23 April 1630

I can't believe it's been seven years since I've written. It seems last time I wrote I dropped my journal down behind my desk and just…didn't think to look until now.

I've been…alright, I suppose. I've lost more weight than I'm sure is healthy for me, and I don't leave the house much, but I know Simonn and Dolora are still alive somewhere and so I've been looking for them as much as I can. Simonn must be somewhere in the palace, but I've been inside a few times and I'm never able to find him. I don't know where he could be, or what kind of work she's having him do with no eyes. (I dream about his face sometimes, screaming, holes for eyes and blood for tears.) And Mariek has taken to sailing, some sort of privateer I'm sure, and I know Dolora must be with her, but I've never been able to get on the ship when I hear about it and go to the city. I just want to help them.

I visit Sigmun's grave sometimes. I miss him so much it hurts, and I washed his cloak carefully and I keep it hung up by the door with Simonn's and Dolora's and my own. I guess I know it's not healthy but I'm afraid that if I put anything away it's going to mean that they're gone for good. I don't sleep so well these days without my love next to me, and I don't eat so much without someone reminding me to.

I need to find the rest of my family. They need to be okay.

26 April 1630

Mariek's ship was at the docks today, and I tried to get on board to find Dolora, but I didn't again. I don't know why I'm so awful at this. I just keep failing. I need to help her. I need to help him. I need to help them.

29 April 1630

I don't know what's wrong with me but there are times when for no reason at all my heart beats much too fast and I can hardly breathe and my neck prickles and all I can think of is that I'm going to die, and there's nothing I can do about-nothing at all. It's like I'm feeling everything I felt when my love died and Patrik was about to kill me, but there's nothing actually that scary, and without that strange calm I felt when I told him to shoot me. Afterwards I'm so tired I can't think and I just sleep for hours and hours.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I still drink my tea when I remember to, except I don't remember as often since I don't have anyone to remind me. And I don't have anyone to talk to like I used to when things were bad.

I don't know what to do.

2 May 1630

Mariek's boat was still at the docks today near the city, on the river, and so I followed her when she got off the boat carrying something large, and heavy I think. She went down to the river and lifted the sheet and it was Dolora, and she was dead. My throat seized up and I felt dizzy and I almost fainted, I think. My heart's beating too fast even now, thinking of it. She was so pale…so cold. She was dead…

I'm going to go to bed. I can't bear to be awake.

5 May 1630

I got out of bed today for a reason other than forcing myself to eat, which I suppose is progress. I don't know what to do. I know I should go try to find Simonn but I don't know if I have the energy to leave the house.

9 May 1630

I went to the palace today, driven by some desperate need to go look for Simonn. I don't know how he could live with no eyes-he can't read or write, hardly leave the house until I make a cane or something-but I can't imagine she's treating him well. I'm scared he's hurting.

I didn't find him. It may be time to send Patrik a letter, asking him to look into it. I hate him for what he did sometimes-or, I'm angry with him, at any rate. I just need to know if Simonn is still there, and how he is, and if I can get him out.

If it's a short letter and I don't let him think he can keep in touch with me, because I never want to see his face again, maybe it'll work.

11 May 1630

I wrote the letter today. It doesn't say much.

Dear Executioner,

I am writing you for one reason only: please tell me if Simonn is still alive, and if he is, where I can find him. Do not write me back for any other reason.

Disciple

I hope he can tell me.

15 May 1630

I'm going to bed after I write this probably for another five days. Patrik wrote me back and he told me that Simonn is dead.

I'm going to sleep. I don't want to be awake anymore.

20 May 1630

I got out of bed today, but I'm not sure why. I wasn't hungry, hardly thirsty at all. I just wandered around the house for a while, not thinking or doing anything.

I don't want to be here, but I don't know where I want to be.

24 May 1630

I don't think I'm attached to my body anymore. I float along beside it, but it's not really mine. It's not the same body I had before all this. I know that sounds absurd, but it doesn't feel like it's mine anymore.

Everything hurts, and nothing does.

I'm going to sleep again.

27 May 1630

I swore to my love I wouldn't. But I don't know how much longer I can take this. Everything hurts all the time and I want to cry but I'm cold and numb and nothing hurts because I can't feel anything at all. If I die…if I die, I'll see them again. I'll hold them again.

