4 July 1616

I think I've caught a summer cold. I've been so tired recently, and feeling ill in general. It's been making work a real pain, but I'll just take some of Dolora's herbs and it'll pass.

8 July 1616

Simonn was sad today (I could tell), because of everything with his family of course, so I said, "Hey, Simonn. Five things you like about yourself."

"Nothing to like."

"No, sorry, try again. Five things."

"Fine. Five. Uh…I like that I'm smart. I'm a quick thinker. I'm good at taking care of my family. I can take care of people in general…and I'm…how many is that?"

"Three." (Little white lie.)

"I'm resilient. And I'm loving."

"See, there is plenty to like."

"Your turn."

"Ugh." It's a hard game to play.

"Five things, Deedee!"

"Fine. I'm smart. I have a family. Um…I'm kind. I'm determined. I…I like myself."

"You like that you like yourself?"

"Yes, I think I do."

"Hm…" he said. "Clever."

"Clever?"

"Positive loop."

"Yeah."

He sighed one of those heavy sighs and I walked over to where he was sitting on the couch and hugged him tight. He practically melted and he just hung there in my arms for a very long time. I think he needed to not carry all that weight for a little while. I patted his back and said, "It's okay, Simonn. It'll be okay."

"No, it's not, it's not okay, my parents and sister are dying…"

"It's not okay. But someday it will be."

"It won't!"

"Yes, it will. I promise. It wasn't okay when I lived with my mother, and for a long time after…after a lot of things it wasn't okay. But it's always okay in the end. I swear it."

He shrugged and I just hugged him closer. My poor best friend.

Sigmun eventually came home and I mouthed at him to make tea. He nodded and made tea and Simonn calmed down a bit before he left. The world isn't kind to him. I hope I can be.

14 July 1616

Today was Sigmun's twenty-first birthday. Dolora gave him a watch, a nice one she must've been saving money for for quite a while. It's a very nice pocket watch and he doesn't look like he did when we were little and he tried to look grown-up by borrowing Dolora's watch, which I think it would be mean to bring up now. (Not that I won't.) It's harder to keep presents secret what with us living in the same house, so I embroidered his coat while he wasn't looking under the guise of doing laundry and also bought him a book on great leaders in history and why they were successful. I might read it when he's done.

I really enjoy cooking with Dolora. There's something very cozy about working in the kitchen with my real mother when the house smells like bread and stew. I like even more cooking with the both of them, all warm and fun and sweet. When Dolora's out of the kitchen, if I'm standing by the stove he'll stand behind me and wrap his arms around my waist and rest his chin on my shoulder, or my head if he stands on tiptoe. It's very comforting.

The cake was delicious.

21 July 1616

That damn cold is back after letting up for a few days. I vomited this morning and again this afternoon, but at least I don't have a fever. I don't think.

Sigmun is concerned, but I told him not to worry. I don't remember who said it, but "this too shall pass."

23 July 1616

I revise my earlier assessment that "this too shall pass." I need to find one of those books from medical schools.

30 July 1616

There was a new girl at work today named Catherine. She seemed nice, if not the cleverest. She sat next to me and did Etta's old job and even though we didn't speak all that much, I felt like maybe she could be my friend.

1 August 1616

Isabella died today. Simonn was shaking all over again with sobs, he could barely carry her little coffin to the cemetery. Sigmun and Dolora and I went to his house after to take care of things, cooking and cleaning and all that. I hugged Simonn for a long, long time, just comforting him as best as I could. I'm going to go over there after work tomorrow to cook supper. I think I'll just do that this week, until they don't need me anymore.

Simonn said he's got an uncle (the one who's a bachelor) who's going to come here to help take care of things. He'll be here in a few weeks.

Sigmun's been red-eyed since the funeral and I've been crying, too. It's just so sad and it hurts how quickly lives end and I liked Isabella, even though I only met her a few times. I just…I think I'll miss her.

5 August 1616

The "cold" hasn't passed. I think I'm right. It's hard to tell for sure, but it seems likely I'm pregnant. The symptoms match the ones in every book I've checked and it would make sense. But I don't know if I should tell Sigmun, or Simonn, or my other friends yet. (I'm sure Dolora already knows.) The books say the first third (trimester, they call it) is the riskiest, and my best guess is that it's been a little less than two months. I might wait a little, in case I lose it.

