2 March 1623

Sigmun was up late last night around the fire, and so I sat down with him and asked him what was wrong.

"The voices…they scream at me. They keep saying I'm going to die. I'm going to die for this. They're telling me…I'm an idiot for thinking I can do this."

"You don't have to be afraid to die, Sigmun."

He looked up at me in confusion.

"But you also don't have to die."

More confusion.

I sat next to him and rested my arm around his shoulders. "You don't have to be a martyr to lead this to its end." I know that Simonn thinks we're going to die, but with the way his dreams have been…I think maybe we might just pull it off. But we'll never make it if Sigmun doesn't believe.

"The odds are that I will be, though." He can't know. He must just be afraid.

"But you don't have to be! You could keep on living. We don't have to resign ourselves to a sad ending. We can still make it to the end and live a happy, safe life. My love, you don't have to die!"

"Assume I do. What happens then?"

"We carry on!" I all but shouted. "Dolora and Simonn and I, we carry this to the end."

"No, I mean, what happens to you?"

I thought. "Truthfully?"

"Of course."

"A part of my heart dies, too. We all grieve and try to move on and fail. Dolora loses her son. Simonn loses one of his best friends. I lose you, and you've been my husband for almost nine years and my best friend for twenty-two. But you know what? We'll all live. I swear it."

"Promise me that."

"What?"

"That you'll keep living if I die. You won't…kill yourself."

I swallowed. "I swear it. On all our lives. But you have to, too."

"I swear it, too. On all our lives."

Nothing for a brief time.

"I don't want to die," he said, so quietly I could barely hear him.

"Of course not. No one does. As long as I can do anything about it, you won't. I can't make any promises, but…I will do everything I can to keep you safe."

"And I will too."

He leaned over to kiss me and there was this horrible feeling, like this might be the last time we ever kissed. I wanted him so badly in that moment to stay alive forever, right up to the day I die. I just hate the idea of losing him, of losing any of them. Even right now, before I put out this candle and go to the tent to sleep, I can't help but feel an ache inside as I recall the safety from sleeping on our bed at home, my baby asleep in his crib and my head resting on my love's chest to hear his heartbeat.

Not that I don't sleep comfortably next to him here, too, but I know I'm not safe. This isn't safe. It's sort of a complicated feeling. I want to make this world safe for everyone, no matter who they are. But to do that, I must compromise my own safety. I have no problem risking things for the sake of helping my family, my whole country. But I don't want to die.

I don't know why it's so cowardly to want to stay alive. I don't want to die. I want to stay alive. In all the books, it's cowardly to choose to live. I don't think martyrdom is the only way to be brave. I think living despite all the odds is just as brave as dying for your cause.

I just don't see what's so cowardly about life if that's the only thing people live for.

5 March 1623

We're in a new town and it's a Sunday, so a speech today as always. I've been sleeping better since Simonn hasn't been waking up, and I think that despite his relentless pessimism we've done something right. Heaven only knows what, but I think we're safe for a little while longer. I know when the times comes I'll want more time, because everyone does, but having more time right now, when my love and I have finally started to fix what's wrong, is such a blessing.

8 March 1623

I got him flowers today. It was just a little bouquet of wildflowers from the woods, but it made him smile and he kissed me on the cheek and told me he loved me. I try to tell him I love him as often as I can, and show him too, because we just can't do things the same way we used to.

12 March 1623

I met a woman named Esotte-not Iseult like the French story-today at lessons. She was very good at hunting and she shot a few squirrels for stew, because it's a Sunday again so of course we cook for everyone. It still exhausts me. I've slept through a couple of his speeches because I just get so tired. He says similar things every time, and anyways I can always ask him later if I want to.

15 March 1623

We leave tomorrow. This next town is the last town before we set the larger plan in motion. People are angry enough that they're ready to come with us to the city and tell the king how angry they are. I'm just…I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself. Of course I'm terrified, but I'm also excited. We're going to change things, I just know it!

17 March 1623

Candas has been doing lots of work in the palace lately, with the guards and all that. And I know Patrik doesn't really agree with us, even though he tries to understand. And Sumner just doesn't agree with the nonviolence of the thing. But people are on our side, and people are getting ready for the march on the city. The date's been set, too: the first of May. We'll spend April getting people gathered outside the city as inconspicuously as possible and planning.

As of right now, this is the plan: the march will begin at noon. We'll all gather outside the city, in the woods, around eleven. Then we'll march into the city, to the palace, picking up our city people as we go-sporadic letters from Rose Dolora won't let us read tell us people there are no happier than those in the villages. It turns out more people than expected want a voice in the government, when given the chance. Not all of them support the level of equality we're looking for, but establishing a government in which everyone has a voice is a step in the right direction. I hope once the new government's established, we can start making steps towards equality.

