2 September 1622
Candas was in town today, and I saw Orvill and Grantt but she didn't try to bring them over to speak with us. They make me more nervous than her-Grantt does, anyways-so I didn't mind.
Anyways, I made her tea, and we talked about plans.
"We were hoping to gather people in towns and bring them to the city, to make a point," I said. "If we flood the city streets, someone is sure to notice."
"What about when the guards get violent?"
"Well, we were hoping that you could hold them off."
"I suppose I could. Do you know when?"
We're planning sometime next spring, but I wasn't about to tell her that, because I do like to keep some distance. "Not really. We're thinking within the year, but we'll tell you when we know better."
"Of course. Did you get my letter?"
"Yes, thank you very much. Those guards still give me the shivers." I only realized today how much of my interaction with her is a performance. With my friends, I tell them I'm petrified of the guards and the sight of them makes me break out in a cold sweat. With her, I toss off a line about how they give me the shivers.
"Well, they are supposed to be intimidating," she said, stirring her tea. She prefers black tea steeped light with cream. I'm not sure why I always remember people's tea preferences, but I do. Florence likes black tea strong with sugar; Gillian likes green steeped medium with cream and sugar; Em prefers green strong on its own. (Well, when sugar and cream are available.)
"I know."
"No chance you know which town you're heading to next?"
"No," I lied. "My husband's got the whole plan, but he doesn't tend to tell me much about it. He's so absent-minded."
"I might be able to help if I knew. My father's been sending guards to more towns, you know."
"We know. I'll ask him to write you when we meet up again."
"Can't you write him a letter now? I wouldn't want something to happen when you and Simonn aren't there to protect him."
"We don't have to protect him. He can protect himself."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure. He'll be fine until we get back to him." I didn't mention his voices because I knew that wouldn't go over so well to someone who doesn't understand what it's like to be out of your mind.
"Well, if you could find out your plans a little in advance, that would be great," she said.
"I'd love to," I said. "I'll do my best. But, you know, letters get lost so easily these days…"
"Alright," she said. "Well, whatever you know."
"Of course," I lied, again. "As soon as he's got his head on straight, I'll have him write you."
"Thank you," she said.
I don't mind lying to her the way I hate lying to Sigmun. It doesn't bother me because I don't really trust her, and though I'm sure she thinks we trust her I don't think she trusts anyone.
4 September 1622
Neolla and Mariek were over today for tea. Simonn was with Hannah and their daughter, and so I spent the day with my friends. Neolla's made a good map of the city and Mariek has been studying the way the guards do things, the way they patrol and all that. Mariek's not afraid of the guards, and I don't really know why, except that perhaps she only acts unafraid. Neolla doesn't like them, so she sympathizes with me.
6 September 1622
I went with Simonn to see his daughter today. I worry sometimes that seeing her just makes things harder for him, but the way he smiles when he plays with her is just too sweet. I think in another life he and Hannah might've been very happy with their daughter. In another life I imagine none of the terrible things that hurt like burning would've happened, though, so perhaps it's all just nonsense.
Simonn and I have been cooking a lot lately and I just love the taste of Dolora's thyme. I don't know if it's different from any other thyme but I think it's delicious.
9 September 1622
Candas brought her noble friend over today-the one from the castle we can see from town. I'm lucky Simonn was there, because otherwise I might've passed out. It turns out her friend is my blood sister.
We don't look very much alike, but Simonn said we had the same face-shape, and the same green eyes. Her hair's much nicer than mine, but that's the sort of thinking I've been trying to stop lately. She looked as surprised as I felt, but I think I held myself quite well. I'm sure that's go to do with how good I am at lying.
"Hello, Candas," I said. "Who's your friend?"
"She's from the castle in your area," Candas said. "This is Grace."
"Hello, Grace," I said. "I'm Disciple, and this is Psiioniic." Candas shot me a look, but I'm not about to give my real name to someone who lives so close to my town. I figured she already knew who I was, anyways.
"Nice to meet you," she said, looking me up and down in a very suspicious way, like she thought I was up to something. I did have my bread knife with me, but I wasn't going to use it. I don't imagine myself to be an imposing person. I'm much too short for that. Besides Dolora, I've seen both Mariek and Neolla look quite terrifying, but I don't know what it is about them that they can do that.
"And you," I said.
Simonn stayed standing, looking very squirrelly. I had the sense he felt like if he sat down, she might attack us. I can't say I was afraid of her, but I didn't like her very much, either. She made me nervous.