The idea is terrifying. Miscarrying could really hurt and I want a baby. I want this baby. I better be careful with my bodice so I don't accidentally tie it too tight.

9 August 1616

Dolora asked me about it today. "Dianna dear, you've been sick a lot. Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm fine."

"Dear, I've known you since you were small enough to hug me around my knees."

"Well…" What did I have to lose? "I think I'm pregnant."

She smiled and hugged me. "That's wonderful, dear!"

I smiled back, a bit shaky.

"Do you not want the child?" Dolora asked. "There are herbs, dear-"

"No, I do. I just…I'm afraid to lose it."

She hugged me again and patted my back. "Don't worry, my dear. What happens, happens." She paused. "Have you told Sigmun?"

"No, not yet."

"Well, it's up to you. I won't tell anyone before you do."

"Mm-hmm."

"But I would advise telling him. It's good to have someone to help you out when it gets difficult."

I nodded. "I just don't want to disappoint everyone if something happens."

"Dear, you don't have to worry about disappointing others."

I shrugged. "I suppose."

"Well, don't forget to eat well and drink plenty of water. And you ought to tie your bodice looser, to be on the safe side."

"I will."

"Then I best start supper. Take things as slowly and easily as you can, alright, dear?"

"Alright."

Maybe I should tell Sigmun. He'd probably be kind about how unpleasant this it. Dolora says the second trimester is much better than the first, but then I'll start showing and there'll be talk again. I hate being talked about, but everyone gets talked about at some point around here. At least it's nice talk.

13 August 1616

I finally told him today. I don't know why I worked myself up so much for something I knew would go well.

"Sigmun?" I asked when it was after dinner and we were both reading in our room.

"Hm?"

"I need to tell you something."

"Sure," he said, putting down his book (the one I bought him).

"Well…you know I've been feeling ill."

"Yes…"

I bit my lip and then says all in a rush, "I think I'm pregnant."

"That's great!" He grinned and hugged me. "How far along?"

"I think about two months, but I'm not really sure. No longer than two months, certainly."

He kissed me then, all tenderness and soft touches, and I think I smiled as best as I could. I like touching him and I like when he touches me. I wonder if he likes touching me as much.

Anyways, I was about to unbutton his shirt when he pulled away, and so I made a face at him, and he said. "You sure this is safe?"

"Yes."

"Really, though. I wouldn't want to hurt you."

"Do you want to ask Dolora?"

He blushed at that and said, "No, do you?"

"The books all say it's alright. And it's been at least a month, we'd have noticed something by now."

"If you're sure."

"I am. Unless you don't want to?"

"I just don't want to hurt you."

"I'm fine. Promise."

"Then as long as you want to…"

"I do."

And that was that.

15 August 1616

Simonn's uncle arrived today. He's an ill-tempered sort, but I think perhaps he's grumpy from the traveling. Simonn says he got a lecture about how come he wasn't married yet, didn't he want to live on his own with his own family, and why hadn't he been doing hard work, you academic types, and so on. Simonn tried to defend himself (I mean, his parents and sister were ill, he had things to do!), but his uncle wouldn't listen. But Simonn says it's alright, at least there's another adult around. At least he's not going at it alone.

17 August 1616

Simonn knocked on Dolora's door today with a pack of his clothes and his copy of Principia and a few other odds and ends.

"My uncle kicked me out."

"What?" I asked. How could Simonn be kicked out of his own house?

"He said I had to get a job and support myself, I'm twenty-one years old gosh darn it!"

"Well, come in."

"Thanks."

"Here, let me take that. The guest room is upstairs."

"You sure Dolora's alright with this?"

"Of course. As long as you don't mind sharing a house with a twenty-four hour doctor and a married couple that includes a pregnant lady."

"What?"

I blushed. "Nothing."

"You're pregnant?"

I blushed harder. "Yes."

"Congrats, Deedee," he said with one of those crooked smiles of his. "Two months?"

"Pretty sure," I said. "No longer than that."

"Bet it'll be cure. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?"

"How could I?"

"Well, I don't know. I always knew if my siblings would be boys or girls. I was right for all of them, no matter what. Even Isabella."

"You're a psychic or something, I swear."

"I am not!"

"Never mind. I don't know if it'll be a boy or a girl. If you happen to, feel free to tell me."

"I will."

"Thanks."

