1 November 1614
All Saint's Day today! The whole village seemed to be in the square and the park and the market. I even saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith who used to be the blacksmith, and they hardly ever leave their home because they have trouble moving. Dolora says it's something in their bones.
Anyways, Mr. Jacobson came with his fiddle again, and so did Mrs. Topham the tailor's wife. Simonn's still not an excellent dancer, certainly not the way Sigmun is, but he's getting better. He danced with Hannah and she looked so nervous, but in that butterflies-in-the-stomach way, like back in June a couple years ago. I scraped together my remaining pennies to buy sweets for my friends again, and as it turns out Sigmun decided to do that as well. So I ended up with more sweets than I really planned to eat, but it wasn't so bad because it what circumstances are sweets bad?
After the dancing, we went to the park and sat together and talked about lighthearted things. Sigmun kept his arm around my waist for the whole time and it made me feel all bubbly and full of butterflies. It's very sweet, the way he does that. I don't think he really thinks about it, either; I think he just does things like that.
Supper was delicious and warm and all sorts of people from the village were there, Sigmun and Simonn and our friends and some of Dolora's village friends and I just felt so light, and so happy. I didn't realize how wonderful it could feel to be happy and to be safe, or at least reasonably so. It was just so wonderful. I thought I'd start crying, I was so full of feelings.
I'm staying the night again, and I think I might sleep well tonight. I like how warm this house is and I like how heavy Dolora's blankets are. It's like being hugged. I think it would be nice to live here all the time. I suppose Sigmun and I would live at my house, which is too bad, because my house really isn't as nice. But maybe if we live there together and with our children (hopefully), it will be warmer and kinder than when I lived there with my mother or now, when I live there alone.
2 November 1614
It snowed today, a bit early in the season, but it was only a light sort of snow that doesn't stick. It was nice to walk in, at any rate. I haven't taken a long walk in a while, besides the walk from my house to Sigmun and Dolora's, or into the village or-basically, I haven't gone for a walk without a purpose in quite a while. But today I did and it was very calming. There is so much stress in the world and taking a walk seemed to negate just enough that the world seemed a bearable weight.
4 November 1614
I asked one of the seamstresses if I could have a job at their store today, the one on the east side. She said I had to be over the age of twenty-one to work there. I suppose I can ask the one in the center of town tomorrow, but I'm starting to worry if anyone's hiring a strange short girl with no proper parents anymore.
6 November 1614
Sigmun's been asking around for a job, too. They all give excuses, but I know they just don't want to hire an illegitimate. I wish they would; he's certainly just as clever and I think just as strong as any other person. And he's much kinder than most men I've encountered. I think it's so ridiculous! A child can't choose whether or not to have a father the way they can't choose their gender or skin color or who they love. It's just so…ugh! It's so frustrating, the way people choose which "sorts" of people they'll associate with.
The wanting feeling keeps getting stronger and I wish it wouldn't, it just makes all that shame my mother insisted I feel worse.
9 November 1614
It snowed again today, but it stayed this time. I finally gave in and took out my thick winter cloak. I like to embroider the bottoms of my cloaks (embroidery is irritating, but so lovely), and this one looked so bright against the brown trees and gray sky and white snow. Sigmun's cloak is just solid grey, because he says it matches winter. Simonn's cloak is absolutely threadbare and a sort of yellow-brown color, but not a sick sort of color, more like leaves in October when they're yellow and not quite dead yet. I don't know why I count this as important, but I feel like there are details no one remembers when they're old and I don't want to forget all the little details that make up my life, like the way Dolora organizes her books by the author's last name and the way Simonn's hair sticks up just so when it's windy and the way Sigmun holds history books different from novels. I don't want to forget.
11 November 1614
Rose is visiting for real this December, after months of having other things happen at the same time as her planned visits. She's going to bring all the supplies Dolora needs for her medicines and hopefully some more books. Dolora says we should be bathing at least once a week like they do in other countries because that's probably why they get sick less. I trust her with my life and I have noticed that those who bathe less often seem to get sick more. I suppose I could try and see.