"I reckon we can all be helpful to each other," Candas said. She nodded at me and said, "If you could explain what you and your friends are doing…"
"My family and I are traveling across the country in hopes of unearthing people's true feelings about the government so some kind of reform can be made, economically and socially. We also hope to spread education in various fields."
"True feelings?"
"We find many people are unhappy with the current state of affairs-heavy taxes, no say in their government, laws that may be restrictive or even harmful."
"And so you think that the country will rise up against their king and throw him down?"
"We do not want to start a violent rebellion. We just want to bring these people together and to the city so the king can see how the people really feel. And with Candas at the king's side, we hope to create serious reforms to help as many people as we can."
She frowned and nodded. "Alright. Why?"
"Because we believe everyone is equal, and no one should lose out on opportunities because of their birth."
I could feel her growing angry. "I don't mean to be rude," she said quite rudely. "But you are common. I doubt you'd be saying these things were you a noble."
"If we were noble I doubt we'd notice how much those around us were suffering. As it is, we are in fact common and we notice how those we love struggle day-to-day to survive when there are better options."
"I don't think you understand," she said calmly. "It is a fact of life that, by blood, I am entitled to the estate I inhabit. You, on the other hand, are entitled to this tired house and sorry garden."
I bit down on my tongue because it's Dolora's garden, and my home, and she had no right to judge our home. It's our home. "By blood, I'm not entitled to this home, either."
"Oh, really. What did you inherit? A peasant's cottage with a leaky roof?" I could feel my shoulders tense.
"Well, I suppose…hm. This is my husband's mother's home, so perhaps this place. Perhaps my mother and father's house on the outskirts of town. Or perhaps your castle on the hill."
"My castle?"
"We are related, you know."
"Disciple, this isn't relevant," Simonn said, carefully.
"I think it is," she said. "If this woman is out of her mind I will not be working with you."
"I'm not out of my mind," I said. "I'm your damn sister."
"You're out of your mind," she said.
"No," Candas said. "I don't believe so."
"I never had a sister," she snapped. "My parents only had one child."
"I never had a sister either," I said. "I only knew you existed because the couple your parents foisted me off onto hated me."
"I never had a sister."
"How old are you?"
"Thirty-one."
"When you were four, do you remember your mother?"
"Of course."
"Do you remember another child in your nursery?"
"I had a doll. And an active imagination."
Candas cut in. "Look, Grace, I-it doesn't matter. They don't lie."
"How do you know that?"
"I've known them most of my life. Let's get to business."
She pinched her lips together, but not like the way Dolora does. She had more of a sour-lemon look, while Dolora's is more of stern look, and her lips go very narrow and pale more than anything else.
"Indeed," I said. It doesn't matter if she believes me or not. I don't plan to claim any right to her property, and I certainly could care less about her title. It just…felt odd, to be sitting across my table from my blood sister, so completely at odds. I was raised to believe all people were equal, and she was raised quite the opposite, and there we were at my table, discussing if she'd be willing to help the things we're doing.
"So, what do you want from me?" she asked.
"We just want your support," I said. "When Candas goes before the king, we want you to be in vocal support of her plans."
"What plans?"
"Mostly tax reforms right now," Candas said. "Social reform will come later, once the common folk have more agency."
"Hopefully education," I said. "Reading and writing, along with basic math skills-at the very least. Make the universities more accessible. Read books from other countries and regions to share knowledge, especially medical knowledge."
"Alright, and the girls?"
"They go to school too."
She nodded tentatively. "And you want my support on these matters."
"Yes."
"So you understand I do not have a seat in Parliament."
"But you have your husband's voice."
"But King James has the divine right to rule."
"That doesn't mean he can't be convinced."
"You must be out of your mind."
"I might be, a little bit, but it is still important to me and to us to allow people the same chances, no matter who they are."
"Who is us?"
"Myself, my best friend, my husband, and my mother-in-law."
"Your husband," she said, glancing at Simonn.
"No, this is my best friend. My husband is still traveling." I think part of the reason he doesn't come home with us is because Simonn and I don't trust Candas to not hurt him, when he trusts everyone so damn much.
"As is your mother-in-law."
"Yes, indeed. This way no one is left alone."
"How am I to know these people exist?"
"She's met them," I said, nodding at Candas. "Or I have letters they've written." Besides those terrible letters we wrote when we were young, I keep the letters he writes me and us when we're traveling (he doesn't always write separately to me and Simonn, but he will sometimes).