I heard Simonn crying again, so I left a cup of tea outside to door in case he wanted it. I saw him washing the cup after supper, so I suppose he took it. I'm worried about him.

22 August 1616

Today was my twenty-first birthday. It was an alright day, I guess, but it was absolutely boiling out and I was just so tired. I can't decide if the exhaustion or the mood swings are worse. I think they make each other worse. I asked Dolora and she said the mood swings are normal, if unpleasant. She said-no one would ever guess-eating the right foods and drinking plenty of water and sleeping well are the best treatment. And I've been drinking boiled water to be safe. At least, Dolora's been insisting I drink boiled water. I swear she worries more than I do, and I'm the one who's going to be giving birth!

We all sat down for dinner, which doesn't always happen since Simonn has his siblings to talk with and walk to school and his uncle to argue with and work, and Sigmun has work and errands, and Dolora has herbs to find and garden to maintain and her work, and I have work and hunting and errands. Dolora made my favorite stew, which was very nice of her, even though I had some trouble stomaching it. Money is tight right now, because Sigmun's pay was cut, but Dolora sewed me clothes I'll be able to wear with a pregnant belly and Simonn gave me this woven little trinket he said was for luck, and Sigmun gave me an empty journal and a wink (my silly husband).

I realize I didn't note my last change of journal, in April 1615. But now I'm on my third journal. I ought to label them. And I forgot to write about the pictures! (Simonn draws one every November, of course.) I'm getting as bad as Simonn.

6 September 1616

Being pregnant is not at all fun. I suspected it wouldn't be, but this is just miserable. I'm always sick and tired and Sigmun's sweet about it, but I don't want to be any trouble. I remember thinking he'd be a loving husband once upon a time, and I suppose I was right.

13 September 1616

I was sick today and I had to stay home from work. I had a headache and a backache like usual and I was exhausted. I only vomited once, but I felt nauseous enough that I didn't want to risk Pamela's wrath. So I stayed home and started sewing a new cloak to replace my old one, which is getting old.

18 September 1616

At work today, Catherine and Susan and I were talking about our lives and Catherine mentioned men who harass her in the streets.

"I hate it. It's awful."

"I know," I agreed. "It happens to me all the time."

"But you've got your handsome man to protect you," Catherine teased.

"Catherine!" I protested.

"It's true. You're always walking around with him, and if you have someone with you, they usually leave you alone."

"It's as much for his protection as mine."

"Why?"

"He's…never mind."

"What could a man possibly be that would make people be like that him?"

"He's illegitimate."

"Wow. You must really love him." Catherine sounded fairly impressed.

"I do. Anyways, I don't see why it should matter if someone's parents are married or not. It's not exactly the child's choice."

Johanna joined the conversation. "What're you talking about?"

"My husband," I said.

"Oh, right. Him. Bit useless, isn't he? Who even wears the pants in your marriage?"

"I wear skirts usually, so I suppose he does."

She glared at me and said. "You really are as moronic as I thought."

"Well, we split the work and chores and everything, if that's what you meant."

"Hmph. When I'm married, you won't see me working here."

"I certainly hope so," I shot back. "With any luck you'll find someone willing to marry you soon."

"I'm surprised you found anyone to marry you. Everyone knows you were already pregnant when you got married."

"You know, I think I would've noticed that."

"Liar."

"It's pretty hard to miss being pregnant." Well, not entirely, but it's hard to miss it altogether.

Johanna rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "You're one to talk."

"Maybe I am. Either way, I have more important things to do. See you tomorrow," I said shortly. I know I'm not nice to her, but she just gets on my last nerve! I'm torn between wanting to keep the peace and the vindictive pleasure of watching her face when I say something like that.

I'm acting like a child, but so is she. I know I should be the bigger person like Dolora always said when we were little, but it is hard when the other person is such a pain.

24 September 1616

It's so nice, sleeping next to him. I love the sound of his heartbeat and I love how he plays with my hair sort of like he's not really thinking about it, like he just likes the feel of my hair. I like the texture of his skin and the gentle pressure of being pressed so close to him. Sometimes, one of his hands drifts to my chest and I really don't mind; it's quite nice, though it does make it a bit harder to fall asleep. Or sometimes I lie on my side and he lies behind me and he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close to him. Sometimes I can't sleep because I'm too warm and I have to disentangle myself from him, because he's a very heavy sleeper, and sprawl out on one side of the bed. Or at least take off the covers. Sometimes, when I've had a nightmare, I fall asleep like I used to, covering my face and curled up on my side. He asked me about it.

