A/N: Warnings for intense suicidal ideation and attempted suicide, depression and PTSD, loneliness, and religion.

1 November 1630

All Saints' today. I didn't go into the village, but I made myself a nice stew and imagined my favorite dance song, remember the times my love and I danced around the town square with everyone else while Mr. Jacobson played his fiddle.

I wonder who plays the fiddle now. Mr. Jacobson must be very old. Maybe Mrs. Tophman plays, or even Neolla. I know Neolla was learning when we were younger, but she was learning with Mr. Jacobson's fiddle and I don't know where she'd get one of her own.

It would be nice to play the fiddle.

6 November 1630

I go out without a cloak these days to go hunting and while it's miserable, it doesn't seem to be having the noticeable effect on my health I was hoping for. I'm not dying yet, much as I'd like to be. How hard can it be to die? I thought bodies were fragile, to be protected. Dolora always had little things to do to make sure your body didn't collapse before you were quite done with it. How hard can it be to make mine give up when I don't want it to work at all anymore?

11 November 1623

I could try poison.

14 November 1630

I tried to take some aloe yesterday but it obviously didn't kill me. It hurt much more than I thought it would, and I was sick all over the floor in the kitchen, and I only just managed to get out of bed for how much it hurt. It hurt so badly. My skin itches, too.

I tried.

19 November 1630

Everything hurts these days. My head just hurts all the time. It's like a pounding, like I can hear my heartbeat every moment I'm awake. And I've been having these awful nightmares, like I always have, but every night and instead of waking up screaming I wake up paralyzed, unable to move. I feel someone sitting on my chest, or sneaking around my room, but once I'm fully awake I see there's no one and nothing.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

25 November 1630

I shouldn't do it. I should try to pull myself out of this awful mess of feelings. I should write about how I feel and handle all the awful things I feel and get better.

I'm going to try. I'm actually going to try this time. I swore to my love I wouldn't do it. I won't. I'm going to be better. I'm going to be okay.

29 November 1630

I went into the village today. I had my hood pulled over my face so no one could recognize me and bought a few things to eat. I ate better for dinner tonight than I have in years. I wasn't really hungry, but I made myself eat.

I don't feel better yet.

Maybe it'll take a while.

1 December 1630

Today is the first Sunday of Advent, hope. I don't know if I believe much in God or religion or whoever created the world, but I want to. I've tried praying lately. Sometimes I feel calmer and better afterwards, but sometimes I feel worse because I'm terrified no one is listening.

But I've been drinking my tea more regularly, and I think it might be helping. My St. John's wort tea doesn't taste delicious (hardly tolerable), but it helped with the melancholy before and I'm sure it can again.

I hope so.

5 December 1630

I slept better last night than I have in a while.

I feel okay. Completely numb inside, but also not as awful as usual. I wish I knew what's wrong with me. I wish I wasn't completely numb all the time. I wish I didn't hurt so much.

8 December 1630

I woke up today and got out of bed and made bread. I kneaded and let it rise an extra time like Dolora taught me and ate half the loaf for lunch.

If I feel this good tomorrow, I'll have to go into town and ask the new mason to do my family's gravestones.

11 December 1630

I suppose I overestimated the level of energy it should take to get out of bed and bake bread considering I've been doing both most of my life. I think I also underestimated how much energy it takes me to go to the village and talk to someone about my family's deaths. I tried yesterday but I only got halfway there before I was so exhausted I just turned around and went home.

I don't know why I'm so tired.

14 December 1630

I need to decide what to write on their headstones. I want to pick verses for them, but I don't know what they would've wanted. I suppose I should get my Bible out again, after all these years. I may pray sometimes, but I haven't read the Bible in years.

15 December 1623

Sigmun Vantas, 14 July 1595-16 April 1623

Beloved husband, father, son, and friend

"For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." -John 3:17

Dolora Maryam, 21 September 1580-2 May 1630

Much loved mother and dear friend

"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."-Matthew 11:28

Simonn Peter Captor, 18 June 1595-15 May 1630

Dearly loved father, son, brother, husband, and friend

"But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you."-Luke 6:27

18 December 1630

After three more days of gathering my strength, I made it into town today and asked the mason to make the gravestones. It cost a good portion of our savings, but I don't use money for anything these days, really. The stonemason from my childhood passed about four years ago, and this fellow had never met my family, so he didn't ask questions about the graves. I told him I would be back in a month and then I'd take them home. He seemed confused, but didn't ask.

I buried my love in the clearing with the forget-me-nots, and I'll put Dolora and Simonn's gravestones there, too. They should be together, with Luke, too.

I won't be buried there. I'm not sure I'll be buried at all.

