1 June 1621

I noticed I've been writing a lot more lately. I suppose it's because I'm so worried, thinking about things. I'm worried about Sigmun and about every village, and about every person we encounter who's seen so much of this unfairness. This world is unfair. I wish I could just fix everything, but I know I can't. I know that changing the world takes work, and I know that we can't just make things better. I just wish we could.

3 June 1621

He spoke again today. I'm so proud to see him speak. It's not the way I was proud to see my baby boy walk. It's a totally different sort of pride. I'm proud to see people I love standing up for the good in the world, and I want to show off to the world how amazing my dearest ones are.

I also talked with a woman afterwards, Gillian. She'd been through some kind of hell. She had two children by her first husband when she was young (married at seventeen), and then he died on the farm. She had to sell the farm to support her children, but then the elder son died of winter fever, and all her money went towards searching for a doctor, and now she's homeless with her younger daughter. I asked her if she wanted to talk about her time homeless but she just shook her head. She was trembling the whole time I was with her, so I told her she could sleep in the tent tonight.

I think I'll offer to help her move, like Florence. Sometimes I think what people need is really a fresh start, with what little money we have and a town of people with whom they have no reputation.

6 June 1621

Another Sunday speech. The interesting thing (interesting, my foot) was later, in our tent. Sigmun looked so despairing, so I asked what was wrong.

"Nothing."

"Love, something's wrong. What happened?"

"I…I was talking with a man. He was illegitimate, like me. We were talking, and he asked if I was married. I imagined he wanted to believe there was hope. So I told him about you, how much I love you and how much you mean to me, and he…asked me about sleeping together. I told him that was none of his business. And…he told me he didn't think he'd ever get married, so…he was the one who hurt Gillian."

"What!?"

"He just told me! He said…'What's the harm, it's not like she's married.' So I told him to get out of my sight. I told him it was repulsive. I…I feel terrible. How many people have I comforted who have done equally terrible things?"

"Not many, I'd wager."

"But I have."

"You told him off. You did the right thing. And Gillian's moving with us anyways. She'll be alright. We won't let him near here again."

He looked despondent, so I hugged him close and said, "Love, it's alright. You had no way of knowing. And once you knew you sent him away, let him know that he was wrong. If he pushes it, well…you know we won't let him close." He still doesn't know about my breadknife, but I sleep with it within reach.

"I know," he said, sighing with that terrible heaviness. His shoulders slumped and he rested against me. "I wish…who could we tell who would punish him for what he did?"

"The guards?" I suggested, against better judgement.

"None around."

"Village authorities?"

"Worth a try," he said, looking so very tired.

"It's better that you met him. I'd have torn him limb from limb," I told him, which was probably true. "Who is he?"

"Barnard. Fletcher. Perhaps half a head taller than me, blond hair, brown eyes. He has a cocky walk, you know the type."

"I do. Let's get some rest," I said. "We'll deal with this in the morning."

And so he slept. I tried to, but I had the most terrible nightmares.

7 June 1621

I found Barnard Fletcher today. When he tried to come to camp I asked him to step aside. Once we were out of eyeshot of the camp I took out my knife and held it like a weapon. "My husband told me what you did to Gillian."

"What?"

"You raped her. You will not get away with it. You should know we're going to tell your village authorities, and you are not allowed near this camp again."

"What was I supposed to do? No one will come near me!"

"With good reason. I used this knife for bread once upon a time. Do you think I'd have any trouble using it on you?"

He looked scared, so I said, "Go. My friend has a butcher's knife."

He turned and ran like a scared rabbit. I don't know if that was unfair of me but I don't care. I can't stand that men like that exist in the world. I might've hurt him if I didn't know it would be against what we tell people.

We did tell authorities, and Gillian agreed to move with us, so with any luck he won't hurt anyone else, and she won't have to deal with him. They say sometimes we live in a civilized world. How can that be if things like this still happen?