"Why do you sleep like that?"

"Like what?"

"All curled up, with your arms in front of you face, like you're defending yourself."

"Well…probably because, when I was really little, my mother would go to bed after me, and sometimes she'd drink just too much and…and burst into my room and I'd be asleep and she'd…she'd be all upset, calling me some name I'm not, and sometimes…she'd hit me. I slept to protect my face. I guess I never really stopped…you take up a lot of space when you sleep."

"You thrash around like you're going to accidentally slap me."

"You snore."

"You moan in your sleep."

"You moan when you're awake," I teased. He blushed.

"So do you."

"You have dreams about the future."

"I love you."

"I love you more."

He kissed me on the lips and said, "No, I love you more."

"You're silly."

"That's why you married me."

I laughed and kissed him again, because I love him so much and because I'm just happy with my life right now, something I plan never to give up.

The pregnancy symptoms have been letting up as of late, thank heaven.

8 October 1616

I woke up from a nightmare last night and his arms were around me and the nightmare was about being trapped in a birdcage while everyone I've ever known taunted me and I couldn't move, so, naturally, I panicked and started thrashing around like I do when I wake up from nightmares.

"What the hell?!" he shouted.

"Oh my goodness, oh my—"

"Dianna? Are you…okay?"

"What—what? I'm—I think I'm fine…"

"Sorry, but…what the hell was that?"

"I had a nightmare…about being trapped. In a birdcage. I woke up, and your arms were around me…"

"Jeez, I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. It was just…" I shook my head and then rested it on his chest again. "Oh, never mind."

"You sure?"

"Very." I closed my eyes and felt him rest one arm around me while I shoved my hair behind my ear again. Him holding me is such a contrast to being trapped that I wanted it, I wanted him to wrap his arms around me like he does.

"Goodnight, love," he said, all quiet like I was already asleep.

"Goodnight, darling."

12 October 1616

When we were reading after dinner, somehow we happened upon the subject of dreams and Sigmun mentioned one of his weird dreams.

"I had one of those dreams last night…"

"What was it?"

"I think they must be thousands of years in the future."

"What happened?"

"It was just…life. You and me, we lived in this house with all these strange boxes, one that kept things cool and one that heated things up, cooked them, and one that had moving pictures on it. And you didn't wear long skirts or a bodice or anything, you and I both wore trousers…and we had children, four of them, two daughters and two sons, and they went to school, it was the law that boys and girls had to go to school…You and I, we worked at university, as professors, and you wrote books in this lovely sun room…Mama lived just across town, and Simonn and Hannah lived together a couple streets over and Simonn worked at a university called North something, or maybe South something…It was so nice."

"That sounds lovely."

"It was. I wish it was real…children didn't die so often. Women and people with dark skin and illegitimate children had it a bit better. Not properly equal, but…a bit better."

"Better than nothing."

He sighed and flopped back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. I rested my head on his chest like I do, listening to his heartbeat.

"It's Sunday," I commented.

"Thank heaven," he said, absentmindedly stroking my hair. "I don't want to get up."

"That's a first." I grinned and kissed him on the cheek. He caught my face and kissed my lips with that passion I can't get enough of and I was glad I had nothing to do for once. All I had to do was lie there with my love and be happy.

17 October 1616

Today we were lying in bed after dinner with a book and I guess he'd had a long day, because he rested his head on my shoulder and he drifted off and his drooped to my chest.

"Sigmun. Sigmun?"

"Your chest is soft…"

I'm sure I gave him a strange look.

"Siggy?"

"Oh my gosh, did I say that out loud?"

"Yes, you very much did."

"I…jeez…" He blushed violently and he looked about ready to die. "I'm sorry. I just…you're very pretty. And soft. And…I'm screwing this up…"

"No, it's alright."

He blushed even harder and rested his head on my chest again. "Do you mind? Only, I'm really tired."

"Not at all." I threaded my fingers through his soft, lovely hair, and rubbed his back gently. "It's alright, my love. Everything's okay."

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"You seem stressed."

"I guess I am." He sighed and drooped further until he was like a rag doll. "It's just, my job and my coworkers and you all…"

"What?"

