1 January 1616
Happy New Year! I can't believe it's 1616. I feel like just yesterday it was 1613! It's amazing how quick time passes sometimes. Time at work passes extraordinarily slow, especially if Etta's not there, but overall time seems to be passing faster than it did when I was a child. I wonder why.
10 January 1616
There haven't been any major blizzards yet this year, but I'm not exactly holding my breath that there won't be. I find it hard to believe what they say about places like where Dolora gets her medical books (I've never seen the name written), that they're full of sand and the sun is most always shining and it doesn't snow. I mean, this is a big world and I'm sure not everywhere it like this drab country with it persistent precipitation, but it seems incredible that anywhere could have no snow or so much sun.
I wonder what it's like across the ocean. Obviously I don't know anyone who's ever been, but I'm curious.
24 January 1616
I hate going to the market alone. I hate it. I had to today because Simonn was at work and Dolora was searching for some winter herbs and Sigmun was looking for a job, and I wish I didn't have to go alone. I'm not even in the mood to write right now.
I should probably make dinner. At least it'll be a distraction.
3 February 1616
Sigmun was all happy and energetic today and I asked him why.
"I got a job!"
"That's great! Where?"
"The shoemaker's. He needed someone to help out."
I hugged him, even though I have to stand on tiptoe, and he hugged me right back.
"You can count my wages back into the house money."
"I've told you not to worry about it!"
"But I'm going to help anyways," he said with one his silly grins. "Always at your service, my love."
"You are ridiculous."
"That's why you love me."
I rolled my eyes at him, but I really didn't mean it and we read until it was almost dark out.
15 February 1616
Etta came by for tea again today and she met Simonn and Hannah. Simonn was happy to meet someone else who liked philosophy, but Hannah was quite shy the way she is around new people. Etta's living in the village in the boarding house, so she was happy to stay for supper, though Simonn and Hannah both left, both to feed their siblings.
Dolora was all kind and made a delicious supper and it was a nice meal. I walked with Etta back to the boarding house because I hate the idea of my friends walking home alone at night. (I had a lantern for walking back to my house.) I like people and Etta's a good friend. I hope she can stay for a while.
20 February 1616
Etta got another letter today saying her mother was getting pox marks. Most of us around here had the pox when we were little (both kinds), but Etta says her town really didn't have anyone with pox. Apparently no one ever comes or goes. It's worrisome.
I wonder what Dolora does for the pox. I don't know how many people die from it, but it's certainly something that needs to be treated.
27 February 1616
Etta had to leave today. Her mother has a fever and pox marks, so it's looking like smallpox. I guess it could be chicken pox, but who knows? They're both dangerous. So Etta said today was her last day and she'd have to go home to take care of her mother.
"Good luck," I said.
"Thanks. I'll try to write."
"I will too. You spell it T-O-P-H-A-M, right?"
"Mm-hmm. And your name is L-E-I-J-O-N?"
"Yep. I'm going to miss you!"
"Me too."
I hugged her and then said, "I hope your mother gets better."
"Thanks. I'll do what I can."
"All the best."
"You too."
"Bye!"
"Goodbye."
I really do hope her mother is alright. It sounds like she liked her mother, or at least got along with her. And I am going to miss Etta. I hope she writes.
4 March 1616
Simonn left his glasses at Dolora's again today and when he came back looking for them, he tripped on one of the kitchen chairs. The only thing really significant about it is that when he tripped, he blurted, "I'm sorry!"
"What are you sorry for?" I asked.
"Nothing. But my boss gets annoyed if I trip at work."
"Simonn, are you sure about that job? You could always get one somewhere else."
"It's fine. Mr. Peters is alright, and it pays well, but the other worker can be a real jerk."
"Alright…"
"I'm fine, really."
"Alright, Simonn."
"If I wanted a different job, I'd get one. I'm just not coordinated enough for most jobs."
"Hey, I'm just trying to keep an eye out for you. You're my best friend."
"And you're mine."
"Have fun at work, then."
"You too."
