1 April 1614
Today was not a good day. I don't know what happened, but I had such an awful nightmare and I woke up sobbing and I was just terrified all day and I had to ask Sigmun to not sit so close because I felt so sick to my stomach. And I didn't eat much, either. I just felt awful again and I thought I might vomit. I hate this. I thought I was going to be okay! I don't want to be so scared for my whole life.
2 April 1614
I felt a bit better today. I was cold, but not so cold that I needed more than two blankets. I read all day and I ate a little stew and a little mashed potatoes. Dolora still seems worried, but I think less so than before. She had that concerned look on her face, but less like she was scared I'd die and more like she was worried because I'm so scared.
I don't want to go into the village again, but I need to sew something to replace the skirt and shirt that got all ripped up. Normally I'd just sew on a couple patches, but those clothes are full of bad memories and too blood-soaked to fix. And since I only have three shirts—now two—and four skirts—now three—I really need to make new ones. At least my petticoats and my bodice and all the rest of my underclothes are in good enough shape.
My train of thought is running wild. I wish I could distract myself like this, but I can't. I can't distract myself from how scared I am sometimes, and I know it.
3 April 1614
When I woke up this morning, I was alone. There was no one in the house and I was nervous.
"Hello?" Nothing. "Hello?"
There was nothing again, and so I stood up and started looking around then I couldn't stand anymore and I woke up for real breathing hard like I'd just run a mile.
"Whoa, Dianna, are you okay?" Simonn asked.
"What? Where…Yeah, I'm fine. Just another nightmare…"
"Okay…" He shrugged and sat next to me and said, "Let's read Principia today."
"Ugh, fine. You could be a physics teacher."
"If only."
It was then I remembered that none of us can ever really be a teacher, or can ever really have the sort of professional job we'd all like. I don't think any of us could pay for university even if they did let in a woman, an illegitimate child, or a poor son of a farmhand.
It's rather depressing.
4 April 1614
I didn't feel so bad today, so I walked to the creek with Sigmun and Simonn and we sat with our feet in the water and just talked things over. Sigmun talked about how he wants to get a job, but no one will hire him because he doesn't have a father. Simonn talked about he worries about his siblings because they're pretty much his children, and his parents because they're stressed and stressed people are more likely to get sick. I'm just scared all the time so I told them that, and also how much I worry that I'll never get a job or my mother will come back or…I don't know. I just worry a lot.
Sigmun was sweet about it, and Simonn said that even if my mother did come back, I could just slap her and walk away. He's like that. I don't think I could, is the thing. I'm afraid.
5 April 1614
I had a decent day today, I guess. I knitted a hat and read a book and ate three meals and Dolora looked so happy when I told her I felt fine and I could walk fine. She's just so loving and I feel like she actually cares about me.
Looking back at the past few days, I haven't been harping on it so much. My nightmares are…well, horrific and painful and terrifying, but my daytime hours feel a little less burdened.
6 April 1614
I felt alright today and I walked more than I ever thought I would again. I mean, I never even thought I'd be able to breathe again, let alone walk. I never thought I'd feel safe again, but I do. At least, I feel safe in Dolora's house and in the woods. I'm scared of going to the village, but not quite as scared as I was.
Dolora's going to send us into the village soon. I know I have to face how scared I am at some point, but I also don't want to put myself in danger and I don't ever want to see that horrible man again. And I'm scared that the other guards might be like him, or that any of the men in the street will be like him. It's just…maybe I'm crazy, but pretty much any man I run into could be just as bad as him and I'm scared, I'm so scared.
Oh, and I found an old, old book today and I read it through and I realized how much has changed since then. Not enough, but a lot.
7 April 1614
Well, Dolora sent us into the village today. I didn't need my crutches at all, and my wrist feels alright. The cut's healed, but the scar is still red and irritated. It's right along my hairline, so it's not noticeable right away, but it's…there. Right where I can feel it. I guess it'll never really go away.
Sigmun and Simonn went with me to the village, and they both stayed with me the whole time because I was nervous. I felt a bit safer, but I was also glad I had my friends with me to help me. I don't want to be alone.
8 April 1614
Someone knocked on the door today in the late afternoon and I answered it because Dolora was boiling bandages and it was a man I'd never met and I wanted to run away, but I didn't. I stood my ground and asked, "What do you want?"
"I am the village inspector," the man said. He had a sharp, precise voice, the way people who have never been to university but want people to think they have been talk. He was also carrying a packet of papers. "I am on the authority of our blessed King James the First. May I come in?"