12 November 1614
It's actually quite refreshing to take a bath at the end of a day. I tried it last night and it made me feel so relaxed and renewed, even though my hair was absolutely a mess. It was also kind of calming to brush my hair while I looked in the mirror. I found myself taking stock of my features, too. I made this strange sort of list: big green eyes, button-shaped nose, long thick brown hair… I don't know why. I guess I've just never looked at myself without a prejudice against myself.
I have to do laundry tomorrow. I can't let myself forget again!
14 November 1614
I'm preparing myself to go to the village and just ask. I still get a little nervous just walking to the village, I don't know how I can hope to ask someone for a job a third time. If I don't find a job here, I'll be in trouble.
Sigmun and I went for a walk to the creek today and we sat by the banks and I've never realized how warm a person can be when it's cold outside. I kind of like that he's a little taller than me because when we sit next to each other, his shoulder is just the right height for me to rest my head on and when he hugs me, I can hear his heartbeat and that's very comforting to me. It's a bit different with Simonn because he's tall enough that it's almost awkward to hug him. But I don't really mind; he's my best friend, after all.
15 November 1614
Simonn drew us all today. He had Dolora sit in her rocking chair and Sigmun and I stood on one side with his arm around my waist and Hannah stand on the other side. He drew himself with his arm around Hannah's shoulders. She was smiling a little bigger in the drawing, and he definitely made me prettier than I am. He drew Sigmun's hair a little flatter and Dolora's face a bit younger and I think he was drawing a little bit of what he wishes he saw in us. Hannah still looks scared most of the time, and I can't always feel as good as I wish I could, and Sigmun always seems a little too stressed, and Dolora looks older than her thirty-five years.
Either way, it was a lovely picture and I wish he could color it. But color ink is so expensive I don't think even the nobles can afford it sometimes.
17 November 1614
I did it! I asked the seamstress in the center of town for a job and they said I could work there! I start in two days. Oh, I can't wait! I have a job! I can by fabric and milk and lard and all those other things I need! I almost danced to Dolora and Sigmun's today because I was so happy!
I feel a little guilty about being so happy when Sigmun still can't find a job, but he seemed happy for me. I hope he can find a job, too. I just want my family to be happy.
19 November 1614
Today was my first day of work! I showed up at eight, just like the lady who's in charge (Pamela, not a very kind woman) told me. All the other women who work there (Johanna, Susan, Jane, and Agnes) and one man (David) were there, too, in various states of exhaustion. Agnes looks about Dolora's age. I think Johanna is a year or two older than me, and Jane is at least twenty-three, probably older. I couldn't really tell with Susan, but I think she's roughly my age. David is twenty-five or so, I think.
My job there is sewing buttonholes. The others who work there sew bad buttonholes, apparently, because so far I have done the buttonholes for at least fifteen men's shirts. Pamela, the women in charge, is not exactly what one might call kind. She seems to take offense to the fact that we need to eat lunch in order to survive. And she was all snappish when I sewed one buttonhole a little out of place. I could fix a mistake like that in a heartbeat, and I think I might start doing that if she's going to scream at me for every little mistake!
My coworkers seem alright, for the most part. Johanna clearly wants to be in charge, but she's only been working here a few months longer than me. Susan hardly spoke. Jane went on and on about her handsome fiancé in France who's coming here in (believe it or not) a few years. Agnes didn't talk much, and when she did she was gruff, but something about her suggests (to me, at least) that she's defending herself. David seems to be that sort of man who thinks himself entitled to whatever women he wants, and thinks we're all playing or teasing him when we tell him to go away. What a bloody joy to work with.
