"What did your family think of me?" Wade asks.
Harry and Peter both laugh.
"What's that laugh for?" Wade asks them, half-annoyed and half-amused.
"Do you want to go first or should I?" Peter asks.
"You first, babe."
"Well, the first time Aunt May met you she thought that you were a sex-crazed psycho with a douche bag complex."
Wade laughs.
"Why did she think that?" Harry asks.
"You'll never believe this, but..."
"Aunt May, where are you?" Peter asks.
"I'm in the kitchen dear." She responds. Peter walks to the kitchen.
"Hey, Aunt May." He greets hugging her.
"What's wrong?"
"I feel like tonight was another failed between Harry and I."
"What happened?"
"I don't know. I mean, I got to his party and he introduced me to his colleagues, who bombarded me with tons of questions that I should've known the answers to, but I stood there like a tool for some dumb reason. After that, the lunch you and I had tonight with Harry...ugh it's so frustrating."
"Could Harry be your King?"
"I don't know. I'm afraid to go out with him and make a fool out of myself, again."
"So what are you going to do?" She asks him as the doorbell rings.
"I've got that all figured out." Peter says proudly as he makes his way to the front door.
"Pete!" What's up with you?"
"I'm doing great. Come on. I want you to meet me aunt." He says as he leads the way to the kitchen.
"Yes, I finally get to meet the old, withered bag!" Wade says loudly.
"Don't talk about her that way!" Peter snaps.
Aunt May picks up her wooden stick.
"Aunt May, this is Wade." He says. "Wade, the best woman on earth, Aunt May."
"It's nice to- Oww!" He yelps.
Peter laughs.
"What was that for?"
"Don't ever call her a 'withered old bag', got it? You're lucky she only whacked you on your forehead."
"It's nice to meet you too, Wade." She greets, faking a smile.
"Pete, can I use your restroom? I hope I don't bruise."
"Second door on the left."
"Thanks." He says growing towards the bathroom.
"Where did you meet that douche bag?"
"From MJ. What do you think of him?"
"Are you sure he's not a sex-crazed psycho at all? Because he looks like he's been around the block if you ask me."
"From what MJ's told me, he was arrested at a Greyhound terminal a couple months ago for having sex with the conductor in front of a couple of kids."
"I bet you he paid that poor conductor." She says sympathetically.
"I wouldn't doubt that at all." Peter concurs.
"Why did you bring him over here?" She asks irritably.
"Because I think he'll have a better time dating Harry. I mean-"
"Now why on earth would you do that?" A surprised Aunt May says.
"Well..." Peter starts, but he has no idea what to say. So he makes a few things up. "They are outspoken, loud, adventurous, creative, have the best stories."
"But-"
"I think that I'm making the best decision here."
"Best decision about what, Pete?"
"I think that you should go out with Harry tomorrow night?"
"Me? Go out on a date with Ha- why would I do that? I know that he's crazy, head over heels in love with you and you're just as crazy in love with him. If I were to go out with him that would make me a- a-"
"A backstabbing, sex-crazed, psychotic, douche bag of a slut?" Aunt May offers nonchalantly.
"No." Wade says with a smile.
"Then please go. For me." Peter begs him.
Wade thinks for a moment.
"Please." Peter begs.
"Well...since you put it that way, I'll go. But only as a favor to you, my friend."
"Thank you." Pete says happily.
"Oh Peter." Aunt May groans.
"Well, I better go get something decent to wear and all that jazz. Catch ya later Parkers." Wade says as he heads for the door.
"Can you believe that backstabbing, slut?" Peter asks his aunt. "I hope he doesn't sleep with Harry." He says sporting a pout.
She sighs.
"Shit! You have a way with bad first impressions." Harry says through a fit of giggles. "You should have 'slut' embroidered on your underwear like Norman said.
"Your father too?"
"Yup. It's your own fault that you..."
"Why the fuck did you invite this little piece of shit into this house, boy?" Norman sneers.
"Because he's my friend, Norman."
"Of all the friends you've actually invited over to this house, I was actually proud that you had enough common sense to invite Peter over "X" amount of years ago. I was so happy that he came over tonight and that happiness went down the drain when you invited Wade over so that I can meet him tonight. What kind of idiot would want to invite someone like that?"
"I-"
"And to top it off, he tried getting in my pants and Bernard's pants right after her got into Tony's, Liz's and Steve's pants in my bed!
"He what?" Harry asks.
"He should really consider getting the word 'slut' on his underwear. Better yet, he should have a tattoo that says 'man-whore' on his forehead. He's fucking lucky I didn't rub the cum-stained sheets in his face. Goddamn ass hole couldn't even clean up his own mess. I hope his prostate falls out one day." Norman sneers as he turns away from Harry's face.
"I-"
"Look at that! Now he's trying to get into Peter's pants." Norman tells him.
"What?!" Harry says trying to keep his anger at bay.
"See!" He says turning Harry's head to the scene. "He's taking what you're listing after. At least I can give him this: he has enough balls to get what he wants, even if Peter wants your dumb ass. I swear, I don't even know why I bother with you. Congrats on barely graduating high school, Harry." Norman says as he walks away from Harry.
"Fuck!" Harry says to himself.
"Damn, I didn't realize I was that bad." Wade says. "Oh well." That doesn't bother me at all. Maybe I should've slept with your dad first before I made my party rounds." Wade says with a huge smile on his face. "I've always had a thing for hot milfs and dilfs." He says groping himself. "You got any lube nearby or do I have to use my own spit?"
"Let's move on." Peter says.