So if I was drinking, it's my fault, but if he was drinking, it's not his fault? How does that work?"

"Because he was…uh…" I saw Orvill's confidence falter, just for a moment, so I grabbed onto it.

"Do you have an actual answer or should I just listen to you stammering on forever? Because I have things to do and a mind to do them with." I've never been that confident of something in my life. I've barely even spoken back to people, except Mother. Where did that sudden burst of self-confidence come from? Where did it go? For that matter, where did the crippling fear that it was my fault go?

Anyway, Simonn came around the corner and tapped me on the shoulder. "We should be getting home," he said.

"Why, what is it?"

"Dolora asked us to help her find herbs, remember?"

"Right. See you," I said to Candas and Grantt and Orvill. Grantt just stared. (It's all he ever does. He's unsettling.)

"What was that all about?" Simonn asked.

"They said it was my fault."

"Then they're idiots. We've always known that."

"Says who?"

"Says the fact that they're blaming you. No reasonable person would do that."

"Besides the princess, the son of the army general, and the soon-to-be duke."

"Just because their parents are in positions of power, doesn't mean they're necessarily that clever. Hey, I think I'm quite clever, and my father is a farmhand."

"So you don't think it's my fault."

"Of course not. That's like saying it's someone's fault if their house gets robbed."

"Thanks."

"Any time. D'you wanna take the willow or the rosemary?"

"Willow." We split up based on who's collecting which herbs.

At any rate, it's certainly nice to know that Simonn and Sigmun and Dolora don't blame me for it.

31 March 1614

I actually felt good today. I didn't feel like I was dying and I wasn't so afraid, and I only had two and a half nightmares (I woke up in the middle of one of them). And the exercises didn't hurt so much. And I was only a little afraid of the entire world. Just a little. (Alright, kind of a lot.)

I hope I'm not afraid forever. I don't want to be afraid for the rest of my life.