A/N: So it would seem I forgot to post Chapter 25 here when I finished it four weeks ago and I'd like to apologize for that.

4 August 1615

Etta and I were sewing and chatting today (it is indescribably wonderful to have a proper friend at work) and she mentioned her mother and how her father worked the farm but her mother was sickly.

"Ever since she gave birth to my brother. He's taking care of the farm with my father. But since they have to help my mother do the housework, I got sent out to find work. And a husband."

"Think you'll find someone here?"

She shook her head.

"Why not?"

"The same reason I couldn't find anyone at home." She spread her arms, I guess to indicate her dark skin, the same way Simonn spreads his arms to indicate the whole problem caused when his family lost their farm.

"Sorry."

"It's alright. I can support myself. You're getting married, aren't you?" I got the feeling it wasn't something she liked to talk about.

"I am. Doesn't mean I'm quitting my job."

"Why not? It's not exactly the most fun thing you'll ever do."

"My fiancé had a lot of trouble finding a job and-well, I worry he'll lose it and won't be able to find another."

"Why did he have trouble finding a job?"

"Illegitimate," I tossed off. "But he's such a sweetheart."

"No need to defend him to me," Etta said. "He seemed kind when I met him."

"Wish it was that easy all the time," I said. "You know?"

"Believe me, I do. If people could get jobs based on knowledge and talent, my family wouldn't be like we are. And maybe there'd be some more doctors and the sort around to help people."

"I'd say you got this job for your talent. I'd give an arm and a leg to be able to sew like that."

"Thanks, but you know they were just desperate."

"You still deserve it."

She smiled this very tired sort of half-smile and said, "I just hope it's not all for nothing. My family needs help."

"All the best to them."

"Thanks, you too. Hey, what about your parents?"

"What do you mean?" I asked carefully.

"Well, I met Miss Maryam, but she's your fiancé's mother, right?" Most people in the village call Dolora Miss Maryam. I guess it's some sort of grudging respect.

"She is."

"So what about your family?"

"No siblings. My mother…was not a kind person. She drank, sometimes. We…we didn't get along. My father was a trader, so he wasn't home much. I haven't spoken with either of them since my eighteenth birthday." I felt keenly her hands around my neck, like she might be right next to me, pinning me to the wall while I try my hardest to scream.

"I'm sorry."

"It's no loss. Dolora's taken care of me since I was little. She's good about things like that."

Etta nodded and she opened her mouth to say something before Pamela snapped, "Get to work, Topham and Leijon!"

I rolled my eyes and quickened my pace, because I hadn't stopped working, and Etta grinned at me and worked quicker on the dress she was making. I wonder who taught her to sew; they certainly knew what they were doing.

I hope Etta finds what she's looking for here. I doubt she wants to find a husband, not really, sort of how Sigmun and I ended up together without either of us planning on getting married. I guess I never really thought I'd not get married, but I never planned my life around getting married. I think Etta's much the same. Maybe that's why we get along so well.

17 August 1615

It was so hot today that people were getting sick from it. I was at Dolora's and two people rushed in with this little child, the Robertson's child, who had fainted. Dolora got some water and had the child drink some and then she had me take them down to the river to keep the child cool, because it's always cool by the river. She ran a bit after me and had the parents and she obviously didn't put the child in the water, but she had the parents sit there with the child and once they were awake, have her sit with her feet in the water, and possibly sit in the river if she could stand it. She had me stay behind with the family while she went back to the house to get some tea.

The child was acting a little odd, but I got her in the water and she started to perk up until she could drink the water I handed her. (Dolora has sick people drink boiled water because apparently people can get sick from bad water.) I know Dolora usually uses Sigmun and Simonn and I to help when things like this happen, but I've never really thought about how we might actually saving people.

Anyways, Dolora showed up with tea and gave some to the parents and herself, but not for the child because she was still too warm, and then once the child was able to stand again Dolora sent them home and said to keep her inside away from the fire for at least a week, and drink lots of water.

It's so strange to me that Dolora just trusts us to do the right thing. She gives us these instructions and then rushes off to do whatever she has to do to help the sick person and she trusts that we'll do it. I find myself untrusted quite often, whether by Pamela or by the law (to control my own property and all that), and it's nice that Dolora trusts me.

