1 July 1614

Today was alright. I mean, parts of it were wonderful, but Simonn lost his eyeglasses and flat-out panicked before Sigmun said, "Oh, you're looking for your eyeglasses? They're right next to the book on Prussian history." We studied Prussian history today, incidentally.

The wonderful part was when Sigmun and I were alone and I was tired because I still have trouble sleeping sometimes so I rested my head in his lap and he played with my hair until I fell asleep, all warm and comfortable. I don't know if that was one of those things you're not supposed to do before you're married, but I find myself caring less and less these days. I felt good, and Sigmun had that silly drowsy smile that I like so much, and when Dolora came home (she woke me up when she closed the door) she just nodded approvingly and went to cook dinner.

2 July 1614

Another letter from Hannah today. She said she'd managed to find a boat and her next letters wouldn't come until she was across the sea. It made Simonn nervous, and I could see how tense he was. He kept running his fingers over his lips, I think unconsciously. And he seemed cold, even though it's July. Poor Simonn.

4 July 1614

Today was just fine. I went to the market and I wasn't afraid, and then I went to Sigmun and Dolora's and stayed for dinner, and Simonn came by for a while, and I kissed Sigmun some, and I feel fine. I feel like myself again, which I didn't really expect.

5 July 1614

Damn those men in the market. Damn them to hell. I hate them. I hate the way they expect me to like them just for saying a few words that aren't nearly as sweet as they think they are. I hate the way the just touch me without my permission, as if they were my husband or my…whatever Sigmun is to me. I'm so sick of it! Why don't they just leave me alone? Don't they have the basic decency to ask someone before they touch them? Is there something they don't understand about the word no? Or the phrase, "get away from me"? Is this really so complicated?

I just had to get that out. I'm just so frustrated with this! If I threaten them with the knife I keep tucked in the bottom of my shopping basket, someone's bound to take their side and say I was attacking a poor defenseless idiot unprovoked, because clearly touching someone without their isn't provocation enough! My words never seem to get through to them. I might just stop going to the market alone altogether. Safety in numbers, I suppose.

6 July 1614

Hannah's next letter came today. Apparently she was horribly seasick on her whole trip across the sea because there was a storm, but she got on and off undetected. The trip wasn't nearly as long as any of us thought it would be, only half a day or so. She also said that she was sorry if her letters got lost or something because she wrote every day, but she heard men on the ship talking about how letters get lost when they travel across the sea. They called it the channel, but it's all the same.

Simonn's been so distracted and he's been losing things left and right since Hannah left. I know she has to rescue her sister, but I hope she's back soon.

8 July 1614

Another letter from Hannah today. She's finding France quite nice and thanked me for accidentally speaking in French around her so often because she actually picked up some and she can communicate with people enough to ask for directions. (I have a bad habit of mixing up languages. Luckily Sigmun and Simonn and I speak most all of the same ones.)

My stews have been getting better recently because I'm getting better at hunting. Not much is really going on in my life right now.

10 July 1614

It's been two years since I first kissed Sigmun and I still feel…well, not quite the same way about him, but I know I love him. And I keep feeling that wanting feeling and I've finally figured out what it is. I don't know why I realized it, but I did and I guess it's because it's kind of the way I feel when I think about getting married and my wedding night. I don't want to marry someone just because I want to…(I can't finish writing that, I'm blushing too hard). But I do love him…

Well, I guess it's moot. It's not as if I can do the asking. I just…I want to marry him and I love him and I hope he feels the same way, even after all this time.

11 July 1614

It was like sitting in a cooking pot outside today, so we went to the river and went swimming. I don't know what it is that makes Sigmun blush so red like that when we head home and I wring out my hair and braid it up so my shirt doesn't get any more water-soaked than it already is.

Anyways, the water was cold and it felt so nice when it's so hot I can't sleep most nights. Actually, I usually can't sleep much, but this made it worse. I wish the days were cooler because then I could take naps with my head on Sigmun's lap because that's very comfortable and he says he likes playing with my hair. But it's too hot to do much of anything, include sleep. The last time I managed to take a nap was July first.

