1 May 1632

It doesn't take long to be established as the midwife, apparently, if there hasn't been one in years. Already more women have come to me for medicine, mostly women with young children or who are pregnant.

It is…harder than I thought to care for women who are having children. I have my daughters now, but I still miss my little Luke. It still aches to think of him, and now I'm seeing women every day who have little children of their own, happy little ones with lives ahead of them.

I have my daughters, of course, but that doesn't seem to soften the blow.

3 May 1632

I never realized how much Dolora did. So many women come to see me, or send someone to me so I can see them in their homes. I haven't been so tired since I was traveling. Some nights Meulin makes dinner because I'm so tired I can hardly stand.

I can't do this. I can't be like this. I need to help people, I need to save them. I need to do more.

I'm not done.

6 May 1632

Everyone needs my help. Every single day people need me and I have to help all of them, and I'm so tired. I need to feed my children and I have no time to spend with them. I don't know how Dolora did this and still had time for us.

I can't do this. I've been working for not a month and I'm exhausted. I feel like a fire run out of fuel. I can't keep doing this.

8 May 1632

I thought I was good enough but I'm not, I'm not enough. My daughters can tell I'm getting worse but I can't stop it, I can't. I forget my tea most days and I can't. I'm useless. Dolora could do all this-she could treat everyone she needed to and she didn't feel like this.

I'm not good enough.

11 May 1632

My heart is breaking for my daughters, because today I woke up and I couldn't get out of bed. I just…couldn't. And Meulin came to my room with a cup of my tea and said, "Mama, are you sick?"

"Yes, little love."

"Can I make you a medicine?"

"I…no, little love. There's nothing for this."

"Mama, are you dying?" I could hear the panic welling up in her throat and it hurt.

"No, little love, not at all. Come here, come sit with me."

She crawled up on my bed and I hugged her, and she hugged me back. "Little love, my mind…my mind is sick. It's not catching, and it's not dangerous. But it makes it very hard for me to do things, sometimes. Today is one of those days."

"Are you gonna be okay?"

"I'm going to be okay, little love. I'm going to be just fine."

I could feel her crying, and I knew she was scared that I was going to die, when I was the only person she'd ever been able to rely on.

She needs me, and I'm not enough.

I'm not going to be just fine.

14 May 1632

I've told everyone I'm ill and cannot be called except for emergencies. It's true-I am sick. My mind is sick. Getting out of bed is a struggle and feeding my daughters is almost too much. I'm not good enough.

If my love were here, he'd tell me to pace myself, that this was too much, too fast, that I was capable of it if I went slower. He believed in me.

I don't know why, if my love believed in me, I have no faith in myself.

17 May 1632

I've decided to try praying, a little. Last night I tried praying for strength, and I don't feel any stronger but I did feel a little…peaceful, I guess. I don't know if that's because God was listening to me, if she is real, or if I thought that's how prayer should make you feel, but I did feel a little calmer.

I need to help people. I need to get back to it. I just can't.

21 May 1632

My Meulin brought me tea again today because I didn't leave my room until noon. I told her thank you, but she doesn't have to, and she said she just wanted me to feel better and not sick.

It's so kind of her. She shouldn't have to do this-I'm her mother! I should be taking care of her! I wish I still had someone to take care of me. I know that's pathetic, I'm an adult and I have to take care of myself, but I'm so tired. My love took care of me when I was ill or very pregnant. Dolora took care of me when I was a child. I don't know what to do now.

25 May 1632

I dragged myself out of bed today with the help of a cup of tea and helped a couple of women who were not immediately in danger. I'm lucky no one's given birth these past couple of weeks. I'm in no shape to handle something like that.

My daughters, Meulin especially, looked so relieved. I know they need me to be more than I am, but I can't do that. I'm only what I am, no more.

I hope it's enough.

28 May 1632

I felt even a little better today. I think I just have to do this slowly, really, ease myself into it. If I treat a few women every day, I think I might be able to manage. I'm sure I can manage somehow.

Meulin wants to help me. If she helps me out, maybe I can manage to do a bit more. She's old enough to start doing some work, as long as she studies, too. I won't have them stop studying until they're old enough to do it on their own.

But she can help. When she's my age, she'll be able to live on her own, without a man.

31 May 1632

I'm awful. I woke up this morning and I could hardly move, and all I could feel was exhausted and heartsick. I miss my family so much. I just want them back. I just want it to be the way it was before, when we were a happy family and my love was teaching our baby to walk and my real mother was the best midwife the town had ever known, when my dearest friend and his love were happy together and I had a future in front of me.

Why did I ever agree to this? Why did I ever agree to leave?

3 June 1632

I managed today. I've been putting more of the St. John's Wort into my tea, and I think it's helping. I hope so, anyways. I need to help people. I need to finish this.

I know this sounds pathetic, but I just want a hug. I want my love to hold me for a little while and tell me he loves me. I just want to feel better.

7 June 1632

I slept better last night, only a few nightmares. But today I did my job well enough. I helped Janet prepare to give birth, which is in a week or so if I counted right. I need to be better in a week or so, so I can help her. Giving birth alone is how women die, and I won't let that happen anymore. Not anymore.

10 Jun 1632

I felt alright today. I didn't feel like dying. I managed.

12 June 1632

My little girls brought over some of their friends today, to have a birthday. I made them a cake-much better than the one we made for Dolora's birthday all those years ago-and they all had a slice and played together in the forest. It's Simonn's relatives, Mituna and Sollux, and while they're four years apart like my girls they were born the same day.

They had fun, and I did my work.

16 June 1632

Janet gave birth today, and I managed. I helped her breathe deep and know when to push, and…there was a moment, when she was bleeding and I felt my heart pounding but I managed to stop the bleeding and she was alright, and so was her baby.

I'm not awful at this, I suppose. I've helped women have children safely, and I think it'll be okay.

19 June 1632

I taught Meulin and Nepeta today how to mix the pain medicine, the one Dolora always gave me when I had my bleeding. It's the most important medicine I ever learned, and the first. Heaven knows it got me out of bed when days the bleeding was the worst.

They'll need it soon.

22 June 1632

My Meulin has been getting to be quite the shot. She hits the middle circle most all of the time, and she's been practicing most days. Nepeta watches her, and she keeps begging me to teach her, too. I told her I'll teach her when she's twelve, like Meulin. I'm worried she'd hurt herself. She's only eight!

Seeing them makes me so happy. When I see them, I feel so light inside it's like I could float. On my worst days, just seeing my little girls smile does makes me feel slightly less terrible.

25 June 1632

I can't regret it. I want it to be like it was before but I said yes for a reason, I left home for a reason. I can't regret what I did.

29 June 1632

Today no one needed me, not really, and so my daughters and I sat together in front of the house and made crowns out of flowers. I felt so calm and safe, like nothing could ever hurt me. My Nepeta gave me one of hers, one made of daisies the color of my hair when I was a little child. And Meulin made one for her sister out of those purple flowers that grow around the path.

I felt alright.

I think I'm going to be alright.