22 August 1615

Today was my twentieth birthday. How strange that I'm twenty years old, engaged, living alone, and employed, and yet I still feel like a child most of the time. I feel like this is some big joke, and someone will pull back the curtain and say, "Surprise! You're still fifteen and living with your mother and a child!" Maybe that's odd, but I just don't feel like an adult.

28 August 1615

Today Simonn didn't have work for some unknown reason, so we all sat around the library with a book like we used to do and read. But then Simonn mentioned being an adult and I asked, "Do you feel like an adult?"

He laughed. "No. Why, do you?"

"No!"

We both turned to Sigmun, who shook his head. "I don't think anyone really feels like an adult," he said. "If you think about it. I mean, no one realizes they're so sad or so burdened or so-what's the opposite of innocent? And you'd never realize you're more than the sum."

"How can you not know you're sad?" Simonn asked.

"Well, I was sad, when I lived with my mother. But I didn't think about it all that much. Didn't even realize I was sad until I wasn't anymore," I said.

"Fair enough. But you've gotten happier, which seems to be the opposite of being an adult," Simonn pointed out.

"I don't know. Maybe no one's ever really an adult, they just act like it," Sigmun said.

"Or maybe no one ever really feels like an adult," I said. "I mean, here we are, twenty years old and discussing whether or not we're adults. Half the women my age in the village have children."

"There's food for thought," Simonn said with that pointed look he does whenever someone brings up having children with Sigmun and I around. I glared at him.

"I wonder," Sigmun began, "if it's really worth it to pretend you know what you're doing."

"I doubt it's worth it, but it's probably necessary," Simonn said. And he'd know; he was an adult longer than anyone else I know.

"Unfortunately," I added.

Sigmun sighed and leaned his head against the couch and I reached out my hand to play with his hair because he has very soft hair. Simonn almost snorted, but I glared at him again. It's nice to sit like that, all sprawled on the couch like there's nothing I have to worry about, and I think playing with Sigmun's hair is in the realm of things fiancées are allowed to do.

Either way, an afternoon of rest was refreshing and I wish there could be more afternoons like that.

2 September 1615

I've probably never really mentioned that since Simonn's not over all that often, what with his job and all, most afternoons Sigmun and I sit on the couch and read together and it's quite nice. He's very good at cuddling, and kissing too. (He didn't used to be, but I think I might not tell him that.) And he's very cuddly. There's something very comforting about being all curled up on the couch with a book and my fiancé and a crackling fire and knowing I don't have to worry about the rest of the things I normally worry about for a little while.

Today was a good day, too. Work wasn't too bad and Rose sent Dolora a new book she bought in the market in the city and Sigmun and I read the new book together. I've been feeling alright about things in general lately. I never really expected that to happen.

14 September 1615

Neolla started her practice for real today, after preparing the whole summer. She found a little building in the market next to the baker's and set everything up (with Mariek's help, of course) and today she started working for real. I hope things go well for her! We do need someone to take care of legal issues around here. Most often people have to travel to the city if they need a lawyer. I could use a lawyer to take care of the house, if only I had the money.

1 October 1615

Etta got a letter yesterday from her family and apparently her mother's health has gotten somewhat better in the past few weeks and the physician said it might stick this time.

"That's so great!"

She nodded. "It is. I just hope it does stick this time. Dr. Goldberg says that every time."

"Oh."

She shrugged again. "My mother's strong. She survived giving birth twice and miscarrying once."

"Well, I hope she's feeling better."

"Me too."

And then we sewed in silence for a while and I just hope Etta's mother is alright.

10 October 1615

I'm going to have to take my winter quilt out soon. It's been getting cold at night and it doesn't help the nightmares to wake up chilled to the bone. I think it would be nice to sleep with someone else (Sigmun) and feel all warm and cuddly when I wake up. It might cut down on the nightmares.

Work was alright today. Etta and I talked some about philosophy, because it turns out her family had three philosophy books plus the Bible and she read them over and over. She's got really interesting ideas about Aristotle and Socrates I would've never thought of. Etta's a great friend. I hope she stays here for a while.