I really hope I'm good enough to go to heaven when I die. I'm not sure I believe in hell, but I'm so scared that even after I die I won't get to see them again when that's the only thing holding me together.

31 May 1630

I don't know what to do. I can hardly move.

Sometimes I'm so furious with Candas and her lot that I could scream. She betrayed us. She killed two of the people I love the most and let another die. She would've killed me if I hadn't run. I'm so angry with her!

3 June 1630

I think Candas deserves to die. I can get into the palace. I can shoot an arrow fairly accurately. Why shouldn't I kill her? I'm sure I'm damned already, and she killed my family. Why shouldn't I sneak into the palace and kill her?

6 June 1630

I've been practicing my shooting with a target I carved in a tree near the garden. My aim isn't the best after years of living off the garden and whatever gets caught in my traps, but I'm practicing. I'll get better, and then she'll know what she did.

10 June 1630

My aim is improving. I've been eating a little more because I'm actually doing things, and I feel like the anger has gone cold and icy. It doesn't make me want to scream anymore. Now I want to see Candas die. It's not fair, what she did.

I think I might go for Orvill and Grantt after her. Grantt's always frightened me and Orvill isn't exactly my best friend these days. They played their part; I don't see why they should be allowed forgiveness.

12 June 1630

Today is our anniversary. It's been eighteen years since the first time we kissed, fourteen since we were married.

I miss him so much.

15 June 1630

My hands shake when I hold my bow these days, and I don't know why. Maybe I'm having second thoughts?

I don't know how I'll get to her. I can get in the palace, but I don't know how I can get close enough to be sure I'll hit her. I don't want her to suffer as much as my love did, but I want her to die.

I want to shoot her right in the heart. After all, she's heartless.

18 June 1630

Today would've been Simonn's thirty-fifth birthday. I wonder if he knows that, wherever he is now. I wonder how old he is there. I wonder if he's happy. I wonder if he's warm and safe, reading Principia on the couch in the living room while sipping tea with a little sugar from his favorite mug. I wonder if he's making jokes about the proportionality of force to mass to my love, telling him how the force of our rebellion was proportional to how many people we had. I wonder if he knows what's happened to me.

I wonder what he thinks of what I'm about to do.

20 June 1630

I've lost a lot of weight and I don't like how I look in the mirror anymore. I took down the mirror in our old room because I can't stand to see myself anymore. I'm so thin I can count my ribs. It's not good for me, but I'm never hungry anymore. Anyways, no one sees me anymore. I'm not sure I've spoken to another person in years. I don't go into town for anything, not even church (except Christmas and Easter, but even then wearing a cloak with the hood pulled low over my face).

I wonder if my love would still tell me I'm lovely this way.

Somehow I doubt it.

23 June 1630

My aim's been getting much better, but I still don't know if I'm precise enough to kill her with one shot. As soon as she dies I'm sure I will too, so I have one shot to kill her.

This is a handy way to keep my promise to my love. I won't die by my own hand, but I will end my miserable life and get to see them in the next one. Maybe my baby Luke will be there, too, and I can be the mother to him I want to be.

I'm not sure I ever wanted children the way I ought to, but I love Luke with all my heart. It's been almost twelve years.

26 June 1630

I got into the palace today and started examining the way the guards do what they do, to see how best to sneak around them. It's not difficult to sneak in through the servant's quarters, because no one looks twice at the servants, but they mostly know each other so I still have to be careful.

Although none of them knew Simonn. You'd expect they'd remember him if only for his…lack of eyes. I don't know what she could have possibly wanted with him, anyways. Unless she knew about his dreams.

I hope she didn't know about his dreams. They terrify him, and I'm afraid of what she might do to try to induce them. Maybe it's for the better that he's dead. She can't hurt him anymore wherever he is now.

30 June 1630

I had a terrible nightmare last night of the dungeons. I have nightmares when I'm awake sometimes these days, with those awful moments of total panic. The one last night was…well, I don't remember what happened, but it was so horrible I woke up screaming and sobbing and I reached for my love and he wasn't there and that just made it all worse, because it wasn't just a dream.

I used to have nightmares that they'd abandon me. Now they're gone and even though they didn't abandon me, they're never going to come back. I can't gain comfort from their presence, because they're not present.

They're gone.