12 July 1614

Hannah's letter came today! She talked about how lovely it is in France and she's getting there, she should be there by August or September at this rate, at least according to the people she's talked to. She thanked me for the knife and Dolora for the tea and she wrote to Simonn that, "I love you like the sea loves the shore; I can never stay away from you long, even though the tides might try to pull us apart. I hope you know that when we get back I'll never leave again." I have a feeling I wasn't supposed to read that part, but I was so eager for any news that I just read the whole letter at once.

13 July 1614

Simonn lost his eyeglasses again today. I think he must be worried, because he leaves them in the most obvious places. The wires around the lenses (apparently the frames, according to Simonn) are quite thin, so maybe he just can't see them when he looks. Sigmun or I can usually find them in the end. Good thing, too. I don't think Simonn could afford another pair of eyeglasses and he certainly needs them.

14 July 1614

Today was Sigmun's birthday! Dolora baked a cake for him and I gave him a nice jacket I sewed him and we celebrated and had a lovely dinner and Sigmun looked so happy I thought he'd start glowing. It was so lovely and it was a warm day and it didn't rain, because it never rains on his birthday, and it was just so nice.

He'll be an adult officially in two years. It's odd to me that I'm an adult now since I'm eighteen, but Sigmun and Simonn won't be legally adults until they're twenty-one. It's very strange, but that's how it works.

15 July 1614

Neolla came by today while Sigmun was looking for a job and she seemed tired.

"Want some tea?" I asked.

"Sure."

I made her a cup of green tea, because I know she likes green, and then sat with her at the table.

"Everything alright?" I asked.

"Fine, I suppose. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you…do you ever think about your wedding day?"

I blushed. "All the time," I admitted.

"I do, too. But…" She looked left and bit her lower lip like she does when she's nervous. "Do you ever think about your wedding night?"

I blushed horribly red and my face felt hotter than the sun. "Why do you ask?"

"I won't tell anyone. Do you?"

"…Yes," I confessed, still very warm.

"It's just…I don't," she said, as if she was admitting something shameful. "Never have. I mean, sure I want the blue dress and the handsome husband and the big celebration, but…not the night part."

"Well, that's what women are supposed to think, isn't it?" I said sarcastically.

"Everyone does, though. Except, apparently, me. I mean…is that wrong?"

"Why would it be?"

"Well, you know Mariek. She laughed when I told her, said I wasn't enjoying life enough."

"Don't worry about it. There's nothing wrong with that. You know, I used to think I was strange for dreaming about—thinking about my wedding night."

"No, really?"

"Yes, really. I thought…well, I thought my mother would find out somehow and kill me. But a variety of less dramatic things, too."

"I guess there's no way to win," Neolla said, half-laughing. She was trying to cover it, but I saw a few tears in her eyes and her voice was strained to breaking.

"Guess not," I agreed, laughing with her. Neolla looked like she'd been carrying some huge weight on her shoulders and now it was gone.

"I guess I'm just not going to have children."

"You never seemed to want them."

"No, I never did. You do, right?"

"I do. But…you know how it is. The noble families used to have ten, twelve, even more children. They've been having less and less. That's my blood family. How do I know I'll be able to have children at all? And if I don't, what did I do wrong?"

"First of all, you don't know yet," Neolla said. "Second of all, and I cannot stress this enough, there's nothing wrong with not having children. There are women who don't who have fine lives. And you could always adopt children. Look at your beau."

Neolla's pretty much the only person who can call Sigmun my beau and not annoy me. On the other hand, the only other person who does is Mariek, and she doesn't really let up that sort of teasing. "Thanks, Neolla."

"Thank you, too. Means a lot to know you don't think I'm broken or something."

"It means a lot that you don't think I'm in the wrong."

She hugged me, rather unexpectedly (Neolla's not the type to hug), and I hugged her back. "Anything you need when you're at school, just write to me, and I'll help you," I said. She must feel so alone in school by herself. She might do better if she and Mariek wrote to each other more.

"I'd do the same for you," she said, grinning. "What else are friends for?"

We chatted a bit more about not a whole lot before she left and said she was going to find Mariek so they could have dinner together. I stayed at Dolora and Sigmun's for dinner, actually, because I felt like being with people and the emptiness and aloneness of my house really wears on me sometimes.

