1 December 1620
I've been getting better steadily since Luke but I felt that awful feeling again today, so sad I think I might never be happy again. It's not even sad, sometimes, so much as cold and numb. I can't really tell. It's just hard to wake up and go through the motions of life. I rely heavily on my family these days, and they're there for me. But I don't want to be such a wreck. I shouldn't be so upset about this! I mean, I want children and I can't have children but I don't think I should be so torn up about it. Or maybe I should, I don't know. I'm terrible at knowing how I should feel.
3 December 1620
I didn't even realize Advent had started. It's easy to forget holidays at times like this, or when I'm feeling like this. Happy Advent.
5 December 1620
Dolora and I were sitting at the table drinking tea when she said, "Dianna dear, I've been thinking on what you said to me, about the people in the village thinking I gave birth to Sigmun."
"Yes?" I said.
"I assume you know what they say about you."
"Of course I do."
"That you have no children because you slept with Sigmun before you were married?"
"I know. Believe me."
"Why don't you tell them otherwise yourself?"
"They'd never believe me. Just because I know I didn't doesn't mean everyone else doesn't. And they're wrong, I know that. I'm not cursed because of that." If I flat-out told her I think I am cursed she'd try to convince me otherwise so I didn't.
"So you understand."
"But they might believe you!"
"No more than you, dear."
"I suppose…"
"People believe what they want to believe. They always will." She sighed, heavier than she'd normally let me hear, and sat at the table with me. "It's alright, dear. There are always people who listen."
"I know."
"I know you do, Dianna dear. I ought to start supper."
"I'll work on the mending."
"Very good, dear," she said, kissing my forehead like I was a child again.
I suppose she's right. I've never bothered really denying rumors about me because I know no one would listen, or care. I just hope someday I'll find someone outside my family who doesn't think I'm cursed.
24 December 1620
I've been terrible about writing throughout Advent! Normally I write when I feel so emptied-out inside like this but I haven't really had the will to write. But I've been feeling a little better lately, and I think I've made some peace with the children I never had. So I'm determined to at least try to enjoy myself this Christmas. I missed All Hallows' and All Saints' this year so I hope I can go to Christmas.
25 December 1620
Christmas was actually fun this year. Simonn had time off, finally, so we all dressed up and went to the village for the festival. I feel like I haven't seen Simonn in months. I miss him sometimes. He's my best friend.
Anyways, we went to the village and the square was icy but Mrs. Jacobson and Mr. Topham were playing fiddle and everyone was dancing. I'm glad we're not Puritans-the ones who went to the New World. They don't dance at all! I don't remember why-it probably leads to "lewd behavior" or something of the sort, like Patrik says (he refuses to dance). I didn't feel…not the way I usually do at festivals, not that bubbling joy I used to feel. I felt happy, I think. But not like I used to. Sometimes I'm scared I'll never feel the way I used to again.
So I just did my best to be happy. I don't think I have to be happy all the time; just sometimes. But I do like it when I'm happy.
Anyways, I danced until my feet hurt and then sat with my friends and watched other people dancing. Sometimes watching the dancing I miss Etta. I hope she's happy at her home. I hope her mother's doing alright. I also saw Edward looking at Catherine, and Catherine decidedly looking away. I think she had feelings for him, even though they won't be married.
We went home for dinner and it was delicious. With everyone working, we had plenty to make a delicious dinner, all the fixings-turkey, stuffing, potatoes, green beans, cranberry sauce, and of course a pudding. I had that tea Dolora has me drink, with St. John's wort. (She says it's good for the sadness and the emptiness.) I ate until I was full and of course we exchanged gifts. Part of me wishes we did this on Boxing Day like everyone else, but part of me likes having our own traditions in my family.
Since we still don't have much money, after the dinner, each person got one gift, like we do. We got Sigmun a new book on the New World, with pictures this time. Simonn got a new bunch of magnets, better ones. Dolora got the best herbs we could get Rose to bring in secret and then a book Rose has already wrapped before we got it. (Dolora blushed terribly when she opened it. I can only imagine.) And my family got me a book in German-it was even a sweet romance. I don't know how they knew. They don't speak German. The only other person I know who does is Patrik.