I hope he is alright. It worries me that he might be at a job that's making him miserable. I might worry too much about my friends, but I can't really help it. I just worry.
28 March 1616
And here I thought I was getting better about not losing my journal! Somehow it got stuck behind my writing desk and I didn't find it until today. Nothing much has happened; I got a letter from Etta and Sigmun's kept his job and Simonn's kept his. I've gotten some work done on my wedding dress. Not much ever happens around here, so that's about all I have to say.
31 March 1616
I was feeling nervous about being married today and it's mostly because in the romance books, they say it hurts, a woman's wedding night. On the other hand, the books are written by men, and how would they know? I doubt they ask their wives. And…I've never actually seen a naked man, of course, excepting one very informative anatomy textbook I borrowed from Dolora a few months ago because I was curious about how the body must renew blood because I mean, after a bad cut or something, you get the blood back…It would seem I'm rambling some, but the point still stands. I'm just nervous.
The books also mention bleeding. I hope I don't start bleeding. I mean, I bleed once every month, and that's plenty enough for me. But I know my love would never hurt me, so maybe it won't hurt. I certainly hope so.
8 April 1616
It was unseasonably warm today, so Sigmun and I went to the clearing without the pine tree in the middle and sat around and discussed things. And I asked the question that's been on my mind for ages now.
"When we are married…do you want children?"
"Do you want children?"
"I asked you! Do you?"
"And I'm asking you! Do you want children or not? You'll be the one being pregnant for nine months."
"…Yes. Do you?"
"Yes." He said it without hesitation.
"How many?" I asked.
"Oh, I don't know. I've just always wanted children."
"I want lots of children. Four or five."
"I bet they'd all be as clever as their mother."
"I think they'd be as brave as their father." He nudged me and smiled.
"I do want children. Especially since you're going to be a great mother."
"Thanks. You'll be a wonderful father."
There was silence while we watched the river and the sunset. "You know…I don't tell you how much I love you enough."
"I love you too."
"But I mean it! I love you so much and I never tell you!"
"You do. You help pay for the house and you ask me if I want children and you give me flowers and all that. I don't tell you often enough how much I love you."
"You do tell me, though, all the time. Every day."
"Because I can't just not tell you!"
He smiled and kissed me and I loved the feeling of real love because I still feel like no one loves me sometimes. "You're much too nice to me," I said.
"You deserve it. You deserve everything I could hope to give you and more."
I laughed shortly. "I don't deserve that. You deserve better than me."
"You've got it backwards."
"I don't!"
"How about we agree that both of us are good people and be done with it?" He splashed me and I'm sure I squealed.
I didn't say anything for a little while. "Darling…" I started.
"Yes?"
"What if I can't have children?"
"What do you mean?"
"If I can't have children. Or if I only have daughters."
"I really don't care if we only have daughters, or only have sons, or no children, or eleven children. I'll still love you. And I'll still love any children we have. Why would you ask?"
"Because my blood mother only ever had two children. Most nobility have seven or eight, you know that. What if I can't have any?"
"Then you can't have children. What's wrong with that?"
"I…I don't know. I just…well, if I can't have children, there must be something wrong with me."
"That doesn't make sense."
"How?"
"How does it make sense?"
"It makes sense because…you remember Mrs. Henderson, how she never had any children and everyone said it was some divine punishment. Not having children…they say it means there's something wrong with you. That's just how people say it works."
"But it takes two people for a child, right? So what if a man can't have children? Is there something wrong with him?"
"I don't know, nobody bothers with that!"
"So how the hell would anybody know, if we never have children, if it's you or I who can't have children? Or even both?"
"It doesn't matter, everyone will blame me."
"They shouldn't."
"They will anyways."
"Well, I won't care. And if we have five daughters or five sons or some mix, I will love all of them and I will love you."
"And I will love you."
"Then it doesn't have to matter."
I sighed. "I'm just so damn tired of the whole world looking at me like I've done something wrong."
"I know the feeling."
"Then you know why I don't want to not have children."
"But do you want children at all?"
"Yes." I know I want children, outside of what people say. "This has been such a circular conversation."