17 July 1614

Another letter today. This time both of her letters, the one to us and the one to her sisters, were delivered to her grandmother's house, so Simonn brought it over after he checked on Eleanor and Alice like he does every day. Nothing special besides the fact that Hannah is eighteen years old and traveling across the entire continent on her own.

20 July 1614

I think today was the hottest day of the year so far, so Simonn brought his siblings over to go swimming. They were so cute, especially Thomas trying to do all the flips like Sigmun can do and not doing too well with it. It was nice to cool off today of all days. I doubt I'll get much sleep tonight with all the heat.

Maybe I'll be able to take a nap tomorrow. I need more sleep than I get.

21 July 1614

A letter came today. Hannah said she's getting holes in her socks, but she packed extra pairs so she's alright.

Simonn lost his eyeglasses again and they were sitting right next to where he put down the letter. I'm very glad I don't need eyeglasses.

23 July 1614

Mariek came over today and she was sitting there with tea when she sighed and completely dropped her entire manner so she looked incredibly vulnerable and tired.

"Mariek? Are you alright?" I asked.

"No."

"What's wrong?"

"Bloody hell, what isn't wrong? Neolla's gone most of the time, my parents are both dead, Aunt Katherine doesn't want me around, Uncle Benjamin hates me, I've met about ten men in the past two weeks my aunt wanted me to marry and they were all awful, my siblings are all gone and married off and none of them even speak to me anymore, currently two people in my life don't have a bloody clue how I feel about them, and the men in the village will not leave me alone. I should make a habit."

"You mean, one a nun would wear?"

"Yeah, duh."

"Do you just want to vent or…?"

"I don't know. Just need to get it out. I guess really the thing is…oh, it's not important, you'll hate me for this."

"No I won't."

"I haven't told you yet, how would you know?"

"Because you're my friend. I couldn't hate you. Well, unless you killed some other friend or something."

"Fine. I screwed up and got pregnant so I took some aloe to make myself sick and lost the kid."

"What?!"

"See, I told you."

"I thought you had some clever trick for not getting pregnant!"

"I do. It usually works. But I screwed up and now I still feel like shit from all that aloe."

"What is it?"

"Why do you want to know?" She raised her eyebrows and some of her normal demeanor came back.

"Never mind that," I said, blushing. "I don't hate you or anything! That's just…wow. How could you poison yourself?"

"It doesn't kill you, I'd know," Mariek said, rolling her eyes. "I can't have a child. I'm no good with children, I don't want children, I certainly would be a bad mother. I mean, hell, you know that me and a child wouldn't mix. Not to mention I'd never be able to get a job, or get married, because as far as most of the town knows, my reputation is entirely unfounded, and having a kid would screw that up. And Aunt Katherine would kick me out to live on the streets, and where could I go? So I figured, I'll just take the aloe. I mean…that's not the point. It's just why I'm really feeling the need to vent right now."

"No kidding!"

"See, you're acting all shocked."

"Because you basically poisoned yourself!"

"And it worked! Made me weak enough that my body just gave up the ghost and I lost the baby."

"It would explain where you've been for the last week."

"I told Aunt Katherine I'd caught a cold."

"Mariek, what on Earth were you thinking?"

"You try living without your best friends for a few years, see how you cope!"

"No, that's not what I meant…you know, you could always come to Dolora. She'd lie for you."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, first of all, if you wear your corset a bit too tight for a few days, apparently you can loose a baby. I heard Dolora telling a woman who miscarried that. Second of all, you know she lies for a woman who makes herself miscarry if she can't support a baby."

"I know that. There's a reason the men are all convinced no bastards—" I gave her a sharp look "—fine, illegitimate children are ever born in this village."

"Mariek, is there anything I can do?"

"Tell Neolla she's a bitch for up and leaving like that."

"It's been two years, and you haven't told her?"

"She's going to law school! My best friend is going to have a fulfilling career! Would you tell one of your best friends that, hey, you're pretty much the only person around here I can stand, can you quit school and come back home?"

"I think you might need to take a couple deep breaths."

"Why?"

"You're a little bit hysterical. Just…calm down, have some tea. And…sorry to ask, but why are you telling me all this and not Neolla?"