I missed Luke so much today. I almost always miss him but today I remembered his first Christmas, when we could hardly afford our dinner but we were all so happy. We were happy, once upon a time. I think we were happy, or maybe I dream we were. I've always had a family in them and I've always loved them but I'm not always sure we were happy, or if I imagine that.
My love tells me we were happy. My best friend and my mother-in-law tell me we were happy. If I can't trust them, who can I trust?
30 December 1620
I should think of some New Year's resolutions. I can't think of any besides perhaps be less sad, but I can't do much about that. I drink the tea Dolora gives me and sometimes I pray and sometimes I cry when the mood strikes, but there's not much I can do to lift the heavy weight of sadness off my shoulders.
31 December 1620
I've come up with a few, and I hope they're good ones.
Try to be happier
Talk with my family more
Keep up with my journal
Read more
1 January 1621
This is the second year without my baby. I don't know how I'm going to keep doing this. Whenever I think about him it's like someone stabbed me in the heart, and though sometimes remembering him with my family makes me feel better because I know others cared about him, sometimes I can barely stand to think about him because it hurts so much.
Sometimes Sigmun and I remember together, and sometimes Simonn and I remember together, and sometimes Dolora and I remember together, and sometimes we all remember together. But sometimes all I can manage to do is cry.
8 January 1621
I think Catherine's up to something. Heaven only knows what, but something.
I talked with Neolla and Mariek again today and they seem happy. I can't really tell if they're together but they seem it. They should be together, anyways. I think they're good for each other. They seem to care about each other a lot, and I think that's important. I mean, I care about Sigmun. I love him! I think Neolla and Mariek love each other. It's hard to tell, because they love differently, but I think as long as they love each other, everything will work out.
14 January 1621
I had the most terrible nightmare last night. I dreamed that I lost my baby again, except this time it was worse because I killed him. I don't know what happened but in the dream I knew I had killed my baby. I knew that my family hated me for it and I was alone and afraid and I woke up with my breath caught in my throat like I was going to cry. I didn't want to wake up Sigmun so I just hugged him closer and tried to fall back asleep to his steady heartbeat. As long as his heart is beating, I know he's there.
18 January 1621
I wish my monthly bleeding would go away. It's supposed to be linked with childbearing and I can't bear any children.
I'm thinking of it because I woke up this morning and I could tell my bleeding was going to start soon. So I rolled over to face where Sigmun shaves in the morning and said, "You know what's terrible?"
"What?"
"Owning a womb."
"I'll take your word for it, love."
"Do. And if you don't mind, could you get me some of Dolora's pain medicine? It's in the blue jar."
"Sure, love." He kissed me and went downstairs. He always gets up early and by the time I'm awake, he's done shaving. I think he's better-looking with a little bit of a beard, but his hair grows fast (when we were children Dolora had to cut his hair at least once a month) so by dinner he usually has a handsome scruffy beard.
Someone once told me-it might've even been Elizabeth or Mary, maybe Jean-that you can tell you love someone if you still think they look good after a haircut. I imagine that means I do love Sigmun. He looks good even when he gets his hair cut.
25 January 1621
I went downstairs last night and found Simonn sitting at the table with his tea like he does. I didn't say anything; I made my own cup of tea and sat in my usual seat. (I sit with Sigmun on my left, Simonn on my right, and across from Dolora.)
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"I'm sitting with you."
"Why?"
"I care about you."
"I just had a nightmare. Go back to bed."
"I've had nightmares. You think I don't understand what it's like? Talk to me."
"It's not important."
"Simonn, your name means 'the listener'. Let someone else do the listening for once."
"And Peter means 'the rock'. I'm fine."
"I've said it before, I'll say it again. Fine people don't drink tea at midnight."
