2 September 1631
I found out just today that Nepeta doesn't know how to write. She's only eight, but I think it's high time she learned. Meulin does, at least a little, and so I think I ought to teach them both so they can have that in this world.
I miss Dolora so much right now. She was the one who gave me this gift of writing and she was…she was amazing. I love her so much. I know I'm much too old to need parents, but I miss her.
5 September 1631
Nepeta is having some trouble with writing, and I can tell it will be slow going. But that's alright; everyone starts somewhere. She can remember most letters day-to-day, so that's good. I don't really mind; heaven knows I have time on my hands to teach her. I don't do much these days besides hunt and tend the garden and spend time with my daughters. Usually that's quite enough to exhaust me by the day's end.
I have to start harvesting the garden and hunting more soon, to prepare for winter and all. I won't let my girls go hungry their first winter with me, now when their blood mother let them starve. I have to be better than that. I have to be there for them.
I have to.
7 September 1631
Meulin's still having nightmares. She's twelve and she doesn't sleep the night half the time. Isn't that for us old folks? But then, I'm sure I had nightmares by twelve, if not sooner. I've had nightmares most of my life, I think. I hope she doesn't have them for the rest of hers.
9 September 1631
Nepeta woke me up for once, and I could tell something was wrong because she was crying quietly. I was worried, so I got up to tend to whatever it was.
It turns out she's sick. She had a fever and a sore throat, and she was feeling achy and tired. So I mixed her up something for a fever and to help her sleep and spent most of the day tending to her, trying to make her comfortable.
Meulin wasn't happy, but I think she understands that right now, Nepeta needs my attention.
12 September 1631
Nepeta's not much better. I hope it's not winter fever-I don't think I could stand it if it was. I've been able to leave her for longer, because she knows how to take her medicines and Meulin does need me-at least enough to know I love her and I'm proud of her.
I'm sure it's just time. The fever will break soon and she'll be back on her feet again in a couple days.
14 September 1631
She had pox marks today. The second I saw them I demanded to know if Meulin had ever had pox. She said yes, smallpox and chicken pox, but Nepeta's never had smallpox.
I haven't dealt with variola in a long time. I don't know what to do. I'll have to go back to Dolora's books for cures. I know she had some.
I don't know what I'll do if she doesn't make it.
16 September 1631
She was worse today. Her fever's bad and she's hardly talking, even to Meulin. I'm trying to keep her comfortable, and I spend every free moment scouring Dolora's books for her smallpox recipes, but I haven't much. Just medicines for fever, rash, or ache on their own. I give her tea to help her sleep, because sleep heals, but she's been having nightmares, too. We're just a nightmare family, I suppose.
Button has been curling up with Nepeta a lot, I suppose sensing her distress. Nepeta smiles a little when that happens, so that's good, at least.
19 September 1631
She's feeling a little better, but the pox marks are emerging, and they're bad. Meulin swore she'd had all kinds of pox, so she's safe, but I still don't like her near Nepeta. I know I had smallpox-I have the scars to prove it-and I'm the one taking care of her. I know you can only get variola once.
The pox marks itch like hell, so right now I'm mostly managing the discomfort as the fever fades (thank heaven) and the vomiting and aches go away bit by bit. I found an itch cream Dolora used to mix, and a note I wish I'd found earlier: "Variola must be treated by symptoms-see headache, fever, vomiting, itch, and general pain."
I just hope she'll be okay.
21 September 1631
I tell Nepeta every day that the itch will go away, but it's so bad it makes her cry. And they're starting to burst, which is terrible-it's disgusting (for her and me) and I'm doing laundry almost constantly to keep her comfortable.
She's also developed a cough, something I don't remember being part of this phase of smallpox. I hope it's nothing worse. I'm already crying myself to sleep with fear. I'm so afraid she'll die.
23 September 1631
The cough is worse. She's not getting better and I don't know what to do. I couldn't stand it if she died. I don't know what I'd do.
I've been mixing medicines as fast as I can find them, but I don't know what's wrong with her. I don't know where Dolora's book is for figuring out what's wrong with people. I don't know anything.
Even locked up in prison, half-dead and terrified, I didn't feel this helpless.
26 September 1631
She has a fever again. I feel terrible about not spending so much time with Meulin, but I need to help Nepeta. She's so small and weak in her sickness and she needs me. I can't let her down.
I need to help her. I have to.
28 September 1631
Her fever's down a little. I was so relieved I almost cried, but I didn't, thank goodness. I don't want them to see me cry. They're my daughters; I have to be there for them. I have to love them and care for them, and I have to be their mother. I can't rely on them, much as I co need them so I get out of bed most days.
I have to be to them who Dolora was to me. They deserve that, at least.
30 September 1631
I think her cough is a little better. Her chest sounded better today, less sore and congested. In her sickness she's been clinging to me more, not physically but very much with her voice. She'll call for me more, ask for more, want me to just be there more. I can't blame her. She's only eight-she needs someone to be kind to her when she's ill. Well, all the time, really, but especially in illness. She needs to be loved.
I can do that. I love them more easily than I breathe.
2 October 1631
She was much better today. I could've cried from relief-again. Button is also happy, which I know because of her purr. She has a happy purr when someone pets her just right or, apparently, when a healthy Nepeta cuddles with her,
4 October 1631
Things are okay. Nepeta is much better and Meulin is as relieved as I am, glad to see her sister getting better. And Button is happy, too, cuddling with Nepeta at every opportunity. What a sweet kitten! I'm glad Meulin talked me into having a cat. I love her, too.
