Chapter 24: What it Feels Like
I awake to the sound of intermittent patterns of raindrops hitting the asphalt. I'm sitting on the wet ground; only partially sheltered by the overcast of the dark, decrepit building.
When I stick my hand out, I can feel the drops run down the sides of my forearm. I used to love the rain. I would sit against my window and sing all the rain songs I could think of. My mind was an endless library of songs. But, there were times when I ran out of songs to sing. Whenever I couldn't think of a song, I'd ask if Ally could come over and help me. She had a mental library of her own. Her's much bigger than mine.
Suddenly A pair of thick brown boots began to approach the building. I look up; frightened as the fat old man approaches me.
"Are you gonna move, or should I step over you."
"S-sorry."
I quickly shift my weight away from the entrance. I turn around and notice the building was a bar. What looked like an old convenience store is actually an evening bar. The green lights flash on and off. The sign on the door reads
OPEN till 3 am
Once inside, I take a seat at the bar. Completely unfamiliar with the place I watch and look around; as an attempt to study how to act. I swallow deeply as the bartender approaches me. As I'm about to speak, he slides a bottle of beer towards me. I give him a confused glare. He points to my left towards a man hunched over. I peer over at the mystery man.
"Thanks."
The man turns towards me.
"No problem."
We lock eyes and my smile immediately falls.
"Dad, what are you doing here?"
"I can be wherever I want to be. You're 17, why are you here."
"I was just leaving."
I turn my seat getting ready to leave. He stops my chair and plops down next to me.
"You're not going anywhere. Sit down."
He whispers menacingly in my ear. I only shudder slightly.
"Do you wanna tell me what the heck you were thinking back there?"
He demands angrily, stabbing his fingers through my shoulder. Mom probably sent him to talk to me after this afternoon. No doubt reporters are already crafting up stories about my afternoon outburst. My mid-day meltdown. Every radio station is probably going crazy over it. I know what he expects. He wants me to apologize for embarrassing mom and making a fool of myself.
"If you want me to apologize you can just save your breath."
"Look, I don't know exactly what happened earlier, but I do know you stormed out of a meeting and made a scene and drew a crowd. Which is exactly what we told you not to do in public. Austin, you want all of these second chances, but don't want to work for them. I don't know what else we can do for you."
He gives a hopeless laugh that's utterly mocking.
"W-what have you ever done for me? I left because I felt attacked. S-She was making me upset- manipulating me like she always does." I stumbled pathetically through my words
He rolled his eyes to the back of his head.
"When will you stop playing the victim? No one was attacking you. Telling you to move back into the house is not an attack it's an instruction."
"Exactly. Because all you know how to do is instruct. You don't guide. You don't mentor. You just shout instructions at people. You don't know how to parent."
"That's right Austin because I don't need to. My job is to direct, yours is to follow. I say jump, you say how high. Because I'm your manager and until next week, your legal guardian. As shocking as it may sound, I have the power to control your life and you have the one and only option to obey. Which is something legal guardians have the right to do."
"Parents, dad. Which is something parents have the right to do."
I miserably corrected him, distracted by his deliberate omission of the term parents. He avoided it like a disease. Carefully stepping over it to avoid any possible contamination.
"I told you-you don't belong to us anymore."
His piercing words were like daggers to my heart.
"You screwed that second chance up long ago. The only thing I owe you is promotion strategies, career advising and a temporary roof over your head. But after today, it looks like that tie will be severed as well."
"I hate you."
The only three words that can summarize how I feel.
"Really? What's new?"
He rightly says, closing his words with the same chuckle. His laugh sends me flying out of my seat. But, before I get to the door, I'm roughly pulled back.
"I'm done with this. Let me go."
He roughly grabs my shoulders pushing me back towards the bar. My side crashes into the corner. I curse aloud as the pain quickly hits. My angry father continues to charge at me.
"No. You're done when I say you are. You can walk away from Mimi, but not from me. How about I embarrass you?"
Suddenly I feel his hands pull my shirt and I'm quickly dragged into a corner. I roll my eyes at his aggression.
"Your mom and I gave up EVERYTHING so you could have this life. We almost lost our jobs sticking our necks out for you. We were gracious enough to let you back under our management and even offer you a place to sleep. All you've done is abuse those offers. You despicable, ungrateful-"
He jams his arm further into my neck with each word. I push him off as I fight back.
"You're a liar. I was extremely grateful I never finished a concert without giving thanks to you and mom. YES, I did complain a lot, because I'm human. And more specifically, because I had to be a perfect human. I got no rest, no respect, no real attention, and I was expected to be okay with that. The music business is treacherous waters. I thought we were in it together, but you took me out so far, till I couldn't see the shore anymore. As soon as I messed up, you guys abandoned me. You pushed me off the boat and left me to swim on my own. And now that I'm drowning, it's somehow my fault."
"Part of growing up is learning how to swim on your own. That's how men are made." He stood over me gaining three inches. He stared down at me with intimidating eyes.
I raise my chin in efforts to get on his level of intensity. The heat between us is scorching. My fists clench tight and my arms are stiff, by my side. I am boiling at this point.
"Tell me, how do you raise up a man, when you're not one yourself?"
A quick motion whips my body onto the floor. It comes so fast but happens so slow. My eyes are quickly painted with fear and alarm. My cheeks burn themselves into a color resembling the burgundy carpet. I'm suddenly frozen on the floor, unable to move. I can feel his cold figure standing over me. He shuffles his feet; crushing my dignity further into the floor.
I trace my bottom lip with my finger, tasting blood and betrayal. I lift my stained cheek to face him. I allow bitter and disdainful eyes to rest upon his cold unapologetic expression. I'm used to fighting with him, but not like this. This is disgusting.