9 June 1621

We left yesterday and Gillian came with us. After we left, about half a day from the town, Gillian started giggling, then out-and-out laughing.

"Gillian?" Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm fine," she said. "Great, in fact. I…I never have to go back!"

"Indeed," I said.

"I was so sick of seeing him everywhere I went…we're getting a new start. Little Eliza and me."

"Barnard?"

"Yes. Actually…I have to ask. What did you do to him?"

"Why?"

"He found me in the village and…apologized. I…" She blushed and looked down. Her little one was walking up with Sigmun (he's so good with children and I wish he could've been my children's father), and she glanced that way before she said, "I smacked him across the face. What did you do to him?"

I felt a little red, too. "I threatened him with my knife. I told him I knew what he'd done and he was not welcome at camp anymore. And I told him I was not afraid to use my knife."

"You lot aren't violent."

"My husband…well, his childhood inclines him to not be violent. I don't believe in violence, generally. But I make exceptions. He doesn't know."

She nodded.

"Is there anything we can do for you once we get to the next village? Money, references, anything?"

"I'll be fine," she said. "I used to farm, I'm strong. And I can sew. As long as I have Eliza, we'll be alright."

"I'm glad to hear that," I said.

The rest of the walk was quiet.

11 June 1621

We arrived in the next village today. Gillian detached from us and went looking for a job, but left Eliza with us. I'm astounded she trusts us so much. Eliza's five and such a sweet little girl. She was excited to play with me, because she said her mother told her I was okay to play with. I taught her to climb trees, something I loved doing when I was a child. She was quite good at it. Sigmun's set up his speech, and the village knows, so everything's worked out. I just hope things work out for Gillian and Eliza.

13 June 1621

He talked today, to the village, and as usual it was a wonderful speech that I almost slept through because I was so tired after hunting. I know I worry Sigmun, but I also know I need to get the hunting down. Done. I'm so tired I can hardly right. Write, dammit.

I did talk to people afterwards, but mostly to tell them to come back and talk again tomorrow.

Sigmun just joined me in the tent, and he's looking worried, like usual. He never looks over my shoulder when I write in my journal, like I don't when he writes his letters. He just kissed the top of my head and told me to come to bed, I need rest. And I will. I just wish I didn't worry him so much.

15 June 1621

I talked with a woman named Adilene. I thought her name was odd, but who am I to talk? My name isn't common, and neither are Sigmun's or Dolora's. Anyways, she was young, nineteen, and she confessed a worry about finding a husband. After some careful questions, it became quite clear to me that she, like Neolla, was just not interested in romance. So I told her I had a friend who was much the same, and it was nothing to be ashamed of, and she could certainly enjoy life without a husband.

I hope she doesn't force herself to get married. That never ends well.

16 June 1621

He spoke today, as usual. But people left early, because the novelty was gone, and we all got to bed early.

Anyways, Sigmun and I were talking late, sitting together by the fire, and we were talking.

"I could kiss you all night," I said, touching his face gently. I was too tired to do anything else.

"Hush, love. There are people here."

"I know," I say. "But it's none of their business what we say to each other."

"Doesn't mean they won't hear us."

"Then let's go for a walk. What a married couple does together is nobody's business but theirs."

"Alright, love."

We walked together into the woods-with a lantern, of course-my right hand in his left and the lantern in my left hand.

"I miss home," I told him. "I miss everything about home. Privacy, of course, but everything else too."

"I do, too," he said. "It's alright."

I nodded, feeling tired and stretched thin. I love him beyond words and I want to change things, for Damara and for Simonn's siblings and for my future children and for everyone else, but I'm so tired and so stressed. I wanted to kiss him and hold him but I didn't want to ask because he of all people must be tired.

He sat on a log and tugged my hand. "We haven't spent a lot of time together, have we?"

"Love, I don't want to tire you out-"

"You don't tire me out. If I was tired I wouldn't have come on a walk with you. I mean…yes, I'm tired. But I want to spend time with you."

"Are you sure?"

"I am."