"Because you have two best friends you probably couldn't live without. She seems to be doing just fine on her own."

"You really think so?"

"She's getting great grades."

"Maybe I'm the one missing something here, but the tone of her letters seems to me to imply that she misses you. A lot."

"I don't know. That's not…jeez. I just…I miss having my best friend around."

"You know, you could always tell her that."

"Is it really that easy for you? 'Just tell her'?"

"Do you think I would have been living with my mother for all those years if just telling someone was so easy?"

"What does that have to do with this?"

"Do you think that if I could just tell someone what was wrong and just get up and leave my house I'd have lived with my mother for all those years?"

"Fair point, I suppose."

"But hey, you could always try telling her. You know, like…oh, you're going to think I've lost my mind."

"You didn't hate me for making myself miscarry."

"Fine. Well, a couple years ago, Sigmun and Simonn were always having these whispered conversations and I hated it because they were excluding me and my mother was getting worse so I pretty much had no one until one day I snapped and started screaming at them and then I hid in the woods for a day. And then I talked to them and it got better, it really did. I think bringing it up sooner is better."

"Well, when you put it that way."

"Yeah…more tea?"

"No thanks. But…don't tell anyone, please."

"About what?"

"This whole conversation. Especially the lack of child."

"I won't."

"Thanks. Can't lose my reputation!" Her smile was such a façade, but I let it pass because I can tell she's been having a hard time, trying to live without anyone she's really close to. Mariek and Neolla most certainly rely on each other and Neolla leaving like that must be hard for Mariek. Maybe they can write letters more often or something. I know I couldn't stand to live without my best friends. I just hope Mariek's alright. As long as I've known her, she's never dropped her outward personality like that.

"Go and find Neolla. Good luck."

"Thanks, Di."

I rolled my eyes. "Any time. See you soon!"

"See you."

Mariek worries me sometimes. If she has some clever trick she's been using since she was seventeen, it seems like she'd only mess up if she were stressed. Maybe not. What do I know about that sort of thing? But I've never seen Mariek drop her guard and I think it must be because of Neolla.

I hope I never get separated from my friends. I couldn't stand to lose Sigmun or Simonn or Dolora. I think I'd just die.

26 July 1614

We got another letter today. Hannah says she's not quite sure which country she's in but everyone's speaking German now so it's probably one of the German states or Switzerland. Unfortunately, she doesn't know any German, so I wrote a few phrases and their translations in the letter back. I hope she gets our letters; she says she is, but maybe she's just trying to make us feel better.

I didn't mention that last part to Simonn, though. He's nervous enough as it is without scaring him any more.

28 July 1614

Another letter. Hannah said she's still not in Austria. I think there must be a delay, because she's in Austria and almost to her sister by now if the maps are right. The letters have to travel and everything, so she's probably almost to Dorothy by now. I hope so. I hope there's not any sort of delay from Dorothy being injured. I hope they're home soon.

29 July 1614

I could never express how grateful I am for everything Dolora does for me. Today I was feeling tired and sore and sad like happens right before I get my bleeding and she sat there with me for a while because Sigmun was running errands and Simonn was with his siblings and I just didn't want to be left alone right then. I know she has a lot to do and almost no time to rest on her own, and I'm just so grateful she'd spend time to sit with me when I'm scared to be alone. Maybe it's strange, but that means a lot to me when my mother left me alone so often.

1 August 1614

I was chatting with Mariek today in the village and Mariek mentioned how she was so sick of men who didn't know the difference between yes and no, which is a lot of them.

"After four years, I have to say prefer women. Most men are idiots. But women don't usually like to sleep with me for obvious reasons."

"Are you and Neolla…?"

"No. She doesn't like men or women. Hell, she went to an all-boys school and didn't take advantage. Not once."

"Mariek…"

"S'true. But then, you only really care about your handsome lover…"

"Stop it! He's not my lover."

"I mean, I came back from my house on All Hallows' and saw you two kissing like there was no tomorrow. Can't believe you still had clothes on." I can't believe she saw that. And we were in public!

"Mariek!" I blushed scarlet.

"Well, it'd probably take too long with the bodice, right? Dolora would catch you."

"Stop it!"

"Alright, alright," she grinned. "Hey, what you and your lover do behind closed doors is your business."

