AN: There's a new beta in the game now. Aereul's schedule has gotten too busy and a new player has stepped in. YAY.
She wishes to stay anonymous for the time being.
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Chapter 19: Bucky Barnes - Cinnamon Bun
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Forty years….
Forty years….
Forty years….
But I was already a monster by then. Didn't even have the brains to think of leaving. A thoughtless weapon….
Forty years….
"Can't un-know things, so be careful what you ask."
If I didn't ask… I wouldn't have known.
A snap of a twig had me glancing at the town from my perfect vantage point perched on a branch. A skunk tripping face first into the dirt.
Another quick sweep of the surroundings and my eyes returned to the star littered skies. It hasn't changed. At least not enough to feel unfamiliar. There may have been more. There may have been less. But not so vastly different as everything else in this world.
I could feel the warmth of a fire on my skin. On my face. Even if it was a cool breeze that surrounded me.
I could barely hear the words chattering in my head. With my own voice.
"…ee that cluster of stars in Taurus, Ste – "
"There he goes again," a gruff voice I knew I should know but….
"So what about those seven stars, Bucky?" another familiar voice. One that left an empty hole when I couldn't find a face to go with it….
"That's Pleiades. Sailors use it back in…."
The memory of faceless voices faded. Not even searching out the stars mentioned could fill in the blanks.
Stretching out my stiff muscles, I dropped to the dirt below and headed towards the town. Holding down the button on the earbud.
Fifteen minutes left to find the hat I stole and Valeriy's hair, as per orders.
"Northwest by west. 1.1 Kilometers. She's settled there for the night."
Just as I was about to end the call, I dropped my hand and asked, "There was a boy…. Early twenties. Could be late teens. April sixth. Is he…?"
"One of mine? He is and is an adult. Had him step in from observations when you weren't eating, and he was the one to slip the jammer into your arm."
"…How?"
I had the arm covered the whole time. Hid it from everyone. Had to hide it. I'd know if something made its way under the plates. Would have… felt it.
"I don't have footage of it."
"…How long have you been planning to use me?"
"Since the moment I found out about you, and it wasn't so much as using until I heard whispers about something happening with Val. I would rather you an ally than an enemy, Mr. Barnes. We don't mean you any harm."
"If you found me earlier…."
'Forty years ago….'
"Maybe all those people would be alive…."
"The ones Hydra made you killed? No, I doubt they'd still be kicking. They would have found another way to end them. Methods that might not be as cleanly done as the Winter Soldier legend."
"Clean?" I spat out.
There's nothing clean about it.
"Minimal causalities. So you're a relatively clean method. Assassinations can get messy at times. Especially in the form of explosives."
"…." Resisting the urge to scream or violently deal with whatever was stuck tugging inside me, I changed the topic. "Why is it that you wanted me away from Valeriy the night before Hydra showed up?"
The night she let me see their headquarters in Geneva, Switzerland. The statue of me in the courtyard. The news article about a little girl being lost.
"…My main concern was, and is again, getting you to my father in some semblance of safe. Though you and Val threw a monkey wrench into that plan. I can't risk him going AWOL on us. Almost lost him to the Alps last time."
"…Digging in the snow?"
"Yup. In his underwear."
'That wasn't an exaggeration?' That story was outlandish.
"I take it that Val told you about Father's obsession with you? She can't risk him leaving the Genevan Headquarters either. When she comes out of hiding to search for her grandfather, she won't be so lucky. They will find her."
"Don't you have more than enough resources to find one old man? She doesn't need to come out of hiding."
"…Maybe…."
'How hard can it be to find one old man…?'
"Wouldn't you come out of hiding for your captain?"
"…."
My head hurt entertaining the thought. Everything hurt. Nothing made sense inside. Too much going on. Need. Fear. Panic. Stress. Memories almost in reach, but not quite close enough.
"You may not understand why, but it's not hard to come to such a conclusion, Mr. Barnes. I'm willing to bet that he was the reason you managed to break Hydra's programing. Coupled that with the fact that you have a perchance of saving basically strangers…. Well, you still are taking on unnecessary risks. You could be in Geneva now, living like a king. Instead, here you are."
The life they all peddled. It sounded impossible. It couldn't be true. Too good to be true.
But then…
"I have the… the money."
'If I only had this sooner.'