20 November 1614
Work seems to be going well. It's only my second day, so how could I say? But I'm doing my job and getting along with Susan and Jane and Agnes (sort of). Johanna doesn't talk to me. I think she doesn't like me because she does buttons and I do buttonholes and I work faster than she does by a mile. To be fair, that would probably irritate me, too. But I wish we could get along, or else these long weekdays in that stuffy back could get miserable.
I work from eight to three five days a week, which is less than most people work, but I'm new and I don't need that much money, just enough to buy a few necessities like cloth and such. I can find and grow my own food. I just hope this turns out well!
22 November 1614
Work is such a part of my daily routine now, after only a few days. I get up, I work, I hunt if I need to, I go to Sigmun and Dolora's, I cook if I need to, I write, I sleep. It's certainly not the most riveting job ever, but it's something to earn me the money I need.
The only bad part is how raw my fingers get after poking myself with the needle over and over again. It's next to impossible to sew buttonholes with a thimble on for me, so I'm a bit stuck with the soreness of my fingers. It usually doesn't bleed, not much anyways.
1 December 1614
There hasn't been much to write about, so I haven't been writing. But Rose comes tomorrow and she's staying for two weeks. Dolora's been fairly frantic trying to clean up that storage room that was a guest room when her uncle George and aunt Geraldine lived here. (I just found out today who lived in this house before Dolora.) I wanted to help, but she told me not to bother. I think she wants to impress Rose with her home and all that. I don't think Rose cares all that much; she's clearly in love with Dolora.
Advent started yesterday. I lit the first candle and watched it burn with a sort of feeling in my gut like I was watching something sacred. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's just how I feel. I can't bother worrying about what I'm suppose to feel, or if my feelings make sense. My feelings are my own and I'm the one who has the choice about what to do with them.
2 December 1614
Rose arrived today! It was terribly snowy, so when I finally got to Dolora and Sigmun's after work, Rose was sitting by the fire, shivering.
"Bit cold out," I commented.
"No kidding," she agreed. "I try to avoid traveling in summer if I can help it, though."
"Do you travel much?"
"A fair amount."
"Why?"
"For my second job," she said, which I suppose means her job as a revolutionary.
I nodded. "How long are you staying?"
"Two weeks. Then I have to go home for a family Christmas," she says, rolling her eyes like she's only as old as I am. Not that she's old, but she's an adult while I still feel like a child. I don't think I could ever feel like an adult. I'm just nineteen! I don't even know how to wear a hoop skirt properly, much less do adult things like run a household.
Anyways, Dolora seemed to be smiling quite a bit more. I was glad to see her so happy. I'm glad we've all found someone.
3 December 1614
It snowed for the whole day today, beautifully. Work was alright, as I think my coworkers don't hate me, mostly. I know Susan's kind, and Jane is nice if chatty and a bit self-centered. I mean, they're all tolerable besides Pamela and David, who is the sort of man to tell a girl on the street to give him a smile and then get mad when she ignores him and walks away. But other than that it's tolerable.
Rose was there again today and I saw her take Dolora's hand and hold it while they were cooking. It was very cute. I'm glad they're so happy.
5 December 1614
I dreamed about those two girls again last night. I wish I knew who they were! I'd like to at least know why the older girl seems to love me, when I haven't done anything for her. I wish I knew! It's just so odd…
Dolora seemed so light today. Sigmun kept blushing red as a sunset, and Simonn just seemed happy Hannah was home. Still.
17 December 1614
Rose left today after an uneventful visit. She kissed Dolora goodbye and she seemed so sad to go. I saw how much Dolora already missed her. I know they love each other, even if they can hardly ever see each other. It's sort of bittersweet, how separated they are. It's like a romance novel I once read, something about two lovers who were sent to different sides of the continent and traveled across to find each other, like Hannah and Dorothy except with romance.
I worry that Sigmun and I might be separated someday, but I also know that we can write letters. I hope we can. I never want to lose my friends, any of them. I worry.
19 December 1614
Today was a strange day.
