A/N: Thanks to Azaisya who pointed out I did the same chapter twice! Here is the new chapter for real. Sorry!
1 December 1621
Simonn and I leave tomorrow. It's snowy and cold out, and I think it will not be an easy walk back, but we can walk quickly and hopefully not freeze to death in the cold.
I'm wearing lots of layers and I have my good winter boots, so I'm sure I'll be alright. We'll stop in the towns for just a few hours, and travel before and after it gets dark with a lantern. I wrote down the people I met in each town, but I think I'll just recognize them.
2 December 1621
Sigmun almost cried when we left. I hate to leave him, but I think it's important to stay in touch with the towns we've visited, and it's important for Simonn to visit home. It means a lot to him to see his siblings growing up. Of course it does-it means a lot to me to see them grow up, and I'm not related to them.
Sometimes I feel this odd longing for the sister I know I have. I know there is another woman about my age in the castle near my home who is being groomed to be a countess, born to the same parents but raised so very apart.
I wonder what she's like, sometimes. I guess I'll never really know.
4 December 1621
We stopped in the first town today. It was just Agnes, the woman I met last time, and a few of the other women I taught to read and write. We chatted, and I left them some learning things I drew up-pictures and words paired together, like an apple. I thought it would help. They speak the language-I just need to show them how to write it.
6 December 1621
I saw Eden today in town, and read some more of her book for her. I left her and Mary and Kirchine the cards, too. I hope they keep learning; I hope someday Eden can read the book her grandfather wrote.
7 December 1621
We argued for a bit with Reverend Carmitz today, and after quite a while I finally gave up and told him he was an incurable bigot (what a wonderful word) and went to find the women I taught here to give the cards to.
9 December 1621
I talked with Eppie today about his ideals-she seems so excited! I love when people don't just want to pay more reasonable taxes or get a fair shake in government-although those are both highly reasonable things to want. I just love when people actually want to listen and perhaps think about what we have to say.
10 December 1621
It was Elizabeth today, the woman who also reads and writes. We talked some and I gave her the cards to teach the other women in the village, because I think it helps to see what you're learning to read. I hope she can keep up lessons for her village, at least.
12 December 1621
I talked with Edith today, and it was so lovely to hear her talk about her dream of university again. It's always a relief to be reminded that I am not the only woman who wants more than this, what is given to me.
I had the thought, today, that while I was happy when I had my golden life with my husband and my baby and everything was traditional and calm, I am just as happy now, making a difference in the world (I hope) and teaching people to read and write.
No, I was content at home. I am happy here.
13 December 1621
I talked with Sara today-the one who recognized me, Em's sister. I gave her the cards, and I hope she keeps learning. She was so excited to learn to write her name, and hers is the first village where I started out giving lessons. The start of my routine in these towns.
14 December 1621
I saw Bridget today, one of the first women I taught to write. She told me she was still practicing, and even learning some. She told me she wanted to do something, help us, do more with her life than listen to others. I think she's a bit like me-she was content at home, and she wants to be happy doing something else.
16 December 1621
It's late and we have been traveling hard for days, sleeping only a few hours a night. I'm so exhausted I might just pass out but we have to be home for Christmas. I wish I could talk to Simonn more; he's my best friend. I hope when we get home we can rest some more.
17 December 1621
I saw Adilene today, the woman who's like Neolla. I wish there was a word for that. I mean, we don't all love the same people the same ways, I don't see why there aren't words for that in a language with so very many words. We have at least ten words for beautiful off the top of my head, but none to describe these different loves.
I also spoke with Jane. She had gotten a job and was saving up money to move away from her mother. I hope she can find a man (if she wants one) and a life on her own terms.
I also talked with Gillian and saw Eliza, the ones who walked with us from their old village. They seem well-established, with Gillian doing laundry for the town. She seems happier, more satisfied. Eliza was sweet and remembered me and I gave her the cards to learn. I'm glad they're doing alright.
19 December 1621
I talked with Em today, the woman who wanted to study the natural sciences at university. I still love sharing these dreams with women I talk to. It's such a beautiful thing, a dream. I'm glad to have a few.
I also saw Florence, the other one who moved. She's been sewing for the village, and growing a garden like she mentioned. She told me she was feeling better, less ill, and I wonder how much of feeling ill was being ill and how much was incessant worry and stress about her life.
I hope she does well. She's so kind and good, and I think in another life she would be at the top of the world.
21 December 1621
I talked to Meriall today, from our second-ever village. She's the one whose family died in a fire. I wish I could've taught her to read. I've been leaving the cards behind so those women can learn, too. I hope so badly they can learn even a few words, even just their own name. It means so much.
22 December 1621
Tomorrow we will be home. I saw Maude today, and Helen, and I talked some with Daniel too. I left them the cards, and I'll make more when I'm home for these few weeks. I just hope that in the end, they learn. I think learning is just what people were made for. Having spent my whole life around them, I think that every human being is made to learn, and to never truly be sated when it comes to curiosity.