For what? I couldn't figure out. No matter how long I thought about it. It only unsettled me more and more. Sooner might have been decades ago.
"It's not what it was back in the forties. Inflation is a bitch. But it's still more than most people have…. Look, I figured you'd likely have a habit of getting violent after dealing with Hydra. I don't want Val to be a casualty of it."
"…I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to hurt anybody. I've caused enough pain."
"True. But you have no way to guarantee that."
Her words stopped me in my tracks. Like a knife twisting in my gut. Had no arguments against that. It's true… and only a matter of time….
"But that's just a small worry of mine. The two of you bring out some… of the dumber sides in each other. Both of you almost went charging head first into Hydra to buy the other some chance…. It worries me to leave the two of you alone. Even if it's just a couple of days."
"What?"
"I've already automated the bracelet to wake you when your body's readings are similar to when you're having a nightmare. It'll also notify you and Val if you're too… stressed. Val has your burner phone. Keep it with you at all times in the case that you wander off or Val is taken. If the two you end up fifteen Kilometers away from each other, it'll activate the mic and speakers on both ends. You can still call me if needed, I suggest to keep communications to a minimum, if any."
"You're not going to be watching?"
"I won't even be listening."
I broke out into a run, racing for Valeriy. She didn't do well without the A.I. ghost. She froze with Hydra. She could be curled up behind the shirts in the closet, terrified and alone.
"There's no need to rush, Mr. Barnes. My support ends when you leave Marathon. There are a few locations where Val can hide in Canada. The less I know as to her whereabouts, the better until she reaches one of them."
"Does she know this? That you're leaving her alone?"
"This was her idea. Though a downside is if she's taken, I won't know until it's far too late or they contact us. That is if they do…."
I skidded to a stop outside of a gathering of small buildings on wheels. Campfires by 9 of them. Surrounded by chairs and people. 28 adults. 23 children. Two groups watched a television mounted on the side of the vehicles. Breaking out into jeers and cheers at random intervals. 6 groups held sticks into the flames. Something charring at the end of each stick.
My ears picked up a familiar voice nearby. Muffled from being inside one of the vehicles. A large one painted black with silver flames. The voice of Valeriy's friend.
" – don't come crying to me! Not that you'd have the brains left to figure out how much shit you'd be in! I don't know if I can undo this! I've spent all these years stalling 'cause I can't figure it out!"
"That's okay," Valeriy's voice assured. Sounding just as exhausted as this morning.
"If I do this… they'll likely have the information they need."
"At least we get some use out of this?"
"You of all people should be the last to ask this of me."
"Only a matter of time, Amber…. Let me chose when."
"You can't honestly be alright with this."
"I had a month to stew on it. Had much longer to come to terms with it…?"
"…Fine. I'll take a look. If something can be done, I'll do it…."
"Thanks."
"…I have the symposium to pack for. Bye."
"Have fun – 'kay…? Bye…."
A slam sounded from inside. The kind that was usually followed by the A.I. ghost nagging about how the laptop wasn't indestructible. Only no words were exchanged between the two. For minutes on end.
I found myself staring at the door. Unable to move my feet closer. Wondering if I should enter.
A jingle played on her phone and with another harsh sound, a mechanical hum filled the air around a window near the middle. The blackout curtain next to the door lifting up to reveal a young woman seated by a small table.
A different face. But that was Valeriy's hair. Smoothed out from the small waves. And the hat held in her hands. Her gray eyes staring down at it. As if it were a world away.
A small smile played on her lips. "…Yeah… I can be alright with this," she muttered to herself, placing the hat by the window. Resting her head on her arm, she poked at her phone. Judging by the light under her hand. "Hey Eve, Bucky checked in yet?"
"I believe he has."
With that, she shut the curtain and a sheet smacked against it. Likely the disguise she wore. I couldn't hear any movements. So that left her right next to the door.
I had the option of going inside this eye catching monstrosity or spending more time in the surrounding forest. More time to my thoughts.
Before anyone could spot me, I lifted the metal hand and knocked. In the case that she was armed. Hopefully it's enough to let her know it's me.
"It's unlocked, Bucky," she responded.
Carefully, I pulled at the handle. My mind screaming at me to run for it. Not to step into this eyesore for not blending in.
