2 May 1631

It's been a few days, and the two of them have settled fairly well into my home. Meulin sleeps in Dolora's old room and Nepeta in Simonn's. I've been sewing clothes in their sizes as quickly as I can, but I've also been teaching them to sew, because they don't know. I imagine someone's always made their clothes for them.

Nepeta's a quick learner. She's already made a rough shift. They'll both need shifts, skirts, and a bodice, and probably a collar of some sort. But I can't make a bodice. We'll have to go into town.

I'm going to have to go into town for a lot of things. I'm sure the two of them are used to better food, but neither say anything. Nonetheless, I need ingredients for bread-yeast, mostly-and some things for medicines-and bodices for my…well, I can't call them my daughters, but I do take care of them. They're…they're important to me. They're something to live for. They're two little children who I need to raise.

Maybe they could be my daughters. Just maybe.

4 May 1631

Nepeta talked to me today for the first time. She hasn't before, even though Meulin would tell me what she wanted. Today at lunch she asked me for a book to read.

"Of course, little one. What do you want to read?"

"Don't call me that."

"Alright. What should I call you?"

She frowned. "Happy books."

"Sure, come with me. What do you want me to call you?"

"My name."

"Nepeta?"

She nodded and frowned, but she didn't seem upset.

"You can call me whatever you like. My name's Dianna if you like that." I never thought I would tell a child to call me by my first name, but there I was.

Part of me wonders if someday they'll call me Mama.

That's insane.

7 May 1631

They were both born in August, but on different days, and different from me. I wonder if that ought to mean something

9 May 1631

Meulin has nightmares too much like my own. She'll come to my room late at night when I'm reading or looking through old letters and photos and look up at me with those huge eyes of hers like I can solve all her problems-like I have all the answers. It's like the way my little Luke used to look at me, and I don't know how I can possibly handle it. I don't have all the answers. I'm not sure I have any.

I suppose that's what being a parent is: having all the answers.

11 May 1631

Nepeta's been warming up to me since I met her, although she still won't look me in the eye (although I suppose she might not like eye contact, like she doesn't like touching or celery or rough sheets), and she told me, quietly, that I was much nicer than her old mother.

"Old mother?"

"Yes."

"Why is she your old mother?" I've learned I need to ask her very specific questions.

"She's not my mother anymore," she said.

"She isn't?"

"No," she said.

"You're taking care of us," Meulin said from the couch. "Our old mother isn't our mother anymore."

"I-I've only known you girls a month," I said. "Once you're completely healed, you can leave if you wish."

"I don't want to leave," Meulin said. "And neither does Kitty."

"I don't want to leave," Nepeta said, with more force. "I don't want to leave."

"You don't have to," I said. "I'll take care of you girls as long as I need."

Meulin nodded and said, "I liked the stew last night. Can we have that again?"

"I don't like celery," Nepeta said.

"I'll make it without celery," I said.

"I like celery!" Meulin said.

"But your sister doesn't. So we'll have stew without celery."

Meulin frowned and crossed her arms, but didn't protest anymore. I suppose she understands about her sister. There are things I can't do or see because they remind me too much of my family or of the prison; there are things Nepeta can't eat or touch because it hurts. I'd have to be awfully cruel to subject her to them anyway!

I suppose that's a good a place as any to start when it comes to raising them-being kind to them. Children need to be loved, so I suppose that's as good a place as any if I'm to raise them.

13 May 1631

Meulin loves to work in the garden. If I tell her I'm going to water the planets or check on the chives, she always wants to come with me. Nepeta, believe it or not, has really taken to needlepoint! I gave her a project of mine that I gave up on ages ago, told her how to do it, and she sat on Dolora's chair and just did that for hours. I have no idea how she does it. Doing needlepoint for too long just makes me fidgety. Meulin's just a ball of energy most of the time, like me as a child, always jumping to the next thing-perhaps that's why she likes gardening.

I ought to take them to the creek. Not the river yet, because I'll have to teach them to swim, but the creek. I know Meulin would love it.

14 May 1631

The two of them are sewing quite nicely, although I've made most of their clothes because they are children and should not be responsible for such things yet.

Meulin wants to go into the village, but I'm not sure it's safe for her. Nepeta still doesn't talk much, but she told me she doesn't want to leave. She told me she likes needlepoint as long as she has a thimble and that she loves Meulin and that she likes doing the same things every day because then she knows what's going to happen so she can plan for it.

