1 October 1621
My bleeding hit hard this time. I woke up this morning with my whole body aching, especially my back, and I could feel the blood dripping. I sighed and, seeing my love awake, said, "My ability to have children-or lack thereof-will be the death of me."
"Love, are you alright? I can get Mama-are you pregnant? I-oh no, what-"
"Calm down love. It's just my bleeding. It hurts right now."
"Oh." I saw him take a deep breath. "Want some willow?"
"I'll get Dolora's pain medicine."
"I can."
"Thank you."
"Any time, love."
So he got me the pain medicine, because he's a sweetheart, and we traveled. I hate my bleeding. Dolora says it's supposed to be regular, once every month or so, but since most of us don't eat enough it's different, like mine. But, then, I can't have children anyways, so I don't see the point.
3 October 1621
A new day, a new town. So far it's the same: spreading the word, responding to questions, hunting. Writing lessons start tomorrow. As usual, most women were apprehensive but willing to try, with some overjoyed and some more reluctant, and the usual contingent absolutely against it. I try not to get too stressed about it; I know our ideas and ideals are radical and frighten most people. But by the end, most seem to understand, at least. Dolora usually works on the refusals, and Simonn's taken to debating the light-skinned men who are afraid to give up what they have.
It's still new, being a teacher. I think I like it.
5 October 1621
The priest here is absolutely set against us. Most don't like us, but this one is taking a stand. He came to our camp today and told us we were all sinners headed straight for hell. Many people have told us that, so it didn't bother me too much, but my love was ready to debate for all he was worth. Part of me wanted to go get my book and pen, but part of me thought that would look odd (I wrote it down later). But my favorite part was how Sigmun would ask one of us to chip in, too, to prove to the priest (Reverend Carmitz) that we're all in on this. I sat for a while proving to him how I was quite clever, in fact. Even for a man, he said. (Simonn made fun of me for how I rolled my eyes when he said that.)
The rest is in my book. I'll edit it later.
6 October 1621
My love seemed tense, after the speech. He gave his big speech and then he said to me, later, "I feel like I'm only talking to the people who don't need to hear what I'm saying."
"Love, everyone can benefit from hearing you."
"But the people who really need to hear me-they're not here. The women who don't come, or the men with light skin-they don't hear me. They're the ones who need to."
"They come in the end."
"Sometimes."
"Love, people like us-women, men with dark skin-they need to hear it. If you never had anyone tell you that your thoughts mattered, would we be here? We need to hear you, or people won't try."
"I suppose."
"You're just human, my love. Don't stress too much. You'll be alright. We're doing good work."
"Then don't exclude yourself, love. You're doing good work, too."
"I suppose."
"I know you write all the time-it must mean something to you. And it must mean something that you're passing it on."
"It does. More than I can say."
"Then you're doing good work. Reading and writing are important skills."
"I know that."
"Then you know you're doing good work."
"Love…"
"You need to hear it as much as I do. More."
"I don't need to hear anything."
"Love," he said. "I know you get stressed and tired and insecure. I just want you to know you mean a lot to me, and to us."
"I know," I said. "I love you."
"I love you too."
He kissed me, almost unbearably gentle, and I loved the feeling of his hand in mine.
9 October 1621
I woke up this morning absolutely frozen with dread. I can't even say what it was, but I felt deep in my bones this awful sense of dread.
I'm turning into Simonn, with his frightening nightmares. At least I'm not seeing something like I imagine he does.
Oh, and the writing lessons are going well. I'd say about…a little less than half the women are there. The other half are afraid or adamantly against it (though I suspect the latter is expression of the former). Dolora's doing her good work talking to them gently in a way I'm no good at, and healing of course.
Teacher, preacher, healer, prophet-and here I thought I wasn't religious!
11 October 1621
It's Neolla's birthday today. She's twenty-seven.
There was more debate with Reverend Carmitz today. He's very intelligent, so debating him is interesting, but it's frustrating how he won't change his mind ever. It's going to drive me mad, I swear. He just won't judge.
Although, what can I say-I won't budge, either.
12 October 1621
Simonn had one of his nightmares last night. I woke up late from a nightmare of my own and got up to sit with him near the fire.
"Nightmare?" he asked.
"Of course. Future-nightmare?"
He nodded.
"It was…well…I think we were…arrested. Or something? I just remember…chains. Cold hands. I reached out to take your hand but I couldn't, every time I got close you were dragged farther away…" He shivered. "Screaming. All of us. It was terrible."
"I'm so sorry."
"Thanks."
There was silence for a minute, a sort of empty pause.
"They're getting worse."
"What?"
"The nightmares."
"Oh."
"It's coming. Whatever it is, it's coming. Since we started this…it's going to be our downfall."
"I know that."
"But…I…I can't tell you. The ways it will hurt."
"Simonn, I'm stronger than that. I can stand pain."
He looked haunted when he looked at me. "Not like that, Deedee." it was such a strange mix of ominous and lighthearted, with my old nickname thrown in, that I just didn't know what to say."
"Si-"
"Please, Deedee. I just want to sit awhile." He looked unbearably exhausted, so I nodded and sat next to him until he fell asleep on my shoulder.
14 October 1621
My back is just going to give out one of these days, between the cold, the travel, the hard dirt we sleep on, and the hunting. But until then, I'll keep going. Heaven knows I won't stop. That's not who I am. And this isn't about me, either. It's about the ones who hear us.