"Hi," Valeriy greeted in a small voice, spinning to face me from the barstool she sat on.
Nerves stained her every movement. The smile. The posture. Right down to a calculated wave for me to come inside.
"How are…? Umm… I'm sorry…."
I flicked the lock behind me, making my way up the steps. Partially led by my nose and a meaty sweet smell that permeated the room.
My eyes caught sight of the revolver seated on the other barstool. Had to catch myself from stopping the thread pulling her hands were focused on.
"Stop blaming your – This is the opposite of blending in," I snarled, staring down the long length to the very back.
The inside was worse than the outside. Lavish. Everything was lavish. More so than the A.I. ghost's house in D.C.. Black leather. Shining silver. Spotless glass. White floorboards. Not a scuff on them.
Everything that had me reaching for the muddy boots on my feet. Automatically untying the knots. Couldn't dirty the floor. Scuffing them was wors –
"It's pretty perfect for hiding from Hydra?" she offered with a shrug.
No. No, it wouldn't. This demanded attention. Something churned in my gut, screaming at me to run. Get away from this thing before they came crashing through the windows.
Instead, here I stood with the boots undone. My feet still stuffed in them. I didn't want to take them off. Faster to run with them still on my feet if something were to happen.
A ding made both of us jump.
Valeriy lightly hobbled her way down the hall. The metal cast around her lower left leg clicked against the floorboards with every other step. "Got you some barbeque? Eve told me to start warming it up some time ago. Pretty good timing, huh?"
"…Too good. She…." Helplessly, I waved at the air towards the ceiling.
"…I'm sorry."
"I didn't even know that I was coming in until after I knocked…. But she… she…."
"I'm sorry."
"Stop saying that! It's not your fault!" I snapped, watching her flinch just the slightest. "How the hell could she know?"
"It's my job to know, Mr. Barnes."
I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck standing up at that voice on the speakers. My muscles tensed. Ready for a fight. Only thing was… there was nothing I could even punch when it came to the A.I. ghost.
"My ability to predict events are basically unparalleled. Besides, you're hungry."
That was when my stomach made itself known with a loud grumble.
"Play nice, Eve," Valeriy chided, opening the oven and filling the space with the mouth-watering scent. "I'm sorry about her, Bucky. She played you. She's only this accurate when she's pulling a bunch of strings."
"Just harmless fun."
"Eve, no. Just don't. Not with him. Bucky? Take as much as you want. I'll be right here. Hat and hair – "
"I…."
I kicked off the boots, racing to the careless woman as fast as I could. The metal hand taking the hot tray of food from hers. The moment the cast heated too much, she'll burn with no way to remove it before her skin melts.
Shove head into oven. Slam door closed. Target incapacitated.
"Where are the oven mitts?" I questioned, looking around. Opening up drawers. Polished silver wear. Everything looked expensive in here.
"Don't know," she shrugged off, going back to the table.
I managed to find a silicon mat and settled down at the table, picking at the tinfoil wrapped packages. "All this. It flamboyant. They'll find us."
"Ehh…. I doubt it? It's good cover," Valeriy stated and sat on the stool next to me. Eyes darting to the laptop screen full of camera footage of the area around this massive thing. "Just hear me out for a bit, Bucky? They expect you to blend in, right? That involves stuff like not being anything memorable so people would forget ever meeting you. No bright colors. Nothing that attracts the eye. Why not use that against them?"
"By traveling in this thing?" I huffed.
This was a horrible idea.
But the food wasn't.
The sauce soaked chicken wings packed a fiery punch to the tongue. Stinging slightly. Even my lips were tingling.
The mashed potatoes a calming light fluff in my mouth.
The fries a crispy crunch. Different from the frozen ones from the house.
The ribs fell off the bone. Covered in sweet, slightly spicy sauce not unlike the sandwiches from that park.
"Yeah?" Valeriy responded in a light tone. "The last place they'd expect you to be is in their faces. Well, passively in their faces. Probably expecting some vengeful actions…. Either way, it's a blind spot that they've created and Eve's been adding to it with false leads about you. All that's left for us to do is to control what people remember. So long as they don't you remember as the person in the new reel, we're good? Better to give them something else to remember you as. Like a bridesmaid?"
I swallowed the mouthful of meat and took a long drink from the glass of water she offered. "I can't believe that worked…."
