A/N: I'm sorry this is late again! Homework really piles up with 4 AP and 2 honors classes and I've had so little writing time.

That said, I'm a little ahead of schedule now so hopefully I'll have the next one pretty soon.

1 January 1615

Happy New Year's Day! Today it snowed so much I had to get a shovel to dig out my front door. It was quite a trek to Sigmun and Dolora's house (no one works until after Epiphany), but it was nice to feel all warm and loved.

I had one of those moments again yesterday when I was brushing my hair, the ones where I just decide I really like how I look and I like who I am. It's peculiar, but I actually like myself some days. When I think about how much I wanted to be anyone but myself when I was living with my mother, it's startling to look at myself and realize that despite everything she told me, I like myself.

3 January 1615

The river was frozen today, so we went skating. The wind was sharp as a knife and the snow was hard to trudge through (Simonn lost one of his shoes and I had to dig it out of the snow), but it was worth it.

When people get sick in the winter, Dolora always worries that she won't get there in time, even though she has snowshoes just for that purpose. It's just so easy to get a little too cold if you don't have a home on days like today and I worry a lot about people who have nowhere to go.

10 January 1615

There's a blizzard going on right now. I haven't been able to leave the house since last night; I can't even see out the windows (my mother insisted upon glass windows to my father when I was little and now I have glass windows). I'm worried about Simonn and his siblings, and Hannah and her sisters and her grandmother, and all the people in the village who don't have homes, and of course Sigmun and Dolora. I'm worried.

11 January 1615

I don't have much food right now, and I hope the blizzard ends soon so I can go hunting again. My stores of dried food will last a long time, but not forever, and I already planned out my rations for the whole winter until April, when I can start gardening and gathering plants from the woods. I hope I can get out soon.

12 January 1615

I had a nightmare last night about being trapped inside with my mother again, like when I was sixteen. I don't have so many nightmares anymore, hardly ever more than two a night, but they persist. And this was a pretty bad one.

The blizzard looks like it's lightening up, and I think I'll be able to leave my house tomorrow. I hope so, anyways.

13 January 1615

I managed to dig myself out of my house today. I went to work and everyone looked worn down by the storm. Susan especially looked exhausted. Johanna looked a bit angry, and so did Agnes. Pamela was all snappish and irritated, and I think she needs to take some of the medicine Dolora makes for people who get sick from working too hard.

16 January 1615

It would be nice to learn an instrument. I really like the sound of a fiddle and I know Mrs. Knox whose husband runs the dry good store by the fountain has a piano and sometimes gives the children lessons. But I've never read a book on how to play an instrument. It's probably something you need to learn from someone else, and with the actual instrument. I bet it's about practice, like reading in your head. It took me five years to learn to read in my head.

20 January 1615

Today while I was at Sigmun and Dolora's, Sigmun burst in, twirled me around off the ground, and then kissed me. He was laughing this huge, genuine laugh I hadn't heard in much too long.

"What on Earth is it, my love?" I asked.

"I got a job!"

"That's wonderful! Where?"

"John Peters's farm. I'm just a farmhand. He didn't even ask about my parents!"

I grinned and kissed the tip of his nose. "I'm so happy for you! When do you start?"

"Monday. I can't wait!" He laughed aloud again and hugged me, all warm and excited and sweet. I'm so glad he's found a job when he's been looking so long. He deserves to be happy, and I think this will make him very happy.

22 January 1615

It snowed again today while I was at Sigmun and Dolora's. I have no idea what Sigmun needs to do on a farm in weather like this, but maybe livestock need care or seeds need to be sorted or something like that.

I need to replace my boots come spring; the snow is making these almost useless. It's a good thing I have lots of thick wool socks. I remember the one time I wore cotton socks and Dolora made me soak my feet in a tub of hot water because she said I could've lost a toe.

25 January 1615

I saw one of those men Mother tried to get me interested in when I was in the market today. He was with Mary from when I was young, I think. I wonder if they're married or engaged or what. It's strange how everyone ends up with someone in a village like this. I doubt in only two thousand people, most of them children or married, everyone could find their match. On the other hand, it's not really about love but more about having children and social status, so I suppose there's that.