"Thank you."

Neolla showed up just then. "Hello, Mariek. Hi, Dianna."

"Hey there, Neolla," Mariek said, hugging her. Which is very rare, for both of them. I guess they talked it out. I hope so; there is plenty enough stress around here without them fighting or losing each other.

3 August 1614

I had one of those dreams about the two girls I should know but can't manage to last night. The older girl hugged me again, and she was crying, and she just kept saying it, over and over: "Thank you for being my mother. I love you." I wish I knew. I guess it means I can have children, but there's such a feeling inside when she hugs me, like I'm hopelessly sad and full of more joy than a person can contain at the same time. I have no idea what the hell that is supposed to mean.

Anyways, today was alright. We got another letter from Hannah and I know they're not the most recent ones she's written, but at least we're hearing from her. I'll start to worry if she's not back by late October, because it shouldn't take that long to get to Austria and back. Simonn's currently worrying, so I'm trying not to.

5 August 1614

Simonn was looking through some papers today and when I asked him what they were he looked so sad, like he'd lost something and couldn't remember it.

"I don't have a picture of Hannah."

"Oh."

"Next November, maybe we can get her in the picture of all of us."

"Sure. "

"I could draw one from memory…" he said, staring at his pen.

"You should. You've drawn all the rest of us enough times."

Simonn nodded and picked up the pen and started drawing. I left him alone to finish and then Sigmun and I read a book of poetry and talked about it.

6 August 1614

A letter came today. Hannah said she's almost to the border. I know she's probably on her way back by now, but at least she's still writing. She said her sister speaks a little German, she thinks, so hopefully they can communicate with people better on the way back.

8 August 1614

Today Sigmun and I read a book on Austria just because that's where Hannah is and I kissed him just once before I left for home. Simonn didn't stop by, so I guess one of his siblings must be in some sort of trouble. Probably one of them lost their shoes again. It's fairly common for them.

9 August 1614

There was a letter today. Hannah said she's doing fine and all that and she's not far now from her sister's city. Also, Simonn lost his glass again, and this time Dolora found them for him. It must be how worried he is.

We went to Hannah's house today and saw her sisters, all three of us. Eleanor doesn't talk much, but she's kind, and Alice is a little immature, but she's sweet. I like them; they're nice people.

11 August 1614

A letter today. Hannah's in the city next to her sister's city and she's a little turned around and the city is very big and apparently kind of scary, but she's sure she'll be fine. I hope she's not just saying that to make us feel better.

14 August 1614

I'm tired and I wish I could sleep more, but it's just so damn hot. I keep waking up covered in sweat, but not from nightmares. I mean, I wake up too warm, not that sort of sweat…I despise my own desires sometimes, even though I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. I have a hunch my love does…can I call him that? Can I call him my love? Well, it's not as if anyone else would know if I just write it here. And I do love him, so…

I don't care. I'll call him my love if I want to.

15 August 1614

A letter came today from Hannah saying she's with her sister! They must be getting close by now, but at least she got her sister out. We know that for sure.

Simonn looked about ready to cry with how happy he was, and he hugged me and Sigmun and Dolora and then he just danced around, all happy and giddy. "She's alright," he kept saying. "She's alright and she's coming home."

"Yes she is," I said.

He grinned and danced around some more. He must be so happy. I'd be overjoyed if I found out Sigmun was suddenly safe from some sort of danger, or at least halfway out.

17 August 1614

Another letter today. Hannah said her sister speaks enough German to get by after all that time in Austria, so they're going to be able to find their way back a bit quicker. I hope they find their way home quick. She also said that they might have to rest for a day or two so Dorothy can recover, but she'll be alright and they'll be home soon.

Good luck to them both.

19 August 1614

A letter today. It didn't say much except that they were heading back that day, and that they were just fine.

It's been cooling down a bit. Not enough that I can sleep comfortably, but enough that I don't wake up drenched in sweat. We go swimming almost every day, or just sit inside and read. I hate hunting when it's hot like this, but I can't survive otherwise, so I cope.