"…I can't believe he bought the vodka gun…."
I gave a nod, motioning to the fries. The fries the young woman's been eyeing since the moment they were unwrapped.
"Thanks but nah. Too lazy to brush my teeth again," Valeriy laughed. "There's a bunch desserts in the fridge too. I… uhh may have taken a bite of out of all of them…? If you don't like something, don't bother finishing it."
'…That'd be wasteful,' I found myself thinking without really understand why.
"…What am I supposed to be this time?" I asked, trying to shake off the thought.
"The guy who rented out this multimillion dollar thingy out and created the…." Valeriy plucked a tablet from a pile of stuff and after a few seconds, held it out to me. "Jewel… Monster...? It's a rather popular mobile game, I guess? Sorry, your head's going to be filled info on the game to sell your cover well. It's the best one we could think of that'd have any quirks and oddities swept under the eccentric geek rug?"
"What about you? What are you going to be?"
"The flavor of the week?"
That's upsetting to hear. I had no idea what it meant but…
"I don't like the sound of that."
"I can pretend to be your P.A. or something? The person who does everything for you and herd you from place to place. Kind of like a human version of Eve?"
"I'm insulted. I do so much more than a P.A.'s job description and there's no way you're able to do my job as well as I can."
"Not like you can do mine as bloody well as me either."
"…You don't have my chains to work around."
"Let's not argue tonight?" I suggested, and as usual, the two of them fell completely silent.
As much as this plan of theirs went against all my instincts, I could see the logic behind it. This wasn't their first attempt at such of thing. We weren't caught at the border.
The A.I. ghost's people… her puppets, they interacted with me and I didn't suspect a thing. I remembered them. But not as what they were, only what they pretended to be until I was told otherwise….
A glance to the side, and I caught sight of Valeriy nodding off. Head balanced on her palm, looking as if she was reading off the laptop. Except for the fact that she kept catching herself from falling over every few seconds. That and the screen had turned black.
"You should sleep?"
"Sorry, I believe I misheard the question," she responded automatically. Spine straightening up. Eyes darting to me and narrowing a tad. "…This isn't class…."
"Sleep. You need the rest."
"…Yeah. 'Kay. I could use the rest."
I followed after her in the case that she passes out on her way. She's been awake for 23.5 hours straight. Most of the time spent working on one thing or another.
Slam head into doorknob. Target incapacitated.
The bedroom was massive for something on wheels. The bed practically filling the space and completely buried under pillows. A little pathway at the foot of the bed led to the open bathroom at the back. A large glass shower and a fancy bowl for a sink.
All of it looked so expensive and breakable to the point I couldn't help but take a step back to the other side of the bedroom door. Couldn't do anything wrong in there if I wasn't inside.
"Where… bathroom… door…?"
"Yeah… no door," Valeriy said with a shrug.
"It's glass…. Why is it glass?"
"The shower? Yeah. Thought there'd be a switch for the frosted glass thingy? But I couldn't find it… and there's nothing hooked up to the glass to do that…. Probably some honeymoon thing?"
"Why is the mirror angled so the shower can be seen down the whole length of the hall?"
Another shrug of her shoulders.
"To watch a person shower? It is a fetish thingy…. Oh hell no. I know who owns this thing. Eve!? Please tell me everything's been sanitized at least… I don't know? Fifty fucking times?"
"I'm not dumb."
"Who does this belong to?" I asked. Unable to look away from the reflection of the shower. A lot bigger and fancier than I had expected.
"Some C.E.O. of an energy company?"
"And you know he likes to watch people… shower?"
"Yup…. I know weird shit about random ass people. I really fucking wish I don't…. So, sleeping arrangements. We have the option of sharing the bed, which is massive. Or I take the couch if you're uncomfortable with that notion."
'I'm uncomfortable with both of those notions.'
The first wasn't an option. The second was bad. The couch was far too close to the door. It's the second thing a person would see coming into this vehicle. The bedroom would provide more of a warning. Had more places to hide.
"I'll take the couch."
"You don't fit on the couch. I barely fit on the couch, Bucky.
"…Take the bed. I'll figure something out."
"We can both flop about on the bed and never touch each other."
I merely nodded, turning away. "I'm going to finish eating."
"There's a bunch of food in the fridge and freezer. Anything you don't finish just wrap up and stick it in the fridge?"