22 December 1630

Christmas is coming up. I suppose I'll go into town like I do, to go to church of course, but I don't think I'll stay for the festival. Someone might recognize me and they might try to fight me or they might hurt me and I'm scared. I'm not sure I could bear to talk to anyone I knew from my old life.

25 December 1630

I went to church today but came home and just ate dinner on my own. I hate eating at my table because there's three empty chairs where my family used to sit, and I can't bring myself to sit anywhere besides where I've always sat.

The whole house is too empty. Dolora's house was always big and fancy compared to everyone else's, but at least people lived there when I was a child. It felt lived-in.

I'd be happy in the moldiest, leakiest hut in the village if my family was with me right now.

28 December 1630

New Year's is in a few days. I don't know if I should resolve something. It took all my energy to have my family's headstones made. I'm not sure I can resolve to do much of anything. I might need more energy to resolve something than to do it.

31 December 1630

I'll think one good thing a day. That's my resolution.

1 January 1631

Today I thought about how nice the snow looks when it's first fallen. It looks like newness. It looks lovely.

I suppose I feel a little better. I've been drinking my tea every day like I used to and sometimes I don't feel completely numb, but the emotions I do feel are mostly sadness. I'm not sure I've smiled in…years, at least. I haven't laughed in at least that long. There's nothing to laugh about.

4 January 1630

It's hard to remember to think something good every day. Sometimes I try something about my family, but when I think about them I starting crying again. Mostly I have to pick something about a book or the garden or the forest, because anything else hurts. Sometimes the garden hurts because it was Dolora's garden, and the forest hurts because I played there as a child with my best friends, and so many books hurt because they're tied to happier memories.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

8 January 1631

I went to their clearing today. There was snow everywhere, but I could find their gravestones this time so I climbed a couple branches up a tree and sat there for a while, talking to them sometimes but mostly just sitting in the quiet while the snow fell.

I feel like they're still with me when I do this. I know it's mad, but it makes me feel better.

11 January 1631

It snowed again today, and it was beautiful. When it snows at night I like to light a candle and watch out the window as the snow tumbles down from the sky.

14 January 1631

I used to pretend snowflakes were made by angels in heaven as gifts for people on Earth, when I was a child. I think I remember being that whimsical and imaginative, but I haven't been like that in a while.

I want to have an imagination like that again. I want to be that creative again.

18 January 1631

I thought today about how I like the color of my eyes. It was hard to think about for more than a few minutes, but I managed.

I just want my family back. My love, he'd tell me he thought I was brilliant and wonderful and beautiful, and it didn't feel so hard to like myself.

23 January 1631

I'm glad no one else will ever read this, because I need to write about this. I don't…I haven't felt that wanting I used to feel before, when I was a young adult and first growing into my adult body. There was a time when every night I wanted him, a time before we were married when kissing him drove me mad. But these days…nothing. I haven't felt that wanting in years.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

27 January 1631

Today I thought about how much I like one of my old romance novels, one in German. I thought about how I like the main woman character-she has a whole life of her own outside her love interest.

31 January 1631

I went into the village today and bought a new book. I haven't done that in years.

2 February 1631

I tried praying today and I felt a little better for it. I'm not sure why. Sometimes after I pray I feel worse, or just the same, but today I felt better.

Maybe I'm losing my mind.

5 February 1630

The snow is melting a little, and it makes the river look a little less dried up, and the creek flowed just a little. The creek's been completely dry since 1626. But the snowmelt today made it look like it's flowing.

I miss that.

9 February 1630

It was freezing today. I don't do much these days besides hunt when I need to, cook, and various other chores. Sometimes I knit, and I've been thinking of leaving hats and socks and things around town for people who are cold and can't make their own. It's some way to help when I can't do anything else.

14 February 1630

I slept for most of today but when I woke up I felt a little better. Sometimes I smile, these days, when I read a book I like.

I think I'll be alright.

17 February 1630

I couldn't eat today. I wasn't hungry. I felt nauseous all day. I thought I was better but I suppose not. Maybe I'm just destined to feel awful. Maybe I deserve this.

21 February 1630

I think maybe I should…I swore my love I wouldn't, and I told myself I would stop and feel better and do better, but I…I'm not sure. Maybe I should. Maybe this is what I deserve.

23 February 1630

Maybe when the snowmelt finishes flooding the river I can jump into it. Last time I fell in the river and almost drowned I just remember shapes and colors. If I wasn't fighting it, it might not've hurt so much.

27 February 1630

More snowmelt in the river today, but I don't know if it'll flood enough to kill me without me trying. I don't have the energy to try; I just want to be gone. I want to be in the next life with everyone I hold dear. I want to not be here.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be who I am, in the body I am in. I want to be gone.

I want to be gone.