"I've been having this terrible feeling of…dread. Something bad is going to happen to us. All of us. I don't…I can't even tell. But it's something bad."
"No idea?"
"None at all."
"Then don't worry about it."
"It's not that easy."
"I know. But you can't spend all your time worrying about something you can't control. It'll drive you mad."
"You'd know."
"I have had a very long experience with things I can't control. And each one drove me mad."
"You're not mad."
"I'd like to think so."
"You're my best friend-I would know if you were mad."
"I've felt mad before. Have you ever been so sad you don't feel sad at all anymore?"
He nodded. "So sad you just feel emptied out."
"Doesn't it feel like being mad?"
He nodded again.
"Don't worry about it, Simonn. You can't control it. Whatever is coming for us, it won't be for a while. We're safe. Don't worry."
"I can't just not worry."
"I know." I took his hand, even though he has much bigger hands than me, and held tightly. He's ridiculously bony and I could feel his bones through his skin. It worries me, and I wish I could do something about it, but no matter how much I insist he eats he never gains any weight.
I worry.
Simonn went to bed before I did, which is rare. When I was sure he was asleep, I found all the alcohol in the house excepting what Dolora uses to clean wounds and knock people out for stitches and dumped it out. I worry about Simonn, and I don't want him going that route.
30 January 1621
Catherine is definitely up to something. I don't know what, but I'm sure she'll tell me at some point. She's like that-she can't keep secrets for long.
4 February 1621
Today at work Catherine tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Hey. I've got something important to tell you."
"What?"
"I'm engaged!" She held up her left hand to show me a pretty little ring. "We're getting married in a month."
"Who?" I haven't heard her mention a special boy since Edward.
"James Carpenter. He's a guard in the palace!"
"Oh my goodness, that's amazing!" She always said she wanted to live in the city.
"Yes." She seemed to be glowing. "He's a good man, and he's got a good job, and he seems to respect me-somewhat, anyways. Better than most men! But I'll be moving to the city. So I'll be leaving here."
"Oh, I'm going to miss you."
"Me too. But I'll write."
"I will too."
There was a pause before we both grinned and laughed again.
I'll miss Catherine. But I can practically feel Sigmun making plans to start the changes he always talked about in our childhood and I have a feeling I won't be at work much longer.
7 February 1621
I think I'm going to miss home. How could I not? If I'm right and we are leaving soon, I'm going to miss my home. I'll miss Catherine and Susan and hell, Jane and Agnes. (Not David, though.) I'll miss the festivals and the forest and still calling all the village adults Mr. and Mrs. even though I'm an adult, too. I'll miss everything about home. I'm almost afraid to leave-this place is all I've ever known. Sigmun's always had a sort of wanderlust-that's a word Patrik's used-but I've never really wanted to leave here.
But neither can I stand to stay here alone, or to let horrible things happen to people when I could do something.
12 February 1621
I met Neolla and Mariek today after work in the village, except Neolla was dressed as Nelson and Mariek was holding her hand.
"What happened to Sumner?" I asked.
"What about Sumner?" Mariek asked.
"Last I heard you were thinking about getting engaged!"
Mariek laughed. "No, that's just what I told Aunt Katherine to get her off my back."
"Then are you two…?"
"None of your business," Neolla said lightly.
I smiled. "You guys are so sweet together! It's adorable." I've always liked romance and the idea of romantic love, as long as I can remember. I'm glad I was lucky enough to find it.
"How are you and your lover-sorry, husband," Mariek said, with that teasing tone she uses to get under my skin.
"We're just fine, thanks."
"You sure?" Neolla asked. "I heard about your children. Or. Um."
I nodded. "Yes, I imagine word got out."
"I'm sorry," she said.
"Me too," Mariek said.
I nodded. "Me too."
"If there's anything we can do…" Neolla offered, but I really didn't want to think about it anymore.
"No, I'm alright. How's your practice going?"
"Alright. You know Mr. Jefferson?"
"How could I not?"