It's good to have a pet, I think. It's something else to live for. I'm not sure I really…I really feel that, so intensely, like I did not so long ago. I can't, not now, so I have to stay alive. I have to raise these girls loved and cared for.
I ought to make my tea. It really does help, keeping the heavy emptiness just a bit lighter and fuller. It's good to be able to feel, I think.
6 October 1631
Nepeta got up and walked a little today, without starting up another coughing fit. She's much better, thank heaven. She's going to be alright.
Now that my daughters are both healthy or on the right track, I best get to preparing for winter. I'll need to harvest and prepare the garden, preserve meat, sew them winter clothes…all that.
I can do that. I have since I was seven.
9 October 1631
Meulin wants to help me with my winter preparations. It's sweet of her, really, and she is quite the help. Nepeta mostly prefers sorting, dried leaves from stems and such. As it's my least favorite task, I'm all too happy to let her sit quietly for hours and sort.
When she's older, I'll teach Meulin to hunt. Not now-she's too young. When she's thirteen or fourteen, I'll show her the bow and arrow, and maybe when she's sixteen, I'll teach her to hunt for real. And Nepeta too, though not for a while yet.
I'll teach them everything I know. I think, once I'm gone, they'll need it.
12 October 1631
Nepeta's okay. She's going to be alright. The cough is fading, the pox marks are just scars, and she's going to be fine. My daughters are going to be okay.
I love them so dearly. I didn't think I was capable of feeling this way, of loving someone like this again, but it looks like I'm not as far gone as I feared.
I feel like ruins, some days. I'm the ruins of the lively, passionate woman who used to inhabit this body. She wouldn't have to work so hard to feel this love, to show it to her children. But there is value in ruins, I imagine-something old and wise Dolora had I hope I can have for my daughters.
I am ruins, but the ruins are still what they once were. I can't say that the woman I was then and the one I am now are essentially not the same-just in different places.
Isn't that something Simonn was on about-conservation of mass? Or energy? Maybe I'm conserved energy. Everything I once was, just in a different form.
14 October 1631
Meulin helped in the garden today, as usual. It's sweet of her, it really is. And she is a big help. I'm hoping to have it all harvested and preserved soon.
I hope I can do this. The food I have seems to be closer to the amount we had for the four of us than the little I've been preserving for myself, and I have been hunting lately.
I just hope it's enough.
16 October 1631
It's looking good for having enough food. I've preserved most of what I grow in the garden, and I've been smoking and salting some of the meat I hunt. Since I don't eat much, it should be alright.
I'll starve if I have to. I'll do anything so they can eat. I know I haven't known them long, and they're not my blood children, but I love them and they're children-they deserve comfort and safety.
19 October 1631
Meulin's disappointed that it's too cold for the creek, but I told her once it's frozen I'll teach them to skate. I'm not sure I have proper skates anymore (I think we sold them around when Luke was born) but we used to glide around on the surface of the river and that was terrific fun.
I'm sure my daughters will love it. I did when I was their age, anyways.
21 October 1631
I can't show them skating until it's properly winter, but preserving food takes most of my time these days, anyways-I think because I haven't done it in a long time. Most winters these past years I've prepared a pittance of vegetables and herbs and hunted, sometimes.
Nepeta likes sorting, and Meulin learning what I'm doing, so it's alright. I just make sure they read and write every day.
24 October 1631
Nepeta was poking at her pox scars today in that familiar way I remember doing to myself. She's much too young for that, so I told her, gently as I could, "Nepeta, it's alright, plenty of people have pox marks."
"They're different."
"No, they're not. Everyone has them."
"They're different," she said again, emphasizing different in a way I didn't understand.
"Oh, Nepeta, I promise they're normal."
"No, they're different."
I realized all of a sudden what she meant. "I know they make your face look different, Nepeta. But you'll get used to it. Everyone's face looks different as they grow up. You'll recognize it in time."
She frowned, still, but seemed mollified. I hope that's enough. I hope she grows up to love her body and face, as well as her mind. Little girls deserve that much.
26 October 1631
It gets colder every day, and I'm somewhat astounded I can tell. I haven't felt cold or warm in age.
I'm so surprised I feel things these days I almost didn't notice I also feel surprised.
29 October 1631
The festival for All Souls' is in a couple days. I don't want to send my girls on their own, but Meulin will want to go and I'm not sure I feel safe being in the village these days. I also have no idea if Nepeta will want to go.
Well, best to ask them, I suppose. If they don't want to go, there's no problem.
30 October 1631
Meulin wants to go, and Nepeta does too-to spend time with Edward, she said. So I…I'm not sure. I could wear a heavy cloak, or one of those huge hats some of the older women wear. I could also tell them no, it's not happening. But it seems wrong to force them to miss our because of my fears.
Anyways, I'll have to face those fears at some point.
31 October 1631
It wasn't as bad as I dreaded. I wore a long cloak with a hood and mostly kept to myself, and most people didn't recognize me-especially not with two daughters when I only ever had a son here. I didn't dance or eat much, but it was nice to be around people who were having fun and enjoying the festival.
And my girls had a lot of fun. They really loved the festival, spending time with their friends and eating the food and dancing with the other children. They want to come back tomorrow for All Saints'.
I can do it. I faced the village once; I can do it again.