"I can vouch for their existence," Candas said, only a little sarcastic.
"And you really think I can talk my husband into supporting these laws."
"Yes," I said.
"Then why ask me? Just talk to him."
"Because he would never listen," Candas said. "Let's be honest. If I brought him here to speak with this woman, would he ever have listened?"
"I-perhaps not," she said. "How on Earth do you suggest I bring this up to him?"
"Point out that better taxes mean more social programs for your family."
It went on like that for a while, and eventually she agreed to talk with her husband.
I haven't been talking much to Simonn since then. It just feels so…odd. I was sitting across from this woman who was born to the same people as me but we were at complete odds with each other.
It's just odd.
13 September 1622
I finally gathered my courage and went to Luke's clearing, picking flowers on the way. Simonn came with me of course and we sat there for a long time. Part of me wants to talk to my baby, but part of me is terrified to because I know he won't respond. He'll never learn to talk.
It's not good for me to think that way but I can't help it. I loved him and every time I see another little child I think of him and I still feel that terrible pang of jealousy whenever I see Simonn and Hannah with their daughter. Simonn doesn't know that, for everything else he does know. He can't know. He feels bad enough these days.
16 September 1622
I was up last night from nightmares and went downstairs like I normally do to make tea, and Simonn was sitting there with his own cup of tea. He was fiddling with those magnets we bought him a few years ago and frowning.
"Hello there," I said.
"Hi."
"Nightmares?"
"Yeah."
I nodded and sat in my usual chair across from him. I really didn't want to be anywhere but next to my love at that moment, because I wanted him to tell me I'd be okay. But he was miles away and I was tired and so I just sat there with my cup of tea until it was cold and Simonn went to bed, and then on through the morning.
19 September 1622
I got a letter from Sigmun today, which happens many days but today he was writing back to me about my nightmares. He was sweet about it, like he is, and told me that he'd always be there for me. If Simonn's right he won't be and I hate to admit how much that scares me. I don't know what I'd do if they weren't here with me. I've just always had my little family around me. I don't know what I'm going to do when they're gone.
22 September 1622
We've mostly finished the business we can do here and so we're headed back to meet up with Sigmun and Dolora tomorrow. I'm glad; I don't like being away from them, even though I'm with Simonn.
I hope we have time before whatever's in Simonn's dreams comes to pass. I want more time with my family, and I'm afraid I won't get it.
I suppose…I'll always have them with me in my memories and all. But that doesn't change that when whatever it is happens, I won't fall asleep in my love's arms ever again.
24 September 1622
We're not stopping in towns this time-we're heading straight back to Sigmun and Dolora. It should take about two weeks, I think, fi we go fast and don't stop in any towns. It'd be nice to see my love and Dolora again. I worry about them both, even though Dolora would tell me not to worry, she's my mother and she ought to be worrying about me.
I hope Sigmun's voices aren't too cruel. I think they're cruel to him because he can be hard on himself, but I don't know how to persuade him to be kinder to himself. He never thinks he's done enough and it worries me. I know the world changes only when someone takes relentless action, but he's going to wear himself ragged this way. And with his voices and all…
I worry.
27 September 1622
I know it's terrible but I've been missing Sigmun as my best friend and as my husband and also as the only person I sleep with. Normally in the summer months when we can go out to the woods, we can find time at least a few times a week. I know it's terrible but I miss that, too.
Although, why should it be terrible? I love him and I want to sleep with him. I know I go back and forth on this. I wish I could just settle on this opinion and be happy with my married life this way.
Simonn and I have been talking as usual lately, and I feel guilty about being so jealous of his daughter, when he feels so guilty about leaving her behind. It's hard to talk to him sometimes when we're home, because of his daughter and Hannah and Sigmun and…everything.
30 September 1622
Every step takes me closer to the rest of my family and I can't wait to see them again. I don't think any three or two of us would do very well on our own, really. I know without them it wouldn't be long before my melancholy snuck back in my mind, like ink over paper. Without my family to talk to, to keep me here, I don't know how I'd control it-the melancholy.
I won't worry about that now. When we see them again, I'll kiss Sigmun and go out into the woods with him and tell him how much I love him and tell him the things he said help drown out his voices. I'll talk with Dolora and cook with her and learn from her and tell her how much it means to me that she raised me.
I have them right now. I can't worry about the future until it's here.