I think marriage should be about love. I can't imagine living with someone I don't love as a spouse for my whole life.

29 January 1615

I keep almost writing the year as 1614! I don't have any particular desire to go back to 1614 anymore than I'd like to be in 1609 again, but I just got so used to writing 1614.

Either way, today was one of those days when I felt that wanting more than usual when I kissed him and I feel so ashamed for it, even though most of me tells me not to worry, no one can punish me for what's in my head. There's another reason to get married.

I think about marrying him a lot these days. What would it be like to stand up in front of the church in a blue dress with a bouquet of lavender and swear to spend my life loving him, to hear him promise the same to me? I feel quite shivery inside at the thought.

31 January 1615

I was talking with Hannah today about getting married and she mentioned something a little odd.

"If you do get married, what will you do if you spoil things?" she asked.

"I…I don't know. Try to fix them?"

"I worry," she confessed. "That I'll do something if Simonn and I ever get married and ruin it for all of us and maybe our children. I don't want to ruin my marriage-or not-marriage."

"You can always fix your mistakes," I said. "Well, usually."

"I suppose," she said. "But there are so many things he doesn't know."

"Like what? I could tell you if he'd care. He probably won't. He's head-over-heels for you, Hannah."

"Just…things," she said vaguely. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Alright," I said, and I changed the subject. I wonder what secrets Hannah keeps; I worry she might be keeping secrets that are hurting her too deeply for anyone to help. But at least talking can alleviate some of the pain; I know that all too well. I hope she can confide in Simonn. He'll know what to say when it comes to her, and if he doesn't, one of us will.

2 February 1615

Winter tends to get dreary by February, especially this long and snowy winter. I swear it was colder this year than last. But I think it should be over soon.

Work was relatively good today. I didn't get in an argument with Johanna (and I know I should try to get along with her, but…), and Susan said I should come over for tea sometime, and Jane kept bragging about her fiancé, and David was pretty good for David, and even Pamela wasn't so bad as she sometimes is.

13 March 1615

I can't believe I forgot to write for a whole month! Longer, even! I'm only writing today because Hannah keeps her secrets and today she finally told us one of them.

Sigmun and I were reading when Hannah tapped my shoulder and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

"Dianna? Can I talk to you guys?"

"Of course."

She took a deep breath, that sort of shaky breath you take when you think you might cry. "You're going to think I've gone mad."

"No I won't," I said.

"Alright. Well, sometimes, you know I'm Hannah?"

"Yes…" Sigmun said.

"And I'm a girl?"

"Yes…" (Sigmun again.)

"Well, sometimes…just sometimes, not always, but often enough…I just feel like a boy."

There was a long silence, and I just didn't know what to say, so I said, "Pardon?"

"Sometimes…I feel like I'm a boy."

Another pause, much shorter.

"I know you probably think I'm mad and I should be killed and maybe I should be but I've felt like this since I was little and I just don't know what else to-"

"No, no, I just…I don't know what to say," Sigmun said. "I think neither of us do."

"I'm sorry."

"What for?" I blurted

"For not telling you two."

"It's alright," I said, and Sigmun nodded. "It's fine. Don't worry about it."

"Is there anything I can do?" Sigmun asked.

"Would it be too much trouble to ask you to call me Andrew sometimes? When there's no one else around? Because I'm sorry that's probably ridiculous to ask, and it'd be nice to be he sometimes but that's-"

"Hannah-Andrew?"

"Hannah."

"Hannah, calm down. Don't worry. We can call you Andrew if you want," I said. Hannah was breathing too fast and shaking and I was worried she might faint.

"It's fine," Sigmun said. "I mean, we all know Mama is just as clever and kind as anyone else."

"What does Dolora have to do with this?"

"She loves women."

"Oh." Pause, again. "So…you're still…my friends?"

"Of course. As long as you're our friend," I said.

"Thank you so much."