"I don't know…" He sounded half asleep as he relaxed against me. It's nice, the way he trusts me so completely.

"Get some sleep, my darling. Everything will be just fine in the morning."

He nodded and I moved him off my shoulder to lie down with his head on his pillow and he looks so nice when he sleeps, so calm and peaceful. He breathed slowly and quietly and he was lying on his back with his hands tucked under his chin like there's something he's forgotten he's not holding anymore. I wonder if Dolora made him a toy when he was younger that he used to hold.

I ought to go the bed soon. When I sleep next to him, he moves his arms to wrap around me like he's worried about losing me, and he sometimes nuzzles his face in my hair and sometimes I wake up with his arms completely wrapped around me and his face right next to my own. I like a lot of things about being married, and not sleeping alone is certainly one of them.

21 October 1616

Sigmun woke me up at some late hour and he had the strangest nightmare.

"Dianna?"

"Hm?"

"You awake?"

"I am now."

"…I had a nightmare."

"Want to talk about it?"

"I…jeez. I dreamed…d'you remember the ten plagues?"

"From the Bible? I do."

"I dreamed about them happening here. I dreamed about locusts and darkness and then it was the first sons and Simonn and I died and…we had a baby, and he was a boy, and he died too…It was hell on Earth."

"Oh, darling, that sounds awful. But it's not real. That's not going to happen. Don't worry."

"Thanks, love."

"Any time." I kissed him as tenderly as I could manage and hugged him as two little sobs escaped him. "If we have a baby boy, we'll take care of him," I added. "He'll be just fine."

"Thanks, Dianna. I love you."

"I love you, too."

We fell back asleep, arms still around each other. I still love resting my head on his chest and hearing that steady, calm heartbeat.

26 October 1616

David was irritating me again at work.

"Want to go for a drink?"

"No thanks."

"Are you sure?"

"Very much so."

"Oh, come on, you know you can't resist me."

"I'm married!" I snapped.

"Marriage is flexible."

"I don't want to go for a drink with you!"

"Why not?"

"Because you're irritating and harassing me!"

"Harassing? Someone's a bit sensitive."

"No, I'm not. Please leave me alone."

"C'mon, sugar—" he started. He was interrupted by my love coming in to meet me. He usually meets me at work once a week for errands, and this was one of those days.

"Hi, love," he said, taking my hand. "Shall we go?"

"Let's," I said. We ran errands for a bit, like always, and I hope David won't bother me after this.

28 October 1616

I guess Sigmun could tell I'd had a bad night because this morning he woke me up and said, "Are those diamonds real?"

"You should know, you bought them for me."

"No, I was talking about the ones in your eyes."

I laughed and said, "Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Wake me up with one of those lines. We're already married."

"To cheer you up. And you laugh at them, and that cheers up my morning, too."

"Thanks, love."

"You're welcome. Now come on, it's a lovely day."

"No it's not."

"It is!"

"It's raining."

"Rain is lovely, too."

"I don't care." My pregnancy has made it even harder to get out of bed in the mornings. I don't know if it's just because I hate getting up and Dolora says being pregnant makes irritating things more irritating, or if it's because apparently being pregnant makes you really damn tired sometimes.

31 October 1616

My first All Hallow's as a "respectable married woman". Usually there's a group of women who stand together because they're too pregnant to dance and I was torn between being careful and dancing with my friends. But then Sigmun took my hands and spun me around and really, I love dancing at the festivals. It wasn't quite as easy as it used to be, feet and arms moving right in time to the fiddler's music, but fantastically fun nonetheless. Simonn didn't trip once, or step on my feet, when I danced with him, which considering how tall her is and how short I am is quite impressive.

Catherine was there, too, and she said our village did festivals well. She danced with some of the unmarried men and I think she does want to find a husband. Or at least would rather have one than not. There are certainly advantages to being married! (Most of which I would never bring up in public, but still.)

Sigmun and I danced long enough for my feet to get sore and then we stood to the side of the dancing and watched the other dancers swirl in time to the music. It's beautiful, watching other people dance. Like some huge clockworks, each person having a place and a part in the swirling machine. Except it seems to me that a person can choose what part they are.

Though I do believe these is value in choosing the be the face of the clock, it can be very comforting to shrink back and just be another gear in the clock, watching the pendulum swing.