I wonder if people will want us to take a place in the government. I know that's how revolutions tend to work, but frankly I would not like to be in government. It's too much responsibility and too much power. I think Sigmun would be a good leader, and Dolora, and maybe Simonn (even if he gets grumpy sometimes). I'd rather not be in some position of great political power; it makes me anxious just to think about it. If I had to, I'd much rather deal with the social side of things; setting up programs for widows and widowers and orphans, talking with people on a personal level about equality, being diplomatic with the royals and nobles who will lose the status they've relied on for so long.

I don't know if I'm more afraid of succeeding or failing, sometimes.

20 March 1623

Sigmun and I were awake last night, all wrapped around each other like we do, and I asked him.

"If we succeed…if this works. Will you be the leader?"

"I think the people will have to decide. But I'd take the position if offered."

"I'm so scared of that."

"Why?"

"Having power is frightening!"

"I think you'd be good at it."

"Why do you say that?"

"You're fair, and you want to help people, and you're not inclined to abuse power."

"I think you'd be a better leader!"

He looked at me, questioning, and I added, "Because you're a natural. You know how to talk to people, how to appeal to people. How to set up systems and networks. You'd be a good leader."

"I reckon if we worked together-all of us-we'd be good leaders. We all have different talents, so we could all work together. I mean, that's the whole point of this!"

"Yes, I suppose." I sighed. "It's just never going to be the same. We'll never go back to living in that house in the woods with just us four and our little one and that town we were born in, the people we knew…we're never going to go back. And that makes me sad. Or something more complicated than that. Nostalgic perhaps?"

He nodded. "I know what you mean. I'm going to miss home. But there's no going back now."

I sighed and curled closer, resting my head on his chest so I could hear his heartbeat. It's always been a comfort to me to hear his heart beating, to know he's still there. "I'll always love you. No matter what happens."

"And I will always love you. When all is said and done, we'll still be married, and I'll still love you. Maybe we can adopt children someday, and maybe we'll lead the country, who knows. But we're still going to be a family."

"Of course. I hope we can adopt children someday, but…after all this."

Sigmun nodded, I think, and kissed the top of my head. "After all this. Goodnight, love."

"Goodnight, my love."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

24 March 1623

Today we got letters from some of the towns we left behind, and it looks like people are preparing to travel towards our given location. I'm quite excited! We've been working for a long time towards this, and it looks like it might come to fruition.

26 March 1623

After his speech today, when I was talking to people, a very familiar woman walked up to me and asked me if I remembered her.

"Etta? Oh my goodness! I-call me Disciple."

"Why?"

"For our hometown's safety," I said. "How have you been?"

"I've been alright. My mother…she passed away."

"I'm so sorry," I said.

"It's alright," she says. "It's been three years. I'm the seamstress in this town. My brother got married, and my father's doing alright. My brother and I take care of him. What about you?"

"I…well, you remember Si-Signless, who I was seeing. He's my husband now. We got married in June after you left, and we had a baby named Luke…he passed when he was fourteen months old."

"I'm so sorry," Etta said softly.

"Thank you," I said. "We…I can't have children. If we come out of this alive, we were hoping to adopt a little one."

"That sounds lovely," she said. "I see from all this you haven't changed much."

"You neither!" I said, laughing. "Have you been reading much?"

"When I can," she said. "I'm so busy these days. Although…" She smiled a little. "There's a man I've had my eye on. Oliver Mason. He's about my age, well-established and all, and he's a good man. Like yours, almost."

"Really! I'm glad for you."

"Well, if I get to thirty without marrying him, I'll be quite the old maid," she laughed. "But he seems to feel the same, right now. So we'll see."

"Best of luck," I said. "Is he here?"

"Of course," she said, laughing. "I'd never consider the kind of man who wouldn't be!"

"Indeed," I said. "You should come to the hunting lessons sometime, they're great fun."

"I think I will," Etta said.

"Then I'll see you tomorrow," I said. "I have to go prepare dinner."

"Alright, Di-Disciple."

I waved as I went off to hunt and help Dolora with the stew.

I'm glad to see Etta again. I think if she'd stayed in town we would've been close friends. I did miss her when she left, and I just hope she's happy here. I hope Oliver's good for her. I hope she's happy.

29 March 1623

I can't believe how soon it is! In just a little more than a month we'll be in the city, with Candas on our side and all. I just…I can't believe it.

I've been talking a lot with Etta, just catching up and all. I met her family and they seem very nice. I see how they raised someone like Etta.

31 March 1623

We're traveling home right now. We left this morning and we're heading home right now. I almost can't believe it. We haven't been home in ages, and not all together in…two years. Dolora and my love haven't been home in that long. We'll be home for most of April, sending letters and traveling around if we can-mostly day or two-day trips, maybe three at most.

It'll be nice to be home for a little bit. It'll be a break before we really get started.

Simonn hasn't had any dreams. We're going to be okay. I think we might just pull this off.