1 September 1617
Dolora's been fretting over me and I tell her I'm fine (which is only partially a lie because physically I feel pretty awful) but she just keeps worrying. On the other hand, she's the midwife, so it's her job. At least she'll be there when I give birth to my child. I think it'll be soon; I think it's been about nine months. I've never been more anxious and excited in my life. I'm afraid it will hurt a lot (I know it will hurt a lot) and I keep dreading that my baby will die or I'll die or something else bad will happen or my baby will only survive a few months or they'll be born sick or something like that. I'm afraid and I'm excited and…goodness. I need to calm down and get some sleep. I'm tired anyways.
2 September 1617
I'm sure my child will be coming soon. I can feel it. Today was fairly miserable and I can tell Dolora's getting properly worried. I almost didn't write at all yesterday because I felt so awful. Also, I keep getting those annoying little not-actually-childbirth pangs and I wish they'd stop because it only serves to make me nervous.
Oh, that one was worse than the rest. I'd double over if I were able to.
Wait—it's been nine months. Almost exactly, I think. And that one was even worse!
It's rather late, but I've got to get Dolora. I think my baby's coming.
3 September
I'm exhausted.
It hurt a good deal more than I thought it would, and I thought it would hurt a lot. It was, quite honestly, worse than the worst pain I could imagine. I'd rather not go into detail. I just don't have the energy. It really started around eleven or midnight on the second and my little Luke was born early in the morning today. I remember Sigmun sitting next to me after Dolora let him back in (I was lying in bed by then) and stroking my hair and whispering to me how I was incredible and our child was fine. A minute later, just as I started to drift off, Dolora came in and said, "I checked him and swaddled him and he's perfectly healthy. Congratulations." She handed me my baby and I started crying again because he was alive and healthy (I'm so glad Dolora knows how to make sure an infant is healthy because that is one of the scariest things I can imagine) and…it was just overwhelming.
"Luke?" Sigmun asked.
"Luke," I agreed. "Luke Vantas."
Dolora grinned and left the room. I'm sure she was tired, too. I rocked Luke a little and he woke up and started crying. My heart just melted and I hugged him close to my chest. He was crying, so I supposed he was hungry, so I undid the top few buttons of my shirt and held him close to me and he started suckling so I guess that was right. He stopped crying and I held him close again. I was so tired, though, that I started yawning and I just fell asleep, I couldn't stop it. I felt Sigmun take Luke and hold him so my little one was close enough for me to know he was there, they both were, but I could fall asleep without worrying about hurting him in my sleep (considering my nightmares). I could feel that I had that sleepy sort of smile on my face and I rested one hand on his arm and I drifted off and slept the rest of the day and night. When I woke up, Sigmun was still holding Luke and sitting by me and holding my hand, except he must've left, because there were two bowls on the table by my bed, one empty and one full. I sat up and I was going to go downstairs, but Sigmun told me to sit down and he passed me a bowl of soup and I ate the whole thing in just a few minutes because I was starving.
"He's still fine, Dianna. Before you can ask."
"Hungry?"
"…I…I don't know. Probably? He's been crying on and off…"
"Alright." I tugged down my shirt and started nursing him again and he was just so sweet. My love for my baby is huger than anything I've ever felt before and my heart melts to a puddle every time I see him.
It's late by now and I ought to get some sleep, because I'm sure I won't be getting much for a while. He barely stops crying for more than an hour or two and we take turns taking care of him, except that of course I'm the only one that can feed him.
I suppose I may not be writing for a couple days, because of my baby. I'm certainly not going to work! I don't think I could sew while also caring for my little one. I wish I could; I probably make the most of anyone besides Dolora.
4 September 1617
My baby was christened today, but I was much too tired to go (Dolora said recovery usually takes a little while). Dolora carried him over to the church and said the three godparents were Simonn, Sigmun, and her. Apparently he didn't cry much.
Sigmun almost cried once they were home, because he wasn't baptized (he asked the the priest when we were children), and said he was just glad.
I can't write any more. I have to feed Luke again.
7 September 1617
It's been four days and I've hardly slept more than three hours at a time because my little one keeps waking up crying. Sigmun takes care of it if he can, but he's still at work during the day and he can't feed a child. But I've remembered some lullabies from when I was a child, and I sing them to my baby while I rock him back and forth. There's the French one about someone's brother Jacques, and the one about stars, and the one about sheep. Dolora knows more. She helps out when she's not busy and I'm so glad she's around.
My little Luke is asleep right now and I'm sure he'll wake up in a few minutes and want milk or something. Every time I put him to bed, I tell him I love him and his father loves him and his grandmother and uncle love him and he will always be loved. I also tell him I'd never hurt him, no one in our family will ever hurt him. I don't want him to have my childhood. I will never let him believe that he is unloved and I will make sure he knows that I will never hurt him or leave him behind or anything awful like that. My baby will grow up loved and cared for.
10 September 1617
I've been taking willow a lot recently because every part of me is sore and worn out. Besides the expected, my arms and neck are also sore. Go figure. Dolora says that's normal, along with the bleeding (like the monthly bleeding but obviously not the same cause) and the worsening pain in my chest. Why is childbirth so painful? As a general rule, most species prefer to reproduce, so why do being pregnant and giving birth hurt so damn much?
I wish I'd been pregnant in winter. Ice and snow always help pain and swelling like right now.