31 October 1615

All Hallows' Eve today! It was lovely like usual and dancing with Sigmun makes me feel so light and bubbly inside. I love wearing my nice dress and doing up my hair and when I look in the mirror these days, I like myself. I like my mind and my face and the rest of me. And maybe it's shallow, but I like the way he looks at me. It makes me feel all blushy and beautiful. I never thought I could feel beautiful.

The dancing is always fun and lively and exciting, and this time was no different. I danced with Sigmun and Simonn a little, too, and Sigmun danced with Hannah a little. Etta was there and we chatted (Sigmun too) for a while. Dolora made a delicious supper and I'm going to stay in the guest room because I don't like walking home in the dark. I wish I could sleep like when we were in the city and I curled up with him and rested my head on his chest. His heartbeat was so comforting. It's comforting to know there's someone else with me, that I'm not alone.

But that doesn't matter. I'll sleep in the guest room and probably not wake up screaming.

1 November 1615

Today was All Saint's Day and it was wonderful. I'm exhausted and I think this is the first time I've been so happily tired that I can't write much. It always used to be that I was so tired of being hurt that I wrote even if I was tired. But I just don't feel like I have to write so much anymore, because there's not so much squished into my heart. I feel so good.

Anyways, we danced and chatted and had sweets and Sigmun did that adorable thing he does when he takes my hand and kisses it and says, "May I have this dance?" with this silly accent like the nobles in the city. It's really very sweet. And I laughed and said, "Of course, my good sir," and pulled him close to me for a dance.

I'm so tired and I think I might collapse. It's high time I went to bed, in my own house.

14 November 1615

Sigmun and I sat together today on the couch and we talked idly for a long time and I love him so much. I just…I love them all, so much. I can't stand it sometimes; it's just too much for me to keep inside. I wonder if they feel the same way about me.

I hate to say it, but I worry Sigmun might not keep his job once his boss discovers his parentage. I only have my job because I can claim a father and a mother, and I can sew halfway decent buttonholes. How much harder it is for him to have a job! I hope Mr. Peters isn't like that, but most everyone is and so I worry.

20 November 1615

Today I went to Sigmun and Dolora's house and Sigmun was sitting on the couch the way he does after he's had a nightmare, curled up small and hiding.

"Sigmun? You alright?"

He shrugged. "Not really."

"What happened? Did you have a weird dream again?"

"No. Well, yes, I always have them-"

"What?"

"I always have the weird dreams, they just…they're not always different. They end up being the same as the ones from the night before. And I don't remember most of them. But that's not it."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really, but you should know…I lost my job."

"I'm sorry."

He shrugged again. "It's nothing. Yesterday he asked about my parents, I told him about Mama and he asked about my father, I said I didn't know him, and today he told me he didn't need me anymore and I didn't need to come back."

I hugged him, except he was all curled up and so it didn't really work out.

"You remember when you said it would be easier to hug me if I hugged back?"

"I do."

"The same principle applies here."

That got me a little laugh and he uncurled himself, so I hugged him close. I feel so sorry for him! It's so stupid that he could lose his job for not having a father. I'd suggest lying and saying his father died when he was infant if he wasn't so dead honest and bad at lying.

"You can find a new job," I said. "They always need help in town and on the farms."

"I guess."

"You will. I promise."

One more shrug. "Suppose so. I'm so sorry."

"For what?"

"About the house. I lost my wages."

"It's fine. I'll come up with something. I told you, it's my house and I can pay for it."

"I'm still going to help! I'll do what I can. You have my word on that."

"Thank you, my love. But I'm fine."

"I love you," he said, and he looked so tired. I wanted to make him tea and make him go to bed and rest there until he felt better. I wonder if that's part of love.

29 November 1615

First Sunday of Advent: hope. It's definitely not the most hopeful time ever right now, what with Sigmun's job search and Simonn's poor wages and Etta's mother getting worse. But I lit the candle anyways, a purple one, and I watched it burn while I ate dinner. There's something very curious about watching a candle burn down. I don't know what it is, but I quite like it.

6 December 1615

Today was the second Sunday, peace. I ate dinner with Sigmun and Dolora, but I lit my second purple candle and watched it burn for a little while. I'm glad we have a candle-maker in the village. Maybe it's silly, but I like having colorful candles for Advent.

