1 January 1618

If I ever get more than five hours of sleep in one night again it will be a miracle and I might actually feel well-rested for once. It's not anyone's fault, certainly not my baby's, but it's been months since I've slept well and I want a rest. A nice hot bath would be nice, especially considering the way my back's been aching. But that's alright. I'll live.

We've been hungry a lot lately. I need to go hunting to get more food for us. Our preserves won't last forever and with only three working, we need the food.

3 January 1618

Four months old. He's adorable and smiling and his baby babble is so sweet to listen to. I know my family loves him as much as I do. Sigmun cradles him the way I do, with this look in his eyes of adoration and love, whenever he has the chance. Dolora does, too, and she also also likes to play peekaboo with him while I sleep, which is usually when she gets home before Sigmun and Simonn and I fall asleep on the couch. I just can't stop myself from sleeping when I have the chance.

I think it's adorable the way my baby laughs when we play peekaboo with him. Sigmun's a very good father when it comes to playing with little Luke. Luke really likes the rattle, too, and it's sweet watching him follow it with his eyes and laugh at the sound. I'm just glad I have my family to help me because there really our days when I can't stay awake.

13 January 1618

After several successful hunting trips, we have enough meat preserved to last a few weeks so I can catch up on patching up the coats and darning the socks. I'm glad I can eat enough because I hate the idea of my baby going hungry and I hate the idea of my family going hungry. At least I'll be able to work as soon as my baby's old enough to be weaned.

Last night I was so tired I fell asleep at eight and when I woke up, Sigmun was curled up behind to me with his arm around my middle and his face in my hair and I would've been happy to stay there forever, but my baby was crying and I had to take care of him.

30 January 1618

More hunting. Since my baby can go longer without my care these days, I can spend longer hunting and find more food. We've been eating a bit better lately, which is good. I really don't want to starve.

I was cooking today and my baby was playing with his stuffed bear, sort of, and reaching for his mobile. He likes when I put him by the window, and I'd take him outside if it wasn't so cold.

3 February 1618

Five months. He's really trying to talk, I can tell, and I can usually figure out what he wants, if only because there's only so many things a five-month-old can want. And it's easier to handle things now that he can really hold and play with his toys for long enough for me to get just about half an hour of rest, which is just enough. Dolora says he should be crawling soon because he's been fairly mobile recently.

Between how long he's been sleeping and his ability to play more while I do chores, I've been feeling a bit better lately. I got seven hours of sleep last night and while I am still floating in a cloud of exhaustion sometimes, I'm also feeling just good enough to feel normal again.

20 February 1618

I woke up today with that horrible feeling when you just know you've started your bleeding and you have to wash the sheets and all that and I just stared at the ceiling and said, "Well, hell."

"What is it?" Sigmun asked.

"I'm bleeding."

"Bleeding? Are you alright? I'll go get Mama! What happened?"

"No, no, I'm fine. It's just my bleeding like most months."

"What on Earth?!"

"Didn't Dolora explain this to you? Just about every woman gets her bleeding once a month! It's painful and irritating but nothing to worry about."

He thought, then said, "I do remember that…is it bad?"

"It's horrible. But I live with it. I should take care of Luke," I said, swinging my legs out of bed and going to take care of my squalling baby. He mostly cries for a reason nowadays, so I can most always fix whatever it is.

3 March 1618

Six months. He's getting so big! We took down his mobile because Dolora said it's dangerous if he can reach it and get tangled up in it. He's so darling, trying his hardest to talk and crawl. People in the village say babies shouldn't crawl, but to be quite frank I trust Dolora more and she's of the opinion that it's fine as long as he learns to walk around a year or so. He's also got sort of hazel eyes, not quite my color and not quite Sigmun's. His hair is getting a little thicker, less wispy, but still very blond like mine when I was little (according to my mother).

With plants starting to bloom green, our food situation should be getting even better, which is good because Luke will be eating solid food before long. And by then I'll be back at work and I make more than Sigmun so things should be better financially, too. I certainly hope so.

6 March 1618

I realized how happy I am today. I'm tired often and my chest still hurts some days and sometimes he cries and I can't figure out why and I haven't had time to spend time with my family the way we used to but really, I'm happy. I'm married happily, I have my real mother and my best friends and my beautiful baby boy, I have friends in the village, I can read and write and learn, I can hunt and swim and go for walks, I can sew and cook and knit, and I am happy.