"Of course," I said, and I let him in. It must've been the inspection the other palace man was talking about in March.
"Are you the lady of the house?"
"No."
"Who is?"
"Dolora Maryam. She's boiling bandages."
"And the gentleman?"
"There is none."
"Do any men live here?"
"Dolora's son Sigmun."
"So may I speak to the gentleman of the house?"
"I'll go get Dolora."
He started to protest, but I left before he could.
"Dolora!"
"What is it, Dianna dear?"
"The…village inspector is here."
"Well, tell him I told you to take care of it."
"Alright…"
The man was sitting uncomfortably in his chair when I returned.
"I've been told to, I quote, 'take care of it', unquote," I told him, sitting next to him. "What do you need to know from me?"
"Well, I would like to speak to the gentleman of the house."
"And I'm all you're going to get. What do you want?"
"Well…how many people live in this house?"
"Two."
"Names?"
"Dolora Maryam and Sigmun Vantas."
"Then what are you doing here?"
"I was injured. Dolora Maryam is a doctor. I'm staying here until I'm healed. I'm Dianna Leijon and I live in the house on the outskirts of town. If you knock on the door of a house and no one's there, that would be my house."
He nodded stiffly and said, "And their professions?"
"Dolora Maryam is a doctor. Sigmun doesn't work yet, but he's looking."
"Are any of the residents married?"
"No."
"Are any of the residents betrothed?"
"No."
"Have any of the residents ever spent time in prison?"
"No."
"Have any of the residents ever committed a felony?"
"No."
"What is the highest education level of the gentleman of the house?"
"Very nontraditional, but literate in English, Latin, Greek, and French, and able in geometry and algebra."
"And the average income?"
"You'll have to ask Dolora. Are you going to ask about Dolora's education?"
"She is the lady of the house, correct?"
"Yes."
"Was she educated at all?"
"Yes. She went to a girl's school in the city for ten years, is literate in English, French, Russian, Greek, and Latin, is able in geometry and algebra, is a doctor and a midwife, and has taught Sigmun and Simonn and I to read and write."
"And…And…uh…" He looked down at his list. "Uh…what do you know of the laws?"
"Which ones? The ones that don't let male doctors treat women, or the ones that prohibit murder, or the ones that allow a variety of crimes which are technically illegal?"
He fumbled again and then said, "The past kings?"
"Queen Elizabeth was our last monarch, I believe. She passed in 1603, correct?"
"Yes. Before her?"
"King Philip."
"And before him?"
"Queen Mary."
"Before her?"
"I believe Edward the sixth."
"Yes, correct. I presume everyone in this residence knows this?"
"Correct." I mean, everybody knows that.
Just then, Dolora walked into the room that way she does, all elegant and intimidating. "Sir, you asked to speak to the head of the household?"
"I would like to speak to the gentleman of the house."
"I am the head of household, so any questions you have, you may ask me. The only gentleman who lives here is my son."
They talked for a while and I sat to the side and tried not to panic.
He left and then I walked to the living room and collapsed on the couch, because I was exhausted from trying not to scream and run away from him. I don't like the palace men, and he had the same uniform as that awful man.
"Dear, are you alright?"
"I-I'm fine."
"I'm so sorry, Dianna dear. I didn't think it would take so long."
"It's alright. I…I just…I don't know."
"It's alright, my dear. Don't worry about it. Don't…Oh, it's alright, my dear." I'd started crying, just a little, because it's just too much to handle sometimes.
"I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Dianna dear."
I nodded and blinked a few times and then Dolora made me a cup of tea. I'm so glad she is in my life.
9 April 1614
I felt better today. I didn't think I'd ever feel better. Dolora told me to spend one more night at her house, and then I could go home. She said she'd give me chamomile tea and valerian to bring home to keep the nightmares away. I hope the worst nightmares never come back. I know they will, because they always do, but I've only been having one or two a night, and only a few of them make me wake up screaming or crying.
I didn't think feeling alright was really possible, but it's certainly turning out to be. In fact, I think happiness someday might not be such a stretch anymore.
10 April 1614
I went to the village on my own today. I was absolutely terrified and I thought I'd faint from how scared I was, but I went to the bakery and bought bread and I bought green material to make a nice dress for myself because I don't have any nice clothes and because I want to sew something. And I was fine! I was shaking like a sapling in a summer storm, but I did it! I also went to Dolora and Sigmun's and we read and studied some and I felt alright.