"You're welcome. Uh…how will we know to call you Andrew?" Sigmun asked.

"I'll tell you. But you can assume I'm Hannah and she when you're talking about me, even if…if I tell other people."

"Sounds like you've thought this out," I commented.

"I have. I…I kind of planned this out. Except then I forgot it."

"Hey, it's okay. You said it all in the end," Sigmun said.

"What time is it?"

"What?" I blurted.

"Uh…six or so. Why?" Sigmun answered.

"I have to go home to make dinner. I'll see you tomorrow. Thank you so much!"

"Any time," I said, waving.

So there's Hannah for you. I guess that's what she meant about things she hadn't told Simonn. I wonder if she's (he's?) told her (his? Their?) sisters yet.

Hannah did mention to call her she if she hadn't mentioned being he, so should I keep calling her she in my journal? She did say she'd prefer she when being talked about, so I suppose I'll stick with she unless I'm told otherwise.

I hope no one tries to hurt her over this. If they hang women in the city for loving women like Dolora (she never talks about it, but we hear rumours around here), I fear what they might do to Hannah if word ever gets out. I wish I didn't have to be so afraid for my friends.

16 March 1615

I got in an argument with Johanna today. She told me my buttonholes were too slow, so I told her at least I could sew buttonholes instead of just being able to do hems, which might not have been the kindest thing I've ever said, and then it just got worse from there. She and I are just never going to get along, are we?

20 March 1615

I heard a strange conversation between Simonn and Sigmun today.

"Simonn…gosh, just kill me for this…but I need some advice."

"I'm not going to kill you, but sure, what is it?"

"I…I want to…" I didn't catch what he said next, because he dropped his voice.

"Took you long enough."

"Shut up!"

"Look, if you want to, then just ask."

"No, I can't, it has to be special."

"You are so…I don't know if there's a word to express it."

"Thanks." It was a flat sort of sarcasm.

"If you're trying to make it all special, try flowers or something, I don't know. This isn't exactly my specialty, in case you haven't noticed."

"I was just…you two are my best friends, but you're the only one I can ask about this. It's kind of a big deal!"

"Alright. You want my advice? Flowers. And if you really can't force the two necessary words out, try writing it."

"Thanks."

"Any time. Now, don't pull one of your usual stunts where you go all tongue-tied and postpone it for four years."

"That was just once…"

"Yeah, but…" Then I couldn't hear Simonn for a little bit. "…You just need to do it, alright?"

"Alright. But I want to…" I didn't hear that part. "…for months…How do I know if she'll like it?"

"You could try asking her."

"I want it to be a surprise!"

"You absolutely hopeless romantic. Just go the jewelry store and ask, 'Which is your favorite?' or something."

"Thanks for your advice. I have to go cook dinner and everything."

"Any time, Siggy."

I wonder what that was all about.

23 March 1615

Work was horrendous today. It was too hot because someone stoked the fire too high and my hands were so sweaty I kept dropping my needle. And Johanna and I got in an argument again, unfortunately. I know I shouldn't listen to her, but she is so irritating! At least Jane and Susan are nice. David's rather an idiot, but he doesn't bother me much.

26 March 1615

Dolora saw my fingers today, how raw and red they are from pricking myself with the needle, and she gave me this salve that's supposed to help. I hope I'm not worrying her, because it's really not that bad. And I mean it this time, not like how it wasn't that bad when I needed stitches from the cuts my mother gave me.

Also, Jane was bragging again about that fiancé of hers again. I really couldn't care less about him at this point. I'm happy for her that she's getting married, but I wish she'd be a bit quieter during work.

27 March 1615

The salve worked wonders, but it only works as long as it's on. If it rubs off before a few hours have passed, it stops working. I usually put in on once I get home and before I go to bed. It's so nice to not feel like my fingers are constantly on fire.

Today when I was at Sigmun and Dolora's, I was reading when Simonn jogged in, grabbed his glasses off the table, and ran off again. I suppose he's not entirely done losing his glasses.