It's hard, sometimes, caring for both of them at once. Meulin's bubbly and full of energy, always wanting to try something new, eat something new, go somewhere new. Nepeta's quieter and stiller, wanting to do the same things every day. I don't really mind either way, but trying to do both at once is difficult at best.

Well, Meulin's old enough to do things on her own, so I can let her play or read on her own, but I don't want to leave either alone for too long. They're children.

16 May 1631

I had to sew a few patches today in my room, where I keep my scraps, and when I finished the girls were nowhere to be found-not in the library, or the kitchen, or their rooms, or even the garden. I was starting to panic in the garden-not a great place to have one of those breathing-fast, heart-pounding episodes-when I heard something from out front. I ran to the front and my two girls were sitting in the lawn, and Meulin was showing Natalie how to make a little crown out of daisies. Sitting there in the grass with the afternoon sun shining down on them, weaving together flowers, they looked like fairies (the good kind).

"Hey there," I said, sitting next to them. "What are you doing?"

"I'm showing Nepeta how to make flower crowns," Meulin said.

"Look, Mama," Nepeta said quietly, holding up a finished circle of daisies. She stood up and put it on my head with all the care in the world.

"Thank you, Nepeta."

"You're welcome," she said, and she set about making another one for herself.

They're so sweet. I set the daisies to dry so I can keep them for a long time, and perhaps it's absurd and sentimental but I think I might love them.

18 May 1631

The longer I take care of them, the more I see their real personalities. Nepeta talks more, and more importantly says more about what she wants, and Meulin cares so very deeply about the people she's close to. I imagine they developed traits in response to their parents, the way I know I did. Meulin would always be happy and cheerful so no one needed to cheer her up; Nepeta shut down so no one else could do it for her.

I hope I can help them. I don't want them to feel like I did for all those years.

20 May 1631

Nepeta finished a needlepoint today. It's quite lovely. And Meulin helped me weed the garden. I haven't really maintained Dolora's garden in a long time, so it's nice to have her help cleaning it up and bringing it back to its former glory.

It's a sort of routine. I wake them up, make breakfast, Nepeta settles in to work on needlepoint and I work with Meulin in the garden, lunch, Nepeta and Meulin read together, dinner, I read with them, bedtime. (Well, I stay up much later, but that's just me.)

It's alright.

23 May 1631

Meulin wants to go to the village, and it makes me nervous. She almost died in the village. But she says she wants to go to the market and see it all.

She's only eleven. But when I was eleven I went to the market alone.

What's right?

25 May 1631

Today I told Meulin she could go to the village, but she had to be back before the sun started to set, and if she wasn't I'd come into the village to find her because I'd assume she was hurt. I don't know if that was the right choice, but I don't want to be overprotective of her. I think it'll be good for her to have friends her own age, anyways. She's quite the extrovert.

She came back well before sunset, when the clock chimed four, and she immediately wanted to tell me everything. She met another girl named Latula and when I asked for a last name she told me Pyrope. Does Neolla have children? No, her children would have their father's last name…I do remember she had a brother, though. Who knows?

Well, she had a good time playing with the other girl, and then told me she also saw a lady named Mrs. Jacobson giving away kittens. Of course she wants one. I've never had a cat before, but I always thought it'd be nice.

Meulin wants to go into town again tomorrow. I told her to find out about the cat, what to feed it and how to care for it, and if it sounded reasonable maybe we could have a kitten.

28 May 1631

Well, we have a kitten now. It can hunt for itself, or I can give it some entrails from my own hunting trips. The first thing it did when Meulin brought it home was scamper off into the library, and I was worried because Nepeta was doing needlepoint and I was sewing, so there were needles lying around. But when I got there, the kitten was just playing in my button box.

"I know what to name her, Mama!" Meulin said. They both call me Mama now. It's disorienting.

"What, little love?"

"Button!"

"Button it is," I said, picking the kitten up out of my button box. "Nepeta, do you want to pet the kitten?"

Nepeta nodded and put down her needlepoint. She took the kitten on her lap and petted its head gently until Button was purring.

"Good kitten," she said, gently.

"Do you like Button, Kitty?" Meulin asked.

"Yes," Nepeta said calmly, as serene as I've ever heard her. She's taken a real liking to the cat. Well, so has Meulin! And Button is fine with being petted, as long as it's on her head.

It's good having Button, I think. It's good for us.

30 May 1631

Button sleeps in my girls' rooms (Meulin said Mrs. Jacobson said the cat's a girl, so the cat's a she for now). She's getting the hang of bedtime, too, which I try to be good about. I don't know if that matters, but when we were children Dolora enforced it, and she's the best mother I've ever known.