11 April 1614
We picked berries today for preserves and Dolora looked at me with that strange heaviness behind her eyes and told me that whenever I needed more valerian or chamomile, I could have it. She went though her cabinet of medicines when a few sick people came to the door and I saw her rest her eyes on these few little jars of rare herbs from places like Africa and India where most people never go. I wonder why.
12 April 1614
The path to Dolora and Sigmun's didn't seem quite so scary today, and I ate and slept fine, almost like I used to before…that. It's been a month and I actually feel better. I hope that I'll be alright. I've always believed that everything is alright in the end, but I don't know when the end is and that makes it hard.
13 April 1614
Simonn came by to Sigmun and Dolora's today, where I still spend most of my days, and he had eyeglasses.
"Did you guys know the trees have separate leaves? And you can see them all?"
"Yes…" I said. Simonn just kept staring at things. "You have a pox mark right there." He touched my left cheek, right where my most prominent pox mark is, and then said, "And your eyes are really green!"
"Yes, believe it or not, I knew that."
"Sorry. Sigmun! You have a lot of freckles! And…wow, I never noticed that scar, or…wow, you have a bump right there on your nose…"
"Simonn, are you drunk?"
"No, I just got these glasses and I can see everything! I can read all the titles on the books from here and I can see all the leaves on the trees and I can see everyone's faces and…hey, did you know you have a freckle on your left ear?"
"I did," I said. "Surprisingly enough, I know what my own face looks like."
"Did you know that beans are all separate? You can see them each when you look at them! And…" He grabbed a random book and held it an arm's length from his face. "I can read it! All the way from here!"
"You really need those eyeglasses, don't you," I said.
"Yeah…" he said, staring at everything. It was kind of sweet, watching him watch the world. I can't even imagine having vision like that. Simonn let me try on his glasses and they gave me a horrible headache.
14 April 1614
I feel like I'm human again. I feel like I can breathe again, finally. I just feel like, after all this time being scared, I'm not so scared anymore. And the best way I can describe that is that I feel human.
I'm feeling so good because today, when I went into the village (on my own, again, even though I was scared), I saw a guard (not the awful one) and I didn't flinch, and I didn't dodge away from people, and I didn't have to sit down and breathe in the park because I was so afraid. I don't know why, but I felt like myself again. I felt brave. It's only been a month, but I feel alive again. I think the valerian helped.
I suppose I should probably try to reduce the valerian, because Dolora's right, it won't work forever. But I don't think the tea is so bad. I have tea before bed every night anyways. Chamomile isn't that different from mint.
15 April 1614
I went hunting today, even though my leg isn't really fully healed yet, and I got an injured rabbit. I wasn't expecting much more. And I made stew and bread and all that and I'm just happy that I got through my daily routine. I ate breakfast, visited Dolora and Sigmun and Simonn and had lunch there, went hunting, ate dinner, sewed, read, had tea, and went to bed. I did everything I do in a normal day and I'm alright and I'm still alive and I'm just so glad.
I don't quite feel so safe in my own house sometimes, though. I don't like being alone. It feels cold. I mean, it is April, but my house feels cold and empty even with the fire lit (it went out when I was gone for almost a month, obviously). I feel like someone could come into my house and I wouldn't know because I'm alone and I'm a heavy sleeper. So I made extra latches for the door and set up a rock on a string that will fall and wake me up if someone comes in. I don't know if that's bad for me, but I want to feel safe, and Dolora's advice was to do what I could to feel safe.
16 April 1614
I woke up with this heavy weight on my chest, as if something horrible was going to happen. Of course nothing did, but…I just had a horrible feeling about today. All my friends seemed quite on edge, too. Simonn seemed especially stressed.
"Simonn? Are you alright?"
"I had a nightmare…"
"Like…a future nightmare?"
"I don't know. It was really blurry and…terrifying. Lot of blood, lot of pain…and then I couldn't see. It was scary."
"That sounds more like a run-of-the-mill nightmare," I said.
"How would you know?"
"Are you seriously questioning my knowledge of nightmares?"
"Fair point."
"Anyways, blood and pain and blindness happen all the time in my normal nightmares. It's probably just stress or something," I shrugged.
"I sure hope so. It didn't feel as real as my usual future dreams."
"Usual? You said they were rare!" Sigmun added, closing the front door behind him. "I got berries, black raspberries."
"Oh, yummy," I said.
"Anyways, I guess…about every six months, in October and April, I have…I have a whole slew of the future dreams. Not all of them make sense. Hardly any of them make sense. But they're…unpleasant."
"Sounds it."
"Yeah." He sighed and rubbed his head.
"Would valerian help?" I asked.
"No."
"How do you know?"