"He's at my office once a month, ready to sue someone else for something. I think he's going mad."
"I thought we all knew that!" Mariek joked. I tried to smile back but I was very tired. Either way, I chatted with them a little while longer and then headed home. A fool could see they'd be good together. I hope they see it someday.
15 February 1621
I wonder if a day will ever come when I see Damara and don't want to cry. My best friends' daughter-all but my niece! I shouldn't cry, just because I miss my own little one. Hannah deserves better! All of us women support each other in this endeavor of raising children, and I am Hannah's friend, and Simonn's best friends. Eleanor's taken over most the care, but my friend's sister is my friend. And the little one is Hannah's daughter. I'd never abandon my friends like that.
I think-I believe-that is my little one grew up, Hannah and Simonn would've been the best help for Sigmun and me. Between them and Dolora and my other friends, I think he would've had a wonderful family.
19 February 1621
Last night, Sigmun said the oddest thing.
"Love?"
"Hm?"
"Does it bother you that we pay taxes and yet have no voice in our government?"
"You know it does."
"And…perhaps…would you like to do something about it?"
"Of course."
"Something like…perhaps…starting a revolution?"
"Love, what are you asking me?"
"Nothing!"
"Sigmun, I'm your best friend."
"I…I'm still working on an idea. I'll tell you once it's done."
"Alright, love. Goodnight."
"Goodnight, love."
As if I can't see right through him.
22 February 1621
I confronted him about it today. "Love, what are you planning?"
He jumped about a mile in the air. "Nothing!"
"You're a terrible liar."
"Um…sorry."
"No, don't apologize. What's your plan?"
"I…I have an idea. We've been dealing with all these unfair laws and injustices, and Candas lives a day's walk away and she doesn't care, and I just don't think that's fair! We have to do something about it!"
"Like what?"
"I want to start a revolution," he said, eyes all but shining. "We can find people-talk to people-help people! We'll get people to see how unfair it is, and we'll get hundreds-thousands-of people to march up to the palace and make them change. Not to hurt anyone. Just to change things."
"My goodness, and you said this idea wasn't finished yet!"
"It's not."
"Love, you have a revolution planned out. I've seen your map."
"I…I suppose."
"And you want us to come with?"
"I can't do this alone. You know me."
"I do, love."
"Will you?" he asked, almost pleading.
I felt so guilty, but I said, "I don't know."
"What?" he sounded so forlorn.
"Hannah and Simonn's child. My job. My friends at work. I have duties here."
"Catherine's leaving! Hannah has her sisters! Someone else can sew the buttonholes."
"Love, I don't know. Alright? I just need to some time."
"I…alright."
"I'm sorry. I just need to think." And to write.
"No, don't apologize. I love you."
"I love you too."
I don't know what I think. I do have duties here, however small. I have buttonholes to sew, friends to converse with, a child to help out with. But more than that-I love this town. I love my friends and I love the woods, the stream, the river, the clearings, the bridge, the boulder, the town, the buildings, the square, the fountain, all of it. I feel safe here. I feel loved here. This is the place I feel is my home. It is my home. I've just felt that this is where I should be.
Is it time to leave?
24 February 1621
Catherine left today. After work, she took my hands and told me she was going.
"I'm meeting him in the city tonight, and we're getting married tomorrow," she said. "He's been writing letters-he's so sweet."
"I'm so happy for you, Catherine," I said. "Don't forget to write!"
"I won't! I'm going to miss you." She hugged me and I already knew I'd miss her. She's not smart, and she's not one I'd have great conversations about human nature with, but she's kind and funny and heaven knows she can read people.
I hope she's happy in the city. I hope she's happy with her new husband and the children she'll have and the home she'll live in. I hope she's happy.
28 February 1621
I'm afraid that if we do leave and start a revolution, things will never be the same. Well, obviously things would never be the same but I'm afraid that I might lose my family. I'm afraid we'll all be changed beyond recognition and we won't be able to love each other. I'm so afraid to lose them.