I was sitting in the library with a book of romance poetry with Sigmun when someone knocked on the door quite frantically. Usually it's family of sick people who do that, and then Dolora leaves for a few hours before she comes back, exhausted and hungry. So I went to answer the door and there were three girls stand there. They might've been sisters, or cousins. Either way, the middle girl was supported by the other two and she looked like she'd been attacked somehow.
"Are you Maryam?"
"No. Let me get her. What happened?"
"Her husband beat her because she burned dinner. The doctor won't treat her."
"I'll be right back." I ran inside and shouted, "Dolora!"
"What is it, dear?"
"There's a woman here who needs your help."
She ran to the front room from wherever she was and added, "Go get bandages and my clean needle and thread. Tell Sigmun to get the usual herbs."
I nodded and did what she told me, because I knew it was urgent.
Dolora set the woman on a clean sheet on the couch with her head higher than her heart. Dolora always says that's important, though I don't know why. "What happened, Beth?"
"My husband," she choked. "I burned dinner…it's all my fault."
Dolora nodded and set about bandaging her cuts. She had me mix up some pain medicine and a medicine for blood loss. The woman-Beth, she works at the baker's and she's one of Dolora's friends-looked at the ceiling without really seeing it. Normally, this sort of thing happens at night, or while I'm at work, or while we were in the woods when I was younger. But I don't think it's usually quite this bad.
"Do you have anywhere to stay tonight?" Dolora asked.
She shook her head. "I can't go home until tomorrow. He'll forgive me then."
Dolora nodded. "It's not your fault. Remember that. This is not your fault."
"I burned supper…"
"You made a mistake. This is his fault and not yours. Alright?"
She nodded.
"I'm going to make some broth and bread for you to eat. Drink some water," Dolora said, placing a glass on the table. "And tell me if the pain comes back. I can mix up some more medicine."
Beth nodded again and sighed heavily. "Thank you, Ms. Maryam."
"Any time. Now, stay awake, but rest."
"I will."
Dolora tried to smile, but she didn't manage it, and left to make food. I had to leave not long after that to make my own supper, but the whole thing made me feel sick to my stomach. I can't believe anyone would do that to anyone else. I just can't believe it.
20 December 1614
I asked Sigmun today why he left the room.
"She'd just been attacked by her husband and turned down by the doctor! You think she really wanted to see another man?"
"That does make sense."
"I thought you'd have figured that out." It wasn't an attack.
"You're my best friend," I said, shrugging. "I trust you."
He looked at me a little funny. "You must trust me a lot."
"I do."
"Well, thanks."
"You've earned it."
He half-smiled at me. "Nice to know. You know I trust you, right?"
"Of course I do."
He smiled all the way and then kissed me, lightly. It made me feel very fluttery inside.
23 December 1614
I was thinking about getting married today. I mean, it's been years since Sigmun and I kissed for the first time. And we're getting older. Most girls get married before they're twenty-one, but then, I mostly end up doing things a bit differently on accident. Either way, it would be nice to marry him. I bet he'd be a good husband. I don't think we'd lose what we have, either. I hope not, anyways.
Which of course makes me nervous about my wedding night again. It's something I think about sometimes, I suppose, but never as something actual instead of theoretical. It makes me feel all full of butterflies and that goopy sort of stew from when you add too much flour. Some of the books say it hurts, and that scares me. I don't want it to hurt. I guess I just don't want to get hurt with something that's supposed to be so wonderful.
25 December 1614
We went into town for the village festival today and it was beautiful! There were candles and holly and pine wreaths everywhere. Someone even filled the fountain with pine boughs, so it looked like some fairy had dusted our village with some sort of magic. There was so much snow and ice that even though Mr. Jacobson and Mrs. Topham played their fiddles and someone cleared a space around the fountain for dancing, people were slipping and sliding all over the place. When Sigmun and I were dancing and he spun me around, I slipped on a patch of ice and I almost fell, but he caught me like that time we were skating way back when. If I was the type to swoon, I'm sure I would have. I tie my bodice loose enough to let my breath into my lungs. After we came back from the city and my mother…well, I've already written it, why should I write it again? Either way, after that, I don't ever want to be unable to breathe again. Not to mention the time I almost drowned…
The snow started falling around noon and it dusted Sigmun's hair with little white flakes, and a few caught in his eyelashes, and he just looked so handsome with that big, goofy grin of his and those eyes that flash red when the light is right. I felt my insides turn to goop again and I can't believe I ever tolerated living with my mother when I could've been feeling things like this without feeling so damn guilty.
