A/N: Warnings for suicidal ideation, attempted suicide, depression and PTSD, nightmares, and quite the cliffhanger.

1 March 1631

I go back and forth: should I or shouldn't I? I want to, but I swore I wouldn't.

5 March 1631

I tried to jump off the bridge again today and I don't know why because last time it didn't work but this time I wanted it to, I wanted it to so badly. I just twisted my ankle again and it hurts but I made it back fine so I suppose I can't be too hurt.

Why can't I just die?

8 March 1631

I was thinking of using poison, but I would want to be sure that it would work. I don't want to feel so sick as I did last time. That was awful.

10 March 1631

I have days sometimes when I don't want to die but I want more than anything else to be gone. I don't want to…to do it, sometimes, but I want so badly to not be here.

I can't explain it. It's just so terrible.

13 March 1631

I want to give all my things to people who will need them, but I'm not sure anyone would take things from me. And I'm not sure I trust the church to give what I have to those in need.

My home is on the outskirts of town. Maybe I can leave it as a place for people who need somewhere to stay. It can be a place for some girl like me who has to leave her home. A safe place for her to grow up.

17 March 1631

I don't know where I should go to die. Part of me wants to die in that clearing where my family is memorialized because they'll be around me when I die, and part of me just wants to be in my home.

I suppose it'll become clearer to me when I have whatever it is in my hands.

20 March 1631

Sometimes I don't have relentless nightmares. Once in a while (like last night) I have beautiful dreams about the lives I loved-when we were young and in love and not even married yet, when my little Luke was alive, when we were fighting across the country for what matters. When my family was alive. When things were alright.

I'll never have that back. There is not next phase of my life. This is it.

24 March 1631

Maybe this is why I couldn't have children. It's because of what I'm about to do, early punishment for a crime only God could've known I'd commit. I'm not always sure I believe in God, and heaven knows I don't believe divine right of kings for a second, but sometimes I know someone must be watching because of things like this.

I keep praying for forgiveness, but nothing seems to come of it. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe I'm unforgivable.

28 March 1631

I had the most terrible nightmare last night. I don't know why I wake up these days paralyzed. I almost preferred screaming, because then I knew my body knew how to be afraid. I'm not sure it does these days.

31 March 1631

I'll need to go into the village if I'm committed to this course of action. I have nothing in my home that will work, unless I drink myself to death with the ancient wine Dolora used to have for holidays. No one in my family ever drank much, but they'd have some. And Dolora used it when people were in a lot of pain and she had to stitch them up.

Anyways, I could drink. I haven't ever, but maybe now's the time.

3 April 1631

I was so drunk I could hardly move but I didn't die. I just threw up and hurt all over and woke up with a terrible headache and a dry mouth.

I felt awful.

Next time I feel that awful I hope at last I die for the effort.

5 April 1631

I went through an old book today, one of Dolora's, and I found all the poisons. One of the worst ones seems to be mistletoe. I'll buy some of that in the market, from the apothecary in town. He's not nearly as good as Dolora was, but he has what I need. I'll buy some and then come home and die.

I'll go the clearing. No one will have to find my body that way.

8 April 1631

I need the energy to go into town if I want to die. What a hell of a paradox.

11 April 1631

I'll go in a few days. I've been trying to eat more so I have the energy to go into town-to do anything, really, besides lie in bed and sometimes read something.

I need to do something.

15 April 1631

I'll do it tomorrow. It's the day my family died, so why shouldn't it be the day I die? Maybe if I do this they'll be there waiting for me. Maybe, in some divine, miraculous twist, I'll end up in heaven with them. Maybe I'll see my baby and my love and my real mother and my best friend once more.

Or maybe not.

Either way, at least I'll know.

16 April 1631

I must be out of my mind.

17 April 1631

I have to take care of her. She has no one else.

18 April 1631

What have I done?