"It certainly has."
The moonlight glinted through the tree branches and I noticed it must've been almost nine. "I have to head home."
"Do you want to stay the night? I-wait-I don't mean-"
"No, I know what you mean. But I can't. I have some sewing to do, and I left my bow and arrows at home."
"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Definitely. Goodnight, my love."
"Goodnight, darling."
I don't know why I never considered if there are men who can't have children. Perhaps it's because everyone assumes it's the woman's fault, no matter what. I wish "everyone" didn't mean so much to me as it does. I suppose never having children wouldn't be so horrible. I could always adopt a child the way Dolora did. And I suppose the way my mother did. But they say it's a punishment if you can't have children, and I don't want to be punished. I don't think I've done anything horribly wrong. I also don't know if I believe it's a punishment.
I'm so tired I can't see straight. It's most definitely time for me to go to bed.
17 April 1616
Today was a Sunday, so Simonn didn't have work, so he was at Dolora and Sigmun's, pacing and all but tearing his hair out.
"Simonn, are you alright?" I asked.
"No!"
"What's wrong?"
"You know how I said I have those freaky future-nightmares."
"Yes…"
"Well, I had one last night."
"And?"
"And in it Isabella and both my parents were dead!"
"Simonn, take a deep breath. You sure it wasn't just a nightmare?"
"I know the difference."
"Are they sick?"
Simonn sighed and looked left. "I think so. My father won't talk about it, but he and my mother have been tired all the time. And I thought I saw Isabella scratching a pox mark the other day."
"Oh, Simonn, I'm so sorry."
"It's fine. I might yet be wrong. I'll…I'll take care of them. I can take care of them!"
"Of course you can. They'll be fine."
"Yeah. They'll be alright," he said, but I don't think he really believed it.
30 April 1616
Today was a little strange.
Sigmun and I went to the clearing with all the forget-me-nots and sat in the sun after work and all that and I felt very warm and safe and it was nice.
"Sigmun?"
"Hm?"
"…Can I tell you something?"
"Sure."
"I just…I want you to know how much I trust you."
"Okay…?"
"No, I mean…okay, by marrying you, legally speaking, I'm not my own person anymore. You know that, right?"
"I do."
"So, I just want you to know that since I don't really have to marry you for financial support, I'm just putting a lot of trust in you by marrying you."
"I know."
"I'm not sure you quite get the whole picture, though. I mean, you could hit me like my mother did and legally speaking, you'd have the right. Well, at least, the judge would say you did. Technically, I won't own much of anything, and I won't have my own money. It'll be yours. Along with most everything else I own. You could do pretty much whatever you liked to me. You could force me and no one would care. Legally speaking, you'll own me. So I just want you to know I'm trusting you a lot by marrying you."
"I'd never hurt you! You…you know that, right?" He sounded nervous, like I might not know that.
"Of course I do. That's why I'm trusting you."
"Well…thanks."
"You're welcome."
He was very warm next to me, like people are, and I rested my head on his shoulder because it felt nice. I do trust him, very much, and I wanted him to know that.
2 May 1616
Simonn stopped by today and apparently there's no denying it anymore; Isabella has pox marks and both his parents have a fever of some sort. He said he might have to quit his job if they get much worse. His father was almost seeing things from fever and Isabella's pox looks like variola.
11 May 1616
I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. Ever. I'm about ready to die. I think Sigmun probably feels worse, though. At least I still have the house for…damn. The person from the bank should be coming this week. Where will I live? My choices are clear: with Simonn, with Sigmun and Dolora, or on the streets. Simonn has his little sister and his father and mother to take care of, so I don't think that works. Living on the streets is needless danger and pain. Which leaves Sigmun and Dolora's house. Maybe Dolora will let me stay there for a couple weeks? At least Neolla found a place to stay.
Unless by some miracle we can afford to keep this house. Which I guess is possible, if there is a miracle. I suppose I can't give up hope.