I'm always up much later than them, of course. I have trouble sleeping these days, and when I do sleep I have nightmares, and when I wake up from them I want to be gone. But I can't…I can't think that. I can't help it, but if I were to die now they'd have no one, and I can't let another child feel that way.

3 June 1631

Nepeta's needlepoint is really lovely. She did a pattern of flowers from my little book, and she gave it to Meulin. Meulin was very happy about it, and she put it on her desk-Dolora's old desk. She's a sweetheart. They both are!

I let Meulin go into the village once a week these days, to spend time with her friend. I'm worried about letting her go more often, because it could be dangerous for her. Having friends is important, but I don't want her to get hurt for it.

6 June 1631

Nepeta doesn't seem to want to go into the village. I ask her every time Meulin leaves, and she never wants to. I don't know why. But she doesn't like loud noises or too many things happening at once, so perhaps it's just too stressful for her. She likes to sit at home, by the fire, and rest. Sometimes she'll talk quietly to me, not about much, just little things about her project for the day. She doesn't talk much, and she has a quiet voice, but she's starting to…change, a little. As time goes by, I see more of these moments when I'll mention something and she'll light up, full of feeling and excitement for a little while before she collapses back in on herself.

I think this bright, excited person is an important part of who she is. I hope I can encourage it.

8 June 1631

My two girls love to play together. They like to make flower crowns and read together, and Nepeta likes to braid Meulin's hair (never the other way around). I'm glad they're happy. I think it's good for them that they have each other. I think sisters ought to be close.

11 June 1631

I wonder what my family would say if they were here. Sigmun would love them, I'm sure-he'd dote on two little daughters, both brilliant and wonderful. He'd adore them both. Simonn would be the kindest uncle to them anyone's ever been, ready to teach them everything he knows. And Dolora would be such a grandmother! She'd give them cookies and play with them and love them as much as I do.

I wish they were here. I don't know how to raise a child. I'm so afraid of doing something wrong.

13 June 1631

Button will walk with Nepeta to bed, then to Meulin's room, and then to mine. And then she'll wrap herself around my feet and meow until I get into my bed. These days I've been sleeping in all my clothes, shoes and bodice still on since I can hardly stand to look at my body these days, but…last night, I changed into my nightdress and got into bed and fell asleep.

I don't know.

16 June 1631

The garden is looking much better. Meulin helps me almost every day, weeding and watering and all that. I don't know if it'll ever be as good as when Dolora maintained it, but I do my best.

18 June 1631

I took them to the creek today. Meulin loved it, like I knew she would, and Nepeta just sat on the edge with a book and read.

It was nice. I mostly played in the creek with Meulin, splashing her gently. I told them I'll teach them to swim in the river and show them how to jump in the water with the rope swing-if I can set it up again!

21 June 1631

Meulin met a little boy in town today, named Mituna. Apparently his last name is Captor, his father must be one of Simonn's brothers. Probably Robert, if Meulin's description of the child is anything to go by.

I forget, sometimes, that no one really leaves this town. Even now I'm back here with my children. I'm sure she'll run into more children I might know, people I knew as a child and young adult, people who knew me before all of this. It's…odd.

23 June 1631

It just keeps getting hotter. Working in the garden is worse every day. I won't let Meulin out with me if it gets much hotter, because I don't want her getting heat sickness.

25 June 1631

Button is a cute little kitten. I love just sitting at my desk, reading or writing, and petting her gently. She does like to sit in my lap, or anyone's really, and she loves being petted.

I think I rather like having a cat.

27 June 1631

Nepeta finished another little needlepoint today and gave it to me. I put in on my desk, next to the book where I wrote down my love's speeches. I want to keep all these things they give me, because they will grow up as children do and I'm afraid I'm going to miss them. I want to remember them as children when they're grown up and I'm sixty years old and ready to die.

30 June 1631

Today…I realized something. Meulin was talking about how her mother hurt her, and when she talks to me like that the words pour out like she's afraid to stop. Nepeta doesn't talk about it much, but Meulin does. I imagine they just communicate differently.

Anyways, Meulin was talking about her mother and I was so furious with my blood sister for hurting this little girl and then I just…it hit me, that I was furious with her mother for doing all these things wrong and these are things my mother did that hurt me, and I…my mother was wrong.

How has it taken me my entire life to see that my mother was wrong?