These are the things that matter to us-curiosity, learning, discovery, exploration, spirit. I don't believe we'll ever be done with them.
23 December 1621
We're home! Simonn immediately went to see his family and I just went to my room and got out our winter blankets and fell asleep, because we have been traveling nonstop for twenty days.
When I woke up, it was dark-about nine. I went downstairs for some tea before I went back to bed and Simonn was sitting there with two cups.
"I figured you'd want some when you woke up."
"How long have you been home?"
"An hour or so. You seemed pretty exhausted."
"Aren't you? We've been traveling for twenty days."
"I'm exhausted. I just really wanted to see my siblings. And talk to you some-we've hardly spoken."
I smiled, remembering that he is my best friend and he's really kind, deep down. So we sat there with tea and chatted about nothing until it was too late and we both went to bed.
24 December 1621
It feels so weird, sleeping alone. My love isn't there to snuggle against when I have nightmares, and Simonn and Dolora aren't breathing quietly nearby.
It's Christmas Eve, and I'm kind of excited for the festival tomorrow. I miss my friends here. This town is still the place I have felt safest, and a place I think I have been happy. There was joy when I kissed my love for the first time, married him, held my baby boy. And I have always had fun at the festival.
25 December 1621
It was such terrific fun! There was dancing and music like always, and I was with people I hold dear. I danced with Simonn, a little, but mostly Patrik because Simonn was dancing with Hannah. Patrik doesn't really understand why we're doing this, still, but he at least doesn't bother me about it.
After the dancing, I went with Simonn back to his family home and ate Christmas dinner with Richard and Thomas and Robert and his uncle (who is still a bit of a stick-in-the-mud). I know I'm not really part of their family, but they're familiar with me. Richard's going to get married soon-he's twenty, and he's been talking to a girl named Grace in the village. She's about as poor as he is, but he's going to keep up his farmhand work until he can get his own little plot of land for his own little farm. Thomas, ever the intellectual, is eighteen now and he has an apprenticeship with the cooper. And Robert is still a bit aimless. He's still got some time.
The food was delicious, because Simonn and their mother taught them to cook. For once I didn't cook my Christmas dinner, because as Thomas said, "You're our guest!" I think his brothers still see me as significantly older than them, even though they're practically adults, too. I'm their brother's friend, a sort of hybrid adult figure like Simonn always has been.
It was a lovely dinner, and when Simonn and I walked home and had our cup of tea together like always (with my St. John's wort), and though we didn't have presents, I think we both knew at that moment that (silly as it sounds) there is no greater treasure than the love of another person, and no greater response than to love them in return.
27 December 1621
I talked with Patrik today. We had tea together in my kitchen and he told me how he's been, what he's been doing (studying mostly), all that. I told him what I've been doing, and I tried once more to explain to him what this means to me.
"I just think everyone deserves to have a say in the laws they live by, and to be read and write."
"But people are satisfied with their lives. Why do you stir up trouble?"
"People don't know there's anything besides this. And we only know because of Dolora."
"Can't you let well enough alone?"
"No," I say. "Because it's not well enough. It's not enough to keep so many people in poverty and ignorance when there is a world of knowledge out there, and plenty enough to go around."
Patrik sighed. "I don't understand why you would abandon your life here for that dangerous one you lead."
"I was happy here. But I guess I just can't let well enough alone."
I can't always tell if he doesn't understand why we need to change things or if he just worries about me. I forget very easily that he worries about me.
29 December 1621
I think we're staying until after New Years'. I've been talking with Neolla and Mariek, who updated me on everything to do with Candas and her crowd. Apparently, she's going to try to persuade Grantt and Orvill to join us. I am happy about that in the abstract sense, but they still both scare me a little. Either way, it's good to have some palace support on our side.
Well, I suppose I've already thrown away the rest of my sense of safety.
30 December 1621
Hannah was over for dinner today, and the three of us sat around the table and ate together and it felt warm and safe, like my old life. All that was missing was my love and my real mother. But I felt happy and comfortable, and I felt safe again.
Speaking of, I got a letter back from Sigmun today. I told him not to write back until I was home so I could be sure I'd get it. Today I got a long, sweet letter full of love and affection and how much he misses me. He told me how much he wants to kiss me, how much he wants to hold me, how much he wants just to see me. And I miss him right back, my best friend and husband. I'll miss him until I see him again.
31 December 1621
Tomorrow is New Years'! I'm excited to see a new year, as our work continues and our word spreads. People do speak across towns, despite how rare it is, and I think our word is spreading. I hope so, anyways!
Andrew is here and Simonn and Andrew and I are planning to stay up until midnight to welcome in 1622. I don't think I have any resolutions this year, but I have wishes. I wish for our word to spread, I wish for us to succeed, I wish for happiness for my whole family, I wish for happiness for everyone we speak to.
I think I wish for the world to be happy. Not for everyone to be constantly joyful and cheerful all the time, because being sad and angry and all those other negative emotions is part of life and, I believe, feeling them an important part of being an adult emotionally, but for people to generally say, "Yes, I am happy."
As I think I am, these days.