"Nice hit Mr. Moon. I'm finally low enough for you to step on."
The room falls quiet and the lights all come up. I can feel new sets of eyes observing us like we're a bar fight. Well, I guess that's what it is.
"Go ahead, hit me again. Grab me by the shirt and drag me across the floor. Show me how worthless I am."
"Austin get up."
He mumbles under his breath. His face is painted red. Not from pain but embarrassment. The mark of shame.
"Because even though you've stripped every last ounce of self-esteem I keep forgetting how worthless I really am! So beat me down and show me!"
"I said get up."
"I'm just sitting where I've been placed. Isn't this what you like? Total submission? I know it's what you crave from mom."
"You shut up about your mother. And you don't call her-"
"When she stopped calling me son, that's when I knew. You'd brainwashed her too. She was a good mom, but so miserably loyal to you. She's always been on your side and always will be. And I've gotta say. You guys make a great team. You won. I hate myself. More than you or anyone else ever could."
"Get. up"
He spits darkly. As if he's threatening not to say it again.
"Yes, sir."
I spring up to my feet pushing past him. I rush towards the doors and fling myself onto the streets. I beat my hands into the wet asphalt, hard enough to break through. I jam my fists into the ground over and over and over again. Until I can see my blood swimming with the water. When I feel like I've broken my knuckles I exercise my throat in an attempt to release the stress in my heart. I've gone past the point of singing my troubles away. I can't muster up a sweet note, or a passionate melody. All I find in my throat is an exhausted scream. I release painful screams into the moist air. Until my lungs give out.
"I want to thank you for all you've done for me. You've given me more than a roof over my head but a home. Something I've never had before. But, I can't stay any longer. I think it's best if I move back in with my parents."
"Of Course, son. I'm glad you were able to patch things up with your folks. We get a lot of second chances in life, but you only get one set of parents. It's important to cherish them."
I just nod. As soon as I got back home, I knew I needed to announce my departure. I couldn't burden Ally's family any longer. Right now I was in their living room explaining my reasons for leaving. I had made sure Ally had gone to rehearsal before telling them. I would tell her soon. Just not now.
"And honey, you know you are welcomed here whenever you need a place to sleep. If things get crazy with your parents. We're always here with open arms. Okay? So don't be afraid to reach out. Don't be a stranger."
"Thank you, Mrs.-umm Penny. Thank you."
As I finish packing my last bag, I kiss Penny and hug Lester and thank them one last time before heading out the door. I'm only a couple steps onto the front lawn before I hear the door crack back open. I turn around to see Lester making his way towards me.
"Austin, where are you going to go?"
"With my par-"
He crosses his arms in an expectant fashion.
"I saw what happened yesterday on the news. You and your dad."
I looked at the ground in embarrassment. I didn't know news could travel so fast. If he saw what happened between us, he knows I'm not moving back in with them. I swallowed deeply afraid of what might happen next. Gently, he sits me down on the white wooden steps.
"Growing up, I had a pretty rough relationship with my dad. We were always head to toe. If it wasn't something today it was something tomorrow. After our first altercation, I left crying, after the second one, I just left. Things got pretty heated between us but it never got physical. I'm sorry about you and your dad."
"Thank you."
A barely audible sound releases from the hoarse throat.
"I was never a fan of you staying with us, but I can't let you go out there alone with no plan. What are you going to do?"
I watch the grass, searching for an answer. I fumble with my ring as thoughts of Ally flood my brain.
"Well, I guess first break up with Ally."
He turns to me with an expression of complete shock and confusion. Seeing his alarm I explain myself.
"I just don't feel like I'm good enough for her. We don't fit."
"Son, do you understand what love is?"
"Putting others before yourself. A decision to be kind, patient and understanding. Even when you don't feel like it."
"That's right. It's also allowing your partner to make decisions as well. I know you want to do what's best for her, but she's not the only good thing in your life. You have a future. Maybe not in college or music, but you do have a future. Just as much as Ally does. Don't be so quick to quit."
"I thought you'd approve."
"I thought so too. But, I've gotten to see how much you love her and how she loves you. I approve of that more. You're a good young man Austin."
It feels so good to hear that from him. I've always thought Ally's dad didn't like me. But, it's just the opposite. The feeling quickly passes when my thoughts are occupied by my former anxieties. I don't have a plan. Or a house, or money, or a car. I don't have anything figured out.
"Everything's falling apart," I say as I begin to think out loud.
"I-I got rejected from UCF, Jimmy dropped me from the label, My parents have just officially disowned me. So, I couldn't live with them if I tried. And I can't even tell my girlfriend because I'm too ashamed."
My words are sealed with small tears. I quickly rub them away out of habit. I hated crying in front of my father.
"Nothing that's happened should make you feel ashamed. Some misfortunes are the result of bad choices but others are simply out of your control. I know you've been trained to think otherwise, but everything is not your fault. You're not a bad kid. I've seen more promise and passion in you than any teenage boy I've known. You're not a screw-up. And you're not worthless."
I lift up my head to search for some sincerity in his eyes. When I look up, I'm shocked to see eyes of patience, love, and truth. It takes me a minute to understand. Then all at once, I feel this rush of water well up in my eyes. My throat burns and my face turns red. Soon and very soon I'm weighted down by tears. Before I can wipe my face, I'm pulled into an embrace. My sobs grow heavier and I feel him tighten his arms. He said I'm not worthless. And I think I believe him. I'm overwhelmed with such a warm feeling. I've almost forgotten what love feels like.
It has been forever! I know. Sorry about that. I've had a lot of writing just stored in google docs waiting to be edited. I've also been busy with other future stories. I promise I will get these last few chapters out and have this story published and finished in no time! Thanks for following along. I really appreciate your patience. PLEASE REVIEW.