Oh, the reason I'm still blushing is that…well, Dolora found Sigmun and I kissing. She said she'd be in the market until late, so we thought (erroneously) that it'd be okay. We studied a bit of chemistry when Simonn was there, then he left and we had lunch and then we were sitting on the couch reading a book of poetry and he kissed me like he does, all passionate and sensuous. I think he kissed me hard enough to leave one of those little bruises on my neck. I'm afraid it hurts him when we kiss like that because I can't help but dig my nails into his skin, but he says it doesn't hurt. Maybe he means it hurts in a good way, like when his teeth sort of nip at my skin and I like it.
Anyways, our lips were pressed together and I was lying on top of him when I heard someone drop a pot or pan or something and I kind of panicked. I guessed it was Simonn, which would be awful but not too bad. Then I heard Dolora say, "Oh, clumsy me." I heard the laughter in her voice and I knew she'd seen us and I was about ready to die. I saw Sigmun's face go from a little flushed to a red that rather looked like wine. "Do you think…" he started in a whisper.
"Yeah," I answered, also whispering. "I do."
Neither of us said anything for a moment, then I sat up so I wasn't on top of him anymore and tried to not blush.
"You're red as a sunset," he said.
"You're redder," I shot back. "I-I'm just going to leave now."
"Yeah, okay," he said, still a violent shade of scarlet. "I'll walk you to the door."
"Dianna dear, would you like to stay for dinner?" Dolora called.
"No, it's okay," I said, far too quickly. I ran my fingertips along my hairline and pressed them to my temples because there was no easy way out of this. Sigmun ran his fingers down my mess of hair to rest on my waist. "Come on, I'll walk you out, like I said."
"Thanks."
He took my hand and walked me to the door, and I fully intended to just leave. But Dolora called, "Are you sure you don't want to stay, Dianna dear? I'm making mashed potatoes." I love mashed potatoes, but I wasn't going to stay when my face was still scarlet.
"I really need to go home and finish my leftovers," I said.
"Alright." I could hear her laughing and I could feel my face heating up. "See you tomorrow, then."
"Bye, Dolora."
Sigmun shrugged and kissed me once on the cheek. "See you tomorrow, love."
"See you, darling."
I left and I'm still humiliated. That was just really bad luck and I…I don't know. I hope she doesn't bring it up tomorrow because I'd just die.
15 May 1616
Simonn quit work today. His parents are bedridden and Isabella is starting to get scared. Simonn said he promised her he'd teacher her to write and so he's been doing that when he has the time.
I hate writing about such sad things, but it's weighing on me. Not as much as Simonn, but I like Isabella and Simonn's so tired whenever I see him.
I tried to get him to let me help out, but he shook his head and said I shouldn't because I never had scarlet fever, and he did. (Part of the reason his vision is so horrible, I think.) And then he left to go take care of his family.
18 May 1616
I forgot about the silver! I can sell the silver and that should be plenty enough to keep the house! I knew I saving it was a good idea! If I add what Sigmun and I have saved to the silver, I can keep my house and everything will work out! There's even two bedrooms, and it is quite a nice house. It's a bit unconventional, but then, isn't my whole life?
I was hoping for a miracle, and here one is!
18 May, later
I'm at Dolora and Sigmun's because I couldn't sleep. I just had this uneasy feeling about the house and I kept tossing and turning and finally I gave up, packed a bag, and walked over here with a lantern. I undid the latch and let myself in and found the blankets I borrow when I come over here and I hope Dolora won't mind. I just had this awful feeling of dread.
19 May 1616
Oh my goodness. I am the luckiest person in the world.
I went into the village today and apparently there's a robber who breaks into homes, steals people's silver, slits their throats, and leaves. I thought that was frightening, but then I went home and all the silver was gone, and the door latches were broken, all three of them. I panicked and ran back to Sigmun and Dolora's and started pacing because what if he came back to cut my throat? What if he came back to kill me? I bet it's a man; I don't know of any woman criminals.
Dolora gave me a cup of tea and told me that I would be perfectly safe, but I could stay with them another night if I wanted. I told her I'd be fine and I'm sure I will be.