"I love you," I said.

"I love you, too, darling. And just because we're doing something dangerous doesn't mean I don't care about you. You're important to me."

It made me feel all wobbly inside and so I set down the lantern and took both of his hands. "I don't want you to think I don't care, either. If you need me I'll be right here."

"I know," he said quietly, and he kissed me softly. It surprised me a little but I missed kissing him so I slipped my arms around his shoulders and kissed him right back. We were alone in the woods, the lantern glowing in the background, and I could've kissed him forever. He's much better at it than when we were young, and I'd like to think I am as well.

When I pulled away, he let out that sweet sound like a whine when he's just a little frustrated. "Love?" he asked.

"We're in the middle of the woods."

"No one's around."

"I know. But I like this dress, and I don't want to get it dirty."

"Another time?"

I kissed his nose and he smiled, like I hoped he would. "Of course."

So I kissed him once more and we walked back to our camp, and I fell asleep with his arms around me, his heart beating softly right where I could hear it.

17 June 1621

Simonn and I talked last night around the campfire when everyone else was asleep.

"I saw you and Sigmun leave last night."

"So?" I felt a little defensive because I feel guilty about how I'm here with my love and he's away from Hannah. "We're married. What we do together is our business."

"I'm your best friend-I wouldn't bother you. But someone else might think differently, and I don't imagine you want to be disturbed."

"We were just kissing!"

"Snogging."

"You don't need to take out your feelings on me. I know you miss Hannah but there's no reason to be cruel!"

"I don't want to be cruel," Simonn said.

"Well, you are being."

"I don't mean to take out my feelings on you. I'm happy for you two. You're good for each other. But remember when you were home early from the city, and I was embarrassed? Just be careful. I worry about you."

"There's nothing wrong with it. I love him, and we're married."

"Yeah," Simonn said. "I know. But you know what other people would say if they found you two."

"I do." Words like whore, like bastard; words that make me cringe.

"I'll try to not take out missing Hannah on you," Simonn said quietly. "I miss her. Badly. But I really am happy for you, and for him." He doesn't even talk about his brothers, but it is more than obvious (to me, anyways) that he misses them desperately.

"I'll try not to take out my stress on you," I said back, meaning it.

Simonn sighed, tired. "Caring so much takes it out of you, doesn't it?"

I nodded, poking the fire with a stick.

"I don't blame you for wanting to spend time with him," Simonn said. "It must be comforting."

I nodded. "I feel better knowing he's there. It's why we share a bedroll."

"I imagine he also likes the feeling of you being there, like I do."

"Pardon?"

"I fall asleep after all of you. You all breathe at about the same rate."

"I listen to his heartbeat," I told him. I tell Simonn so many things and sometimes I worry I've told him too much, he'll be uncomfortable, but he tells me just as many things and I think it doesn't matter.

"Really. I think we all comfort each other."

I nodded. "How is Hannah?"

"She's good. She says she misses me. I'm going to tell her I'm coming, instead of surprising her."

"You should."

"I'm a little afraid."

"I'm going with you."

"So I can see my siblings and my fiancée."

"You put up with Sigmun and I, why shouldn't I put up with you?"

"I'm not putting up with you guys. You're my best friends. "

"But we're married."

"Doesn't matter. I love you both to pieces. If you're happy, I'm happy."

"If you're sure."

"I am."

I rested my head on his bony shoulder and we were silent until Adilene left her tent and saw us.

"Pardon me. I don't want to disturb you."

"It's fine," I said. "What is it?"

"I'm having trouble sleeping," she said.

"Sit here as long as you like," I said. "I'm going to bed." I squeezed Simonn's hand and curled up next to my love in our tent, listening to his heartbeat. A minute later I heard Simonn join us and so I breathed deep until I was sure he was asleep.

18 June 1621

Simonn made fairly definitive plans to go home for a visit and I insisted up going with him.

"Simonn, you can't go alone."

"I can and I will. If you come you'll just have to put up with me and my family and Hannah."