30 March 1615

I keep thinking about maybe marrying him. I mean, I'd like to just ask because it's been three years since we kissed the first time, but I don't know if that's alright. I've never even heard of women asking men. I suppose for Dolora and Rose a woman has to ask, but that's entirely different and anyways, there's not a priest alive who would marry them, unfortunately.

That's not my point. I want to ask him, but I don't know if I can. I mean, I love him. I know that for sure. And though I know most people don't marry because they're in love, I can't imagine marrying anyone else. I certainly can't imagine having children with anyone else, because I simply don't trust anyone else as much. Well, there's Simonn, but that's an even stranger thought than marrying a stranger.

I'll think on it more. If I ask, I want to pull something lovely together, a nice dinner or something. I'm not a good planner, but I think I can plan this.

2 April 1615

How does one propose to someone? I don't want to do something like in the romance novels, it's just too elaborate. And I couldn't afford it, I know that. So I guess…I could tuck a ring into his favorite book or something like that? Or perhaps I could just write a little note, telling him I want to marry him? I might have to save if I want to buy a ring. I'll check in the jewelry stores to see how much they cost. Planning to propose to someone is more complicated than I thought it would be.

4 April 1615

I haven't been sleeping these past few nights. I just can't sleep. I've tried chamomile and I even asked Dolora for some of that herb that makes you really drowsy, but I can't sleep. I feel all strange and dizzy inside from this lack, but I'm just…I'm scared to sleep. I'm scared to have more nightmares like the one I had two nights ago. (I ripped that page out because I couldn't stand to look at it.)

Work has been torturous these days because I prick myself with the needle so much more when I'm tired. The salve helps, but it can't make up for the way my body exacerbates my pain when it hasn't slept.

5 April 1615

Sigmun and I went to the market today and he looked very, very nervous. I suppose he's worrying about something and I wish he'd tell me so I can help him. I asked, but that made him even more nervous. Why does he do this? I wish I could remind him that he doesn't have to carry the world on his shoulders.

At any rate, we walked to one of the stores where they sell jewelry and of course I wanted to stop because I think the jewelry is just gorgeous. I never buy anything, because it's all far too expensive; I just like looking. That's enough for me.

"Aren't these lovely?" I said of a pair of earrings in this shade of aquamarine I just love. I know Sigmun doesn't quite get it, but he puts up with me and for that I am grateful.

"What d'you think of this?" he asked, pointing at a ring.

"Oh, that one's beautiful!" (I think most jewelry is beautiful).

"What about that one?"

"It's pretty too!" I'm not entirely sure why he was doing this.

It kept going like that for a while, then he said, "You go on ahead. I'll catch up in a second."

"Alright. I'll be at the fabric store." It's the warmest.

"Right."

He seemed even more nervous for the rest of the day. When I held his hand, I could feel him shaking like a leaf in a thunderstorm. I wish I knew what that was about.

I'm exhausted. It's not that late, in fact it can't be later than nine, but I have not slept for three nights and honestly the whole world's just been very disorienting today. Everything feels a little bit blurred and distorted. I need to sleep.

6 April 1615

Oh my goodness. I know what the whole thing was about yesterday. I know why he was so nervous. I can't believe I didn't notice! I must've been pretty tired.

I should probably backtrack a little.

Sigmun gave me flowers today, and it was this huge bouquet he'd arranged all nice, but he still held it out like he did so long ago when he first gave me flowers. He had this shy little smile and he said, "Look for the rose." So I did; I searched the whole bouquet for the one rose. I pulled it out and I was about to ask what the point was when I saw there was a little note tied to it. The note said, "Marry me?" And I lifted my head up to tell him yes and he was on one knee and he had this little ring in a box and he was smiling that sweet little earnest smile he does. So I just blurted, "Yes! Of course!"

He looked so relieved, as if there was some possibility I'd say no. He stood up and slipped the ring onto my finger and I threw my arms around his neck and I kissed him so hard I felt him stumble back a little. I…I can't believe it! I'm going to be married! To Sigmun! I'm still shaking, even now. I'm just so happy!