20 August 1614

I saw Neolla and Mariek in the village and they were acting like they used to, all joking and friendly like they are. It would seem they made up, because when Sigmun and Simonn and I went to talk with them (if I ask them to come to the village with me because of the men, they always say yes), they were both smiling and properly happy. I'm glad of that.

21 August 1614

Another letter today. Hannah and her sister are traveling and it seems no one's following them, which Dorothy was worried about. But Hannah's good at hiding and I think they'd be hard to follow anyways. Hannah can be very nondescript and hard to see when she wants to be and I bet Dorothy can be, too.

23 August 1614

A letter came today and it wasn't much new, but Simonn's still on cloud nine all the time and I think he'll start flying when she comes back. I hope they don't get caught when they take a boat home, because stowing away is harder with two and they might be spotted and sent to prison, which is a nasty place to end up. They tell stories about prison, especially the prison in the palace, and it's terrifying to think of Hannah and Dorothy some place like that.

24 August 1614

Neolla left today. She hugged me so tight I thought she might break my back. I'm going to miss her. I didn't see Mariek, but Neolla looked sad to leave and I saw she had a little sapphire-colored pin, one I always used to see Mariek wear. I hope they're still best friends. They need each other. I wonder if they know how much they need each other, or if it's something you don't realize you have until you lose it.

Maybe they'll realize it someday.

26 August 1614

Simonn misplaced his glasses again. He left them on the end table and when he went to look for them, he looked so tense.

"Have you gotten a letter today?"

"No."

"Well, there's this one," I said, holding up a piece of paper someone had delivered today. "Hannah sent it for all of us, and it ended up here."

Simonn grabbed the letter and read it so fast, like the words would disappear if he didn't read them fast enough. "She's alright," he said, and it was more of a sigh than a statement. "She says she's safe with her sister and they're getting close to the border." Good luck to them both.

27 August 1614

Mariek came over again today and I think she likes to make me embarrassed.

"How are things with you and Sigmun?" she asked.

"Just fine."

"Anything you want to talk about?" she pressed, raising her eyebrows.

"No."

"Come on. Don't tell me you've never done more than kiss him."

I felt my whole face turn scarlet. "We're not all like you, Mariek."

"Oh, so you have! When?"

"We have not!"

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

"MARIEK!"

"You said it yourself. C'mon, it's not like I haven't done more. Anyways, I bet you wish you were married already, if you know what I mean."

"Excuse me!?"

"Oh, come on, you know what I mean. You wish you could sleep with him, share a bed with him, make sweet love to him, do the moonlight dance, do the horizontal figure eight, make the beast with two backs, see his—"

"Stop it!" My face was absolutely burning.

"I've got more."

"Well, I don't want to hear them."

"Please. You know it's true."

"CAN YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE ABOUT—"

"Hi!" Sigmun called, back from collecting willow. "How's it going?"

"Fine," I snapped. "Mariek was just leaving."

"No I wasn't."

"You are now."

"Fine. See you soon."

"Bye," I said shortly.

"What was all that yelling about?" Sigmun asked.

"Nothing," I sighed. "Nothing important, anyways. She's just messing with my head again."

"What about?"

I sighed. "You."

"What do you mean, me?"

"I mean, she was teasing me about how you and me are…you know…together. Saying stuff about how you and I weren't just kissing."

"Oh." He blushed crimson and looked at his feet.

"I mean, she always says stuff like that," I rushed. "She doesn't mean anything by it. She doesn't really think we're…you know."

"Okay." He was still very red.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have told you."

"No, it's alright. I'm just…" He blushed harder and coughed. "Want to go swimming?"

"Sure."

He nodded and we walked to the river, where we spent the rest of the day.

29 August 1614

Another letter today. They're getting close to the border of Austria, according to what people say. I'm not sure the borders are so well defined, but they are there. There are too many borders, especially in Germany. I suppose it would be more accurate to say "the German states", but calling them Germany is easier. It's like Italy that way. I just think borders cause many more problems than they solve.

30 August 1614

Another letter today, saying they're in one of the German states. The letters aren't coming on time, certainly. But at least we know they're closer to us than before. One of these days we'll all be safe and sound. Hopefully before the next life, we will all end up home and safe.

A/N: Someone please tell me how I'm doing with the romance, because I'm a gray-aro ace so this really isn't my area of expertise