16 October 1621
We leave tomorrow, and I (as usual) can hardly stand to see those we leave. So many who want to keep learning, hungry for this new freedom.
We'll come back. They'll hear from us again. If it's not the equality, everyone's sick of the unfair taxes.
17 October 1621
We leave tonight and I'm a little nervous to heard to a new town because this is the one we'll be in for All Saints' Day, which I don't think I'll ever separate from my little Luke's passing. We might be traveling again November seventh, and I hope so-I find it's easier to be alone with my family that day.
I've liked this town well enough. I wish them the best.
19 October 1621
A new town, a new adventure. We did our usual on the first day. I'm so tired from hunting, I can't write any more.
20 October 1621
Like always, I went to church this morning at the town church, and I'm just feeling irate about it right now. He preached about how terrible it is to sleep with someone if you're not trying to have a child and married, and I'm just started to feel so fed up with that whole line of reasoning. If I want to go out to the woods and take my husband until he screams (or gnaws on my shoulder, whichever), whose business is that but mine and his? (And now my journal's, I suppose.) I don't see what's wrong with it. It's my body and life, and I'm not hurting anyone. Why does God care what a couple does alone at night?
I think I find more and more as I grow that these things I thought I believed are just things I was told so often as a child that I decided they must be true.
22 October 1621
I met a lovely woman named Eden today while I was doing the reading and writing lessons and she brought a book to show me.
"My grandfather wrote a book, and I always wanted to read it," she said.
"I could read it to you, if you like."
"Would you?"
"Of course. Stay after the lessons for dinner and I'll read it. I'll have to go out hunting, but I'm sure my husband or my mother-in-law or my best friend can read it for you until I get back."
"Thank you," she said, smiling big.
"You're welcome."
"So, what did we get to last time?"
"We were all practicing our names."
"Right. We're going to do some reading today."
She smiled. "Thank you."
"Of course."
"I mean it."
"I know. Reading and writing is important to me, and I love seeing other people learn."
"You must've been doing it your whole life."
"Since I was seven. My mother-in-law taught me." I felt myself smile, remembering my first attempt at writing. The things I told my mother to explain away my ink-stained hands…
"Let's get started," I said.
Later, after I hunted, I read the book to Eden until it was too dark to see.
24 October 1621
I've been reading to Eden each night and I never realized, but it's helping her read so much. I should start reading aloud to the women I teach, like Dolora did when I was little. I think it'll really help.
The only problem is that I didn't bring many books. A Bible, a romance novel I like, and a book in French about an adventurer. Simonn has his battered copy of Principia, but I'm not sure that's the best option.
25 October 1621
Besides Eden's book, I started reading my romance novel aloud to teach the women I teach to read. I mean, it's well written, and it's got lots of good words in it. Besides that Kirchine and Mary both told me they like it, I think they're understanding the reading better.
27 October 1621
We're getting closer to All Saints' Day, and I'm feeling nervous. I talked with Eden and Mary, and they're both sure the village would be glad to let us in on the festivities. I sure hope so.
29 October 1621
Last night when Sigmun and I went out to the woods, he wanted to talk, too.
"You and Simonn. Have you both been having nightmares?"
"Yes."
"Has he been having his future-nightmares?"
"Sometimes."
"The ones where we all die?"
"I'm not sure," I said. "There's not much detail." I hate lying to him. I should've known he'd figure out something was wrong; he's so empathetic.
"And you?"
"Just the usual."
"Love, if there's anything I can do for you-either of you, just wake me up, I won't mind-"
"I'm fine. I can handle it on my own."
"But you shouldn't have to."
"Simonn and I just sit together by the fire, we have each other."
"Alright, love. But if you ever need someone who isn't shivering from nightmares, I'll be there."
"You have your own dreams to deal with, though. And they're must stranger than mine."
"And don't I tell you about them?"
"You have better ways to handle things than me, love."
"Well, I'm always here for you. Whatever you need."
"What if I need you to kiss me senseless?"
He smiled. "Then I'm happy to oblige."
And that was that.
30 October 1621
Tomorrow is the festival. I'm nervous, but we'll go into town with the people who believe in us and I'm sure Mary and Eden and Kirchine will be kind.
I had a nightmare last night and, deciding for once to take someone's advice (heaven knows I have a stubborn streak), I woke up my love and I didn't even have to say anything. He saw I was crying and he held my head to his chest and whispered to me how he loved me and I'd be okay.
I should've listened to him the dozens of times before he told me. I felt so safe and cared for, so warm and loved. I think if Simonn wakes up I'll still sit with him-while I'm sure he could wake up Sigmun if he wanted to, he never would-but I think for me, I might just wake up my love once in a while.
31 October 1621
Today was All Hallows', and we went to the village, and it was every bit as wonderful and fun as I remember our village's being. There was dancing and food, and they had a fiddler, and though their dances weren't exactly the same, they were similar enough that I could follow along. Eden invited us to her home for dinner, and we met her husband. He seemed a nice enough fellow, a bit of a distracted man-a daydreamer, maybe. I know the sort.
It was delicious, and I felt comfortable and warm when it was time to go home.
But nonetheless I thought about my little Luke and had trouble sleeping, because I could hardly stop crying. I'm just glad my family was there for me, and that I could be there for them. I'm done being isolated by grief, not when my family is with me.
A/N: So I'm back on track posting-wise, but I'll be at Anime Midwest when I'd post my next chapter so it might be a bit later. If you'll be there, come find me!