We've been busy at work because everyone's buying presents for their friends and family. I'll have to tackle that soon. I have no idea what I'll do for them. Etta's going to send some of the nicer fabric and thread to her family and maybe add in a couple pamphlets the city people hand out here sometimes. (Her village is too far from the city to get many city visitors.) I wish I knew what to get my family this year.

13 December 1615

Today I lit the pink candle, which is for joy. "Joy" might be a stretch, but I'm certainly not miserable. Besides all this reflecting on peace and hope and how I'm not the useless waste of a person my mother made me feel I was, I feel secure in things right now. Things can and will go wrong, but I feel like I can handle it now.

Mariek and Neolla were in the village together today like they are and there are rumors going around that Mariek's finally found a nice boy (that nice new Nelson Reglare fellow, you know the one…) and it's actually hilarious because Mariek and Neolla have known each other for so long they might as well be married.

16 December 1615

Candas and Orvill and Grantt were in town today and I had a conversation with Grantt, which in and of itself is strange because he's never talked before as far as I can remember. Other than that, it was a strange conversation.

I was in the park with all my friends and he walked up to me and said, "Hi."

"Hi," I said back. His voice wasn't quite as deep as I thought it'd be.

"I'm Grantt."

"Yes, I know. I'm Dianna."

"Hi."

"Pardon me?"

"I'm Grantt." He had this look of total panic on his face.

"Yes, you are. Are you feeling alright?"

"…Hi," he stammered.

"I think we should to go see Dolora," I said, and I was about to go get her, because I thought he had a fever, when he shook his head and rejoined the others.

I asked Sigmun and Simonn about it later, and Sigmun got very grumpy like he does sometimes.

"What?" I asked. "I was just wondering if he was sick or something."

"He asked me earlier today how to talk to a girl you like, and I told him say hi and introduce yourself."

I almost laughed aloud because of all things! But Sigmun was still grumping, so I kissed his cheek and said, "It's not like you have any competition, my love."

Simonn rolled his eyes and added, "If we're done with the sappy romance, could we possibly read something? I haven't read for months."

So we read something from Principia, and even though I was tired, I didn't fall asleep.

20 December 1615

Fourth Sunday today, love. That's the last purple candle, I'm sure. I'm also sure that I've never felt more loved than I do these days. I feel like maybe I'm worth loving. I'm not totally useless, and I think I have something to offer to my family, though heaven only knows why they loved me in the first place. I'm just glad I have them.

It's a wonderful feeling, being loved. It's not the same when Dolora helps me brush my hair as when Sigmun kisses me as when Simonn gives me one of those long hugs he pretends he doesn't like, but it is still the feeling of being loved and I'm so glad that after everything with my mother, I'm not entirely unloveable.

25 December 1615

It was a lovely Christmas festival this year. Dolora made us dinner, of course, and we all went to Sigmun and Dolora's to celebrate when it was late. My legs are sore from dancing and my hands from clapping, because Mr. Jacobson and Mrs. Topham played some of the lively tunes the children dance to while the others stay out and watch. It's adorable.

I did finish my Christmas shopping in time. I bought Dolora a book on medicine I found in the back of a little shop in the square, Sigmun a deck of cards and little volume on how to play games, and Simonn a set of magnets. They talk about magnets in the physics books and I thought he'd like them. Sigmun gave me a book of poetry, Dolora gave me a new cloak with her embroidery around the edges (Dolora's embroidery is very distinctive), and Simonn gave me a new pen. (I very much need one.)

If everything goes well, we're going to be getting married in less than six months. I can't believe it. If it's half as wonderful as these holidays in the village, dancing and laughing and just having time with all my friends, I will be overjoyed. I'll have to start on this dress soon, to make sure it's done in time. I just hope everything goes well.

31 December 1615

Happy New Year's Eve! I'm going to try to stay up until midnight this year the way some people do in town, to greet this new year happily. I still feel relief some mornings when I wake up without such a weight on my chest, without dreading the day in front of me.

And I did my hair up today for no real reason and I looked at myself in the mirror and I think I love myself, too.