"Because drinking chamomile tea before bed just makes it worse. If chamomile makes it worse, then so will valerian root."
"If you're sure," I said.
"I am very sure. Can we talk about something else?"
"Sure."
I hope Simonn's alright. Nightmares are horrible enough without the added unpleasantness of them being the future.
Oh, and I had less valerian last night and I was fine. I think if I just take less and less, I'll be back to the normal one or two nightmares a night on my own without anything besides chamomile tea.
17 April 1614
I went hunting again today and my leg is still incredibly painful, but at least I'm living. I'm still alive. I remind myself of that a lot these days and it's helping, somewhat. I'm still alive, still breathing. I still have my house and my friends and whatever good parts of myself. I'm still alive.
19 April 1614
I was tired yesterday after hunting, so I didn't write.
I'm feeling alright today, again. I was at Sigmun and Dolora's yesterday and Sigmun kissed me and I didn't feel like panicking, but I also didn't kiss him back as hard as I normally would. I just don't feel up to it. I kind of don't feel like touching him that way at all. I guess I'm still kind of scared.
22 April 1614
A letter came today from Hannah. It doesn't sound good for her and her sisters. She sounds scared. I want to go rescue her, but she doesn't know the name of the town and since they traveled for more than a day and she slept for a little while Eleanor carried her, she doesn't know how to get there from here. The way she describes the trip, her father didn't let them rest, so they took turns falling asleep and being carried. I'm worried for Hannah. Simonn looked absolutely sick and he paced and asked if maybe we could just go check all the villages nearby for her family.
"What'll we do, just knock on every door and say, 'Hey, do you know that family with three daughters and a father? The Megidos? Yeah, have you seen them?'" I said.
"Yes!" Simonn shot back.
"Simonn, calm down and be reasonable. You're supposed to be the logical one!"
"You know what? Science, and physics, and all that, it works great when the world is acting like it's supposed to, when you don't need to invent a new kind of math to compensate for air resistance and then argue about who invented calculus! It's great when there's no outside forces, or different surfaces, or anything else! But right now, people-force is making all the logic and all the calculations just fly right out the window!"
"People-force?" Sigmun asked.
"You know what I mean!"
"You mean, perhaps, love?" I pointed out.
"Yes! People-force! And people-force is messing up the calculations!"
"Well, pull people-force out. Assume ideal conditions. Isn't that what you always say when you're explaining physics to us?"
"Under ideal conditions, we'd write back and ask her to come back here because between the three of them, at least two were awake the whole time, so they could work there way back. Wait!"
"Alright, we'll do that, then," Sigmun said.
"She might not leave," I said.
"Why not?" Simonn asked.
"She just might not," I said delicately.
"Why on Earth would she not leave if her father is that bad?"
"Maybe she won't leave because she can't!" I snapped. "You two, you don't understand it."
"Don't understand what?"
"Don't understand how hard it is to really, properly leave when you're caught in a situation like that! Sometimes you just can't leave!"
"Alright. But I'm still writing back," Simonn said.
"Of course. But she might not come. Just saying."
"Alright…"
Simonn looked worried, but wrote back. I hope Hannah leaves. I hope she gets out with her sisters and doesn't stay like I did. I hope.
24 April 1614
I haven't been feeling the need to write so much. I think that's good. I guess I write more to sort out my thoughts than to get rid of the awful emotions I feel towards my mother and that's certainly an improvement. When not wanting to scream constantly is an improvement, there's something wrong. But at least I don't want to scream. So there is that.
25 April 1614
Simonn sent his letter to Hannah today and he seemed so worried. I hope they're alright. It's very worrying that she's so far away right now. I mean, I wouldn't have survived if I'd been any farther from Dolora and Sigmun. It's a good thing I am so close to them.
27 April 1614
I felt good today. I felt like I did before all this happened. I still feel pretty good, actually. I read a chapter of a book and went hunting and made stew and everything. I feel fine.
29 April 1614
Today I kissed Sigmun because no one else was around and I wasn't afraid to and I felt fine about kissing him the way I normally do, I didn't feel so afraid. Even the village seems less intimidating. Maybe I'm just feeling better.
31 April 1614
Today while Simonn was in the market getting food for his family and Sigmun was out finding herbs, Dolora taught me how to make a few medicines. When I asked her why, she said she remembered a while ago I'd asked her to teach me about medicine and she'd said yes and now she'd like to teach me something to keep her promise.
I'm quite glad. I think medicine is interesting. I hope I learn a few more things!
Oh, and Hannah still hasn't written back. I hope she's alive enough to write.