Anyways, we danced and sang the Christmas songs the whole village knows, like "O Holy Night" and "O Come All Ye Faithful" and whenever we sat to rest on one of the benches, the snow would build up on his shoulders and his head until I brushed it off and he blushed. He's such a blusher. It's very cute.
Simonn and Hannah were dancing and Simonn's siblings were chasing each other around with all the other children. Isabella may be the shortest, but she can run fast. Thomas kept pulling at Simonn's cloak and asking if he was going to marry Hannah. Whenever he did, Simonn blushed so red I thought he'd faint and said, "Maybe. Go play with your siblings." It was very sweet.
I also saw all Hannah's sisters, each of them with the other girls their age, even Eleanor. Dorothy looked so much better than she did in October, less bruised and sick and more alive-looking. That must feel so nice. I know how it feels to look like a ghost and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone else, ever.
Dinner was delicious and beautiful and I was full. I haven't been full since I can remember. My mother never let me eat enough and since providing for myself, I haven't been able to afford enough food to be full. But it felt very good, though I felt quite sleepy afterwards. I'm staying over, of course. I'm sitting at the desk in the guest room right now with a candle lit. I think I'll sleep well tonight. I might not even have any nightmares.
26 December 1614
We gave each other presents today. I gave Sigmun this book on British history, and his eyes lit up at it. I gave Dolora a shawl made of this sheer material I found at the fabric store a few weeks ago, and I gave Simonn a notebook with lines going two ways, for doing calculations, and a pen. Dolora gave me this beautiful dress, almost a ballgown, and I wonder when I'd wear it. But it's so lovely, and it fits perfectly. I forget sometimes how well Dolora knows me. Sigmun gave me a thin bracelet I think he found at the jewelry store, which I almost can't believe. It's beautiful, glinting in the candlelight as I write. Simonn gave us gifts for the first time this year; he gave me a pair of green stockings.
I could feel the love in the air today. I could almost taste it. I feel like there's more to giving a gift than buying someone something; it represents thought one put into something and a particular sort of love. Either way, I felt very warm and loved deep in my core. I felt like I had a family.
28 December 1614
Sigmun was sitting on the couch with his head on his knees again today.
"Another dream?"
"Mm-hmm."
"What was it about? Or do you not want to say?"
"It was about a Christmas party. There was a big pine tree with these weird colorful candles on it and little toys hanging off it. I had a glass of wine in my hand and you were there and so were Mama and Simonn and Hannah and Rose. We were all giving each other gifts and Hannah and Simonn were married, and you and I were-were dating. That was the word we used. And we had this huge meal, bigger than anything I've ever seen outside a book. And we all had these little boxes that communicated somehow? I don't really remember that part. And you and Hannah and Mama all wore trousers, not skirts. And we all had these impressively ugly sweaters on."
"That sounds bizarre."
"It made perfect sense in the dream, but now it's just odd."
"I know the feeling.
He grinned at me weakly and I stood to make him tea again. Poor Sigmun. These dreams sound stressful.
31 December 1614
New Year's is tomorrow! I'm going to make a list of resolutions this year. I think I can do everything I want to. I certainly hope so!
Tell Sigmun how I feel about getting married.
Like the way I look
Write better
Meet someone new
Learn how to love myself the way Dolora says we all should
A/N: I would like to make it completely clear that Dianna has the body type considered attractive for her time period, which means today people would probably call her fat.