I managed two steps before she called out.
"And Bucky?"
"Hmmm?"
Valeriy opened one of the many cabinet doors in the room and pulled out two bags. From the sounds it made as she placed them on the floorboards, they were the ones with weapons in them.
"Mind hiding these all over this thing and telling me where? In case things goes a little sideways on us… and so I don't blow a hole in myself…."
That made the twisting in my gut lessen just the slightest. "I can do that."
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I wish I could leave the motorhome. But I was scared. Scared to leave. To be seen leaving. Even with the cuttlefish octopus skin based mask on.
I couldn't risk it.
So I just sat at the table. Laptop in front of me. Moving the cameras however I could to see as much as I can. 42 bodies loitering about at 0823. None of them armed. None of them familiar.
"…Bucky?"
Grab Five-seveN taped to the bottom of the table. Shoot between the eyes. Target incapacitated.
I spun around and found Valeriy meandering her way towards the front while hiding a yawn behind her hand.
"Something sure smells scrumptious… Are those…?" she said before keeling over in laughter. "Fuck. Laughing. Bad." But she couldn't stop.
With a frown, I walked to the kitchen area. I peered through the oven window and found nothing laughable. The cinnamon buns were almost done baking. Rose to look like the picture on the tube. Minus the icing. That was still in the container.
"Of all the things you could have picked in the fridge, Bucky," she said, wiping her eyes. Finally finished rolling around on the floorboards.
"Was I not supposed to make these?" I asked, feeling my gut twist and flop.
Valeriy shook her head with a grin. "You have a code name among us. Cinnamon Bun. It's what you ordered practically any time you visited Marshmallow's shop with Gramps. Or at least that's how the stories go?"
"Oh…."
'Is that why this smells so familiar?'
Looked familiar too.
Checking on the buns again, I spotted some charring and turned off the oven. Wrapping a kitchen rag around my hand before pulling the tray out. Couldn't trust the other hand not twitch and send everything to the floor.
"Mmmmm, smells so good," Valeriy hummed, sliding into the space next to me.
"It needs to cool down."
Every breath I took made me feel like a memory was within reach. A hazy memory of something pleasant. Maybe even something cheerful.
With a shrug and a sigh, Valeriy looked up at me. "Did you get some sleep?"
I nodded. Managed a couple of hours.
Her eyes drifted away from mine. Likely to the laptop behind me. "This isn't…. Where are we?"
"Thunder Bay…" I replied anxiously. "She said that it'd be alright if I drove…. This was circled on the map with a lot number and there was nothing else marked on the map… so I stopped here…."
"It's all good. There's a drop I have to pick up here and then we can head west…. It won't be there for another hour or so?"
"You can't leave without being spotted."
"It'll be fine."
Her offhanded wave unsettled me far more than it should have.
Valeriy settled in the chair I had spent the last hour sitting and staring at the screen. Manipulating the cameras much like I had. Fidgeting cracks shone through her carefree façade. A bouncing knee. A soft sigh.
"At most, people would just approach and ask about the motorhome or something? Nothing to fret about. Our disguises are basically flawless…. So, about those cinnamon buns."
A grin practically splitting her face in half.
We both gathered around the still hot tray of swirly buns. Slathering more and more gooey icing on the crispy surface. Valeriy plucked two for herself, leaving me with three.
The first bite of piping hot flakey bun took me back to laughter and nervous giggles. Some children. Some women. Some men.
The next bite of sugary sweet spiciness brought out a faint smell of a bakery in the morning. Similar to one I walked by a few weeks ago.
I could almost see more features to the face with big blue eyes that belonged to the plaid dress from when I was eating cookies. A couple of ribbons in her hair. Brown hair. The same colour as mine. In long tight ringlets.
The little blond boy from the dream three nights ago came to mind. This time nervously talking with a little redhead with a smudge of flour on her cheek. Which he wiped away for her.
And then I was out of bites.
Nothing left on my plate. Not even a crumb.
A messily torn half of a cinnamon bun dropped onto my plate. Jolting me from my thoughts.
"I can dig up Marshmallow's recipe some time and we can give it a shot?" she offered with a bright grin. "I hear it's pretty life changing stuff… if done right…."
I wanted more already. But that was the only tube in the fridge.