29 September 1617
I haven't written much because my baby constantly needs my care. Everyone's been working more because now there are five people to feed and three people working, so I end up doing all the housework. I don't mind; I'll do what I can if I can't work. But I am always busy and I can't wait until my baby's at least old enough to sit on the floor and play while I cook. But he's too young to hold up his own head, so I have to keep him in this little bassinet I can set on kitchen counters or hold him myself.
He's very sweet when he's not crying.
3 October 1617
One whole month. I'd write more but he's crying right now.
13 October 1617
My baby's just so precious. Maybe I'm acting like a ridiculous new mother, but he's just the sweetest little baby. He has this wispy blond hair and hazel eyes, and when he giggles it's the most endearing sound. He likes the play with my hair, I think, and we have a few toys he likes to play with, too. Well, he's not terribly motile, but there's a mobile that hangs over his cradle and a few stuffed toys Dolora sewed he likes to…well, try to hold at any rate. And he stares when someone's talking around him, like he knows this is supposed to mean something. It's so precious watching him copy our faces, and try to reach for the mobile sometimes.
He still does cry a lot and I don't think I've gotten more than three hours of sleep consecutively in the past month, but the lullabies work every time (even if it takes some time). I think some of the not-crying noises he makes are trying to copy the songs.
17 October 1617
I'm sure I look at our baby like he's the sun in the sky (to me he is) but Sigmun does too. He holds our little Luke like he's the most precious thing in the world. While I am not fond of staying home all day, even if I always am busy, I love having all this time to be near my baby. The thought of leaving him with someone else, even for an hour, makes me feel that horrible anxious feeling that's somewhere between dread and nervousness. I mean, I trust my husband of all people to care for our baby! It's really just this feeling in my gut I wish I could stop but I can't.
I didn't think it was possible to love so much. I hardly thought it possible to love my family as much as I do, and now there's a whole new family member whose smile makes my chest hurt.
I know it's dangerous giving him a name and getting attached, but I can't help it.
20 October 1617
We finally got a few minutes of rest last night and we were lying in bed and Sigmun started kissing me all over my face and he said, "Do you want to?"
I did, but I can't. "My love, we can't."
"We can't?"
"I'm still nursing Luke."
"Right." He kissed me one more time and said, "I love you so much."
"I love you too."
I got a whole three and a half hours asleep before he needed to be fed. Someday I'll get more.
3 November 1617
Two months old. I'm glad things are going alright so far. I guess not living in the house has protected him from some of the worst diseases.
6 November 1617
He has a fascination with some of the more harmless kitchen utensils, which is handy because he can play with them while I cook. It's good he can't crawl yet because he puts absolutely everything he can get his hands on in his mouth and to be frank it's terrifying.
I got four hours of sleep last night and I think my body is starting to adjust to getting little sleep. I love my baby more than I could express, but I'll be so glad once he sleeps through the night.
18 November 1617
I'm sure I've said it before, but Sigmun's dreams just keep getting stranger.
"My love?"
"Hm?" It was early, and I'd only fallen asleep again two hours ago. Articulate speech doesn't combine well with those two factors.
"I had the strangest dream."
"One of the future ones?" I think I asked.
He nodded. "It was long, but the only thing I remember was that you were buying razors."
"Huh?" I was sure I'd misheard him. "I was shopping for you?"
"No, you were buying razors for yourself."
"Why, did I have a beard?"
"No. I don't remember why. Any idea?"
I thought, then shrugged. "None.
"Strange. Not to mention that there was chocolate everywhere."
My mouth watered. "That sounds delicious."
"It was."
Then he sighed and sat up. "Well, I'm off to work. Love you."
"I'll finish patching the quilt. Love you too."
It's a little lonely in the house, all day, with just my baby. I like being around my work friends, even Johanna and Pamela.
30 November 1617
A full five hours of sleep. How wonderful.
My baby smiles at me sometimes, not always but certainly when I play with him or when I talk to him. He can actually get a hold on some of his toys now and it's very cute watching his fascination with the rattle. And he's starting to babble, as if he's trying to speak. It's absolutely precious.
He smiles at Sigmun and Simonn and Dolora, too, and they all play with him when they have time. It's sweet watching Sigmun playing with Luke, and it's clear he's going to be a wonderful father.
3 December 1617
Three months old. My beautiful baby boy is three months old.
I promised myself I wouldn't write about our ever-present financial troubles in this journal, but it's getting bad. We've been eating less and less and they all insist I should eat more because if I don't eat little Luke won't, but I say they should eat more because they're making money. If I could go out to hunt it would help, but as it is I'm never sure when my baby will need my attention.
14 December 1617
I left my baby with Dolora today and went hunting and I really am glad because then Dolora and I could make a nice, thick stew and preserve the rest of the meat and we could all eat a good meal for once. It was a bit of strain off our finances.
I guess it's not a crime to leave my little Luke with someone else for a few hours. Maybe next time I'll just sleep.
25 December 1617
Happy Christmas! Since our finances have been bad, each three of us put our heads together to get a gift for the other one. (Luke is much too young to care that he's not getting anything besides heaps of affection so we figured he'd be alright.) Simonn got a pair of very nice wool socks, one red and one blue (his favorite colors), Dolora three lovely glass jars, Sigmun a new pair of boots, and I a lovely hair ribbon.
Our Christmas meal was small, but my hunting trips have helped and it was delicious. Luke seemed to like it; he smiled the whole time and babbled quite a bit and I think he tried to laugh. It was adorable.
31 December 1617
It's hard to believe it's been almost four months since my baby boy was born. I hope this time next year my baby is a year and four months and maybe money is a bit more stable.