"I'll talk with Patrik and Neolla and Mariek. I'll be fine, and I won't let you go alone."

He rolled his eyes like when we were children and said, "Fine. You know he won't like it."

"He worries about us all the time, and if there was any way to stop that, believe me I'd do it."

"I wish he wouldn't worry."

"I do too."

We sighed and I saw Simonn's shoulders slump. He gets so tired. (As if I don't.)

"By the way. Happy birthday."

"Oh. How did you know?"

"I keep my journal. You're twenty-six. Getting awfully old!"

"Gee, thanks. You are too."

"I know. I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday."

"Thanks," he said.

After some quiet, we went to bed. Sigmun was asleep, so I cuddled up to him and rested my head on his chest.

20 June 1621

Another speech today. Same as usual. I'm much too tired to write more.

22 June 1621

I talked with another woman today. Her name was Jane, and she was terribly thin, and it wasn't because she didn't eat-she's just like Simonn. My first thought was to feed her as much as I could before we left (we leave tomorrow), but that wasn't what she wanted to talk about.

"I'm so sick of my mother," she said, after pleasantries and all that.

"Oh?"

"When I was a child, she had my whole life set out for me, a man to marry, hell, what to name my children! And she's still trying to control me. I'm twenty-one! I'm an adult! I wish she'd just…stop."

"I understand," I said.

"You married that illegitimate man."

"I did. After my mother abandoned me because I didn't marry when I turned eighteen. I've been through a lot with her, but we haven't spoken since then."

"Oh. How did you handle it?"

"I found other people who love and support me. My mother-in-law has taken care of me for a long time. How about you tell me about your mother?"

"Well…my father died when I was eight. My mother wasn't quite the same. She became…obsessive, I'd say, about my sister and my brother and I, and how we had to get married quickly or she'd never have grandchildren to carry on her legacy…to be honest, I think she's afraid of dying and I guess she imagines she'll avoid with a 'legacy'. I just wish she wouldn't hit me. I'm an adult, she can't spank me anymore."

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine. She's my mother, she is in charge."

"You don't have to let her. You're an adult."

"But she's my mother."

"That doesn't give her the right to hurt you."

She shrugged. "I'll find someone someday, I reckon. And then she'll get off my back."

"She might. Or she might start bothering you to have a child."

"It's not as if I have much of a choice in the matter."

"There's more choice than you think, but I take your meaning."

"Where are your children, then?"

"I can't have them," I said, like always. "I had a baby boy named Luke, but he died when he was fourteen months old, two and a half years ago."

"I'm so sorry," she said sincerely.

"Thank you," I said, also sincerely. "I don't think it'll ever stop hurting, but…I'm alright. My family, we're handling it. But this isn't about me."

"Why not?"

"Well, I…I don't know."

I didn't quite know what to say, but Jane started some small talk and I let it go.

24 June 1621

We left today, taking no one with us (which was a relief). Not much else, but it's raining as usual and the tent is leaking and I need to keep my journal wrapped in cloth and I wake up with my clothes wet and I know it's selfish but right now I want to be back home in my bedroom with my husband, where I was safe and warm and comfortable. I know it's more important to save the world than for me to be safe at home but, heaven, I miss home.

25 June 1621

Simonn and I sat together by the fire again last night.

"Have you talked much to Sigmun lately?"

"I…I don't know. I've been busy. Translating. Do you know how long it takes to translate speeches that long into five different languages? We went out to the woods a few days ago."

"I know. He's just been seeming down lately, and he gets that way when you two don't spend a lot of time together."

"Do you mean…?"

"No. I just mean spending time, talking or sitting or whatever. He loves you."

"Did he talk to you about this?"

Simonn glanced at our tent and said, "Yes. I think he's insecure about you. Cos he's an illegitimate child with no money and no way to make money, and by most measures-if we'd been raised any other way, if anything had been different-you wouldn't have looked at him twice."

"Well, I did look at him twice, and I love him. I thought he knew that."