"I hid the weaponry," I stated, trying to ignore the emptiness. Slipping a piece of paper out of my pocket and over to her. Everything neatly marked out on the rough sketch.
"Whoa…. Location, space, height. All accounted for. Looks like you've covered everything…?"
I nodded. A light feeling spreading from the center of my chest.
"I got some time to memorize this before the drop," she noted, gathering the plates and the paper.
"You shouldn't be moving around too much. Give yourself a chance to heal."
"I'll just commit this piece of paper to memory instead of digging about."
As Valeriy dropped the plates in the sink with a clatter and plopped onto the couch, I went back to the screen of camera footage.
People were still moving about. A lot of people. All of whom I've been watching since I parked here. 27 children running about. Screaming and laughing. A mother likely, yelling at the kids. I could hear them all. Even through the racket Valeriy was making with the cushions. Some flew. Some crashed. Most of them ended up on the floor.
After another quick scan of the surroundings, I flipped open one of the hand bound books to a blank page. Pen in hand. Tablet in the other to get more research to add to my notes.
Top Ten Things to Do to Improve Memory.
When my curiosity got the better of me, I finally glanced behind me towards the couch and found the young woman lying on her back. Her legs straight up against the wall and her head hanging over the edge. She fought with the cushions to provide head support. If only they didn't keep slipping from the tower she built.
She tried a couple of other positions, but always went back to this one with a huff. It did keep most of her injuries elevated.
I unplugged the laptop, rested the notebook on the keyboard, and tucked the tablet atop the keyboard, making my way over to her.
Valeriy stared up at me from the awkward position. "Hi?" she waved.
Stomp on chin. Break neck. Target incapacitated.
Turning around, I settled on the wooden floorboards. The laptop sitting next to me and my shoulder tucking under her head.
"…Bucky…?"
"Does this work?"
"Huh?"
"Does this height work?"
"Oh." She shifted a little. "Sit on a cushion."
With the adjustment made, she gave a little laugh.
"Just perfect. Thanks, Bucky."
I merely nodded, going back to the tablet and reading about memory improvement exercises.
Four Ways to Improve Memory – wikiHow.
How to Improve Your Memory – WebMD.
I jumped when Valeriy reached across and tucked my hair behind my ear.
"Sorry," she apologized, sitting up. Curiosity. Confusion. Exasperation. All passing over her features. "…Bucky… I don't know how you feel about contact…. I can only guess so much. If you don't like something, do let me kn – Hey, what's wrong? You're breathing too fast. You're going to get lightheaded."
I could barely hear her through the loud heartbeat in my own head. The panic welling up in my chest. I wanted to reach out. But….
Her eyes looked away from mine, darting to somewhere next to me. The laptop. The camera footage.
Her hand. The injured one. Curled around the edge of the couch. Supporting some of her weight. Just there. Right in front of me.
She tore the hand away when the cool metal touched my forehead. A frown tugged on her lips. Right hand cradled against her chest behind the left. Confusion so clear.
I tried. I tried to force the words out. My voice didn't work. My throat felt blocked. Closed up. Too scared to speak. Scared to lose it. My lungs stopped working altogether.
I could only hope she understood.
And maybe she did. Maybe she could hear me screaming in my own head.
Her hand moved towards me. So slowly. The left one. The one not wrapped up in metal.
It dropped down, turning the palm skywards.
I dare not twitch a muscle.
Waiting for the palm to fly towards my cheek. But it didn't. It stayed there. Unmoving.
Relief flooded me from the warmth against my cheek. My face nudging against the still fingers.
"Oh Bucky. I sure as hell am not going to take away things you like," Valeriy assured. Finally moving from when she held her hand out. Half her body wrapping around my head.
Her cheek rested on the top of my head. One arm wrapped behind me. One hand buried in my hair. Everything contrasted by the metal cast around her ribs hidden by her shirt.
"You've looked so conflicted every time, I couldn't tell if you hated being touched or if you thought I was going to hurt you…."
My muscles uncoiled. My body sinking against her. Unable to hold itself up.
She gave a soft laugh. Arms squeezing just a little tighter.
"I'm not going to hit you, Bucky…. Unless you're on fire… or pushing you out of the way of something…. I'd probably just bounce off you?"
Valeriy leaned away, pulling me to rest against the couch. Her left hand still combing through my hair. A soft smile on her face.