But there goes my house. That silver was going to pay off the house! It was going to work out! But no, this silver thief has to jump in and ruin everything! I guess we'll have to live with Dolora, then, because that silver was probably about a quarter of the house money, which was already half of what a house normally costs. There's no way we can afford a house on our own.
Things never seem to deal out in my favor these days.
20 May 1616
The man from the bank came today. Since I didn't have the money, he said I'd have to leave by tomorrow. I packed up everything and walked to Dolora and Sigmun's and when Dolora opened the door, she had me put everything on the couch and hugged me tightly because she must know how hard this has been on me.
"It's alright, Dianna dear. You can stay in the guest room."
"The guest room?"
"I cleared out the storage room; it used to be my aunt and uncle's guest room when they lived here with my cousin. You can stay there."
"Thank you so much, Dolora."
"Any time, Dianna dear."
"What can I pay you for this?"
"Nothing. You don't need to pay me for anything."
"But you do so much for me—"
"Because I care about you, Dianna dear."
I felt that funny sort of feeling in my heart that I get when someone tells me they love me and I hugged her again. "Dianna dear, look at me." I did, and she said, "No matter what may happen, you are always—and I do mean always—welcome here. Understand?"
I nodded. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. Would you like any help moving your things?"
"No, it's okay, I'm fine," I said. I don't want to burden her with anything else; she's already much too kind to me. I don't deserve to be allowed to stay in someone's guest room when I've lost my house and I've already been such a burden and I don't deserve Dolora's kindness or care. I don't know why she bothers with me.
20 May, later
Sigmun blushed scarlet when I told him I'd be staying there for a few weeks because the man from the bank came by and took the house, I suppose because we'll be living in the same house before we're married. It is a bit scandalous, but I really have nowhere else to go and he said he'd rather I be here anyways, because then I was safe.
"You worry too much."
"There was a silver thief at your house just two nights ago. Your mother used to scream at you at all hours of the day and night. You were attacked in 1614, not so long ago. You get harassed every day you walk down the street. You told me you always carry a knife with you. And that's just you! I get fairly regular death threats. I can't go places without a knife on me. People are always threatening to kill or hurt Mama. Simonn dreams about his family dying…Need I go on? There is plenty to worry about."
"Love, you should stick to worrying about you, not about me. I can take care of myself."
"I'll still worry."
I rolled my eyes jokingly and rested my head on his chest. "You're sweet."
"Thank you."
"Any time."
It's nice to know that he cares about me. At least someone does.
29 May 1616
I guess I panicked today when I was thinking about the wedding now that it's two weeks away, and I ended up babbling to Simonn for longer than I think he cared to listen.
"I mean, just…what if he snores, or what if I snore, or what if after we have children we don't get along anymore, or what if when we're older it turns out we don't love each other anymore, or what if he starts drinking, or what if I do, or…what if we don't get along in bed….or…"
"Have you actually spent time and energy thinking about this?"
"Yes…"
"First of all, if I know you both, snoring won't wake up either of you. Second of all, why are you already worrying about children, and why would having children or getting older at all change how in love you two are? Third of all, no one is going to start drinking. You aren't, I know Siggy hates the feeling of the morning after drinking with a passion. Fourth of all, why wouldn't you and him, quote, 'get along in bed', unquote? You've been in love since you were sixteen. At least you can get married."
"But what if…"
I kept on like that for a while and Simonn listened and kept telling me why I shouldn't be worried. I just…I panicked. I'm so worried. It doesn't make sense, but I am. I'm also excited, and nervous, and joyful, and overwhelmed, and even a little bit hopeful.
31 May 1616
Simonn's father died today.
Simonn tried not to cry, but he was shaking all over and His face was all red and tearstained. We all went to the church service, except Isabella and Simonn's mother, and even though I never really met Simonn's father, it was so sad to see him lying in the coffin like he'd wake up and start just living again. The priest did all the blessings and he was buried in Simonn's family's plot in the graveyard, next to Simonn's grandparents.
I'd write more, but we're at Simonn's house and he's crying again. I'm going to do what I can to help out. Of all people who need help right now, I think Simon needs it most.