"He does. But I worry sometimes Hannah doesn't love me anymore because I'm gone, even though she tells me she does, so I imagine it's the same."

"I feel terrible now…I don't want him to think I don't love him."

"I think it'd be good for you both to spend some time together."

"Simonn, you don't have to do this."

"I don't have to, but I am anyways. I want you to be happy. And you two are good for each other."

"Simonn, you're the best friend a woman could hope for."

He rolled his eyes that affectionate way he does. "Thanks."

"Any time. How are things with Hannah?"

"Alright. I think I'm going to go visit her for a few days soon." He blushed very red and then said, "I know you have some trick for not getting pregnant."

I blushed just as red and said, "Who says?"

"Well, you haven't been since…since then," he said delicately. "And it's an easy guess that there's some sort of trick. I mean…I've never really had much of a desire for all that. Hannah either. But it's nice." He was absolutely scarlet.

I felt very red in the face as well but I told him the trick Mariek told me, which seems to be working pretty well.

"How did you find that out?"

"Mariek told me."

"Ah."

"Yeah. It works very well."

He nodded. "Thanks."

"Any time. But we should go to bed. We have a big day tomorrow."

"Yeah, you'll be seducing your husband."

"Shut up."

He grinned and kissed my cheek. "Night, Deedee."

"Goodnight, Simmie."

I guess I haven't spent a lot of time with Sigmun lately. I love him to pieces but we've been so busy! I want him to know I love him, of course. And I do love him. I just hope he knows it.

26 June 1621

It went quite well last night.

"Love?" I said.

"Hm?"

"Do you want to go for a walk? It's alright if you're too tired."

"I'm not. Let's go." He picked up a lantern and as soon as we were away from camp he took my hand. I felt fluttery inside, like I was sixteen again and we'd just kissed for the first time.

We walked until we found a clearing with a convenient log and we sat together.

"What's wrong, Dianna?" he said.

"Simonn told me. That you worry I don't love you."

"I-damn him."

"We're all best friends, what did you expect? But I love you. I always will."

He nodded. "I know, love. I just worry."

"I know you do. But you can talk to me any time. We're best friends. That's what friends are for." I touched my forehead to his and our noses barely brushed. "I love you."

"I love you too," he said, and he tilted his head so we could kiss. His lips are more chapped these days, and I worry it's stress. But he still felt wonderful against me and I found his collar with my fingers and undid the first button.

"Love?" he asked, pulling away very gently.

"It's been a while," I said. "Unless you don't want to."

"I do," he said. "But last time, your dress…"

"It's alright. I don't care as much about this one."

"If you're sure."

"I am. Are you?"

"Yes," he said, and he kissed me again.

When we went to bed he curled around me and I felt very warm and loved, and I actually believed for a second that we were safe.

26 June 1621

We arrived at town today and pitched the tents and made camp and all that, and then Simonn and I left for home. Sigmun didn't like it.

"Are you sure you'll be safe?"

"I can defend myself, and I'll be with Simonn."

"And you'll be alright staying home alone."

"Yes, love. We're adults now, in case you didn't notice."

"Don't forget Mama's good tea. And there should be food in the garden, and-"

"Love, calm down. I'll be alright."

He sighed, nervous. "I'll miss you."

"I'll write."

He touched my cheek and said, "Be careful."

"I will be."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Simonn and I left around noon and we should be home by the beginning of July. I hope I don't miss my love's birthday.

30 June 1621

I came up with a name for myself today. Quite on accident, but I think I like it.

I wrote a letter to him and I found a messenger after an hour of looking and handed it to him.

"This is for someone called Signless. Do you know him?"

He looked at me oddly, but said, "I do."

"Bring it to him as fast as you can."

"And who shall I say it's from?"

I wasn't sure what to say, because I couldn't say me real name, but I needed something he'd recognize so he'd know it was from me. I didn't say much for a minute, and then I thought of something.

"Say it's from Disciple."