My eyes fell shut. Head rolling towards her. Hiding half my face into the seat cushions.
Enjoying the moment while it lasted.
But she didn't stop.
Fingers dancing through my hair differently every time.
"Bickiieee!"
"B-uh-cky."
"Bickiie!"
"Irene. Say it with me. B-uh-cky."
"Bickie!"
"Becky, Irene. He's Bucky. I'm B-eh-cky."
"Bickiiiieee!" A flash the little baby girl in pink, arms flailing with a wooden rattle in hand.
"Come on, you two. James is sick. Let him rest."
"Yes, Mom."
I couldn't see what was happening. I could hear footsteps. I could smell the cold. I could even feel the wet pillow under my head and the dripping towel on my forehead. But I couldn't see anything.
No matter how I tried.
I couldn't make out her face.
The bed sunk. A hand supported my head. The pillow under my head changed to a dry one. A towel wiped over my face, soaking up all the water. "The girls made a mess."
"They were only trying to – ahchoo! Help."
"My adorable children."
A pair of lips pressed against my forehead. A hand ran through my hair, combing through the wet strands.
I tried to cling onto the memory. To find a face. The face of my mom. But there was nothing more. Just her hand on my head. Until nothing came of it.
I pried my eyes opened, turning my head to look at Valeriy only to have her hand accidentally land in the middle of my face.
"I'm sorry," she laughed, stroking my cheek with a thumb. "When should you be sleeping, Bucky? Eve has you on a staggered cycle, right?"
I gave a little nod. Peeling myself off the couch. Straightening up to check the time. "Nineteen minutes."
Staring blankly at the tablet screen, I wondered at the emotions tumbling around inside me. The lightness of recalling a memory. The confusion of not being able to see my mother's face in any of my hazy memories. The heaviness of the hand having left.
Valeriy's head landed on my shoulder with a hum from her. "I'll probably head off in a bit then. Get back before you wake…. On another note, I'm pretty sure I'll have anxiety problems driving this big thing with other cars on the road…. Sorry."
"I can drive."
The whole way if I had to. Steadily make it to the destination in two hour increments.
"I'll take a nap after dinner or something and take over driving from midnight to five – Oh! Oh! Eve, is there a Tim Hortons around? Ev – oh… right…."
"I'll pick up the drop," I offered quickly.
I've been trained to go unseen. I could grab it and return safely. I didn't grow up with a ghost following my every move. Watching over me.
And Hydra wasn't looking for me here as much as the ones after Val –
A shiver raced up my spine when her fingers played with my ear. My head tilted back, landing on her shoulder. She laughed lightly.
"You should be sleeping, Bucky. No point wasting your time."
"But she's not… with you."
"…It's not the first time. I should be fine," she assured, but I could hear the stress in her voice. "I'll be disguised and armed. If I suspect anything, I'll call, 'kay? Nothing to fret about."
"And if you're scared," I added, moving to face her properly. "If you get scared… call."
Her hand retreated to rest on her stomach. Head still hanging over the edge of the couch. "Okay. I can do that."
"…You shouldn't be walking," I stated, staring at the black metal wrapped around her left leg.
"Meh. The cast is stable," she shrugged off with a wrinkle to her nose. Shuffling along in an arc on the seat until her head no longer hung off the side.
"…Doesn't it hurt…?"
"Yeah. But that's fine…. I think… we might see pain a little differently?"
"Order only comes through pain…" I repeated the words that haunt me. In different voices. In different languages.
Her brows furrowed a tad. "I feel like fear propaganda of a near immediate threat works a lot better…?" With a sigh, she reached out, running her finger through my hair again. "I see pain as my body communicating with me. Like 'Val, you sure fucked up.' Or 'Val, you're currently fucking up.' Or 'Val, something's fucked up. Might want to look into what….' That's about it, I guess?"
"And when the kidnappers were torturing you?"
"Probably falls under 'Val, you darn fucked up' or something…? Was my fault that I got nabbed."
There's something wrong with those words that just sprouted out of her mouth. Something seriously wrong.
"…Were they even arrested?"
"Doubt it? That would involve a record of the kidnapping. If my parents says the whole thing didn't happen, then it never happened…. So I got no clue what happened to them. I never looked into it. I don't think I'd even find anything if I tried now. Eve's one of the best when it comes to making things disappear…."