18 March 1618

My baby is really starting to appreciate it when I play with him and it's so precious when he laughs when we play peekaboo. And while he's only really got a handle on saying syllables, I have the feeling he's starting to figure out that when we talk to him we're saying things he can say and understand, too. Sigmun always tells him stories before bed and so he's really hearing lots of words, he just has to say them. He's also trying his hardest to crawl and I can tell he's so sure he can but he can't quite get it right. He can move a little by sort of scooting around, but he's not mobile enough yet for it to be scary. I worry for the day he starts crawling. I'll have to put all the candles out of reach, and anything sharp or small enough to choke on.

With spring coming, Simonn's been getting more work and more pay, but he also needs to eat more. I don't think I've ever really eaten until I was full outside of holidays, but my stomach protests more often these days. I wish I had enough to eat. I wish my baby had enough to eat.

26 March 1618

Sundays are my absolute favorite day of the week. Everyone's home and we all rest in the library and play with little Luke and read. Today I was drowsy like I always am so I dozed on the couch while Sigmun and Dolora played with Luke and Simonn read. Simonn kept looking at Luke like he wanted to play with him, too, and in the end when Dolora left (because people don't take Sunday off when they're sick), Simonn played with Luke too. It felt so nice to sit with my husband and my best friend and play with my baby, like we didn't have a care in the world.

He loves playing patty cake, even if it's hard for him. And peekaboo makes him giggle the most endearingly. And Sigmun found bouncing him on his knee evokes quite a lot of laughter. Dolora told us to start getting him used to food, even if he won't be weaned for a while. So we took turns having him sip some thin broth from a spoon and it took some doing, but he ate some of it. He's developed a habit of throwing spoons, which mightn't be such a problem except that Sigmun and I laughing at it probably isn't helping.

Simonn's been quite a help, considering all his siblings. He knows how to get children to eat. And he took care of Luke for a little while, while Sigmun cooked and I napped. I'm glad he's been sleeping more, too. Nowadays I can cook and mend and clean without feeling half-asleep all the time.

3 April 1618

Seven months old. I can't believe it. He's bigger than that stuffed bear he loves so much. They say once you get to a year everything gets easier, and five years just about means safe. So once we're to a year hopefully some of my worry will ease up. Every time he coughs or sneezes (his sneezes are so cute unless they're mucus-y) I worry he has croup or consumption. Every time he refuses to eat I worry it's a fever. I know it's ridiculous, he's not exposed to diseases in the village (I trust Dolora's explanation of disease), but still I worry.

16 April 1618

Simonn had one of his nightmares again last night. I was awake because Luke was so I went downstairs with my baby in my arms and I saw Simonn trying to make tea again. He was doing better than usual for his nightmares and he looked panicked. He almost jumped out of his skin when he saw me.

"Why're you here? Why's he with you?"

"Luke woke me up and I heard you so I thought I'd come down and see if you needed anything. He's just being too fussy to go back to sleep just yet."

"Oh."

"Future-nightmare?" I asked.

He nodded and threaded his fingers through his hair. "It's the same one!"

"Pardon?"

"I've had this one before. I know it! I was blind, and there were shackles on my wrists and ankles, and cold hands, and blood, and everyone was screaming, you and me and Sigmun and Dolora and Neolla and-and Hannah…" His voice caught. "And then Sigmun screamed so loud it woke me up."

I had the strangest feeling he'd told me about a similar dream before. "I think you told me about something like this."

"I think so. It was all so unfair, and I was so angry…I've never been more angry in my life than I have in that dream! I don't even know what's happening, I can never see…I don't even know when!"

"Simonn, don't worry. It's alright. There's no reason anything like that should happen any time soon. If it does happen, it'll be in a long time, alright?"

"I can't just not worry!"

"Of course not. But I'm telling you, there's no reason it should happen. Not for a long time."

"I suppose."

Luke decided to start wailing again so I held him closer and tried to sing him to sleep, but he wouldn't.

"I should go change him. You going to be alright?"

"I'll live."

"But will you be okay?"

He sighed. "I think I will be."

"Then see you tomorrow morning."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

I hope he's alright. I really am sure he had that nightmare before, but my memory's been on the blink with this lack of sleep.

30 April 1618

Today I finally felt like myself again. Except not going to work. But I woke up like usual, cooked breakfast, took care of my baby, did all the chores, had enough time to play with my baby (Dolora says it's important for his development), and got to sleep at a reasonable hour. I even had some time to spend with Sigmun, even if I am still nursing Luke. (I wouldn't dare ask Dolora if the superstition about sleeping with someone while nursing is true or not. It'd be too embarrassing.)

I'm still tired, and my little Luke wakes me up whenever he feels the need to, but I feel like myself again and if that's not improvement I don't know what is.