" So would you like something to drink Judy? We have grape soda!" My mom asked making an effort to salvage her daughter's visit home.
" No thanks mom, no more soda for me. Daniele and I watched a very informative documentary about eating habits in North America and there was this part about soda that just completely turned me off it. Did you know that they use soda to clean blood off the highway after accidents and at murder scenes?" Judy seemed a little more chilled out than she usually was. The old hetero Judy would have lambasted my mother for even offering her soda despite the fact my mother couldn't have had any idea that she had given it up. Instead the new lesbo Judy just politely turned her down and explained why she didn't want any.
" Oh, is that right." My mother remarked, not doing a very good job of hiding the fact that she wasn't impressed and least of all because the idea had something to do with Dani. I grabbed the grape soda from the middle of the table and helped myself to quite a large glass. I felt it was only right since I had nearly lost an eye trying to get it.
" So Doug! Judy tells me that you're an artist!" Daniele announced smiling away as usual. I was just about to sip my glass of soda and stopped in surprise. Nor I or my parents had any idea what she was talking about.
" Ummmm…" I offered in bewilderment.
" Oh don't be so bashful Doug. It's mainly comic book type kind of stuff but done in a satirical way that mocks the medium while also paying homage to it." Judy explained to my and everyone else's surprise. I didn't want to embarrass Judy by pointing out that I had no fucking idea what she was talking about, so I appealed to our non-verbal sibling bond for her to throw me a bone and gave her a look that said:
" Judy, what the fuck are you smoking?"
" You know. Quailman." Judy said helping me out.
" Oh, yeah. I haven't really done anything to do with that in a while…" I said trying to play it down.
" Maybe artist is too strong a word Judy." My mom added backing up my point of view. " Doug's not very creative." I couldn't tell if she was being blunt on purpose or just voicing her opinion.
" Well, I wouldn't say that I wasn't-" I attempted to reel it back a bit.
" -Don't be silly Mom, Doug's very creative. His work reminds me of if Stan Lee and Pablo Picasso had a baby." Judy said backing me up too much.
" Oh I think you were always the creative one Judy. Doug's more….. practical." My mom let the word practical hang in the air as a thinly disguised dig at Judy. She didn't look up from her food as she was speaking.
" Practical how Mom? I would say that we're both quite practical and creative people." Judy had taken the bait and clearly losing patience with my mom's attitude
." Well don't take it to heart Judy. I just mean that Doug's better with things like numbers and organizing things. You've always been a little more… eccentric dear."
" So what you're saying is that I'm irresponsible." Judy said putting her fork down.
" Judy-". My dad attempted to interject.
"- I'm not saying you're irresponsible Judy. But you know. You're a free spirit. You're always starting new projects and going into different….. phases."
" Why don't you just come out and say it Mom!"
" Well sometimes maybe you get carried away." Mom still didn't look up from her food. Daniele put her hand on Judy's shoulder trying to calm her down. However my mother wasn't quite finished yet.
" It's good that Doug is more practical. It's enough to have one artist in the family." And that was the straw that boke the camel's back. Judy leapt up from her chair.
" Oh Jesus Mom! It's the twenty-first century. What!? It's so hard to accept that your daughter has a girlfriend!? Really!?" The old dramatic Judy had returned. Flailing her arms around like Kate Bush in a Shakespearean play.
" Calma, amor." Daniele said rubbing Judy's back and looking up at her with eyes full of concern.
" Ela tem que parar de ser idiota com a gente!" Judy replied to Daniele.
" I'd thank you not talk to about me in Spanish Judy. We're not all as …worldly as you."
" IT'S PORTUGUESE MOM! FUCK! THEY SPEAK PORTUGUESE IN BRAZIL! NOT SPANISH!" Judy exploded and stood breathing heavily staring my mom down with her arms outstretched clasping her hands in fists. The tension was raw. My mom continued to eat casually like nothing was out of the ordinary. I sat as a spectator not sure what to do. Daniele continued to rub Judy's back and plead with her in Portuguese to relax. My dad took a sip of wine and thought to himself that he hadn't known that they didn't speak Spanish in Brazil either. That was another ace up his sleeve for the next table quiz. My mom swallowed. Put her knife and fork down slowly and calmly. She grabbed a napkin and cleaned her mouth and finally looked up at Judy looming over her from across the table. She sighed and put her elbows on the table in order to rest her chin on the backs of her hands and said.
" Well, it's all Greek to me."
" AGGGGGGHHHHH!" Judy grabbed a glass of wine and threw it over my mother who quickly grabbed the grape soda bottle which I had left open and threw it at Judy. It bounced off her hip splashing her before rolling across the room and emptying its contents into the carpet in a steady stream. Dani and my Dad restrained their respective women as they screamed high pitched obscenities at each other. I sat in the middle transfixed by the bottle of grape soda. All of the trouble it had caused and now it just lay on the floor bleeding to death.
"FUCK YOU!" Judy screamed at my Mom.
"GO FUCK YOURSELF! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY CLOTHES! MY HOUSE! MY CARPET!" My mom screamed back wiggling to break free from my father's hold while grasping for anything to throw at Judy on the table and pulling down the table cloth in the process.
"ME!? IT WAS FUCKING YOU! YOU STARTED IT!"
" YOU STARTED IT BY NOT TELLING ME! YOUR OWN MOTHER! A LITTLE DETAIL, LIKE I DON'T KNOW!? YOU'RE GAY NOW!?
" " OH VERY GAY MOM. VERY GAY! SO SORRY IF THAT DOESN'T SUIT YOU AND YOUR PERFECT LITTLE LIFE! BUT HEY! DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE CARPET, I'LL GET THAT RIGHT UP!" Judy temporarily broke free of Dani's grasp and made a V with her index and middle fingers before sticking her tongue in the middle of them and flailing it wildly at my mother.
" UGGGHHH!" my mother yelled in disgust. " GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF ME PHIL!" my mom broke free from my dad and stared at him breathing heavily. She had never spoken to him like that before. Everyone was silent. She looked at my dad who was gobsmacked. She looked at everyone slowly with her mouth ajar. A single tear fell from her eye which she quickly wiped away with the sleeve of her cardigan. She coughed. Dusted herself off as if it would fix the fact that she was drenched in red wine and threw her head backwards to confidently and quickly leave the room. BANG! She went on her ear hard like a basketball player who'd just been tripped up mid-dribble. Porkchop had struck at the opportune moment. Everyone ran over to see if she was ok, but she threw us off and got up, dusted herself off again and stormed out of the room successfully. The four of us stood around the wreckage of what once had been dinner and didn't say a word. The silence was deafening. Eventually I decided to salvage what was left of the grape soda and picked up my glass.
" Give me that!" Judy whipped it out of my hand downed it in one gulp out of stress. She wiped her mouth in her sleeve before grabbing Dani by the forearm and dragging her out of the room. " We're going out! Don't wait up!"
" Oh no! She hasn't had soda in months! If you think is bad wait until she crashes!" Dani said still smiling and shrugging while being dragged out of the room. She seemed almost incapable of not being upbeat. Only my dad and I were left in the painful awkwardness of what had just happened. I remained sitting while he stood with his hands in his pockets staring into space considering where everything had gone wrong for him and he had ended up being the head of a family where everyone was completely insane apart from himself. He took a handkerchief out of his pocket and began cleaning his glasses, which had red wine and grape soda on them. The fluids had ricocheted off his daughter and wife respectively and splattered him.
" Emm… Dad."
" Yes Doug?"
" What time is it now?"