"…You actually go along with this… this insanity?"
She shrugged, her hand still stroking my hair. Her leg pulling up so her head could rest on her knee. "I can't change what happened, Bucky."
"You could have told someone. The police. Your grandfather. Anyone."
"Everything's been made to look like I'm making it all up if I ever spoke about it…. Even my own body…. Every piece stitched back into place as if it never happened…. For all you know, it could be all in my head…. That I'm lying. You won't find anything if you look into it."
For a moment, I found myself reaching up, taking her hand in mine. Silently trying to let her know that I didn't doubt her words. That I wouldn't accuse her of lying again. I knew how she looked. How she sounded when she was lying. She lied to the border officer. She lied to the Librarian.
She's hidden things with me. But has yet to flat out lie to my face.
Valeriy's fingers weaved between mine. Her thumb caressing a line along the bottom of my palm. Her eyes seemingly staring off into space.
"It's not like I didn't retaliate for all the bullshit, Bucky. When they shipped me off to a new school in England…. I quit since they had no idea I was behind the Security Department. Dropped all the clients. Dropped my parents. Dropped everyone… except for Gramps and my brother… and the places we keep the dangerous shit…. Didn't take long for people to realize and start taking advantage of the holes Eve couldn't find. I heard it was mayhem. We lost our precious shiny reputation. People were hurt. Not sure if people died, but Mother was taken for a quick five minutes?
"My brother was the one to convince me to return under the name Cass D'amour. Get paid for the work I did for them so I could gather resources for the next time my ass is kicked to the curb. Got back in time too. Father almost got his head blown off by a sniper…. Not sure if I could live with myself if my father died and I might have been able to do something…."
Slowly, her fingers eased their way out from between mine. Part of me wanted to hold on. Her palm came up and cupped my cheek. My head falling against her side.
"Thank you, Bucky," she stated softly. "Talking helps. More than I thought it would…. I'm here if you ever want to give it a try."
I huffed, shaking my head.
I couldn't risk it. Didn't want to risk her realizing I was a monster. She has yet look at me with horror and fear. And I didn't want to see that in those pale eyes.
Valeriy wrapped her arms around my head again. "When it gets suffocating, come to me. I won't make you talk, but we can figure something out, 'kay?"
I gave a little nod, flinching at the pat she tapped on my shoulder.
"Sorry…. I should start heading out."
I almost grabbed onto her arms when she pulled away. Just watching her walk into the bedroom and hearing the door shut. I sunk against the couch. The panic welling up inside me.
Throwing the cushions back into place, I tried to distract my thoughts. I grabbed a different notebook and the pen. Recording the blind memory of my mom and little sisters. The pen flying across two pages. A sketch of a baby and a rattle forming on a third.
Valeriy stepped out from the bedroom, patting the white sheet of the cuttlefish octopus skin based mask. "I'll be back before you wake. If anything, I'll call." With that, she practically skipped out the door. The black of the casts fading back into intricate tattoos.
Taking a deep breath in, I turned to the sink. Needed another distraction and got down to washing the dishes. When everything was dried and placed back where I found them, I took a shower. Taking advantage of being the only one here and the mirror that let me see the whole motorhome at a glance.
Then nothing.
My nerves too worked up to find sleep.
She's alone out there. The A.I. ghost wasn't watching over her. She's injured. Untrained. If something happened, there wouldn't be time to call.
The phone ended up in my hand. Unlocked. My thumb hovering over the screen.
"Buddy, what up? It's only been what? Five minutes?" Valeriy's voice chirped on the other end of the phone.
'Eleven minutes and thirteen seconds.'
"…Everything…. Is everything okay…?" I asked.
"Yup. All's good."
"…You're not scared?"
"I'm not scared. Here, listen."
A rustle later, a thumping could be heard on the call.
"Heartbeat's pretty steady, yeah?" she asked after a moment. "…How are you holding up?"
"…." I pulled the phone away from my ear.
"I'll search around for different cinnamon buns, 'kay? See what you like. They'll be there when you wake."
Even with the phone in my lap, I could clearly hear every word.
"Buddy?"
With a deep breath, I replied, "Looking forward to it."
.
.**.
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AN:
Now begins the cross Canada road trip!