7 April 1615

I think perhaps work was the best it's ever been today.

We were talking about men, which ones are handsome and which ones aren't (which may sound horrible, but it's not like they were there to hear it), and Johanna mentioned Sigmun.

"Have you seen Vantas these days?"

"I have," Jane said. "He's much handsomer than he used to be."

"Oh, definitely. Can't believe he's not being courted by half the village."

"I know him," I said. "He won't be courting anyone."

"And why do you say that?" Johanna asked, all snappish and suspicious.

"We're engaged," I said, holding up my ring.

"Oh my goodness, that's wonderful!" Jane said. Susan smiled and concurred and so did the others, even Pamela. Johanna glared at me. It was very satisfying.

Of course Dolora knew already, but most of the town didn't, so today was just a flurry of telling people yes I was engaged, that's why I had an engagement ring, and it was the Vantas boy with the odd mother on the edge of town (who else would it be), and I wasn't going to quit work, and could they please let me go run my errands. Damn gossipy town. Everyone'll know by tomorrow.

Simonn of course just grinned at me and said, "Congrats, Deedee."

"Simonn, we're practically adults."

"And you're still Deedee and I'm still Simmie and Sigmun is still Siggy."

"Fair enough," I said with a little smile. I still miss being a child sometimes. But there are advantages to being an adult, and getting married is one of them.

I better find a dress pattern, and some good fabric and thread. I might have to save up for that, but I do want a new dress to wear.

And I won't have the same name anymore. I'll be Dianna Vantas. I won't have to carry any names I hate anymore. I don't have to be Sailor like my mother or Leijon like my birth parents, who I do believe don't love me. I can be Vantas. We don't really know his family history; we can make our own history.

With any luck, Dianna Vantas won't go through so much pain Dianna Leijon.

10 April 1615

I swear the sun has been shining brighter these days. Even though it's April and it's fulfilling its role of raining often enough to bother farmers, when the sun does come, it's brighter and more beautiful than ever. Even the rain is warmer, somehow more cleansing and less relentlessly sad than before. Either that or I've lost my mind. But it's so lovely and I feel like the world is, for once, on my side.

Sigmun's all blushy these days when I kiss him and I suppose he thinks about marriage the same way I do, sometimes. But he's the same as always, sweet as honey and kind and optimistic. I've never met anyone with such a positive outlook on what life has to offer. Except perhaps myself as of late. I feel limitless these days. I can't go to university, true, and I can't do a whole lot of things for whatever reason. But at the same time, I could do anything I wanted. I could quit my job or I could cut off all my hair or I could jump in the river and swim with the current until I reached the sea. I could do anything.

I could do anything, but I think of everything I could do, I will stay here with my family. I could do almost anything, then. I couldn't bear to lose them.

12 April 1615

I spent at least half an hour today just staring at my ring. Maybe that's shallow, but I'm just so happy to be engaged. And it's this beautiful gem, this tiny little sparkling jewel set in the thin gold band. I can tell it was cheap, and I don't care; it's beautiful. There's not a happier person in the world right now than me.

13 April 1615

I fell asleep with my ring on last night and I woke up this morning feeling very comfortable. I had a few nightmares, but not horrible ones, not like they are sometimes. I'm just so happy, I think it's counteracting the worst of the nightmares, if that makes any sense.

Work has been almost unbearable. Engagements are up there with affairs in gossip and Jane's been comparing Sigmun to her fiancé and Johanna keeps shooting me evil glares and Pamela told me if I slack off because of this I'll lose my job. She needs to calm down.

15 April 1615

I found a few nice patterns today in my book of patterns for a dress I could sew. It'll have to be a formal dress, of course. I want to dress up on my wedding day, of course! I'll find lavender in the forest for a bouquet and I suppose I can buy some sort of material in town for a veil. And I'll need to find a pair of shoes. I can't wear work boots on my wedding day.

My wedding day. I'm going to be married.

I can't wait!

A/N: Hannah is genderfluid and awesome.

Also, I'd love to know how I'm doing, so please tell me!